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Thread: Pokemon Infinity

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Infinity

    This is my second attempt at a proper Fan fic. I abandoned my first one after three chapters. I'm only 13 and starting out writing stories so please don't be too harsh. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.



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    Pokemon Infinity



    Disclaimer:The characters portrayed in this story are purely fictional. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely co-incedential. Pokemon and related is owned by Gamefreak and Pokemon Inc. All original characters are owned by me.



    Rating: This fic ranges from PG to PG-13. Minor swear words and violence might occur in later chapters.



    Chapter List:


    Arc 1:The Beginning of the Journey
    Prologue *
    Chapter 1: Escape *
    Chapter 2: Archie *
    Chapter 3: Raven
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    Chapter 4: The Thrill of the Chase |or| The Skies of Cinnabar *
    Chapter 5: Deceptions **
    Chapter 6: The Journey to Hoenn **/
    Chapter 7: Capture**/
    Chapter 8: The Millennium Festival **/
    Chapter 9: The Wishmaker**/
    Chapter 10: Attacks and Revelations**/
    Chapter 11: Archie's Secret**/
    Chapter 12: Ferina**/
    Epilogue **//


    Arc 2: The Race Against Time
    Chapter 1: **//


    Key:

    * : Chapter completed
    ** : Chapter in progress
    **/: Tentative name
    **// : No name


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    Prologue:


    The battle field was quiet. Bodies lay eveywhere, dried blood near their lifeless forms, humans and pokemon alike. A charizard walked down the the field, body splattered with blood and limping. He strolled, absent-mindedly kicking a few bodies here and there. Then he stopped, as if he was convinced, and declared with a deafening roar, 'WE WON!'

    The pokemon army roared back in triumph, their voices echoing around the mountains surrounding them.

    In the future, there is a war going on between and pokemon. It started in the year 2895, a time when pokemon were mistreated and used as slaves,and when a researcher in Hoenn created a bacterium which he thought would accelerate the growth of pokemon; an advanced form of PokeRus. He thought that with his new invention, he would become rich and famous. He believed that trainers would line up and buy samples of the virus for their pokemon. He thought that the virus was completely safe.

    He was wrong.

    The researcher tested some on certain pokemon, but he failed to realize that along with physical development the virus also accelerated mental growth. Pokemon became smarter. Unfortuneatly, many pokemon began to see their position in the world. They began to see themselves as pets or tools used to accomplish things which humans couldn’t, made to battle each other for their trainer’s entertainment. The researcher’s pokemon attacked him and his colleagues and escaped.

    Unfortunately, the virus spread fast, faster than PokeRus. Soon many pokemon were infected. Another unseen side-effect was that they became stronger, much stronger than the had been. Ordinary pokeballs failed to hold them and the badge clause was broken. They all attacked their trainers and any other humans whom they saw or met. These attacks were small scale and since the researcher’s experiments were secret, the Hoenn government paid no attention to them. The attacks were passed off as mishandling of pokemon.

    Oblivious to everyone, the pokemon were forming a secret society: The Resistance; aimed at eliminating humans and creating a world where pokemon could live freely. Most of the pokemon willingly joined the society but some were forced to.

    In the beginning of 2896, the Resistance launched an attack from their base in Mt. Pyre. Not all pokemon were part of the revolt. Some were against it, but those that resisted were punished by the leaders who still thought that humans were evil. They took over Lilycove city. The attack was so sudden that people failed to realise what was going on. They took control of resources and readied themselves to attack the other cities. Most of the people were killed but a few escaped and managed to warn then others. By this time the number of pokemon affected by the virus had become about five-hundred thousand and as they moved on, the virus spread and their numbers increased. The Resistance moved quickly, mercilessly killing every human who stood before them. The Hoenn government, realizing how big the threat was, ordered an immediate evacuation. The people were taken to Johto and Kanto which were nearest. A part of the army stayed back hoping to intercept and defeat the resistance. But they were not prepared. The soldiers had no experience, as the last war took place over a milennia ago. They were easily defeated.

    Meanwhile, in Kanto and Johto, a massive operation was taking place to kill all the pokemon. The people tried to protect them but Grizlo Mortenza, head of the government, was well known for his cruelty. All the pokemon were killed, and anyone who tried to intervene was kill also, during the month that came to be known as Bloody March.

    The Resistance took over Sinnoh, Orre and Fiore in the year. A few of the people living there had been transported to Kanto and Johto but the majority perished. The humans sent peace treaties to negotiate with the pokemon but they were all rejected. And so the war began.

    The war carried on for a long time. Unexpectedly, the virus evolved and became stronger over time. So, as the human technology got more advanced, pokemon grew stronger to match it.

    The humans, eventually, created bombs so powerful that they could blow up an entire region. But these were not used because it was calculated that it would cause irreparable damage to the environment.

    As the war went on society changed. Children were sent to schools when they were five years old to learn basic education, namely that pokemon were evil and had to be destroyed, until they were sixteen. Then the students were classified into groups. The smartest were sent to join the government training centers, and the fittest were sent to join the army. The rest were allowed to stay and took up other various other jobs.

    The war raged on for another century and our story begins in the year 3005 in the city of Saffron in Kanto…

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    Last edited by poke poke; 29th September 2008 at 11:38 AM.

  2. #2
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    but he failed to realize that along with physical development the virus also accelerated metal growth. Pokemon became smarter
    Because pokemon brains are made of metal 8D

    The only things I don't like, one, the scientist should have used studies, small scale, in his own labratory. If he was this evil or good, he would have. It's always messy when you sneak out and do over world testing.

    The second is... All pokemon are killing all humans? Sorry but even tho I like to see all sorts of ideas pokemon wise. This is just.. lol.

    The movies and anime and manga show, that pokemon can easily disobey their trainers. In games sure they're slaves- but not all pokemon are treated like ****, so, why would a pokemon, raised from the egg, kill its owner Because its owner pampered and spoiled it like a rotten little thing, because that's how alot of people treat their pets.

    So yeah, I find it hard all pokemon suddenly went on a rampage, even if they became smarter, and started WWI in the pokemon world.

    You should read Animal Farm if I got it right, or watch the animated version, as it seems you went for something like this, but even Animal Farm showed not all animals wanted to be in the revolt, some were actually well cared for by the people.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    The second is... All pokemon are killing all humans? Sorry but even tho I like to see all sorts of ideas pokemon wise. This is just.. lol.

    The movies and anime and manga show, that pokemon can easily disobey their trainers. In games sure they're slaves- but not all pokemon are treated like ****, so, why would a pokemon, raised from the egg, kill its owner Because its owner pampered and spoiled it like a rotten little thing, because that's how alot of people treat their pets.

    So yeah, I find it hard all pokemon suddenly went on a rampage, even if they became smarter, and started WWI in the pokemon world.

    You should read Animal Farm if I got it right, or watch the animated version, as it seems you went for something like this, but even Animal Farm showed not all animals wanted to be in the revolt, some were actually well cared for by the people.
    I always forget one thing or another in the stories I write

    Yes, all Pokemon are not, or at least, do not want to be a part of the revolt. This is going to be important in the story later on.

    As for why pokemon are killing everyone, I edited the first post.

    EDIT: Rank up. WOOHOO!

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    After a really, really long time, here's Chapter 1:

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    Chapter: 1

    Escape:



    Bedroom, Draven Residence. 200th floor, Platinum Plaza, 1:30


    The city was quiet. Unnatural shadows of the skyscrapers fell onto the street far below, a few cars flying through the city. Only one building, one floor was illuminated. The building itself was comparatively larger then the rest, sleeked with slivery metal and glass glistening in the moonlight You could tell by looking at it that rich people lived there. The light in a windoow of the building flickered on and off, but the people slept on, unaware...

    Ron hurriedly stuffed his clothes into his Fuld’s sphere, pausing once in a while to make sure his parents were asleep. He took out his shoes from his cupboard, held it in front of the mechanical eye of the sphere and waited as it was converted into data and stored in the 45000000 GB hard drive. He paused for a moment and admired it. It was a perfect sphere, as big as a base ball with an LCD touch screen at the center. It could be shrunken down to the size of a grape when one pressed a little button at the side. Pokeballs disappeared a hundred years ago, but a scientist named Jonathan Fuld took the concept of the pokeball and created this small wonder.

    Ron sighed. Technology was an amazing thing. It was too bad that it was being used for the wrong reasons. He shook his head and returned to earth. He had to concentrate on what he was doing, running away. For the next day, he was being sent to join the army.

    Ron was sixteen, the age of manhood. His father was the war minister. So even though Ron wasn’t good at sports or any other thing involving physical activity, he was being made to join the army. He was taught to believe that pokemon were evil but he didn’t. He had heard the old stories about pokemon and people living in harmony. He had often asked his parents about legendary pokemon, trainers and breeders but they refused to tell him. He was a bookish and his frequent visits to the library helped him to uncover what had happened 1000 years ago. Yes there were many books written by pro-pokemon groups. They uncovered the history of pokemon and recorded their findings even though the government declared it illiegal. Soon all the copies were deleted from the original folders in the library and stored in a special file which no one was allowed to access; but Ron knew his way around the codes very well. People called them crazy but Ron didn't. He read about many pokemon legends, stories of pokemon and their trainers, but one interested him the most…

    He heard something behind him, something like grunting. He turned around to see the metal wall dividing his and his parent’s room. He frowned. Taking the Fuld’s sphere in his hand, he hastily began scrolling through the contents in it. When he had found what he wanted, he pointed the tip of the sphere towards his table. There was a flash of light and a pair of OptiXray sunglasses appeared on his table, one of the latest inventions of Silph Co. At the lowest range they could see through clothes and at the highest, through metals. He had received them as a gift on his 13th birthday. He had used them on many occasions but mainly on attractive females. He put them on and adjusted them to a high frequency. Then he turned to the wall again. He could see the figure of his father curled up in bed mouth wide open. Then grunting sound came again, softer than before. Ron’s body relaxed. His father was still sleeping. He put the OptiXray back into the Fuld’s sphere and looked around his room.

    It was quite large by the normal standards. He was the son of one of the most important people in the government, after all. He glanced at his possessions, his hover bed, his table, the virtual screen built into the wall and his bathroom. All the remaining items were inside the Fuld’s sphere. He looked at his clothes; a fully black Gravi branded anti-tear shirt covered with a rayon cloak since it was November and a skintight pair of pants. His pale hand ran through his Flaming-red hair.

    Well, he thought, I’d better go. No reason for me to stick around any longer.

    But he didn’t move. Running away was harder than it looked on T.V.

    After what seemed like hours, he realized that he had to get going. He went to his door and punched in a code onto the keypad next to it. He stepped out as the door opened and quietly moved through the corridor and, with all the delicacy and grace of a drunken man, knocked down a vase. Futuristic material had prevented the vase from breaking, but that didn’t stop it from making a hell of a noise.

    CLANG CLANG CLANG, went the vase and instantly a loud and deep sound pierced the darkness.

    ‘RON? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW YOU IDIOT?’

    ‘Shit…’Ron muttered. He ran down the corridor, past the living room and towards the main door. He could hear his father’s footsteps behind him. He typed in the code and stepped out into the hallway.

    ‘RON!’

    He looked around for a quick exit. He scanned the long hallway, glanced at the synthetic, 28th century, and beautifully designed carpet, the hydro-lifts in the middle, and at the end of the hallway… a window. An idea popped into his head, an idiotic one. Hovwever, idiocy would have to be risked, for now. He decided that he had no choice but to his extreme dissatisfaction, his house was at the other end of the corridor. He ran, adrenalin pumping into his brain, past the numerous doors, opened the window and ran back. He took out the Fuld’s sphere and materialized a hover-bike. He got on it and hesitated for a second which gave enough time for his father to poke his bald head and toothbrush moustache out of the door.

    ‘What do you think you’re…?’

    It was then that Ron’s adrenaline filled brain went into overdrive. Using all his strength, he stamped his foot on the accelerator and whether because of sheer luck or prodigious skill, he flew straight through the window.

    ‘RONALD!’ cried his father as Ron tried to straighten his hover-bike while zooming away from the apartment at an incredible speed. He slowed down and flew on past buildings with no idea to where he was going. He looked around and glanced at the gigantic Silph Co. at the heart of the city which cast shadows on all the smaller buildings close to it. Slowly, his brain began to work again and he thought about what had just happened.

    He had performed the worst runaway in the history of runaways. He had woken up his father, a government official, who would have the police on his trail faster than the speed of light and he was out in the city at midnight with no clue as to where to go. He looked around at the few cars flying further away. Since he was just a kid on a hover-bike in the middle of the night he would arouse suspicion. He sighed and decided to head down to G-level.

    Since the buildings were so tall in Saffron and other major cities, the whole city was divided into altitude levels: Ground level, Ruby level, Sapphire level, Emerald level, Pearl level, Diamond level and at the top with a height of 5000 meters, Azure level. Only a few of the most important buildings, like Silph Co. reached Azure level. The names were shortened to G-level, R-level, etcetera.

    Ron pressed a button near the handlebars and a holographic screen popped up. It told him that he was in P-level, about 2500 meters above sea level. It would take him a while to get down to G-level. He flew next to a nearby building and descended parallel to its height with his chest pressed on the handlebars hoping that nobody would notice him. Now he needed a plan

    His brain started criticizing him, you run away in the middle of the night while waking up the entire building you lived in, and you don't have a plan?

    A smaller, squeekier part of his brain countered, Well he couldn't have possibly forseen what had happened now.

    The argument in Ron's brain didn't last for long and soon subsided, only to be replaced by a growing worry.

    He wondered what he would do in G-level. The place was very filthy and littered with beggars or people who had lost their families in the war and couldn’t afford to purchase a higher flat. There were many empty houses and Ron thought that he could stay in one of them for the night and decide what he was going to do the next day. But the thought had barely crossed his mind when he heard a magnified voice.

    Ronald Draven. Stop the hover-bike and turn around.’

    Ron turned around in panic. He saw five or six men in navy-blue uniforms and jetpacks. The police. He couldn’t believe that his father had called them so fast. He didn’t care about subtlety anymore. It was time to get the heck out of there. He jammed his foot on the accelerator again and flew with a burst of speed to the ground below. The sudden change in acceleration almost knocked him out of his seat. He steadied himself and tightly gripped the handle bars with his hair flying and his cloak flapping behind him. The ground was getting closer by the second.

    ‘Wait for it,’ he thought to himself.

    He could hear the whooshing sounds of the jetpacks behind him. He checked the altitude meter. He was in S-level now, 500 meters and descending rapidly. He heard a high pitched ‘fheew’ sound and saw a beam of light narrowly missing him and proceeding to darken the surface of the ground below.

    Ron yelled and almost lost control of his bike but straightened it just in time. ‘Great,’ he thought frantically, ‘now they’re shooting at me.’

    He heard someone shouting behind him. ‘Don’t shoot you idiot. We’re not here to kill the boy.’

    Ron checked the altitude meter again. 210 meters. 205 meters. 200 meters. He had entered G-level.

    ‘Almost there…’

    He felt something his back. He turned around and saw one of the officers had gotten close to him and was trying to catch hold of him. Ron’s heart went up to his throat. He was a 100 meters from ground now.

    ‘Just a little more…’

    He could feel the officer’s hand scraping his back. He raised his leg and aimed a kick at the officer but the officer caught it. Panicking, he started thrashing his leg about. The officer let go of the leg but caught his cloak instead.

    ‘You won’t get away that easily, kid.’

    20 meters. 15 meters. 10 meters.

    ‘Now…’

    Ron took of his cloak and straightened the hover-bike mere seconds before crashing. The officer who was holding his cloak smashed into the ground but the others were still behind him. He was flying parallel to the ground now, past the huge bases of the buildings. A smell like garbage filled the air and the whole street was a mess. Litter was strewn about everywhere. The lampposts and the buildings were covered with rust. Ron saw an open metallic door outside one of the buildings. He turned his hover-bike towards it and flew towards it.

    One of the police shot again at the hover-bike. It missed but it startled Ron who lost control of the bike for a second and crashed into one of the corners of the door. The bike flew, into the building spinning wildly and throwing Ron off it. He fell hard onto the floor as the bike crashed into a corner of the room. He sat dazed for a second and then got up and observed the dark room.

    It had a low ceiling and had four pillars in each of the four corners with a staircase in the center. His hover-bike was near one of the pillars apparently undamaged. He ran over to it, took out his Fuld’s sphere and returned the bike into it. He heard the whooshing sound of the jetpacks and ran towards the staircase. As he climbed up he heard a deep voice

    ‘Don’t run kid. We won’t hurt you; just take you back to your father.’

    He reached the top of the staircase and entered a small floor with three door ways and a hydro-lift. He went to the lift but there was an ‘Out Of Order’ sign on it. The sounds of the police climbing the staircase could be heard as Ron started trying all the doors. They were all locked with codes. It was then that he became aware of a wet sensation at the back of his head. He ran his hand through his hair, looked at it and gasped. Blood. He became dizzy, maybe it was because of the sight of the blood or maybe it wasn’t. Then, Ron couldn’t tell whether it was a hallucination or not, a door appeared in front of him. Purely out of instinct, he jammed his hand on the button next to it. The door opened and he ran inside. As the door closed behind him, the pain in his head got to him. He gasped and fell down. The muffled voices of the police could be heard through the door. He lay slumped on the floor until…

    ‘This is rather an unpleasant intrusion.’

    Ron looked up and saw a middle aged man, probably in his early forties, sitting on a chair in the centre of the room. He was wearing plain white pants and a shirt with a high collar that made him look younger. The room was really small, or at least small to Ron who had lived his life in large, magnificent rooms. There was a small V-tv in one of the walls and a few sofas around it, one of which the man was sitting on. The kitchen was in the same room with an old Omni-cooler, a worn out heater and a metallic dining table which hover-chairs around it. Behind the kitchen was a hallway that probably led to other rooms.

    Ron groaned and stood up. He shook his head and walked towards the man.

    ‘Look, I’m sorry but…’

    BOOM

    The explosion knocked Ron of his feet. The police had apparently decided that blowing the door would be more appropriate to opening it manually. Three officers came through the doorway, still wearing backpacks, with Silph. X209 Blasters in their hands. The fourth officer was probably tending to the fifth who had crashed.

    Ron got to his feet, stumbled, straightened himself and walked slowly towards the man, who had now gotten up.

    ‘Dismiss my earlier statement,’ he whispered in Ron’s ear. ‘This is a real intrusion.’

    One of the officers stepped forward with a blaster in his hand and smug look on his face. ‘Alright kid. You’ve led us in a magnificent chase so far but you should have known you had no chance. Now come quietly and no one will get hurt.’

    Ron whispered to the man. ‘Is there any other way out?’

    ‘Back entrance.’ the man replied.

    The officer’s expression changed into irritation. ‘You planning to escape? If you try anything I’ll shoot.’ He turned the gun towards the man. ‘And if you try to help him, you both are screwed.’

    Ron was moving backwards towards the miniature kitchen where the utensils were kept. He hurriedly whispered, ‘When I say now, run towards the back entrance.’

    ‘But he’ll shoot.’ the man replied in the same tone.

    ‘He won’t.’

    The officer stepped forward. ‘You listening to me, kid? Come here now.’ When Ron still didn’t step forward, he grunted, ‘Hopeless. I have to get him myself.’

    He started walking forward just when Ron’s hand closed around a steel glass. He picked it up and threw it with all his might. It ricocheted of the officer’s head with a dull clunk as Ron shouted, ‘NOW!’

    Both Ron and the man ran past the kitchen and into the hallway as the two other officers leaped over their motionless comrade and pursued them.

    ‘This way.’ the man cried and ran into a smaller hallway with another door at the end of it.

    ‘The door?’ cried Ron running wildly ahead of the man

    ‘It’s open.’

    Ron reached the door first and pressed the button to open it. They both rushed out of the door but the man stayed back, closed the door and entered a key code to lock it. The hallway outside was similar to the first one with three more doors, a hydro-lift and a staircase. They both headed down the staircase and when they reach the ground Ron stopped to catch his breath.

    ‘What do we do now?’ he asked the man while panting heavily.

    ‘I don’t know. You tell me.’ he replied, panting but still surprisingly calm.

    A loud sound, like an explosion, came from somewhere above them. ‘They’ve blown the door.’ Ron said. He took out his Fuld’s sphere, fiddled with it, and materialized his hover-bike. He sat on it and beckoned the man to sit with him. The man sat behind him and gripped his back tightly.

    ‘Hang on.’ Ron said as the hover-bike levitated and flew through an open window at the same time that a voice yelled ‘HEY! COME BACK HERE!’

    The familiar stench filled Ron’s nostrils as he flew away from the building. He heard high pitched sounds again and realized that the other two officers were shooting at him. He swerved around to dodge them. His head started pounding and he found it hard to concentrate.

    ‘Are you okay, son?’ asked the man. Ron didn’t have time to reply. One of the laser beams hit the motor of the bike. Ron shouted in pain as the searing heat of the burst engine burnt his leg. Teh pain shot through him, his nerve endings were frying. He tried to control the bike but to no avail. The pounding in his head became greater. He was losing consciousness.

    ‘Son…’

    Ron slumped onto the handle bars unable to bear the pain. A strong arm grabbed his body and lifted him out of the bike. He opened his eyes and saw blearily as the hover-bike fell down, smoke rising from it. A bead of blood dripped from his hair and fell after the bike. He became dimly aware that he was flying. The pain in his head and legs was awesome.

    ‘Don’t worry.’ said a voice but Ron didn’t know who's it was or to whom it was talking to. The last thing he remembered before he passed out was the pain in his head and his leg and the wind whipping in his face.


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    Since my exams are over, I'll be able to post chapters faster. Please comment or review.
    Last edited by poke poke; 8th July 2008 at 5:53 PM.

  5. #5
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    Pretty good, but just one thing. Why would some random guy help Ron when armed police are pouring through the door? It doesn't make sense.

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    Quote Originally Posted by storymasterb View Post
    Pretty good, but just one thing. Why would some random guy help Ron when armed police are pouring through the door? It doesn't make sense.
    This million-dollar question is very important to the plot.

    So I'm not telling you.

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    I promised you I would review back at Hercules the Second, so here we go!

    The Review
    I like how you placed it in a futuristic-like setting, almost like a serious Pokemon version of Futurama. This virus in the Prologue, does it have any major effect throughout the fic? And I will also be sure to beta if you need me. I may seem like a n00b, but I started out all the way back at 4Kids (scary!), Fanfiction net, and then here, so I have a pretty good record. Either way, I like how this story is turning out and hope to keep on reading it. I suggest you make a PM list, which is a group of people who want to be updated on the latest chapter. Scroll down for the score.

    7/10 for good plot, a bit of rushing, and a sci-fi setting (what can I say, I'm a fan of Star Wars, so sci-fi touches me!)

    So that's your review, see ya!

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    I'd love to have you as a beta . Did you apply at the Beta Redux thread? And do you want to be on the PM list too?

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    Not yet at the beta redux, but can't I just do it anyway? But for the PM list, yes, and also, you are on my PM list.

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    You can. But you just won't be official till you apply at the Beta Redux.

    I've added you to the PM list but you don't need to be on since you're my new beta . I'm writing Chapter 2 as we speak.

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    That's good! You may PM it to me when you are done! But at an estimate, when do you think you will be done?
    (P.S. Is Purple Drake, the dude who runs the redux, on? Because I could apply right now if you want!)

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    I dont think she is on right now.
    XD

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    This was a somewhat dull read, everything just seemed, well, bland. Oh it was action packed and all, but it feels bland because of the cliche feeling it gives off, that automatically Ronald is going to be the one to fix everything?

    Also for the pain thing, I can tell you, he'd have screamed first, trust me on this, I fell recently, broke my ankle in two places and I screamed loud enough to sound like I was being murdered. Not always do you pass out right away. That and Pain in leg =/= pain in head. You may have meant the pain overwhelmed his mind, and shock and pain both kicked in and he was sent unconcious, but yeah just find it hard to believe that someone would go unconcious from one burn- unless you mean it was a 1st degree burn and there was more damage then the burn, given the fact the bike was exploding and all.

    The talking does also add to some of blandness, as alot felt stiff, and badly scripted, and missing exclimation points don't help either. I mean if the police, or anyone shouts at you, it's not gonna be a simple raise of the voice, there's gonna be something more to it, but I just get the impression that they're just standing around, declaring loudly, what they're going to do.

    Oh wait, re-reading I see that the machine didn't explode, and Ron does also exclaim his pain I now see, but still, it feels a bit rushed, there was no struggle to stay concious, and there was no real feeling to how unbearable the pain he was feeling, was.

    And the prologue still seems unrealistic, as you really didn't change anything. And looking it over, I find it hard to believe that people would be able to simply kill pokemon with guns and such, as the pokemon world doesn't have much else in the way of defense, unless some heartless people didn't mind blowing up civilians along with the pokemon.

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    Poke poke, answer the first question please!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    This was a somewhat dull read, everything just seemed, well, bland. Oh it was action packed and all, but it feels bland because of the cliche feeling it gives off, that automatically Ronald is going to be the one to fix everything?
    I never said that he was going to fix everything.

    Quote Originally Posted by poke poke
    The fate of this war may lie with one boy.

    [QUOTE-Yami Ryu]Also for the pain thing, I can tell you, he'd have screamed first, trust me on this, I fell recently, broke my ankle in two places and I screamed loud enough to sound like I was being murdered. Not always do you pass out right away. That and Pain in leg =/= pain in head. You may have meant the pain overwhelmed his mind, and shock and pain both kicked in and he was sent unconcious, but yeah just find it hard to believe that someone would go unconcious from one burn- unless you mean it was a 1st degree burn and there was more damage then the burn, given the fact the bike was exploding and all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu
    Oh wait, re-reading I see that the machine didn't explode, and Ron does also exclaim his pain I now see, but still, it feels a bit rushed, there was no struggle to stay concious, and there was no real feeling to how unbearable the pain he was feeling, was.
    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu
    The talking does also add to some of blandness, as alot felt stiff, and badly scripted, and missing exclimation points don't help either. I mean if the police, or anyone shouts at you, it's not gonna be a simple raise of the voice, there's gonna be something more to it, but I just get the impression that they're just standing around, declaring loudly, what they're going to do.
    I'll try to edit it to make it better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu
    And the prologue still seems unrealistic, as you really didn't change anything. And looking it over, I find it hard to believe that people would be able to simply kill pokemon with guns and such, as the pokemon world doesn't have much else in the way of defense, unless some heartless people didn't mind blowing up civilians along with the pokemon
    I have no idea how to make the prologue more believable. The population of pokemon is greater than than the population of humans. Plus the pokemon have powers which equal the technology of humans. Thus they are equally matched.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Stoc15 View Post
    Poke poke, answer the first question please!
    Mostly tomorrow or maybe the day after. I might even be able to finish it today but that is unlikely.

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    Is it finished? Or what's the chapter's progress?

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    I'll put in the progress in my sig. And contact me by PM next time

    *looks around wildly then whispers*mods

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    It's becaused you rushed the prologue, that's why. You had events that could have taken twice as long to describe, happening in a rushed way. Because if pokemon did start to revolt and slaughter humans, they would have easily overpowered them, as it's mostly been shown that most pokemon are stronger then the current level of technology that the people have, so I find it hard to believe that humans would be able to slaughter pokemon, as easily as rabid and insane monsters, are able to defeat them.

    Then there's the whole badge and ball deal, most pokemon can not break out of their pokeballs, and most of the cannon hints at the badges controlling pokemon, which you completely ignored in your prologue.

    It's my fault, I should have explained more, how your prologue failed, to deliver the story at all. You rely to much on the fact that pokemon went insane from a virus, and that people would so readily and quickly turn around to destroy pokemon, or so quickly have the forces to do so.

    Re-read your prologue, do you notice the problems I've pointed out now?

    Your prologue could have easily been twice the length you have it at now, if not more so.

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    Sorry for the long delay, but finnaly here's chapter 2.

    Chapter: 2

    Archie



    Archie S. Residence, G-level, 14:30


    A vortex of color surrounded Ron. Weird shapes floated around him. He looked around amazed for a long time. He tried to move, but however hard he flapped his arms or legs, he remained in the same place. He saw his hover-bike in materialise in below him. To his surprise, he managed to get on it easily and began to observe his new environment. He flew on, unaware of time, fascinated by the colorful swirls. They seemed to float around him, waving and blinking, dazzling him with their beauty. If allowed, he would have been floating there forever but suddenly he stopped. He saw a light a little far of. It was quite still, unnerved by the other swirls dancing around it. He decided to head over there. He pushed the accelerator and headed towards the light. After some time, Ron realized that something was wrong. The white light still seemed the same distance away from him. He looked around. Behind him was a black hole which seemed to be sucking the colors. Ron panicked and put all his might on the accelerator. It made no difference. He was still moving towards the black hole. He looked at the white light.

    ‘Help me.’ he murmured.

    His voice echoed around the place, growing fainter, until it faded completely. The white light remained the same for a second and then grew in size, slowly at first, then rapidly. It grew so big that it entirely covered Ron’s range of vision. There was a flash of light and Ron closed his eyes tightly.
    A voice spoke up,

    ‘Open your eyes.’

    He did as he was told and found himself face to face with…

    ‘Aah, you’re awake.’

    The man loomed over him, eyes wide open. Ron blinked stupidly.

    ‘Wait… where am I?’

    ‘Don’t you remember?’ The man got up and Ron found himself staring at a rusted ceiling. ‘You’re in my house, the house which you ran into uninvited, with the police behind you, who blew up both my doors and then made me run for my life. Remember now?

    Ron’s pale face turned red. He remembered. He looked around. He was in the living room, lying on a mattress. He turned to the man who was now in the kitchen ‘Look… about that…’

    ‘Oh, no need to apologize. It was fun. Heaven knows, I needed some exercise.’ He came back with a cup in his hand. ‘Here, drink this,’ he said offering the cup to Ron, ‘You’ll feel better.’

    ‘Thanks, Mr.… er…’

    ‘Archie S.,’ said the man, sitting on the floor next to him. ‘But you can call me Archie.’

    ‘What does the S. stand for?’ asked Ron curiously.

    ‘Never you mind.’ replied Archie dismissively. ‘Now, drink up.’

    Ron looked inside the mug. It was filled with a murky brown liquid. He took a sip, licked his lips and took another. ‘This is really good.’ he said, ‘What is it?’

    ‘My own little creation,’ he replied smiling, ‘A few choice ingredients blended together and you get,’ he waved his hand dramatically, ‘this. I called it Archie’s drink. Original, isn’t it?

    Ron looked at him blankly ‘Uh… yeah, sure.’ he took another sip and turned to Archie again, ‘What happened after I passed out? To the police I mean.’

    ‘Oh,’ Archie’s smile disappeared, ‘Well… I took care of them.’

    Ron raised an eyebrow, ‘In what way?’

    ‘You’re not the one to be asking questions; I am,’ Archie snapped suddenly, ‘I’m not the one who broke into your house, am I?’ He became calm again. ‘So what’s your story?’

    After everything Archie had done for him how could he refuse? So Ron told him the whole story from the beginning. Archie listened patiently, nodding at times. After he was finished, Archie asked, ‘So, what are you planning to do now?’

    Ron sipped the last of ‘Archie’s drink’ and looked down, ‘I want to find Jirachi.’ he said looking up again.

    Archie raised his eyebrows. He stood up and started pacing around the room, ‘Jirachi, eh. The pokemon which grants wishes. It appears every thousand years and it is found in Hoenn, am I right?

    Ron nodded, ‘Yeah. The millennium comet is going to appear in a few days and…,’ Ron suddenly stopped and stared at Archie suspiciously. ‘Wait a minute. How do you know so much about Jirachi?’

    Archie stopped pacing, ‘I er… hear things. Wait… isn’t Jirachi found in Hoenn?’

    ‘Yeah.’

    ‘And isn’t Hoenn the base of The Resistance?’

    ‘Oh…,’ Ron was taken aback. He hadn’t thought of that. ‘well, erm... it cant be too hard , can it?' the words blurted of his mouth.

    Archie walked towards the kitchen. 'Oh no, it can't be hard at all.' he muttered sarcastically. 'Well you’re optimistic and a little stupid too at that.’

    ‘Look who’s talking.’ said Ron quietly.

    ‘Pardon?’ Archie called.

    ‘Nothing, nothing,’ Ron called back. He then sniffed at the air as a pleasant smell reached his nose.

    ‘You must be starving,’ said Archie as he walked to the table near the kitchen holding a pot with steam coming out of it. ‘C’mon. I’ve made some soup.’

    Ron got off the mattress. ‘Smells good.’ he said and started walking towards the table with an eager look on his face then suddenly stopped. He touched his hand all over his head and exclaimed, ‘My head!’

    Archie, who was sitting on a hover-chair and eating the soup, looked up. ‘What’s happened to your head?’

    ‘Nothing,’ Ron replied passing his hand through his hair again and again. ‘That’s just it. I was bleeding before I passed out. Now there’s not even a scar or a lump.’ Ron stopped realizing something. He looked down and said, ‘My leg was burnt too.’

    ‘Calm down.’ said Archie unperturbed, ‘They’ve probably just healed.’

    ‘Healed? Even with the new pills there’s sure to be a scratch or something. I don’t believe it.’ Ron crossed his arms.

    ‘You don’t have to. It’s for the better isn’t it. Why are you complaining?’

    Ron didn’t answer. He sat down and eyed Archie suspiciously. When he had a sip of the soup, Archie asked, ‘How is it?’

    Ron swallowed, ‘Yeah, it’s good. Really good. Which brand is it?’

    Archie snapped up, ‘What?’

    ‘Which brand of tablets?’

    An irritated expression appeared on Archie’s face, ‘Tablets? You mean the ones to which we add water? I never use them.’ Archie’s expression changed to disgust, ‘They taste too… artificial. I make mine fresh. There are real vegetables in there. Not those genetic ones you see at stores.’

    Ron’s eyes narrowed. ‘You live in G-level, right?’

    ‘Yes.’

    ‘And poor people live in G-level… no offense,’ he added hastily.

    Archie stopped eating, ‘None taken, but what’s your point?’

    ‘Real vegetables are really rare and they cost a lot of money.’ Ron put his spoon down. ‘Where did you get them?’

    ‘I found them.’ Archie replied. His face was expressionless.

    ‘Found them, eh.’

    ‘Right. Found them. End of story. Eat.’ He picked up his spoon and resumed eating.

    Ron was taken aback, ‘Fine.’ he said, making a mental note not to question Archie anymore

    The meal was quiet. Occasionally, one of the two would attempt to start a conversation, the other would reply, they would talk for a few minutes and then sink back into an abrupt silence. Ron’s thoughts slowly drifted to Jirachi.

    Yes, Ron really wanted to find Jirachi ever since he saw a reference on the cybernet. He had asked his father about it many times but he ha refused to tell him and threatened to punish him if he talked about it again. Ron thought that his father didn’t know either. However, he had found out about it soon enough through a pro-pokemon website. The thought of a wishmaker pokemon fascinated him. It was probably the main reason that he had run away.

    But he hadn’t really considered the fact that Jirachi was in Hoenn, headquarters of the Resistance, until Archie mentioned it to him. He didn’t even know why he had mentioned to Archie that it couldn't be tooo hard. Perhaps it had been an involuntary reaction of his brain in an attempt to make him look cooler than he really was.

    ‘Would you like some more soup?’

    ‘Huh?’ said Ron looking up at Archie’s face. He realized that he had finished his soup a while ago and was staring at the empty soup bowl for some time. ‘Yes, please.’ he replied awkwardly, handing the soup bowl to Archie and almost knocking over the salt shakers in the process.

    Archie refilled the bowl with the rich soup and placed it in front of Ron. Ron lifted the spoon to his mouth before realizing that Archie was staring at him.

    ‘Er…’ he said, ‘aren’t you going to eat?’

    ‘Oh no I’m full, thank you,’ he replied. Suddenly, realization crept up to his face, ‘Oh… well, I’ll just read a magazine then.’ He suddenly took out a mini-copy of Saffron Weekly out of nowhere and began to read the holographic text.

    Ron turned back to his soup. Archie S. The name didn’t tell Ron anything about him. He looked at him. He was still wearing the clothes that he had worn yesterday. Ron realized that he hadn’t taken in Archie’s appearance fully. His hair was white in color. Not the white that you get when you grow older, but natural white. His face looked young, free of wrinkles, but you could still tell that he was old. He should have been forty, but had he been sixty, he probably would have looked the same. If you had met him randomly, you would have thought him a kind man who looked younger than he really was. But he was still full of mystery to Ron.

    Where did he get the money to buy real vegetables? How did Ron’s wounds heal so fast? What had really happened last night? These questions and many more revolved around Ron’s head, nearly making him dizzy.

    ‘I think I’ve had enough, thank you,’ Ron said, pushing the soup bowl away from him. He looked up and realized that he was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn’t notice that Archie was gone. He got up and ventured into the hallway behind the kitchen.

    There was a room to the side of it, smaller than the living room. It was perfectly circular and its contents were a bed and a desk. Archie was sitting on the floor, where clothes were strewn about, and was packing his own sphere.

    ‘What are you doing?’ asked Ron, stepping into the room hesitantly.

    ‘Are you blind?’ replied Archie fiddling with the sphere, ‘I’m packing.’

    ‘Are you going somewhere?’ Ron asked.

    Archie looked at him as if he was the dumbest person on earth. ‘Well I’m going with you of course.’

    Ron stared back, ‘What… to find Jirachi? But…’

    Archie stood up, ‘Don’t say anything. I’m coming and that’s final. There’s not much to do around here anyways and you could use some help.’

    Ron didn’t object to that. He was right after all. He waited around till Archie finished packing. When he finally got up they left the house and went down the staircase. The street was filled with bright sunlight which glared down at them. Ron screwed up his eyes and turned to Archie, ‘How are we going to get to the aerodrome?’

    ‘We’ll just take a taxi.’ he replied.

    ‘But taxi’s only come down to R-level.’

    ‘There is a public hydro lift here.’ Archie said leading Ron through an alleyway where a small rusted hydro-lift lay probably unused for generations.

    They took the lift to R-level and walked to the taxi-stand of the building from where Archie summoned a taxi. The ride to the aerodrome was uneventful. The driver himself was a grumpy old man who didn’t talk much, and had an unusual habit of running his hand trough his beard every few minutes. As he quickly ascended to Azure level where the aerodrome stood, Ron stuck his head out of the window to see it.

    It was a member of the few buildings that reached A-level and one of the tallest structures in Kanto. There were two main aerodromes in Kanto, one in Cinnibar Island and the one in Saffron. It looked magnificent. It was a huge dome on the top of a strong iron base. The dome was the main part of it and had many platforms, where the planes stood, sticking out of it.

    Archie paid the driver who kept running his hand through his beard and muttering gibberish. When he left, they entered the aerodrome through the huge door. It had three floors. The bottom one was for incoming flights and the upper one was for the outgoing ones. In the idle of both of them was the dome. They took a lift to it and entered. It almost looked like another world, a world witth no ceiling and no end. They proceeded towards the center where the Information center was. Ron looked around the dome. He had been there twice with his father and still hadn’t got used to how huge it was. Many tourists came just to see the dome. Ron looked around, wide-eyed, at the people of all shapes and sizes. He then looked at the center where there was a large holographic screen, which showed all the flights coming and going and was so big that it was visible from any part of the aerodrome.

    ‘There are no flights to the center.’ he said to Archie.

    ‘No problem. We’ll just ask one of the people here.’ he replied.

    They kept walking steadily but the holo-screen never seemed to get closer. After what seemed like hours, they reached the center. It consisted of a huge circular desk. Men from almost every nationality stood there to translate for foreigners. Robots were originally used for the purpose but they were stopped after a small incident where the robot, apparently, went crazy after a lady accidently poured a drink on it and tried to kill the poor lady aforemention. She was now in intensive care at the Saffron Hospital. At the center of the circle of people, there was a large emitter projecting the holograph, looming over all of them, a shadow less building. Archie and Ron went towards a men close to them who had just finished talking to an old man.

    He was short and plump, looking diminutive in front of Archie’s tall figure. He was wearing a shirt that said HOW MAY I HELP? in bold letters. He was unshaven and when he talked, his breath smelled of drink.

    ‘Eh?’

    ‘Good morning,’ said Archie in a pleasant tone, ‘We want to know whether there are any flights to Hoenn.’

    The man giggled. Slowly, his giggles turned into a high-pitched laughter that completely unsuited his face. Ron gaped at the man, mouth half open. He looked at Archie and found him smiling at the man pleasantly. Ron found himself hating the man with a firm, unreasoning hate.

    After several moments, the man stopped laughing. 'Aah… never heard a joke like that in eternity,’ said the man, wiping a tear from his eye. ‘Now seriously, where do you want to go?’

    ‘Hoenn,’ replied Archie calmly.

    ‘Eh,’ the man looked as if he had just declared that he was going to chop his leg off. ‘You’re serious?’

    Archie nodded.

    ‘You know that it’s the base of the Resistance, right?’

    Archie nodded again

    ‘Well you’re not going to get any luck here,’ shaking his head as if Archie was the stupidest person on earth, ‘Flights to Hoenn only leave from Cinnibar. But those are only for the army.’

    ‘Thank you.’ said Archie, turning away.

    ‘Hey, is that your son?’ the man called as they were leaving pointing towards Ron.

    ‘Yes,’ replied Archie before Ron could say anything, ‘Why?’

    ‘Dunno, looks familiar somehow.’ said the man and returned to his work.

    ‘Any ideas to how to get to Cinnibar?’ Archie asked.

    ‘We’ll think of something,’ replied Ron.


    *
    ***
    *



    Office, Draven Residence, 200th Floor, Platinum Plaza, 15:00


    Two police officers stood on the floor of the office floor watching Baldwin Draven. He walked from his desk to the V-tv more times than they had kept count. After a few seconds, he stopped and stared at them with murder in his eyes.

    ‘So, what you’re saying is that you failed to catch the boy because a man threw you to the ground?’

    ‘Well, yes sir,’ the first officer said, ‘It happened so quickly that…’

    ‘QUIET!’ roared Draven, ‘And you have no idea how?’

    ‘Well, no sir,’ said the second officer, ‘He sort of flew towards us and...’

    ‘SILENCE!’ roared Draven again, ‘I don’t have time to listen to your excuses. You two are highly trained police officers but you failed to rescue a sixteen year old boy from a forty year old man?’

    ‘Well, the man was probably helping him.’ said the first officer

    ‘That’s preposterous,’ spat Draven, ‘The man probably kidnapped him. Ronald had no reason to run away.’

    ‘I could think of a few.’ muttered the second officer silently.

    ‘SHUT UP!,’ he shouted, ‘GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! BOTH OF YOU!

    The two officers ran towards the door as if their lives depended on it. Draven watched them leave with cold eyes. He turned around and smashed his hand with all his might on the desk. The police were useless. They probably couldn’t even catch a fly. He needed someone more efficient, a private detective of a sort. Yes, that was what he needed, a private detective.

    He turned to the V-tv and accessed the cybernet function using a remote. Suddenly, the entire room transformed. At first, Draven could only see codes but them they rearranged themselves to the layout he was so familiar with. He touched the search symbol floating in front of him and typed in detective. However, instead of the search results, a single profile appeared in front of him. He hastily pressed the back button but nothing happened.

    His face was blank and expressionless. He was clean shaven and his skin was a tanned brown. A black hat covered his hair. His eyes were so black that it looked like two holes in his skull. As Draven stared into those eyes, an urge filled up inside him, one that he could not understand. The eyes looked like…

    He shook himself back to earth. Almost all the columns under his profile were absent, but under Jobs, it was written EAGER. That was when he noticed the blinking call button. As he looked at it, the urge filled inside him again.

    Call me, the button seemed to say, Call me

    Draven realised that he was sweating. He wiped his hand over his brow and turned to the button again.

    He hesitated.

    He called.

    *
    ***
    *

    The third chapter will probably take some time. Yami-Ryu, thsnks for all your advice.*goes of to fix prologue*

    *comes back* Oh wait, please comment and review.
    Last edited by poke poke; 8th July 2008 at 4:16 PM.

  21. #21
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    Okay, you asked, and here you go.

    Description: Wow! I love how you describe the chase scene in your first episode.

    Characters: I'm sure another reviewer has said this, but why would a police officer suddenly want to help when all of the officer's fellows want to catch our hero? Secondly, why does our hero not want to join the military? I can pick out a reason somewhat from your prologue, but the reason why should be made clear(er).

    Plot: I'm interested if there will be any Pokemon involved in our hero's cause.

    Rating:

    It's original, yes; but some details are still muddled. Overall, you're doing okay.

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    Archie helping Ron is the "million dollar question of the story." I should know. I asked it.
    [CENTER]

    Credit for the banner goes to Kamotz

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlamingRuby View Post
    Okay, you asked, and here you go.

    Description: Wow! I love how you describe the chase scene in your first episode.
    Thank you. I always thought that I sucked at description.

    Quote Originally Posted by FlamingRuby
    Characters: I'm sure another reviewer has said this, but why would a police officer suddenly want to help when all of the officer's fellows want to catch our hero? Secondly, why does our hero not want to join the military? I can pick out a reason somewhat from your prologue, but the reason why should be made clear(er).
    Storymasterb asked me this already. In Ron's opinion, Archie ran with him because the police officers threatened to shoot him too and when he passed out, he helped Ron because he was nice enough. Actually, what happened in the night is still a mystery to Ron and he still doesn't know why Archie wasnts to help him all of a sudden. But there is a bigger story to all of this which is very important to the plot and will be revealed later. Some clues are there in the first and second chapter as well.

    And Archie is not part of the police.

    For Ron not joining the army:

    1. He likes pokemon. He thinks they are fascinating. And as revealed, he has a plan to stop the war.

    2. Ron doesn't think he's fit for the army. He's, in lamen's terms, a nerd. He only got selected to be in the army because his father's the war minister.

    Quote Originally Posted by FlamingRuby
    I'm interested if there will be any Pokemon involved in our hero's cause.
    Yes. As I mentioned before, not all pokemon are for the Resistance. After all, it wouldn't be a pokemon story without pokemon ;D.

    Quote Originally Posted by FlamingRuby
    Rating:

    It's original, yes; but some details are still muddled. Overall, you're doing okay.
    That's pretty decent for a new writer don't you think.

    Thank you for taking your time to review. I will check on your fics and I hope you will stay for future chapters.

  24. #24

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    okay.

    In the future, there is a war going on between and pokemon.
    between humans and Pokémon?

    into the building spinning wildly and throwing Ron of it.
    off it?

    If you had me him randomly
    met him randomly?

    Ron got out of the mattress. ‘Smell good.’
    Smells good?

    A charizard walked down
    compared to
    I want to find Jirachi
    you might want to stay consistent with Pokémon name capitalization.

    As for the description, especially for a sci-fi kind of fic, you've got it covered pretty well.

    Ron's character: You've got down that he's not very physically fit, he likes Pokémon, as well as some detail to what he looks like. What's his personality like? Does he have certain tendencies to behave certain ways? So far, I don't really feel for him much, emotionally. And he's going to stop over a century of people against Pokémon violence by himself?

    Archie's character: He's kind of a shady character who mysteriously makes soup with vegetables. So, I'm guessing he stole the food and cooked it. And there will be a significant reason why he took Ron in with upcoming chapters, right?

    I know it's kind of early to make some assumptions, seeing as to how it's only a prologue and two chapters in, but you're doing pretty good. Some of the details, probably just because it's futuristic, were a bit confusing, but it's a good original piece of work. Keep working at it.
    A good day starts with a good meal.


    Bacon, eggs, and a glass of milk!

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    Thanks for reviewing ^^

    The mistakes that youv'e pointed out have been fixed. [crap computor]

    Quote Originally Posted by chocolate_chippies
    Ron's character: You've got down that he's not very physically fit, he likes Pokémon, as well as some detail to what he looks like. What's his personality like? Does he have certain tendencies to behave certain ways? So far, I don't really feel for him much, emotionally. And he's going to stop over a century of people against Pokémon violence by himself?
    There are not many charector tests in the first few chapters. Ron's personality shall be revealed in time.

    Quote Originally Posted by chocolate_chippies
    He's kind of a shady character who mysteriously makes soup with vegetables.
    ROFLMAO!!! The way you said it made me laugh. makes soup with vegetables... LOL.

    Quote Originally Posted by chocolate_chippies
    And there will be a significant reason why he took Ron in with upcoming chapters, right?
    I don't know how many people have asked me this... yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by chocolate_chippies
    I know it's kind of early to make some assumptions, seeing as to how it's only a prologue and two chapters in, but you're doing pretty good. Some of the details, probably just because it's futuristic, were a bit confusing, but it's a good original piece of work. Keep working at it.
    Thank you *bows*. As I mentioned before, thank you for reiewing. I hope you will stay for future chapters.

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