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Thread: The Golden Dusk, and Silver Dawn

  1. #1
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    Default The Golden Dusk, and Silver Dawn

    - This is what would be my version of the remakes Gold and Silver, If I were ever to make a game. xD Sorry for the unoriginal title. If anyone's got a better one as we progress with the story feel free to share it. >>; I don't own Pokemon.


    The Golden Dusk, and Silver Dawn


    Chapter Index




    interlude: Succubus to Darkness




    3: Echoes of a Bleeding Heart - IN PROGRESS
    4: Ashes to Dust
    5: Kingdra's and Pawns
    6:
    7:
    8:
    9:
    10:
    11:
    12:
    13:
    14:
    15:
    16:
    17:
    18:
    19:
    20:









    Prologue









    “... ... What? Did you want me to say something? 'I'm sorry?' Or maybe, 'Yes, I regret my actions, let me get down on my knees and beg for my license back?' Look, I don't have time for this, just give me my punishment and let's be done with it.”

    Officer Jenny, of the Indigo Plateau police force, shook her head solemnly as she tore the final remnants of the former Pokemon trainer's license in half and let them flutter to the ground.

    “You know,” Jenny said sadly, “... There were other ways you could have done this without giving up your license.”

    The young girl would not make eye contact, and made a snorting noise as she sat in the interrogation room of the station, arms and legs crossed.

    “Just... just let me go now, please,” the girl said quietly, almost pleadingly. Officer Jenny nodded, and escorted the female to the exit doors. She could tell this was eating at her, but made no move to console her. This was her decision.

    When they reached the front doors, they stopped. The young girl stared in front of her, blankly, as though she could see through the doors, and into the outside forest. Jenny turned to her, somehow hoping the girl would suddenly change her mind and serve her time, instead of foolishly revoking her Pokemon trainer license. But instead the girl just stood there quietly, simply waiting for Jenny to open the doors.

    “Lance... is disappointed, you know,” Jenny remarked in a low tone. The young girl cast a cold bitter gaze at Jenny.

    “I bet he is,” she retorted.

    On Jenny's command, the doors to the exit swung open and the young girl took her first steps into the outside world as a normal teenager, setting out for a long journey back to New Bark town, alone. The setting sun filtered through the trees, laying orange all over the still form of the Indigo League, and casting a brilliant gold on the clouds around it. The moment was perfectly beautiful, except it was perhaps one of the the darkest moments of Officer Jenny's career.

    Jenny stepped outside herself, and watched one of the most promising trainers of her time walk away into the forest, shoulders still square and head held high, although she was definitely a mere shadow of what she once was. Once upon a time, every trainer begged for her mercy, and she could've made, or broke Team Rocket. She even held the entire police force by its throat at one point. But that was done now, and she had chosen her path. The girl was Pokemon-less, and defenseless.

    Jenny shook her head at the irony, then, carrying no more pity for the criminal, retreated back inside.

    There was nothing she could do for her anyway. The girl's time had come to an end.

    --------------
    Last edited by Azurne; 4th July 2008 at 3:30 AM.

  2. #2

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    Definitely a very interesting prologue. I honestly haven't a clue what's going on xD, but I think you wanted that myterious air there. Grammer was good as far as I could tell. However, description really wasn't there. I'm not sure if that was intentional as well, but it kinda bugged me. I wanted to know what the girl looked like All in all, it was a fairly decent prologue. I'll keep reading if/when you continue. It seems to have a lot of potential.
    Under construction ^_^;;

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    Wow.. I'm intrigued. I'll b sticking around for sure. I like the concept so far(can't really say much about it), and I really want a Gold/Silver remake.

    Here goes my first ever shot at grammar checking:

    Officer Jenny of the Indigo Plateau police force shook her head solemnly, as she tore the final remnants of the former Pokemon trainer's license in half, and let them flutter to the ground.
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but the commas should be around of the Indigo Plateau police force, not as she tore the final remnants pf the former Pokemon trainer's license in half. I believe the term is appositive.
    The young trainer girl would not make eye contact, and made something of a snorting noise as she sat, arms and legs both crossed, sitting in the interrogation room of the station.
    Now this I know is a misplaced modifier. The bolded area is modifying she, and at the current placement, it sounds as if the ams and legs were sitting. You should move the phrase to in front of the would not make eye contact. And then change the word sitting to sat.

    That's it for now.

    See ya next chappie!

    Araleon
    Current Black Team: Rivka (Stoutland), Elmo (Musharna), Scarlett (Whimsicott), Gabriel (Carracosta), Reese (Klang), Sean (Mienfoo); all are at level 47. Currently in Victory Road.

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    Doesn't sound like pokemon but what do I know?

    Anyways, it is very intriguing

    I think the title sound better as Golden Dawn Silver Dusk
    Pearl FC:3394-5149-4230
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    Looking for a Jolly/Adamant Jirachi
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ranger Registeel View Post
    Definitely a very interesting prologue. I honestly haven't a clue what's going on xD, but I think you wanted that myterious air there. Grammer was good as far as I could tell. However, description really wasn't there. I'm not sure if that was intentional as well, but it kinda bugged me. I wanted to know what the girl looked like All in all, it was a fairly decent prologue. I'll keep reading if/when you continue. It seems to have a lot of potential.
    Description can either be my weak or best point. When I try to make things mysterious, it tends to be my low point. >>; But what she was wearing didn't really matter, just as long as you got the sense that she would have been the player character of the, er 'game'. Next chapter she'll have a name and all kinds of bonanza.

    Thanks for the feedback.

    Araleon -

    Thanks for the grammar sweep, I'll fix it right away. Sometimes things get messed up like that as I'm typing and trying to compare it with what's in my head.

    Quote Originally Posted by Emoest Prince
    Doesn't sound like pokemon but what do I know?

    Anyways, it is very intriguing

    I think the title sound better as Golden Dawn Silver Dusk
    It doesn't sound like Pokemon because I'm starting it differently. Instead of the main character getting his/her first pokemon, I'm starting with the end of the journey, and a bit of mystery, with the character instead helping out another character's journey, in a redemptive process. 'Tis about all I can say.

    Golden Dawn and Silver Dusk? Hm, I'll think about it....

    Thanks for the feedback!

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    Hey, I actually really like your title...that's the main reason why I actually clicked on the thread. And a remake of GSC you say??? Definitely keeping tabs on this one...AND OMG, first random review in a looong loong time.

    Anyway...

    It's fairly interesting, makes me think of what kind of mysterious (and by the looks of it, atrocious) act this girl had committed.

    Perhaps collaboration with Team Rocket? You had Officer Jenny state something about it.

    The only real grammatical error I found was the overuse of ellipses (spelling?)

    “... ... What? Did you want me to say something? 'I'm sorry?' Or maybe, 'Yes, I regret my actions, let me get down on my knees and beg for my license back?' Look, I don't have time for this, just give me my punishment and let's be done with it.”
    Anyway, like I said previously, it's really interesting, I can't wait to read more. And hopefully, there'll be more content next time.

    Good luck ;D


    Divinity_123

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    Interesting prologue...despite it being VERY SHORT!! Guess I'll have to wait till Chapter one comes out. Looking forward to it.
    Pokemon Black team:

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    I might've forgot to add, this is rated PG-13, because of Keera's mouth. :x


    ------------------ I: In Medias Res ------------------


    The forest floor was incredibly cold, grimy, and wet.

    After two days of plundering through rain, the water had finally sunk through Keera's thin black jacket, making her journey to New Bark Town unbearably cold, and wet. Her teeth chattered together restlessly, and her mop of shoulder-length wet blond hair stuck to the back of her neck like straw. And Keera absolutely hated having wet hair. It always made her feel cold and crappy, and especially unsophisticated. Nothing put her in a worse mood, and she felt as though she could kill someone for a hairdryer.

    Her black high-heeled boots squished every time she stepped, sinking ankle-deep in mud and making it hard to walk straight. It occasionally threw her off-balance; already she had fallen twice on her butt, ruining her already dirty clothes. Keera prayed her mother would still have a spare set of clothes for her since she had left five years ago.

    But despite the miserable living conditions, Keera was looking up. New Bark town had to be just ahead, and the sooner she got there, the sooner she could take a nice long hot bubble bath. She hadn't had one in four days, and she wasn't allowed to take one when she was held for questioning at the police station on the Indigo Plateau, much to her disgust. She had only hoped the nasty rank she was giving off was driving away any would-be predators.

    Sighing exhaustedly, she glanced up at the forest top where the sun had finally broken through the ominous rain clouds. Bright streams of light filtered down through the gaps in the leaves, illuminating Keera's face as she walked by. The fresh air had also done wonders for her sinuses, and smelled of delicious berries and wildflowers.

    Well, I guess this redemptive journey of mine hasn't been totally shitty, Keera thought, amused.

    Still trudging through a mixture of mud and grass, she soon spotted a clearing up ahead, and quickened her pace hopefully. When she reached the mouth of the forest, the trees gave way to a wildflower-covered bank, and an expansive green-blue lake that stretched over a mile across the horizon. Over the distance, she spotted the still small form of a house, and the rooftops of many others on the other side. One word flooded through her mind as she sank to the ground gratefully.

    Home.


    - -


    “Alek? Alek, is that you? What are you still doing in bed, honey? It's 9:30, and you should've been at Professor Elm's laboratory over and hour ago...”

    A middle-aged woman peered over her son's bed, poking at a still form lying face flat in a pillow. The mass of navy blue covers obscured any slight form of her son, but she was sure he was in there somewhere... She got a response as she poked his sensitive side: A mild groan from somewhere underneath the mass of fabric. He muttered something unintelligible also, but she couldn't make it out.

    “Alek?” she asked curiously, “It's 9:31 now.” Gently, she reached out to give her son a nudge, when-

    “9:30?? MOM! WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!” The covers were up in a flash of blue cloth, and her son Alek dashed down the stairs in a flurry of grey and blue colors. Mrs. Whitmore was left standing at the side of her son's bed, hair a bit windblown, and staring oddly at the doorway to her son's room.

    “Well,” she continued a bit loudly as her son flew downstairs to the kitchen, “normally you snore as loud as a Gyarados, so when I didn't hear you this morning I thought you'd already left. I only just realized you had your face in your pillow when I went to put away clothes.”

    Alek had shouted something back, but once again it was muffled by the sound of him shoving a bagel in his mouth as he ran back upstairs to put on his clothes. He then dashed out the front door, and Mrs Whitmore followed.

    “Goodbye!” She waved. She watched with a mixture of worry and happiness as her son dashed away, leaving nothing but a cloud of dust in his wake. “And don't worry!” she shouted also, “I'm sure you're not the first person to ever wake up late anyway...”


    - -


    The day had been, or started to be, a fairly good day for Professor Elm when he'd awoken to the soft morning sun shining through his house in New Bark town; a bright and cloudless morning. The day had been just like any other day as Elm started his morning routine, making his favorite brand of coffee, feeding his family's pet Meowth, and watering the garden before he went to work. Nothing had been out of balance in nature that could've possibly warned him about what was ahead when he arrived at the Pokemon Lab he owned in the back half of New Bark.

    As he approached the premises, he had already caught a glimpse of a small crowd of people huddled around the front doors of his Lab. As he jogged forward to see what was going on, he saw bright strips of yellow tape and a team of a half dozen police officers surrounding the quaint little building, taking notes on their notepads and logs. Officer Jenny, the lead police officer in charge, was roping people off and shooing curious on-lookers away from the area. Professor Elm hurriedly jogged to Jenny, his heart thumping and already fearing the worst. He could only blurt out the first thing he was dying to know when he approached her.

    “How are the Pokemon?!” he exclaimed, out of breath. Officer Jenny turned to him, eyes locking his.

    “Professor Elm?” She asked sternly. The Professor nodded and Jenny escorted him under the yellow tape and into the building.

    The damage was minimal as far as the Professor could see, and whoever broke in knew what they were after and where it was. The only things that would need fixing were the locks and busted doors, and maybe some new cases, because the shattered glass littered the floor everywhere. But one thing was apparent as they toured the crime scene: the Pokemon were all gone. Not a single Pokeball remained in its case, and not even the caged Pokemon had been spared.

    After seeing the broken, empty cages, Professor Elm sighed.

    “Do we have any idea of who could've done this?” He asked. Officer Jenny shook her head sadly.

    “I'm sorry Professor, but we're doing all we can, and so far no evidence has turned up. No fingerprints, no hair samples, nothing. All we have are a few busted doors, shattered glass and a motive.”

    Professor Elm sighed again, and scratched the back of his head in thought.

    “Well, looks like no one will be getting starter Pokemon today...” he trailed off. His thoughts raced to the happy faces of children receiving their first Pokemon, but shook his head in dismay, seeing as none of them would be very happy at all today....

    A small faint snapping sound came from inside a cabinet nearby, and roused Elm from his dark reverie. He blinked once, twice, then moved to open the suspicious cabinet to make sure he wasn't hearing things. Officer Jenny pulled out her gun and pointed it warily to the area, just in case the intruder wasn't too friendly. She nodded to Elm, and Elm threw open the cabinet doors.

    Huddled in the back corner, trembling and frightened, was a small Larvitar, eyes wide and fearful.


    - -


    “Professor? Professor?” Alek called nervously. Pushing and gently shoving his way through the crowd gathered just outside the lab, Alek couldn't believe what he was seeing. The Pokemon lab, broken into? It was too horrible to be true. He had to have some seriously bad luck or bad karma for the Lab's Pokemon to be stolen on the day he was to get his license. It was almost incomprehensible.

    Finally getting a glimpse of a white lab coat as he jumped up and down through the crowd, Alek pushed forward. He'd heard some older women gossiping nearby and couldn't help but overhear part of their conversation as he tried to get through.

    “... You don't think it was her do you?”

    “Well, she certainly has motive... and think about all those terrible things she's done!”

    “It's couldn't have been her though... she's just come back a couple of hours ago from what I've heard!”

    “The nerve of her to come back at all, giving us a bad name! It's a wonder Marianne didn't kick her out the moment she'd arrived back home! That's what I'd have done if she were my wretched daughter!”

    Alek was confused about who they were talking about, but nevertheless he pushed it back to the far corner of his mind as he reached Professor Elm, who was currently filling out Police paperwork. It was obvious he'd been there for hours, from the dead tired slouch he had and dark circles under his eyes.

    “Professor?” Alek began tentatively. Professor Elm looked up, surprised, and gave Alek somewhat of a half-hearted smile as the boy called to him from behind the tape. He then motioned for Alek to come through.

    “Morning Alek. All the others came an hour ago, and I explained what happened.”

    Alek looked to the ground in shame while muttering an apology, and buried his fists in his jean pockets. Elm sighed.

    “It's alright, I'll tell you anyway. It seems as though someone broke into the lab and stole all of the Pokemon this morning. Thus, I have none left to give. We're just going to have to reschedule until I get the place fixed, and we catch more Pokemon.”

    Alek was flabbergasted.

    “But, -what about the police? Aren't they going to help? It'll be weeks before you're ready again!”

    “Yes, well, the police are doing everything within their power to track the villains, but so far they've had no luck. The lab issue I'm not happy about either, but we'll have to make do. I'm sorry Alek. Really, I am.”

    Alek felt the slow weight of what Elm said sink through his brain. There was no way he could wait another week, or even a few more days! He was going to leave today, he had to. He'd dreamed of this moment for far too long to have an inconvenience like this set him back. His mouth was set into a determined line as the young ten year-old boy made up his mind.

    “I'm going after them.”

    Professor Elm did a double take of the small mouse-like boy.

    “What? Alek, that's crazy! You don't have any Pokemon to defend yourself with, it'd be suicide. You don't have any battling experience either, so even if I did have one Pokemon left to spare, you wouldn't be able to control him.”

    Alek's eyes gazed cooly.

    “So you do have a Pokemon left?”

    Elm sighed.

    “It's not what you think, Alek. He's not a starter and he will barely listen to me, no less a boy with no badges at all. He's scared and frightened, and we'd need a trainer with some experience to control him. But even then...”

    “Just let me try!” Alek pleaded, “I'll help, I've got to help! I can't just sit here as the world passes by I've got to do something!”

    Elm sighed.

    “No.”

    “What?”

    “No. And that's final. You're not going. But,” Elm said as he scratched something on a piece of notebook paper, “You have given me an idea. Take this note to this house number here,” he pointed with his pen, “and take it to a girl named Keera. I heard she's just got back, so she should be home. It'll keep you busy, and who knows, maybe there'll be some developments when you get back.”

    Elm tore off the paper and handed it to Alek, who didn't look happy at all about his new mission.

    “Please, Alek,” Elm said.

    Alek took the paper wordlessly, and started off in a random direction toward similar house numbers.

    He growled and shoved the paper in his pocket.

    What was so great about this Keera girl anyway?


    - -


    Keera had heard the doorbell to her home ring, but made no move to answer it. Lying flat on her stomach in her old plush bed, TV remote in hand, in a simple blue T-shirt and jeans, Keera mindlessly flipped channels; not wanting to have anything more to do with society, now or ever again. Not even the mailman, or girl scouts selling cookies were worthy of her time anymore. People were a nuisance, and so were Pokemon. In all honesty, she was perfectly contented to just stay in her room forever and rot until she was an old woman, or a bag of unproductive bones and saggy skin. She'd already tried making a difference in society, and they whole-heartedly hated her now. So, she might as well whole heartedly hate them in turn.

    She almost fell off the bed in surprise as her mother knocked on her room door unexpectedly, and let herself in.

    “Sorry, Keera honey, but there's someone here to see you downstairs.”

    Someone to see me?
    Keera thought, Good Gods, I haven't been here but four hours, barely gotten my rose-scented bath and extra sleep, and already the media is on my hide?

    “Gah, why can't I retire peacefully?” she muttered soundly. Groaning and unwillingly, Keera rolled off of her bed and, not even bothering to fix her hair, marched down to the kitchen following her mother.

    What she encountered hadn't been what she was expecting at all. Instead of a pesky and eager reporter literally on the edge of their seat wanting to get the latest scoop on the former Team Rocket member, she saw a scrawny dark haired boy of no more than ten sitting at their kitchen table, gratefully gulping down some freshly made cookies her mother had just made ten minutes ago, and downing a glass of milk with it.

    A creepy chill went through Keera's spine. I didn't think I'd affected kids this young... I mean, I couldn't have...

    The boy noticed the grey-eyed blond girl staring at him, and gulped down the last of his milk.

    “Uh, hi. I'm Alek. Are you Keera?”

    Keera nodded, and took her own seat very businesslike across from him.

    “I am. Listen, not to be mean or anything, but I'd rather this be very brief. Whatever you've got to say, say it and be on your way, and don't bother me again.”

    Patience was never one of Keera's virtues, and she was still tired from her two day trek through mud. Humoring a small boy wasn't on the to-do list for when she got back home.

    The boy, Alek was his name?, stared at her through mildly surprised eyes, and scrounged up a crumpled piece of notebook paper from his pocket. At first, Keera though he was giving her his phone number -much to her sadistic amusement-, but instead there was some other writing scribbled in hasty penmanship.

    Keera,

    Please, with all due respect, meet me at my laboratory here in New Bark. We have a small break-in problem, and I need your help. I know it's much to ask of you since you just arrived, -and, considering the circumstances of your arrival- but I really need your assistance. I'll explain the details later.

    - Elm


    Keera stared hard at the paper.

    “You're kidding me, right?” She glanced up at Alek for some sort of confirmation.

    Alek shook his head no. “Please,” he said, “You have to help! All of the starters are stolen!”

    Keera rubbed her temples irritably, and already felt a headache coming on, and realized she had forgotten to take her migraine medicine this morning. And though the boy probably couldn't help it, his voice was annoying and too high-pitched.

    He continuously pleaded with her.

    “If you don't, we'll all have to wait until weeks before we get new Pokemon, and who knows what'll happen to those poor Pokemon that were taken! If we leave now, we can catch the thieves!”

    His voice grated against her mind, whom was currently still trying to assess the situation.

    “Please, please-!”

    “Alright! Alright, just shut up!” Keera said, exasperated. “But, I'll only follow you to Elm's place. If this isn't worth my time, I'm leaving.”

    The boy leapt out of his chair, almost too excitedly.

    “All right, let's go!” he said. Keera followed him out the door, when suddenly Alek whirled around and went back inside.

    “Thanks for the cookies Ma'am!” he shouted inside. He ran back outside, and continued to lead a surprised and none-too-thrilled Keera to Elm's lab.

    Keera's mother giggled as the pair left. “Well, at least he has good manners.”


    - -


    Bit of an odd place to end it, but this is how it worked out. >>; Grammar sweeps, feedback, questions and spam is welcomed. Thanks guys.
    Last edited by Azurne; 7th June 2008 at 8:07 PM.

  9. #9
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    Hee hee... I like Keera. She seems like such a badass. And Alek has always been one of my favorite names, hellifiknow why, but it endears me to him. I'm really liking how this is going.
    Whee. I put this here just so my posts wouldn't look so ugly. You'd be amazed at how ugly they look without a siggy. Maybe later I'll put something of some consequence down here. Maybe. I'm kinda lazy. Oh well. Peace out, hommes.

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    Prologue

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    “... ... What? Did you want me to say something? 'I'm sorry?' Or maybe, 'Yes, I regret my actions, let me get down on my knees and beg for my license back?' Look, I don't have time for this, just give me my punishment and let's be done with it.”

    Officer Jenny, of the Indigo Plateau police force, shook her head solemnly as she tore the final remnants of the former Pokemon trainer's license in half and let them flutter to the ground.

    “You know,” Jenny said sadly, “... There were other ways you could have done this without giving up your license.”
    It feels like something is missing in here, especially between the first and second paragraphs. Because in one she wants to be punished and then it's over...

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    The [young trainer girl] would not make eye contact, and made [something of] a snorting noise as she sat in the interrogation room of the station, arms and legs [both] crossed.
    'Young trainer girl' could be only 'young girl', as we already know she's a trainer; 'something of' is unnecessary and weakens your prose; 'both' is incorrect and unnecessary (leg + leg + arm + arm = 4 things, not 2).

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    Jenny stepped outside herself, and watched one of the most promising trainers of her time walk away into the forest, shoulders still square and head held high[;] although she was definitely a mere shadow of what she once was.
    No semi-colon, because behind it is a phrase, not a clause. Comma instead.


    I. In Media Res

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    The forest floor was incredibly cold, grimy, and wet. [
    Wonderful opening line for the chapter.


    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    After two days of plundering through rain, the water had finally sunk through Keera's thin black jacket, making her journey to New Bark Town unbearably cold, and wet. Her teeth chattered together restlessly, and her mop of shoulder-length wet blond hair stuck to the back of her neck like straw, [making it most uncomfortable].
    The last phrase is unnecessary. From your description we can infer that it was uncomfortable - you don't need to state it again.


