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Thread: Divine Intervention - [PG-13]

  1. #26
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    Oh, OK! That's sui generis (word I learned at school, I'm proud f myself for being able to remember it. It means unique). I actually like Lupe and Lucy better. I like Pokemon more than humans (wow that sounds odd). I'm just weird, though, so others may not have gotten that idea.
    If you think the world should be a better place for everyone put this in you sig. (started by Mewmie the shiny Mew)
    [IMG]http://i35.*******.com/20rjyvk.jpg[/IMG] thx to Pokemon4eva for the amazing pic of me, the Mew, and Skyler, the Absol and my mate. You're great!!
    I AM OBSESSED WITH HARRY POTTER AND POKEMON AND DEATH NOTE AND PROUD OF IT!!!!

  2. #27
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    Oh Sh- She's back.

    Anyhow, enjoyed Lupe and Lucy getting some development in this chapter. The two make a great pair. Especially with how Lupe "questions" his choice of and need of a partner. But as he found out, he needs Lucy there to help him!

    Just one thing that I noticed. When Lupe went to lift Lucy into the vent, his arm didn't bother him. Sure, it wasn't bleeding anymore, but it would still hurt. And I figured that his arm still hurt when the two were trekking home, since he had to use his "good" arm to carry Lucy. So how come lifting a Weavile didn't affect his arm?

    Other than that, a good chapter as always, Gummy.

  3. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hanako Tabris View Post
    Oh Sh- She's back.

    Anyhow, enjoyed Lupe and Lucy getting some development in this chapter. The two make a great pair. Especially with how Lupe "questions" his choice of and need of a partner. But as he found out, he needs Lucy there to help him!

    Just one thing that I noticed. When Lupe went to lift Lucy into the vent, his arm didn't bother him. Sure, it wasn't bleeding anymore, but it would still hurt. And I figured that his arm still hurt when the two were trekking home, since he had to use his "good" arm to carry Lucy. So how come lifting a Weavile didn't affect his arm?

    Other than that, a good chapter as always, Gummy.
    I think it's time to turn notifications on. I didn't even notice you reviewed, Hanako (hope you don't mind me calling you this, btw). I'm glad you liked the character development and I hoped to get some done on other charcters with this upcoming chapter. And about Lupe lifting up Lucy... uh, magic? XD How do you guys catch this kind of stuff? I guess I need to proofread more. Well, see you next time.

    EDIT: almost forgot, I made a small change to the prologue. Like duncan had suggested before, I changed the time period between the plague and present day from decades to centuries. This won't have much effect on the storyline but it does explain why the world is once again populated with humans.
    Last edited by Glajummy; 10th May 2008 at 10:24 PM.

  4. #29
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    Mmm, I like the plot. Its really interesting and you have a good writing style I can enjoy. While its nice and all there is room for improvment. Mainly my issues rely in some of the ways you've chosen to develope the characters.

    Ezkial - Nice name by the way. One of my favs. I had no idea he was going to become a main character when this story started, which was good in a way, surprsied me. But the way he became a rebel? Not very impacting, we had no idea how or why he was working for the order nor any history of his father and the like, thus the whole being killed by the order thing kinda had little to no impact on me. I was more thinking it was a fake to trick him by the rebels then it really being true.

    I felt no connection between Ezkial and his father, you needed to develope that bond somehow, perhaps have him look at a picture of his dad or to think about it, or have it be a rather recent advent he was still recovering from. We need to know how he felt about his father and how that later on affects everything when he finds out the truth. I felt no emotional grab about it, nor have we really develeoped any sort of bond for this character, he was there, he interacted and I was expecting him to just die off as a random npc. He could have been a lot more explored so that his joining the rebels became more importent? Unless I am looking to deep and he really is a random character not meant to be focused on.


    My fav character has to be Lupe.

    Lucario is an awesome pokemon, one of my fav. I enjoy his personality and look forward to seeing his reasons for hating his own 'gods' as well as his originality. An angry determined overly ****** off willing to kill humans Lucario? awesome.

    I liked Lucy a lot too, somehow the moment you said her name in chapter one, I knew she was a Weavile, it was weird it just made sense? I want to see more of her and hopefully see her develope a little more.


    I think you do have a set plot and you know where you are going, so keep on chugging, think about your characters a little more and how to connect them to the readers.

    I wouldn't mind being pmed when this updates.
    Nearly eight years ago, I met Yami Ryu on this forum. She was a flamer and angry, but yet we became the best of friends.
    It was in December of 2011 that she found out she had cancer.
    It was January 9th when she passed away.
    A connection I made eight years ago on this forum passed away, alone, unloved by most, her own father probably didn't care.
    I love you, Yami Ryu, you are my best friend and I miss you so freakin much.

