Results 1 to 17 of 17

Thread: Pokemon Mystery DUngeon Three: The Chronicles of Team Go-Getters

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default Pokemon Mystery DUngeon Three: The Chronicles of Team Go-Getters

    Chapter 1: The Beginning

    In this world, no humans exist. This world is a world inhabited by Pokemon.

    Rescue Team Rebellium is the most well-known Rescue Team around. But with them, hides a secret. They have fooled everyone to think that they are the best Rescue team around, and that they are very kind. But they really have a malicious plot to rip the Earth apart, having a corner of the world as there domain.

    The hope of the world being returned to harmony lies in the hands of four young heroes. A Turtwig, Chimchar, Piplup, and a Pikachu. Can they do it? This is the story of how the world is on the brink of destruction.

    The first pokemon is a pokemon called Turtwig. At present, a pokemon. But at one time, A human! Along with Chimchar, Piplup, & Pikachu, he will search until the end of the world (literally) to find why he mysteriously turned into a pokemon.

    The second pokemon is Chimchar. He is very determined and confident, and usually acts like a leader.

    The third pokemon is Piplup. She is a timid pokemon, and somewhat impish. She has always like the idea of legends, and treasure. And thus, she is the Team's Treasure Hunter.

    Last but not least, there is Pikachu. She is very protective of her team members, especially Chimchar, who she has a crush on it. But, excluding Piplup, Pikachu usually keeps her love life to herself.
    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___

    Chimchar, Piplup, and Pikachu walked down to PokeCentral. PokeCentral was the place where there was Khangaskan Storage, Kecleon Wares, The Electivire Link Shop, Chansey's Daycare, Xatu's Appraisal, Duskull's Bank, and all the other quirks of Treasure Town and Pokemon Square.

    "So, gang, where should we go today?" Chimchar asked.

    "Piplup looked at the Wonder Map. "Well, it looks like there is a place called the Old Mansion that could use some exploring."

    "All right, its settled! Onwards, to the Old Mansion."

    When Team Go-Getters finally got on there way to the Old Mansion, they saw someone, collapsed on the ground!

    "Wha-? What's that, over there, Chimchar?" Pikachu asked.

    "It's someone, unconscious!"

    "Let's help it" Piplup said, with the rest of the gang rushing over to the passed-out Turtwig.

    "Oh..." I moaned.

    "Are you ok?!" Pikachu asked.

    "Yes, I'm fine. But you guys are pokemon, why are you talking?!" I asked, astonished.

    "Your a pokemon, too." Piplup said.

    "No, I'm a human!" I said.

    "What?" Chimchar asked, jaw-dropped. "But you look like a normal Turtwig, in every way!"

    "Now I'm a pokemon...But I was once a human!" I said, looking hopeless.

    "Well, until you find out why you are a human, do you want to joi-" Chimchar asked, but was stopped by a very speedy and rascally pokemon, who stole there Wonder Map.

    "Hey! Get back here!" Pikachu said.

    "Hey! Turtwig! Will you help us get our Wonder Map back?" Piplup asked, as if it were such an emergency.

    "Uhh..sure!" I said, as we ran off into the Old Mansion.

    When we finally got there, the door slammed open. When we got in, the door slammed shut.

    "Wow...This place gives me the heebeebujeebees!" I said, shivering.

    "There she is!" Pikachu said, pointing to a Weavile.

    "Well, well, well. What do we have here? If it isn't Team Go-Babies." Weavile said, with a smirk on her face.

    After much rigorous fighting, we finally got the Wonder Map back.

    "Humph. That victory of yours was...stupid. We will meet again, Team Go-Getters." Weavile said, running off.

    "Wow! For a human, your a pretty good fighter! Would you like to join Team Go-Getters?" Chimchar asked me.

    "I don't have anywhere to go, so...sure!" I said.

    "Yay!" Everyone said, as they started heading back for PokeCentral.

    Er, should I keep going? How do you guys like it?
    Last edited by Yoom.TAH!; 12th July 2008 at 11:56 PM.


