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Thread: Where It All Began, Where It All Ends (Pokéshipping) (PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Default Where It All Began, Where It All Ends (Pokéshipping) (PG-13)

    Woohoo! I finally finished a fic! The idea just came at me out of nowhere... It's rated PG-13 to be on the safe side. I was thinking of G but I thought maybe PG would be better and eventually decided on PG-13. Anyway... This is the first fic I have ever finished. I'm always starting fics and never finishing them... It's basically your typical Ash-and-Misty-parting-scene one-shot. I'm using Japanese names for both of them. Ratings much appreciated!

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    Where It All Began, Where It All Ends
    A Pokéshipping One-Shot by HikariTajiri

    The early morning sun shone out across the canal. A boy sitting at the water's edge threw a stone into the blueness, shattering the beautiful reflection of Alto Mare City into a thousand pieces. From the other side of the water, a young girl of about 15 watched the image dissolve away. "Like the pieces of my broken heart." she whispered almost silently to herself, trying hard not to picture the tall boy with the dark hair and deep brown eyes. The reason for her sadness. Satoshi Ketachamo.
    Two weeks ago, Satoshi had led her to the top of Maiden's Peak, a cliff formation said to be haunted by the ghost of a heartbroken girl. A late cherry blossom stood in a nearby garden near where they had stood that fateful night. She had thought it was so romantic at the time. Soon she would never think anything was romantic again.

    A soft breeze flowed through the cliffs, scattering a few blossoms to the wind. The sun was slowly setting on the horizon, painfully reminding her of the last time they had parted. She would never have to go through that again. She and Satoshi were together forever. Or so she thought.
    Satoshi immediately recognized the sadness in her eyes. "Maybe I should wait till tomorrow?" he asked hesitantly.
    She shook her head. "If there's something you want to say, say it now."
    Satoshi nodded uncertainly. "Well, you see, Kasu-chan... it's, uhh..."
    Kasumi dreaded what she knew would surely come.
    "I have to leave you. Forever."
    Tears were already forming in Kasumi's eyes. "Why? Where are you going? Will I ever see you again? Oh, Satoshi..."
    Satoshi turned away, hiding the tears of his own. "No." he replied in a hoarse whisper. "I have been called to the Arumia region, far from here. I don't know how, but I sense that my destiny lies there. Not... not with you as I once thought." He turned back to Kasumi, who was now almost sobbing. He reached over and took her hand. "You love me." he said softly, "and I'll always love you."
    Kasumi looked up into his eyes. "You knew?"
    "Yes." Satoshi admitted, looking away, across the horizon, as if looking through time itself. "Since... since we first came here."
    Kasumi blinked away the tears, and looked with him, out into the sunset. "Where it all began." she murmured thoughtfully. "Where it all ends."
    Satoshi took off hos cap and ran a hand through his hair. "Sayonara, Kasu-chan." he whispered. "We'll always be together in our hearts. Forever n'ever!"
    His voice echoed around the empty cliffs of Kasumi's mind as he walked away.
    Forever... Never...

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by ashds View Post
    this is a pretty sad oneshot,good job HikariTajiri
    Thanks! I do think I could've made it a bit longer, though.

  3. #3
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    I shall review next.

    I thought this was a little short so it kind of leaves many questions open for interpretation. I think you needed to space it out a little more in terms of space; it normally makes it much easier for the reviewer to read. Also, I thought Ash's words were a little out of character. ^^; I was left a little clueless right when he said that he sensed his destiny to be there. That was more like a slap on the face. And then the ending, he says something else. That just got me. o__o Knowing Misty, she'll pretty much follow him unless there was a reaosn for her already to stay wherever she was? So like I said, this was nice [not to mention saddening] but I felt that it didn't answer enough questions. There's too much to wonder about how their relationship was like and all of that. It just leaves a huge space that needs some explaining.

    Other than that, this was a decent read. You did well for a first timer, so keep practicing. :3
    For those who'd like to keep in contact, you know where to find me. ♥

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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Mist~ View Post
    I shall review next.

    I thought this was a little short so it kind of leaves many questions open for interpretation. I think you needed to space it out a little more in terms of space; it normally makes it much easier for the reviewer to read. Also, I thought Ash's words were a little out of character. ^^; I was left a little clueless right when he said that he sensed his destiny to be there. That was more like a slap on the face. And then the ending, he says something else. That just got me. o__o Knowing Misty, she'll pretty much follow him unless there was a reaosn for her already to stay wherever she was? So like I said, this was nice [not to mention saddening] but I felt that it didn't answer enough questions. There's too much to wonder about how their relationship was like and all of that. It just leaves a huge space that needs some explaining.

    Other than that, this was a decent read. You did well for a first timer, so keep practicing. :3
    Yeah. I must admit, I got Ash all wrong. That was the main thing I was worrying about when I submitted it. It makes me want to go back there with an edit button and re-do it. Thanks for the review!

  5. #5
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    I can't remember the last time I reviewed a fic. XD

    OK, please do not be offended by my criticism - I'm only truthful and my objective is to help you improve for the future. ^_^

    First off, the length was very, very short, I'm afraid. It seemed more like section of a chapter than an actual tale because there wasn't really much of a plot.

    On the bright side, I did enjoy your natural description. Very poetic.

    Satoshi and Kasumi - I imagined it more like a dream of how Kasumi would fear Satoshi would react to her rather than a realistic interpretation of the anime.

    Liked the double entendre at the end. Very creative.

    Spacing, like ~Mist mentioned is also a small issue. See below for a guideline example:

    From the other side of the water, a young girl of about fifteen watched the image dissolve away.

    "Like the pieces of my broken heart." she whispered almost silently to herself, trying hard not to picture the tall boy with the dark hair and deep brown eyes.

    The reason for her sadness. Satoshi Ketachamo. Two weeks ago, Satoshi had led her to the top of Maiden's Peak, a cliff formation said to be haunted by the ghost of a heartbroken girl.

    A late cherry blossom stood in a nearby garden near where they had stood that fateful night. She had thought it was so romantic at the time. Soon she would never think anything was romantic again.

    A soft breeze flowed through the cliffs, scattering a few blossoms to the wind. The sun was slowly setting on the horizon, painfully reminding her of the last time they had parted. She would never have to go through that again. She and Satoshi were together forever. Or so she thought. Satoshi immediately recognized the sadness in her eyes.

    "Maybe I should wait till tomorrow?" he asked hesitantly.

    She shook her head. "If there's something you want to say, say it now."

    Double space paragraphs and dialogue should make it an easier read.

    Good first attempt. Hope this review helps.

    See ya around!

    Take care,

    WS
    XxX

    Ferme tes yeux, et crois en tes ręves, ma cherie...parce que j'y suis toujours...

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    Aw, finally got around to reading this... okay, I read this hours ago but never got around to reviewing, I'm sorry.

    One major problem I guess that I have with this is that it was too short! XD I almost feel like saying that maybe some ways you could have made this once-shot longer is bringing a bit more to the beginning, explaining the reason for Ash leaving more since all we got from that was what he said. Also, another thing would be to add a bit more description to Misty, why was she sad? How was she said? Explaining her feelings with more words other than simply 'sad' would help the readers not only know how Misty's feeling but also feel a bit of it for themselves. Since it seems that you were aiming at the fanfic to be sad (at least I'm guessing so), it would help to do that.

    So, that was the first part, okay, mostly I guess I have to stress on the most is just to add more to this one-shot, I mean, the length isn't what's wrong with it, most other shot one-shots I've read have what I mean. It's just that in this fanfic, everything seems so open, I feel like it almost expects the reader to imagine their own ending. Yeah, like the one-shot you wrote is only the beginning. Also, Ash seems out-of-character.

    Aww, I feel harsh ;-; I'm sorry. For a beginniner, it's really good though! You should see the stuff I came out with when I first began to write O_O

    So, here's to many, greater PS fics from you HikariTajiri!
    ~*Uza-chan's Good bye*~

    IS SUPAH FIIIINE

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    Quote Originally Posted by Water Spirit View Post
    OK, please do not be offended by my criticism - I'm only truthful and my objective is to help you improve for the future. ^_^
    I don't mind! No offence taken!
    I do think it was Ash's character I got the most wrong, though. In this, you'd think he was... I dunno, some shojo protagonist. o.O

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