wow! sockyskarmie followed the formatting rules
Caution: do not read this if you have not played the Ruby, Sapphire, or Emerald.
I stared off into the horizon. This night might have been nice if I could just forget what was around me. Forget the fact that my pokemon were dying. The air was crisp and refreshing, with the atmosphere a mixture of violet, rose, and tangerine, with just a hint of butterscotch yellow.
We gazed down at Mauville, a once peaceful and thriving city. I saw nobody there, even from a view as brilliant as Mt. Chimney. This was one of my favorite places for time alone with my pokemon. Even when I was at Pokemon School, I remember how I would stare out the window, gazing at how the sun’s rays would be absorbed by the auburn tinted side of the mountain. With the proper appliance of light, the ridge sparkled with the most radiant, beautiful, and dangerous color of all. Scarlet. The color of the most attractive flowers, love, and blood.
Off in the distance, I noticed something so vile that it actually ruined the sight.
I squinted to get every ounce of sight out of my eyes. Way, way back, past the once bustling cycling road, was an enormous amount of ships… little figures began to unload from them.
After a few more seconds of squinting, I saw that the figures were members of Team Rocket. Their organization never seemed that big a menace. They often gave most efforts with small crimes such as stealing money, weaker pokemon, and the ideas of other scientists. No one would ever have thought their plans would put the rest of humanity, and pokemon for that matter, in danger.
After watching every last one of the specks emptied out of the boats, I saw that more equipment was involved. They were getting onto bikes, cars, and any other form of military transportation. Wow, for riding pokemon all the time, team rocket was pretty fast on their bikes.
This point on the map is located at the very end of Slateport, a large marketing and seafaring city.
They have one of the most popular tourist points on the Hoenn, because of their incredibly clean beach. However, because no one ever came out of their house anymore, no one was there to pick up on the beach. An ignorant person would believe the beach would get dirty instantly. No. The marine pokemon almost clean their habitat themselves.
Slateport was about 20 miles from Mauville, connected by an immense cycling road. It would be less than a couple of days before they reached Mauville, Verdanturf, and Mt. Chimney.
Hello. Let me properly introduce myself. My name is Syd, and I work for the UPPA. That stands for Underground Pokemon Protection Agency. If you do not believe me, I have my badge right here. This agency has a pretty big case, especially with the Placitus running amok.
Placitus is a deadly disease that can only be obtained when a special chemical is put onto a Lum plant, or another pokemon with the disease makes contact.
The Lum plant is commonly thought of as a very rare berry that only the smartest wild pokemon sometimes hold in their possession. Only when the Moomoo milk of a Miltank expires can it turn into the lethal chemical that makes every man wet his pants.
The milk takes years to go bad, and can only be kept in a drier place away from the sea, but close enough to receive the pollutions the boats bring into the atmosphere. The city that immediately comes to mind is Mauville, but I cannot imagine how they managed to stay here for over ten years. After all, the UPPA secret service members have been swarming this town ever since I was born.
Unfortunately, the only cure grows on an island undetectable on the map, commonly known as Mirage Island.
Rocket had released this disease about 2 weeks ago. It quickly became the epidemic of the century- it was rare to find a pokemon without the disease. Only the pokemon with some kind of immunity mutation did not get the fatal element.
My Linoone was the first to get it, then my Swampert, Blastoise, Vaporeon, Jolteon, and Skarmory.
Linoone was by far the most vulnerable- when a pokemon has the pick-up ability, it tends to get the good, and the bad.
Swampert and Blastoise almost got it together, because they share most everything. Vaporeon and Jolteon were both quite careful, and got sick much later than the rest.
As for my Skarmory, I protected it with all of my energy. It is important to tell your pokemon there are no favorites. Every trainer knows this to be a lie.
Like any disease, this one has symptoms. To know if your pokemon has it, you can tell by what it does. Its limbs get paralyzed, and it can rarely run or fly. This is especially dangerous for flying type pokemon, because the corruption can seem to disappear, than suddenly reappear the next second.
The next symptom is that your pokemon cannot battle at all, and the disease becomes fatal.
As it progresses to the brain, your pokemon may begin to act a bit strange. It may forget several important factors to your success as a trainer. The knowledge lost can never be regained until your pokemon is cured. The madness lurking inside can result in forgetting the fact that it is caught, its trainer, and itself.
Last edited by sockyskarmie; 23rd May 2008 at 5:54 PM.
Promising start, really. I like the opening—it works as a good hook to reveal very suddenly that the main character's pokémon are dying (very much starting with a bang!), especially with the contrast in the narrative of the good weather and the unfortunate happenings. I would make one eensy suggestion for that part, though—have the reveal at the end of the paragraph, after you describe the beautiful night, and then have a paragraph break and go on with the section about Team Rocket. It'll be a bit more effective that way.
I also think you could flesh this out a bit—you've got some great content and ideas that you could push even further to really make the most of its potential. A great way to make this a bit longer is really describe the effects of the disease on Syd's pokémon—how he/she noticed the first symptoms in Linoone, how the pokémon started behaving after catching the disease, etc. The disease sounds like it has a little in common with Alzheimer's, which is often really heartbreaking for the loved ones of the sufferer because of the way the disease slowly wears away at the person they love. That could be a good angle for some early character development for Syd, in the way he/she reacts to the effects of the disease on his/her companions. (Sorry for all the gender-neutral pronouns; I've known girl-Sydneys and boy-Sydneys, so I didn't want to assume one or the other.)
It's certainly an intriguing premise; I'm interested to see what you do with it in the future. Best of luck, and happy writing!
Last edited by Verity; 6th May 2008 at 6:33 AM.
Reason: minor adds
Chapter Five up!
Wow, I really like your idea, but I think your chapters need to be A LOT longer. Aim for three to six pages in word per chapter. As stated above, flesh them out with tons of more description. Verity gives some great ideas. Talking about how he felt, how he found out... maybe even a flash back to WHEN he found out would give you lots more material to write about.
Not only was your chapter way too short, but it didn't feel like it was over to me. Your ending was very, very abrupt, and didn't seem like the end of a chapter. It was simply the end of a paragraph and you stopped. I would suggest a more definite ending. Have your character walk down off the mountain, the sunset behind him, as he begins to plan for the days ahead (or something like that.)
Just lengthen your work though and it'll be fine. You've got a great concept here. Grow on it and I think this story can go places.
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Oh, I am sooo embarrassed...
That was an introduction, not a chapter. Please ignore "Chapter One"!
Syd's a girl. Sorry that I didn't specify!
actually, I have decided to start over. I will turn the former introduction into a Chapter, and make it much longer.
Last edited by sockyskarmie; 23rd May 2008 at 12:16 AM.
23rd May 2008, 6:32 PM
With only my shadow to accompany me, I rushed out of my bed and headed out the door.
I was careful not to wake Bruce, my pokemon partner in training. He was probably my best friend, my only friend. However, if he were awake, I probably would not step a foot out of the Cadet Room.
Most of Rocket was asleep, and I know the guarding here would be considerably light tonight. The whole place had been very empty, due to the magnitude of soldiers on a mission I did not know about.
As I passed an old, rusty mirror, I could not help but view myself. What I saw was an 18 year old kid with shaggy, blonde hair that always seemed to get in his eyes. What I saw was an orphan, a nobody. However, my hair was not about to stop me from accomplishing my task.
Hi. My name is Johnny. I was raised here with Team Rocket, after they broke into the orphanage and kidnapped all of the kids. The children went though a series of training in physical combat and pokemon battling. Each child's special talents would be recognized to help determine what field of expertise they would contribute to Rocket.
There were all sorts of abilities coming out of these kids. If a boy was good at farming, he would grow berries in the agriculture room to help the battles of the Rocket pokemon. Smart kids were put into a study program about pokemon moves. They would use their cognitive skills to form good battle strategy and win money for Rocket.
Me? I had only one of importance to the whole organization. They called me a poke calmer- the name is pretty self-explanatory. Even at a young age, all of my mentors and teachers could see it in me; I had a special way with pokemon.
The sound of my voice had some sort of attraction to them. Rocket needed me to calm any dark pokemon they got their hands on so that it could be properly trained. They simply used my abilities for their own benefit, none for the pokemon, nor for me.
Even the darkest pokemon were nice to me-because of my special connection with them, I could talk to them in a way that they could understand. The most common conversations I have had in the past are ones about why they turned dark, and previous encounters with other pokemon and people. It was almost wrong to call these creatures “dark,” because they are not angry, evil, or unwanted amongst other pokemon. They are simply beings that are suddenly thrown into a world unlike the one they are used to being in, and forced to inflict damage on others of their own kind.
I was much different from all the other cadets. While they went after their pokemon by stealing and capturing, my pokemon just came to me.
Deep down inside me, I knew my special apt was meant for something much bigger, something much more important. And my job tonight-was to find out what that thing was.
As I neared my destination, I heard a stirring inside the pipes. In this gloom, even the smallest things spooked me. It was probably an upset Ratattata, maybe it happened not to like a vile scent wafting from the laboratory.
That's it! The scientists had been highly busy lately. I peeped inside the chemical room, and my eyes had a magnetic pull to one specific thing in the room. There were several beacons full of different colored liquids. They were all labeled Placitus Specimens.
This thoroughly explained the noxious odor consuming the best smells in the world, such as the fresh Lum berry lying on the floor. A farmer might have dropped it on the way to the Agriculture Room.
There was nothing in the world that smelled better than a Lum berry, though my bunk mates do disagree. They enjoy the fragrances in perfumes, which always gave me a throbbing headache.
In a flash, all my training in school finally came back to me. I quickly reread the labels, as if I had not seen it correctly before. Placitus Specimens?! We had learned about this disease in Pokemon Health class. It often caused major problems in the wild, and could throw off the whole ecosystem. I read a couple of papers lying around the laboratory. Rocket was planning to release this deadly disease, if they had not already.
We all knew how it affected Pokemon. We all knew how to make it. We just did not know how to cure it. At least, I didn't know. The point is, that pokemon on the outside world were endangered.
And that made me mad. Worse than mad, furious.
As I started towards the door, I noticed my legs were a bit numb...
Pearl FC: 4682 5718 4919
26th May 2008, 7:50 PM
What I needed was a plan. A scheme devised so that nothing could go wrong. Flawless. What I had to do was find a cure for the threatening disease, and find a way to get the Rockets away from my Mauville. My city. I had been continually camping on Mt. Chimney for the last week.
The tent was pretty cozy, even if I had to share it with six other pokemon. It was one of those family size ones, one I had bought in the Slateport Market years ago. Before the disease, I would escape here all the time to train my pokemon. No one could ever count the number of Numels, Spoinks, and Machops I had defeated on the side of the mountain.
Here, my pokemon and I could feel nature at its highest. The ash spewing from the volcanic hole set a calm scene where my pokemon could play, tamed and wild alike. We all laughed as my Jolteon sneezed out a portion of its atmosphere; returning the dust to its habitat.
Meanwhile, I spiraled into deep thought. I could not imagine what kind of force it would take to overturn about 1,000 Rocket soldiers with perfectly healthy pokemon. I assumed they were healthy, because no one, not even Rocket, was crazy enough to declare a war with pokemon were dying. Winning would be very difficult-being surrounded by people with possibly
dark, aggressive pokemon would kill me in an instant.
Even if I happened to get through that, there would be back-up. Hold on! How could Rocket have healthy pokemon? I knew for fact that they had never been to Mirage Island. They had another solution…
My dreams had been most bizarre lately- every night, I would see two pokemon, with a strange item in their possession. The dreams were not clear enough to determine exactly what species they were, only that they roughly resembled humans. The thing they were holding would start to move and expand. Then, after going through a long metamorphosis, the item would be picked back up and hugged by the other two pokemon.
This came every night, ever since the Rocket invasion of Slateport. I looked farther out to see their progress. The vastness of the Slateport beaches really aided the amount of time they had left before reaching us. They were not yet off the sand…
In seeing this, I started down the mountain, summoning my pokemon to my side. The fresh air and exercise would do them good.
At last I reached the base of the mountain, where quiet Mauville stood. I entered each house as the bearer of bad news. Only by begging did some of the boldest trainers join the revolt against evil. I even went to Mauville’s neighboring city, Verdanturf, to collect more warriors. Who I assembled together did not look like the saviors of pokemon-kind. The team consisted of a gym leader, a kid named Wally, two breeders named Isaac and Lydia, two triathletes named Dylan and Maria, a guitarist named Dalton, A mini team with two girls named Ana and Meg, a strange woman that enjoys smelling flowers, and me.
Gym Leader Wattson was electric, with pokemon and personality. He cheered up the campfire with his jokes and hearty laugh. It was apparent that his Manectric was his favorite pokemon, for he always had it out of the poke ball.
Wally was a sickly child that had wild green hair, and a shy personality. He had grown to be a decent trainer, and was well known in Verdanturf. His favorite pokemon was his Gardevoir, and he always kept a stock of blue poke block in his bag. He was a coordinator as well as a trainer, having almost conquered master rank.
The triathletes, breeders, Dalton, Ana and Meg, and aroma lady Rose all sat together and talked. I had found them all pretty close together, all fairly close to the cycling road. They had been watching Rocket also. They talked about their lives before the epidemic, and the latest condition of their pokemon. It turned out that most of the trainers in our little campfire had not yet lost a pokemon.
We did not have much left to fight for- just the souls of our pokemon, and the pure inspiration of battling. We had the land on our side- every one of us knew the wild road like the back of our hand. This was our home. Out of the cage of despair rose a new hope, a new life…
Let the battle begin.
Pearl FC: 4682 5718 4919