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Thread: Giovanni Chronicles

  1. #1
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    Cool Giovanni Chronicles

    Okay, here is my second shot at writing a pokemon story. Tell me what you think guys.

    Giovanni awoke to the sound of firecrackers. It was morning, and the sky was being even more illuminated than it already was by the fireworks that were going off in the sky. He was in a room at the Sinnoh League, and apparently the first match of the day was starting to begin. Giovanni didn’t worry about it at all. He had been on his journey for a full year, and while it was to prepare for this day, he didn’t even step foot in one gym. He was actually here for on thing; wealth. He was going to steal the trophy. He threw on a white T-shirt and some blue jeans, and proceeded to leave the room. He walked down the hallway, and turned, ready to get on al elevator to take him down.

    “When are we gonna grab that trophy?” a voice asked. It was right around the corner. The people talking were waiting for an elevator.

    “Chill out Gregory. We need to bide our time. After this next match, we’ll grab it then. I’ll get rid of the window, and you grab the trophy and jump out. Just be careful. Until we re-group outside the arena, you’re by yourself,” one of the voices said. The other voice piped up again.

    “How many others are helping us?”

    “Five others in our troop. A bunch of others are gonna help from too. It should be plenty to get the job done,” there was a ding, and the people talking got on. Giovanni’s heart raced. There was actually an organized group preparing to do what he had come to do? He wasn’t going to let that happen. Walking up to the elevator, he hit the button. He waited for about ten seconds, and began continuously pushing it, as if that would make it go faster. Eventually, it reached the top. Giovanni got on, mashed the first floor button, and waited. When the doors opened again, he took off towards the arena, which was about two blocks away. Reaching the arena, he entered and got a seat at the very top, so he could see what was going to happen. He didn’t even have a plan! All he knew was that he was going to stop whoever it was from stealing that trophy. A battle was going on in the arena. Giovanni decided to watch it. Two boys, one with a mightyena, and the other with a golduck, were battling.

    “Mightyena, use Shadow Ball!” one of the kids called. Mightyena hurled a spinning, black sphere at Golduck.

    “Dodge, and use Hydro Pump!” the other trainer called. Golduck leapt high into the air, and fired a powerful jet of clear blue water at Mightyena.

    “Counter with iron tail!” Mightyena spun around, its tail glowing a faint steel color, and slammed it into the hydro pump, breaking it apart, causing small droplets to float to the ground, glittering in the morning sun.

    “Now use Bite!” the mightyena jumped up where Golduck was, and bit down on its neck. Both pokemon plummeted to the ground, hitting it with a loud thud, and kicking up a dust cloud. Gloduck’s trainer smirked.

    “Psybeam at full power!” he ordered. A thick, glowing red beam flew out of the dust cloud towards the sky. It flew all the way up, piercing through the middle of a cloud. A few seconds passed. Something was falling down towards the arena. It was the mightyena.

    “Tyranitar, use Hyper Beam!” a voice called out. A bright orange beam flew across the arena, hitting the mightyena and taking it with it, and continued on to smash the glass on the podium where the announcer sits. Everyone panicked, running for an exit. Giovanni stood up.

    “People get so scared so easily nowadays,” he muttered, pulling out a pokeball. A man jumped out of the podium, and, just as Giovanni had heard, he was alone. This guy was gonna get demolished.

    “Go Gliscor!” Giovanni called, releasing his pokemon in a blaze of red light.

    “Use Sandstorm on that guy with the trophy!” he commanded. Gliscor obeyed, creating a swirling tornado of dust and sand. It picked the guy up immediately, and began spinning him around in a circle, creating cuts all over his body. Giovanni was gonna keep this up until the guy either dropped the trophy, or the police showed up. Suddenly, a pair of metal wings erupted from the guys back. Giovanni hadn’t noticed the machine on his back. The wings fired some fire, launching the guy forward, and out of the sandstorm.

    “Gliscor, use X-Scissor on those wings!” Giovanni called. Gliscor flew after the guy, but he spun around, holding what looked to be a gun. He fired it. A sharpedo shaped missile shot out of it.

    “Gliscor! Get out of the way!” Giovanni called. It was too late though. The missile hit Gliscor dead on, and the Fang Scorpion pokemon plummeted to the ground. Giovanni returned it before it landed. Meanwhile, the guy flew over the arena wall. Giovanni hurried and exited the arena. Outside was chaos. The police were battling these me wearing all black. Attacks were flying everywhere. People’s bodies were lying all over the ground. It was chaos. Giovanni scanned the area for some sign of where the person with the trophy had gone. He ran through all the fighting, searching. Eventually, he ended up outside of the arena. He stopped, gasping for breath. He couldn’t believe he’d run all the way out here just to find nothing. He looked at the sky, half expecting it to rain on him. Instead, he saw a big, black jet flying overhead. He saw the person with the trophy in the co-pilot seat. He pulled out a pokeball, and threw it.

    “Garchomp!” he yelled. He got onto his pokemon’s back.

    “Take that jet down!” he ordered. Garchomp jumped into the sky, folded its wings up, and began to fly. The winds were hitting Giovanni’s face at full speed, and Garchomp was only going faster. They easily caught up with the jet.

    “Fly under it and use Slash!” Giovanni ordered. Garchomp did exactly that, slicing the hull with its claws. The jet dipped.

    “Now fly in front of it and use flamethrower!” Giovanni continued. Garchomp obeyed again, flying in front of the jet and breathing a jet of red hot flames onto it. The jet careened, and dropped like a rock to the ground below. Giovanni and Garchomp landed next to it. Cops were arresting the two men inside.

