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Thread: Unova: A Jolteon's tale

  1. #1
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    Default Unova: A Jolteon's tale

    Hello SPPF, this is my first attempt at fanfiction period.

    I've attempted fan fic before with mixed results, this is the only one I've ended up posting though.

    Rating: Pg-Pg13 (might become more violent or something later on)
    {insert possible pm list here}

    {Chapter List}
        Spoiler:- Chapters:

    Without further ado:

    Prologue:

    This is the tale of me and my master's journey to become the best battlers in all of Unova.

    It all began for me on a warm spring day; it seemed innocent enough. Although I doubt anyone could have foreseen the events that were about to unfold. I had stretched myself out on the grass in the meadow in which I lived in. Tall, green grass swayed back and forth in the slight breeze that blew over the meadow.

    In the distance I heard a loud rumbling noise emanating from the ground somewhere to my left. Rolling up onto my haunches and gazing outward I saw a small town there. The noise had stopped. Unsure of myself, I just stood there for a while peering into the direction where the rumbling had come from. Tentatively, I took a step towards the town. One step, then another step, suddenly the sound resonated louder. I approached the fence separating the town and the meadow in which I resided. Abruptly, the sound stopped once again then, a scream echoed from a house no more than 15 meters away from where I stood.

    On an impulse, I rushed under the fence and towards the house. It was a small, yellow house. It seemed as if it had been built a long time ago. Cracks riddled the side of the house. Grey steps led up to what I assumed, was the front of the house. As I got closer, it became apparent that the house was more seriously damaged now that I had seen it from the front. There was a gaping hole in the front door or, where the front door was. I went up the steps. Jumping through the hole, the following scene lay before me. A boy, no older than 13 was huddling in a corner and, in the middle of the room there was what appeared to be an Excadrill.

    “What do you think you’re doing?” I barked at it. As it turned around to face me I noticed this wasn’t a normal Excadrill, like the ones I had seen so many times in the meadow. Popping out of the grass occasionally lost or sometimes just coming up for fresh air. Its eyes glinted at me like none before.

    “Crush… Destroy…” it moaned at me. I took a step back. Was it even a pokemon? I wondered in horror. It was at this point I knew I couldn’t socialize with it to sort out the problem. It lunged at me; I barely avoided it by sidestepping. As soon as it hit the ground the whole earth shook again. I felt the familiar sensation of thousands of volts of electricity lacing my fur as I launched myself at it. The blow connected. Taken aback by the impact, I staggered backwards.

    On the spot where it had stood, lay a pile of metallic gears and an assortment of wires. So it wasn’t even real… Behind me, a voice spoke,

    “Wha-What was that…?” It was the boy. I had forgotten about him.

    I walked up to him and said, “I think you’re safe now…”

    “I-I’m sorry but I don’t speak Jolteon language.” There it was again, the steel barrier that always seemed to stand between communications with humans. However, this one seemed… different somehow. I pulled up beside him and nuzzled him. First, he recoiled then; carefully began to pet me. His affection seemed much greater than any of the other people I had encountered, or the ones who had tried to capture me. I gazed at him and saw he had a pokeball clasped in his hand.

    “My father said that I should begin my journey sooner or later. Would you like to be my first pokemon?” I looked at him for a while. Did I really want to fight other pokemon for a living? Then I thought of the excadrill and the thought that there might be other mechanic menaces out there that would certainly terrorize new trainers such as him, and I Nodded. Not sure of what lay ahead but excited for it I let myself be sucked into the pokeball. How can I even fit in this thing? No doubt this question would plague me for a long time. It’s interesting seeing the world through a tint of red. The boy who I had only just met was on the phone a minute later, still holding my ball in his hand.

    “Mom, are you there? Guess what? I got a pokemon!” A burst of noise from the other end of the line led me to believe that she wasn’t quite convinced.

    “... Given to me by the professor? No, it came to me and I had one of dad’s pokeballs…”Another squawk from the phone.

    “Can you believe it? He actually liked me!” Something to the effect of “HOW DID IT GET IN THE HOUSE?” blared from the phone.

    “How did it come in? Well, it kinda saved me from a mechanical monster that left a hole in the side of the house…” Suddenly, it sounded like there was a bypassing airstrike that had hit no more than two feet away from me.

    “Mom! You’re breaking up! I’ll call you when I get a better connection. Bye!” My ears winced in pain. I gave him a look that said, “Please don’t let that happen ever again…” He seemed to understand me and said, “I know, I won’t, mothers can be annoying sometimes though. Why don’t we get some rest and head off to the nearest city tomorrow?” To me, that sounded like a really good idea. So, I closed my eyes and drifted into peaceful darkness.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    That's it for now. Chapter 1 will be out soon hopefully. Let me know if you liked it or, if you found any errors/comments/critiques.

    ~~~Saph
    Last edited by Saph~; 1st April 2013 at 8:52 PM.




    Claimed the electric dog that is Jolteon
    Pokemon X FC: 1349-5515-1443
        Spoiler:- credits:

  2. #2
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    Nice job! this is one of the best first time fanfics ive seen!

    for some reason could'nt and could've are both considered mispelled under Serebii spell check, but i see nothing wrong with the way they are spelled. SO other than that, i didnt catch any other error!
    [IMG]http://oi42.*******.com/no61ic.jpg[/IMG]


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  3. #3
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    Very good job. I loved how you described the encounter with the mechanical Excadrill. There are a few punctuation errors but that's it. It's an interesting story, i'll be sure to keep reading.




  4. #4
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    Thanks for the feedback guys flare could you point out the punctuation errors that you saw so I can fix them in the future, thanks. Also here's chapter one:
    chapter one

    It wasn’t peaceful the entire night, however. Thoughts wandered through my mind. Images, images of that monster. What the heck was that anyway? It seemed that the boy didn’t know either. The boy, I didn’t even know his name. I would find some way of asking him basic questions tomorrow. Is it already tomorrow? I felt like I was floating in a void. The red haze wasn’t exactly depressing but, it wasn’t exactly cheerful. When it feels like I’ve been thinking forever, I’m suddenly aroused by a flash of red light. I was standing my regular size, no longer did everything seem red to me.

    “Good morning…” the boy trailed off abruptly.

    This was the first time I had gotten a clear look at him so far. He was average height looking about 5 feet tall. His eyes were dark brown and seemed to glow with the light of adventure. His hair was a darker shade of brown, nearing on black.

    “I still have to give you a name you know… what do you think it should be?” A name? Didn’t jolteon just suffice? Apparently not though because, he was staring at me rather curiously.

    “Hmm… how about… Dengeki?” he asked politely. Where did that name come from, Dengeki?

    As if understanding me he said, “It’s Japanese for electric shock. Well at least the pronunciation.” I looked at him as if to say, “When did you find that out?”

    Seeming to understand me in a sort he said. “I spent an hour last night while you were sleeping just doing research on names. Heh, not everyone needs sleep right?” I guess not I thought.

    “Oh, I forgot, my name’s Zack. Yea it’s pretty common certainly, not like yours!” His attitude of excitement was getting to me.
    He frowned for a moment. I was taken aback by this action, the whole time I had been with him (after the monster of course) I had never seen him frown or look displeased, not a single time.

    “It’s time I explain some things to you…” I didn’t like the direction this was going. What did a kid like this have to explain?

    “I essentially live by myself here. My dad moved got a job in Opalucid City after he finished his adventure. My mom is in Castelia at the moment…” Oh, that was the situation he had to explain.

    “They come back to stay for a few weeks occasionally. It’s just hard for them to work fulltime jobs with me there…” He trailed off, then continued,

    “I don’t want you to think they’re cruel or anything, especially after my mom’s tirade last night.” Well he certainly knew what I was thinking then.

    “With that monster thing bursting into the house, my dad thinks it would be much safer traveling with pokemon like he did. My mom of course, had fits when she heard this. I think im going with my dad’s opinion on this one.”

    “Eon!” I said. This meant something along the lines of good choice.

    “So, I need to buy some supplies then my dad said we could leave and, that mom would hire someone to fix the house.”
    It sounded good to me. I arched my back, stretching, as if to say, “What are we waiting for? Let us go!” Where were we in Unova anyway. I myself had kept inside my meadow unsure of what towns or city’s lay around me.

    “The closest place to buy supplies is Accumula town I think. Are you ready?” I gave a short nod.

    “Alright, here we go.” He picked up his backpack and threw it on. He stepped out the hole in the side of the house [/i] (Rather reckless if you asked me)[/i] and began walking briskly down a dirt path. I jumped through the hole, and followed him. In the distance I saw buildings looming over treetops. Not fully knowing what could be ahead, an air of excitement seemed to hover around us. Soon we were at the enterance leading into the town, and the sun was high in the sky, shining down on us with a soft warmish glow. We walked up the steps and into the town. About 50 feet into the town there was a red building with a pokeball symbol on it.

    “…And that is where we’re going Den.” He motioned towards it. When we got within a foot of the doors to it, they opened smoothly. Inside there was a sitting area to our left with a rack of magazines and a couple of red chairs. The floor was tiled a lighter shade of orange giving the building a relaxing feel to it. On the right two ladies stood behind a counter.

    Zack murmured to me, “This is a pokemon center; it’s where I’ll be taking you if you get seriously injured. Then on a happier note, if I just need to restock on supplies!” So that’s what this place is? I mused. I swung my head around trying to take in everything while Zack pulled some money out of his backpack. Suddenly, another boy looking to be about the age of 15 or 16 rushed in and ran up to the counter. Not the counter Zack was at, the one in the center of the room.

    “C’mon Zeb you can make it…” he murmed to the pokemon he was holding in his arms. I strained to get a better look. The pokemon was black and white and covered in bruises. Small cuts riddled its body. It moaned to no one in particular “Rocks… never again…” What could happen to a pokemon that could do that much damage? Will I be in danger of the same thing happening to me in the average day as a pokemon? Thoughts swam around in my head, more confusing than ever.

    The boy put it on the main counter, “Please help me…”
    The woman at the counter replied and said, “Of course sir, that’s what we do here. Zebstrika will just fine… hopefully.” What confidence I had had in this place was gone. What if I got more injured than that? I felt a touch on my back, being distracted I hadn’t noticed that Zack was finished buying supplies.

    “What’s the matter Den? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something!” He looked concerned for me. I made a noise that I hoped was reassuring. He didn’t look convinced.

    “Well if you want to let me know what happened just tell me or, try to.” He was too preoccupied in my discomfort he didn’t notice the very thing that had set me so on edge. I Just nuzzled him and waited.

    “If you insist then, let us continue.” The orange tiles in the room didn’t seem so comforting anymore. They inspired nausea when I thought of all the other pokemon that had come in here injured to a great extent. The room wasn't working the way designers intended it. The glass roof created an atmosphere of falseness. Everything, seeming light and well, glassy. Eager to get out of there, I pushed foward, ahead of Zack. The doors opened for us again, the fresh air was inviting after the air from the center that had seemed so stale to me. Outside however, all was not well.
    Last edited by Saph~; 1st April 2013 at 8:54 PM.




    Claimed the electric dog that is Jolteon
    Pokemon X FC: 1349-5515-1443
        Spoiler:- credits:

  5. #5
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    Just the prologue for now.

    Quote Originally Posted by saphirapwns View Post
    This is the tale of the story, of me and my master’s journey to become the best battler in all of Unova.
    This sentence is... wrong, I think. "tale of the story"? Isn't that kinda... redundant? Shouldn't it just be "This is the tale of me and my master's journey to become the best battlers in all of Unova."

    It all began for me on a warm spring day, it seemed innocent enough.
    Replace that comma with a period. Could they both be sentences? Yeah, they could. So either split them into two sentences, use a semicolon instead, or use a comma with a conjunction.

    Although I doubt anyone could’ve foreseen the events that were about to unfold.
    "Could've" isn't truly word, I dont think. People can use it in dialogue, but not in narration. I know your character is telling the story, but you should probably just use "could have" anyways.

    I had stretched myself out on the grass in the meadow in which, I lived in.
    Don't need that comma.

    Tall green grass swayed back and forth in the slight breeze that blew over the meadow.
    You need a comma between 'tall' and 'green'. Adjectives need commas to separate them.
    Plus, using both "grass" and "meadow" is repetitive because you used both of those words in the last sentence.

    In the distance I heard a loud rumbling noise emanating from the ground somewhere in the distance to my left.
    You said "In the distance" twice in the same sentence.

