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Thread: Oaken Falls [PG-13]

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    : : OAKEN FALLS : :

    A young man, callow and foolish in innocence, came to own a sword.
    With it, he smote Pokémon, which gave sustenance, with carefree abandon.
    Those not taken as food, he discarded, with no afterthought.
    The following year, no Pokémon appeared. Larders grew bare.
    The young man, seeking the missing Pokémon, journeyed afar.
    Long did he search. And far and wide, too, until one he did find.
    Asked he, “Why do you hide?”
    To which the Pokémon replied...
    “If you bear your sword to bring harm upon us, with claws and fangs, we will exact a toll.
    From your kind we will take our toll, for it must done.”

    — Veilstone's Myth


    (The following fan-fiction is rated PG-13 for disturbing imagery, violence, and some coarse language)

    Chapter Index

    Prologue: No Vacancy
    Chapter I: Pallet Town
    Chapter II: The Gilded Switch
    Chapter III: Here Come The Ashes
    Story Mechanic: Pokemon-Human Communication
    Chapter IV: The Monster Revelation - Part One || Part Two



    PROLOGUE: NO VACANCY

    A muffled heartbeat pierces the thick, musky air. The wind howls, carrying a pungent, sour odor of decaying flesh. The sky swirls in a pandemonium of grey and gold above tilted obsidian towers that house thousands of victims. Their screams escape through the tall windows of their prisons, only reciprocating the horror all around. Limbs crack, skulls split, and tongues bleat pleas for mercy, even as the Monster digs into their contorted faces with its serrated claws.

    One, two, three! Slaughter, murder, bleed! Eight, nine, ten! Kill them all again!

    The victims drown in the dance of their worst fears and wait desperately for death to release them from their misery. But the Monster won’t have it. Time belongs to the Monster. The Monster is everywhere; in every tower, in every room, in every cranny, nook, and corner. There’s no escape. Here, you’re trapped. The doors are locked. There’s no turning back.

    You die a thousand deaths here! You do it for the Monster!

    YOU DO IT FOR THE MONSTER!

    Scream! Scream! SCREAM.

    YOU DO IT FOR THE MONSTER!

    Ripping arms and thighs.

    Let the Monster rip you!

    LET THE MONSTER FEED.

    FEED YOUR SOUL TO THE MONSTER!

    Let him breathe again. Let him breathe, let him moan, let him sigh, let him, let him!

    YOU DO IT FOR THE MONSTER DO IT FOR THE MONSTER TEAR YOUR HEART AND SOUL
    IN TWO AND LET THE MONSTER LIVE AGAIN FOR MONSTER DO IT FOR THE MONSTER.

    LET. THE. MONSTER. RIP. YOU. RIP YOU!

    LET THE MONSTER LIVE AGA—

    “CRAAAAAH! DAAAAAAAAAH!”

    “Alex! Alex, WAKE UP!”

    Sunlight blazed through a dirty window onto the unconscious face of a pale, tawny-haired, thirteen-year-old boy. A woman shook him with vigor until his electric-blue eyes flashed open, pupils dilated and cold sweat pouring down his face.

    He stared into the equally-stunning eyes of his own mother, who immediately embraced him and sighed against his shoulder.

    “Oh, sweetie, you gave me a fright!” she exclaimed, exasperated. “We’ve got to get out of this place. Now.”

    Before he could utter a reply, Janice Gregory heaved Alex from a cobwebbed bed infested with dust-mites and God only knows what else and led him directly across dirty floorboards to the staircase. Alex blinked several times, narrowing his eyes and trying to take a second glance at their hotel room before his mother prompted him down the stairwell.

    “What happened?” Alex cried, descending after a panicking Ms. Gregory. “What’s the matter? Was it our room? How did it get like that?”

    “I have no clue what’s going on, Alex!” said Ms. Gregory between breaths. “Just keep moving!”

    The two hotel guests stopped at the bottom of the landing on the first floor where they entered the reception room they had been received late that night—but things had changed. Not only was the man who greeted them from before missing from the counter, but it also seemed that the entire place had been abandoned for ages accumulating dust, mothballs, and soot in every orifice.

    Janice, still in her nightgown, wasted no time in pushing the front doors to the hotel wide open and stepping outside. However, she hesitated for a moment as Alex swiveled on the spot observing the curious transformation the hotel had taken overnight. One moment it was completely spotless and inviting for weary travelers, and the next, it had withered and became haunted with the remains of what had just been brand-new.

    “Alexander Gregory, get out of this building right now!” Janice barked.

    Alex stared at a rotting leather chair he had just seen the previous night in perfect condition. “Something is very wrong here.”

    “Alex, I’m not going to tell you again!”

    “What about our bags?”

    “Leave the luggage; it’s only a day’s worth of clothes! The movers have everything else and are on their way to Kanto already.”

    Without looking back, Alex sprinted toward the door and exited the Harbor Inn beside his mother. The two were gawked at in public as they scrambled across the folding bridge to the ferry dock, but not because they were dressed in their pajamas at one o’clock in the afternoon.

    It was because they had just left a hotel that had not been in business for over fifty years.
    Last edited by CHeSHiRe-CaT; 20th June 2008 at 7:06 PM.

  2. #2
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    BOO.

    bet you didn't expect that 8D

    >_> I love the first part of the prologue. It's like an extreme/R version of the monster shuffle? Monster dance? WTF was that song called. It sounds like it could be a real song too, morbidly catchy 8D

    “CRAAAAAH! DAAAAAAAAAH!”
    << >> best line, when you placed it after an interupted 'lyric'

    At anyrate I don't see anything wrong, infact I am intrigued.

    Post the first chapter soon :D

    Lol I shamelessly gave you no advice 8D

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    This is beautiful stuff, and a good kicker of a start. That myth's a great source of material. Good going, Brax. 8)

    (I'm in Vegas right now, btw. It's craaaazy.)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    BOO.

    bet you didn't expect that 8D

    >_> I love the first part of the prologue. It's like an extreme/R version of the monster shuffle? Monster dance? WTF was that song called. It sounds like it could be a real song too, morbidly catchy 8D



    << >> best line, when you placed it after an interupted 'lyric'

    At anyrate I don't see anything wrong, infact I am intrigued.

    Post the first chapter soon

    Lol I shamelessly gave you no advice 8D
    That passage made me hungry after I wrote it. XP And I'm glad I haven't done anything noticeably wrong, because I've been writing in the present-tense for months and just picked up the past-tense again.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kiyohime View Post
    This is beautiful stuff, and a good kicker of a start. That myth's a great source of material. Good going, Brax. 8)

    (I'm in Vegas right now, btw. It's craaaazy.)
    Vegaaaaaaaaaas. Now that's the real Veilstone. Speaking of which, I conceived the plot for Oaken Falls last summer and was trying to find a good way to sum it up on the front page so people would have an idea of what they were about to read. This myth, though, sets both the theme and tone I was going for. ^^

    I'm taking my time on Chapter I because what I had written before just sucks. D: ReviserevisereviseREVISE. I do it for the Monster.

    ~Chesh

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    Those Diamond/Pearl Myths are something, huh? ^^

    I've read the original Oaken Falls (don't remember if I reviewed it or not ^^; ) and I say it seems this new version will have a darker tone. (or at least that's what I assume the tone to be because of the beginning ^O^). Can't wait to see where that goes.

    Hm, so Alex and Janice stayed at a hotel not in business for fifty years? I guess maybe the people and the way the hotel was running was pretty much in their imaginations? Haha, I actually like those kind of situations.

    Overall, like everyone else great way to start off the prologue. Looking forward to what's going to happen next. ^^


    Tumblr | FFnet | Author's Profile| Archive of Our Own | Banner: Umi Mizuno
    I'm still writing, but probably not much Pokemon stuff at the moment. HAM!


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    At this point I'd ask for an add to a PM list but I'm lazy and don't check serebii, so you can just prod me on Facebook whenever you update.

    Damn, this is starting to make me think of new ideas for a Pokemon story--make it go away. I don't wanna do that anymore. XP

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    This makes me very sad, because I havn't played the D/P games due to the lacking of a DS. But I do know the lore (thansk to yami ) so its very fascinating and morbid (yay pokemon for doing something scary!)

    I remember a story like this before, you posted it but it started out very different. So yeah.

    Being a Prologue, wasn't long enough for me to give you a normal review. But arg I love your writing style. You and your scariness of doom. I am curious where this is going to go and you only got a freakin prologue up! pooooost.

    I like his mom, cuz my aunt is named Janice and that makes her likable to me.

    wut.

    anyway, yes. PM me when you update please?
    Nearly eight years ago, I met Yami Ryu on this forum. She was a flamer and angry, but yet we became the best of friends.
    It was in December of 2011 that she found out she had cancer.
    It was January 9th when she passed away.
    A connection I made eight years ago on this forum passed away, alone, unloved by most, her own father probably didn't care.
    I love you, Yami Ryu, you are my best friend and I miss you so freakin much.

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    Bay: I started reading Nothing, Everything the other night and saw that you had used a D/P myth, too. XD I was actually very excited about that because those myths make for great fan fiction devices. The Canalave library is so cool. ;___; I wish they had more books to read.

    You might remember quite a bit from this first chapter, but I've added a newer beginning and tweaked some things here and there. Otherwise, it's pretty much the same. ^^

    But that prologue is incredibly important, I'll have you know. In fact, most of that wasn't in their imagination at all.

    Kiyohime: Yeah, I'll just bug you on Facebook. :P And hey, it wouldn't hurt to see a new story released by the infamous Miss Scrap. You know I'd be on it like a zombie on a leper.

    Lady Myuu: Glad Yams could tell you about those myths. D: They are really something. They make my imagination go wild, nehoo.

    Hurrah, the first chapter is here, and by Jove, it had quite a few grammatical errors before I revised it. :3 I think I'll post one new chapter on a weekly basis or something close to that, so no worries about falling behind.


    CHAPTER I: PALLET TOWN

    Trees swayed in the cool, autumn breeze, dropping their fiery leaves to the ground which would shelter the grass from the oncoming winter. The sun was high in the sky above Oaken Falls, a masterpiece metropolis of iron, steel, and glass wrought by cold-cut precision. Despite smog looming over the horizon of the seaside city’s landscape, its numerous skyscrapers were admired by both citizens and tourists alike as they created that sense of feeling small in people.

    But really, Oaken Falls was never large to begin with. It had only begun its ascension to industrial presence and corporate power after stepping on the serenity of a small, quiet town in Kanto, nonetheless famous as the birthplace of modern Pokémon research.

    To what depths had Pallet Town sunk?

    A teenaged girl garbed in heavy, thick sweatpants and a sweatshirt jogged through Samuel Oak Park, sunglasses plastered to her face by the humidity. She breathed calmly as she pulled down her baseball cap over her forehead, admiring the beauty of the shrubs and colorful trees all around her.

    As her running carried her further along the park trail, she soon encountered the center court, which was littered with trash, young couples making out on benches, and scavenger Pokémon digging in the rubbish bins for a midday meal. But the girl ignored them all completely, for the true regality and dignity of the park was embodied in a monument erected before her.

    She stopped short and took time to pay her respects to the twelve-foot-tall, bronze statue of the legendary Professor Oak, forever preserved in time as the man with heavy-set eyes and a warm smile handing the first Silph Pokéball prototype to an eager child, and essentially, passing down his legacy of Pokémon research to a new generation dedicated to the exploration of the Pokémon world and all of the exciting adventures along the way.

    It never failed to bring a tear to the girl’s eye, but her pride remained unseen behind those thick sunglasses. She slowly stepped up to the pedestal to read the inscription, which she had read a million times before as a child but had never fully understood until now:

    Professor Samuel Oak, a lifetime resident of the town of Pallet, was a world-renowned researcher and possibly the greatest authority on Pokémon of all time. A loving, passionate man, Samuel Oak devoted his entire life to digging up the archaic mysteries of Pokémon, exploring their physiological functions, and raising his two grandchildren, Blue and Daisy, all in the same day.

    He perished on an expedition to an uncharted island near the Hoenn region in a terrible shipwreck thirty years before the erection of this monument. It was an event that shocked and devastated the entire world. His grandchildren cannot survive his legacy as they, too, had joined him in his seafaring expedition to oblivion.

    Samuel Oak Park and Oaken Falls, Kanto were, therefore, named after the famous professor, a unanimous decision made by the former city council of Pallet Town before its inception as a major city. We request that those who cross this statue pay a moment of silence to honor a professor’s accomplishments in understanding the creatures of land, sky, and sea, and recognize his efforts to maintain the harmony between man and beast.

    You will be dearly missed, Samuel.
    May you and your family rest in peace.


    “What a joke, huh?”

    The girl spun around to see some older boy leering up at the statue, shaking his head and laughing sheepishly.

    “The idiot goes to look for his precious Pokémon, and then gets blown up on the way,” said the boy. “Sooo stupid.”

    “What’s your name?” the girl asked.

    “Er, Tommy.”

    “Okay, ‘Tommy.’ Where the hell are you from?”

    “Well, I live here—”

    “That’s not what I asked.”

    “Saffron City?”

    “Uh-huh. And you know jack shit about Pallet Town and Professor Oak,” the girl barked, whipping off her sunglasses and advancing on Tommy. “That man had bigger balls than you’ll ever have. Why don’t you run back home to your mommy and go buy some Pokémon? God knows none of your human friends want to hang out with a blockhead like you.”

    “Dude, whatever! Get away from me!” Tommy screamed, pushing back against the girl’s grey-eyed glare.

    She then made a roaring noise in his face, which was enough to send him scurrying off like a disturbed little Spinarak. The girl placed her hands on her hips and grinned in approval, and then slipped her sunglasses back on.

    Today was going to be a great day!

    ~*~

    “Mom…do you ever wonder why the sky gets so gloomy?

    She glanced at her son quickly before continuing to drive with her hands clutched on the wheel.

    “I mean, it’s always been like that,” said the boy, peering out the passenger side window at the looming clouds above the planted trees along the streets with shining, blue eyes. “Always dark…it’s depressing here. Sinnoh was more vibrant. It was alive.”

    “It’s called ‘pollution,’ Alex,” said the woman, stopping at an intersection and turning toward her only son. “This area became industrialized after Silph decided to spread the corporation; lots of other companies broadened their profits, too. The economy’s boosted since then, which is nice.”

    Ms. Gregory would know all about the capitalistic world of business that had begun to consume the globe. After all, she had served as head advisor of the Pokétch Company’s ad campaign for nearly five years. Although she had left her position as representative of the company’s Veilstone branch shortly after divorcing her husband to pursue a quiet life with Alex in her custody, she could not help but relish the chance to flaunt her superfluous knowledge of the status of her former company’s rivals.

    “But the small businesses don’t get by anymore,” said Alex, furrowing his brow before he looked out at the stoplight to wait for their signal to go. “Didn’t you say Pokémon Centers used to be free to use?”

    “Does it matter to us?” she sighed, pushing on the gas pedal slightly as the traffic lights transitioned. “We don’t have Pokémon. One less bill to pay.”

    “Yeah, but what if I ever wanted a Pokémon, mom?” the boy complained.

    “Out of the question,” she replied smoothly, watching the road. “They’re far too expensive, and we just bought a house. Maybe you should get working to earn your own money.”

    “I’m not even old enough to work!” Alex cried hysterically, rolling his eyes. “I could just go catch one myself!”

    “First of all, do you think I’d even let you wander that far to go capture some monster and bring it home? For what? Ruining the furniture? The lawn? Secondly, do you really know if there are any Pokémon left in the area? You can’t catch any of that street filth!” his mother exclaimed, laughing with incredulity. “You can have a Pokémon—when I’m dead.”

    “No, mom,” he replied heartlessly, “Because you’ll find some way to take it from me anyway.”

    And with those words, Alex crossed his arms and stared out the window once more, just as Ms. Gregory whipped her head around to glare at him.

    Let her gawk at me, the boy thought. He was right. Working at a rising corporation had only taught his mother ruthlessness—a trait that had transformed from something positive in the beginning of her career to something that hampered Alex’s own goals.

    Growing up around the filthy streets of Veilstone where drunks came hollering out of casinos with their life’s savings spent and mobs lurked within the shadows of a nearby alley made the boy long for the life of his predecessors: the life of Pokémon Trainers. In those days, he would have been scouring the lands for fantastical Pokémon instead of going to school, doing chores, and watching television for hours on end.

    Unfortunately, any dream he would have outside his mother’s expectations would be shot down right away. There was no excitement left in his life.

    Ms. Gregory had turned back toward the road. The nerve of the boy—she felt as though one of her arteries was going to burst! Why had Alex become so unruly these past few days? She thought he wanted to move away from Veilstone and start anew. But the more the single mother pondered on her son’s callous remark, the more she realized that it was not the move that had aroused her son’s crankiness. It was her.

    She started to see herself through Alex’s eyes as this cold-blooded bitch who domineered over all their family affairs. However, Ms. Gregory could never admit it to herself or to anyone else for that matter. Despite the overwhelming evidence of her controlling behavior, she convinced herself that it was in Alex’s best interest to never own a Pokémon.

    But she need only watch her child’s expression in the rearview mirror change from frustration to pain to feel the guilt weighing down upon her again. She knew she was affecting him with the way she was acting all the time. Alex had always been receptive to the emotions of others surrounding him.

    He was just like her…

    ~*~

    Markets, businesses, and the sidewalks were booming with people bouncing around from one place to another, commuting back and forth to work, or to shop. Daylight poured into the valley of skyscrapers and glass, casting great shadows of power on the dismal outskirts of the city.

    Small bands and singers performed and artists displayed their work along the crowded streets as customers flew in and out of ice cream and coffee cafés, laughing with pleasure and excitement. Some Flying Pokémon perched on statues and buildings while others dove into the plaza where a glorious fountain was situated, ravaging crumbs and searching for any dropped food. Everything was supersonic and buzzing.

    In the masses of colorful bodies spread about the city, the young jogger girl crisscrossed her way to downtown Oaken Falls.

    “’Scuse me…don’t mind me,” she called as she pressed between clusters of people.

    Eventually, she made her way through to a three-story building with a great logo spread on a sign above the revolving doors leading within: Devon Products. Gradually strolling by it, she looked at everything in the glass display at the front. All sorts of electronic gadgets and new Pokéball prototypes glittered in the shining sun, all hanging on racks and placed on well-lit shelves. Most of them looked very interesting, but were fairly useless. After all, what’s a Pokéball without wild Pokémon?

    Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, one little gizmo caught the jogger girl’s attention.

    She leaned in closer to block the glare on the window, and that was when she saw it: the newest Devon Corporation PokéNav model, Globe. Gaping at the round, smooth, electronic device glazed with a shiny coat of white paint and a glowing screen, she had almost fallen in love with it before another girl and her younger brother came walking up beside her, glancing at the same product and sighing dreamily.

    “They’ve got all sorts of different colors you can get them in,” said the new girl to the jogger girl. “Metallic Blue, Strawberry Red, Tulip Pink, Obsidian Black—”

    “Not to mention all the cool features!” her little brother cried, earning him a disapproving look from his older sibling. “Like, it has a VS Seeker built in, cell-phone, map, radio, digital music player, clock system…”

    “Well, it’s my thirteenth birthday today,” said the jogger girl, grinning from ear to ear as she looked at the two other kids. “Maybe I’ll go have a look-see.”

    Closing the conversation, the thickly-clothed girl walked past them and into the store while the siblings watched her.

    She was soon greeted by the coolest breeze she had ever felt blasting from the air conditioning inside. Stacked along aisles and aisles were products of every variety and purpose and hip combinations of rock and techno music played over the lobby speakers. Buyers all around her were making purchases at the check stands and workers circled around the store like Sharpedo, desperate to earn a commission. Cold, sleek steel curved the store into an auditorium of technology and paradise for lovers of everything digital. The girl twirled in circles, basking in the brilliance of it all.

    What to choose!

    Why, it seemed like it was only a few seconds before she had her hands on a box containing a Metallic Blue model of the PokéNav Globe and cheerfully walked straight out of the store that security alarms were sent spiraling into mad frenzies of honking and beeping. Several clerks and a few security workers darted after her in response.

    “HEY, YOU! MISS! GET BACK WITH THAT NOW!”

    From their chilly cavern, the employees rushed out onto the sidewalk into the burning sun, shooting glances all around as their eyes worked urgently at adjusting to the vast amounts of light bombarding them.

    Many people scattered at their presence as the clerks went about furiously, shouting and asking if anyone had seen where the thief had gone. Eventually, they were led to the two children who had spoken to her before by the display case, who also pointed out the direction in which she had run. The Devon workers immediately raced in that direction, hoping to stay on the trail of the perpetrator. Soon the city police had accrued at their tail, also swept in by the events of the clever, daylight robbery.

    Soon enough, the police dismissed the workers back to the store and took the reigns over this case. Searching dutifully for the jogger girl, they wandered through the thick neighborhoods in the vicinity of the crime.

    How they had lost her so easily, they were not sure. It seemed like she had just vanished into thin air with the Devon product! So they went around asking and interrogating individuals on the streets who had witnessed the scene to describe everything they possibly could. They also badgered several individuals who were far too busy to be bothered with such affairs. Their cause was defeated.

    “I don’t think we can track her,” said one male officer to another, walking back from a street they had searched. “It’s rush hour, and she’s done it again. So much for catching the Daylight Robber.”

    “Hold on a sec, Jakes,” replied the other, turning from the pathetic rookie to someone he was already questioning. “So you’re sure you didn’t see a young kid in all sweats come by here holding the stolen goods?”