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Bolivia - South America.
    Posts
    1,458

    Default

    Chapters have to have a minimum of three pages.

    Please check Advice for Aspiring Authors and Fanfiction Rules.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Oops, sorry. Can I call them "sections"? Just because, I do short parts at a time, to keep everyone on the edge of there seat.


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Bolivia - South America.
    Posts
    1,458

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Yoom.TAH! View Post
    Oops, sorry. Can I call them "sections"? Just because, I do short parts at a time, to keep everyone on the edge of there seat.
    Nope, that's against the rules. Reading both of these threads I gave you will help you out immensely as a writer.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Ugh...

    ...SO are you saying I can't post, what I posted before?


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Bolivia - South America.
    Posts
    1,458

    Default

    If they're the same length as your current chapter one, then nope. Try to lengthen your chapters and please...read the links I posted.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Well, I edited it. How about now?


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Well, I edited it. How about now?


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Bolivia - South America.
    Posts
    1,458

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Yoom.TAH! View Post
    Well, I edited it. How about now?
    Yeah, it's okay now...though it's recommended if you strive for at least three to four pages. This is barely two. Did you read the links I gave you?
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Kind of...How do you tell if its a page?

    And do you want me to go on?


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Where Hokies reign
    Posts
    2,815

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Yoom.TAH! View Post
    Kind of...How do you tell if its a page?

    And do you want me to go on?
    A page is as long as one page on Microsoft Word.

    Might I suggest actually describing scenes--such as the battle--and characters. We know what Chimchar and Pikachu look like, but describe it to us like we have never seen one before. I would advise you to look over a number of the stories here for examples of how to properly conduct and describe scenes. This is definitely not enough for a proper story.

    Now I am not trying to be mean, I'm trying to help. Writing is not easy, especially when it comes to Pokemon Mystery Dungeon stories. I know as I have been working on my own now for a couple months.

    My best advise for you is to look over other's works (but do not copy them) and start over. It may seem like a lot of work, but it will be beneficial in the end when you are able to write a great story. Like I said, this is not meant to be mean.

    Now being reposted!


  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    4,501

    Default

    Burnt Flower; don't just tell people to add length, if it's a crappy chapter, length just adds more crap, not filler :<

    To be honest the chapter length is a guideline, the chapter could be as short as two pages, but if you think about it, 1/2 pages are short, even three pages are too. But if it's filled with quality work, isn't bad script, isn't bad script fic-ing, is overall excellent even if short, it's alright.

    But as we see here..

    As it's been said it hasn't been described. The scenery, the emotion, the interactions, the pale describing, it's all poor and watery. There's nothing solid to the fic, I mean if this was a radio or television program, it'd be five seconds of utter crap.

    And I didn't see a lick of originality; it's just widely accepted your character was once a human and isn't some poor pokemon with delusions of grandure or however it's spelt.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Thank you guys. I'll restart tomorrow.


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

  14. #14
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Chapter 1: The Beginning

    In this world, humans, do not exist. It is a world inhabited only by pokemon. Welcome to the tale. It's the beginning of a whole new adventure! An adventure, to the end of the world, and beyond. To the center of the Earth, and the four corners of it.
    But with the great wonders of the pokemon world, known as PokeLand, is someone who can spoil it. Who will this person be? That is the mystery and the fun of this adventure! Now, sit down, get some toast, and in joy this wonderful adventure, and the friendship between four friends!
    __________________________________________________ _________________

    Have you met Team Go-Getters? They are the most determined and unknown group of pokemon around. With great potential, and rigorous training, they will eventually have the power to rise to the top.
    When I say rigorous training, I mean training at House Wigglytuff! The jolly place where twelve other pokemon are apprentices.
    Why do we all live in one house, you ask? Well, that's because a new law was passed by an unknown leader. Whoever this was said that PokeCentral and surrounding areas were on a fault line, causing serious danger. So, some houses and shops had to be torn down. But that was only for the sake of our protection. And so, people started forming houses, run by a certain member, with allies, and certain jobs like cooking for the house. It's a good system, if you ask me.
    Now, let me introduce you to the apprentices. They are very diverse pokemon, and throughout the story, we will eventually share close bonds with them, and will be there for each other, through thick and thin.
    Well, let me first introduce you to the HOH (Head of Household). This pokemon is Wigglytuff. Wigglytuff is a very jolly pokemon, who is said to be based on a balloon, though it has no balloon like appearances. The pokemon Wigglytuff is a pink pokemon that loves to sing and dance. Even so, Wigglytuff is an extremely tough pokemon. And, whatever you do, do not let his rage build. What a horrific sight that would be.
    The next pokemon is the pokemon in charge. She gives everyone orders, though that is what Wigglytuff should be doing, Wigglytuff just sings and dances, and makes other people happy. The pokemon in charge (mostly) is a pokemon called Azumarril. Azumarril is an Aqua Mouse pokemon. It can pack quite a punch. In here, though, it has a very extensive vocabulary, and is quite intelligent.
    The next pokemon is a pokemon called Slowpoke. It is pink, with somewhat of a tail. Slowpoke is usually optimistic, and shares a somewhat close bond with Team Go-Getters. Slowpoke is always getting worn out by things, occasionally just by breathing. Slowpoke works as the Warner. Whenever emergencies happen, Slowpoke is there for the job. He rings the Emergeny siren, only when told to be Sheriff Magmortar, or the Deputies, Magmar & Magmar.
    The next pokemon is a pokemon called Alakazam. He is usually meditating, and is levitating using its psychic powers to get where he needs to go. He rarely speaks, though he is the most intelligent member of the House, with an IQ of 5,000. Though, when he occasionally speaks to members of the gang, it is usually something positive. Alakazam usually works as guard duty of the house, so no suspicious members come into the house looking for something that they shouldn't be.
    The next apprentice is a pokemon called Kirlia. It is a purple pokemon that wears a skirt, and is known for using its psychic powers for dancing, excessively. Like Alakazam, she rarely speaks. As for a job, she cleans the house, and organizes things like the schedule and the morning briefing.
    After Kirlia, the next apprentice is Mr. Mime. Mr Mime is a psychic-type pokemon that is known for its barrier abilities. As for a job, it cooks for the House. He takes great pride in what he does, as he is an amazing cook.
    The next ally is Roselia. She is a pokemon with thorns on her head and two Flowers as hands, one of which is read, and the other is blue. She is a positive an upbeat pokemon that often scares off important House inspectors and what not. In her line of work, she goes to PokeCentral to fetch things like apples for Mr. Mime to cook. Otherwise, like Slowpoke, she usually does nothing, all day.
    The next pokemon is Snover. He is a pokemon that is based on a frosted tree. He is the House Member that Team Go-Getters eventually shares there closest bond with. As for a job, Snover works on the world-famous Wigglytuff Garden that many people come to see in all of PokeLand.
    The next pokemon is Banette. Banette is a species of pokemon that is based off of a lost doll. For its mouth, it is just a zipper, so this pokemon very rarely talks. Banette is a pessimistic pokemon that often gets on Wigglytuff's nerves. He also often makes his rage build, so it is a downfall for everyone. When Alakazam can't scare off unwanted guests with his psychic powers, Banette is the pokemon for the job. That is what he does for work.
    The next apprentice is a pokemon called Bunneary. It is a pokemon that is known for jumping a lot, often with its ears.Like lots of members, it is an optimistic pokemon. When working, it helps Mr. Mime cook, but she usually just washes dishes.
    The next pokemon is a pokemon called Lombre. It is a pokemon with a hat thing on its head, used for storing water. Lombre often uses its Rain Dance attack to help Snover with the garden, though that is not what Lombre does for work. He is the pokemon that updates The Outlaw Notice Bord and The Bulliten Board. It is a very important job.
    After Lombre, we have Umbreon. He is a black pokemon with yellow rings on its body, resembling the moon. LIke Banette, Umbreon is a pestimistic pokemon, often to get on everyone's nerves. In his line of work, he fetches great jewels and items used for creating The Ultimate, which is an item Wigglytuff is working on that may possess great power.
    Lastly, there is Pinsir. Pinsir is a stag beetle pokemon with a giant, pointy guillotine on its head. Pinsir is a pokemon that most people stay away from, as it has a sharp guillotine, and a large temper. He works as the food server of the house. Remember, you better like what he gives you, or he'll give you a taste of his guillotine.
    __________________________________________________ ______________


    Now, how about we get to the description of Team Go-Getters?

