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Thread: The Grudge (PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Default The Grudge (PG-13)

    Well, this is my first fanfic and one-shot. Rated Pg-13 just to be safe. Um, so, all reviews are appreciated. Enjoy!

    The Grudge

    It started out as a normal day at the Silph.Co headquarters in Saffron city, my secretary, Sam, reading out the usual mail.

    “You’ve got a letter from the mayor regarding tomorrow’s speech, and two more threats from Team Rocket. They say that refusal to comply with their demands will have dire consequences.”

    “They say that all the time. Anyway, I would never give the company’s products away for free. If they want Silph Scopes, they’ll have to buy them like everyone else.”

    “You do know that they’re a criminal organization, right Mr. Silph?” Sam asked, concerned.

    “Yes I do, and that’s not going to change the fact that I’m not going to let them have the scopes.”

    Sam sighed. She clearly did not want to see me in any danger, given Team Rocket’s reputation. There were even rumours that they had taken control of the government. But there was no way I was going to bow down to a criminal organization, however dangerous they may be.

    “Anyway, there was also a package addressed to you, from Celadon. We already put it through screening, and there appears to be a doll in it.”

    “A doll?, Let me see.” Sam handed me a small brown package, loosely bound with packaging tape. I opened it to reveal a battered old pichu doll. It had an eye missing, and the stuffing was coming out in numerous places. Yet, it seemed strangely familiar.

    “Who sent it?” I asked, putting the doll back in the package.

    “It just says Celadon city, Kanto.”

    “Celadon city? That’s were I used to live. Strange.”


    After putting in a full day of work, I took off from the Silph building in my car. I started the engine and adjusted the rear-view mirror, when I saw a small yellow head peeking out from the backseat window. I turned around quickly, but there was nothing there.

    “No, it couldn’t be. You’re just being paranoid Michael” I thought to myself.
    __________________________________________________ _________

    After coming home, I had a quick shower to wash away the lethargy that comes with sitting idle in a chair for several hours. As I was toweling off though, I heard a soft sound behind me, like the sound of someone running. I turned around quickly.

    Nothing.

    As I looked into the mirror however, I saw it right behind me, the doll, a dark energy enveloping it. I turned around to face it, and its one beady eye narrowed.

    “What…,what do you want?”

    “I want you.”

    The dark energy acquired a solid form, and moved forward with unnatural speed, hitting me in the gut. I doubled over in pain just as something hard hit my head, and drifted into the uncertainty of unconsciousness.
    __________________________________________________ _________

    I woke up to a splitting headache and found myself in a dark room, bound to some sort of metal chair with what seemed to the same dark energy I had encountered before. As I surveyed the room, I noticed a television set in front of me.

    “Do you remember me Michael?” A deep voice, that didn’t seem to have any source, echoed.

    I didn’t answer.

    “Don’t you remember me? Your favourite toy. You used to take me everywhere with you. Don’t you remember?”

    My favourite toy? A flurry of memories resurfaced from the fringes of my mind.

    “Yes, I remember. I remember how I lost you. I took you to school, I showed you to all my friends. But when I came home, you weren’t there in my bag. I searched everywhere for you. But I couldn’t find you wherever I looked. I cried for days when I lost you.”

    “You didn’t lose me, you forgot me. I fell out of your bag, and you walked away. We were friends, weren’t we?”

    “I didn’t mean to lose you, this is all a misunderstanding!”

    Silence.

    The screen in front of me suddenly flickered to life, and the beaming, mustached face of the Mayor smiled at me.

    “Thank you, citizens of Saffron city, for coming here to celebrate our city’s fiftieth anniversary. Now please welcome the son of the founder of Silph industries, and its current CEO, Mister Michael Silph.”

    Applause rang out from the speakers as a young man in his mid-twenties, with black hair and a wide smile stepped onto the podium.

    It was me.

    Then I realized what was happening. I had forgotten the doll, so it was going to make everyone forget me, by taking my place, by impersonating me.

    The gravity of the situation now dawned upon me.

    “Please!” I cried out. “Don’t do this. I’m sorry for everything, for losing you, for forgetting you, Everything!”

    Silence.

    Then suddenly, a sharp sound, a gunshot rang out. I watched in horror as I; no; my Doppelganger fell, a dark-red patch spreading over his chest. Someone screamed, and the crowd dispersed in panic, some being trampled in the stampede. The mayor was trying hard to calm the panicked crowd, shouting at them through the microphone. Cars crashed while trying to avoid terrified people running across the road. Sirens wailed.

    But one thing stood out amid the ensuing chaos - the broken, battered body of a Pichu doll, lying on the podium.

    The bonds holding me disappeared, but I was still paralyzed by shock and confusion when a voice whispered in my ear.

    “I forgive you.”
    Last edited by T-Bolt; 3rd April 2013 at 12:54 PM.

  2. #2
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    Default

    I find this a very interesting beginning. At first the evil doll energy was kind of weirding me out, but I got over it, and it wasn't that bad.

    What I really do like, is that you left a great cliff hanger. It'll get readers interested and wanting to stay tuned.

    Also, there are some cool things you're doing with grammar, such as:
    "I watched in horror as I; no; my Doppelganger fell..."
    and where you use a new line to emphasize a small phrase.

    However, this cool word play and diction is hidden by some errors that stand out to me, and are in a sense, random. Just commas in weird places, and I found your first sentence kind of confusing. Also, if you can put more (good) detail into the descriptive parts of your story, people will like it a whole lot more

    This still does look cool and I want to see some Pokemon action soon! I wonder if the assassination has anything to do with Team Rocket...?

    Good luck, and Happy Writing!

    -Charze
    Friend Safari: Snorunt, Bergmite, Cloyster
    Friend Code: 0860-3745-2173




    Credit to Robert

  3. #3

    Default

    Hey not bad at all man. I like to read One-shots during my spare time and while I write my own Fan Fiction. Overall I thought it was ok. The plot was midly confusing in the sense that I didn't understand what exactly what was going on since so many things were happening like waking up and getting ambushed by a black pokemon, to suddenly being in a chair.

    So, wait let me ask this. In the end, did the doll forgive the owner for abandoning it by accident?

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charze View Post
    I find this a very interesting beginning. At first the evil doll energy was kind of weirding me out, but I got over it, and it wasn't that bad.

    What I really do like, is that you left a great cliff hanger. It'll get readers interested and wanting to stay tuned.

    Also, there are some cool things you're doing with grammar, such as: and where you use a new line to emphasize a small phrase.

    However, this cool word play and diction is hidden by some errors that stand out to me, and are in a sense, random. Just commas in weird places, and I found your first sentence kind of confusing. Also, if you can put more (good) detail into the descriptive parts of your story, people will like it a whole lot more

    This still does look cool and I want to see some Pokemon action soon! I wonder if the assassination has anything to do with Team Rocket...?

    Good luck, and Happy Writing!

    -Charze
    Actually, it's a One-shot. But I'm glad you liked it anyway. I guess I need to work on my punctuation, but that'll hopefully get better in my later Fics.

    Anyway, in response to your post and TheBlackDuelist's, the idea was that Banette (the Pichu doll) knew that team Rocket was going to kill his former owner. He decides to kidnap him, so that he doesn't go to the celebration, but at the same time confronts him. After learning why his owner lost him and after hearing his apology, he decides to take the bullet for him.

    Hopefully things are clearer now. Thanks for reading!
    Last edited by T-Bolt; 5th April 2013 at 5:19 AM.

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