    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    And Keera absolutely hated having wet hair. It always made her feel cold and crappy, and especially unsophisticated. Nothing put her in a worse mood, and she felt as though she could kill [something] for a hairdryer.
    It should be probably be 'someone' instead of 'something', because only humans have hairdryers.

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    Her black high-heeled boots squished every time she stepped, sinking ankle-deep in mud and making it hard to walk straight. It occasionally threw her off-balance; [and] already she had fallen twice on her butt, ruining her already dirty clothes.
    No 'and'. If you want the 'and', change the semi-colon to a comma.


    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    She hadn't had one in four days, and she wasn't allowed to take one when she was held for questioning at the Viridian police station on the Indigo Plateau, much to her disgust.
    Viridian City isn't on the Indigo Plateau.



    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    Bright streams of light filtered down through the gaps in the leaves, [sometimes] illuminating Keera's face as she walked [by].
    'Sometimes' doesn't make since, because the sun would be illuminating her every time she walked under (not by), the gaps in the leaves.


    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    The fresh air had also done wonders for her sinuses, and smelled of delicious berries and wildflowers.
    The wording is off. It sounds like her sinuses smell of delicious berries in wildflowers. You mean that the air had a fragrant scent.


    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    One word flooded through her mind as she sank to the ground[,] gratefully.
    Comma unnecessary if 'gratefully' is modifying 'she sank'.


    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    “Alek? Alek[,] is that you? What are you still doing in bed[,] honey?
    Both cases are direct addresses and require a comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    A middle-aged woman [leered] over her son's bed, poking at a still form lying face flat in a pillow.
    'Leered' isn't exactly the word you're looking for her. 'To leer' is to look with sly or malicious intent, which I would hope his mother wouldn't have.

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    [It] muttered something unintelligible also, but she couldn't make it out.
    'It' becomes 'he'.

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    “How are the Pokemon?!” [H]e exclaimed (,) out of breath.
    'He' shouldn't be capitalized, and you need a comma after 'exclaimed'.

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    The damage was minimal as far as the Professor could see, whoever broke in knew what they were after and where it was.
    Run on sentence here. (Break it up, add an 'and' after the comma, or change the comma to a semi-colon.)


    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    But one thing was apparent as they toured the crime scene: [T]he Pokemon were all gone.
    'The' shouldn't be capitalized.

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    “Well, looks like no one will be getting starter Pokemon today...” he trailed (off).
    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    She nodded to Elm, and [elm] threw open the cabinet doors.
    Elm needs to be capitalized.


    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    “Morning Alek. A tad bit late [,] are we?

    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    As you know, today would have been the day where I give out all the starter Pokemon to eligible children.
    Worst way to tell things, and unnecessary since we already know it.


    Quote Originally Posted by . IC Ghost . View Post
    People were a nuisance, and so were[n't] Pokemon.
    Typo.

    Well, it's an interesting premise. I glad you didn't give Alek the Larvitar, though I would like to see Keera redeemed... It'll be interesting to see how Keera relates to the situation. Nice twist on the cliche of starting late as well. Other than that, we'll see how this works out, won't we.

  11. #11
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    Thanks Arcanine Royale. ^^ I'll try and fix the mistakes as fast as I can. Grammar is my worst enemy.

    You've got some pretty good timing too, since I've just finished chapter 2.



    ----------------- II: Thus the Hero, and the Anti-Hero ----------------




    “So, in other words, your Pokemon were stolen from right under your nose, the police can't do this all by their lonesome, even though they're the police, there aren't any other trainers here, so I'm the only one you can turn to?”




    Professor Elm nodded calmly, simply brushing off Keera's lack of empathy for the situation, while Alek stood shamed-faced next to him, unable to look anyone in the eye. It aggravated him that he couldn't do this himself. If only he could take that Larvaitar, he was sure he could take back those stolen Pokemon with no problem at all, and they wouldn't even need to be calling anyone for help.

    He glanced up at Elm, who was calmly staring down Keera, patiently waiting for an answer. The man had seemed dedicated on using that girl though, and everytime Alek had tried hinting at taking the Larvaitar himself, he'd gotten a stern look that said 'no,' from the Professor.

    So Alek instead turned his attention to Keera, and dissected her profile thoroughly, mentally trying to qualify her for the job he felt he should have.

    As he got his first real good look at her, he came to the startling realization she was a little intimidating. Earlier in her house he hadn't bothered to notice, because he hadn't been fully paying attention. But now, seeing her sharp grey eyes and thin blond eyebrows accentuating her small face, he suddenly realized why some of the townsfolk had made it a point to avoid her. Her entire presence was... ominous. Foreboding, almost.



    “No.”



    Her deep alto voice cut through his reverie, and Alek took a few shocked moments to catch up on the conversation.

    "No?" Elm echoed, slightly surprised also. Keera half-turned, facing the Pokemon Lab with a frown, and stared into a fragmented window reflecting her broken image.

    “No,” she quietly repeated, “don't you understand I've had enough of this?”

    Professor Elm looked at her, indifferent.

    “No, I don't to be honest,” he said, “what I do know is that you made your choice, and it has nothing to do with what I'm asking you now. What's done is done, Keera. I couldn't care less what happened over the past five years. What matters now is I'm asking you to help with this one little thing.”

    She smirked and stiffened.

    “'This one little thing',” she mocked, “Tch, where have I heard that before?”

    Elm's face twisted with a fleeting moment of irritation, but he quickly reminded himself of who he was dealing with, and relaxed himself with a sigh.

    Keera continued, un-fazed. “All I heard as a traveling ten year old, was 'Keera, could you do me a favor?' 'Keera, I just have thing one little thing, could you help me?'” Her fists clenched at her sides, “Keera this' 'Keera that', I was practically running that damned lab for you!”

    “I'll admit, I did have you doing some things that I should have done myself, and I apologize,” he said, “but please, Keera, if you do this one small task for me, I promise I'll never bother you again.”

    Alek turned to look at both of them, trying to follow the conversation. He had no idea what sort of tasks she'd been put on, but it seemed more than enough to warrant getting on her nerves. He saw Keera turn back to face them, eyebrows furrowed darkly.

    “Just remind me,” she said in a low tone, “why I should be the one to get them. I seem to be the bad guy around here anyways, so what does it matter?”

    “Those Pokemon matter!” Elm suddenly shouted. Alek physically recoiled, having never seem the Professor react that way. Keera remained calm, and snorted.

    “Is that supposed to win my sympathy?! The well-being of-”

    Surprisingly, she cut herself short. Her voice cracked, and she clamped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide and dialated as though she'd just uttered a sin that would condemn her forever.

    The Professor and Keera both stood quiet. Alek, perplexed, tried to help carry the conversation's point.

    “... So, are you going to help us?” he asked.

    Keera released her hold over her mouth, and stared hard at the ground, debating. A few moments passed, and she answered so quietly Alek had to strain his ears to hear it.



    “All right... I'll help.”



    Elm smiled, albeit a bit crookedly, and he outstretched a hand to her. Resting in between his fingers was a shiny red and white Pokeball.

    Keera stared at it a while, until she reached her arm out and grasped the ball tightly.




    Alek stared quizzically at the scene, a concentrated look on his face. It was his first glimpse of who Keera Molyneux truly was, and the shadowy enigma she represented.

    - - -


    The truck had been loaded, the final crate of Pokemon packed tightly against the others, with a continuous wail of Pokemon cries arising from the hold as the back door was shut and locked into place.

    A man wearing a black uniform with an unmistakable 'R' on the front saluted another man, and climbed into the driver's seat of the vehicle. The truck roared to life moments later, and the Rocket Grunt rolled down his window, shouting at his comrade below on the side of the road.

    “Where's Waldo?” he crooned impatiently. The other rocket grunt shrugged.

    “He said he'd be here with those damn starters twenty minutes ago, but I haven't seen hide nor hair of 'em. Wonder what's the hold-up.”

    The driver grunted, and checked his watch.

    “Well, no matter, I'm getting out of here while we still have the goods. No telling when those cops will show up. See ya at base.”

    The two grunts waved each other off, the truck full of stolen Pokemon shrinking off into the distance as it drove away. The only team Rocket member left tapped his foot irritably, making a mental note to mark this on Waldo's record.

    - - -

    “Crap!”

    SLAM!


    A purple Rattata was throw against a large tree, and fell to the ground ungracefully with a red bump on his tiny little forehead. Black swirls in his eyes indicated he was no longer able to battle, and his trainer recalled him angrily.

    The trainer, a man wearing an all-black uniform with a red bolded 'R' stamped on the front, gritted his teeth at his opponents, a blond-haired chick and a short blue-haired boy. Neither of them really looked opposing - except for perhaps the girl - but he hadn't been expecting to lose like that.

    The girl's Pokemon, a Larvitar, stared angrily at the Rocket member, having distinctly remembered him as he raided the lab that fateful morning. He wasn't paying much attention to his trainer, and actually hadn't listened at all during their battle. He'd only beaten the Rattata by sheer luck and brute strength.

    Waldo gritted his teeth. This can't be happening. I, a member of Team Rocket, beaten by a wannabe chick and her side-kick?

    The girl smirked from afar on the other side of their makeshift arena, a forest connecting New Bark to Cherrygrove.

    “Hand over the stolen Pokemon, and I might be nice and give you a five second head start to run away,” she said.

    “Tough words from a girl with only one Pokemon to defend herself with. A runt Pokemon at that,” Waldo snickered. Larvitar growled offensively, and flexed his jaw. Keera sighed, exhausted already.

    “I'll give you one more shot: hand over the Pokemon and run with your honor intact, or get sent packing with your dignity in shambles.”

    The prided Rocket rolled his eyes.

    “If you think I'm scared of a little girl-”

    “Yadda yadda yadda, out of my way! Larvitar, Tackle!”

    Larvitar sprang up in the air eagerly, and bluntly rammed his head into the Grunt's chest. Caught off-guard by the attack, Waldo accidentally dropped his box of stolen Pokeballs which scattered all over the grass. Alek grabbed one of them before the grunt could snatch it back up.

    “That was cheap you little wench!” he shouted.

    “You were talking too much. Stuff it and hand over the remaining Pokemon,” Keera said. The grunt moved defensively to hide the other Pokeballs.

    “Go Ekans!” he shouted, throwing another Pokeball from his jacket. The Pokeball opened up in a bright light, and a serpent-like purple Pokemon emerged from it's confines. The Ekans hissed threateningly from its spot on the street. “Ekans, use bite!”

    Ekans lunged for Larvitar, but Keera was faster.

    “Larvitar, jump!”

    Instead of obeying Keera, the Larvitar sent a glare at her, and braced itself for an attack. The Ekans came full force, and bit into Larvitar's shoulder hard. Larvitar squealed a bit, but then pushed the giant snake back.

    Keera face palmed.

    “This isn't going to work if you don't damned listen to me! Now bite him!”

    Larvitar again glared and pushed Ekans completely off of him. He then stomped on the ground hard, and a miniature earthquake started, collapsing the ground around the Ekans. Ekans squirmed a bit, before finally falling unconscious from the falling debris.

    Rocket Grunt Waldo couldn't believe his terrible luck, and recalled Ekans. He then compromised the battle, and made a hasty bee-line for the forest.

    “Keera, he's getting away!” Alek shouted.

    “I can see that!” she said. Not bothering to recall Larvitar, she dashed after the Rocket member full speed.

    Waldo evaded trees and brush, while hurling over rocks and other small cliffs trying to lose Keera, who was steadily gaining on him. Fiddling with the box, he suddenly remembered the back-up plan should they have been caught during their lab raid.

    Waldo smirked, and pulled out a smokeball from his jacket. He threw it toward the ground, and the little black ball went off, filling smoke all around the forest.

    Keera had known he'd try to make some ill-conceived escape attempt, but she hadn't been expecting this. Putting her arm over her mouth and nose, she tried to continue pursuit, but eventually had to stop because of the smoke clogging her lungs. She coughed multiple curses as she made out the dark silhouette of the Rocket member getting away, blending into the dark green of the forest.



    - - -



    “Well... we got at least one, right?” the young blue-haired Alek commented, trying to lighten Keera's mood.

    Bitter at having lost the grunt, Keera only made a semi-distinguishable “Mhm” sound.

    Larvitar walked alongside of them, partly because Keera hadn't bothered to recall him, and partly because she wanted to teach him a lesson on respect. He'd been completely out of line during the battle. She glanced down at him with a narrowed grey eye, emotions already at a climax.

    “So what is your problem?” she asked the tiny rock-skinned Pokemon, looking down at him. “First, you disobey me, not once, not twice, but the whole battle! The only time you remotely did what I asked of you was when I ordered you to tackle that creep. It's inexcusable.”

    Larvitar looked up at Keera with angered eyes, and huffed. Keera felt herself wanting to strangle the tiny rock Pokemon.

    “Dont you understand a single word of what I'm saying? We could have lost today because of you. I can guarantee I've had more experience than you in the last five years battling, than you have in your entire lifetime. Don't expect to get very far in life if you keep disobeying me like that.”

    With that, Keera picked up the pace towards New Bark, leaving Alek and Larvitar behind.

    Alek, who had been watching the exchange silently, turned to Larvitar with a frown.

    “Well, I thought you did a good job,” he said. Larvitar merely stared at him, and picked up his pace as well, following Keera into town. Alek blinked at the Pokemon's brush-off attempt.

    Well, like Pokemon, like trainer, he thought.



    - - -




    “It's yours, Alek. Keep him. Consider it my thanks for helping Keera today.”

    Keera visibly rolled her eyes while standing behind Alek, obviously thinking the contrary.

    They both had arrived without incident at the remains of the Professor's lab, and given the remaining Pokemon to the Professor, who in turn had just given him back to Alek as thanks. After running a few tests on the starter, Elm gave the OK for him to be released.

    Alek took the Pokeball from the professor with wide eyes, a smile big enough for two people.

    “I hope you don't mind fire types,” Elm commented with his own smile.

    Alek grinned and threw the pokeball in the air.

    “Go!” he shouted. The Pokeball unleashed its blazing fury, and out of the bright light a small mouse-like Pokemon emerged, flames erupting from its back. “A Cyndaquil!” Alek shouted joyously.

    The Cyndaquil shook its head a couple of times, then glanced up at his new trainer.

    “Cynda. Quil,” he said. Alek rubbed the back of its head.

    “I'll name him... Quilla," he said, "Yeah, Quilla, how's that?”

    The Cyndaquil nodded and responded in its own language with a bright smile. Professor Elm then took out a hand held red machine, and handed it to Alek.

    “Is that what I think it is?” Alek asked. Elm nodded and gave it to him.

    “Use it wisely. It'll help you a lot on your journey.” Alek took it gratefully, and put it into his backpack.

    “I'll leave tonight!” he shouted triumphantly. Elm looked concerned, and tilted his head.

    “Tonight? Are you sure? It's really late, why not go back home for one last night? Besides, your mother called, and she told me she has something for you.”

    Alek grumbled something unintelligible, and sighed. He was a bit sleepy...

    “Fine. I'll go back...” Elm smiled, and waved the boy good bye as he left.

    He then turned to the spot where Keera had been, and sighed. He knew she left after she saw the Cyndaquil, her face twisted with agony.

    “When will you learn to get over the past?” he asked to no one in particular. He then looked up to the night sky, and down at his Pokemon lab which was in ruins. Then again, he thought, our past will always haunt us, now matter where we go.

    - - -

    Keera dried her tears quickly, and breathed in deeply. She sat on the edge of the bank, looking across the lake that led to the Indigo Plateau. The night had been crystal clear, almost perfect. The moon was full, and shone brightly over the lake, reflecting brightly in the water. The shadowed trees lined the bank, and the once-brightly colorful flowers now were obscured by the color of night.

    Keera heard a twin snap behind her, and turned to see her mother sitting next to her, surprisingly.

    “Mother? What are you doing here?” she asked dumbly. Her mother flattened out the wrinkles on her dress, and gazed at Keera warmly.

    “Does a mother need a reason to see her daughter?” Keera smiled and shook her head.

    “I guess not.”

    The two sat in silence, with Keera gazing of into the distance, deep in thought.

    That boy, Alek, was leaving on his journey. How he painfully reminded her of herself back when she was a child, receiving her first Pokemon as well. Keera could still remember that amazing moment, all its ecstasy intact. She'd remembered her first Pokemon, as bright as the moon was now, and his hot flames that had scorched her hand when she'd tried to touch him by accident. She remembered his quiet little cries, and his quirky personality that complimented hers to a T.

    She hung her head, and buried her nose in the crook of her arm.

    That was all gone now.

    This was the present.



    “You know... I think you should go.”

    Her mother's voice broke into her thoughts, and Keera turned to look at her, one eyebrow raised.

    “You should follow that boy... Alek, I think was his name... It'll do you some good. You seem so much happier while traveling, and not in one place. Such a nice boy too, he could use some advice.”

    “Mother...” Keera trailed, seeing the tears forming in her mother's eyes. Her mother waved Keera's concerned notion off with her hand.


    “You are still my daughter, no matter what happened out there while you were away on your journey, you know,” she said. Keera's face softened.

    “Thanks mother, but didn't you... didn't you hear anything about me though?” Her mother turned away, faced writhed with pain.

    “I... had heard stories... cruel stories, but I didn't want to believe them. Surely my daughter, my little Keera, would never do such a thing, and for a while I denied them, instead I focused on the daily life here in New Bark. But when I heard... when I heard that you....you...”

    Keera looked down, shamefully.

    “I'm sorry mom.”

    “W-what?”

    “I'm sorry. For putting you through all this. You don't deserve it.”

    “Please, just promise me this time you won't do it again, and you'll help the boy become something great. I don't know what it is, but something tells me he'll need you.”

    “I promise, mother, I promise,” Keera replied. Her mother smiled weakly.

    “What will it take to get you to call me 'mommy' again like you use to, huh? No more of this formal 'mother' stuff, got it?” Keera laughed.

    “How about 'mom', and we leave it at that?” Her mother smiled, and put an arm around Keera in agreement. The two gazed silently across the moonlit lake, with Keera's mind made up.

    She'll follow Alek.


    ... If only to make sure he didn't repeat the same mistakes she made.
    Last edited by Azurne; 8th October 2008 at 6:07 PM.

  12. #12
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    Are you going to say what lost Keera her license? It must have been really bad seeing as in the whole of pokemon no ones ever lost them. Its a really good fic though.
    [CENTER]

    Credit for the banner goes to Kamotz

  13. #13
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    Haha, thank you, and yes you'll find out why she lost her license in the next few chapters. Can't completely spoil my fun, eh?

    Oh, I almost forgot:

    Quote Originally Posted by Arcanine Royale View Post
    Prologue



    It feels like something is missing in here, especially between the first and second paragraphs. Because in one she wants to be punished and then it's over...



    Well, that *could* be my fault, but the real reason I left it that way was because Keera can't make up her mind which one she wants. She wants to be punished for the things she did, but at the same time there's something else pressing on her conscious, and she knows she *shouldn't* be punished for it. And if she'd followed through with Officer Jenny's suggestion to be punished another way (by serving time in jail), she'd be silently admitting to everyone she was guilty.

    I know your asking 'what's the difference?', but hopefully it'll become clearer later why she specifically chose to revoke her license instead of serve jail time.

    So basically, she wanted to be punished and move on with her life, and hopefully to try and forget all that had happened.
    Last edited by Azurne; 7th June 2008 at 8:22 PM.

  14. #14
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    ---------------- Interlude : Succubus to Darkness ----------------






    A long time ago, I used to be something.


    Something terrible, revolting, and so evil I practically fed off of my own dark ambitions. I was like a sponge. I soaked up every ounce of evil, and radiated it every chance I had. My blood, if it reflected me, was black, blacker than the night sky at midnight, so full of corruption and sin. It eventually filled every pore of my skin, drained the pigment from my eyes and reduced them to nothing but grey hollow carcases that used to hold something. The corruption grabbed hold of my mind, and like a tree's roots intertwined and infected my shattered dreams, and turned them into something grotesque. It molded me into a dark figure, something blasphemous. By the end of my transformation, I couldn't remember who I really was anymore.

    It had twisted me into thinking I was above all the rest. That I was superior in existence, and my soul was worth more than a thousand other lowly souls that wreaked this dirt-ball of a planet.




    Darkness was like an addiction to me. Correction, it was my addiction.

    I can't really pinpoint the exact time I had began to change. All I really remember was my anger. My anger, hurt, sorrow, and frustration. To whom? The world. My parents. Other people. Life. My Pokemon. Me. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed power, more power. I wasn't getting strong enough.

    My childhood rival, who I use to be friends with, was beating me single-handed. He, of course, was friendly about it, and nice to me. After one of our matches, he'd ask me out to lunch, or help heal my Pokemon. He'd ask if there was anything he could do, and kindly give me some advice.

    But I didn't want any of his advice. Nor his sympathy. Or his kindness, for that matter.


    I wanted him to die.


    Ever since we had left Elm's laboratory together with our Pokemon, he'd always been beating me. I'd resolved to get stronger, to train harder. And at first, I wasn't bitter at all. I figured he was just lucky, and I'd win next time.

    Weeks later, after intense training, I challenged him to a re-match.

    He wiped the floor with me.


    It was then I started to sink into depression, figuring I was no good as a trainer, and I'd never amount to anything. I had entertained the option of quitting and returning to New Bark, but for some reason I had to keep going.


    It was because I was beating people left and right. Trainers who I didn't even know came to me asking for battles, and I crushed them. My Pokemon and I were an unstoppable team. There was always that little annoying voice of optimism that said I could beat him.

    But still. I lost.


    I lost to "Red", as I fondly remember him. It wasn't his real name of course, it was just an alias of sorts he used, because he always wore red. Even when we were children playing in the sandbox he'd always had something of red on him, so I started calling him that, and it stuck.


    I think he started to sense my frustration, halfway along our gym league challenge. He came over to me after one of our battles once, while I was on the ground staring at my own hands, wondering where they had gone wrong. He put both hands on my shoulders and tried looking me in the eye. I wouldn't return his gaze.

    "What's wrong?" I'd heard him ask, "Are you not feeling alright?"


    Idiot.

    I'd abruptly brushed his hands off and stalked off to the Pokemon center alone. He'd tried following, of course, as any good friend would do, but I wouldn't hear any of it. I was too mad at myself. Why did I always lose to him?

    Perhaps it was then I started my descent into darkness.


    After a few months of putting my gym challenge on hiatus, intense brutal training, and aimless wandering, I accidentally bumped into Team Rocket.





    I hated them, with a passion.

    They captured and enslaved Pokemon, and I nor my Pokemon would hear any of that. The very sight of their cruelty sickened me profusely. So I did what I did best. Pummeled them into oblivion, leaving nothing but dust and debris in the wake of my battles, one after the other.