    “There isn’t a trophy in here. Not even any remains of a trophy.” One of them said. Giovanni’s eyes got wide. He turned around, and saw another jet flying overhead. He got a better grip on Garchomp, and-

    “Boom!” what felt like a rocket hit Garchomp in the stomach. It fell forwards, landing on its face. A man wearing black had fired it. He was quickly filled with led by the police. Giovanni returned his Garchomp. There was a series of cracks where it had landed.

    “Well sir, it is a shame they got away, but thanks for helping us detain these crooks and try to re attain the trophy. I wish we could compensate you, but the damage they did is so great we’ll barely be able to pay for that,” one of the cops said, wiping the sweat off of his face.

    “I’ve got it! Why don’t we give you free rooms and dinner for a year?” he asked. Giovanni nodded. He didn’t plan on ever coming back, but if he did, he might as well make them regret that proposal. He could really care less for that. He had to find whoever it was that stole that trophy, and steal it for himself.
    Last edited by jubilife; 14th July 2008 at 4:12 AM.

  2. #2
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    You encounter wild Wall of Text! Wall of Text crits your eyes for 50k dmg! Your eyes die in an explosion of breaking glass!

    Alright you should know better than to make a wall of text.

    I mean it's not as if Copy/Pasting from MS/Notepad does that.

    Er, how did Psybeam a psychic attack work on a dark type...? Psychic is completely useless against dark types. You know that right?

    You didn't do a good job describing Garchomp, it has no wings. It has fins, but not wings. So you not only poorly described that, you didn't explain how, Garchomp flew.

    I .. just can't force myself to read anymore, you did a horrible and rushed job writing this, you didn't explain anything, didn't explain why Giovanni would be so desperate to actually show himself to people, risk it rather, and for the sake of a trophy.

    And if this is supposed to be before he became the leader of the rockets, you blatantly ignored facts set in stone, and you used pokemon from generations that would NOT have been discovered yet.

    You really didn't listen, nor try. I really suggest READING the thread ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS AND not just working on description and emotion, and depth and detail, but putting some believability into the scenarios you're trying to create.

    Edit: Wow you actually realised one of the mistakes you did as I was writing my review.

  3. #3
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    The dark type wasn't defeated by the psybeam. It was defeated by the great heights, and the Hyper Beam that hit it on its way down. And yes, Garchomp can fly. Read it's pokedex entry. http://www.serebii.net/pokedex-dp/445.shtml The key word there is FLY!!! Most basic people know what a pokemon that popular looks like, but since you didn't know it could fly, I guess you have an excuse. And I never said this follows the anime. I simply said he's YOUNGER. You misenterpreted. And have you ever heard of a chapter two?! Other things can be explained in it, so complaining about something small like that is just trying to be a ***** and you know it!

  4. #4
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    Dude don't blame me for getting two attacks confused when you had everything chunked together when I reviewed it. No wait, the battle is still rushed and confused, you say Hyperbeam but I just see Psybeam used, and so don't get yelling at me when it's clearly still your fault for rushing through a battle like you did.

    “Psybeam at full power!”
    Now. I want to hit you for;

    The key word there is FLY!!! Most basic people know what a pokemon that popular looks like, but since you didn't know it could fly, I guess you have an excuse.
    I know it can fly but you poorly described and explained how Garchomp FLEW with a PASSENGER ON ITS BACK. You gave Garchomp wings, but I have a Garchomp on Pearl. It has fins. Not wings. Now.

    Cheshire, made a fic, with a Garchomp, that flew, but he used his own imagination to tell the readers how he envisioned a Garchomp able to fly. You, did not.

    And I never said this follows the anime. I simply said he's YOUNGER. You misenterpreted.
    Not just the Anime, the games and the manga, and the fact Giovanni was born into the Rockets: his mother owned them, and other examples of information that shouldn't just be tossed aside, wether anime related or not. And if he's younger, how did he obtain pokemon when as I said, they'd not have been discovered yet.

    And have you ever heard of a chapter two?! Other things can be explained in it, so complaining about something small like that is just trying to be a ***** and you know it!
    No, what I am complaining about is the fact you suddenly, and randomly, take a young Giovanni, throw him into a pokemon tournament, with no real explination as to why, or why he should even care about a trophy. Yes there's always chapter two but I'm pointing out the here and now of rushed chapter one!

    I am not just doing this to be a *****, did you or any other peabrained person I review think that maybe I am trying to help you get better?!

    Now don't make me slap you, this was poorly pulled off, and what I pointed out, needs to be worked on! Now, go work on it!

  5. #5
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    Fine. I'll edit it and re-post it tomorrow.

  6. #6
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    Question: Where is the description? Other than telling what Giovanni was wearing, you didn't answer the most basic of questions:

    1)What does he look like?

    2)How old is he?

    The Pokemon have no description; you only mention them by name, not physical description. Even though we all know what the Pokemon look like, you still need to describe it to us. In real life, authors don't call a character by name and think "Oh, I'll let the readers go look up his/her description on a website".

    Plotwise: Where is it? Is it about Giovanni commiting random crimes? Obviously this is before he became Rocket Boss, however you need to tell us this. You can't just let the reviewers guess.

    Psychic type attacks don't harm Dark types. If it hits them, it doesn't even move them. Therefore, the scene where Mightyena gets sent flying is an inconsistancy.

    Work on description. Hammer out a plotline. And most of all, keep events consistant with well-known facts; ergo, no more scenes where Dark types moved by Psychic moves.

    Oh yes. You can't always use the next chapter to explain things. When people read, they want to understand what is going on. If they don't, they'll stop reading. Another thing, you asked the reviewers for their opinion. You don't attack someone for what they said.

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