    The first pokemon is a pokemon called Turtwig. At present, a pokemon. But at one time, A human! Along with Chimchar, Piplup, & Pikachu, he will search until the end of the world (literally) to find why he mysteriously turned into a pokemon.

    The second pokemon is Chimchar. He is very determined and confident, and usually acts like a leader.

    The third pokemon is Piplup. She is a timid pokemon, and somewhat impish. She has always like the idea of legends, and treasure. And thus, she is the Team's Treasure Hunter.

    Last but not least, there is Pikachu. She is very protective of her team members, especially Chimchar, who she has a crush on it. But, excluding Piplup, Pikachu usually keeps her love life to herself.
    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___
    Anyways...It was a beautiful day in the world of PokeLand. The sun shone brightly through the trees, with many Starly and Pidgey flying freely in the trees. Now that so many new laws were passed, it seemed like we didn't get to many days like this.
    It was also a cheerful day. Everyone in PokeCentral--From Caterpie all the way to Cranidos--were talking peacefully. The stores were going well, it was just, well, I don't think anyone could ask for a better day.
    And look, here comes Team Go-Getters. I wonder what they are up today. Let's take a look, shall we?
    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___
    Chimchar, Piplup, and Pikachu walked through PokeCentral, buying items, and chatting with many people, like the House Apprentices. I see they are in a good mood today, too.
    "So, gang. Where should we go exploring today?" Chimchar asked.
    Pikachu opened the Wonder Map.
    "Well, it looks like theres is this Old Mansion, that is dying for some exploring." Piplup said, pointing to the east.
    "All right, it's settled then. Onwards! To The Old Mansion!" Chimchar said.
    They went through the Murky Depths of the No-Time Forest, and at the end, they saw...

    To be continued...

    Is this batter?

    And do you want to hear more? Then tell me!
    Last edited by Yoom.TAH!; 13th July 2008 at 5:19 PM.


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    4,501

    Default

    ....

    /facepalm

    Wall of Text = death to all. You win epic fail. Getting that out of the way; This came off as a bad mixture of anime and game, and isn't any better than your first attempt of a chapter, and is only more confusing. Sure you did some describing now, but you described characters that could have appeared slowly throughout the chapters. Then instead of describing the characters, naturally, over time, you poorly describe them, next, after the large text of introduction/narration.

    And then the only bit I see that could be a chapter... or a very small part of something like a chapter was;

    Chimchar, Piplup, and Pikachu walked through Treasure Town.
    "So, gang. Where should we go exploring today?" Chimchar asked.
    Pikachu opened the Wonder Map.
    "Well, it looks like theres is this Old Mansion, that is dying for some exploring." Piplup said, pointing to the east.
    "All right, it's settled then. Onwards! To The Old Mansion!" Chimchar said.
    They went through the Murky Depths of the No-Time Forest, and at the end, they saw...
    So.. you went from being able to space to not; you didn't describe at all, well you did but it was poor and rushed. You didn't describe the characters, or their emotions, or the setting, and rushed them through a dungeon to get to a setting and then poorly cut it off for a cliff hanger.

    I.. get the feeling you only half listened to what everyone said. So go back, read what we told you. Read some books, read some other stories posted here. Read Advice for Aspiring Authors and Fanfiction rules.

    Then try again.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Ok, I'll keep trying until I get it right!


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

  17. #17
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    IDK, My BFF Jill?
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Ok, I'll keep trying until I get it right!


    BE AFRAID OF WEEDLE. VERY AFRAID!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •