Results 1 to 13 of 13

Thread: League Of Masters: Exodus

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Starfleet Academy
    Posts
    124

    Default League Of Masters: Exodus

    Hello, everyone. Welcome to the final chapters of the League of Masters series. Thanks to everyone for helping me improve over the course of the years. So I hope you enjoy the final story. For this one, I wanted to go back to the Colosseum/XD story line and fill in some blanks. Blanks like why MirorB. joined Cipher and why the Colosseum admins weren't really in charge.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    League of Masters:
    Exodus

    3 years ago, Wes brought down the Gateon Port’s Phantom Menace.7 years before that, Wes fought to free all the Pokémon who had their hearts artificially closed by Cipher and Team Snagem, resulting in the creation of Shadow Pokémon. Now, Wes must face the evil of Cipher again in one last stand against the evil shadow Pokčmon and try to save Lugia from its confinement in the gale of darkness…

    Chapter 1: Wedding Day

    It is a happy day for Wes and Yuki. Last year, Wes proposed to Yuki after she took the Sinnoh region’s contest circuit by storm. They planned the wedding to be set in the Agate Village, on the cliff, overlooking the sea.

    “Do you, Wes Kiato, take Yuki Um to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Eagun said. Eagun’s Pikachu stood close by, dressed in a tuxedo, it was the ringbearer. “Uh, Pikachu, may I have the rings?” Eagun whispered.

    “Ka-chu.” The Pokémon chattered and handed the rings to Eagun. Wes took one and placed it on Yuki’s finger.

    “I do.” He said. Eagun smiled and turned to Yuki.

    “Do you, Yuki Um, take Wes Kiato to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Yuki smiled at Eagun, she was tearing up.

    “I do.” She said, taking the last ring and placing on Wes’ finger. Eagun was tearing up too. He knew when he gave that masterball to Wes, that he was the one.

    “Then, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.” Eagun said. As Wes pulled up Yuki’s veil, evil showed it ugly head once again. A big, black helicopter flew over and hovered above the wedding party. A rope flew down to the ground and with it, a man with a very long, zig-zag moustache. Pikachu bulked up and its red cheeks started to spark.

    “So beautiful,” the man said, “congrats, Wes.” Wes’ heart jumped as the man stepped forward. Gonzap extended a hand. “Go on, shake it. No hard feelings, right?” Then, Wes punched square in the face. The guests gasped. “Oh, too bad. Well, to show my respect, I brought you guys a little present. Wes, you might like this one, besides you helped create it.” Gonzap brought out a little remote of sorts and pushed a red button. The water below the cliff started to bubble and make big waves as the Shadow Beast rose from the depths. It’s massive physique cast a huge, looming shadow over the pavilion. Many guest got up and ran. Wes’ eyes widened as his horrible nightmares came to life, right before his eyes.

    “Why are you doing this Gonzap?” Wes asked. Gonzap just smiled his crooked, evil smile.

    “Because, I want to show you what a great job you did. 10 years Wes. I’ve been in jail for 5 of those, along with the rest of Snagem and Cipher! So, the guys thought that it would be a good time for you to pay for what you did to the old hideout.” Gonzap pushed another button on the remote and the Shadow Lugia responded. It took in a deep breath and exhaled a Hyper Beam. It destroyed nearly everything. Eagun and Belauh looked on in horror as guests ran for their lives. Gonzap just laughed and laughed. Wes stormed toward him and kicked him in the nuts. Gonzap fell to the ground and Wes picked up the controller. He pushed some buttons, but nothing stopped Lugia. Finally Wes just threw the device to the ground and stomped it. The beast stopped using hyper beam and shook its head. Wes looked up into its eyes and it looked back. Then it flew off, the helicopter in pursuit. Gonzap grabbed hold of the rope.

    “This isn’t over Wes! Cipher is getting stronger! We’ll be back!” And he was gone like the wind. Wes just knelt down and started to cry. Yuki came beside him to comfort him. It was going to be a long honeymoon.
    Last edited by BrawlMaster; 12th April 2008 at 4:32 PM.
    My Wii number is 6786 1375 9601 4528
    Chapter 7 is up NOW! Read League of Masters: Exodus Part 1! Follow: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=312065
    optables.php?act=rarecandy&id=120259 Click here to feed me a rare candy.Get your own Pokeplushie at: http://www.pokeplushies.com

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    From the land down under...
    Posts
    7,009

    Default

    I got your PM when you sent it - just didn't have the time then to review...

    Anyway, interesting that there's another story in this series now. Time to review it then, right? *cracks knuckles*

    Interesting events - and the marrage between Wes and Yuki, which I think probably won over any RuixWes shipping fans. The showing up of Gonzap was interesting as well, and I shall be interested to see your views on Colo and XD from this, as you can probably guess. Not a bad prologue in terms of events, and a good set-up for future chapters.

    Eagun’s Pikachu stood close by, dressed in a tuxedo, it was the ringbearer.
    Probably a tad too much in that sentence IMO - parts of it could be expanded upon in separate sentences. Minor however.

    “Ka-chu,the Pokémon chattered and handed the rings to Eagun. Wes took one and placed it on Yuki’s finger.

    “I do,he said. Eagun smiled and turned to Yuki.
    If the second sentence flows on and can be joined with the dialogue as one sentence, treat it so, and us a comma and don't capitlise. This occurs a few more times as well (e.g. Yuki saing 'I do'.
    He knew when he gave that masterball to Wes, that he was the one.
    Methinks Masterball might have to be capitlised?

    As Wes pulled up Yuki’s veil, evil showed it ugly head once again. A big, black helicopter flew over and hovered above the wedding party.
    That gave away the surprise factor in Gonzap's appearance a tad - and really didn't seem all that nesserary. Also, I had actually been confused and thought that something had happened to Yuki's head and that Cipher had made her Shadow (pulled the veil, ugly head... there be the connection). Which probably didn't help... although think about that concept is a bit unnerving.
    The whole appearence could have been done a bit more subtly as well IMO - with a bit of the 'telling not showing' thing around...
    Many guests got up and ran.
    Gonzap pushed another button on the remote and the Shadow Lugia responded. It took in a deep breath and exhaled a Hyper Beam. It destroyed nearly everything.
    Wes stormed toward him and kicked him in the nuts. (ouch? Poor Gonzap...) Gonzap fell to the ground and Wes picked up the controller. He pushed some buttons, but nothing stopped Lugia. Finally Wes just threw the device to the ground and stomped it.
    Here is too much of the 'telling not showing' - one event given out right after the other. It's like a list than a story - as the structure is 'This happened. Than that happened. Than something else happened' - etc. Also, the sentences are too similar in length, making it feel even more like a list, albielt a more detailed one.
    Change up the length of sentences, and try to use more description in showing us, rather than telling. Such as 'it destroyed nearly everything' - that's rather bland and board. What was destroyed, any fire, and people killed, what did the Hyper Beam attack itself look like, etc. Expand on such things.

    Also - at one point, Hyper Beam wasn't capitlised.

    Not bad overall, but needs some work here and there. Still, the plot still seems good thus far, and am looking forward to it.

    BTW - If you update this over the next week, there's little chance I will be able to review until afterwards - shall be on holidays, limited access. Just so you know.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

    The BBS Forums! Join in!
    Gain achievements for activity on forums & the games!

    Tied to this Pokemon Magazine! Looking for contributors - check it out!
    Why should you? Well, Wynaut?
    Current article: Fan Art Reviews: toufu's Manga! Check out neat art of Golduck and Shinx, among others!
    Avatar by minty-fivestar on DA, with edited background/cropping. Fic banner by cieux.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Starfleet Academy
    Posts
    124

    Default

    Chapter 2: The Plan of the Century

    Cipher’s new hideout was a very elaborate one. Nestled deep in a forest in the Sinnoh region, it stood tall and was gleaming from the sun hitting it directly. Constructed from a Titanium Alloy and some other types of metal, Cipher is able to pass it off as a satellite dish of sorts. Inside, there are rows and rows of computers, monitors and other electronics. Down in the basement, Cipher’s head of Science, Ein, conducts experiments and research on a new kind of Shadow Pokémon formula, a stronger and more powerful formula. As soon as Cipher had learned of the Sinnoh region, they started to research the Pokčmon that lived there. Gonzap and Ein sat down together to discuss Dialga, master of Time and Palkia, Master of Space. Ein expressed his desire to change the Shadow Pokémon formula. Gonzap thought it was a good idea; he wanted to be invincible this time around.

    “Gonzap, I need a special machine for this new formula. I’m going to need your Snag Machine.” Ein said.

    “Ein, I told you before, I don’t have it. When that jackass blew up my hideout, he stole that machine. I haven’t seen it since.” Gonzap explained. Ein wasn’t taking it.

    “Well, I need you to conjure up another one, right away. If this is going to work, I’m going to need that Snag Machine.” Ein looked at Gonzap expectantly.

    “Who do you think I am, freakin’ Harry Potter! I don’t ‘conjure’ things up. I go and build them. So, I’ll have the boys make another one. You’ll have it by tomorrow.” Gonzap said and walked off. Ein smiled, his plan was coming together just nicely.

    Wes and Yuki traveled to the Pyrite Town to meet up with an old friend of Wes’. A young boy around the age of 20 approached Wes and Yuki rather strangely. He wore a pair of green goggles on his for head, a jacket, smudged with automobile oil and matching pants. He was the rogue trainer, Cail, he used to work with Wes during his days with Snagem.

    “Wes! Long time no see. What’s up?” Cail said, giving Wes a high five. Wes hit the boys hand.

    “Well, first off, I just got married to this beautiful young woman. And secondly, I need your help.” Wes told Cail the story about how he failed to beat Gonzap and how Team Snagem closed Lugia’s heart. He then explained the whole wedding crashing thing.
    “Man, that’s tough.”Cail said. “I think you should talk to Sherles about this. But, then again.” Cail pointed toward the police station. Officer Sherles was being pushed around by a bigger man, Duking. Duking was like the mayor of Pyrite. He took care of the Colosseum, the Power plant and for now, Miror B’s old hideout. Wes walked over to the arguing men. The sight of him made the two stop.

    “Wes, nice to see you! I heard you got married, congrats!”Duking said. He had pinned Sherles on the ground, with his fist cocked, ready to punch the living daylights out of Sherles.

    “Sherles, Duking, why are you two fighting?” Wes asked, expectantly. “You two are grown men for goodness sake and here you are tussling and fighting right in the middle of town.” Duking got up off of Sherles. Sherles brushed himself off and cleared his throat.

    “Wes, Duking and I were fighting because I cheated at a game of Canasta. I set the deck up in my favor. Then, I had betted him that I would win and I did but, Duking didn’t want to pay.” Sherles looked down and then tried to pull off the puppy dog eyes move. Wes didn’t fall for it.

    “Sherles, why would you need to cheat at Canasta in the first place?” Wes asked. Sherles started to answer but didn’t. “Didn’t think so. Now, there is something very important I want to discuss with you both.”

    Gonzap and two Cipher Peons exited the elevator on the “basement” level. Gonzap keyed in a passcode on a vault door. The vault was a maximum security custom made vault. Only Gonzap and Snattle had access to the contents. The two Peons were holding a case labeled “DO NOT TOUCH OR ELSE!”; they were struggling to hold it cause it was so heavy.

    “What is in this thing, Gonzap?” One of the Peons asked. Gonzap turned and looked at the Peon crossly.

    “That’s for me to know and for you to find out.” He patted the Peon on the head and went back to opening the vault. “Now I have to start all over because of your stupid question.” The vault was very picky about how you entered the passcode. If you took longer than a second to put in each number, the system would cancel out the values you entered and you would have to start over.

    The vault door opened with a loud “clang”. When the lights came on, they revealed the contents of the vault, rows and rows of Pokčballs and among them, viles of a Violet colored liquid. Each vile was labeled with a barcode and a series of letters and numbers. Gonzap picked up an Ultraball from the top shelf.

    “Okay you two, open the case.” The Peons dropped the case and popped the lock. The case sprung open, releasing Carbon Dioxide. Gonzap smiled as the sinister contents were brought up from the darkness. “It’s the plan of the century!” Gonzap laughed.
    My Wii number is 6786 1375 9601 4528
    Chapter 7 is up NOW! Read League of Masters: Exodus Part 1! Follow: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=312065
    optables.php?act=rarecandy&id=120259 Click here to feed me a rare candy.Get your own Pokeplushie at: http://www.pokeplushies.com

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    From the land down under...
    Posts
    7,009

    Default

    Ok, I'm back now. Overall, more plot development here to see - am a bit surprised to see Ein is still around, and working with Gonzap - do have to say the whole Team Snagem and Cipher relationship is around, considering the divide in XD...

    A bit more description could have been used, and less of the 'this happened, that happened' feel as well. The opening paragraph felt a bit like a list there, only a detailed one as the sentences were practically the same length, giving the 'this happened that happened' feel. Mix it up more, add more description to some sentences to extend them, etc.

    Scene shifts were a bit uncomfortable - jumped from Gonzap/Ein to Wes to Gonzap again. Suggest a space or a divider between such scene shifts (line break, or something...) - otherwise it's too sudden.

    Gonzap and Ein sat down together to discuss Dialga, master of Time and Palkia, Master of Space.
    How come Dialga 'master of Time' tag didn't have the m or master capilised like Palkia's? Be consistant in these.
    “Gonzap, I need a special machine for this new formula. I’m going to need your Snag Machine,” Ein said.

    “Ein, I told you before, I don’t have it. When that jackass blew up my hideout, he stole that machine. I haven’t seen it since,” Gonzap explained. Ein wasn’t taking it.
    Commas here when the next sentence links in and can be joined with the spoken part as one sentences. This was done again once or twice more as well...
    “Who do you think I am, freakin’ Harry Potter!
    Methinks that sounds like a retorical question rather than a statement, so preferably a ? over a !... still amusing.
    Wes and Yuki traveled to the Pyrite Town to meet up with an old friend of Wes.
    Unnesserary '.
    “DO NOT TOUCH OR ELSE!”;
    Don't use quotation marks for signs such as these.

    Did think the Sherles and Duking 'fight'; a bit... weird as well, and a tad unnesserary, but whatever - bit odd that Duking Sherles pinned down Sherles... and Sherles doesn't quite strike me as the one to use the puppy dog look.

    Well, fix those mistakes, try to change the sentence lengths up a bit, and keep it up!

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

    The BBS Forums! Join in!
    Gain achievements for activity on forums & the games!

    Tied to this Pokemon Magazine! Looking for contributors - check it out!
    Why should you? Well, Wynaut?
    Current article: Fan Art Reviews: toufu's Manga! Check out neat art of Golduck and Shinx, among others!
    Avatar by minty-fivestar on DA, with edited background/cropping. Fic banner by cieux.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Starfleet Academy
    Posts
    124

    Default

    Gosh, I don't know what's going on with my writing in this story. It seems a bit bland, the whole plot but, I think things will start to shape up. FYI, the next chapter will be the last for a while as Chapter 5 isn't complete and I have alot of stuff coming up such a the MD Film Festival I'll be volunteering at and I've got HSA's and Finals. Don't expect another chapter until the end of May or the begining of June. Alright without further adieu.....
    Chapter 3: Counter

    Wes, Duking and Sherles sat down in Duking’s office. Wes told them about Gonzap crashing his wedding and how he brought uninvited guests. Duking took serious notes and Sherles shearched for Gonzap in the Pyrite PD Mainframe Database.

    “Well, he didn’t escape from jail, that’s for sure.” Sherles said. “Apparently, after they let him out on bail, he had good behavior so they let him go home. It says the same thing for the rest of the Cipher crew too.” Sherles said.
    “The only way to beat Gonzap is to open Lugia’s heart again. The only way you can do that is by snagging it.” Duking looked over by his book shelf. Wes followed his gaze.

    “You thinking what I’m thinking?” Wes asked. Duking just smiled and pushed a button under his desk. The book shelf moved to the side, revealing a secret passageway. Duking, Wes and Sherles went down the corridor into Duking’s secret lab. Wes immediately recognized the mini snag machine he stole from Gonzap just before blowing up the old Snagem hideout.

    “You think it’ll still work after all these years? I mean Shadow Lugia is pretty powerful.” Wes said.

    “Don’t worry, Wes. While you were gone, I modified it a bit, just in case you ever returned. It is powerful enough to snag about ten Pokčmon at the same time.” Duking said, handing the machine to Wes. Wes slipped his arm into the holster and fired the machine up.

    “I think I’ll be able to get Lugia this time. Wes said. He followed the other two men down the corridor. He was near the threshold when the book shelf came down and he ran right into it.

    “Owwww!” He yelled. Duking stopped walking.

    “Sherles, did you hear something?”

    “Yeah, it sounded like a faint, ‘ow’. Did you hear it Wes? “ Just then, the book shelf came up and a delirious Wes stumbled into the room.

    “Of course I heard it. I was one who said it!” Wes walked into the room rubbing his nose. Sherles couldn’t help but snicker. “That’s not funny Sherles!” Wes snapped.

    “You’re right, you’re right. Sorry.” Sherles walked out of the office and across the street to the police station. Wes and Duking continued to discuss how they were going to get Lugia from Cipher.

    “First off, we have to find them. I doubt they’ll still be operating the Relgam Tower Colosseum.” Duking started to scratch his head. “I think they left Orre.”

    “Well, where else could they go?” Wes asked. He then noticed a map on Duking’s wall. It was a map of the world. “There are only 4 other places they could’ve gone. There’s Kanto, Hoenn, Johto and the Gateon Port just South of here.” Dking started to fumble around in his desk.

    “Apparently, there is a new region West of Hoenn. It’s called Sinnoh. A lot of trainers started heading over there. There are lots of new Pokčmon over there too. I was reading about two special Pokčmon that control Space and Time. If I could find the article I could tell you their names.” Duking continued to search while Wes thought about what Cipher would do with two Pokčmon that powerful.

    “Duking, do you when the next boat to the Sinnoh region leaves?” Wes checked the time.

    “Um, yeah. The next boat leaves tomorrow at Noon, and I have a surprise for you!” Duking got up and pulled a ship captain’s hat onto his head. “I’m the ship’s captain!” Wes turned around and cheered sarcastically.
    “Good for you, Duking. I need a favor,” Wes looked at Duking who happened to sweating, “,I need to know who is running Miror B’s old hideout?” Duking scratched his head.

    “Wes, Miror B is running his hideout. It appears that he quit Cipher along time ago. When he came back here, I thought he was up to his old shenanigans. Oh, he said if you ever came back, he wanted to see you. I was going to mention that to you but, since you didn’t mention Miror B, I thought I would just keep it to myself.” Duking sat in his chair and started pulling through the draws again.

    “Duking, I’m going to see Miror B now. You just call me when you find that paper.” Wes walked out the door. Miror B’s place wasn’t in shambles like Wes thought it would be. It has been 10 years since Wes’ first crusade against Cipher. Miror B’s had plenty of time to redecorate.

    Wes approached the rusty metal door of the building. There was a picture of Miror B and one of his Ludicolo dancing at a disco on the door. A panel slid open, which startled Wes.

    “Colo? Ludicolo.” A Pokčmon said from behind the door. Wes noticed a pair of beady eyes staring at him through the panel.

    “I’m here to see Miror B. Is he here?” Wes smiled at the Ludicolo. It seemed to smile back and then released a hydro pump attack, right at Wes’ face. Just before he passed out, Wes heard a familiar voice scold the water type.

    Wes came to as a cool compress was laid onto his forehead. He felt like he had just been run over by a team of Rhydon. There was a scent of French Vanilla tea in the air. Wes opened his eyes and looked around. The lights were a bit dim and there were a lot of pictures and posters of Ludicolo on the walls. In fact, there were a lot of Ludicolo sitting around him lightly tapping drums and shaking maracas. Over one side of the room there was a person preparing the tea. This person wore a gold sequined leisure suit, it closely resembled Miror B’s old outfit. They also wore their hair not in an afro, but slicked back and they wore a pair of big, dark red lens sunglasses. On the other side of the room, there was a trophy case and numerous awards and medals on the wall, from dance contests.

    “Ah, you’re awake!” Miror B said. “I was starting to get worried, you hungry? I made some blueberry muffins and some tea.” Wes was feeling a bit uncomfortable. Why wasn’t Miror B angry at him?
    My Wii number is 6786 1375 9601 4528
    Chapter 7 is up NOW! Read League of Masters: Exodus Part 1! Follow: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=312065
    optables.php?act=rarecandy&id=120259 Click here to feed me a rare candy.Get your own Pokeplushie at: http://www.pokeplushies.com

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    From the land down under...
    Posts
    7,009

    Default

    Interesting turns there... not too bad a chapter. A little bit of the similar sentence length and some mistakes as well however...

    “Well, he didn’t escape from jail, that’s for sure,” Sherles said. “Apparently, after they let him out on bail, he had good behavior so they let him go home. It says the same thing for the rest of the Cipher crew too,” Sherles said.
    First the commas over the full stops...
    Secondly - I question how Gonzap and Cipher were released. On bail? For torturing Shadow Pokemon, taking over Pyrite, amognst other things, because they had good behaviour? That itself I can't believe, nor that anyone doesn't react to this either...
    “You think it’ll still work after all these years? I mean, Shadow Lugia is pretty powerful,” Wes said.
    Besides the other comma, I also suggest the one after 'mean', so it sounds more like it's being said out loud.
    “I think I’ll be able to get Lugia this time," Wes said. He followed the other two men down the corridor. He was near the threshold when the book shelf came down and he ran right into it.

    “Owwww!” He yelled. Duking stopped walking.

    “Sherles, did you hear something?”

    “Yeah, it sounded like a faint, ‘ow’. Did you hear it Wes? Just then, the book shelf came up and a delirious Wes stumbled into the room.
    Missing quotation mark where the comma should be this time, and a space that shouldn't be there before the second bolded quotation mark. On the plus side - yay for slapstick.
    “There are only 4 other places they could’ve gone. There’s Kanto, Hoenn, Johto and the Gateon Port just South of here.” Dking started to fumble around in his desk.
    It's normally better to write out numbers less than 100 (e.g. four over 4), don't capitlise directions (they aren't proper nouns), and you mispelt Duking...
    “Apparently, there is a new region West of Hoenn. It’s called Sinnoh. A lot of trainers started heading over there. There are lots of new Pokčmon over there too. I was reading about two special Pokčmon that control Space and Time. If I could find the article I could tell you their names.”
    Sinnoh now? Ok then... you capitlised west here - no need to, and I disagree with the statement that 'Sinnoh' is new - logically it would have always been there, and the Gym structure and cities already estblished there support this as well... so I wouldn't say it's new (maybe have that the map only had those places, and that Orre's education funding only allowed for schools to teach kids about a few regions, linking with the bad maps used... - though that's a bti elaborate, and the comedic side of me there - anything else shoulkd work, merely a suggestion and a another way to keep like like that without getting rid of information).
    Anyways... the italiced sentences seem a bit random - all of a sudden Shjerles talks about legendary Pokemon, yet I don't see what this has to do with Snagem or Cipher...
    “Duking, do you know when the next boat to the Sinnoh region leaves?”

    “Um, yeah. The next boat leaves tomorrow at noon, and I have a surprise for you!”
    Missing 'know', and noon also goes without the capital. Duking 'not telling Wes about Miror B' story doesn't quite work with me - doesn't really sound like what someone would do... eh.
    ,I need to know who is running Miror B’s old hideout?”
    Unnesserary. But, YAY MIROR B!!!
    Wes walked out the door. Miror B’s place wasn’t in shambles like Wes thought it would be. It has been 10 years since Wes’ first crusade against Cipher. Miror B’s had plenty of time to redecorate.
    He got to the hideout really fast there - like it was accross the road of something. Also, the number thing I mentioned before.
    I do question Wes thinking it would be in shadows as well - doesn't he know Miror B well enough that he lives in style?
    Wes came to as a cool compress was laid onto his forehead. He felt like he had just been run over by a team of Rhydon. There was a scent of French Vanilla tea in the air. Wes opened his eyes and looked around. The lights were a bit dim and there were a lot of pictures and posters of Ludicolo on the walls. In fact, there were a lot of Ludicolo sitting around him lightly tapping drums and shaking maracas. Over one side of the room there was a person preparing the tea. This person wore a gold sequined leisure suit, it closely resembled Miror B’s old outfit. He also wore their hair not in an afro, but slicked back and they wore a pair of big, dark red lens sunglasses. On the other side of the room, there was a trophy case and numerous awards and medals on the wall, from dance contests.
    Awesome description there. Maybe the sentence length is a tad too similar, but I really liked it. Although, not sure what to make of Miror B without an afro...
    Conpress means squeeze or pack together, doesn't quite fit in... and He over They (one person).
    “Ah, you’re awake!” Miror B said. “I was starting to get worried, you hungry? I made some blueberry muffins and some tea.”
    Ha. :0 Nice end to the chapter.

    Not too bad, but there were a few things which I question, and a number of mistakes... try to proofread a bit more.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

    The BBS Forums! Join in!
    Gain achievements for activity on forums & the games!

    Tied to this Pokemon Magazine! Looking for contributors - check it out!
    Why should you? Well, Wynaut?
    Current article: Fan Art Reviews: toufu's Manga! Check out neat art of Golduck and Shinx, among others!
    Avatar by minty-fivestar on DA, with edited background/cropping. Fic banner by cieux.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    2,493

    Default

    Cipher coming back and they still have shadow Lugia. Did you factor xd into this at all? Wes getting married and then Gonzap shows up to cause trouble. No description of what Wes and Miror b talked about. Its quite good but it could be better

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    From the land down under...
    Posts
    7,009

    Default

    Cipher coming back and they still have shadow Lugia. Did you factor xd into this at all?
    I might as well point out that he actually wrote some prequels to this story, which also involved Shadow Lugia NOT being defeated in the events of XD. In other words, it's his own twist on the games, and he is now continuing on what he has changed. Probably helps know about such things, and as you didn't, you can't be blamed for raising that question.

    I'll support the sudden jump from Miror B to... a ship being a bit hasty - maybe you wanted to conceal the contents of that meeting for later chapters, but it didn't quite work for me - he basically seemed forgotten from all mention, not even a thought about him from Wes mentioned. If you meant this to be revelaed later, at least have a few mentions of it so it doesn't feel like it had never happened. (Plus, a tad disappointed that Miror B didn't appear again, but that's becuase he's one of my favourite characters).

    This did feel a bit lacking, this chapter, with too many sudden events lacking description - again, the show don't tell thing.
    The 3 birds started to fly toward Sinnoh, Fire, Ice, and electricity never blended so well.
    Three over 3 (numbers under a hundred should be written out), and the second sentence to me seemed to suggest that they didn't blend well in fact initially, althugh it turned out that it did, maybe some rewording there would help.

    The next morning, the boat sailed into port at Twin Leaf town docks. Wes, Duking and Yuki checked into a nearby, 5-star hotel.
    Way too quick, there. The arrived, and then teleported to the hotel or something? And more description of the hotel itself would have been nice... don't tell us that it was a 5-sar hotel, but why it was so, what made it look so. You did this to a degree, but more would have been better.
    “Wow, this place is really nice,” Wes said.
    McComma in these situations! Try to look and use the right type of punctuation for each piece of dialogue - if there is a part following on from the spoken sentence, which doesn't sound like a sparate sentence, treat the two as one sentence, and use a comma.
    They’ve made some very innovative technological advancements such as Global Trading facilities and they have Wi-fi hotspots for wireless battling,” Duking explained, reading a visitor’s guide.
    See, here, 'Duking explained' continues off from what he said, and it links who did what with the action. E.g.' The letter was delievered by the postman.' - rather than 'The letter was delievered. By the postman.' Feels clunky, and the same for cases with dialogue. If it flows on, use a comma, and treat the two as one sentence.
    Still, liked the reference to Wi-Fi there.
    Wes and yuki stared in awe.
    Did Yuki no longer exist as a proper noun?
    “ Yes mommy. I love you too.
    Unnecessary space between the quotation mark and 'Yes'. Also - use the scene separaters! Use something so we know that now you've changed to a different time sequence, or that someone else is talking elsewhere. Gets confusing otherwise, and hurts the joke of Snattle being Snattle.
    “There are Pokčmon that won’t accept the formula?”
    “May, it’s so good to see you. What are you doing here in Sinnoh.” Yuki said,
    Again, should be a comma, but reading what is being said, feels more like a question to me, so put a question mark there.
    “Seriously, even I don’t get that excited over gadgets.” Wes said, shaking his head and tisking Duking.
    Comma...
    “Boys,” Yuki said and she rolled her eyes
    Comma...
    Just then, there was an explosion inside the Pokčmon Center.
    Comma... wait, WHAT? A bit of a FTW moment there, as it really was a bit too sudden and all. It just... exploded? Just didn't like the delivery there, TBH.
    “She reminds me of someone, someone very annoying.” Wes said,
    Comma.

    It was ok, but I feel it could have been much better. Also there were some rather odd moments - the ship broke down, due to a Electrode suddenly using explosion. Which lead to the relevation that Micheal had given Duking the three birds. Overall, it didn't seem to be point from that all - I question why there was an Electrode there left to its own devices, and why it had decided to make itself faint, and why Articuno and co are now in Duking's possession as well, who doesn't really act as how I viewed his character...

    In short - needs more description, and more showing instead of telling. Some less 'random' events occurring as I didn't see much point from them, and fix those mistakes with the commas and all. Frankly it was ok, but a bit worse then before, and I think you could do better then that...

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

    The BBS Forums! Join in!
    Gain achievements for activity on forums & the games!

    Tied to this Pokemon Magazine! Looking for contributors - check it out!
    Why should you? Well, Wynaut?
    Current article: Fan Art Reviews: toufu's Manga! Check out neat art of Golduck and Shinx, among others!
    Avatar by minty-fivestar on DA, with edited background/cropping. Fic banner by cieux.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Starfleet Academy
    Posts
    124

    Default

    Sorry Peoples, I made a mistake. I forgot to post chapter 4 before chapter 5. I've deleted chapter 5 and I will post it again tomorrow. If you would like to delete the comments you left to chapter 5 you may. I would appreciate it if you did. Thank you and sorry for the inconvience.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Chapter 4: The Psychedelic Redemption


    Miror B came over to Wes and handed him a plate with a Ludicolo shaped muffin. He then handed him a steaming cup of tea.

    “Careful,” Miror B smiled, “its hot.” Wes set the plate and cup down next to him. He wanted to ask so many questions but, he was too confused and nervous. He didn’t want to get off on the wrong foot with Miror B again. Then Miror B asked him: “Wes, you look like you’re pondering a question. If its about me, go ahead and ask, I’ll gladly answer it the best I can.”

    “Okay. First, why did you leave Cipher?” Wes picked up the cup; he could sense a long story coming on. Miror B drew in a deep breath and sighed. The Ludicolo stopped drumming and shaking their maracas.

    “Well, about 3 years ago, Ein proposed this idea to make the shadow Pokčmon stronger. Of course Gonzap liked the idea and Dakim agreed. Venus wasn’t too sure about the whole thing and so she decided that she wasn’t going to be a part of that project. I didn’t like the project at all and when I expressed my feelings, Gonzap just laughed and insulted my Ludicolo’s dancing. I taught my Ludicolo how to dance and when someone insults one of my Ludicolo, they insult me. So, after Gonzap made fun of Ludicolo, I said, that I was leaving Cipher for good.” Wes was stunned. Why would someone give up those great benefitsand leave just because your coworkers don’t like you’re dancing style?

    “Okay, next question. Who created XD001?” Miror B smiled and sat back in his chair.

    “That would be Snattle, the new Chief Exec of Cipher. After you defeated Nascour at Relgam Tower, Evice fired him and when you defeated Evice, Greevil, the true head of Cipher, fired him and replaced Nascour with Snattle. Greevil then took over the Lugia project and gave it to Snattle. Gonzap had his objections but, Greevil made him shut up. Gonzap is a sort of cry baby at times. Personally, I think he should shave the caterpillar off his face and get the Sentret from under his nose.” Wes once again was bewildered at the fact that there were more Cipher leaders than he originally had thought. He took a bite out of his muffin. It was pretty good; there was a hint of lemon in it.

    “So, you Cipher Administrators were just cover-ups for the real organization?” Wes was a bit confused.

    “No, no. We were the real administrators; it’s just that Evice wasn’t the true head of Cipher.” Wes took a drink of tea. It was still hot, he nearly burned his tongue. Miror B laughed, Wes shot him a look. “Those aren’t you’re only questions. I sense there is one that you really want to ask. You want to know why I left Cipher.” Wes suddenly got confused again.

    “No, I already asked you that. You said it was because Gonzap made fun of your Ludicolo.” Miror B sighed again. He ran his hand through his multicolored hair and took off his glasses.

    “Wes, what I told you wasn’t exactly true. Yeah he laughed at me and my Ludicolo but, the real reason I left was you. You see, when you defeated me, I had this revelation that there is more to life than Cipher and disco. It was a psychedelic revelation that made me quit Cipher and for all these years, I never knew that there were other Pokčmon besides Ludicolo. I didn’t know that there were other types of dance styles and music. But, the one thing I’m guilty of is that I knew about other kinds of clothing. I’ve worn the same leisure suit since 1970 and I don’t want to take it off.” Wes had a disgusted look on his face. He looked like he was sitting in a hot car and someone farted with the windows were rolled up. That’s how screwed up his face was. He cleared his throat and took another bite of the muffin. Miror B signaled to one of the many Ludicolo sitting around the table.

    “Go get me the copy of the new Ein files. I think he’ll want to see them.” Miror B whispered to the Pokčmon. Wes got up and looked at the trophies and medals.

    “You must have been pretty famous, Miror B. It looks like you were known pretty well all over.” Miror B walked over to Wes.

    “Yes, I was. Then, that got old and I had nothing to do. I was good friends with Evice and he told me about this organization he joined. The one you know to be Cipher. He said that he could get me a job and I was pretty desperate at the time, so I took him up on his offer. That’s how I became Cipher Administrator Miror B.” The Ludicolo came back into the room. It was carrying a big binder, with colorful tabs. “This is the new compilation of Ein’s research. I call it the ‘New Ein Files’.” Miror B thanked the Ludicolo, who happily trotted back to its friends. Wes took the binder and flipped through it.

    “Who’s that Pokčmon?” Wes said, unknowingly quoting a children’s TV show. “These are different plans for new Shadow Pokčmon!”

    “Well, that one is Darkrai, an event Pokčmon only obtainable through Gameshark™, Actionreplay™, or a Pokčmon event.” Miror B said. It was almost as if he didn’t have a choice. Wes just stared blankly at Miror B’s mouth. What did he just say?

    “Um, what’s an actionreplay? And what’s a Gameshark?” Wes was confused again. Miror B just shook his head as if he had just come out of a trance.

    “I have no idea what those things are and I don’t know what just came over me. I just had this strange vision of an alternate dimension where children play these devices called Nintendo® Game Boy™ and they play these games about Pokčmon.” Wes, once again, got confused. He nearly fainted.

    “I think I’m going to leave now Miror B. Thanks a lot.” Wes gathered his things and headed for the door.

    “You’re welcome. Please do come again and bring Yuki along the next time.” Miror B called after him. As soon as Wes was out the door, the Ludicolo took to shaking the maracas and beating the drums. Miror B flipped on his stereo and it blasted a Rumba rhythmic dance song. Miror B shook his groove thing all night long. “I surely do love this leisure suit.”
    My Wii number is 6786 1375 9601 4528
    Chapter 7 is up NOW! Read League of Masters: Exodus Part 1! Follow: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=312065
    optables.php?act=rarecandy&id=120259 Click here to feed me a rare candy.Get your own Pokeplushie at: http://www.pokeplushies.com

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Starfleet Academy
    Posts
    124

    Default

    For those of you who have been patiently awaiting the next chapters, they are on the way. I took a very long hiatus from writing altogether but now as I promised, Chapter 5 reposted and edited.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Chapter 5: The Yacht and the List

    The seas were calm as the S.S.Plusle sailed out of port. It promised to be a good day for sailing. The sun was high in the sky and the winds rolled off the waves as Duking set coordinates for Jubilife City in Sinnoh. Wes sat in the Captain’s quarters compiling a list of names and positons of Cipher members. The top of the list were the usual administrators: Ein, Venus, Dakim, Snattle, and Greevil. The other names weren’t important, as long as the peons didn’t get in his way. He also took into consideration the members of Team Snagem, especially Gonzap. Yuki lay on the bed, peering out of the porthole. A pair of Wingull flew by, one squawked and banked on a northern jetstream.

    “Wes, don’t you wish you could fly free like the birds?” Yuki asked. Wes turned to her and smiled.

    “Only in my dreams, Yuki. Only in my dreams.” Yuki peered out the window again. Wes went back to writing and then, a loud noise, like an explosion was heard.

    “Damn! Darn engine blew! Wes! I need some help up here!” Wes hurried up the stairs. Duking was opening the engine room door, as black, billowing smoke rose into the air. “This is odd. I just bought this boat not a month ago. It was brand new!”

    “Look, there’s your problem.” Wes pointed to what appeared to be a Pokčball, but it had eyes. “That Electrode used Self-destruct and blew up the engine. Now how are we supposed to get to Sinnoh? And how did that Electrode get in there in the first place?”

    “I guess I forgot about that it was down there. My kids brought it from the Orange Islands last week. And don’t worry about getting to Sinnoh, leave that to me.” Duking pulled out three Pokčballs: an Ultraball, a Netball, and a Repeatball. He threw them into the air. They burst open releasing three bird Pokčmon. These weren’t just any birds either, they were Moltres, Zapdos, and Articuno!

    “Hey, Duking, how’d you get those three?” Wes asked. Duking laughed.

    “Michael paid me a visit last year and dropped them off. I wasn’t sure what to do with ‘em so I decided I would use them to fight in the colosseum. Now I really have a use for them.” As the winds picked up, Wes and Duking tied ropes around the birds’ feet. The three birds started to fly toward Sinnoh, Fire, Ice, and electricity never blended so well. It was even more beautiful at night, Zapdos’ lightning bolts jumping off into the sea, Articuno’s ice shards and crystals, glistening in the lightning and Moltres’ flames kept the boat lit up and the sea ahead visible as the team sailed on.

    The next morning, the boat sailed into port at Twin Leaf town docks. Duking called for a cab from the Sinnoh Marina office. As soon as the car arrived, they sped off to check into a nearby, 5-star hotel.

    “Wow, this place is really nice,” Wes said. “Look! They’ve got a place for Pokčmon to hang out. I give it two thumbs up.”

    “The Sinnoh Region is a really nice place. They’ve made some very innovative technological advancements such as Global Trading facilities and they have Wi-fi hotspots for wireless battling.” Duking explained, reading a visitor’s guide. They group walked to a shaft where stairs should be.

    “Hey, where are the stairs? Wait,” Yuki pushed a button on the wall. “Look.” Yuki gasped as the stairs magically illuminated, one by one. “Too cool!”

    “Look, we have to hurry and get to our room cause our bus to the train station leaves in 15 minutes.” Duking said, tapping his watch. “That reminds me, while we’re here, we have to buy another Sinnoh technology, the Pokčtch. It’s a watch, GPS Navigational system, and many other things in one small device. It’s all the rave.” Wes and Yuki stared in awe.

    “Yes mommy. I love you too. Okay, bye bye.” Snattle put the phone on the hook and sat back in his chair. Things have been good for Cipher since that bumbling fool Evice has been fired. Cipher has a new face and things are looking good, that is if Gonzap and his team pull through with this new project. Cipher should be able to control the entire world in a matter of a week with the new Shadow formula. Of course, that’s what he said last year.

    “As soon as the new formula is ready, we will need to sweep the entire planet and collect the rest of the shadow Pokčmon out there.” Gonzap said, looking over his numbers. “If we can mobilize several divisions for each hemisphere, we can begin mass production in about a year.”

    “And how long would it take to bring in the rest of the shadow Pokčmon? What about the legendaries we got? What about the shadows that have been caught by trainers? Did you factor those into your report?” Snattle was nearly ready to kill the entire project.

    “Well, no. No I hadn’t. Infact, the report isn’t even complete yet. I have this list…”Snattle cut him off.

    “Wait, a list, a list of what?” Gonzap started to sweat.

    “A list of Pokčmon that aren’t able to tolerate the formula.” Snattle started to growl.

    “There are Pokčmon that won’t accept the formula?”

    “Yes. You see when we started creating shadow Pokčmon project back in Orre, there were a group of Zigzagoon, and they were just normal Zigzagoon. When we administered the formula, they turned into monsters. Since Zigzagoon are normal type, we tried the formula on several other normal type as well. The same results, so, I’m compiling a list of all the Sinnoh region normal types, their evolutions and I’m going out capturing one of each of these Pokčmon to test a lower power formula.” Gonzap pulled a sample of the list from his pocket. Snattle snatched it from his, giving Gonzap a paper cut.

    “Jeez, what the hell!?” Gonzap whined. Snattle frowned and read the list. “Snattle you *******!”

    “No Gonzap, you’re the *******. This is a menu for Ramen Amen! You dunce,” Snattle balled up the menu and threw it at Gonzap. “You go out and get me a Buneary. I want to see this for myself.”

    Back in the vault, Gonzap pulled the glass jar from the case. An odd colored egg was encased in ice in the glass; Gonzap smiled and placed it on a heating tray.

    “In a little while, that egg will be thawed out. As soon as it is, I want you to call me. If Snattle comes down here, you hide that thing.” Gonzap stormed off.

    “I wonder what this egg will turn out to be.” One of the peons said, rubbing his hands.

    “Don’t even think about it.” Gonzap said, as he strode into the elevator. “As soon as the egg hatches, I’ll be the most powerful admin of all! That baby Lugia will destroy Snattle and I will reign supreme.” Gonzap got a hungry look in his eye.

    The Pokčmon Center was packed to the brim as trainers and Pokčmon waited anxiously to purchase the coolest new gadget in the Sinnoh region. The Pokčtch was suppose to be a GPS Navigational device, a watch, a calculator, a Pokčmon scanner and many other programs which you can download at various Pokčmon Centers. Yuki recognized several trainers as coordinators from the contest circuit in Kanto. May from Littleroot Town was a few heads up.

    “May! May!” Yuki tried calling and waving. “Alright, let’s go, Leafeon!” Yuki threw up a special Pokčball. It burst open, spewing sparks and stars and glitter all over. A peach and green Pokčmon appeared in front of Yuki. “Leafeon, go get May’s attention.” The Pokčmon nodded at ran off.

    “Who’s that Pokčmon?” Wes and Duking asked. Duking reached into his pocket and pulled out a deck of cards.

    “No, nope, nah, neigh, ah ha! Leafeon, the leaf Pokčmon. It is a new evolution of the normal type, Eevee. It is evolved by using a Leaf Stone.” Wes and Yuki, as well as several other trainers stared at Duking as if he were a child who had just said something really embarrassing. Duking’s face turned red as he slipped the cards back into his pocket. “Heh, heh, it’s not what you think. I have no idea how those got there. It was probably one of my kids. Yeah, yeah that’s it, my son collects those cards and he put them in my pocket.” Everyone just stared. Then Yuki turned as a familiar voice called her name.

    “Yuki! Hey, it’s been a long time!” May said, Leafeon walked behind her. “I see you’ve been taking good care of Leafeon.” May patted the Pokčmon on the head as it slinked over to Yuki.

    “May, it’s so good to see you. What are you doing here in Sinnoh?” Yuki said, putting Leafeon back into the ball.

    “Well, I came here to get a Pokčtch and then I’m off to the contests. I guess you’re here for a Pokčtch too.” May showed Yuki here contest brochure.

    “I don’t think I’m gonna get a Pokčtch. He’s the one who drug us here.” Yuki pointed at Duking.

    “Oh my god, I can’t wait like I’ve been waiting forever to get one of these things, it’s like the best thing ever, like ohmygawd!” Duking was acting exactly like a teenage girl who was talking on her cellphone.

    “Seriously, even I don’t get that excited over gadgets.” Wes said, shaking his head and tisking Duking.

    “Boys,” Yuki said and she rolled her eyes. May giggled. Just then, there was an explosion inside the Pokčmon Center.

    “What was that?” Yuki said. May turned and got a determined look in her eye. “May, I know that look. Don’t go off and get yourself killed.” But, it was too late, like a moth to a flame, May sprinted off to try and save the day.

    “She reminds me of someone, someone very annoying.” Wes said, stroking his chin, thinking of a boy from Pallet Town.
    Last edited by BrawlMaster; 8th September 2008 at 11:22 AM.
    My Wii number is 6786 1375 9601 4528
    Chapter 7 is up NOW! Read League of Masters: Exodus Part 1! Follow: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=312065
    optables.php?act=rarecandy&id=120259 Click here to feed me a rare candy.Get your own Pokeplushie at: http://www.pokeplushies.com

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Starfleet Academy
    Posts
    124

    Default

    Chapter 6: The Perils of Marill

    The red-orange glow of flames reflected off the walls of the burning Pokèmon Center as May rushed in. She threw a Great Ball from her waist, releasing her Glaceon.

    “Glaceon, use Ice Beam and try to put out the flames.” The Pokèmon’s mouth started to get extremely cold as a white and blue beam shot Ice shards at the wild flames engulfing the Pokèmon center. Even though the ice was cold, it wasn’t enough to contain the flames.

    “May, let me help,” Wes said as he pulled a ball from his waist. “Let’s go, Wartortle, Water Gun!” As the ball flew up into the air, it burst open, cascading water everywhere.

    “Alright, that helped a lot, Glaceon, use Sheer Cold!” Glaceon cried as its eyes turned blue. The room started to get cold and frost formed on the windows.

    “Wartortle, Water Gun again and this time full power!” Wartortles cheeks swelled as it built up air pressure to about 60 psi and released the water. The two moves combined caused a sort of blizzard and snow fluttered all around the room. Wartortle’s Water Gun and Glaceon’s Sheer Cold killed the fire.

    “You know, you’re not half bad,” Wes said as he high fived May.

    “Wish I could say the same for you.” May laughed and walked out of the center.

    The fire department arrived a few minutes later long with an ambulance to help the injured. May and Wes were interviewed by the local TV show “Amazing Trainers” also by the regional news channel WZSS. It just so happened that Gonzap was watching the news to look for potential candidates for his new project.

    “Bate and catch,” Gonzap sneered. There was a knock at the door. “Come in and it had better be important!”

    “Sir, I’ve found them, the group you were looking for. They’re currently resting near Lake Valor.”

    “Good we’ll get two for the price of one.” Gonzap laughed, although the Peon didn’t understand why Gonzap was laughing, so he forced a laugh. “Tell Snattle, I’m going to get a bunch of Marrill and a Mesprit.”

    Duking, with his newly purchased Pokètch, decided to find a clothing store so Wes could buy a new outfit.

    “Wes according to Fashion Action, your outfit is so last game. I’m trying to find a store so we can get you changed into more fashionable attire.”

    “Duking, you scare me. Stop using that blasted device for everything!” Wes was ready to smash the Pokètch right then and there, but something beat him to it.

    “Oh no,” Duking cried, “My Pokètch died! It must need batteries.” Just as the group was passing an electronics store, “Breaking News” appeared on the TV in the window.

    “Trainers across the Sinnoh region are experiencing technical difficulties with the new gadget, the Pokètch. Problems range from sudden power loss to displaying inappropriate images. It is uncertain at the time what the cause of these problems is but the Pokètch Company says to bring all Pokètchs to the nearest electronics store for a total refund. The company also plans to hold a press conference later today. Join us at 5 for full coverage of this developing story.”

    At Cipher/Snagem headquarters, Gonzap readies to go to Lake Valor. Of course Snattle was happy to hear the news that Gonzap finally decided to stop being lazy. Gonzap and several Peons climbed into their mobile lab and rolled out into the dense Sinnoh jungle. About an hour later, they arrived at Lake Valor. Gonzap climed out of the vehicle and scanned the area for any sign of the Marill. Lake Valor glistened in the midday sun. Several Buizel and Floatzel could be seen playing and eating. A Finneon jumped out of the water followed by a Lumineon.

    “Get some balls out, we’ve going fishing.” Gonzap chuckled. Then he saw them, the Marill. All at once they walked to the lake side and shared a lunch of berries and grass. Gonzap watched as the Marrill worked together to bring water to their banquet, each of them carried little buckets and they made a train, going from lake side to lunch area. One Marill started to squish the berries into a pulp and then he used Ice Beam to turn it into a slushie. Gonzap watched in awe, his jaw dropped. He watched this coordinated group of Pokèmon work together as he imagined ways to use them in battles, like little stealth Ninja warriors bouncing off walls and cutting enemies with their Grass Katana.

    “Sir, we have one of the Lake Spirits on radar, the other side of the lake.” Gonzap snapped out of his fantasy world and turned to the Peon.

    “Our number one priority right now is that group of Marill over yonder. Let them finish lunch and then we strike. We will catch them and turn them into Ninja warriors!” All of the Peons looked at Gonzap with a look of doubt and bewilderment. Also with a look of “What the hell is he talking about?” An Azurill stumbled over to Gonzap. The Pokèmon looked up at Gonzap and handed him a notebook in the shape of a big red chair. In the spiral of the notebook was a green crayon.

    “Whats this little fella,” Gonzap asked. “You wanna play a game or something.” The Azurill nodded and screeched happily. While the Peons got Pokèballs and net guns ready for the mass capture, Gonzap was off with the Azurill and the handy-dandy notbook playing a game of Blue’s Clues. The Peons rolled their eyes when they noticed blue paw prints on the Pokèballs, net guns and their helmets. Gonzap had one on his moustache.

    “So now that we have all the clues, let’s draw them in the handy-dandy notebook.” Gonzap pulled the crayon out and drew some detailed pictures of the Pokèballs, net guns, the Peons’ helmets, and one very nice self portrait. “There you go little buddy,” Gonzap said, patting the Azurill. “Now you run along and go play.”

    The Azurill hopped back to the group of Marills and showed them the pictures. The Azurill’s mother started chattering with the other Marill in the group. Then they all dropped their berry slushies, and picked up their grass. Each and every Marrill had a crazy, rabid look in it’s eye. Meanwhile, Gonzap and the Peons were ready to head out when the Azurill popped out of nowhere, nearly giving Gonzap a heart attack.

    “Wow, where’d you come from? Let me guess, you wanna play another game?” That’s when he saw them, the Marill he was going to capture and train to be Ninja warriors. They all walked like they were on a mission, all the while, the little Azurill clapped and sang joyously. Gonzap and the Peons laughed at first but then they could see the look of murder in the Pokèmon’s eyes. One Peon stepped out in front of the group and cocked his net gun. Gonzap tried to stop him but it was too late.

    “Don’t be a hero! Get back here!” Gonzap tried to pull him back but the Peon was determined. Before he could pull the trigger, the Marill pounced on him, ripping his uniform open, biting, scratching, and even cutting the Peon with their grass Katana. Gonzap herded the other Peons into the vehicle. The tank didn’t make it back to headquarters. The Azurill had tricked Gonzap into spoiling his plan without even telling the slightest idea. It was a smart move on the Pokèmon’s part because if Gonzap had succeeded, the Marrill would be in a world of trouble and hurt. Later that day, Gonzap went to Snattle’s office to tell him about the Marrill. Snattle wasn’t too excited, he knew Gonzap would fail.

    “I thought it would be an easy job. I had plans, but look what that got me, cuts and bruises. They were like Hannah Montana fans trying to get tickets for her 3-D movie!” Gonzap tried not to cry but just the memory of the incident was too much. Snattle rolled his eyes in disbelief.

    “I’ve got one question, who is Hannah Montana?” Gonzap just stared, he had no answer.
    Last edited by BrawlMaster; 9th December 2008 at 11:26 PM.
    My Wii number is 6786 1375 9601 4528
    Chapter 7 is up NOW! Read League of Masters: Exodus Part 1! Follow: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=312065
    optables.php?act=rarecandy&id=120259 Click here to feed me a rare candy.Get your own Pokeplushie at: http://www.pokeplushies.com

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Starfleet Academy
    Posts
    124

    Default

    It has been over a year since the last chapter of this story was posted. Partly because my main reader became a Serebii Staff memeber and lost the time to read my fic, also because I had stopped writing chapter 7. I got writer's block for a while, not knowing which direction I wanted to take the story, also I got worried about how I was going to end it. Tonight, I finished Chapter 7 and once again I'll be going on hiatus to figure out once again, how to end this epic journey. Chapter 7 ends part one of League of Masters: Exodus. Please read and review the entire story if you are a new reader and any story development you would like to input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and enjoy the conclusion of League of Masters: Exodus Part one.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Chapter 7: Twin Leafs

    A new day had begun in Sinnoh. The Sun, a blazing ball of fire red, rose into the early morning sky. The clouds, just red hot coals in the flame, slowly moved along with the crisp, dew drenched breeze. In a valley, a lone Raikou wandered the vast land, its paws drenched from the morning dew. Wes, Duking, Yuki and May were readying for today’s journey to Twinleaf Town. The group was going there to get a friend of May. She had met Dawn through the contest circuit, the two actually battled each other at the Wallace Cup; Dawn won.

    “Dawn is a great coordinator and battler. I think she can aid in the fight against this…what’s the name again?” Wes had told May the entire story over dinner last night. She only asked 3 questions the entire time.

    “It’s Cipher. Also Team Snagem, they’re just pawns in Cipher’s plan. As I told you, I used to work for Snagem, back then, they had dignity and self-respect. Now they’re just like those Team Rocket buffoons Jesse, James and Meowth!” May snickered at this remark. While traveling with Ash and Brock, she had her fair share of Team Rocket. The last encounter she had with them was during the Wallace Cup.

    “So you’ve met Team Rocket eh? I just ran into them during the Wallace Cup. I just can’t stand them; I’ve had my fill of Team Rocket from traveling around Hoenn with Ash Ketchum.” May pulled one last time on her bandana. “There, all set. We can go down and get some breakfast before we hit the road. Its gonna take at least 4-6 hours to get to Twinleaf Town so we might as well fill up the tanks before we go.”

    The late morning sun was warming to Wes as he stepped out of the restaurant. He looked around the area, surveying the land. He noticed a group of Altaria gliding on the light breeze, but something seemed off. The Altaria looked as if they were flying away from something and in a hurry too. Their wings flapping frantically, and that’s when Wes saw it. Like a recurring nightmare, the Shadow Beast loomed over the mountainous horizon and then crested the valley. Its deep purple body, like a shark in the water, swam through the air, hunting the Altaria. Wes grabbed his chest and sank to the ground. A sharp pain shot through him, like a knife piercing his heart. Yuki ran and embraced him, she looked up, her eyes widened and she gasped. The Beast screeched; glass shards flew in every direction. Duking and May ran to Wes and Yuki, Pokčballs in hand. Duking threw out his Pokčball, it exploded into a Missingno. I know what you’re thinking: “Somehow that isn’t right”, but we’ll go along with it for a while. May ran out to Wes and Yuki, helping them up.

    “May, get Yuki out of here! This is my fight; take Duking and his missing entry in the Pokčdex too.” Wes and Yuki locked eyes, they traded words unspoken. May, Yuki, Duking and Missingno ran off, Shadow Lugia, looming over Wes. The Beast drew in a deep breath and exhaled a hyper beam, unlike any before. Wes was consumed in a fiery, electric torrent of energy, his clothes, hair, skin obliterated. The Beast did not let up on its wrath. Wes explodes…

    “AHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!” Wes shook awake, drenched in sweat. “What did I eat?” He looked around the cabin of the ferry. His blue jacket and silver sunglasses rested on the chair in the corner of the small room. Small rays of sunlight seeped in through the drawn blinds.

    “What is it? What’s going on, are you okay?” Duking rushed into the room, hearing Wes’ screams.

    “Yeah, I think so.” Wes shrugged. “I had a terrible dream, the Shadow Beast attacked us and then…” He trailed off, trying to suppress his emotions.

    “Good news and bad news, which do you want first?” Duking said, handing Wes his jacket.

    “Ummm, give me the good first.” Wes answered, slipping his sunglasses onto his forehead.

    “Okay, good news is, we’re almost to Twinleaf Town, only about half an hour out. Bad news is, Cipher has moved into Twinleaf, looking for a Professor Rowan. They’ve also joined forces with a mysterious group known as Team Galactic. They’re getting ready for something really, really big Wes.” Duking opened the blinds, looking across the water as smoke rose in the distance.

    “Two can play that game. Duking do they have a phone on the boat?” Wes stood now, buttoning his jacket. Duking turned, looking serious.

    “Yeah it’s right down the hall. Wes, I just have to ask, who ya gonna call?”

    “You’ll see.” Wes said, smiling and he dashed out of the room.

    “I really hate it when he smiles like that.” Duking walked out of the cabin, shutting the door behind himself.

    Out the window, the black smoke rising in the distance gains the slight tint of orange as the ferry draws closer and closer to Twinleaf Town. What is Cipher planning with Team Galactic and Team Rocket and why do they need Professor Rowan to do it? Who is Wes calling and will they be powerful enough to bring down this ever growing evil crime syndicate? Why did Duking have a Missingno is Wes’ dream? Find out the answer to this and many more questions in the exciting, epic conclusion of League of Masters: Exoudus, the Final chapter in the League of Masters saga.
    My Wii number is 6786 1375 9601 4528
    Chapter 7 is up NOW! Read League of Masters: Exodus Part 1! Follow: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=312065
    optables.php?act=rarecandy&id=120259 Click here to feed me a rare candy.Get your own Pokeplushie at: http://www.pokeplushies.com

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    From the land down under...
    Posts
    7,009

    Default

    Right, here goes a review after... a good while. =P

    Overall I think it's been all right so far - some nice jokes here and there, and progression to the plot. Also liked the Miror B scene and some information thrown in their explaining your take on things. However I'm not too sure how it's going to progress, and as you said you're taking another hiatus to figure out what will happen next as well...

    I feel this shows a bit in that it seems a bit too much is happening - especially with Gonzap taking on an army and having a baby Lugia waiting to hatch - it strikes me as a bit much and touch too random at times, events like these (such as the dream sequence in the last chapter as well which took up a good amount of the chapter, and hence left the chapter a touch empty there, I thought - the random explosions and Missingnos and so forth there seems a bit over the top, IMO, but that's just me). Maybe some re-plotting would be something to consider for atm it just comes off as a bit too much to swallow, so to put.

    Some quotes from the Miror B chapter which cover a number of mistakes you make later on as well:
    “Well, about 3 years ago, Ein proposed this idea to make the shadow Pokčmon stronger.
    Generally speaking, write out numbers that are less than 100 (i.e. three over 3).
    Why would someone give up those great benefitsand leave just because your coworkers don’t like you’re dancing style?
    Needs a gap. And Miror B of course - Wes should know him well enough by now. =P
    Gonzap is a sort of cry baby at times.
    I'm a bit unsure about this characterisation of Gonzap as well - a crybaby? He never really struck me like one (if anyone, it's Snattle wo could fit that role more and even so...) and I can't say I'm that much for him being like one. =/
    It was still hot, he nearly burned his tongue. Miror B laughed, Wes shot him a look. “Those aren’t you’re only questions.
    Be careful with how you word sentences - sometimes you join parts together with commas which just makes it sound awkward. Using other punctuation marks and filling in the sentences or even just making a new sentence makes for better options here for instance. Also your over you're (you are).
    Wes had a disgusted look on his face. He looked like he was sitting in a hot car and someone farted with the windows were rolled up. That’s how screwed up his face was.
    I think there was a bit too much telling us what his face looked like here - it gets a bit over-the top, and also makes it sound like you're telling this directly to us and breaking the fourth wall - try to avoid it.
    I think he’ll want to see them.” Miror B whispered to the Pokčmon.
    “Well, that one is Darkrai, an event Pokčmon only obtainable through Gameshark™, Actionreplay™, or a Pokčmon event.” Miror B said.
    “You’re welcome. Please do come again and bring Yuki along the next time.” Miror B called after him.
    Like before you have to look for using commas instead of full stops as well in sentences - otherwise you're making a new sentence after the dialogue which doesn't always work. (But points for the joke there).

    Focus on covering those parts in the later chapters and any future ones - but I suppose the most important part is to think about where this fic will go - otherwise you'll just get stuck again and again. Take your time with it, and try to figure it out and not resort too much to seemingly random points, I suggest. Good luck with the rest of the fic.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

    The BBS Forums! Join in!
    Gain achievements for activity on forums & the games!

    Tied to this Pokemon Magazine! Looking for contributors - check it out!
    Why should you? Well, Wynaut?
    Current article: Fan Art Reviews: toufu's Manga! Check out neat art of Golduck and Shinx, among others!
    Avatar by minty-fivestar on DA, with edited background/cropping. Fic banner by cieux.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •