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Thread: Inheritors

  1. #1
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    Inheritors
    (A Pokemon Journey)

    Beyond the outer wall of the room the minds of the birds shifted, first songs of the day approaching half over and the beginnings of fatigue mixed with accomplishment seeping through the wrinkles of their minds like a drop of water spreading through the fibers of a scrap of paper bit by bit. This he woke to, pulling in and processing his dream by habit, but he remained lying there on his stomach until the alarm rang.

    He flicked it off and opened his eyes to see the blue numbers. Dawn shifted with each new day, and the thoughts of birds shifted with it. The clock was mindless but exact. That was why they kept them.

    He pushed his body upright as his mind stretched out, shaking and fluffing itself out like a fledgling chick, the feathery edges of his thoughts brushing against the round, self-contained walls of Dama's mind below and leftward. That was the kitchen. Dama was cooking, then. There was the first true thought of the day: Oh. I hope I won't have to stay and eat breakfast. Not today.

    The last vestiges of his dream consumed, he stood, then hopped over to his dresser in a single motion, pulling on clothes and smoothing down fur ruffled in the process. He was outwardly placid by the standards of the birds outside or most of the others on the ground, in the normal way of his kind, though anyone familiar with them would have seen the suppressed excitement in his slightly too abrupt motions, the impatience that showed in how he had to twice pause and backtrack to complete the prior task, a final button left undone, a pantsleg not quite pulled down. The naturally flighty birds would never have noticed such small things, nor would another of his kind, not with the swirling core of emotion in the center of his mind so obvious to see instead. It was the first day of the month.

    He bounded across the hallway, then trotted down the stairs one by one, resisting the urge to skip over some. The door was near the bottom of the stairwell.

    Mada was there as well in the kitchen, his mind the same rounded impenetrable and immovable feel, like anchors or guideposts.

    "I am not that hungry today. I want to leave now," he told them, heading for the door.

    A feeling like a heavy blanket dropped over his mind, morphing on the instant of contact into a vicelike steel clamp. He spun on one foot and marched neatly down the lower hallway and into the kitchen, where one arm pulled out a chair and he sat down.

    Dama put a plate of grilled fish in front of him. "Breakfast."

    "I hate it when you do that," he said, sulking.

    "Breakfast," said Mada. A second later a fork thunked meaningfully down next to his plate. "And using that. Do not eat like a pokemon."

    He set the fish back down on the plate and obediently wrapped one hand around the fork and began pulling the fish apart with it. "I am going to be an adult soon and you won't be able to move me around any longer," he told them, stuffing flaky bits of fish into his mouth.

    "Adults eat their breakfast without needing people to make them," he was reminded.

    He scowled, the expression faint on his face and his mind radiating the emotion with the indignant force of a child's crocodile tears, and shoveled more marinated fish into his mouth. "Done now." His fork clattered down again.

    "Swallow."

    "Done now," he said, swallowing. "I want to leave. Really."

    "Impatience will get you nowhere," Mada said. A heavy blanket feeling brushed his mind again, in jest. "Is that how you want to act on the first day of becoming an adult, childishly?"

    "I am not impatient," he protested instantly. "I just want to go. When are we leaving then?"

    "When all of us finish eating."

    He scowled again.

    "Have a grapefruit half."

    For all the implacability of the two adults, they finished eating more quickly than pn a normal morning, a fact entirely lost on him as he finished off the grapefruit and then sat bouncing the balls of his feet against the floor until the others were done. He jumped up immediately and started for the door, mindful not to run. Impatience will get you nowhere.

    They could have gone there almost instantly, of course. But like the rest of their kind the three avoided teleportation under most circumstances, preferring to move physically from one place to another, and so they walked instead through the quiet streets of Fuchsia.

    Starting points were not officially restricted to any particular city, any more than the slow pace of their walk was mandated. It was simply the way things were done that journeys began in Fuchsia, Pallet or Cinnabar, with only the rarest of exceptions. Had they lived in one of the other cities, they'd have traveled more quickly, but as it was their home was perhaps a half hour's walk away from the school, a perfectly manageable distance.

