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Thread: Dinner and a Surprise (advanceshipping oneshot)

  1. #1

    Default Dinner and a Surprise (advanceshipping oneshot)

    i already had this story on ff.net, but i thought i should put it up here too. please enjoy. of course its Ash and May. this fic is rated somewhere round PG to PG-13. the characters are also bit OOC; most Ash though.

    Ages: Ash 23, May 20

    Oh… one more thing. This story is from May’s POV.

    DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own pokemon or any of the characters in it. If I did, Ash and May would have been together by now.


    Dinner and a Surprise…

    I was in my room getting ready for my evening out. Ash had asked me out and said that he had something important to tell me. I was really excited and kept on wondering what it was he wanted to tell me. I wore my red spaghetti strap dress that reached 3 inches below my knees, and red high-healed shoes. Skitty and Eevee were with me in my room playing tag, when the doorbell rang.

    “Coming!” I called out, and rushed downstairs to open the door. When I got there, Ash was standing in the doorway with a big smile on his face and Pikachu on his shoulder. He was wearing a navy blue tux.

    “Hey there May. Ready to go?” he asked.

    “As ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied with a big smile on my face, and then asked, “Pikachu’s not coming too, is he?”

    “Huh? Oh… no. He came over so that he could play with Skitty and Eevee, right buddy?” He replied.

    “Pika!” (That’s right!)

    “Oh, well they’re upstairs in my…”

    “Nya ya/Eevee!”(Pikachu!)

    Ash looked up as I turned around to see Skitty and Eevee at the top of the staircase.

    “Well… they’re upstairs,” I say sweatdropping.

    “Pika, pika!” (Skitty, Eevee!) Pikachu called out running toward Skitty and Eevee. We giggled at the sight. Skitty and Eevee always fought over Pikachu and eventually they called a truce.

    “Anyway… shall we be going?” I asked.

    “Of course,” Ash replied. “See ya later Pikachu! Have fun!”

    “Pikachu pika pi!” (See ya later Ash!) Pikachu waved back as he, Skitty and Eevee ran down the hall to my room.

    When we left the house, Ash escorted me to the limo that was waiting for us. Being the world’s Greatest Pokemon Master and Top Coordinator does have its advantages. The drive lasted about 15min till we arrived at our destination.

    When I got out of the limo, I was shocked at what I saw. I was standing in front of the ‘Luvdisc Montarge’, the world’s most popular and most romantic restaurant. Reason being that it’s built on a beach, where in those waters the only pokemon found there are Luvdisc.

    “Ash…” I managed to say.

    “Surprised huh?” he asked as I gave a nod, “I thought you would be,” he replied, giving me trademark grin,

    “Shall we?” he asked, offering his hand to me, as a gesture to enter the building. I gladly took it as he led me inside.

    When we got in, a waiter led us to a table, which was reserved for us. Soon after, we ordered our meals and while waiting for it we started small talking.

    “I still can’t believe you brought me here Ash!” I squealed with excitement.

    “Was it too much?” Ash asked in a sad tone,

    “Wha? No! I just wasn’t expecting it. I always dreamed of coming here with…” I started, but then stopped when I realized what I was going to say.

    “With who?” he asked me curiously.

    “Never mind,” I replied.

    “Ok…” he replied, letting it go.

    “That’s what I like about you Ash. You’re so caring… so respectful… so unpredictable. I never would have thought…that you would even become the romantic type, and that I would…fall in love with you. I just hope you feel the same.” I thought.

    Just as we were done talking, our meals came in. We ate it whole-heartedly; for it was the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten. Brock never ceases to amaze me, and in case you’re wondering, he’s the assistant Head Chef of the ‘Luvdisc Montarge’.

    When we were done eating, we stayed at our table for a while and continued talking. After a while, the DJ started playing slow tuned music. The song that was playing at the moment was ‘Lady in Red’. I blushed at the thought that the song was referring to me. Ash then got up from his side of the table and came round to my side, and lends out his hand to me.

    “Would ma’ Lady in Red like to dance?” he asked me, in a very gentleman like way.

    “I’d love to,” I replied with a giggle, taking his hand in acceptance.

    When we got on the dance floor, I wrapped my arms around his neck and he wrapped his around my waist. I rested my head on his right shoulder as we started dancing. When the DJ noticed us on the dance floor – Greatest Pokemon Master and Top Coordinator – he lit the spot light on us. We didn’t mind, since we were used to this kind of treatment, but it was more because we were enjoying ourselves.

    After the dance, Ash brought me for a walk on the beach behind the restaurant. We were the only persons there, and it was also a full moon, creating a romantic atmosphere around us. I held on to Ash’s right arm and rested my head on his shoulder as we walked.

    “So May, how’d you enjoy the evening?” he asked me.

    “It was… the best night of my life Ash,” I replied, feeling all bubbly inside.

    “I’m glad you did… because I’ve got something very important to tell you,” he said, stopping and turning to face me.

    “Oh yea, I remember you said that when you asked me out,” I replied. “So… what is it?”

    “May… we’ve traveled together and been best friends for a long time now.” He started, “And during that time, I started to become attached to you. Everything about you – to me – is so perfect, that I couldn’t even find the right word to describe it. Every time I’m near you, my heart beats faster that I can barely breath…”

    “Ash… are you…?” I started but was cut off by Ash, placing a finger on my lips.

    “Please May… let me finish,” he said and I nodded.

    “At first I didn’t know what was wrong with me… I thought I was sick or something. But… as I grew older, and with some advise from my mom, I finally realized that the reason I was feeling this way was because of love. May… I love you… with every bit of my heart, and I hope you feel the same way too.” He finished.

    I was surprised. “Did Ash just say he loves me in the longest way possible? Could this night get any better?!” I thought.

    “Oh Ash,” I began, as I jumped at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and placing my head on his shoulder, surprising him as I started to cry, “You don’t how much that means to me!”

    “So, I’m taking that’s a ‘yes’?” he whispered in my ear.

    “Yes Ash, it does. I love you too, with all my heart,” I replied.

    “Well then… I have something else for you,” he said as he pulled me away from him.

    “What else could he possibly have for me?” I thought.

    He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black box. My eyes widened as I gasped, knowing what it was. He then got down on one knee and started to speak…

    “May… since we’ve know each other for so long, and now know that we love each other with all our hearts, I would like to ask you this last and most important question for the night.” He said,

    “May… would you do me the honor, of becoming my wife?” he asked as he opened the box, reveling a pure diamond ring, with a very small piece of ruby at the top.

    I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I couldn’t believe, this was really happening. More tears began to form in my eyes, for this was something I’ve dreamed of for years.

    “He’s… he’s… he’s really… proposing to me,” I thought.

    “Yes… YES Ash. I would love to, more than anything in the world, to be your wife,” I replied through tearful eyes.

    He then got up and placed the ring on my finger. I admired it for a while as the moonlight shined upon it. I then looked up towards Ash lovingly, as he looked at me the same way. Little by little, our heads moved closer to each other, until eventually, our lips met, and we shared our first kiss as a couple and soon to be, married couple, as Luvdisc started jumping out of water and kissing each other in mid air, signifying our eternal love for each other.

    Ok everyone… that’s it. Hope you all liked it. I kind of cried tears of happiness while writing this, and I hope you guys did too.
    Last edited by zeaeevee; 4th July 2008 at 2:39 AM. Reason: a few wording/grammatic errors
    Forever an Advanceshipper and Eeveelution Lover

  2. #2

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    i'll admit, i almost did. T.T so sad... well, happy!

    ok, now for the review.
    in the beginning, i noticed a bit of time warping--getting tenses mixed up. though it's a very common mistake [for me too] you'd still want to get in some practice with shorter stories like this. ^^

    “Wha? No! I just wasn’t expecting it. I always dreamed of coming here with…” I started, but then stopped when I realized what I was going to say.

    “With who?” he asked me curiously.

    “Never mind,” I replied.

    “Ok…” he replied, letting it go.

    “That’s what I like about you Ash. You’re so caring… so respectful… so unpredictable. I never would have thought…that you would even become the romantic type, and that I would…fall in love with you.
    the only thing i saw wrong with this was the lack of realism... usually, guys don't just give up on things like that, especially if they're going to propose to them that night. [but don't take that seriously. i'm a 14 year old girl. ^^] it just seems a little out of the ordinary.
    but i'd just like to ask, do i smell a hint of contestshipping here? XD

    Brock never ceases to amaze me, and in case you’re wondering, he’s the assistant Head Chef of the ‘Luvdisc Montarge’.
    i laughed when i read that. ^^ it suits him so much! i can totally see brock as an assistant head chef. XD great job! it would've been funny if he would've come out from his cooking cave for a bit and tortured them a little too. -^^-

    “At first I didn’t know what was wrong with me… I thought I was sick or something. But… as I grew older, and with some advise from my mom, I finally realized that the reason I was feeling this way was because of love.
    XDDDDDD 'with a little advise from my mom' that's priceless! and it SO ic. ^^ but it's a really sweet line too. not many people admit to getting avice from their parents. ^.^

    great job on this. though a little more length wouldn't hurt, it's still well written and very shippy. ^^ [and this means a lot coming from me--i'm a hard core contestshipper. :X] great job and keep on writing! i'll gladly read them. ^^

    Tff
    It's been a long time... But it's so good to be back. <3
    Deviantart ID page: TranquilSimplicity
    Life giving you lemons? [Insert witty response here]

  3. #3
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    Wow first he says he loves May then his wants to marry her? isn't that a bit fast? anyway this could of been good if this was in chapters but it was nice. I'm actually writing a story like this myself on DevintART. nice story. keep up the work.

  4. #4

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    yea well... this story (oneshot) wasnt exactly planned out. because if it was... trust me, it would a lot longer than that.
    it was just something the popped into my head while i was still working on my other fics so i decide to write it up.

    thanks anyway guys...

    Quote:
    “Wha? No! I just wasn’t expecting it. I always dreamed of coming here with…” I started, but then stopped when I realized what I was going to say.

    “With who?” he asked me curiously.

    “Never mind,” I replied.

    “Ok…” he replied, letting it go.

    “That’s what I like about you Ash. You’re so caring… so respectful… so unpredictable. I never would have thought…that you would even become the romantic type, and that I would…fall in love with you.
    the only thing i saw wrong with this was the lack of realism... usually, guys don't just give up on things like that, especially if they're going to propose to them that night. [but don't take that seriously. i'm a 14 year old girl. ^^] it just seems a little out of the ordinary.
    but i'd just like to ask, do i smell a hint of contestshipping here? XD
    no... there were no contestshipping hint in there. im a hardcore advanceshipper (just to let you know)
    Forever an Advanceshipper and Eeveelution Lover

  5. #5
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    ZEAEEVEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I used to luv ur youtube vids back when I was attatched to youtube.

    anyway...on to the review!

    It was very, very good! Nice description and great feeling! you have serious potential when it comes to fanfic writing!

    CC:

    I only have one peice of CC, here. Ash and May just started dating, and Ash immidently asks her to marry him. I think that they would be dating for at least a few months before that happens...

    and on to the minor corrections:

    the bestnight of my
    the best night of my...

    a finger in my lips
    might mean on?

    other than that it was great! :3

    ~riolulu


    Always, I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony, harmony
    Oh love!

    I will always love you.
    Please wait for me.

  6. #6

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    oops...
    thanks for pointing those out riolulu. i didnt realize.
    you know when you already know whats suppose to be there you dont realize it when you read it over. xp

    thanks again.
    Forever an Advanceshipper and Eeveelution Lover

  7. #7
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    I also need to say it was awesome oh yeah and instead of putting persons you should have put we were the only two people there you know so people can understand the sentence

  8. #8
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    I like a few other people, felt that the transition from confession to marriage that happened within about a minute was just a bit too quick. Also, a pure diamond ring to me seems a little bit over the top. But other than that, the story was good and well written. You'll make a great fan fic writer from what I can grasp in this fic.

  9. #9
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    This needs a rating pronto - that is, within the next 24 hours.
    After that, it'll be closed.
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

    Status: Chaptered | R | Contestshipping | Finished

    Encyclopika:
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    Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest? PM me!
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  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Encyclopika View Post
    This needs a rating pronto - that is, within the next 24 hours.
    After that, it'll be closed.
    i dont understand....

    guys, im new here. cut me some slack. and like i said, this one shot wasnt plot out carefully, it just popped into my head and thats how it came out. it would have come out better if it was actually plotted out to begin with.
    Forever an Advanceshipper and Eeveelution Lover

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by zeaeevee View Post
    i dont understand....

    guys, im new here. cut me some slack. and like i said, this one shot wasnt plot out carefully, it just popped into my head and thats how it came out. it would have come out better if it was actually plotted out to begin with.
    rating = G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17. or if you wanna do FF ratings, that's K, K+, T, M. This fic is in that PG/K+ to PG-13/T range, I would say.

    pronto is like, list of ships, and stuff that ppl put at the beginning of fics. You can PM Pika if you need help with that.

    I liked the fic, It was good. You're a good writer. Some people think up great plots then have no idea how to write them and do it anyway. *shivers* and the same thing happens with me, it's just a 'think it 'nd write it' thing with my oneshots.

    ~riolulu


    Always, I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony, harmony
    Oh love!

    I will always love you.
    Please wait for me.

  12. #12

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    aw man...
    do i have stuff to learn about this site or what.
    thanks for the brief explanation riolulu.
    Forever an Advanceshipper and Eeveelution Lover

  13. #13
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    HI Zeaeevee, I hope you reconise me. I've seen you many times.

    Now on to the fic, I have to say it is really fluffy which gives it a really good touch. Also I liked how romantic it is, of course some bits were a unrealistic such as the proposal but I think that was a pretty nice touch too, jugding by the ages they are on the fic. Aww young sweet love.


    ☆ Maya Fey: Ace Pokemon Trainer
    Carry On, BlisseyThe Other King☆
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  14. #14
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    AWESOME!!! As good as yo ur vids! Now your the best AAMayL vid. maker and the bet AAMayL fanfic author!!!! BTW; I am Advancshipper from YT. My previous account had promblems. i'll PM u to tell ya about it.

    1 small mistake though......shouldn't ot be Glaceon, and not Eevee??? It doesn't matter though
    Last edited by SatoHaru02; 3rd July 2008 at 10:49 AM.

    Advanceshipping 4 eva!!!!!!

  15. #15
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    I've read this fanfic a while ago, but never got around to reviewing, so here goes...

    Well, the idea for this one-shot isn't bad really. Since, I haven't read one where Ash asked May to marry him. But I guess one thing I should mention is the fact that the entire fic was OOC. Ash, especially, since normally in the anime, Ash is, well, really dense. He doesn't notice girls like other teenage boys do. And to see him change from that to a complete romantic in you fanfic feels fake. Example:

    “Would ma’ Lady in Red like to dance?” he asked me, in a very gentleman like way.
    This doesn't seem Ash-like to me at all ^^;;

    Another thing:

    “May… we’ve traveled together and been best friends for a long time now.” He started, “And during that time, I started to become attached to you. Everything about you – to me – is so perfect, that I couldn’t even find the right word to describe it. Every time I’m near you, my heart beats faster that I can barely breath…”

    “Ash… are you…?” I started but was cut off by Ash, placing a finger on my lips.

    “Please May… let me finish,” he said and I nodded.

    “At first I didn’t know what was wrong with me… I thought I was sick or something. But… as I grew older, and with some advise from my mom, I finally realized that the reason I was feeling this way was because of love. May… I love you… with every bit of my heart, and I hope you feel the same way too.” He finished.

    I was surprised. “Did Ash just say he loves me in the longest way possible? Could this night get any better?!” I thought.

    “Oh Ash,” I began, as I jumped at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and placing my head on his shoulder, surprising him as I started to cry, “You don’t how much that means to me!”

    “So, I’m taking that’s a ‘yes’?” he whispered in my ear.

    “Yes Ash, it does. I love you too, with all my heart,” I replied.

    “Well then… I have something else for you,” he said as he pulled me away from him.

    “What else could he possibly have for me?” I thought.

    He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black box. My eyes widened as I gasped, knowing what it was. He then got down on one knee and started to speak…

    “May… since we’ve know each other for so long, and now know that we love each other with all our hearts, I would like to ask you this last and most important question for the night.” He said,

    “May… would you do me the honor, of becoming my wife?” he asked as he opened the box, reveling a pure diamond ring, with a very small piece of ruby at the top.

    I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I couldn’t believe, this was really happening. More tears began to form in my eyes, for this was something I’ve dreamed of for years.
    Um, they just confessed. o_O How can he already be proposing to her if they just confessed to each other? Wouldn't they first date and then decide to get married. It seems way to quick for that to happen. After all, marriage is a big step.

    red high-healed
    high-heeled

    “Hey there May. Ready to go?” he asked.
    Commas should be used here. Or instead of having two separate sentences, you could simply add both sentences together or add commas. Like, instead of that, you can say: "Hey there, May. Are you ready to go?"

    I guess that's it for my review, and like I said the idea of it is great, but it could use a bit more description imo. OOC is okay sometimes, as long as you mention at the beginning whether or not your characters are ooc. It isn't a requirement or anything (at least, I think it isn't) But it would help the readers know what is in store.
    Last edited by Uzamaki Hinata; 3rd July 2008 at 2:45 AM.
    ~*Uza-chan's Good bye*~

    IS SUPAH FIIIINE

  16. #16
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    (cough) Zeaeevee, put the rating in the first post or your fic will be closed then it will be a sad day for you. (cough) JUST A TIP!

    This doesn't seem Ash-like to me at all ^^;;
    really? that quote form the story must've been my favorite of them all! "Would ma’ Lady in Red like to dance?" I liked the OOC-ness, there! I LOVED it! LOVED it! L O V E D it!!!! (okay, I think you get it!)

    ~riolulu


    Always, I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony, harmony
    Oh love!

    I will always love you.
    Please wait for me.

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