  5. #30
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    So far, everyone who has said that they like Ezekiel's name has misspelled it. XD

    Thanks for the compliments on the plot, I've been planning it out for a couple months now. On the comments about Ezekiel, I'm still on the fence about him. If there was ever such a thing as a sub-main character, he'll definitely be it. His point in my fic is to show how much the Order has brainwashed its people into thinking that they were making the world a better place. And since I was planning to put a little focus on Ezekiel, I guess it would be best to expand on his character a lot more.

    I'm glad you like Lupe and Lucy because they were pretty fun to write about. I can promise you this much: you'll be seeing a lot of them and Lupe's past will eventually be revealed.

    I wasn't really thinking about starting up a PM List but now that you've brought it up, I guess now is the best time. Nice to have you on board, and thanks for reviewing so quickly.
    love me, hate me ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬&

  6. #31
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    I hate how people do review lists and take months to review. My idea is to try to take them as fast as I can so that people will want me to review more and more.

    Yeah I knew I misspelled his name, I was jsut to lazy to look up the real name.
    Yeah well if you do decide to make him more importent to the plot, as he is an interesting character, it will be interesting to see what he can do for the rebels, as he seems like a nerd in a way, or well someone with little training for such things the rebels do, but instead is going to be in the research field, which at first seems boring but with being under loop[edit: wtf Lupe* loop? 8D], the two could have a fun contrast, especially cuz Lupe all ready doesn't like him.

    Is it bad of me to go LupexLucy so soon? I dun know its like the first thing that popped into my mind 8D in truth I had always paired my own Lucario with Weavile.

    Anyway, yes, I would like to be pmed.
    Last edited by Lady Myuu; 12th May 2008 at 4:29 AM.
    Nearly eight years ago, I met Yami Ryu on this forum. She was a flamer and angry, but yet we became the best of friends.
    It was in December of 2011 that she found out she had cancer.
    It was January 9th when she passed away.
    A connection I made eight years ago on this forum passed away, alone, unloved by most, her own father probably didn't care.
    I love you, Yami Ryu, you are my best friend and I miss you so freakin much.

  7. #32
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    *Runs in and trips over stool*

    Ouch...heh. Sorry it tooks so long for me to get here. I started reading not long after you PM'd me, but I got kicked off the Internet before I could finish and I forgot to read since.

    Anyways, this is a very interesting story. The idea of involving religion in a story, even one that isn't real, is a touchy subject for some people, but I really don't mind. The Prologue really generated a great bit of interest when I first read it, and the first chapter really got me hooked. Lupe's got a very nasty sense of humor doesn't he? Chapter 2 was really good, in my opinion, although I admit laughing when we first met Lucy. So far, besides what other people have pointed out, I haven't seen much to complain about.

    So far, all things considered, I give this 4.5 out of 5. Very interesting story, but still there are errors that the others already pointed out. I'll definitely keep reading.

    Now being reposted!


  8. #33
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    It's been a while. How're you doing? Remember me from way-back-when-where? Probably not.

    Anyway, your writing has greatly improved since I last read it before. Good job there. You also have a very interesting and original plot that got me hooked instantly.

    Characterization is also very good. Lupes personality is very intriguing, as well as his past, and Lucy is also turning into an awsome character, even though it is so early in the story.

    There were some mistakes I noticed, but I'm sure they have been picked up already by other readers, so I'll spare you of that.

    Apparantly, my reviews are still ridiculously short...XD

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  9. #34
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    What the- I had reviews? Sorry for not noticing this earlier guys. Usually I comment on the reviews more thoroughly, but I'm just really anxious to post this chapter. So thanks a bunch for reading and hopefully you still enjoy the story after this one month wait!


    Chapter Four: Fall From Innocence



    Ezekiel sat motionless in a wooden chair, staring at the ceiling above him. He was at his childhood home; a brick, one-story, white house— nothing special. The room he was seated in was nearly empty, as if someone was moving in— or out. Across the room stood a muscular man, his face crowded with healing scars and un-kept hair. He dragged two black suitcases against the aging wooden floor, creating the irritating sound of the metal rolling against the grain.

    “Ezekiel, are you honestly going to watch me leave without saying a word? Your own father?” pondered the man, mainly to himself rather than the young adult seated nearby.

    Still, Ezekiel looked at his father and gave his reply. “Don’t you dare question my morals. I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun in Johto.”

    “You just don’t understand, do you? The Order obviously has a tight grip on you, but I don’t know how I allowed that to happen. I’m doing this for the better.”

    “Why don’t you tell that to Mom next time you see her?”

    “I’m sorry, I’m not quite ready to die yet,” he said bitterly. “I’m sorry for what happened to your mother, and it plagues me every day, but I’m doing this so it doesn’t happen to you too. They can’t get to me in Johto, and with me out of the picture they won’t come after you. Especially now that you got that new job. And—”

    “I didn’t ask for your protection! I didn’t ask for any of this, and neither did Mom! You constantly running from place to place isn’t helping anyone and if Mom noticed that earlier, maybe...”

    “Your mother married me knowing how I felt about the Order. Then when you were born, everything got out of hand and before I knew it, the Order had pulled her back in and learned of our pasts. She probably turns in her grave every time you blame me for her death.”

    Ezekiel’s eyes filled with liquid as tears began their trek down his cheek. Slowly, he rose from his seat and walked toward the door, never taking his eyes off of the floor. Without hesitation, he reached out for the knob, twisted it, and pushed the door open.

    “That is the LAST time you talk about Mom in such a way! I don’t know why I allowed such a heartless man in the home that she paid for and passed down to me, but now I’m going to fix that. Out, now.” As he lifted his glasses to wipe his eyes of the tears, a rugged hand lifted up his chin, and he stood face to face with his father.

    A smirk appeared on the man’s face as he stared at what looked like to be a younger version of himself. It astounded him as to how Ezekiel could hate him so much and even more than that, not understand his cause.

    “Son, you have no idea how much the two of us are alike.”

    And then he left, never to be seen again.



    **********


    Ezekiel jerked up from his bed drenched in sweat. The cold liquid ran slyly down his torso, causing his shirt to stick to his chest. His heart felt as if it would suddenly burst out of his body at the rate it was pumping and due to his racing mind, Ezekiel was unable to control it. It was the third time that night he had woken up from the same dream— nightmare— and it became clear that he was not getting any sleep that night.

    Why do I remember that day so clearly? he thought to himself as he retrieved his glasses from a nearby desk. The gloomy surroundings were by no means making the situation any better.

    He and his father had never shared what most would call a normal ‘father-son’ relationship, especially after his mother had died. Now his father had passed on too, and it was affecting him in a way that he never would have imagined all those years ago. And after that rebellious decision he had made only hours earlier, he was beginning to wonder if those final words his father left with him were true.

    “I always accused that man of being a hypocrite, but just look at me now.” Ezekiel rarely addressed his father as ‘father’ or ‘dad.’

    His field of vision subconsciously fell upon the desk where his glasses were, and a small shudder ran down his spine as he spotted that dreaded envelope. Slowly, he reached out for it and placed it on his lap. His sweat-drenched hands shook in anxiety as they pulled the document out of the envelope and brought it to reading level. He examined every single word, letter and punctuation point, not sure of what he was looking for but positive that he’d know when he found it.

    H. Peign.

    That was the last thing written on the page, the indubitable signature of lord Peign. Ezekiel’s eyes rested upon that particular part of the document the longest. He had seen the same signature so many times before to the point that he could tell the difference from the real thing and a Smeargle’s forgery.

    This was, without a doubt, authentic.

    With the Order’s hold on him severely damaged, Ezekiel began to see the flaws in the religion. How strict the laws truly were, the various limitations of their so called ‘free speech,’ and the fact that only seven copies of the Order’s sacred text— the Arcanus Manifesto— were ever printed and can only be interpreted by the Sacred Seven themselves. Even so, a small part of him still sided with the Order, and before he knew it an internal war was raging inside of his brain. And when you’re used to accepting everything your superiors say without question, thinking this hard was a serious strain.

    “They’re back! Lupe and Lucy are back!”

    The cry was faint, probably only heard by those with good ears. All thoughts immediately left Ezekiel’s head. Ivan had assured him that Lupe rarely failed in his missions, so their arrival meant only one thing: they had retrieved the CD.

    Without a second to spare, Ezekiel threw the covers to the ground, slid into his shoes, and without even tying his laces, rushed out of the room. As he traversed down the narrow hallway, he heard others stirring in their beds from the recent news.

    Although it had been his second time there, the grand hall still amazed Ezekiel with its immense size and multitude of residents. Of course, at this late hour it was much emptier, but more and more people were pouring into the hall to verify the news. Forcing his way through a densely packed crowd, Ezekiel managed to reach the heart of the attraction.

    And there they were, Lupe and Lucy back from their mission. Lupe wore an exasperated expression as he hunched over with Lucy on his back. She looked to be sleeping, but her breathing was highly irregular and her usually black forehead had turned a vibrant red. A few bystanders chuckled at the sight of a Pokemon who made a name for himself as a real tough guy to be carrying the Weavile, but all jokes were put aside when Lucy’s condition became an imminent concern.

    A couple of muscular men— probably former sailors— came to the Pokemon’s aid and carried her off into some unknown direction. With the strain on his back relieved, Lupe straightened up and walked toward the crowd. As if being approached by a divine entity, the crowd split in a wave like pattern as the Lucario walked past. Fellow rebels congratulated him and some tried to pat him on the back, only to stop short at the deep gash in his shoulder. However, Ezekiel’s attention was captivated by what was in the Pokemon’s hand— a single CD.

    Suddenly, Lupe dropped the CD and fell to his knees. His facial expression showed that he was in great pain, but when others tried to help, he gave them a threatening glare. If there was one thing that would never change about Lupe, it was his stubbornness. Still, Ezekiel took this moment as the perfect time to approach.