    As they approached he could feel another boy heading away, in the direction of the edge of the city, and the dissolving traces of others who had done similarly not long before. Impatience burst through his mind and the tip of his tail flexed, causing the cloth over it to slide down a bit, uncomfortably ruffling his fur the wrong way in the process. All three things earned him a pair of mildly disapproving glances from the adults, and, impatience bleeding into embarrassment, he fixed his clothing and clamped down on his thoughts of hurrying and the sense that the other children were ahead of him.

    He did take just slightly longer steps, and, indulging him, this went unmentioned by both adults. Within five minutes they had arrived, and he headed through the doors and up to the adult behind the counter.

    Much of registering was simply a ritualized formality. There was no true reason why he had to come and stand there to be handed the black pokeball for his starter, or why he needed an official ID card when he was known to any adult. It was simply the way things were done. He was asked his name.

    "Deus."





    Kind of an odd idea for an original trainer. I'm curious what you think.

    I'm trying to make them and their world consistent, but there are still patches I'm uncertain about. It seems I shouldn't really ask general questions over at the Cafe, so instead I'm just going to try to write it out and hope you guys will be nice enough to point out any problems you see early on, and hopefully I can nip them in the bud.
    Last edited by Irin; 23rd April 2008 at 6:54 PM. Reason: The fact my proofreading job shows I have the attention span of a ferret

  2. #2
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    Review, review, review. Grammar and stuff first, other things later.

    This he woke to, pulling in and processing his dream by habit, but he remained lying there on his stomach until the alarm rang.
    "Laying" is the past tense of the transitive verb "to lay;" however, you want the past tense of "to lie."

    Dama was cooking, then.
    Unless you want the sentence to be equivalent to, "Dama was cooking at that moment."

    The last vestiges of his dream consumed, he stood and hopped over to his dresser in a single motion, pulling on clothes and smoothing down fur ruffled in the process.
    Hmm... did he stand and jump without getting out of bed first?

    Mada was there was well in the kitchen, his mind the same rounded impenetrable and immovable feel, like anchors or guideposts.
    There "as well," right?

    "I hate it when you do that," he sulked.
    I really don't like the use of "sulked" as a speech tag. Sulking is, in fact, silent; even for telepathy, if that's what they're using at this point, it seems sort of wrong.

    When are we leaving, then?
    Same deal as before.

    For all the implacability of the two adults, they finished eating more quickly than on a normal morning, a fact entirely lost on him as he finished off the grapefruit and then sat bouncing the balls of his feet against the floor until the others were done.
    All three things earned him a mildly disapproving glances from the adults, and, impatience bleeding into embarrassment, he fixed his clothing and clamped down on his thoughts of hurrying and the sense the others were ahead of him.
    Unless the two of them managed to produce a single glance. Additionally, at the end of the sentence, there... Would it be "the sense that others were ahead of him?" The way it is now works, of course, but only if you're talking about a specific group of others. You very well could be, but it sounds strange to say it that way at this point because you have yet to explicitly state any such group that it could be referring to.

    He did take just slightly longer steps, and, indulging him, this went unmentioned.
    This sentence has a dangling participial phrase ("indulging him") that has no object to point to. Because of its positioning in the sentence, it currently refers to "steps," which makes this sentence rather nonsensical. Changing it to read "his parents indulging him" instead would fix that easily enough.

    I like the way you use syntax and diction to modulate the flow of the writing and enhance its alien feel, but at times I think you go a little far into the realm of causing confusion because of the way you break normal word-order rules. Mostly, this has to do with the use of implied subjects, which can work in moderation but at times looks very wrong in a sentence.

    Not a bad start at all. As previously mentioned, I think that you do an excellent job of portraying the inhumanness of the protagonist and his family, as well as the irony of their attempts at emulating humanity. At this point, of course, there are tons of questions about what exactly is going on here, but I'm sure they'll be answered in good time. To say that everything "makes sense" would be a lie, of course, but again, part of the point you've been making so far is that this system doesn't make sense.

    In particular, I think you've done a fine job of portraying the way that a psychic would interact with the world, such as the bit about the rising of the sun and the birds' response to it and the descriptions of how it "feels" to interact with one's surroundings and other organisms with one's mind rather than one's body or words. It goes far beyond what most writers do with the concept, usually not expanding it far beyond simply talking mind-to-mind. And, of course, nice job subverting the typical "first day of training" opening: you've kept it just similar enough to the old standard to make it glaringly obvious just how different the situation actually is.

    One of the things that I'm most interested in is the redundancy of the Deus' species' communication system. You mention, for example, the almost vestigial nature of Deus' scowl; it seems to me as though such gestures would probably be eliminated entirely in species able to directly convey emotions by reading one another's mental state. Are facial expressions and body language like that something Deus' people purposefully adopt in their attempt to emulate human society, or are they used for some other purpose entirely, perhaps to provide some small degree of nonverbal (though I guess all their communication is nonverbal, unless they're speaking aloud and not mind-to-mind here) communication for species without the same psychic capabilities? Because in the former case, it seems like a skill that would very quickly fall by the wayside; if a species isn't naturally disposed to using those sorts of nonverbal cues, as I'd imagine psychic communicators wouldn't be, then they seem like something that would be very hard to pick up.

    Any particular significance to the pokéball being black? Or is it just an ultra/luxury ball? Or... were the clone balls black? I don't honestly remember.

    In any case, not really much to critique here. I look forward to seeing more.

  3. #3
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    ^.^; I shouldn't write most of a chapter after midnight, it seems. Changed everything but the "leaving then" bit...Their diction is supposed to be different in small ways, although I can drop that if it's too distracting. I kind of want a sound like he's saying all the words at the same rate...he's trying not to speak in a hurry, but he's really impatient.

    Quote Originally Posted by Negrek View Post
    One of the things that I'm most interested in is the redundancy of the Deus' species' communication system. You mention, for example, the almost vestigial nature of Deus' scowl; it seems to me as though such gestures would probably be eliminated entirely in species able to directly convey emotions by reading one another's mental state. Are facial expressions and body language like that something Deus' people purposefully adopt in their attempt to emulate human society, or are they used for some other purpose entirely, perhaps to provide some small degree of nonverbal (though I guess all their communication is nonverbal, unless they're speaking aloud and not mind-to-mind here) communication for species without the same psychic capabilities? Because in the former case, it seems like a skill that would very quickly fall by the wayside; if a species isn't naturally disposed to using those sorts of nonverbal cues, as I'd imagine psychic communicators wouldn't be, then they seem like something that would be very hard to pick up.
    It's kind of hard to make clear at this point, but adults only display emotion through physical expressions for the most part. Deus is kind of like a little kid stomping his feet, where you don't have to work off the subtler cues that they're irritated because they might as well be yelling "I'm mad right now!!!" at you.

    They actually are pretty sensitive to faint expressions (it's why his tail twitching is a Big Deal worthy of disapproval), but broadcasting is so much more noticeable. (And there's a difference between broadcasting and talking, and...)

    It's hard to maneuver them into the right place to explain these kinds of things. I think in...two chapters? it'll get addressed a bit more. A bit.

    Any particular significance to the pokéball being black? Or is it just an ultra/luxury ball? Or... were the clone balls black? I don't honestly remember.
    It's half just because it fits the theme.

    And thanks for your review! I will ponder all this for the next chapter

  4. #4
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    Neoteny is found throughout nature in many species making the transition to greater intelligence. While typically described as a developmental slowing or delay, such terms are deeply misleading.



    The area beyond Fuchsia was lightly forested, interspaced with open sections of green meadow or dry ground. He could feel the minds of various local pokemon all around. Part of this was the challenge, though: it wasn't right to simply find one and make it come to him. Instead he focused, reversing things so instead of his mind passively listening, it pulled inward and broadcast something akin to refracting light around him, becoming invisible to their minds. Radiating his nonexistence to any pokemon he encountered, he set off to watch them through his own eyes.

    There were some birds, but he had no real interest in flying things, finding them bland and a bit absurd in their clumsy insistence on wings. The beedrill he came upon next he considered even less suitable. He looked at the bugs with an aloof but disgusted disdain as they tended their eggs and pupae, and he didn't even spare a glance for the weedle he passed, the small things chewing thoughtlessly at leaves. A pack of nidoran argued in excited, sharp sounds, oblivious to his presence, but after some consideration he decided against them for the moment.

    Not long after he came to a small open area where the soil changed to something drier and looser. A sandshrew poked its head up amid open soil and some rocks, and he walked over to get a better look. He watched it dig industriously through the sandy soil and decided it would make a good pokemon.

    He tossed the black pokeball. The sandshrew had the most amusingly exaggerated look on its face the instant after the ball hit, a comically dismayed and disbelieving expression as if it couldn't fathom how this had happened.

    A relatively good description, as of course it couldn't. It was a sandshrew.

    He picked up the pokeball and then unfettered his mind and let it stretch outward again to search, brushing against the loose thoughts of the other children, most similarly questing for someone who had completed their first task.

    Another boy was nearby. He headed in the boy's direction, as the boy headed toward him. Presently they met physically.

    "Sen," introduced the other boy, as he said, "Deus."

    Sen had a second pokeball on him, a plain white one, indicating he'd captured another pokemon already. Deus wondered if he should have delayed the first trainer fight similarly, then pushed the thought aside. He had wanted a battle. There would be time for captures later.

    He released the sandshrew as Sen opened his own black pokeball housing his first pokemon.

    It was a female nidoran, looking a bit worn but still in decent condition. The sandshrew and it stared at each other.

    He said immediately, "Scratch," knowing that whoever reacted first could get a free hit in. Sen gave the same order. The nidoran moved first, charging forward and rearing up to swat at the sandshrew, which ducked and twisted sideways. The nidoran twisted to follow, and the second hit struck it across the face. It let out a chattering squeak and smacked back with its own yellow paw. They traded blows like this for several minutes, and eventually the nidoran slumped to the ground, panting and dazed.

    Sen recalled it and sent out the next pokemon, a somewhat sleepy-looking oddish. Like the first it looked like it had already battled, presumably against the nidoran earlier. After the sandshrew landing a scratch attack or two on it, the oddish managed to wrap its leaves around the sandshrew's side and execute an absorb attack.

    The sandshrew shuddered and then went limp, unconscious.

    The oddish was recalled and they traded compliments and politeness before parting ways, Sen heading off directly while he first bent and touched one hand to the sandshrew's side, focusing on recovery. It opened its eyes and got to its feet.

    It stared at him, its mind radiating anxious confusion. <I'm capture-> it stammered, words simple and crude. <How'd you? Why you want what do you happen now I'm.>

    "I am a trainer," he informed it. "So you are my pokemon now." He tapped the starting pokeball and watched it sucked back into the black sphere, then considered his options.

    He could remain in the area to look for another pokemon, or he could start toward Cinnabar now. He hesitated, tail tip flicking from side to side above his shoulders. Another pokemon...seeing Cinnabar...Cinnabar, he decided. He pulled his mind in, molding and binding it into a clumsy approximation of the rounded smoothness of an adult's containment, and feeling pleased and grownup, he started south, bounding in long, psi-enhanced leaps.

    He reached the shrubby plains between the woods and beach before long, and spied a lone doduo in his path. He'd been going too fast to pay much attention to notice most pokemon during his travel through the forest, but the plains were more open, and his eyes narrowed at the sight of the two-headed bird. He'd left the beedrill be, but this was a greater irritant. He took one further leap, coming to a halt near it, and in a burst of childish annoyance, released the sandshrew again and ordered it to attack.

    Again, the sandshrew didn't react swiftly, giving the doduo time to bob both heads and then peck at it before it swiped the other pokemon across one face.

    The bird was the stronger fighter, and before long the sandshrew was nearly beaten while the doduo was only half injured. He stepped over to touch the battered sandshrew with one hand and recover it a second time, ordering another attack as he pulled his arm back. It returned to scratching and tackling, and finally the two-minded bird collapsed.

    Deus recalled his sandshrew and looked at the now unconscious pokemon a moment, feeling pleased. Then he continued toward Cinnabar.
    Last edited by Irin; 26th April 2008 at 9:37 PM.

  5. #5

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    I had a hard time figuring out that the trainer switched the Nidoran to an Oddish, and had to read it over again. I think you should make that a different paragraph.

    <How'd you? Why you want what do you happen now I'm.>
    For some reason, I don't like that there's a full stop at the end of that. I wish I knew.

    I like the names of the monsters to start with capital letters. First of all, they are names that belong to companies. If you wish to ignore that, the monsters are just breeds of their egg groups.

  6. #6
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    ...not to insult you, but... this fic is Boring. With a capital B. The fight was really uninteresting, overall, and it was almost like a complete rip from writing the games, made worse by 'BLOCK-OF-TEXT' paragraphs.

    Then, there's the fact that I don't see why this story is supposed to star 'Pokémon in place of humans'. All I'm seeing is a bunch of non-descript things that I actually thought were humans at first, and because you already announced them as not being such, then I don't see where is the problem in letting us know what they look like.

    Oh, and you called Mada 'Dama' once and I'm hoping that it was a typo because, else, I don't see why he had two... mothers. I think. That was his mother? I didn't quite get it because she was as non-descript as the rest of them. Frell, the Pokémon have more description than them only because we have seen their name and thus, can identify them.

    So, yeah. These are quite a few flaws that ruin any possible enjoyment I tried to have from reading this fic. I apologize, but I think you need to rewrite it, or possibly get yourself a beta reader; someone who'll be reading your story before you post and point out any mistakes you may have made.

    I won something. Click above to find out why.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by oRaNgE~1337 View Post
    I had a hard time figuring out that the trainer switched the Nidoran to an Oddish, and had to read it over again. I think you should make that a different paragraph.
    I see what you mean. Changed it.

    For some reason, I don't like that there's a full stop at the end of that. I wish I knew.
    Because it's the end of the sentence. The sandshrew was stammering and then came to an abrupt halt rather than trailing off.

    I like the names of the monsters to start with capital letters. First of all, they are names that belong to companies. If you wish to ignore that, the monsters are just breeds of their egg groups.
    Sorry, but I really don't. They don't ride in Elevators either. Also...he's not going to nickname the sandshrew, so that'd just make more chances for confusion along the lines of the oddish.


    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    ...not to insult you, but... this fic is Boring. With a capital B. The fight was really uninteresting, overall, and it was almost like a complete rip from writing the games, made worse by 'BLOCK-OF-TEXT' paragraphs.

    Then, there's the fact that I don't see why this story is supposed to star 'Pokémon in place of humans'. All I'm seeing is a bunch of non-descript things that I actually thought were humans at first, and because you already announced them as not being such, then I don't see where is the problem in letting us know what they look like.
    I guess I see what you mean, but I also get the feeling you weren't paying attention...humans don't have tails, fur, and incredible psychic abilities, for one thing. They don't mind control their kids, or make a big deal about kids walking a bit fast when they're excited. I don't want to write a story where I'm stopping all the time to tell you that by the way they're pokemon. If I was writing about humans I wouldn't be stopping to remind you of that, either. The incongruity is intentional.

    This isn't meant to be a very active story. The idea that the way they behave tells you about their society and how their world works, how they're the same or different from people. The background detail is what you're supposed to be paying attention to, and draw your own conclusions from it. If that's not something you care about, then you won't like the story.

    You're right, the battles are like game battles. But it's not about if you'd find the battles more interesting done anime style. It's not a cosmetic choice. The battles are like that because it's an example of their culture, and it's supposed to give you an idea of that.

    They fight using their full pokemon teams, so we know they don't care much about equal matches. They don't care much about their pokemon being at full health either, since Sen's pokemon were both worn down and neither thought it was a big deal. And they don't seem to really care about the outcome very much, since Deus doesn't try to justify his loss as because of two pokemon or a type advantage or anything. That's what's important about the battles, not a blow-by-blow description of if the sandshrew used another scratch attack, so that's what's mentioned.

    Oh, and you called Mada 'Dama' once and I'm hoping that it was a typo because, else, I don't see why he had two... mothers. I think.
    This is why I think it's that you weren't paying attention. Mada's identified as he, for one thing, and it's said a few times that there are two adults. Dama is mentioned first (cooking the fish), then Mada is mentioned as also being there in the kitchen, and then both adults go with Deus to register. It's like you started off with an idea of what the story was, then saw mistakes everywhere your idea didn't fit.

    So, yeah. These are quite a few flaws that ruin any possible enjoyment I tried to have from reading this fic. I apologize, but I think you need to rewrite it, or possibly get yourself a beta reader; someone who'll be reading your story before you post and point out any mistakes you may have made.
    I’m sorry, but I don't think there's anything I can do. It's like saying that I've made a mistake because there's no unsolved murder yet, when I'm not writing a murder mystery. I'll take the bits about it being boring into consideration, but it really does sound like you just weren't paying attention/are acting like this is intended to be a different story and judging it for not doing a good job at that.

  8. #8
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    Cinnabar was nice.

    By any outward standard, at least. It was the least altered of any of the original cities, and the most closely maintained. Most of the industry of the place had been simply shut down without replacement, and the buildings left as they were, the strain of high population itself ended, and by now the last remnants of past pollution had long faded away entirely. The place left was pristine. The waters glittered with pure blue clarity and the beaches were long unbroken expanses of light sand. The whole of the island was something like an extended historical site, or something like a shrine. To him the image of what it was was overlaid with all it had been, and he could scarcely see the place without the weight of history, of meanings attached and importance imbued.

    All trainers went to Cinnabar before making their journeys throughout the rest of the region.

    He landed at the beach, on the edge of the dry sand, just beyond where the highest of the waves could reach, and continued the rest of the way more slowly, and walking. Not, as before, because of adults present and a desire to behave similarly mature under their attention, but of honest awe, the meaning of the place he stood in rendering him humble and reverent at even the smallest of things.

    He traveled through the side streets a bit, thinking of history and legend, until he noticed that the other children had begun to cluster and made his way to where the new trainers were collecting before the formal speech began.

    They eyed each other a bit shyly, minds inexpertly shielded and bodies fidgeting from nervousness and excitement despite their best efforts at adult composure. One boy's tail even thumped the ground once, like a baby's.

    It was an unfamiliar thing, being around so many other children and without the twin presences of their damas and madas, even with the reassuring solidity of so many adult minds around them. It lent additional weight to their surroundings as well, or perhaps their surroundings lent additional weight to the gathering. Deus was not sure who among them first thought Imagine, being the first. Your mind alone amid the empty world but it spread through the group in a quick ripple, responses rising up in its wake like muted thunder after lightning -
    not alone, truly, she'd have been
    none of them, no adults, alone
    both, the other way too, too, nothing sending
    alone
    no adults, no order, imagine just the chaos of your own first thoughts
    she'd have been, but not like an adult, not above
    alone
    only like a clever hypno, her, not an adult, not the same
    imagine doing that
    alone
    not alone


    The stabilizing focus of the adult swept over them, and they quieted, pulling back to only their own thoughts. Deus focused on the adult as he began to speak.

    It was nothing new, really, but in the excitement of what it meant and the place around him the importance of it swept him up and he hung on every word.

    "Here," the adult said, "was the beginning, and here too was the genesis of the end." And he spoke of history and legend. Of the place, of the first. Of the meaning of their journeys and the task before them. "We are the ones who were worthy to inherit. The world is yours and there is no higher calling than to have mastery over it." And he spoke of past and future, the familiar words made new to Deus by the surroundings and the undertaking before him. And they listened, spellbound, as he wove meaning into the world.

    When the speech over, the children split apart again. This was in part because they had different ideas of where they wished to go next, and in part because, much as some pokemon young would naturally gravitate together, they sought a minimum of distance, like repelling magnets.

    For Deus' part, he decided to seek his next pokemon then, wanting one from Cinnabar. Others spread out to explore the city or in the direction of the gym, with one or two going to the beaches to look for water types, and Deus headed toward the mountain.

    The mansion was at the base of the volcano, near the outskirts of the city. Nowhere was the museumlike preservation that pervaded the town so evident as at the blasted shell of the building, kept in a state of perpetually half-collapsed ruin. Weeds grew up around it but were kept in check from progressing further than a few pushing between the cracks in the ground and form transitioning from the fast growing soft greenery to older woody saplings. The roof had collapsed in places but all deterioration had been halted at some unknown point, and closer examination by more experienced eyes would have shown subtle but extensive work to keep the badly supported overhangs at the edge of the holes in place. Deus, though, was too intimidated to do more than stare up at it from the street. The idea of such destruction was alien to his own life, and subconsciously he stilled to almost a statue in response. Old legend and imposing present merged to something awe-filling, impressive and frightening.

    Before he left it he reached out impulsively to touch one of the wooden posts that made up the outer fence. It was splitting from water and heat and age, and under his focus it knit back together until it was whole and smooth.

    It was a common response to the place. The fenceposts were dotted with pristine new-looking beams and others just starting to show signs of wear, no two showing the same apparent age though they were all part of the same original structure.

    To destroy destruction he thought quietly, the words somewhere between a familiar prayer and comforting lullaby to him.









    Things might be clearer now. Or perhaps not. I can't know your thoughts, after all.

  9. #9
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    This looks pretty good! Write more!

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    First the good.

    1. You have a really original idea here, and so far it's working. The psychic types (I am assuming are under the Abra/Kadabra/Alakazam line, mainly because of the language you use.) communicating with little emotion is appropriate and the way you convey them are innovative enough.

    2. The mystery of the humans not being here is slowly becoming apparent, but more on that later. In the Cinnibar chapter you began to explain it finally, or at least drop some hints as to the absence of the human race.

    3. Your language and descriptions are very strong, although I feel at times they are long winded. You can cut them down slightly, but don't do so too much.

    Now some negatives.

    1. Despite the original idea, and characterization of Deus and everyone around him being accurate, the fic is lacking something major. Emotion. Everything is cold, calculated and mechanical it seems, which would fit the aforementioned evolution line well in terms of personality. You rarely show emotion, and when you do it is descriptive, physical emotions and pertain to the maturity level of the main character and the other immature characters around him.

    Nothing wrong with that, but it's only one half of a fully fledged character, and if your trying to go for the calculated mechanical thinker like it seems to be with both the narration and description, then this also becomes slightly out of place, unless you just attribute it to maturity. So unless you thought of this alreayd, it's something to look into, because in all honesty, if the main character is mechanical and has little to no emotion about anything that occurs in this world, it will be hard to create an interesting fic that people will read.

    2. While the descriptions are very strong, a lot of aspects are lacking, primarily your pokemon captures and battles are very short and minimal. It's obvious they fight, but the problem is they pale when compared to everything else that is around them. The Doduo encounter comes to mind. (It also is sort of unecessary to show that, because unless the Doduo was captured, and it didn't say if it was, then why show it?)


    3. The psychic powers as I said are appropriate and a nice touch, but you really need to be careful with this. Introducing them could lead to plot holes later on, such as why they need to use pokemon at all if they can just battle with their minds, or if a cataclysmic event occurs, can they stop it with their powers. Unless you have those things explained, be careful of that.

    Overall, you have a fresh idea here, your a good writer and with some adjustments I think you can create something really good here.
    The Journey (Rated R)

    A pokemon adventure that will take you on a journey through the lives of budding trainers.

    3DS friend code: 2981-6128-1202

    Local Vivillon: Polar Pattern. If you want one I shall send it.

  11. #11
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    Apr 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stoc15 View Post
    This looks pretty good! Write more!
    Thanks, I intend to! :D

    Quote Originally Posted by LinksOcarina View Post
    The psychic types
    Yes!

    (I am assuming are under the Abra/Kadabra/Alakazam line, mainly because of the language you use.)
    Er...

    Your language and descriptions are very strong, although I feel at times they are long winded. You can cut them down slightly, but don't do so too much.
    ^^; It's kind of an unfamiliar way of writing for me, I'm afraid. I'll work on it.

    So unless you thought of this alreayd, it's something to look into, because in all honesty, if the main character is mechanical and has little to no emotion about anything that occurs in this world, it will be hard to create an interesting fic that people will read.
    Well, I am trying for something pretty understated, but yes, you raise good points. Mm...his pokemon will kind of supply this, and Deus is less calm than he wishes he was, but compared to a human kid there's definitely a big gap.

    Will look into it.

    While the descriptions are very strong, a lot of aspects are lacking, primarily your pokemon captures and battles are very short and minimal. It's obvious they fight, but the problem is they pale when compared to everything else that is around them.
    Yep! :D

    The Doduo encounter comes to mind. (It also is sort of unecessary to show that, because unless the Doduo was captured, and it didn't say if it was, then why show it?)
    To show how Deus interacts with the world. He did it because he didn't like doduo, for reasons alluded to that'll get mentioned again, and that's his attitude with things he doesn't like.

    I mean, it wasn't very nice, beating something up just because you don't like it. Not very emotionless, either.

    The psychic powers as I said are appropriate and a nice touch, but you really need to be careful with this. Introducing them could lead to plot holes later on, such as why they need to use pokemon at all if they can just battle with their minds
    Is why the battles are treated as so unimportant. :D The apparent plotholiness is pretty much is the plot, and you're supposed to notice those kinds of things and figure out why as stuff gets revealed. (I swear it is thought out!) The psychic powers and weirdness of what's going on are what the plot revolves on. (I figure there's enough stories that are mostly just badges and battles as a focus)

  12. #12
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    First of all I must note that this review won’t be very long as you only have a few chapters up, it may just take me an hour or so to complete. *Sets stopwatch*

    Must note that I know you are banned, but after deliberation with others I decided to go through and review this.

    Now the formalities are out of the way to the actual fiction.

    Now perhaps here at the start, you could have put in a short ‘Authors Notes’ section that would basically explain all the things you would like to know before getting into reading it, perhaps add a little basis of the plot and what genre this would generally fall into.

    That was the kitchen. Dama was cooking, then.
    This bit to me seemed awful choppy. Perhaps it could have read, “That was the kitchen, it would seem Dama is cooking.”

    they finished eating more quickly than pn a normal morning
    I cannot decipher whether this was a typo or not the ‘pn’ part. I’m guessing its vestigial.

    Anyway, I read the first chapter finding myself utterly perplexed at who was doing what.

    I mean, First of all, all I have to go on is fur, a tail and can communicate telepathically for description and there are two adults of equally non-existent description, one called Dama, the other Mada. Okay, I’m guessing one is female and the other male, but only through my powers of deduction could I jump the gap to say that Mada is female because of the M (mum, mom, mother etc.) and Dama is male (Dad, daddy etc.)

    At least the ‘plot’ was easier to follow. ‘Kid’ wants to become trainer, gets pokeball, nuff sed.

    There were some birds, but he had no real interest in flying things, finding them bland and a bit absurd in their clumsy insistence on wings. The beedrill he came upon next he considered even less suitable. He looked at the bugs with an aloof but disgusted disdain as they tended their eggs and pupae, and he didn't even spare a glance for the weedle he passed, the small things chewing thoughtlessly at leaves. A pack of nidoran argued in excited, sharp sounds, oblivious to his presence, but after some consideration he decided against them for the moment.
    This part made no sense. What were these, I’m guessing at creatures with un-capitalised names? A Beedrill? A Weedle? Nidoran? I’m sure that without description you can’t possibly tell me what they are. Describe yourself, without using any description. You’re a name and a consciousness.

    They traded blows like this for several minutes
    Yawn. Who wants to read a Scratch fest, certainly not me and I’m sure a lot of other people.

    He stepped over to touch the battered sandshrew with one hand and recover it a second time
    How is that fair, the trainer can just continually heal his pokemon whilst the wild pokemon can do nothing but fight until exhausted, to quote an earlier reviewer “this fic is Boring. With a capital B.” However I might capitalise a few more letters to get more emphasis in there.

    Well you seem to put little emphasis on what the hell happened to ‘man’ and you said it would make it clearer? Not really, all I heard was a bloke talking about being worthy to inherit, and what you have here. The start, first pokemon, first capture (obviously here it was fused) first trainer battle, first trip to new town etc. Good, hell, even competent writers can make this stretch it out, perhaps not in more chapters as that would be too slow, but with lengthier description more emphasis on the people. (If this is so based on culture then why am I not picking any of it up, social interaction is as important than most things for judging culture.)

    Anyway. To sum this up nicely in one package.

    *snores* Sorry, must have dozed off there. Personally, I’ve read more entertaining coasters.

    The description is severely lacking and there is no sense of patience, you rush from one point to the next leaving a mangled corpse named description in your wake. Yes I know I’m mentioning it a lot, because it was that bad I thought I’d subconsciously drill it into your brain.

    You do however have a good use of words. Or a thesaurus, I’ll leave it up to you if you want to confess to either.

    Anyway I’d like to say that you have not hooked me as a reader and will not read this again, however much you update. 2.2 out of 10.

    And the time stops at 46:34:365 minutes to do this. Huzzah, a new record.

    Better luck next time.
    Skogsrĺ

    Gardenia never liked the Old Chateau, but what if the Old Chateau liked her?

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