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Thread: Everon ( Rated PG-13 for language )

  1. #1
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    Default Everon ( Rated PG-13 for language )

    Hey guys. This is my first fic. English is not my first language so kindly point out any spelling or grammatical errors that I may have made.

    Enjoy.

    *

    EVERON


    Chapter 1: The Cave


    The morning sky was crystal clear; cloudless and blue. A few Starly flitted across it and headed towards the Haven mountain range. Large and majestic, even though the mountain range took up a large part of Haven island very few humans visited it. Occasionally a few mountaineers would climb some of the shorter peaks just for the love of climbing and some archaeologists would look for rare stones and fossils. But the general population of the island avoided the range. Many odd legends were associated with them.


    But the mountains themselves were breathtaking. Six mountains, each of them with their own personality. Some were small and covered with forests while others were larger and snow-capped. At the centre of all of them, comparatively larger than the rest, was the spectacular inactive volcano: Mount Flara. Though it had been inactive for several years the mountaineers and scientists never ventured near it. The islanders believed that a Pokemon lived inside a cave close to the peak, deep in slumber, mightier than any other. And, very unusually, it was towards that very cave that a small group of humans and Pokemon were currently travelling.


    Giovanni flew on his Charizard towards the volcano while his small army of humans and Pokemon followed him on foot slowly, clumsily, sweating and swearing at the heat. Time had not fared well for Giovanni. He moved slowly as if each step hurt. He needed the help of a walking stick. His face had turned rough with wrinkles and pimples. And worst of all, according to him, his hair had turned grey. Closely behind him was a huge machine walking on long spider-like legs. The machine had been designed by Giovanni himself. It was the ultimate Pokemon catching machine complete with missile launchers, state-of-the-art capture nets and a pokeball storage facility designed to hold a 1000 ultra balls. Cost a small fortune but he hoped it would be worth it. But why all this trouble? What was all this for?

    For some time Team Rocket had been going downhill. The members were getting slower, clumsier, unable to commit even the mealiest of thieveries. The new employees were just wanabee, amateur kids who had absolutely no experience and all the while the police force was getting stronger. Major Team Rocket hideouts had been found and many of its members were arrested. Giovanni had no comfort from all of this. He was getting paranoid about the police finding out about his identity. He had even left his Gym to avoid getting caught. In the end he abandoned Team Rocket and lost all of his wealth, his respect, etc. He had moved to Ginzo changed his name to Dwayne Roberts and tried to start a new peaceful life. For you see, he was terribly afraid of jail. The mere thought of it frightened him and for all the crimes he had committed he would, most likely, get a life sentence and would spend the remaining years of his life in jail… which he had absolutely no intention of doing. Giovanni hated his new life. He had become so used to being wealthy and respected and bossing people around. But he continued with his new life getting a job at a local library where, completely by accident he discovered Everon.

    Everon. The ever living or, in other words, immortal Pokemon. It was one of the most powerful Pokemon in the world. In was in an ancient myths and legends book that Giovanni found the name. It was said to have destroyed entire cities and killed millions of people. At that exact moment all of Giovanni’s oaths and resolutions never to harm people or misuse Pokemon went right out of the window. He believed that this was the chance that he’d been waiting for. If he had the power to control Everon everything that he had lost would come back to him. But he didn’t know where Everon was. So he spent his free hours in the library, reading through hundreds of dusty hard covers, hoping that he would get a clue to where he had to go to find Everon.

    One day by chance that he discovered a reference to Everon in a book about Haven island

    MT. FLARA – One of the most famous landmarks
    on the island. It is an inactive volcano, one of the
    oldest in GINZO. Many odd myths are associated
    with it, the most famous being the legend of the
    Pokemon EVERON.


    Giovanni could hardly contain his excitement. He hurriedly began organizing a trip to Haven under the guise of a scientific expedition with his remaining money. In three months he was prepared.

    Giovanni’s Charizard landed on a strange rock formation a few meters away from the cave. His men stopped directly in front of it. A teenager’s voice piped up from small radio in his belt

    “Everyone is in place and awaiting your orders sir.”

    He stopped to think. From all he had heard about Everon, it was not going to be caught by a net.

    He spoke into the walkie-talkie, “Fire the missiles Arnold.”

    Arnold. A Havenian teenager whom Giovanni had recently employed. Young but talented, Arnold was in charge of all the people that Giovanni had hired.

    The talkie piped up again, “I’m sorry. Did I just hear you telling me to fire the missiles?”

    “You heard me.”

    “Whatever. It’s your ***.”

    The turret of the machine turned and faced the cave. There was a few seconds pause, after which two missiles were fired. Moments later there was an enormous explosion.

    The voice from the talkie said, “Now what, Your Lordship.”

    Giovanni, who was still staring unblinkingly at the cave, picked up the walkie-talkie and said softly, “Nothing. Do absolutely nothing.”

    “Sure. Nothing’s fine with me.”

    Giovanni frowned. The kid was a pain in the *** but he did the job well. And besides Giovanni was shorthanded and had very little time.

    A few minutes passed.

    “Should we be doing something or are you just paying us for staring at a cave.”

    Giovanni grunted. Typical of the new generation. Always bored

    “Fine Arnold. Send a few of your men into the cave,” he said turning to the Pokemon catcher where Arnold was seated. Arnold noticed him and showed him a rude gesture.

    “And you know what,” said Giovanni, his temperature rising, “You can escort them.”

    “Fine. Anything is better than sitting in this piece of ****.”

    But Arnold didn’t have time to even get out of the catcher because at that exact moment a high pitch shriek, which nearly shattered Giovanni’s eardrums, erupted from the cave.

