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Thread: One Bolt Of Lightning (ikarishipping fanfic)

  1. #1
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    Default One Bolt Of Lightning (ikarishipping fanfic)

    I'll put it in PG besides this is my first ikarishipping fanfic

    Chapter 1

    It was a cloudy day as Ash, Dawn, and Brock were heading through Hearthome. The clouds were all puffy and gray. "Guys I think that its going to rain soon" Ash said. "Ash we can handle rain besides what about your gym battle" Dawn said. "Yeah I forgot I already got four badges let's go" Ash said as he and Brock raced towards Hearthome Gym. "Boys" Dawn muttered and went to Amity Square

    But Ash was right it was going to rain but not just rain a storm was coming. Dawn went out of Amity Square since the workers said it wouldn't be safe. Soon Dawn felt a rain drop on to her nose. Eventually rain was shooting down from the clouds and loud booms of thunder were heard. All of Hearthome's citizen's were running towards the nearest shelter. Dawn ran to the Pokemon Center bu it was too late. She was struck by lightning!

    During the storm Ash brought Dawn inside after she was hit. "Nurse Joy Nurse Joy this an emergency" Ash called. "What is it" Joy asked. "You need to fill my broken heart with love that's why" Brock said with heart eyes. "Not now Brock" Ash said as Dawn was in his arms. "Croagunk" Croagunk said as it jabbed Brock with it's Poisen Jab. "Croa croa croa oa oa" Croagunk said as he dragged Brock away. "What happened to her" Nurse Joy asked. "She was hit by lightning" Ash said while looking at his friend. Soon Nurse Joy checked on what went wrong.

    "It appears Dawn has a severe coma" Joy said to Ash and Brock. "Oh no" Ash said. "Let's hope she makes it" Brock said. "Ka" Pikachu said in agreement. Soon the three were inside a room that Nurse Joy booked them into until Dawn recovers. "You think Dawn will wake up" Ash asks. "I'm sure of it Ash she'll pull through this" Brock said. Pretty soon Paul arrived in Hearthome City as well. He heard some of the people talking about how a blue haired girl go hit by lightning in that storm las night. *The only blue haired girl I know is that one traveling with Ash and that breeder* Paul thought as he walked to the Pokemon Center.

    "Ash you sure you don't want to challenge Fantina again" Brock asked as they were sitting on a couch in there. "Brock I told you I don't want Dawn to miss my victory' Ash said angrilly. "Yeah but who knows when she will wake up" Brock said as he thought of the young coordinator. "Where's that pesky girlfriend of yours" Paul asked as he looked at them. "Why would you even care" Ash said rudely. "I was just saying since usually your and her are talking about pokemon,battles, or contests" Paul snapped. "She got hit last night" Brock said. "By the lightning" Paul asked. "Yeah we're waiting for her to wake up" Brock said.

    Pretty soon Ash and Brock went outside to train their pokemon for Ash's second gym challenge. "Since Fantina has Ghost types it will be hard guys but we will win our fifth badge" Ash said. Then his pokemon cheered. "Finally those two left" Paul said and walked up to the counter. "Can I help you" Nurse Joy asks. "Yeah do you know where Dawn's room is" Paul asked. "Yes it's the second door on the right side of the hallway" Nurse Joy said. "Thanks" Paul said. Then he went inside the room and saw Dawn sleeping. He slowly shut the door so nobody could see what was going to happen. Then he walked up to Dawn's bed and looked at her.

    "Hey troublesome" Paul said and snapped his fingers near her face. She didn't even stir "Guess I have to do this then" Paul muttered and put his hand on her's. "If you can hear listen I wouldn't say this if you were around but if I might not ever see you again I just want to let you know that I love you" Paul whispered into her ear. Then he kissed her and was just going to leave when Dawn opened her eyes. She turned and looked at him. "Wait" Dawn started to say but Paul left.
    Last edited by kitty123; 28th June 2008 at 8:46 PM.

  2. #2
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    Very nice fan-fic. i suggest you could make your story longer but other than that this is a very nice story. I'm looking forward for chapter 2.
    Last edited by midnightmoon; 28th June 2008 at 8:47 AM. Reason: Add more words

  3. #3
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    (Thanks Midnightmoon)

    Chapter 2

    "Huh" Paul said and turned and saw Dawn looking at him. "Boy Brock Pikachu really took a beating on all the training" Ash said from down the hall. "We'll talk later" Paul said and walked fast out of the room. "Later" Dawn questioned. "Hey Dawn you're awake" Ash said as he walked into their room. "Yeah strange thing was I don't know how I got here" Dawn said. "It must have been a blur to you since that lightning hit you" Brock said as he entered the room. "Pika" Pikachu said and hopped on to Dawn's shoulder purring his furry head on hers.

    Paul was outside angry with what just happened "Curse that kid I could have told her right then and there now I'll never get another chance like that" Paul said with rage. "Come on Dawn let's go to the gym" Ash said and ran ahead of her. "Wait up Ash" Brock said as he ran behind him. "No wait" Dawn called but it was too late the impatient pokemon trainer and warm hearted breeder entered the gym's doors. "Too late" Dawn said with a sigh. *Maybe I can tell her now* Paul thought as he looked Dawn walking through Hearthome with a sad look on her face.

    Soon Dawn started to cry silently thinking that the same thing was going to happen again. "Dawn" a voice said from behind. That voice sounded quite familiar to her. She turned around and saw Paul looking at her. She tried to hold back the tears but it wasn't working. "Look if you're going to insult me I'm not in the mood for it" Dawn said and ran off. "No wait" Paul said and chased after her.

  4. #4
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    What a short chapter but it's ur first story so i understqnd. anyway i wonder what's going to happen to Dawn. Hmmm. Can't wait for chapter 3. Writing long chapters are hard. Anyway nice chapter.

  5. #5
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    (Well I'm trying to get readers to wonder what will happen next besides it might get a bit funny as time moves on )

    Chapter 3

    Dawn was blinded by her tears and ran inside Mt. Coronet. "That girl is fast" Paul said as he was still trailing behind her. Soon Dawn almost ran into a female trainer inside. "Hey watch where your going you cry baby" she snapped. Paul heard what the person asid and shoved her out of the way. "Ow you're going to pay for that stranger" she said again. Soon Dawn realized she was inside the mountain. She sat down at the shore of the water inside looking at her reflection. Her tears made skinny white rings on the surface.

    "Why did I just run back in Hearthome" she asked herself with sadness. Paul finally saw her and sat next to her. "You okay" Paul asks. His voice broke the thoughts Dawn was having. "Why are you here" she asks with a twinge of anger. "Well I just wanted to know why you were crying" Paul said calmly. "Why would you even care" Dawn said and got up. Then she started walking ahead. "You're not the same happy girl I usually know that's why" Paul said and grabbed her hand. Dawn blushed slightly at this "I just want to be alone" she said trying to fight back the lump in her throat and tears that were forming. "Someone with that kind of sadness wouldn't want to actually" Paul said.

    "It's just that" Dawn tried to say but broke down into sobs. "No don't cry" Paul said and hugged her. Dawn's was trying to stop but it just made her cries worse. "It's okay" Paul said with comfort. Pretty soon she stopped crying. Paul then let go of her but noticed two black eyes looking at the two in the darkness. Dawn turned and saw the eyes too. She then began to run to them. The eyes were that of a Pikachu. Only the tail had a small indent at the end. "Pika' the Pikachu yelled as it ran off. "Who would have a Pikachu running loose in this place" Dawn asked. "You think it belonged to" Paul started to say. "Well he Pikachu had a little chip at the end of it's tail making the end look like a little V almost" Dawn said again. "Okay forms" Paul muttered as he looked at Pikachu's male and female form. "Well that couldn't have been Ash's Pikachu since it was a girl Pikachu" Paul said after putting his Pokedex away.

    "Pika pi" Pikachu said as it ran back to it's trainer. "Okay Sparkle we need to go over plan poke power" the trainer said as all her pokemon were out of their balls. Pretty soon Dawn and Paul were back at the lake. "Why did you hug me before" Dawn asked. "It was the only way to get you to be quiet tha's why" Paul said with a smirk. "Oh I get it" Dawn said with a gloomy expression. "You're okay aren't you" Paul asked. "Yes but can I tell you something" Dawn asked. "Yeah what is it" Paul said and looked at her. They were both looking into each other's eyes. Paul's was hoping that Dawn would say what he wanted her to say. Also the trainer and her six pokemon were preparing the Poke Power Plan.

  6. #6
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    Chapter 4

    (This might be funny)

    "Everyone clear and in their hiding spots for when I give the signal" Allison said to her pokemon. Rap" Rapidash neighed since he from behind a huge boulder. "Lux" Luxray said as she was behind a rock by the lake. "Po" Empoleon said as he jumped into the lake and was a little bit near the shore. "Pika pi" Pikachu whined. "You're going to be the electric part of the plan" the trainer said. "Pika pi pika" Pikachu said again. "Luxray doesnt know moves like yours she know close range attacks" the trainer said. "Yes but why am I here" Lucario asked using telepathy. "You're my talking pokemon besides you're one of my best pokemon" the trainer said. "Now I remember" Lucario said. "Okay Pikachu on my command" the trainer said. "Pi" Pikachu said

    "Paul I" Dawn started to say. "Now Pikachu use your Thunderbolt" the trainer commanded. "Pi pikachuuuuuuuuuuuu" Pikachu yelled while firing electricity. It headed straight for Dawn. "Oh no not again" Dawn said and shielded herself. Paul then pushed her away. Then the Thunderbolt hit a nearby rock. "What are you attacking her for" Paul yelled. "What I was just training my Pikachu's electric attacks for when we go up against Team Galactic as we get further into this place your girlfriend was just in the way" the trainer said. "First off she's not my girlfriend and second you aimed it at he you loser" Paul snapped. "You take that back" the female trainer said. "Can we please stop this" Dawn said and walked between the two of them. "Hey I've seen you during some of the Pokemon Contests" the girl said again. "You have" Dawn asked. "Yeah you're that loser who only got one ribbon" the girl said with a smirk. "Oh yeah" Dawn said and tried attacking her but Paul held her back.

    "Boy she needs to work on her temper" the trainer said to her two pokemon. "Pika pi" Pikachu said and rolled her eyes. "You done" Paul asked. "Yeah I'm done" Dawn said. Then Paul let go of her. "Well who are you anyways" Dawn asks. "Allison and I'm aiming to be the greatest trainer ever" Allison said. "What are you even doing here anyways" Dawn asked. Allison then smacked her forehead. "Well now I'm trying to get to Spear Pillar" Allison said. "What" Dawn asked. "You wouldn't understand you never met these creeps" Allison said. "Creeps" Dawn said and was puzzled. "Just let me handle this job" Allison said. "Why" Dawn asked. "You don't know how strong these people are just stick to contests you sissy" the trainer said. "What did you just call me" Dawn said. "Okay team assemble" Allison yelled. Rapiiii" Rapidash said and ran to her side. "Lux" Luxray said and jumped from the rock and started swimming through the water. "Empoleon" Empoleon said and swam alongside Luxray. They jumped right next to Allison. "You're still a loser even with pokemon like that" Paul said. "Well I already have seven gym badges anyways" Allison said. "Yeah so just stay out of this" Lucario said. "That one just talked" Dawn said. "She's getting annoying now Lucario use Aura Sphere" Allison commanded. Lucario charged up a blue ball, and then threw it at Dawn. The force sent her into the lake and she started drowning.
    "Okay let's go come on Roserade" Allison said as her Roserade was laughing like crazy at this. "Rose" Roserade said and ran next to her. "Everybody let's go" Allison said. Then she and her pokemon left.

  7. #7
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    Are these chapters reaching a page? D: They need to be in order to be within legal range.
    Anyway...this all looks like a block of text. You seriously need to make quotations create their own paragraph. For example:

    Quote Originally Posted by original post
    "Boy she needs to work on her temper" the trainer said to her two pokemon. "Pika pi" Pikachu said and rolled her eyes. "You done" Paul asked. "Yeah I'm done" Dawn said. Then Paul let go of her. "Well who are you anyways" Dawn asks. "Allison and I'm aiming to be the greatest trainer ever" Allison said. "What are you even doing here anyways" Dawn asked. Allison then smacked her forehead. "Well now I'm trying to get to Spear Pillar" Allison said.
    Quote Originally Posted by Revised
    "Boy, she needs to work on her temper," the trainer said to her two pokemon.
    "Pika pi" Pikachu said, rolling her eyes.
    "You done?" Paul asked.
    "Yeah, I'm done," Dawn said. Then Paul let go of her.
    "Well, who are you anyways" Dawn asks.
    "I'm aiming to be the greatest trainer ever," Allison said.
    "What are you even doing here anyways?" Dawn asked.
    Allison then smacked her forehead and said, "Well now I'm trying to get to Spear Pillar."
    Bold are the corrections. I'd look nicer and sound better if you added more detail and SHOWED the reader what you are trying to portray than simply telling them.
    That's just some constructive crit.
    Please make sure your chapters are long enough.
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

    Status: Chaptered | R | Contestshipping | Finished

    Encyclopika:
    Made the banner
    Is a GIRL. >.>;;
    Has a deviantART account and a Tumblr
    Is on Fanfiction.net.
    Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest? PM me!
    Don't reply to my infractions. It's not gonna change anything.

    Random friend requests do nothing. Let's actually talk first. >_<

  8. #8
    Join Date
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    Are these chapters reaching a page? D: They need to be in order to be within legal range.
    Anyway...this all looks like a block of text. You seriously need to make quotations create their own paragraph. For example:

    Quote Originally Posted by original post
    "Boy she needs to work on her temper" the trainer said to her two pokemon. "Pika pi" Pikachu said and rolled her eyes. "You done" Paul asked. "Yeah I'm done" Dawn said. Then Paul let go of her. "Well who are you anyways" Dawn asks. "Allison and I'm aiming to be the greatest trainer ever" Allison said. "What are you even doing here anyways" Dawn asked. Allison then smacked her forehead. "Well now I'm trying to get to Spear Pillar" Allison said.
    Quote Originally Posted by Revised
    "Boy, she needs to work on her temper," the trainer said to her two pokemon.
    "Pika pi" Pikachu said, rolling her eyes.
    "You done?" Paul asked.
    "Yeah, I'm done," Dawn said. Then Paul let go of her.
    "Well, who are you anyways" Dawn asks.
    "I'm aiming to be the greatest trainer ever," Allison said.
    "What are you even doing here anyways?" Dawn asked.
    Allison then smacked her forehead and said, "Well now I'm trying to get to Spear Pillar."
    Bold are the corrections. I'd look nicer and sound better if you added more detail and SHOWED the reader what you are trying to portray than simply telling them.
    That's just some constructive crit.
    Please make sure your chapters are long enough.
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

    Status: Chaptered | R | Contestshipping | Finished

    Encyclopika:
    Made the banner
    Is a GIRL. >.>;;
    Has a deviantART account and a Tumblr
    Is on Fanfiction.net.
    Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest? PM me!
    Don't reply to my infractions. It's not gonna change anything.

    Random friend requests do nothing. Let's actually talk first. >_<

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