    Word must have gotten to the Pokemon "G-men" as they were called, and I had gotten a visit sometime later from one of their most prized members: Lance, of the elite four.

    Our meeting was something akin to the opening chapter of a romance storybook. Albeit, a very crooked and strange one. At first, I wasn't impressed at all. He was nice, overly nice. A genuine great guy as I had heard from many people, and even the Johto tabloids couldn't deny that fact. But he was too passionate for my tastes, and would always smile warmly, making me squirm inside. I won't deny that his fanbase at least had one thing right: he really was attractive. But his god-complex was a complete turn off for me, almost to the point where I couldn't stand being in the same room as him.

    We talked, probably for an hour or so, and he offered me a position on behalf of the G-Men as one of their recruits. I wanted to laugh. I told him politely no thanks, and took my leave, my right-hand Pokemon flanking me as I exited.


    Sadly, that wasn't the last I'd seen of him.

    We'd met once after, during a battle that I'd instigated, destroying one of Team Rocket's supply bases and freeing the imprisoned Pokemon. He was undercover, and I'd accidentally battled him thinking he was one of them. I was too blinded by my own negative emotions, using Team Rocket as a vent for my anger and frustrations to notice Lance staring at me, calculating, wondering from behind his Team Rocket facade. I'd anihilated everyone in the room, and left soon after, letting the police know where they could find their outlaws.



    He tried to talk to me afterwards, but like I was with Red, I was too ashamed of my actions to even face him. I let my emotions get the better of me, and Lance had seen. He told me it was alright, and that he'd help me after "we" had gotten the mess cleaned up.






    Hubris is one of the seven deadly sins though, and at this point I had too much of it to just swallow it and move on. There was no way I could talk to Lance again.


    So I ran, for the second time.



    I can't tell you how long it was after that, that I'd run into Team Rocket's arms yet again. But this time, it was by accident, and I was tired. Emotionally exhausted from everything around me, sick of the false praise that I'd get after beating ten trainers in a row, knowing there was always someone stronger than me out there.

    But instead of attacking me this time, as was per usual, they offered me a job. I was stunned, half mad they'd dare to instigate such a thing, ...and half intrigued. The man doing the offering, clad in a pressed suit, grinned ferally at me and told me of the many different ways I could help build Team Rocket, and take position in it. He told me I'd be an administrator, no doubt, and that I'd make an excellent commander.

    I didn't really care about the remainder of the fluff that came with it. It was the simple fact I was starved, deprived of power, my thirst for strength starting to eat away at me and numb my conscious.

    I needed this job, for the sake of my sanity.


    So I accepted, and the next thing I knew, I was part of the head of Team Rocket, one of the four members of the “Shuffle Deck” commanding team. I was given the symbol of the heart as my signature of power, and took my place next to my compatriots: the Lady of Spades, Lord of Diamonds, and King of Clubs. This meant I was the best Team Rocket had to offer.

    It also meant I was a top priority target for the police... and the Pokemon G-Men. Though I had done nothing legally wrong by my own hands, I was now guilty by association.



    Not that it mattered, I stopped caring what Team Rocket did and started focusing on consuming power. Just holding office wasn't good enough for me, so I turned my attention to my lackluster Pokemon battling.


    My team suffered for that.


    I put them through rigorous courses, trained them till the brink of collapsing, and toiled through thirteen hour days. There was nothing that could possibly beat me afterwards. I ignored everything else, and couldn't care less about the world.


    ... And because I had stopped caring, so hadn't they.


    When we first began the training; I could see the despair in their eyes, the faint glimmer that said I might be salvageable as a human being, that maybe I'd snap out of it and return to being the innocent little girl at the laboratory. That I'd go back to telling them scary stories at night and sneaking them extra bread rolls when I could at the Pokemon Center.


    But as months flew by, I saw the light dim, fade and dwindle, and eventually suffocate. They were totally bent to me, just as they were to winning. If something was not right in their battle form, they'd correct it without me having to tell them so.

    I wish I could say I was saddened at their transformation.





    But I wasn't. I felt nothing. They were tools, envoys of the end. My only means to my goals.


    I realized what I'd become too late.




    One day, my right-hand Pokemon, my partner since the day I'd embarked on my Pokemon journey, had died.


    It wasn't from a battle. Just the usual training at Mount Silver, deep into the heart of the cave.



    He just... fell over, and collapsed. My other Pokemon paid him no attention, and just left him there.


    A couple of years before, they'd have rushed to his side, and helped him. But they didn't care.

    Eventually, after they sensed the smell of death, they tossed his body into the river.




    I was outside at the time, picking berries to tide my hunger over until it was time to leave. As I started making my was back into the cave, I noticed his body bobbing in the water. I was concerned, but only because he was a valuable asset to my team. When I turned him over and dragged him to shore, I found he had no pulse.


    It hit home like a crashing wave. Just seeing him lying there, in my arms.. mouth agape and helplessly limp in my arms... something clicked inside of me.


    I couldn't do anything afterwards. I couldn't even think. Events flew by me like blurred cars on a freeway, going so fast I couldn't keep track of time.

    Before I knew it, the whole world was after me, hellbent on making me suffer for my deeds.


    I was caught eventually, and put on trial. They couldn't prove half the things they'd accused me of, so I was only partially let off the hook. But I didn't care.




    My first Pokemon was dead. It was all that I could think of. Lance was enraged at me, as he rightfully -and yet wrongfully- should have been. Many things had transpired that I'd been accused of, but I had nothing to do with.


    It was all irrelevant to my simple mind though.




    I finally saw what I was.




    A monster.



    I never knew what became of my remaining Pokemon. I just took my punishment. Where ever they may be though, I'm sure they're being treated much better than when I was treating them.


    Even to this day, as I toss and toil in my bed from nightmares, one phrase echoes throughout my mind. One that haunts my every step, blissfully reminds me of what I was, what I am, and everything that has gone wrong.




    Typhlosion... no, Flintblaze, ... is dead.



    And it's all my fault.

    -----


    I go more in-depth as the fic progresses... I didn't want to completely spoil everything.
    Last edited by Azurne; 8th October 2008 at 6:11 PM.

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    Jeez, I'm such a cry-baby during parts that involve death, or near-death. Tears just go like crazy. Anyway, the story is quite nice. I thought Larvitar would go with Alek, and not Keera, because it was introduced rather early. But, Cyndaquil is a great starter too. A couple of grammar errors, so I'd give this story a 9/10.

  16. #16
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    Thanks. ^^ (sorry for late reply)

    lol, and I didn't mean to make you cry, I just wanted to possibly invoke some sympathy for Keera's situation, and give a little insight to her character a bit more. She cares about Pokemon more than she consciously knows.

    Meh, I never intended for Larvitar to go to Alek, simply because Alek is too inexperienced to handle Larvitar. It would end in disaster for the both of them.


    ... and where did I mention Larvitar would go with Keera? ( :P )

    Gah. Grammar is my enemy. :x

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    I am seriously upset. If the narrator was Keera then you have managed to tell us why she lost her license. But that was just so shocking and sad. Her starter dying was what snapped her out of it, but at such a terrible price. I have never come this close to crying when reading a fan fic, but this has driven me to the edge.
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    Wow.


    I must say, I'm really impressed. That's not something I've seen before. It's pretty new to me. It's nice to see a character like Keera, an experienced trainer, and her past, the death of her starter, juxtaposed against Alek's innocence like that.

    I personally loved the Johto games....I did always hope they'd remake them, but I doubt it at this point. Still, I like how symbolic the titles are--not just for the colors, but for the time of days--dawn, symbolizing youthful beginning, like Alek. Dusk, more aged and experienced-- Keera. Then again, it could just be the Lugia-Ho-oh motif, too. XD

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    When I saw that this fic will involve Johto I had to click on it. Keera seems, to me, like a combination of Silver and Gold. I also thought Larvaitar was going to go with Alek XD I'm glad he didn't though. I noticed in Chapter 2, you put two L's in Pokeball. A little mistake but I thought it was worth noting
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  20. #20
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    HOLY PUMPKIN PIE AND CARAMEL APPLES. NEW READERS.


    Sorry for delayed response. >.>


    Kyohime: Yay! Someone finally guessed the underlying meaning of the title! *waves pompoms* *hands chocolate chip cookie and slice of apple pie*

    Although originally, during the prewriting stages I was being uncreative, and just took the titles off of the fake remake games I found on the internet, called "Golden Dusk" and "Silver Dawn". But as I started writing the outline and finishing my character bios, I realized how apt the title truly was, and decided to keep it. :3 I didn't think anyone would catch it that fast though.

    Anyway, there's one more thing it symbolizes, but I can't tell you yet. xP


    Meh, and neither of their characters are where I want them yet. Alek at this point is way too underdeveloped, and Keera, though I'm happy about how she's turning out, isn't quite able to express her true self yet either. xD

    Thank you for the kind review. :3

    Shadow Lucario: The thought of giving Larvaitar to Alek did filter through the cobwebs of my mind, but like I said in my previous post, Alek and Larvaitar =/= good partners. T'would end with someone lying on the ground bleeding. Most likely poor Alek. Though with Keera, it'd be even worse. Someone would be lying on the ground in a coma. >.>

    Typo noted, and I shall see to it. Thank you for reading and reviewing! <3.




    As a general side note to everyone interested in this fic, I'm about halfway finished with the next chapter. Although this fic might take a back seat for a little while, to make room for my Halloween short-story special "Spikes and Needles", *<- adores Halloween time*, I shall resume updates as soon as possible.

    Thanks for waiting patiently. :>

    - Icy // Azurne

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    Reading some of your shorter works, I felt for some reason that your writing would be interestingly exceptional (or at least reasonably experienced). And so it is.

    The title, presented as it is in that arrangement, rather made me see it as a series of events rather than two simultaneous concepts. First, the Golden Dusk, and then a Silver Dawn at the end of the night. However, since there is only a hint of what this implies, and the hint could be an incorrect assumption, I'll hold that I have no idea if this was intentional or whether this implies anything.

    Congratulations for breaking about every cliché I can anticipate from a game remake--except for the very first, the belated morning of the beginning trainer; that was something of a bubble of normalcy in an otherwise fractured fiction. I almost expect you placed it in as an example of what happens to clichés in this fic who get too clever.

    Starting stories at points far into the characters' lives always gives this attractive sense of characteral fullness, whatever it might do to the narrative flow. We feel that here are observations and conversations with a history behind them, even if we don't understand the history at first. What originally corrupted this certain Keera, though? Certainly an unbeaten rival is nothing particularly tragic; something like it should be expected in any realistic trainer journey. Yet Keera seems to have reacted to it like acid: fell into her own career of evil and constructed her own inevitable downfall with (apparently) only that one frustration. Was it something destructive in her nature? Are there other inspirations you intend to reveal?

    There is this slight informality in the narrative voice that occasionally spoils the effect of the more poignant statements or figures of speech. Mainly it has to do with your occasional grammar mistakes, and your very short, snappy sentences. I don't know what to make of it; partially it's your writing style, and enjoys all the sanctity of alternative writing styles. I can, in any case, suggest smoother and more flowing sentences for certain appropriate moments.

    I saw something disconnected that I will show you now.

    But I wasn't. I felt nothing. They were tools, envoy's of the end. My only means to my goals.
    No plurals ever use apostrophes; if the phrase, word or letter is particularly odd you can enclose it in quotation marks, but this is not the case here so you can do away with that apostrophe.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek View Post
    Reading some of your shorter works, I felt for some reason that your writing would be interestingly exceptional (or at least reasonably experienced). And so it is.
    Um, *blushes* thank you. I'm still working on it though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek View Post
    The title, presented as it is in that arrangement, rather made me see it as a series of events rather than two simultaneous concepts. First, the Golden Dusk, and then a Silver Dawn at the end of the night. However, since there is only a hint of what this implies, and the hint could be an incorrect assumption, I'll hold that I have no idea if this was intentional or whether this implies anything.
    *sweat drop* While that is indeed a very, very well-thought out and detailed assumption, I’ll admit the placement was just because I thought it sounded better the way it is now. “The Silver Dawn, and Golden Dusk” doesn’t have the ring that “Golden Dusk, and Silver Dawn” has.

    The meaning on the other hand was accidental, as I pointed out to Kiyohime, but as it turns out, appropriate. Looking at my story outline though…

        Spoiler:- Small Spoiler...:


    Quote Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek View Post
    Congratulations for breaking about every cliché I can anticipate from a game remake--except for the very first, the belated morning of the beginning trainer; that was something of a bubble of normalcy in an otherwise fractured fiction. I almost expect you placed it in as an example of what happens to clichés in this fic who get too clever.
    The late wake-up call was on purpose to actually get your heads into that stereotypical mode. I had to have some level of normalcy, or to make it seem like your average cliché fic.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek View Post
    Starting stories at points far into the characters' lives always gives this attractive sense of characteral fullness, whatever it might do to the narrative flow. We feel that here are observations and conversations with a history behind them, even if we don't understand the history at first. What originally corrupted this certain Keera, though? Certainly an unbeaten rival is nothing particularly tragic; something like it should be expected in any realistic trainer journey. Yet Keera seems to have reacted to it like acid: fell into her own career of evil and constructed her own inevitable downfall with (apparently) only that one frustration. Was it something destructive in her nature? Are there other inspirations you intend to reveal?
    You’re only on Chapter three. And the sad reality is, I wrote the “intermission” chapter due to a bit of popular demand, which I probably shouldn’t have given into, but did.

    So to answer your question fully, yes, there is more, but from now on you will find out exactly when Alek does, because if you notice, Alek knows just as much about Keera as you do. You only know a little more because of the intermission.


    Quote Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek View Post
    There is this slight informality in the narrative voice that occasionally spoils the effect of the more poignant statements or figures of speech. Mainly it has to do with your occasional grammar mistakes, and your very short, snappy sentences. I don't know what to make of it; partially it's your writing style, and enjoys all the sanctity of alternative writing styles. I can, in any case, suggest smoother and more flowing sentences for certain appropriate moments.
    I do have that problem, and it partially has to do with me as a person. I’m very down-to-earth and informal, where as I’m trying to write something deep and complex. As for my writing style, I still haven’t necessarily found mine yet, despite writing for many years. I’ve read books by so many authors whose styles I want to try, and yet there’s also a specific way I want something presented in a part of the story. Thus, you have my mess here – loads of different authors’ styles, snappy sentences I wanted placed, and my dose of informality as a person.

    I’ve been trying to curb it for at least a year now since I’ve noticed, but haven’t had any luck. I was going to start a little document of drabbles and try writing small things at a time, but I haven’t been able to follow through yet. My goal is to keep myself focused when writing, and eventually (hopefully), the drabbles will get longer and longer to the point where I can sustain my focus for chapters at a time. The way it is now, I can only seem to keep my attention straight for a few paragraphs at a time.


    Quote Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek View Post
    I saw something disconnected that I will show you now.



    No plurals ever use apostrophes; if the phrase, word or letter is particularly odd you can enclose it in quotation marks, but this is not the case here so you can do away with that apostrophe.
    Thanks – I’ll fix it in a moment here along with a few other things. Thank you very much for the in-depth review.

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