    “Yeah, I think so,” answered a soft-faced girl with long, brown hair and a red and white blouse. She pulled out a lollipop and sucked on it. “Except…I did see someone with sunglasses that went down Main Street into those cruddy-looking buildings over there. I don’t remember if they were wearing sweats, though. I was busy buying a new outfit for my party.”

    Smiling and shaking the young woman’s hand, the officer thanked her and followed Jakes along the crosswalk back to their police cruiser.

    “I don’t think Jenny will be too happy,” said the more experienced cop as he unlocked the doors. “This is the fourth time we’ve lost the thief, and she doesn’t seem to have a specific pattern. I think it’s best we put up more surveillance and posters so we can look out for her.”

    “I think it’s ridiculous,” the other replied, getting into the passenger side. “Some kid just walks into a store, grabs expensive stuff, walks out, and seemingly vanishes.”

    Later, they started the car and drove off down Main Street feeling pretty hopeless, angry, and fearful at the same time. Jenny was infamous in the precinct for her beatings with a nightstick.



    Leaning out around the corner and listening to the sirens of the police howling over the streets and into the distance, the brown-haired girl in the red and white blouse frowned and sucked on her lollipop. Shaking her head and rolling her eyes, she pulled out a shiny-new cobalt PokéNav and placed it into her hand, experimenting with the buttons.

    Concentrated on discovering the features of her latest prize, the girl walked calmly down the sidewalk and away from the crowds.

    ~*~

    “This is Oaken Falls!” Ms. Gregory said as they pulled their car into the suburbs of a bright, neat city.

    “Great,” said Alex sarcastically, staring out the window at ritzy houses and clean-cut lawns.

    “Well, at least all those grey clouds you were talking about haven’t hit here yet. I guess it was a storm rolling on,” his mother stated quaintly.

    Silence. Ms. Gregory sighed heavily.

    “Listen, Alex, I’m sorry I’ve been so tense lately,” she blurted, gripping the steering wheel tightly. “You know how I get like this. But things are going to be different, I promise.”

    “Don’t make me promises you can’t keep,” he shot back, looking at her in the eye. “Look what happened to your marriage.”

    “Don’t you dare talk like that to ME,” she shouted, nearly pulling over into the wrong lane. “I am your MOTHER. I’ve taken much better care of you than your father could have. You know that, too.”

    These facts stabbed at Alex’s heart. He knew them to be true. His father, Red Gregory, was now a lowly bartender working in Olivine City after his divorce from Janice. Red was a caring father who loved his son very much, but it seemed that the good looks and sharp wit that had landed him a wife had not been enough to hold together the thirteen-year marriage. Janice’s spot-free financial record and sensible bookkeeping made his own look hideous, which is what the judge had based his ruling for custody over Alex upon.

    The boy sighed in defeat. There was no way to claim that he had more opportunity living with a bartender who made minimum wage than living with a businesswoman who had a reputation for success.

    “…I’m…sorry.”

    “We just…need to work this out,” she said wearily, exhaling. “Together. The first few months, we’re going to be on a budget you’re probably not used to, but soon, we’ll be able to do all sorts of things, and we’ll have a great time. I’ve been offered several positions from Silph and Devon. Maybe with a job again, I won’t be so anxious…”

    Alex did not lift his head.

    “And…who knows?” she said, turning and casting a smile at him. “Maybe when we’re all settled…a Pokémon could be permitted.”

    Alex’s heart stopped cold. Did she actually say those words?

    “Really, mom?”

    Janice hesitated before nodding. She had just relived a golden memory as a girl running through a grassy meadow chasing some Oddish in a game of tag…

    “Really,” she confirmed. “And starting tomorrow, I think that we shou—”

    “MOM, WATCH OUT!”

    Confused, Ms. Gregory looked at a horror-stricken Alex, and then suddenly shot her eyes to the road in front of her—where someone was crossing the road and she hadn’t looked. Instinctively, she slammed on the brakes, feeling a thud and watching as the person in front of them fell to the pavement. She screamed brutally.

    Frightened and livid, Alex took no time in opening his door and hopping out onto the street, running out to the person they had just hit. His mother soon followed, hand cupped over her mouth, hyperventilating.

    “Ow.”

    As they pulled around to the front of the car, they saw a girl around Alex’s age with long, brown hair and wearing a red and white blouse. She stood up steadily, wincing and clutching her leg.

    “Oh my God, are you all right?” cried Alex’s mom, rushing up to the girl as her son stood a few feet away. “Are you hurt? Do we need to take you to the hospital?”

    “Ahh, no, I think I’m fine,” said the girl, gritting her teeth. “You just bumped me—I scraped my knee when I fell on the concrete. You just scared me. That’s all.”

    “I am SO sorry,” Ms. Gregory responded, holding the girl by the shoulders and helping her dust off her clothes. “I should have been watching the road. Are you sure you don’t need to go to the hospital?”

    “Well, it’s just my knee…”

    The girl then glanced down at her leg, Alex’s mother followed her gaze, and on that exact spot, they found a fairly thick blotch of blood trickling down to her ankle.

    “Well, we’re not too far from my house. We’re new here, you see, so I have some bandages packed in a box there,” Ms. Gregory clucked, leading the girl along to the side of the car. “We can get you a bandage, and then give you a lift home. Does that sound all right, sweetheart?”

    “Um,” replied the girl, biting her lip and placing her hand on one of her bulging pockets, “I suppose so…yes. Thank you.”

    “Oh, look what I’ve done! Oh dear oh dear oh dear, let’s get you inside the car now. That’s a girl, watch your step…”

    Ms. Gregory had opened the backseat door for the young girl while Alex walked back to the passenger side, sitting down and shutting his own door. After a few minutes, everyone was inside and buckled up. Alex felt a bit awkward, so he tried not to say much. His mother then put her key into the ignition and started the car, proceeding to drive back on course to their new house as fast as she could without getting a speeding ticket.

    Ms. Gregory told Alex to open the glove box and hand the poor girl some napkins to clean up the blood on her leg. After she threw the red-soaked towelettes in a little plastic trash bag in the back seat, there was silence between the three of them. Unable to stand the awkwardness of it all, Janice attempted to break the ice.

    “Is your leg all right?” Ms. Gregory asked politely, watching the road carefully this time.

    “Fine, ma’am,” the girl replied. The woman frowned at the simple response.

    “So, darling, what’s your name?”

    “I’m Anneliese Valsign. Most people just call me Annie, though,” she replied softly, her eyes wandering around the backseat. She felt almost obligated to speak as these strangers were graciously helping her.

    “Well, pleased to meet you, Annie. I’m Janice Gregory, and this is my son, Alexander.”

    “I usually go by Alex,” the boy piped up, looking in the rearview mirror at Annie. “It’s only Alexander if there’s trouble involved.”

    Annie laughed, and the atmosphere seemed to lighten up a bit. Ms. Gregory smiled, and Alex couldn’t help but smirk himself.

    “Same here. There’s a lot you can do to get into trouble in Oaken Falls,” said Annie.

    “You know, this place has changed a lot since I lived here when I was a little girl,” said Ms. Gregory, scanning the horizon of buildings cluttered in the center of the city. “I remember when this place was just called Pallet Town.”

    “Yeah, and Viridian City is just another district of Oaken Falls now,” said Annie, glancing out of the back windshield. “After development, they named it Oaken Falls for some famous scientist, I think…”

    “Of course!” Alex’s mother exclaimed, getting an odd look from her son. “Professor Oak! I remember him dearly. He was the gentlest of gentlemen. We used to be his neighbors! Well, then again, the town was so little, everyone was practically a neighb—”

    “Wait,” said Alex, hesitating and taking this in. “The Professor Oak? The inventor of the Pokédex…?”

    “That’s the one,” said Annie, smiling weakly.

    “Why the heck is the city named after him? Isn’t he still around?” asked Alex.

    Ms. Gregory suddenly became solemn. Annie looked somewhat at loss for words. The tire axles hummed against the interior of the car.

    “What did I—?”

    “He’s dead, Alex,” the girl said.

    “What?”

    “Died in a shipwreck. There was a tsunami and…they didn’t make it.”

    “But I had no idea he was dead!” Alex cried, begging for innocence. “In all the books I’ve read, he was always talked about as if he was still alive.”

    Ms. Gregory shook her head, blinking repeatedly.

    “Sweetie…no dissertations on Pokémon research or discussion of Samuel Oak’s findings have been written since the professor’s death,” she said quietly. “Those books you’ve been reading are about as old as I am, if not older. There’s no interest in the field anymore.”

    No interest left in the field? Alex could hardly believe what he was hearing! When the boy was not in the isolated safety of his house, he was always at the library. Books had been his marvelous escape from being trapped in the dirty world of Veilstone City. The boy would sacrifice his health by taking a walk to the library in the ever-thickening smog nearly every day as a child. He sought out fantasies and stories of his father’s generation hidden in textbooks sitting on every bookshelf, just waiting for him to uncover their secrets.

    Never once had he read a book that did not reference Professor Oak and his work

    But never once had he checked the publication dates, either. Could his death really mean the desertion of the wonderful things he had read as a child?

    “Whatever happened to his lab? He had an observatory,” the boy muttered, slowly emerging from his disbelief.

    “It’s still here,” said Annie as the car took a right turn into an older neighborhood. “His estate and lab are on the outskirts. They’re abandoned, though.”

    “How come?”

    “His fellow researchers couldn’t keep the funds and grants going long enough to maintain the laboratory,” Alex’s mother replied. “With their lead scientist gone, a lot of his assistants were just…discredited and dismissed. No one thought there was any quality left in the field of Pokémon research.”

    For a moment, Alex analyzed this information. This man—this single human being had held together a scientific community and revolutionized the world as they knew it. After disaster struck, everyone just lost hope and faith? How could anybody ever stay held down by such tragedy?

    “But that was a long time ago.”

    Alex looked to his mother, and he thought for a moment that he saw tears in her eyes.

    “I’m sorry I asked. I didn’t mean to stir the pot,” he apologized quickly.

    “No, no—it’s fine, Alex,” said his mother, wiping her face with her free arm. “I mean…he was such a wonderful person. He was the heart of Pallet. It’s no wonder this place was named after him. I would have expected no less.”

    For the last few minutes of their drive, they discussed the new aspects of the city and what sorts of things they could do there, such as going to the cinema, visiting museums, and activities at Pier Four on the edge of Kantonian Sea.

    Meanwhile, Annie was trying her best to hide the fact that she had stolen a rather expensive item only an hour or so before they had all “met.” She was certainly proud of what she had done, because if everyone had to pay such ridiculous amounts of money for what they wanted, no one would ever be content. She considered herself more of a vigilante than a thief.

    Out of the blue, Annie jumped to Alex’s side of the car to the window, gaping down the street outside, gasping, and then laughing.

    “What?”

    “Is this the drive where you guys live?”

    “Yes. Clear Creek Drive,” Ms. Gregory said with dignity, pointing to a two-story white house with red trim just a few yards away, complete with a couple of moving vans parked outside. “That’s our new home.”

    “Seriously? Because I live just across the street!” Annie exclaimed, thrusting her head between the both of them, grinning crazily.

    They all began to laugh as they spotted a nearly identical house directly across from their own, except with blue trim and an iron mailbox stuck at the end of the carport that read “Valsign.”

    “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go home and get this thing washed up,” Annie explained, motioning to her knee as they slowed down to pull into their driveway. “My mom’s got tons of medical supplies.”

    “You sure you’ll be fine, Anneliese? I think it would be best that you tell your parents what happened today. I should be held accountable for roughing up your poor knee!”

    Annie’s thoughts wandered back to the dumbfounded looks on those cops who were scavenging the streets looking for her that afternoon. Ha, she would never be able to tell her parents about that. However, when the Gregorys started to pull their car next to the curb by her lawn, she snapped back to reality.

    “Oh, don’t worry about it, Janice,” she quickly replied.

    “No, really, I insist you let them know,” said the woman, although her pleading eyes told another story. Annie seemed to pick up the hint.

    “It was just an accident! Nothing to worry about,” said the girl, opening the door and stepping out onto her lawn. Janice was incredibly relieved at her response.

    “Well, don’t be a stranger!” Alex’s mom called. “We need to plan some kind of block party. If you want, you can visit us anytime! All right?”

    Annie chuckled, and said before closing the door, “Sure! See you guys. Thank you again for the ride.”

    Ms. Gregory waved at her cheerfully from behind the wheel, and she waved back. However, Annie’s gaze wandered to Alex, who was staring at her from the passenger seat. She watched him for a moment and stared back just as intensely into his deep, blue eyes. It must have rattled him, because after a few seconds, he turned away from her. She smirked, then turned around and walked toward her front door just before hearing their car pull into their own driveway.

    A thought hit her, and she hesitated for a moment before she went into her house.

    “Oh, I’ll visit,” she muttered to herself with wile. She then walked past the door and closed it tightly.

    After they had parked the car, the Gregorys jumped out and went straight to the trunk, where they had packed their last bundles of supplies and clothes left from their old home. Together, they unloaded their possessions and carried them up the steps and onto the landing.

    “Well, I think she’s a nice girl,” said Alex’s mother, watching him as he brought in an empty fish tank. “You should hang out with her sometime.”

    “Yeah,” Alex replied skeptically, looking at his mom, then back toward Annie’s house across the street. “Sure.”

    ~*~

    The slender form of a young woman stood on the side of Route One as cars and trucks whooshed by it carelessly. Here, the dark, dreary clouds withholding the weight of a hideous storm began to deploy their contents, little by little. She could feel the droplets plucking on contact with her coat and little beads of the stuff dripping along her rich, velvety hair. No one else could feel it coming, not even the absent-minded souls zooming by in their gas-guzzling cars without a care.

    She could feel them warning her, telling her not to get involved. But they weren’t going to have any mercy for her. Why should she submit?

    She stared at the “Entering Oaken Falls” sign with apprehension for a good few minutes, contemplating her fate.

    Then, with the swift flick of the wrist, she lashed out a gloved hand clutching a pair of rusted, coppery keys and purposefully trudged alongside the road to her next destination, the rain trailing with her like a grudge.
    Last edited by CHeSHiRe-CaT; 16th May 2008 at 11:58 PM.

  9. #9
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    Chesh, can I catch you? And keep you, and horde you untill the end of time? I mean, you rock, and I mean it. Seriously, you catch me by the first scentence and hook me down by the end of the first paragraph. And by the end of the chapter you leave me longing for the next installment and wishing time did not matter nor hinder your writing.

    I found very few errors, so few they didn't really register as important enough to point out, as you did a very good job of revising it, Chesh. As with the prologue you kept the depth of story and characters, and seem to make each one feel alive.

    I applaud you :D

    that and I wanted to make my second review a bit better 8D

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    I really like ther history of Oaken Falls--always was a geek for that sort of thing. Poor Oak, though...he was an awesome old fart. I'm guessing this mysterious island is going to be important somehow, one of those little islands where you find a Legendary making its summer home and sipping pina coladas.

    And I get a kick out of the fact that you have these updated technology gizmos, like the Ipod. XD

    If I was to write a story, I'd set it in Oaken Falls, too. I really like this city you've created.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    Chesh, can I catch you? And keep you, and horde you untill the end of time? I mean, you rock, and I mean it. Seriously, you catch me by the first scentence and hook me down by the end of the first paragraph. And by the end of the chapter you leave me longing for the next installment and wishing time did not matter nor hinder your writing.

    I found very few errors, so few they didn't really register as important enough to point out, as you did a very good job of revising it, Chesh. As with the prologue you kept the depth of story and characters, and seem to make each one feel alive.

    I applaud you

    that and I wanted to make my second review a bit better 8D
    Thank you, Yams. XD I actually put my heart into writing that inscription for Professor Oak, and describing the monument to the best of my abilities. Professor Oak has always been there for me in the games, and to personify him as this forgotten hero in this fic was something I wanted to express. This is the Pokemon world gone bad. D:

    Quote Originally Posted by Kiyohime View Post
    I really like ther history of Oaken Falls--always was a geek for that sort of thing. Poor Oak, though...he was an awesome old fart. I'm guessing this mysterious island is going to be important somehow, one of those little islands where you find a Legendary making its summer home and sipping pina coladas.

    And I get a kick out of the fact that you have these updated technology gizmos, like the Ipod. XD

    If I was to write a story, I'd set it in Oaken Falls, too. I really like this city you've created.
    Fart. :P Keep the mysterious island in your memory bank. I also can't stress enough how much the prologue pertains to the future plot of this fic, so put that in the back of your mind, too.

    And enjoy Oaken Falls—while it lasts. :3

    EDIT: The second chapter has at least sixteen pages so far. Is that a sufficient length, or can I keep going? D: This is an incredibly important chapter.
    Last edited by CHeSHiRe-CaT; 11th May 2008 at 3:39 AM.

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    Your commercial intrigued me, and your story is more then I could have hoped for. It's fantastic. Your writing style is great, and the Prologue and this girl with the keys have me guessing about a whole lot of things I certainly don't know the answers too. Keep it up, I have a feeling this is going to be a great fic. Certainly one I'll be following the whole way.
    Pokemon Y

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  13. #13
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    As I read this chapter, I started to remember it. Yes I read this the first time you posted it. I don;t remember the prologue so did you add it/change it?

    I loved this chapter the first time and I still love it this time. I love stories that are doooomed for end of the world plots.

    edit: This review fails. I'll try to give a more indepth one next time.
    Last edited by Lady Myuu; 12th May 2008 at 3:48 AM.
    Nearly eight years ago, I met Yami Ryu on this forum. She was a flamer and angry, but yet we became the best of friends.
    It was in December of 2011 that she found out she had cancer.
    It was January 9th when she passed away.
    A connection I made eight years ago on this forum passed away, alone, unloved by most, her own father probably didn't care.
    I love you, Yami Ryu, you are my best friend and I miss you so freakin much.

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    I remember you! We roleplayed together breifly in Psychic's SEFGL. I was Bao Dragonite~

    Now that I've gotten that over and done with: The story. I have a limited attention span and usually I read a few paragraphs and then I become bored with it. But yor opening intruiged me and I continued reading. You have a nice writing style; generally that's what holds my attention. No matter the plot or critical acclaim I will only read stories in which I like the author's style, and this is the rare kind that does.

    Annie is my favourite character so far, mainly because I like theives and because I don't really know Alex's personality very well. The little plot that has shown so far is interesting, but it's too early on to see if it'll keep me keen.

    I'm going to assume that the inn was an illusion to the Gregorys rather than time travel, as their not confused about anything like Oaken Falls. And it was Darkrai that caused Alex's Monster dream?

    Now, to conclude this haphazard semi-review, I'll be watching this one. I have not noticed any errors, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing anyway :P
    Quote Originally Posted by Persona 4
    A ploddingly-written romantic novel about a girl on her first day of school in a new town. Vampires are involved.

    ...The content of this book is almost physically painful for you to read.
    Bishie: Italy from Axis Powers Hetalia ^.^ I can share him with Germany~
    Shota: Oz from Pandora Hearts ^.^ Adorable~

    Speaking of Oz...

  15. #15
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    Very minor correction:

    “Mom…do you ever wonder why the sky gets so gloomy?
    There should be another double quotation mark at the end...


    I love the story. The first lines of the prologue really grabbed me and made me read the rest and Chapter 1. It's a shame that Professor Oak is dead, though - but I guess that's an important part of the plot.

    Keep it up - I really like where it's going so far.


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    Now to see what this fiction is about after all. Ah... it's been a while since I saw a good proper infernal scene. I think, unless I pointed this out in the first version, that the play on words with the name Oaken Falls is true beauty. If it's unintentional, it gets awesome points simply for the coincidence.

    I'm probably going to spend this review on pointless comments and empty praise and make my first real fluff review for a long time. It's all for your fiction!

    I'm trying to remember what edits you did from the earlier version. I think the first chapter is untouched but for perhaps refined proofreading, but I truly cannot remember what you had for the prologue in the last one. Well, this one here is probably the most effective eye-catch on the first page at the time of posting (and likely at the time of reading this). Oh... and a possible error my Nazi mesh picked out:

    What to choose from!
    What to choose from is the entire collection of gadgets in the shop, which is very easily defined by looking at the collection. Were you meaning "what to choose from all of this" or simply "what to choose"? I mean, it still makes sense in this state.

    Yeees... my first fluff review in a year. How did I do?

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Copie View Post
    Your commercial intrigued me, and your story is more then I could have hoped for. It's fantastic. Your writing style is great, and the Prologue and this girl with the keys have me guessing about a whole lot of things I certainly don't know the answers too. Keep it up, I have a feeling this is going to be a great fic. Certainly one I'll be following the whole way.
    Thank you! You flatter me. 8) I honestly didn't think this story would catch on. Most people are interested in reading fluffy OT fics with the occasional bad guy whose worst crime is theft or something like that. I believe in evoking as much emotion as I can in any single reader.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Myuu View Post
    As I read this chapter, I started to remember it. Yes I read this the first time you posted it. I don;t remember the prologue so did you add it/change it?

    I loved this chapter the first time and I still love it this time. I love stories that are doooomed for end of the world plots.

    edit: This review fails. I'll try to give a more indepth one next time.
    Yes, I added the prologue to add in a bit of foreshadowing. :X 'Nuff said. And thank you, I enjoy apocalyptic stories, too. XD But they need to be riveting and full of complication.
    Quote Originally Posted by ~Neon~ View Post
    I remember you! We roleplayed together breifly in Psychic's SEFGL. I was Bao Dragonite~

    Now that I've gotten that over and done with: The story. I have a limited attention span and usually I read a few paragraphs and then I become bored with it. But yor opening intruiged me and I continued reading. You have a nice writing style; generally that's what holds my attention. No matter the plot or critical acclaim I will only read stories in which I like the author's style, and this is the rare kind that does.

    Annie is my favourite character so far, mainly because I like theives and because I don't really know Alex's personality very well. The little plot that has shown so far is interesting, but it's too early on to see if it'll keep me keen.

    I'm going to assume that the inn was an illusion to the Gregorys rather than time travel, as their not confused about anything like Oaken Falls. And it was Darkrai that caused Alex's Monster dream?

    Now, to conclude this haphazard semi-review, I'll be watching this one. I have not noticed any errors, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing anyway :P
    Hey, it's great to see a familiar face, and thank you very much for your input! It seems that the most mischievous characters are easiest for me to write. xD But I'll be taking your comment about your inability to relate to Alex's personality into consideration for Chapter II. I understand that most of Chapter I was focused on Miss Anneliese and her downtown capers, and I will do my best to develop Alex further. After all, it's my goal for the reader to identify well with all of the main characters. ^^

    And thank you for using your knowledge of D/P to come to the Darkrai conclusion. :3 I've been waiting for someone to point it out. I won't say any more.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dramatic Melody View Post
    Very minor correction:


    There should be another double quotation mark at the end...


    I love the story. The first lines of the prologue really grabbed me and made me read the rest and Chapter 1. It's a shame that Professor Oak is dead, though - but I guess that's an important part of the plot.

    Keep it up - I really like where it's going so far.
    Oh, didn't spot that! D: As you can see, I've edited my posts so many times from proofreading that my signature doesn't even appear at the end of the first post nor the end of the first chapter, haha.

    And you're definitely right in assuming that Professor Oak's death is the cornerstone of this plot. As unfortunate as it may seem, his death is what will inadvertently ignite all of the events in the story.
    Quote Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek View Post
    Now to see what this fiction is about after all. Ah... it's been a while since I saw a good proper infernal scene. I think, unless I pointed this out in the first version, that the play on words with the name Oaken Falls is true beauty. If it's unintentional, it gets awesome points simply for the coincidence.

    I'm probably going to spend this review on pointless comments and empty praise and make my first real fluff review for a long time. It's all for your fiction!

    I'm trying to remember what edits you did from the earlier version. I think the first chapter is untouched but for perhaps refined proofreading, but I truly cannot remember what you had for the prologue in the last one. Well, this one here is probably the most effective eye-catch on the first page at the time of posting (and likely at the time of reading this). Oh... and a possible error my Nazi mesh picked out:



    What to choose from is the entire collection of gadgets in the shop, which is very easily defined by looking at the collection. Were you meaning "what to choose from all of this" or simply "what to choose"? I mean, it still makes sense in this state.

    Yeees... my first fluff review in a year. How did I do?
    :P Pretty good, in my opinion.

    At the time of picking a name for the city, my main criteria were playing on the professor's last name and making it eye-grabbing at the same time. I'd always liked the word "Falls" in names of towns and cities, but I'd realized the double-meaning to "Oaken Falls" only after I'd smacked the words onto a dark banner and thrust the thing into my sig. XD It not only memorialized the dear professor's fate, but provided a nice bit of foreshadowing.

    I hadn't included a prologue in the first version, so that's probably why it was so unfamiliar. However, the most significant change I had made to the first chapter was the addition of Annie's run-in with the bronze statue of Oak and telling off that Tommy kid to the beginning. Otherwise, everything is pretty much untouched (aside from what my syntax radar found and destroyed this time around).

    Ohhh, see, I originally thought it was turning that short line into an exclamation that had set off your bad grammar alarm. XD But after reading over your comment again, I see that I'd meant to write "what to choose." Thank you for correcting me. ^^



    And thank you all again for your feedback and comments! I'm already finished with Chapter II and am an inch away from completing Chapter III, so by the time Friday arrives, you'll be just two chapters from that "good proper infernal scene" Luphinid Silnaek described (from the commercial, right?), and I'll be feeling pretty confident with my writing ahead of schedule.

    Hope to have more readers on board before Friday.

  18. #18
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    Ok, I'm a fan now! I'm a huge Oak fan, so I was dissappointed when you took him out of the picture so soon, but at least your giving him the respect that, in my opinon, he diserves. I can't wait to read what happens next! I usually have something to critque, but so far, I give this fic an 8 1/2. Great writing style, correct English (from what I can see), and a good story line so far. I would, however, suggest that you speed up the story a bit. This a very interesting story so far and would like to see the story develop faster. Keep up the great work!

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    Well...you've gotten me hooked. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but your writing style is beautiful. You've basically crushed my dreams as a fanfic writer, knowing my fic has to compete with yours.

    Haha, just kidding. Seriously, though, it's amazing. I'm looking forward to Chapter Two!
        Spoiler:- Credit:

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    Quote Originally Posted by pokeaidmissy View Post
    Ok, I'm a fan now! I'm a huge Oak fan, so I was dissappointed when you took him out of the picture so soon, but at least your giving him the respect that, in my opinon, he diserves. I can't wait to read what happens next! I usually have something to critque, but so far, I give this fic an 8 1/2. Great writing style, correct English (from what I can see), and a good story line so far. I would, however, suggest that you speed up the story a bit. This a very interesting story so far and would like to see the story develop faster. Keep up the great work!
    Hey now, it was only Chapter I. :P Had to introduce all of the main characters first. These things can't be rushed, and most of the really exciting action won't happen until Chapter III or IV. In the meantime, I'll try to hold your attention in Chapter II. XD It has some interesting discoveries.
    Quote Originally Posted by Tanookie View Post
    Well...you've gotten me hooked. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but your writing style is beautiful. You've basically crushed my dreams as a fanfic writer, knowing my fic has to compete with yours.

    Haha, just kidding. Seriously, though, it's amazing. I'm looking forward to Chapter Two!
    Thanks for the review! ^^ But if you weren't kidding, don't try to compare two works by two different artists. Each individual has his or her own unique style which is known for its distinctive qualities. If we all wrote the same, fics would be boring. :P

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    Haha, I loved it when Annie sweared at that Tommy. You know, for some reason, I've always thought of Saffron City as a city of arrogant, stupid, and immature people. I guess it's because of the Sabrina episode, but I honestly don't know. xP I also loved how you mentioned Sliph spreading itself and all, because I enjoy seeing or reading things that make Business seem evil. (:

    Annie's disguise is brilliantly genius, and I think I've said that you long ago, but oh well!

    “I think it’s ridiculous,” the other replied, getting into the passenger side. “Some kid just walks into a store, grabs expensive stuff, walks out, and seemingly vanishes.”
    Because she's a freaking genius.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Timid Kyogre View Post
    Haha, I loved it when Annie sweared at that Tommy. You know, for some reason, I've always thought of Saffron City as a city of arrogant, stupid, and immature people. I guess it's because of the Sabrina episode, but I honestly don't know. xP I also loved how you mentioned Sliph spreading itself and all, because I enjoy seeing or reading things that make Business seem evil. (:

    Annie's disguise is brilliantly genius, and I think I've said that you long ago, but oh well!



    Because she's a freaking genius.
    You mean swore at Tommy. D: And yeah, by this time, Saffron is so industrialized that it's not even funny. Worse than Oaken Falls, actually (but you'll see for yourself in a few chapters). And yes, Annie is a genius. (:

    Okay, I'm revising the next chapter and trying to finish the big, bad Chapter III. Let's just say that I am appalled at my own heartlessness at what I'm about to do. D: So heartless that I have actually told other people today how horrible I am.

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    >.> just to let you know- I blame you for the horror I have unleashed in OT fics.

    Outside that;
    So heartless that I have actually told other people today how horrible I am.
    Don't worry, no matter how heartless you are, I am twice as worse as it. 8D

    <.< or maybe not, you've done some ba- er I mean, hey, Chesh, YOU ARE MADE OF SUNSHINES AND SMILES AND RAINBOWS AND LITTLE KITTENS AND.. and.. why are you looking at me like that? I'm not on drugs.

    I use soda for my highs >.>

    Anyways, seriously, wether you are horrible or not, I will still read the next chapter :x

  24. #24
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    Jun 2007
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    Very good. I didn't read the previous version, so I suppose I'm a little out on this one, but that's okay with me. Most everything was very good, so good that I'm reduced to nitpicks. XD

    He perished on an expedition to an uncharted island near the Hoenn region in a terrible shipwreck thirty years before the erection of this monument. It was an event that shocked and devastated the entire world. His grandchildren cannot survive his legacy as they, too, had joined him in his seafaring expedition to oblivion.
    Hmm...I think there might be more to it than that...

    “What’s your name?” the girl in sweats asked.
    Here is one of those nitpicks. The girl in sweats is...not wrong, but it doesn't read right. I think you would do fine to just say the girl instead, as it's already established that she's wearing sweats.

    “Dude, whatever! Get away from me!” Tommy screamed, pushing back against the girl’s grey-eyed glare.

    She then made a roaring noise in his face, which was enough to send him scurrying off like a disturbed little Spinarak. The girl placed her hands on her hips and grinned in approval, and then slipped her sunglasses back on.

    Today was going to be a great day!
    Heh, I felt right from the start Annie will be a fun character.

    She was soon greeted by the coolest breeze from the air conditioning inside. Stacked along aisles and aisles were products of every variety and purpose and hip combinations of rock and techno music played over the lobby speakers. Buyers all around her were making purchases at the check stands and workers circled around the store like Sharpedo, desperate to earn a commission. Cold, sleek steel curved the store into an auditorium of technology and paradise for lovers of everything digital. The girl twirled in circles, basking in the brilliance of it all.

    What to choose from!

    Why, it seemed like it was only a few seconds before she had her hands on a box containing a Metallic Blue model of the PokéNav Globe and cheerfully walked straight out of the store that security alarms were sent spiraling into mad frenzies of honking and beeping. Several clerks and a few security workers darted after her in response.

    “HEY, YOU! MISS! GET BACK WITH THAT NOW!”

    From their chilly cavern, the employees rushed out onto the sidewalk into the burning sun, shooting glances all around as their eyes worked urgently at adjusting to the vast amounts of light bombarding them.
    This was a bit surprising to me, but in a good way. A nice twist, I would say.

    For the longest time, there was quietness between all of them.
    Quietness, like before, works, but silence would sound much better I think.

    Nitpicks aside, this is a very very good fic so far. Description is excellent and vibrant, characters are decent, if a bit unremarkable (with the exception of Annie) and the world itself is something. I love the name Oaken Falls...it works excellently and is a perfect name for a town named for Professor Oak.

    About that...I probably just missed it, but when did he die exactly? That seems to be a turning point in the past of Oaken Falls, I think.

    Honestly, a very good start. A couple of things seemed a bit inconsistent (like Ms. Gregory hitting Annie with the car, and yet she seemed mostly fine and Ms. Gregory's worries seemingly vanished afterward) but on the whole very good job. The beginning was also very good, and really had the right feel to it. The next chapter should be interesting, no doubt.

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
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    Seattle
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    575

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    Chesh, YOU ARE MADE OF SUNSHINES AND SMILES AND RAINBOWS AND LITTLE KITTENS AND.. and.. why are you looking at me like that? I'm not on drugs.
    Actually, if you met me in real life, you would be under the impression that the sun shines out my ass. :P However, I do have a sick sense of humor.
    Quote Originally Posted by FlameMaster4895 View Post
    This is definitely one i will be reading the whole way! Keeep up the great work homes!
    "Homes." XD I haven't lol'd that hard in a while.
    Quote Originally Posted by duncan View Post
    Very good. I didn't read the previous version, so I suppose I'm a little out on this one, but that's okay with me. Most everything was very good, so good that I'm reduced to nitpicks. XD



    Hmm...I think there might be more to it than that...



    Here is one of those nitpicks. The girl in sweats is...not wrong, but it doesn't read right. I think you would do fine to just say the girl instead, as it's already established that she's wearing sweats.



    Heh, I felt right from the start Annie will be a fun character.



    This was a bit surprising to me, but in a good way. A nice twist, I would say.



    Quietness, like before, works, but silence would sound much better I think.

    Nitpicks aside, this is a very very good fic so far. Description is excellent and vibrant, characters are decent, if a bit unremarkable (with the exception of Annie) and the world itself is something. I love the name Oaken Falls...it works excellently and is a perfect name for a town named for Professor Oak.

    About that...I probably just missed it, but when did he die exactly? That seems to be a turning point in the past of Oaken Falls, I think.

    Honestly, a very good start. A couple of things seemed a bit inconsistent (like Ms. Gregory hitting Annie with the car, and yet she seemed mostly fine and Ms. Gregory's worries seemingly vanished afterward) but on the whole very good job. The beginning was also very good, and really had the right feel to it. The next chapter should be interesting, no doubt.
    A critical review! I am actually really excited to see other people point out my flaws, so thank you, duncan. This gives me the chance to improve upon my writing. I'm going to look over Chapter I again and fix a few of the inconsistencies and awkward language you mentioned, as well as other errors I might happen to come across.

    Oh, and as for Professor Oak, he died thirty years prior to the events chronicled in this story.



    I'm getting behind on my homework, folks. I have a presentation on Japanese women and their culture due Monday as well as some environmental work. I'm leaning towards Saturday to post Chapter II, so it won't be a terrible delay (technically speaking, Chapter I was posted last Saturday). Let me just fill you in on my schedule for the next two weeks (although this will mostly help me line my ducks in a row):

    May 16th - May 18th: Read Kickboxing Geishas for feminist unit in English, choose individual woman from story, create PowerPoint presentation using notes on woman's life and cultural aspects of modern-day Japan, memorize lines for end-of-semester play, revise and edit Chapter II of Oaken Falls before posting

    May 19th - May 24th: Study for finals, use slacking time to finish Chapter III of Oaken Falls and revise to post on Friday or Saturday

    May 25th - May 29th: Finals week, Dresden Dolls concert, write Chapter IV of Oaken Falls and revise to post on Thursday before leaving for Washington on Friday

    May 30th - June 1st: Two-day road trip to Washington State, begin writing Chapter V of Oaken Falls in a notebook

    The rest is unknown from there. XP

    ================================================== ================================

    EDIT: BE SURE TO CHECK CHAPTER I TONIGHT! The driving scene with Janice and Alex will be revised and more in-depth than before (as well as the portion just before Janice hits Annie in her car)! I apologize for the inconvenience, but I felt it was absolutely necessary for me to elaborate even more on the characters of Alex and Janice Gregory. I promise that from now on, I will put this kind of thought into future chapters before posting. XP

    ================================================== ================================
    Last edited by CHeSHiRe-CaT; 16th May 2008 at 12:11 AM.

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