    “Uh, Lupe, are you—.”

    “<You’re still here?>” he asked, although his tone was more mocking than surprised.

    Ezekiel decided to let the comment slide. “You’re obviously hurt. Why don’t you get some help and I’ll bring the CD to Ivan.” Ezekiel tried to sound as concerned as possible. He could only hope his performance was convincing.

    Upon his request to finish Lupe’s mission for him, the hall became filled with gasps and comments like “who does this guy think he is?” and “newbies gotta learn the hard way.” He honestly had no idea what everyone was babbling about, but he started to get an idea when Lupe got to his feet and looked Ezekiel dead in the eye.

    The hall fell into an eerie silence.

    “<I’ve never met a human with such a thick skull before. I don’t like to repeat myself, so listen carefully: I don’t want any help, nor do I need it.>” Believing the conversation to be over, the Lucario swiftly turned around.

    “Then why did you let Lucy go with you?” Many eyes widened at the follow up question.

    Lupe turned around again, this time stepping right up to Ezekiel. “<It was a direct order from Ivan and you know that.>”

    “I don’t recall him saying you had to carry her on your back.”

    Whispers traveled across the spectators at the statement. Ezekiel was only guessing that Lupe didn’t care much for any previous partners he might have had, but the young challenger hit the jackpot.

    “<So what are you getting at? Team mates help—>” It was then that Lupe understood Ezekiel’s point, and the two shared a grin that puzzled everyone else.

    “<You’ve got balls, I’ll give you that much. If Ivan needs me, tell him I’m in the Health Ward.>” And with that, the Lucario thrust the CD hard into Ezekiel’s stomach, just enough to cause the human to bend over with his head right next to Lupe’s mouth. “<But I advise not to try something like that again,>” he added in a whisper before walking in the same direction that Lucy was carried off into.

    All eyes fell on Ezekiel as he rubbed his stomach with one hand and held the CD tightly in the other. As the crowd slowly dispersed, some were still mesmerized by what they just witnessed. It was a rare event to see someone rise up to Lupe in such a way and walk away with all their teeth intact. And if that wasn’t enough, this guy had been part of the Force for less than a day!

    Ezekiel simply ignored the commentary as he made his way for Ivan’s office. It amazed him at how perfectly his plan played out, and now that he possessed the CD, he could truly test his loyalty to the rebellion. As he contemplated the events that were about to come to past, he barely noticed the boy walking beside him.

    “That was some nice work back there,” the boy remarked, breaking Ezekiel’s train of thought.

    “Huh? Oh, um... thanks?” Ezekiel looked over to his companion and was shocked to see how young the boy was. His long, skinny arms and pimply face showed he wasn’t a day over sixteen. His wardrobe complimented that fact, with his black, ripped jeans held way below his waistline and his stained (probably purposely) T-shirt.

    “What are you staring at?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

    “Oh, sorry about that. I didn’t think anyone so young would be part of the rebellion.” The boy simply smirked at the statement and moved on ahead. Although he was ahead of Ezekiel, the suspicious teenager seemed to be going in the same direction and even stopped infront of Ivan’s door.

    “Think you can walk any faster?” he called, before pushing through the doors.

    What’s going on? Ezekiel thought to himself. I didn’t see him in the crowd, how does he know I’m headed to Ivan? After shaking off the uneasy feeling, an anxious Ezekiel gripped the CD tightly and entered the room.

    As expected, it hadn’t changed at all since Ezekiel had last been there. Ivan was still seated at his desk engrossed in his laptop, and the teen looked on from behind him, still wearing his smirk. Ezekiel stood there for a few seconds, trying to decide if he should wait for Ivan to acknowledge him or speak up.

    As he opened his mouth to make himself known, Ivan suddenly lifted himself up from his seat and began walking around the desk.

    “I have to admit, I was beginning to doubt you were going to get Lupe to give you the CD,” the old man said to Ezekiel, although if you followed the path of his eyes, you’d think he was talking to the CD.

    “H-how did you even know I was going to try to get it?”

    “What can I say?” Ivan began with a grin. “You’re predictable. I could tell you were just caught up in the moment when you decided to join the cause. So I ask you again, have you come to a decision?” The rebel leader held out his hand. Ezekiel didn’t have to speak; handing over the CD would be enough. With a shaky arm, he held out the CD.

    This was it. This would prove his loyalty to the rebellion. All he had to do was hand over the disk.

    Ivan’s wrinkly hand tugged on the CD, but Ezekiel’s hand had held it in place. He had made his choice. Ivan tried again, but the object didn’t budge. The on-looking boy’s smirk immediately disappeared.

    Slowly, Ivan retracted his hand and looked into Ezekiel’s eyes. In truth, the young man didn’t know what was going to happen when Ivan tried to take the CD. He let his subconscious choose his path.

    “I see,” Ivan said after a long period of silence. “Is there any way I can change your mind?”

    “I’m sorry Ivan... According to you, the Order has fed me lies all my life, but how do I know you’re not doing the same?” Ezekiel replied softly enough so the boy wouldn’t hear.

    Ivan’s smile returned. “How far have you traveled from Arcanum?”

    The odd question caught Ezekiel off guard, but he still answered. “Not much farther than Viridian, but what does that—”

    “Dexter, come here please,” Ivan ordered, and the boy came around the desk. “If you saw, firsthand, the horrors that plague this world, would that change your mind?” Ivan asked.

    “Um... I guess so, but what are you getting at?”

    “I’m going to have Dexter show you the living style of those that live outside of Arcanum’s vicinity.”

    Ezekiel looked over at Dexter. A teenager was going to show him the ‘horrors that plague this world?’

    Before Ezekiel had a change to object, the teenage stepped between him and Ivan, fashioning a smirk even bigger than his previous one. Without warning, his body began to glow a spectacular white, similar to light given off during Pokemon evolution. His tall, slinky figure rapidly shrunk to a mere foot above ground, and his shape became so irregular to the point where he looked like a gelatinous mess. Eventually the light subsided, and Dexter’s body took on a pink hue.

    “A— a Ditto!” Ezekiel shouted in amazement.

    “Yes, Dexter here is quite skilled in transforming into humans,” Ivan said with pride. “He’ll transform into a flying Pokemon of his choice and gladly show you what lies beyond Arcanum.”

    “<Yes sir!>” Dexter agreed, this time in a squeaky voice. Once again his body became engulfed in a brilliant light and took on a new shape. As he grew back to his human height, wings formed along his sides and his head grew outward. His skin tone became a grayish-purple, and his transformation was complete.

    “<This should be big enough for you.>” His voice changed once again, this time much deeper to suit his Aerodactyl body.

    “I’ll never get used to that,” Ivan said from behind the ancient bird. “See you soon,” he added before turning around and moving back to his desk. Ezekiel tried to follow him but Dexter blocked his path.

    “<Oh no, you’re coming with me. We should leave before sunrise.>” The large reptilian-bird insisted before nudging Ezekiel out of the room with his snout. However, the young male was able to get a peek at Ivan before the doors shut. He was seated at his desk, buried in his work as usual. Was he really that sure that this little trip would change Ezekiel’s mind?


    **********

    “Where are we going?” Ezekiel demanded as he followed Dexter, who had to fly close to the ceiling due to his size. He came to realize that he still wasn’t respected as a newcomer since he practically had to dodge around people just to keep pace.

    “<Calm down, we’re here,>” Dexter finally said before stopping at what looked to be a dead end.

    “You’ve got... to be... kidding me,” Ezekiel said as he tried to catch his breath.

    “<Why don’t you try looking up?>”

    To the human’s surprise, there was gaping hole above them. The fresh air from the outside world encircled Ezekiel, bringing a smile to his face.

    It triggered a feeling inside Ezekiel’s body. A giddy feeling, the kind a child would get when they were allowed to play at the park. It was a feeling that he wouldn’t dare share with the surrounding rebels.

    So far, the base had been like a prison, and this felt like freedom.

    “<Smile while you can, because you won’t be doing much of it later. Now get on my back and hold tight.>” Ezekiel didn’t bother to argue and wrapped his around arm Dexter’s neck and boarded the Aerodactyl.

    Slowly, Dexter outstretched his immense wings and rose at a steady pace. The first thing to catch Ezekiel’s attention was the sun as it slowly began to rise behind Arcanum. The towering skyscrapers glinted in the orange light, temporarily blinding anyone foolish enough to look directly at them. Lucky for Ezekiel, he averted his eyes to the suburbs just fast enough to avoid the worst of the glare. The suburbs looked like a blemish on the hand that was Arcanum, with its poorly built buildings and dangerous streets.

    “Is that what you want to show me? So what, not everyone is rich enough to live in the city. Every great civilization had some sort of class system,” he pointed out as-a-matter-of-factly. Dexter replied with a snort and rose higher into the sky. The hole below them closed like a gate and within seconds, the only indication that anything existed in this desolate land was a red dot where the hole once was— a marker to indicate where to land.

    “<Hold your Ponytas, I’m taking you far away from here.>” Before Ezekiel could let out another word, the anxious Aerodactyl quickly turned around and darted to the west, toward Johto.

    The amount of wind rushing into Ezekiel’s face impaired his breathing ability, and talking was out of the question. He turned his eyes toward the ground and saw they were already traveling across the body of water that separated the two regions. Centuries ago, he would have seen Trainers riding on sailboats— and even Pokemon— to transfer to the next region. In modern times, human interference was nearly nonexistent in the area.

    "<We're nearing the shoreline,>" Dexter squawked, slowing down significantly and decreasing their altitude. Little did Ezekiel know, they were in Order territory now.

    With the shoreline in sight, Ezekiel looked ahead, expecting to see some teenagers having the time of their lives on the beach. Instead, hundreds of Krabby walked along the sand without a care in the world. As the pair passed over the mass gathering, all eyes fell upon the human soaring through the sky. Their stares startled him. It was the kind of stare given to something you hadn’t seen in a very long time.

    The image of their beady, little eyes peering into his very soul was permanently implanted into his memory, but still wasn’t enough to change his mind. However, as Dexter gained momentum, Ezekiel realized that there was still more to see.

    The ancient bird finally began to slow down as they approached what looked like a town— or the remnants of one at least. Being sure to keep their distance, they finally came to a complete stop, but still close enough for Ezekiel to clearly see the atrocities taking place.

    Atrocities no man his age should witness. Or any age, for that matter.

    Men, women, and children of all sizes were gathered around the center of the wrecked town, all wearing filthy rags. A large, tin water tank was placed in the center as well, surrounded by a dozen men that looked as if they had just walked off the battlefield. A few of them scanned the crowd thoroughly, their guns pointed at anyone in their way, no matter what age or gender. The image of a large eye with a sword in the iris was imprinted on their black uniforms.

    Ezekiel’s heart jumped a beat as he recognized the image. It was the most common symbol for the Order.

    The people formed a rough line and Ezekiel noticed that many carried large buckets with them. A soldier standing in front of the tank took each bucket, filled it with water, and returned it to its owner and the line moved on.

    The more he looked at the miserable townspeople, the less sane Ezekiel became. He took one last look of the emotionless faces of the soldiers and finally grasped the kind of world he lived in. He found himself taking back the comment he made earlier about the Rebel base. This world was the true prison, and that small, underground organization was the closest thing to freedom.

    “We’ve got a runner!” cried one of the guardsmen near the edge of the town. A young boy, not a day over thirteen, was running into the tall grass with all his might.

    “About time, I haven’t had any target practice in a while!” replied a nearby man. Ezekiel knew what he was implying, but didn’t want to believe it. Unfortunately, the evidence became clear as the combatant raised his firearm and aimed at the escapee. Without any signs of a human conscious, he pulled the trigger, and the boy fell almost instantaneously.

    Had Ezekiel eaten anything earlier, it would have surely been vomited up after witnessing the heartless act. He could take no more of this.

    Ezekiel mouth opened to scream, but all that came out was a mere whimper. Streams of sweat literally trickled down his spine and his body shook so violently he nearly fell from Dexter’s back.

    “You’ve made your point, take me back,” he whispered, finally regaining his ability to speak. Without arguing, Dexter rose to a higher elevation and headed back to the base.

    “Did you see that?” asked one of the guards on the ground as he stared at the spot where the rebels had just been observing from.

    “What are you talking about?” asked the one who had shot the boy. There wasn’t a hint of remorse in his voice.

    “Eh... nevermind, it must have been my imagination.”


    **********


    After arriving at the base, Dexter and Ezekiel split up. Neither spoke a single word during the flight and didn’t even exchange good byes. As much as he tried to forget about it, the horrific images from earlier constantly played in his head. That was all the convincing he needed. He laughed whenever his father cursed the Order, but now... now he sided with the man. The Order must be stopped.

    Before he knew it, he stood in front of Ivan’s door, his hand already reaching for the knob.

    “<I’ve been looking for you,>” called a familiar voice from behind. Lupe suddenly walked to beside Ezekiel and locked eyes with the human.

    “<Slow down!>” cried another recognizable voice. Lucy and Dexter (in his human form) joined the two in front the door. Although they didn’t seem to be running, the petite Weavile was panting very hard.

    “You should have stayed with the nurses, Lucy,” said Dexter worriedly.

    “<Gimme a break, I’ve dealt with worse poison before. I once beat a Grimer so badly some of his sludge flew into my mouth. Talk about—>”

    “<AHEM!>” Lupe interrupted, wanting to get back to the point and unwilling to hear the rest of Lucy’s story. “<Can you explain why you still have the CD that I gave to you hours ago?>”

    “I’m handing in the CD right now, for your information. I just needed a little... convincing.” He directed the last part toward Dexter, who nodded in recognition. The four rebels remained silent until Lupe spoke again.

    “<In the future, learn to trust Ivan’s word. I doubt what you’ve seen today is half as bad as things we’ve all witnessed.>” In his usual manner, he left before Ezekiel could reply.

    “<I think he likes you,>” Lucy quickly stated before darting off to Lupe’s side like a loyal dog. Dexter didn’t bother with any words and just patted Ezekiel on the shoulder and left.

    Alone again, Ezekiel turned the doorknob and entered the room. By the looks of things, Ivan hadn’t moved an inch since he was last here.

    “I heard voices outside the door. Is something wrong?” questioned the geezer.

    “No, just a chat with Lupe, Lucy and Dexter.”

    “Nice to see you four are getting along, as you will be seeing a lot more of the each other in the future. But let’s get to the main reason why you’re here.” Ivan lifted himself from his seat and approached, holding his hand out in the same manner as before. Ezekiel did the same, and when Ivan pulled on the CD, it slid effortlessly out of his hand. A smile appeared on the faces of both men, and Ivan suddenly grabbed his hand again, this time for a handshake.

    “Glad to have you with us. I hope the things you saw weren’t too severe.”

    “They were... unexpected. But I guess I might have to learn to get used to it,” Ezekiel replied, thinking on Lupe’s most recent words.

    “Well, I have lots of work to do now with this in my possession. Why don’t you get something to eat, you must be starving.”

    “I’ll go do that...” Ezekiel turned around to leave but stopped in front of the door. “Ivan, did you know my father?” he unexpectedly asked.

    Ivan gave a shallow sigh. “Sorry to disappoint you, but no. As you know, he traveled to Johto and may have even been part of the larger rebellion. If it helps, I think your father would be very proud of you right now.”

    The young man nearly fell over when he heard that, but quickly recovered. “I think he would... we were so much alike, after all.”

    Without another word, Ezekiel dismissed himself from the leader’s presence, but walked past the bar and its many beverages and meals. With the images of the day’s events playing in his mind like a feature film, there was no way he was going to be able to eat. He knew it would be the last night memories of father appeared in his dreams, as a whole new assortment of nightmares was lined up to take their place.


    ***** End of Chapter Four *****


    Beta'd by diamonpearl876

    So, was it worth the wait? Didn't think so, but at least it's up, right? And I got an awesome new banner to celebrate the new release!
    Last edited by Glajummy; 11th July 2008 at 1:33 AM.
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  10. #35
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    I actually quite like this chapter. I love how you put Ezekiel still having doubts and have him slowly transition him to finally deciding to join the rebellion.

    Also, quite like the beginning, how Ezekiel and his father have a strained relationship. I wish though it was flesh out more though, moreso on how the Order got his mother back in their religion.

    Lastly, I thought it's interesting how the Order is taking control of the people's lives, though like Lupe, probably it's worse than what Ezekiel saw, huh?

    Again, despite not much happening, I still like this chapter a lot. Ezekiel is developed a bit and also we know a bit more of the Order. I'll end this review with this quote:

    “<I think he likes you,>” Lucy quickly stated before darting off to Lupe’s side like a loyal dog. Dexter didn’t bother with any words and just patted Ezekiel on the shoulder and left.
    Good ol' Lucy. XD


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  11. #36
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    Thanks Bay, I was worried that this chapter wouldn't quite live up to it's potential. I was thinking about exploring his relationship with his mother more, but seeing as his father was assassinated by the Order, I thought he'd be the better candidate for a flashback. And I also had to clear up why Ezekiel was as sad as a normal person would be to find out his father was killed by his leaders. As for the Order, I've got many more surprises left in store, with hints of them placed in this chapter.
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  12. #37
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    Wow. It's just- just so horrible! I felt just like Ezekiel did and I still feel a little queasy. This is why I hate humans, they're so ruthless and cruel, heartless. It may not have actually happened, but things like that hae happened. Maybe you described it a little too well. The chapter was very well done, as always. No mistakes this time.
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  13. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mewmie the shiny Mew View Post
    Wow. It's just- just so horrible! I felt just like Ezekiel did and I still feel a little queasy. This is why I hate humans, they're so ruthless and cruel, heartless. It may not have actually happened, but things like that hae happened. Maybe you described it a little too well. The chapter was very well done, as always. No mistakes this time.
    *backs away slowly* XD

    To tell you the truth, when I read the beginning, I thought you were referring to the chapter O_o. But you clarified things in the end, and I'm glad you you liked the chapter. I actually got that entire scene from research I did on genocide in Rwanda for a project when I was still in school. Of course I wouldn't say the Order is committing genocide but whatever they're doing, it's a crime against humanity.
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  14. #39
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    Yeah, I'm with Bay. Nice job, here. The scene with the people was very nicely done indeed. No idea about how they got there (well...maybe just a small one), though.

    “<Oh no, you’re coming with me. We should leave before sunrise.>” The large reptilian-bird insisted before nudging Ezekiel out of the room with his snout. However, the young male was able to get a peak at Ivan before the doors shut. He was seated at his desk, buried in his work as usual. Was he really that sure that this little trip would change Ezekiel’s mind?
    This is less of a mistake, but his would have worked better here IMO, as it was somewhat from Ezekiel's POV.

    Besides that, though, it was interesting to see Lupe's reaction to Ezekiel. And the flashback sequence at the beginning was nice as it have us some more info on his past.

    I guess that's about it, so good job (and really cool banner).

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    I agree with duncan, who agreed with Bay. This was a good chapter. It was certainly interesting that Ezekiel was still doubting joining the rebellion. The scene involving the people getting water reminds me somewhat of Schindler's List. I liked the little scene where Dexter turns out to be a Ditto. It helped lighten things up a little bit before the true horror was revealed. The little flashback invokes questions about Ezekiel's past, but I'll leave it to you to get to that later on.

    Once again, good chapter overall.

    Now being reposted!


  16. #41
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    duncan: I'm glad you all liked it, but I don't get what you meant by not knowing how the people got there. Incase anyone was wondering, that little town is the remnants of New Bark Town, although I doubt you can still call it "new". And as always your short reviews are appreciated.

    PokemonHero: Nice to see you back in this thread and that you're still interested in this story. Never heard about this Schindler's List but I'd like to see how similar my scene is to the book's. Also, I probably won't be revisiting Ezekiel's past fr some time but don't lose interest in it, as some things will serve a purpose in future chapters (way in the future).
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  17. #42
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    Cool LEt's go... One full review special!

    GRAMMAR:

    Whether it was that his eyesight was hindered
    slowly choking the hostage
    stopped in front of Ivan’s door.
    the young male was able to get a peek at Ivan
    “Eh... never mind, it must have been my imagination.”
    Phew... that took quite a lot of scrutiny on my part to get this many. And that’s a good thing. Your main problem seems to be with homonyms (words that sound the same but are spelt differently.

    Your Rank: A+


    CAST:

    Ezekiel: Ezekiel comes across as a guy who’s had to question his entire life’s beliefs and reach a persona-changing decision in a day. It seems a little incredible to me that he would defect so easily, despite what he was shown. Unless he was experiencing severe doubts for some time, I find it a little less than credible that he’d change his mind so easily.

    Lupe: The hardcore de facto leader of the rebellion makes me smile and reminds me a little of what Zen of my fic was meant to look like. Rash, stubborn and independent, he takes everything upon his own shoulders. He was a pleasure to read, and his efforts to maintain his well-built image are humourous. With Lucy, he’s a class act. Alone, he’s the ice-cold king of cool.


    Ivan: The wise old leader of the Rebellion faction comes across as a Splinter-like character: one who knows the flaws of his students/followers and though may disagree will do his best to nurture them in the best way possible. Definitely pleased with how you portray the dude.

    Lucy: Lucy, I found out, makes for a bratty (pre-)teen younger sister figure for Lupe, no matter how much he’d loathe admitting it. Spunky, yet reasonably skilled, her forte seems to be thinking outside the box, yet still thinking rather than rushing in impulsively like Lupe. With Lupe, she’s like Lavender is to Anuvi, except Anuvi isn’t as cold as Lupe.

    Dexter: The Ditto seems a little too good at transforming. According to canon, Ditto transform bet when they are faced with the subject of their imitation. When transforming from memory, they tend to make flawed doppelgangers. You could use this factor to give Dexter a slightly lighter attitude.

    All in all, a well-versed, balanced serving of characters. However, my scrutiny and rep as a fair judge leads me to land you... with another A.

    DESCRIPTION:

    Another phew. This was done extremely well. You almost had me worried when Lucy charged the Gengar, I thought she’d lost it. Good going there; you’ve achieved great levels of description perfection. Making your reader live the scenarios rather than watch them is a great feat and merits another A.

    PLOT:

    Once more another unique prospect. Rather exciting thus far, stuff of this calibur can only get better. So it’d better.

    A.

    LENGTH:

    Good and involving. I’m so glad at how people are getting the right lengths of their works which can convey the right images to mind in rich detail. What can I say? I’m gettin’ too soft. Another A.

    OVERALL:


    Seriously, if this gets better, you’ll be giving writers like Pkmn Breeder Jack and EM1 a run for their money. I dunno what hiatus did to you, but I’m sorely tempted to do the same!

    L@er!
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  18. #43
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    Okay, since I'm a terrible reviewer (and a closet reader. XP) and I couldn't possibly top Air Dragon's pwntastic review, I will try and keep this brief. Lucy is awesomeness in a Weaville-sized package. I would love to meet her if she was real, so kudos on her character. The description is also sensually good, and it's good to see you've put a good leash on mistakes - it's always good to keep those strapped down. There are some things you could work more on, like a firmer control of commas, but I won't dwell on those because I don't want to bore you even more. XP Besides, this is a good fic, and all I'll say is keep working on it.

    Wow, I really am bumping this like hell. But meh, I felt like I had to review after being a closetter for so long. XP Keep it up, Glajummy.

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  19. #44
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    If a Mod wants to close this for bumping, please don't. I'll fully plan on finishing this story.

    Thank you for both your reviews, Air Dragon (who I though I replied to earlier, but never really checked if SPPf ate up my post or not) and Draco Malfoy. I've always thought I overdid it when it came to commas but no one ever commented on it before. I'll be sure to keep that in mind. I'd like to say the chapter will be here soon, but I don't want to get any hopes up. But it will come, you can be sure of that.
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