    Rolling up onto my haunches and gazing out ward I saw a small town there.
    Firstly "outward" is one word.
    I also believe there should be a comma between "outward" and "I". Im not 100% sure on that one though. That's one's where I'm shaky and thats why I have betas.

    Unsure of myself I just stood there for a while peering into the direction where the rumbling had come from.
    Comma after "myself".

    Tentatively I took a step towards the town.
    Comma after "Tentatively".

    Abruptly the sound stopped once again then, a scream echoed from a house no more than 15 meters away from where I stood.
    Abruptly needs a comma after it. Also, you pretty much have two different sentences here. Take out "then" and put "and" after that comma.

    As I got closer it became apparent that the house was seriously damaged now that I had seen it from the front.
    Comma after "As I got closer".

    There was a gaping hole in the front door or, where the front door was.
    Commas typically come before conjunctions. But you dont need a comma here because "where the front door was." isn't a complete thought.

    I went up the steps.
    What steps? Saying "the steps" implies that there are steps that you have already described. You should say "some steps" that way we are now visually said steps

    Jumping through the hole, the following scene lay before me. A boy, no older than 13 was huddling in a corner and, in the middle of the room there was what appeared to be an excadrill.
    You should replace the period after "me" with a colon. The comma after the "and" needs to be before it. And you should capitalize "excadrill" if your capitalizing Jolteon.

    As it turned around to face me I noticed this wasn’t a normal excadrill, like the ones I had seen so many times in the meadow, popping out of the grass occasionally lost or sometimes just coming up for fresh air.
    That is a run-on sentence.

    Taken back by the impact I staggered backwards.
    I believe the phrase is "taken aback". Comma after "impact".

    On the spot where it had stood there lay a pile of metallic gears and an assortment of wires.
    You should probably drop the "there" in this sentence.

    So it wasn’t even real… Behind a voice spoke,

    “Wha-What was that…?” It was the boy. I had forgotten about him.
    "Behind a voice spoke" isnt correct. "Behind me, a voice spoke," would be fine. It shoudld also be in line with what is actually being said.

    I walked up to him and said “I think you’re safe now…”
    Comma after "said"

    First he recoiled then, carefully began to pet me.
    Probably should be "First, he recoiled; then he carefully began to pet me."

    “My father said that I should begin my journey sooner or later, would you like to be my first pokemon?”
    Comma should be a period or a semicolon.

    Did I really want to fight other pokemon for a living?
    Seems like it should be a thought and thus italicized.

    Then I thought of the excadrill and the thought that there might be other mechanic menaces out there that would certainly terrorize new trainers such as him, and I Nodded.
    Run-on, and "Nodded" shouldnt be capitalized.

    Not sure of what lay ahead but excited for it I let myself be sucked into the pokeball.
    Surround "but excited for it" with dashes (-), parenthesis, or commas.

    It’s interesting seeing the world through a tint of red.
    Maybe "It was interesting to see the world through a tint of red.", perhaps?

    “Mom are you there? Guess what? I got a pokemon!”
    Comma after "Mom".

    “... Given to me by the professor? No, It came to me and I had one of dad’s pokeballs…”
    Un-capatalize "It".

    “How did it come in? Well it kinda saved me from a mechanical monster that left a hole in the side of the house…”
    Comma after "Well".

    “Mom! You’re breaking up! I’ll call you when I get a better connection bye!”
    Separate "Bye" into its own sentence.

    I barked something to the effect of “Please don’t let that happen ever again…”
    I thought Jolteon was still in it's Pokeball?

    “I know I won’t, mothers can be annoying sometimes though. Why don’t we get some rest and head off to the nearest city tomorrow?”
    Comma after "I know".

    To me that sounded like a really good idea.
    Comma after "To me".


    Well, all in all, it's okay. There's some stuff that happens a little abruptly in a sort "Well, that escalated quickly." sort of way. Jolteon coming under the owner ship of the kid seems plot-driven. It didn't seem natural.

    I think what you need is a high-quality Beta Reader. That's all I can really say. There were many mistakes and there were plenty of places where you could be more descriptive. A good Beta Reader should be able to help you with that.
    ~Author's Profile ||~|| <Fly High Graphics> ~
    ~rTTL: Chapter 3: 31% ||~|~|~|| rAVT : Chapter 2: 0%~



  6. #6
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    Well Brutaka took care of the errors in the prologue, so I guess I'll point out the ones in Chapter 1.

    Thoughts wandered through my mind images, images of that monster.
    This sounds like a run-on sentence. A period can go after "mind."
    When it feels like I'm thinking forever when I'm suddenly aroused by a flash of red light.
    You used "when" repeatedly. You can eliminate the second one.
    Yea, it's pretty common certainly, not like yours!"
    There's supposed to be an "h" after "yeah" unless you meant to do that.
    As we got closer an air of excitement seemed to hover around us. Not fully knowing what could be ahead.
    I think you should take away the period and switch around the sentence so it flows better like this, "Not fully knowing what could be ahead, an air of excitement seemed to hover around us."


    That's pretty much all of the ones I found.




  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Just the prologue for now.


    This sentence is... wrong, I think. "tale of the story"? Isn't that kinda... redundant? Shouldn't it just be "This is the tale of me and my master's journey to become the best battlers in all of Unova."


    Replace that comma with a period. Could they both be sentences? Yeah, they could. So either split them into two sentences, use a semicolon instead, or use a comma with a conjunction.


    "Could've" isn't truly word, I dont think. People can use it in dialogue, but not in narration. I know your character is telling the story, but you should probably just use "could have" anyways.


    Don't need that comma.


    You need a comma between 'tall' and 'green'. Adjectives need commas to separate them.
    Plus, using both "grass" and "meadow" is repetitive because you used both of those words in the last sentence.


    You said "In the distance" twice in the same sentence.


    Firstly "outward" is one word.
    I also believe there should be a comma between "outward" and "I". Im not 100% sure on that one though. That's one's where I'm shaky and thats why I have betas.


    Comma after "myself".


    Comma after "Tentatively".


    Abruptly needs a comma after it. Also, you pretty much have two different sentences here. Take out "then" and put "and" after that comma.


    Comma after "As I got closer".


    Commas typically come before conjunctions. But you dont need a comma here because "where the front door was." isn't a complete thought.


    What steps? Saying "the steps" implies that there are steps that you have already described. You should say "some steps" that way we are now visually said steps


    You should replace the period after "me" with a colon. The comma after the "and" needs to be before it. And you should capitalize "excadrill" if your capitalizing Jolteon.


    That is a run-on sentence.


    I believe the phrase is "taken aback". Comma after "impact".


    You should probably drop the "there" in this sentence.


    "Behind a voice spoke" isnt correct. "Behind me, a voice spoke," would be fine. It shoudld also be in line with what is actually being said.


    Comma after "said"


    Probably should be "First, he recoiled; then he carefully began to pet me."


    Comma should be a period or a semicolon.


    Seems like it should be a thought and thus italicized.


    Run-on, and "Nodded" shouldnt be capitalized.


    Surround "but excited for it" with dashes (-), parenthesis, or commas.


    Maybe "It was interesting to see the world through a tint of red.", perhaps?


    Comma after "Mom".


    Un-capatalize "It".


    Comma after "Well".


    Separate "Bye" into its own sentence.


    I thought Jolteon was still in it's Pokeball?


    Comma after "I know".


    Comma after "To me".


    Well, all in all, it's okay. There's some stuff that happens a little abruptly in a sort "Well, that escalated quickly." sort of way. Jolteon coming under the owner ship of the kid seems plot-driven. It didn't seem natural.

    I think what you need is a high-quality Beta Reader. That's all I can really say. There were many mistakes and there were plenty of places where you could be more descriptive. A good Beta Reader should be able to help you with that.
    I will fix these. I do want to I drafted the prologue at 2am. So I probably didn't catch a lot of the ones that I should have. Thanks bru.
    I was hoping after reading bru's that I drafted it more coherently in the 1st chapter. I guess I sort of did. Thanks Flare & Bru. Also if anyone wants to be a beta please let me know, I'll try my best to edit mine by myself until I find one or multiple.
    Last edited by Saph~; 1st April 2013 at 8:52 PM.




    Claimed the electric dog that is Jolteon
    Pokemon X FC: 1349-5515-1443
        Spoiler:- credits:

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