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Thread: Jublife academy

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    The mothership
    Posts
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    Default Jublife academy

    Jublife academy multi shipping
    Rating pg-13
    Intro
    The jublife city academy school has sent out invites some of the best trainers in world the to join the school however they have to pass an exam to prove they are worthy
    Eight friends Drew thorn, May maple, Ash ketchum, Misty waterflower, Dawn hikari Paul shinji, Richard moon and Mary crescent all have received invites to join but they lots of other also look for a place. After an hour and a half flight and surf on pokemon (Ash was his chaizard Paul was on his skarmory Drew was on his flygon and Richard chose to ride with his salamence. The girl’s rode on Mary’s lapras) to jublife city pass the exam
    Chapter 1 elimination test gengar vs. mismagius part 1
    Note: I am not good at shippy stuff so if you have any idea’s pm me Richard and Mary my characters Richard is based on me. I do have a version of Brock in this he not in this there is a twist about the said playboy
    Jublife city hotel 7:30am

    Our story begins in a group of changing rooms where four
    girls came out dressed in all in different colored dress May’s was vivid green Dawn’s was violet Misty’s was royal blue and Mary’s was coral red “how long are they going to be” May's voice questioned angrily. “I don’t know” Dawn
    “look here they come now” said misty “what are they wearing” said Mary the other two turned around and saw four boy’s dressed in sir Aaron outfit all different colored Ash’s was blue Drew’s was green Paul’s was purple and Richard’s was red “oh look it’s the legend of aura the four staff’s” Dawn chorused “shut up dawn” Paul scowling “you look beautiful misty” Ash said holding misty hand and getting down on one knee looking into her cerulean blue eye’s “why thank you ash” Misty said blushing
    “When you two love birds are finish can we go now” said Richard this won him a whack on the head from Misty’s hammer “are you girl’s ready” Drew said “yes” may said “ok let’s go before Richard hurt’s himself again” said Paul s******ing and then the eight friend left the changing rooms. They arrived at reception desk of the hotel when “hey where’s pikachu” Richard asked ash looking around. “I don’t know” ash relied just then they saw a yellow burl running out of the kitchen. The burl stopped as it saw the group it was pokemon it had short, yellow fur with brown stripes on its back, black-tipped ears, along with an unusually shaped tail, resembling a lightning bolt. Carrying a bottle of ketchup like it was in love. “Talk of the devil” Paul a said smirking pikachu then jumped on ash drinking the ketchup they then walked out door’s in to the city.
    Outside jublife academy
    A big of crowd was gathering outside the academy just as the group arrived a man in a blue suit said “welcome everyone the jublife academy elimination test is double battle only sixteen trainers can win from both block A and block B and here are the trainers in block A

    Block A

    Ash from Pallet town vs. Jackson from New bark town
    Misty from Cerulean city vs. marina from New bark town
    Drew from Blackthorn city vs. Jimmy from New bark town
    May from Petalburg city vs. Harley from Slatepot city
    Dawn from Twinleaf town vs. Kenny from Twinleaf town
    Paul from Veilstone city vs. Nando from Hearthome city
    Richard from Canalave city vs. Zoey from Jublife city
    Mary from Eterna city vs. Anabel from Saffron city
    I hope you enjoy it
    The shipping are
    Pokeshipping
    Contestshipping
    Ikarishipping
    Moonshipping (richardxmary)

    I would like to thank flygonrules and master in training for
    insring me
    please review
    spoiler
    "blastoise, gliscor go"ash said releasing a large bipedal blue tortoise with a brown shell and two water cannons that just out of the top of its shell. And a large, vampire bat-like Pokémon
    Jackson said "meganium, magnezone go" releasing a a sauropod-like Pokémon with two stem-like protrusions sprouting from the top of its nose. and a large pink flower with white tips. Around it’s neck.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    the eventless island
    Posts
    2,494

    Default

    Oh, I knew this looked familiar after seeing the title a couple of times. I remembered that I reviewed your last version of this.

    Honestly, I don't see a lot of change here. You put in a little more description but other than that, I can't spot anything else that improved. Like I said my last review, you have to space things out. Isn't it hard to read it like that when everything is cluttered together? It makes your writing look extremely messy. I don't think you paid attention when I addressed that in complete depth in my last review.

    Your chapter is still too short. Perhaps if you spaced it out like I told you, then it would be a little more suitable. Also, this has horrible grammar. when a character is speaking, you must put it in a new space, and give these guys emotion! I'll show you what I mean.

    “how long are they going to be” May's voice questioned angrily.
    Okay, that's how you first wrote it. Now, let's correct a few things here.

    How long are they going to be?” May's voice questioned angrily.
    See? Now we got ourselves a capital letter and a punctuation mark. Is it that difficult to do something simple like that? Put some effort in here! There's a ton of run-on sentences and all sorts of mistakes. I barely saw any of the advice I gave you on this rewrite. I'm not bashing you or anything, I'm telling you exactly what's wrong and how to improve.

    Now, if you're really having trouble, then observe how other authors write. I'm not saying to copy their work but just look at the format other authors here make. Ask others for helpful reviews. If you want to improve further, I highly suggest reading this. It'll help you out with the basics. Just remember that practice makes perfect.

    Good luck, and I hope to see some more improvement!
    For those who'd like to keep in contact, you know where to find me. ♥

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    The mothership
    Posts
    1,210

    Default

    i knew i should have added a batte sence
    if you can list the mistakes i will correct them ok

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