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Thread: Anabel Tragedy(AbilityShipping)

  1. #1
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    Default Anabel Tragedy(AbilityShipping)

    This was my first attempt posting a fiction of my own.Although i felt that i going to get some harsh comments on this.This was a sad story of Anabel.
    Free to give any comments, this fiction is page on PG-13 for safe mode.

    Title:Anabel Tragedy.Please enjoy...

    Chapter 1

    A shy and romantic girl, pretty much hopeless most of the time, was walking slowly towards her school on a very normal high school day. Her name was Salon Maiden Anabel. She was thinking about her past while a few girls' voices could be heard behind her. They belonged to the senior students. The seniors enjoyed toying around with Anabel and calling her ''little Annie'' where ever she went. Anabel was about to run away from them, but one of the seniors quickly grabbed her arm and forced her into a Pokemon battle.

    She hated Pokemon battles more than anything. Her face suddenly turned to a thousand shades of red and she felt like crying. The seniors then dragged her forcefully to a nearby Pokemon battlefield. She tried to resist by pulling away, but failed to her dismay. One of the girls, who was the most joyful and excited one decided to be the referee of the battle.
    “This is a three-on-three single Pokemon battle between Anabel and Dara,” she announced. “There will be no substitutions and no time limit. You may BEGIN!”

    “Snorlax, come out for battle!” Dara summoned her Snorlax out with a confident smile on her face.

    Anabel was absolutely shocked to see Snorlax and once again tried to run away, but the other girls were preventing her from doing so. She could not forget about Snorlax from a long time ago, even until this present day, her memories haunt her. She was holding tightly onto her shirt because she was getting stunned from the sight. She begged on her knees on the concrete floor with tears pouring out from her eyes, wanting for the seniors to leave her alone. The senior disagreed and shouted at her to bring out her first Pokemon to begin the battle.

    A deep familiar boy's voice came out from nowhere as he rushed towards Anabel and she grabbed onto the boy's, named Ash's, shoulders.
    Ash whispered softly into her ear, "You’re going to be just fine."
    Ash carried Anabel in a bridal style and decided to walk away but the girls were blocking their way. They brought out their Pokemon and were ready to attack Ash and Anabel. Anabel told Ash to put her down, wanting to finish the battle with Dara, and went back to the battlefield.

    She looked at Ash’s worried expression on his face; she knew that he would always be by her side ever since that incident happened. She began to reminisce the incident before she started the battle.

    Flashback about the incidents....

    A few days after Ash had won the Sinnoh League, Anabel had been thinking to herself whether or not Ash still remembered her. She left her Pokemon out to play as she stared out into the lake peacefully thinking about Ash. Suddenly, several loud noises came from her battle tower.

    Anabel's newly captured Snorlax had gotten out of control and rapidly using Focus Punch and Body Slam on Anabel's battle tower. When Anabel noticed this, she quickly recalled her three psychic-type Pokemon and ran towards her battle tower.

    When she ran towards Snorlax, it was too late as she felt like fainting after clearly seeing her battle tower slowly collapsing from Snorlax's powerful attacks. The people inside the battle tower shouted and screamed as the building violently shook. They had no idea what was going on, and Anabel was shocked at what was unfolding in front of her. After awhile, Anabel quickly called out her three Psychic-type Pokemon - Espeon, Metagross and Alakazam- and recalled her Snorlax.

    She ordered them to use Psychic to help the people and Pokemon and evacuated them to a safer area. The 3 Psychic Pokemon were doing as best as they could but the tall building suddenly collapsed. Anabel had tears pour out of her eyes and felt guilty for she was unable to save the people and Pokemon who were still inside the tall building.

    Meanwhile, those people that were saved while their Pokemon were stuck inside the collapsed building surrounded Anabel with fierce and disgusted looks on their faces. They taught Anabel a lesson that she would never forget and this had changed Anabel’s life forever.

    To be continued...
    Last edited by SalonMaidenAnabel; 17th June 2008 at 7:17 AM.

  2. #2
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    pretty decent storyline and content.

    maybe you could provide more details as to how the angry people taught Anabel a lesson, what they did to her, etc. if you are gonna do that in future chapters, by all means go ahead.

    otherwise, its a good story. keep it up, hope to see more.

  3. #3
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    You have a very cute character here and the beginning of what can be a fun little plot. You might want to go a little more into detail about her past though because although you allude to a history with Ash, you don't quite clarify how they know each other.

    Given that you have stated that she hates battles, I wouldn't have her willingly return to one so shortly afterwards... it's a little contradictory. Maybe instead seeing Ash at her side gives her the confidence to go on with the battle instead of him trying to carry her away and her going back to the battle of her own free will. Otherwise I like the whole senior bullies pushing a freshman into battle scenario.

    I like what you're trying to do with the flashback and it does create interest, but it needs a little more detail as to why this girl who hates battles had a battle tower of her very own. This story has promise, you just need to develop it a little more. Don't you let anyone discourage you. Just keep working at it and I'm sure you'll be a great author. And don't be afraid of making mistakes, we all do, even professional writers go through a hundred editors before it's a finalized story. ^^
    <<One thing always leads to another, small things grow big, summer fades into fall, winter melts into spring, and time marches on.>>

  4. #4
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    nice story line , but the introduction is abit boring , don't you think?
    add abit more details and exaggerating tones , to make it more cool.
    yeah .
    but nice story anyways.
    look forward to your next chapter.

  5. #5
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    This is Chapter 2...

    Still in the ~Flashback~

    Anabel was pinned to a tree by the people who were angry with her. Her Pokemon were neglected as well as she could not take care of them. They were left unfed, trapped in their pokeballs until the people were satisfied enough with her punishment.

    They surrounded Anabel, making sure she could not escape. Since Anabel felt guilty with all of this, she decided to accept the punishment and let them do as they pleased. They decided that Anabel and her Pokemon were not to be given any food and drinks.

    After she had been put down, her face was as pale as a ghost and she felt as if she wanted to faint. Scott, the Battle Frontier's owner, came to Anabel and escorted her to his Battle HQ in Vermillion City since Anabel didn't have the strength to talk or walk. Scott had his own jetplane and after the short flight, they arrived at the Battle HQ.

    Much to Anabel's surprise, all the other six Battle Frontier Brains were in the office and stared at Anabel with fierce looks on their faces. Scott brought out some hot noodles for Anabel to eat and food for her pokemon. He then handed her a letter. Scott sadly declared that she had been fired, and he had brought her belongings and ordered her to leave after she had finished eating the hot noodles.Tears started to pour out of Anabel's eyes as she couldn't believe what was happening, the other Brains said nothing as this was Scott's decision.

    After Anabel finished eating, she decided to stay outside the Battle HQ, sitting on the stairways. She wished that these events were just a bad dream. Scott and the 6 battle frontier brains came out and saw her crying. They surrounded Anabel, and as Arena Tycoon Greta tried to comfort her, the others just watched. Scott immediately came up to Anabel and ordered her to stand, and she did, but the next move Scott made surprised everyone. Scott pushed her with both hands and made her fall down the staircase and onto the floor. Scott declared that she derserved this and asked the other Battle Frontier Brains to leave her alone as he returned to his Battle HQ himself.

    When Anabel woke up, her body was in a huge amount of pain and she was seriously injured. She found out that she was in the hospital, yet the other patients stared at her with disgusted looks on their faces. Anabel was shocked at what she was seeing before her. She twisted and turned on her bed and closed her eyes. The nurse noticed that she was awake and the patients secretly decided to lend the nurse a hand to take Anabel out of the hospital, throwing her belongings to her. Anabel had been treated so harshly that she hid in the corner of a dark place, hoping that noone would be able to find her.

    To be continue....
    Last edited by SalonMaidenAnabel; 13th June 2008 at 6:47 AM.

  6. #6
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    hmm not bad, she should be able to see her snorlax attitude right? why did she let snorlax out when she knows she couldnt control it well yet =.-

  7. #7
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    I really like this story so far. The storyline is original, and it's being written well.

    Perhaps the only thing it needs is more description, but this isn't a case where the description is critically bad, so it's okay.

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  8. #8
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    This is Chapter 3

    Still in the ~Flashback~

    In the Vermillion City HQ, Scott was thinking whether or not should he tell the world that Anabel had been fired because of
    what she did to the battle tower. He decided to ask the six other Battle Frontier Brains, in a meeting in his Battle HQ.

    While in the dark corner, Anabel was still thinking of what she had done to the people and Pokemon in
    the Battle Tower. After awhile, Anabel was hungry so she decided to go and grab something to eat. Due to her leg's injury it prevented her from walking
    far so she went to the nearby food court in Vermillion City.

    When she entered the food court, she was shocked to see two of the Battle Frontier Brains, Pyramid King Brandon and Dome Ace Tucker.
    She saw Brandon glance his eyes over to her while Tucker was still eating. Anabel decided to walk out from the food court immediately but she fell down
    because of her still injured legs. Brandon saw this poor girl trying to get up by herself. As a man, he couldn't sit there and do nothing so he went up to
    Anabel and helped her up and carried her to a Pokemon Center.

    In the Pokemon Center, Brandon booked a room for Anabel to stay and rest and told Anabel to take care of herself as he walked away with Tucker.
    Once again, Anabel had tears pouring out of her eyes as she saw her old friends walking away from her. After awhile, she then fell asleep.

    Back to the Vermillion City HQ, all the six Battle Frontier Brains had arrived for the meeting. “Now then, let’s begin,” the Head of the Frontier
    spoke--- seriously in tone--- and started a short speech. “Salon Maiden Anabel, as all of us here had already known, she has been fired so we are currently
    lacking one Battle Frontier Brain. I decided to broadcast at the radio station to advertise this news to everybody around the world, those who had
    once finish the Battle Frontier challenge can request to be the new Battle Frontier Brain.”

    Brandon rudely interrupted. “So that means you're going to include what Anabel had done at the Battle Tower in the news?"

    “QUIET!” Everyone else in the room except Tucker shouted towards Brandon. Scott resumed his speech.

    “As I was saying, I need to have a new Battle Frontier Brain so I need to tell everybody the reason for this.”

    Everyone in the room started clapping for Scott’s well-organized speech except Brandon and Tucker.

    to be continue...

  9. #9
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    I like how the story flows, but in the flashback, try not to go far off-subject because I think it's better if you just focus more on the protagonist... little description doesnt hurt but just a suggestion

    keep it up... looking forward to your next chapter

  10. #10
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    I like the idea behind this story, but it doesn't seem to flow that well. Each chapter is very short, and so far almost the entire work has been in a flashback. I'd suggest keeping all of the flashbacks together in a single chapter to help with the flow. It also doesn't seem that realistic to me; this could be remedied by putting in some more description.
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  11. #11
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    SalonMaidenAnabel - you really need to lengthen your chapters. You're dangerously close to being out of the allowed minimum.
    But on to more critical matters - you need a rating on the first page. If you do not add one within 24 hours, I'll be forced to close this.
    Thank you.
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  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Encyclopika View Post
    SalonMaidenAnabel - you really need to lengthen your chapters. You're dangerously close to being out of the allowed minimum.
    But on to more critical matters - you need a rating on the first page. If you do not add one within 24 hours, I'll be forced to close this.
    Thank you.
    Sorry, i will make next chapter longer and i had make the rating

  13. #13
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    A very sweet atory to read so far. However, the chapters are far too short and you need to add more emotion. There are too many flashbacks on each chapter so it looks disorganised. So for chapter four, add more descirption and detail.

    I hope that helps.


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  14. #14
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    I really like your story so far ^^ Keep up the good work I'd say. Just one little detail I'd like to inform you about. I have no idea when you were going to try and inform the readers of this story but you should explain the fact that how it is possible that a girl who already had a job, and propably for a pretty long time, went to school again after the incident. It just doesn't make to much sence. But aside from that it's a really great story ^^ You were great at chosing some of the words and the story is really evolving good!
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