    His Charizard roared back at the noise and began to look around the cave for the new threat. It didn’t have to wait long.

    “What the ****…,”

    “For once I completely agree with you.”

    Giovanni stared awestruck as the creature stepped outside the cave. It was a hippogriff with an eagle’s head and wings and a horse’s body. It was a beautiful blend of yellow and crimson and so bright that Giovanni couldn’t tell whether the color was that of its skin, fur, feathers or simply flames dancing around it.

    *

    Everon stared around at its visitors wondering who had attacked its home. Not that it was hurt of course. Trying to kill Everon with a missile was like trying to kill a Hippowdon with a needle. One of the humans on a Charizard was shouting orders at his companions. Everon’s memory of English was diminished (after all it had been living in a cave for a 1000 years) but if it’s memory served right he thought it went something like, “What the **** are you staring around for? Capture it!". It was then that Everon noticed the huge machine in front of it’s cave. It watched curiously as the turret slowly moved towards it. When the missile was fired Everon simply threw up a defensive shield. The missile bounced of it and proceeded to blacken the surface of a nearby mountain. Everon, still sleepy, yawned. Unfortunately this only seemed to make the little human angrier. He shouted more at the others and they started throwing Pokeballs at it. Now this made Everon angry. It was a 1000 year old legendary Pokemon with unrivalled power and now these humans were trying to capture it with Pokeballs. It was an insult. It let out another deafening roar and calmly proceeded to destroy the humans.

    *

    Giovanni stared helplessly as Everon started spitting fireballs at his employees. No matter how many Pokeballs the threw, how many missiles they fired or how many bullets they shot, all of them seemed to bounce of it. This, he thought, would be an ideal time to flee. “Go Charizard.” he said. As Charizard was about to take off Arnold managed to get a hold on its foot. As they were rising he called, “HEY PEABRAIN!”.

    Giovanni looked down, “Oh. Its you.”

    “YOU WANTED US TO CAPTURE THAT! ALMOST EVERYONE IS DEAD! YOUR’E INSANE!

    “Maybe I am Arnold. Maybe…”

    Giovanni kicked Arnold’s hand and didn’t even bother watching as Arnold fell a thousand feet into the crevices below. Giovanni took his walkie-talkie, set it to a different frequency and spoke into it.

    “Do it.”

    *

    Thanks for reading. The second chapter should be up in a few days. PLEASE review.
    Last edited by poke poke; 2nd May 2008 at 7:31 AM.

  2. #2
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    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I want to know what he has to "do"!!! Oh, this is pretty good. I didn't see any grammer or spelling mistakes, but I didn't really look. They tried to capture an immortal Pokemon with pokeballs..haha. Noobs.
    When you make mistakes, you can accept them and take responsibility, or you can blame it on your little brother! (reccomended)


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    Quote Originally Posted by MULTI_MEDIA_MAN View Post
    They tried to capture an immortal Pokemon with pokeballs..haha. Noobs.
    Too true...

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    No replies yet? I'm surprised.

    Chapter 2 up.

    *

    Chapter 2 : The Visitor



    Three weeks before :

    Mr. Amador poured himself a generous amount of coffee and sat back enjoying the silence. This was why he had moved to Haven after all, away from the noise and pollution of city life. You could say that he deserved it. He was an old man, in his late seventies. But he knew he didn’t. After what he had done, he deserved to be locked up in jail. After…

    He shook himself back to reality. That was twenty years ago, he thought. No point worrying about what was past. He sipped his coffee and licked his lips. He had forgotten that sugar again. No matter. It still tasted alright. He looked out of the window into his garden at a combee buzzing at a nearby flower, apparently searching for nectar. Beyond the gate a nine-year old kid stopped in front of his house on a bicycle. Little Jeremy bring the newspaper. Mr. Amador put his coffee down and began to get up to open the door for him. But as Jeremy was walking up the pathway to his house he was stopped by a man in an oversized hat. Mr. Amador watched as he took the newspaper from Jeremy, talked to him for a few moments and proceeded towards Amador’s doorstep newspaper in hand while Jeremy cycled away. There were two knocks on his door. Mr. Amador opened it and the man at the doorstep smiled.

    “Your newspaper sir,” he said

    Mr. Amador frowned. “Who are you?” he asked.

    The man removed his hat to reveal a heavily wrinkled face and short grey hair. “Remember me know?” the man asked.

    Amador’s eyes widened. He recognized the face. It was older since he had last seen it bur recognizable anyway. Giovanni.

    “You.” he croaked.

    “Calm down..”

    “How dare you,” Amador said, stepping back as if Giovanni carried a deadly disease. “How dare you come to my house. Get out.”

    “Wait just listen to me.”

    “GET OUT!” Amador screamed. He snatched something that was close to him and threw it at Giovanni. And that something turned out to be his cup of coffee.

    “AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!” Giovanni cries as hot coffee splashed into his face. Amador ran to punch Giovanni in the face but Giovanni saw him. He caught Amador’s clenched fist and twisted his arm behind his back. Amador screamed as the pain ran through his body.

    “Now calm down,” said Giovanni, hardly calm himself. He resisted the impulse to whack Amador and instead spoke calmly into his ear, “Take a deep breath and calm down.” Amador did as he was told. Giovanni looked around to see whether there were anymore cups of coffee before releasing him.

    “Take a seat.” Giovanni said.

    “What do you want?” Amador snapped back.

    “Sit down and I’ll tell you.”

    They sat in armchairs opposite to each other and Amador took in more of Giovanni’s appearance.

    He wore a black suit over a white top. His hat was one on of the arms of the chair. His black walking stick with a gold handle lay at his side. On his lap was a small briefcase. He wore a strange purple and red polka-dotted tie around his neck. Amador couldn’t help himself. “Nice tie.” he said suppressing a snicker.

    Giovanni started, “Now look here I..” and then he stopped himself. He did something with his face and it was apparently supposed to look like a kind smile but just looked like he was in pain. “Quite a small place you’ve got here.” he continued.

    “I’m unemployed and 77. What did you expect?”

    Giovanni chose not to answer. “Would you like to make some more money for yourself?” he asked.

    “Where’s this going Giovanni?”

    “Answer me.”

    “Not really. The Havenian old gentlemen’s fund supports me fine.”

    “What about respect?”

    “People here respect me enough…”

    “I’m not talking about the people here.” Giovanni interrupted. “I’m talking about the world. You are a forgotten name Professor Amador.”

    “Get to the point.”

    Giovanni opened his briefcase and took out a small flask.

    “And what is that supposed to be?”

    “This,” he said placing it carefully back in the briefcase, “is a sample of DNA from the Pokemon Everon.

    Amador stared at him, his heart racing. He knew where this was going. “NO!” he exclaimed, “I am not going to do it. I am not going to make the same mistake twice.”

    “Just hear me out. I know its my fault that you are in this state Professor but I want to give you back all that you have lost. We all learn from our mistakes I’m sure we both won’t make the same again.”

    “You’re acting like I want to do this.”

    “Think about it. If I succeed this time I’ll be rich and you’ll be famous. You’ll have a fully funded laboratory of your own and you’ll be able to do whatever you want.”

    “My decision stands.”

    Giovanni got up. “Think about it. You can give me your answer when I come back tomorrow.”

    Amador too got up. “Your wasting your time Giovanni.”

    He put his hat back on. “I don’t think I am.”

    With that he turned and left, leaving Amador thinking.

    No, Amador thought. Another monster could not be created. Not after Mewtwo.

    *

    I know its a bit short. I wanted to combine chapter 2 and 3 but that would have just been...too long. ':l
    Last edited by poke poke; 3rd May 2008 at 6:58 PM.

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    Nice! Just got to reading chapter two! Hmmm...Giovanni...strange...
    When you make mistakes, you can accept them and take responsibility, or you can blame it on your little brother! (reccomended)


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    Looks like MULTI MEDIA MAN is the only person reading...
    Oh well...

    *

    Chapter 3: Denial



    The professor lay down staring at the flames and at the silhouette of the Pokemon behind it.

    “We dreamed of creating the worlds strongest Pokemon…” he said unaware if anyone could hear him.

    Mewtwo pushed the flames away using his psychic powers. A blue sphere surrounded him. It was growing larger every second.

    “…and we succeeded.”

    BOOM!

    The explosion was tremendous. The wall behind the professor blew apart and he flew backwards landing in a heap a few meters away.

    I’m sure we both won’t make the same mistakes again…

    He groaned. Warm blood trickled down his face dampening his beard. He could feel that his leg was broken. But what surprised him most was that he had survived.

    He heard the sound of a helicopter and followed it’s progress through the sky towards the island. His head was throbbing. He was losing consciousness. The helicopter landed and a tall man in an orange suit stepped out with a Persian. Giovanni glanced at the professor in the distance and shook his head pityingly.

    It’s my fault that you are in this state…

    As Giovanni made his way into the destroyed laboratory, Amador realized that he couldn’t stay there forever. He tried getting to his feet but failed. With his remaining energy he crawled towards the port, which was thankfully close by, and climbed on to a boat which was not destroyed by the explosion. He was still bleeding. He tore a piece of his lab uniform and wrapped it tightly around his head. He turned towards the motor sending a sharp dose of pain across his leg. He pulled the string. The boat revved up and moved away from the island. His headache was becoming worse. After a few minutes he knew he couldn’t stay awake any longer and passed out.

    I want to give you back all that you have lost…lost…




    Amador woke up with his head aching. He looked around dazed confused. It was a dream all along. So… the meeting with Giovanni… was it…? No, he thought, even if he tried to convince his mind his heart would tell him the truth.

    He got up and went into the kitchen to get an aspirin. When he returned, he went to his desk and opened a drawer. From it he took out a photo of himself with his colleagues for the Mew expedition. It was his one link to his past. He stared at everyone’s happy faces and realized that he missed his old life. The many times he tried to dispose of the photo, he couldn’t bring himself to it. He liked living in Haven but wondered if he had made the right choice. He got into bed with a throbbing head and an undecided decision.

    *

    Amador sat near the window again patiently waiting for Giovanni to come. He spotted him outside wearing the same clothes he had worn the day before but without the briefcase. Amador opened the door.

    “Well you’re early.” he said glumly.

    “You don’t look too well.”

    “Not enough sleep. No need to tell you the cause of that. Come in.”

    They both sat down and Amador spoke, “Would you like something too drink.”

    “No thank you. Have you made your decision?”

    Amador said nothing.

    “Well?”

    “Let me ask you a question Giovanni. Why do you want to do this?”

    Giovanni was taken aback.

    “Is it for the same reasons you’ve offered me? Wealth… respect…? Don’t you already have those?”

    “No.”

    It was Amador’s turn to look surprised. “What do you mean?”

    “Team rocket is over. I have lost everything.”

    “And if your plan is successful you hope to get everything back. Is that right?”

    “Yes.”

    “Will that make you happy?”

    Giovanni hesitated and thought about it.

    I don’t know Amador bit it is something that I have to do.”

    “Answer something else and please be truthful. Will people die.”

    Giovanni thought for a moment. “Maybe…”

    “I also miss my old days of fame and power but if getting it back means killing people and you ruling the world… I’d rather not.”

    Giovanni got up. “That was all I needed.”

    “Wha…”

    “I knew I should have gone with force but I thought you would accept. No matter.”

    Giovanni took out an ultra ball from one of his pockets, enlarged it and flung it into the air. There was a flash of white light and as the pokeball returned to Giovanni’s hand, the white light materialized into an Alakazam.

    “Giovanni…”

    “Do you think,” Giovanni’s voice became harsher, “that I’d give up just because a foolish old man said no to my requests.”

    “You’re insane. Do you think that you can take over the world with Everon? Don’t you think anyone can stop you?”

    “No. I don’t. Alakazam, hypnotize.”

    At once Alakazam’s eyes became bright red. Amador’s and Alakazam’s eyes met. Amador was mesmerized. The eyes were beautiful. He couldn’t look away, for if he did, he knew he would die.

    A high clear voice said, “I have him.”

    Giovanni smiled. The voice seemed to come from all directions at once but he knew it was Alakazam who spoke. “Fine. Follow me.”

    Alakazam turned to Amador. “Move.”

    Amador heard the voice in his head. It was the creature whom the eyes belonged to. He didn’t see any reason to disobey. He did as he was told.

    The trio left the house and got into Giovanni’s jeep. They left the suburbs and headed towards the forest. After a short ride, they reached a small building. Giovanni took out a remote from his pocket and pressed a button. The door opened. It was a laboratory similar to the one on the island where Mewtwo was created. The two humans and the Pokemon went inside. On a table in a corner was the flask containing Everon’s DNA. Giovanni handed it to Alakazam. “You know what to do.”

    The Pokemon nodded as he watched Giovanni leave the building.

    *

    Now that we know who the villian is we need to know who the heroes are. Stay tuned for Chapter: 4.

  7. #7
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    Why does it go from first chapter having four paragraphs of description pretty much, to lines of it, then more so for the next chapter? Making watery chapters isn't really good, it leaves out alot that can make a fic better.

    Namely depth, ya'know.

    And why would Giovanni want a machine, the ultimate thing is a Masterball, or surely something on Par with Lawerences' [how was his name spelled anyways >>] device of capturing legendaries, even Lugia. Missiles and nets just seems below par to energy nets and the ilk he had at his disposal.

    Outside the lack of description, the chapters are short, you're able to catch character emotion when it's needed, but without everything else, it falls flat on its face and fails to deliver much. Surely you could have described Everon better too, given the fact there are no griffon pokemon in the manga/anime/etc and it would have been better off describing the animal then just saying, a Hippogriff appeared and then describing it to a minimal way.

    No, Amador thought. Another monster could not be created. Not after Mewtwo.
    Game wise; Mew gave birth to Mewtwo, Giovanni went for it with the Master Ball. Well wanted the item to use atleast.

    Manga wise: Mewtwo was created, Blaine had the masterball.

    Anime wise: NO ONE REMEMBERS MEWTWO. No one survived too; seriously with an explosion like that? And doubt there were any boats, and Giovanni probably had it cleaned up.

    Sorry but it just feels a bit ... ug can't find the word but do you really think Giovanni would use a failed way, to clone something stronger than Mew/Mewtwo. I know the man wants power but usually he learns and tries another approach to what he wants.

    This fic does have promise, if you start adding length and a bit more detail/depth to it, leave it without this rushed feeling.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    Why does it go from first chapter having four paragraphs of description pretty much, to lines of it, then more so for the next chapter?
    What?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    And why would Giovanni want a machine, the ultimate thing is a Masterball, or surely something on Par with Lawerences' [how was his name spelled anyways >>] device of capturing legendaries, even Lugia. Missiles and nets just seems below par to energy nets and the ilk he had at his disposal.
    Master balls are extremely rare. If Giovanni could get them so easily why didn't he catch Mewtwo, or for that matter, any other Legendary Pokemon with a master ball?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    Game wise; Mew gave birth to Mewtwo, Giovanni went for it with the Master Ball. Well wanted the item to use atleast.

    Manga wise: Mewtwo was created, Blaine had the masterball.

    Anime wise: NO ONE REMEMBERS MEWTWO. No one survived too; seriously with an explosion like that? And doubt there were any boats, and Giovanni probably had it cleaned up.
    This follows the anime. I wanted to include this in the second chapter but forgot.

    Giovanni did lose his mind but encountring a person or object related or from the past can bring your memory back. Smart as he was, Amador didn't bother changing his name when he moved to Haven and Giovanni stumbled upon it while going through a file listin all the people in Haven. Thus getting his memory back.

    There had to be boats. It was an island.

    Side note: Amador's name, though not mentioned is the movie, is Smith. Go figure.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    Sorry but it just feels a bit ... ug can't find the word but do you really think Giovanni would use a failed way, to clone something stronger than Mew/Mewtwo. I know the man wants power but usually he learns and tries another approach to what he wants
    The reason for creating the clone will be revealed later.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    This fic does have promise, if you start adding length and a bit more detail/depth to it, leave it without this rushed feeling.
    I'll try to make the next Chapter better thank you.

    The next Chapter may be delayed since I have been grounded. But I'll have it up in a few weeks.
    Last edited by poke poke; 10th May 2008 at 12:41 PM.

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    Okay, here I am! ^.^;; I know you wanted it before chapter three and I did try to do that, but I got tied up in RL stuff… sorry! Here’s the review on chapters one and two, anyhow.

    So far, this is decent enough, if maybe a little short, but that’s okay because your chapters mostly say what they need to, even if they could do with a little more description.

    I found this interesting because even though it’s a fairly generic ‘gotta catch a Legendary’, this story is still unique for two reasons: one, it’s set in the future, so Giovanni’s an old bum who’s trying to regain his glory days, putting a unique perspective on the fic; two, it’s from Giovanni’s point of view, so we get good insight into his motivations. It has quite a bit of potential to be a good Rocket-orientated fic, especially since it’s set ‘after the fall’, as it were, so good job on that.

    Still on the subject of Giovanni, because this is a future-fic there’s a bit more leeway for his characterisation, but there’s still some things I thought were worth bringing up. Firstly, in chapter one, Giovanni’s attitude to Arnold is a bit weird. I mean, doesn’t he care that Arnold treats him like dirt? Especially because he’s lost everything, Giovanni is less likely to take crap from anyone; he wants to get his respect back, so he’s not going to let some teenager mouth off at him like that. Arnold can’t be the only one with skills in Haven; why didn’t he choose someone who was less insolent? Plus, even though Giovanni’s lost everything, you didn’t say anything about him having lost his pokémon, and even if he had he’s still an exceptional trainer so he could just train more (and, judging by that charizard, did). Which means that despite the fact that he doesn’t have the resources he used to, he’d still be able to kick Arnold’s butt. Giovanni’s just not that tolerant, and not only does he not strike me as the type to become more tolerant with age, in most other places you haven’t really portrayed him as becoming more tolerant with age, just more bitter.

    The other point I wanted to bring up was in the second chapter, during Giovanni’s confrontation with Amador, which is kind of similar to the problem I just pointed out. He’s just too… tolerant. Giovanni, especially a jaded and bitter Giovanni, would not tell someone to ‘calm down’ or plead them to ‘just listen’. Giovanni would smirk and say ‘yes, me’ or ‘oh, so you do remember me’ or something equally obnoxious. He would order them to listen. He would order them to take a seat. He would not admit that it was his fault things turned bad the last time (unless he believe it would help him convince Amador, and even then he wouldn’t be happy about having to admit it). True, he would know that he couldn’t order Amador to perform the experiments he wants, but he wouldn’t be happy when Amador refuses, and he would probably sound threatening when he says he’s going to come back, or at the very least like he expects Amador to change his mind.

    Giovanni is a person with a lot of confidence in himself, a lot of arrogance in his ability to manipulate people. If he’s willing to fall back into his habits of catching Legendaries then I can imagine it would be easy for him to fall back into his old mentality too. A little like he doesn’t view pokémon as equals, he doesn’t exactly consider people to be his equals either—or very few of them, at least. They’re tools or they’re obstacles.

    There’s not much to say about Arnold except to reiterate that his interaction with Giovanni is a bit flawed, but as character with obvious attitude he could be decently interesting considering that Giovanni’s not the type to take mouth from anyone.

    We haven’t seen much of Amador either, but I like the fact that he has the balls to take Giovanni on. He’s an old guy, but he’s got spirit. I can see him not giving into Giovanni, or being forced to give in for some reason or another and still being insolent the whole way through. ^^ Giovanni needs a snarky character to annoy the hell out of him, and Amador is his own age and more on his level, as opposed to Arnold, who’s just a brat who thinks he knows everything. I’d have liked to see a bit more detail on his thought process, but I’ll get into that a bit later.

    Okay, so that’s it on the characters, now onto the plot… I’m afraid there’s going to be a bit more on this, there are a few flaws. The biggest thing is how Team Rocket got to be where it is now. As it stands, it just sounds like Giovanni up and left Team Rocket because he got scared the police would find out his identity. This would have been a fear he had for a long time, hence the reason he dedicated so much effort to hiding his identity, so the fact that he randomly decides to act on the fear doesn’t make sense. And if that isn’t the reason why he up and abandoned Team Rocket, you haven’t explained the reason.

    Some of what you said sounds like a reference to the RBG/FRLG games, in which Giovanni is defeated and decides to disband the Rockets, but at the same time it’s like it was his own decision to give up his wealth. And really, if he liked being rich and powerful that much, he wouldn’t have just given it up; he would have taken it with him and figured out a way to create a new life that’s just as rich and powerful as his old one. If he still had his wealth and power to use at that point in time, he would have used it. Really the only way he could have lost everything is if there was a total breakdown of the Team and the police seized his property and assets and he was forced to run with nothing.

    And even then, considering this is Giovanni we’re talking about, who is the leader of the biggest crime syndicate in the pokémon world and, what’s more, the anonymous leader of the biggest crime syndicate in the pokémon world, he would have had backup plans. He would have had money stashed away somewhere so he could retire healthy and wealthy.

    He would not have left himself out in the cold.

    Except, perhaps, if someone who knew about all his secret caches of money and all his plans betrayed him for some reason so the Law seized all of it at once (or the Law somehow somewhere found all of the caches themselves), but considering the loyalty of his highest-ranking subordinates and his perchance not to confide completely in anyone, that’s unlikely (to say nothing of being a story entirely unto itself).

    Plus, the idea that the Team itself is going downhill is a bit, well… unlikely. You’ve made it sound like the biggest contributor for its downfall, whereas the police are getting stronger. Why, are all the strongest trainers deciding to become cops? Are none of the strongest trainers interested in power and wealth or care about how they’re going to get it? Not every strong trainer is a good guy. Let’s face it, there’s a bell curve. Sure, there’s going to be some crap operatives coming into the Team, but there’s going to be some good ones too, and even if there’s more crap ones coming in than there have been in previous years there’s still the highly trained and experienced ones who have been with Team Rocket for ages. What, are they all deciding to retire or something?

    Also, Team Rocket takes its goals very seriously. Even if crap operatives do join the Team, they’re not going to just be thrown out randomly; they’re going to be given training to make sure they’re able to pull off the missions, and if they’re not good enough to be an asset, then they’ll be ditched. Failure equals a not-very-nice consequence, which motivates them not to fail. Simple.

    It’s true that the game Rocket agents tend to be on the weak side, but essentially that is just a game mechanic to make the hero seem even greater. Otherwise, their dedication—in any canon—is a pretty good indication that the Team takes its goals seriously, and if they take them seriously they’re not going to risk everything on a rookie agent who would jeopardise a mission.

    So yes, Giovanni’s position at having lost everything needs some thought. I can see it happening, but it needs to be done properly and it would probably require being a part of the plot, or at least a fairly major part of Giovanni’s character development (as you explain how he got to where he was over the course of the story, perhaps). It just needs to have stronger reasoning for having happened than you’ve currently got. Or perhaps his new life is a wealthy one and he’s trying to stay quiet to hold to his vows of giving up world domination, but then ends up unable to resist the temptation anyway.

    Moving on, the whole spiel about the ‘new’ Team Rocket being incompetent is kind of over the top as well. I mean, didn’t Giovanni look up his old subordinates and see how they were? Not all of them could have been dead or in jail, there’s a reason Team Rocket was highly feared, after all—it couldn’t have become as notorious as it did if its members were all soft since its beginning.

    And even if Giovanni’s old subordinates didn’t want to, or couldn’t, get involved (which I doubt would happen; there would likely be someone just waiting for the opportunity to come back, supported by the games and manga with the old members trying to revive the Team/joining Neo Team Rocket), no matter how talented Arnold is, he can’t be the only person with skills in the whole of Haven. Likewise, he wouldn’t be the only one with skills in any of the other regions; I don’t know where Haven is located, but considering how much Giovanni wants this to succeed he’s not going to settle for incompetents—if he can’t find what he wants in Haven he would go elsewhere.

    Even if he didn’t have the finances to do that overly much (and that’s depending on if the ‘lost everything’ take is handled well enough) there will be people to hire other than a smart-alec teenager—don’t try to tell me the entire adult criminal population is incompetent with regards to training/administration/whatever it is Arnold does. Just don’t.

    I notice you did mention that Giovanni ‘had very little time’—but why? What, is he expecting someone else to sweep in and take Everon before him despite the fact that no one’s dared to do so for something like a millennium? Or is he being pursued? Does the Law know about him? If this is all true, then it’s even more important for him to have someone he can trust (as far as Giovanni ever does get to trusting someone) or at least rely on as his second-in-command, not someone who’s going to mouth back at him (not that he would take being mouthed back at in the first place).

    Okay, on to the way they go about catching—trying to catch—Everon. Giovanni’s had at his disposal extremely sophisticated technology; when he tries recapturing Mewtwo he even manages (and probably would have succeeded) if not for interference. This time, there is no interference, so if he could get hold of that kind of technology again he’s set. And since it’s set, what, twenty or so years after the general Pokémon timeline, imagine how much further technology has been developed. Throwing pokéballs (if I recall, there are only pokéballs in the anime, not great balls etc) at a Legendary strikes me as a little stupid, especially for someone with so much experience in pokémon capturing techniques, let alone even considering the nets (yes, he chose not to use them, but the fact that he thought of it indicates that he had prepared for that eventuality).

    Also, the end of the first chapter is a cliff-hanger, yes, but it also implies that Giovanni has a second plan. I’m gong to go out on a limb and assume that this second plan, whatever it is, works.

    Now, if this second plan is more effective than the first plan, why did he use it first? Attempting something which has less chance of succeeding does nothing except waste resources, human and monetary. It’s inefficient. If Giovanni’s really as strapped for cash as you say he is, he’s going to go for the most efficient, least costly way of capture. He’s not going to fumble around with stupid operatives hoping one of them will succeed. He will do what works first, instead of leaving it until last. Even if Giovanni is slightly insane, he’s a businessman, and an efficiency/cost ratio is one thing he understands.

    Some smaller chapter one holes include the bit with Everon and Giovanni’s charizard. I actually thought the piece from Everon’s perspective wasn’t a bad idea, but come on, it’s been sleeping for a thousand years and it still understands the language? Language can change a lot in just a century, what do you think ten of them would do? There’s no way Everon would still be able to understand what they’re saying.

    As a side note, I wouldn’t recommend identifying the language as English. Why? Well, Pokémon is based on a Japanese setting. The logical thing would be to assume the language is Japanese. On the other hand, the translated version, which you’re obviously using since you’re using English names, is going to be English. But it’s still a Japanese setting. Of course, you could also say it’s a world entirely unto itself and thus should have its own language, but let’s not go there. And none of that sounded as logical as it did in my head. XD It’s probably just me, but it might eliminate any potential inconsistencies if you just… yanno, didn’t identify the language.

    Anyway, also with the Everon bit, I noticed you said it ‘threw up a defensive shield’. What, did it suddenly become a starship? Pokémon don’t have ‘defensive shields’. The closet thing they have is probably the Reflect attack. Since Everon’s a Legendary it isn’t too far out of the way to believe a Reflect attack could be powerful enough to deflect missiles, but even then, without it even feeling the strain of trying to maintain it? Maybe it’s just because of the weak attacks Giovanni was trying to use, but it seemed a little overpowered—I mean, it’s fine if the missiles and whatnot don’t hurt it, but it should still be using energy trying to defend itself.

    Okay, the charizard—not a mistake per se, I just want to make sure it’s been thought out. I mean, Giovanni does favour ground-type pokémon and there are ground/flying types (or ground/pokémon that can fly types). Vibrava and flygon spring to mind. Plus something like claydol, as a part psychic-type, would be able to use teleport if it’s escaping he’s worried about. So yeah, just consider exactly why you decided to give him a charizard—if it’s just because you like the pokémon, you might want to consider changing it; this is Giovanni, so he should have pokémon that cater to his tastes.

    Of course, this is the anime and the anime seems to combine the character of Giovanni with GSC Viridian leader’s habit for using a varied team, but meh. All that said, Giovanni with a charizard doesn’t annoy me all that much. :P I just felt obliged to point it out.

    Okay, second chapter. The first thing isn’t really a plothole, per se, because it doesn’t necessarily need to be answered right away, but I am wondering—how did Giovanni get the DNA sample? I mean, if no one’s been near Everon for yonks, then how do they know enough about its habits and habitats to find a sample to begin with? And if it’s been in hibernation for so long, it’s more likely it hasn’t really been anywhere, and that the world has changed dramatically since it was awake and roaming so any kind of DNA left behind could be gone (if they even knew where to start looking for it in the first place). So yah, just something to consider.

    About the cloning thing… Yami Ryu has a point about Giovanni usually trying something different once it becomes clear that route has failed. Then again, there are probably a number of ways to clone a pokémon, like cloning it without its self-will, or something along those lines… does that count as ‘different enough’? Mmm, anyway.

    Since it’s an OC it’s not completely unbelievable that Amador might not have been on the island at the time of it’s destruction—IMO, it’s also not completely unbelievable that some higher-ranked operative not on the Mewtwo recovery mission (the one in Johto) might have known about Mewtwo and thus been able to remember it and remind Giovanni. That, or perhaps there were mission reports about the first Mewtwo incident and Giovanni read them. As far as I am aware, Mewtwo only removed the memories of those who were there at the time—nothing about destroying evidence, reports, data, etc. So it’s workable.

    One final thing—you say that Amador got up to answer the door, making it sound as though the door was quite a distance from where he was sitting, but then his coffee mug is the nearest thing when he goes to throw something at Giovanni. I had to reread those bits because I didn’t get how the coffee mug could suddenly be there. This can be corrected by giving a brief description of the room (so we know that the door is actually close by) or by saying that Amador took his coffee with him and only set it down to actually open the door.

    Your pacing is generally fairly good, except with the snippet from Everon’s perspective, which could be a little longer and offer more detail, particularly with regard to Everon’s emotions. As it stands the scene just seems like a convenient tool to have a scene break because you weren’t quite sure how to write that scene from Giovanni’s perspective (although what else are scene breaks for, really? :P), but it could be a really effective device. Adding more description will generally make things longer, though, and that’s next on my list of things to address, so…

    Uhm, yes. On to language use. Like Yami Ryu said, your description is a bit inconsistent—you begin chapter 1 quite descriptively, but the rest of it and most of chapter 2 is pretty much dialogue or explaining facts (in other words, ‘telling’) and not much description. Using the bit with the coffee mug as an example, this can be a problem if there isn’t enough information for the reader to tell exactly what’s happening… plus, it leaves the story a little bit bare.

    For instance, I don’t think you ever give us Arnold or Amador’s description; what do they look like? Blonde, black-haired, grey—blue eyes, brown—what kind of clothes do they wear? You’ve set the scene with a descriptive beginning, so really it’s your responsibility to follow through with as much description for the rest of the story. That’s what Yami Ryu meant by ‘watery’, because there’s something there, but it’s not enough to give really good flavour. Sort of how when you put too much water in a glass of cordial, you can’t really taste it. Description has the same sort of principle—too little cordial and it’s watery; too much and it’s way too sweet.

    So things like what colours the characters are wearing, what they look like, a description of Everon (rather than just ‘hippogriff), what Amador’s house looks like, what colour armchairs he has… and so on and so on. Don’t go overboard, but showing us a bit more of the world you’re trying to portray; it’s like the meat on the bones.

    Plus, there’s more to description than just telling us what things look like—there’s emotional description as well. With the Everon bit in particular, it felt a bit flat and impersonal. You just said ‘it felt annoyed’ or something like that; actually describing how it felt annoyed (like maybe it snarled, or it’s eyes narrowed, or something) would go a long way towards giving us insight into Everon’s emotions. Plus, well, you say it’s annoyed but then it ‘calmly’ destroys the humans? Bit contradictory.

    Some more specific errors in language use:

    Large and majestic, even though the mountain range took up a large part of Haven island very few humans visited it. Occasionally a few mountaineers would climb some of the shorter peaks
    Repetition of the word ‘few’, there; you could probably just say ‘occasionally mountaineers would climb’, so it’s fairly easy to fix.


    But the mountains themselves were breathtaking. Six mountains, each of them with their own personality.
    Repetition of ‘mountains’. You could change the second sentence to ‘there were six of them, each with their own personality’ and it would be fine.


    Giovanni could hardly contain his excitement. He hurriedly began organizing a trip to Haven under the guise of a scientific expedition with his remaining money. In three months he was prepared.
    This paragraph is referring to something that happened in the past, but the tenses used makes it sound like it’s happening now and the wording is a bit confusing. It should be something like, ‘Giovanni had hardly been able to contain his excitement. He had hurriedly begun organizing a trip to Haven using his remaining money, under the guise of a scientific expedition.’ Nah, not quite. Maybe, ‘He had hurriedly used his remaining money to organize a trip to Haven, under the guise of a scientific expedition.’ Yeah, that’s much better. But anyway.


    Also, it would be a good idea to check each post just before you submit it, because the forums automatically censor swearwords and it can be jarring to come across the asterisks. You can get around it, however, by putting one letter of a word into a different font—just be sure you edit in a warning for language at the start of each chapter with language.

    Okay, so now we’re on to the grammatical aspect of things, lucky last. I’m not going to point out every single error, but I’ll note which ones you’ve repeated so you can keep an eye out for them next time. The grammar isn’t as important as all the stuff I mentioned before—I mentioned the most important stuff first—because all that’s stuff the story depends on. Grammar is just about aesthetics.

    Before I get into the details… some of the spacing is a bit weird. Like, you have two spaces between the first and second paragraphs, and then the second and third paragraphs. They only need one. You’ve done the same thing with the little ‘about Everon’ blurb thing and the paragraph after it, too. Plus, you have two spaces between the chapter one title and the first paragraph and three spaces between the chapter two title and the first paragraph—you should be keeping it consistent (and no, it’s really not that important, but if it’s going to be done it may as well be done right).

    So here we go:

    The morning sky was crystal clear; cloudless and blue.
    Should be a comma instead of a semi-colon.


    Large and majestic, even though the mountain range took up a large part of Haven island very few humans visited it.
    ‘Island’ is part of a name so it should have a capital. Also, I’m teetering between having a comma after ‘island’ or not… could go either way, probably.


    But the general population of the island avoided the range. Many odd legends were associated with them.
    This one’s a little confusing—that ‘them’ should be an ‘it’. Why? Well, a range is a series of mountains, yes, but it’s also a singular entity. One mountain range, two mountain ranges, three mountain ranges, see? You’re referring only to the mountain range itself, not to the individual mountains, so it should be singular.


    clumsier, unable to commit even the mealiest of thieveries. The new employees were just wanabee, amateur kids who had absolutely no experience
    You want ‘measliest’; for something to be ‘mealy’ means that it’s granular in texture. Plus, ‘wannabe’ is spelt like that; and some people would disagree with me, but I’d say you don’t need the comma after it.


    In the end he abandoned Team Rocket and lost all of his wealth, his respect, etc. He had moved to Ginzo changed his name to Dwayne Roberts
    Okay, writing tip: don’t say ‘etc’ in a story. Just like you wouldn’t say ‘Prof’ instead of ‘Professor’, especially if it’s in dialogue, you should spell out words to their most complete form (the exceptions are number dates—which don’t necessarily need to be spelt out unless it’s your style—or the numbers 100 and up). So either say everything he lost, or say something like, ‘lost all of his wealth, his respect, everything!’ to sort of reinforce the situation.

    Plus, ‘Ginzo’ needs a comma after it.


    He had become so used to being wealthy and respected and bossing people around. But he continued with his new life getting a job at a local library where, completely by accident he discovered Everon.
    These sentences feel like they should be connected, so you should probably make them one. Plus, ‘accident’ needs a comma after it.


    Everon. The ever living or, in other words, immortal Pokemon.
    Should probably be hyphenated.


    Giovanni grunted. Typical of the new generation. Always bored

    Fine Arnold. Send a few of your men into the cave,
    ‘Bored’ needs a fullstop after it, and that comma at the end of the dialogue should be a fullstop too.

    Plus, ‘fine’ needs a comma after it—this is one of the mistakes you repeated a bit. When someone says a name—or a title, such as ‘mister’ or ‘sir’—it needs to have a comma before and after it (unless it’s the end of a sentence, of course, in which case it doesn’t need a comma after it, but a fullstop).


    “What the ****…,
    No comma at the end. Plus just an example of those annoying asterisks.


    Giovanni looked down, “Oh. Its you.”
    The comma after ‘down’ should be a fullstop. Plus, ‘its’ needs an apostrophe—‘it’s’. An easy way to remember when words like that should have an apostrophe is to stretch out the sentence into its fullest form—in this case it would be ‘it is you’. Things which can stretch to have ‘is/are/have’ and so on after them need an apostrophe.


    Three weeks before :
    There shouldn’t be a space between ‘before’ and the colon. Same with the ‘chapter two’ title.


    “Calm down..”

    “How dare you,” Amador said, stepping back as if Giovanni carried a deadly disease. “How dare you come to my house. Get out.”
    First, the ellipsis (the series of three fullstops) is really only two fullstops in a row; it needs another one. Second, the fullstop after ‘house’ could be something stronger—like an exclamation mark, for instance.


    Amador too got up. “Your wasting your time Giovanni.”

    He put his hat back on. “I don’t think I am.”
    That ‘too’ makes the sentence seem clumsy; it would go better at the end. The ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’—just like the ‘it is’ thing, this would stretch to ‘you are’, so it needs an apostrophe. ‘Time’ needs a comma after it, since a name follows.

    ‘He’ refers to Giovanni, but the last person who was performing an action was Amador, so you should actually say ‘Giovanni’ rather than just ‘he’, to specify exactly who’s doing it.


    And I think I’m done. ^^ This story has potential, but some of the inconsistencies make it seem a bit far-fetched in terms of characterisation and plot logic. Still, they can be fixed with a bit of reworking—don’t be afraid to edit if you need to!

    Good luck with writing more of the story!

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