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Thread: The Mystery of the Mount Coronet relic (g)

  1. #1
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    Default The Mystery of the Mount Coronet relic (g)

    -Prologue-

    April 21, 1757
    Eterna City, Sinnoh
    11:00 PM

    It was a dark, stormy night, the dirt road only illuminated by gas lamps on the side of the street. Everyone that lived in this town by the name of Eterna City was inside. Except for one.

    Stephen Johnson, a brown haired man in his forties, about 6 feet tall, was famous for his research of Pokemon and archeology, and sometimes the link between the two. He brought along his Pokemon companion, Bronzor, onto the route east of Eterna. The grass was especially wet in the rain.

    Tonight, he was going to investigate ruins only recently found in Mount Coronet. He'd been here only once in his entire life time, and only skimmed the entrance. He'd found nothing, and become very disappointed. But that was twenty years ago. Tonight would be different. Tonight, he would find something.

    "Bronzor, can you do me a kind favor and use Flash?" Stephen requested. A moment later, Bronzor used Flash and the insides of the mountain were illuminated.

    It was like a whole different world inside. The stalactites shimmered beautifully, and there were some Pokemon inside that were soundly sleeping. Stephen was careful not to wake them up, and Bronzor wasn't one to speak often. Once they got to a pedestal, there was a crevice to the right. "Here," Stephen directed. "Shine your light here, please." Bronzor did as it was told. "Thank you kindly," Stephen said. Then he found a lever and pulled it. Sure enough, some doors opened very quietly.

    Stephen stepped down a column of stairs and Bronzor followed, and they were lead to the entrance of the ruins. "Pokelantis," he muttered. The two came to a pair of large doors. "Heave-ho!" Stephen grunted, and the doors opened. A few Zubat flew out.

    The main chamber of the ruins had many scriptures on the wall. There was a particular one that Stephen was intent on studying, however. A scripture of a temporal and a spacial Pokemon in the front of the picture with three pixie-like Pokemon below, and an orb above, and then right next to it, a scripture of a slightly frightening being in a dark dimension, flying around, with the same orb above. Unknowing of their meaning, Stephen studied them intensely and compared them to three spherical artifacts he found when performing a field study at the top of the mountain. But it didn't match the orb at the top of the scripture. However, one orb glowed and the scripture of the being in the dark dimension moved to reveal a hidden chamber. Stephen and his Bronzor proceeded into the chamber. Then they faced one side of the room and found the same scripture as before, then turned around and found the same being in a different form inside a confusing cave.

    Turnback Cave.

    Stephen remembered the story of Turnback Cave all too well. The passage was about a young man who was exploring the cave and never came back. Legend had it that he found his way to the center chamber and everyone else became stuck for all of eternity. He, however, suffered a terrible fate cast upon him by "the being who watches thee from the dimension of darkness". Could the legend of Turnback Cave be true? Stephen dismissed the question for the moment and looked at the text below the other scripture. When he read the text, he was shocked. It read:
    "Thou shallst not disturb the being who watches thee from the dimension of darkness that resides beyond this scripture, for if thou does so, thee will be deceased by Giratina."

    Stephen had had enough for the night. It was already midnight, and his wife would be wondering where he was by now.


    -Chapter 1-

    October 5, 2006
    Snowpoint City, Sinnoh
    7:38 AM

    Professor Rowan took a car to Snowpoint City to perform field studies in the area around the town. He'd gotten up early so he could study for as long as he wished. He was middle-aged with white hair and a white beard, a lab coat on under his winter jacket. He was about five foot eleven feet tall.

    Snowpoint City's climate was cold enough that it snowed all year long. Some wild Pokemon migrated here every summer to train, and it was a very nice place for doing so. The cold would put them to their limits, and they would shape up to be as tough as they could be in order for survival. This was one of the reasons that it was a prime spot for trainers to catch Pokemon. Despite the cold climate, the townsfolk had warm hearts and colorful personalities, and the Snowpoint Temple was a popular tourist attraction this time of year. There was also a Pokemon Gym for Pokemon Trainers competing in the Pokemon League, a warm shop, and a Pokemon Center.

    Rowan wasn't here for free time, however. He came here to conduct a field study on the wild Pokemon in the area. He'd brought his son, Alex, to help him.
    Alex Rowan was a young trainer at about thirteen years old who'd already conquered the Hoenn and Kanto leagues. He was about five foot six tall and wore a winter coat with a warm pair of Levi Strauss jeans, and a plain shirt under his coat. His coat was a hoodie, which he'd put over him, and he wore camo gloves that had been suited for this kind of weather.

    Their study was to find a wild Medicham and place a tag on it so they could track its migration patterns for the course of a year. Then they'd keep track of its position at the lab. When a year went by, they'd revisit the Medicham and take the tag off, which has a built in camera, so it thus is placed on the forehead. The data recorded by the camera is uploaded to the computer. The tag is fairly big- about as long and wide as your index finger. This is so it can house the built-in camera and a small antenna to relay information back to the laboratory.

    They'd stay until they'd tagged a good 4 wild Medicham and then leave. Professor Rowan thought he'd seen something moving in the grass, and then saw it was just a Machoke. But then Alex spotted a Medicham on his left, training. He motioned his dad, who then quietly approached the Medicham and motioned for Alex to follow. Alex did as he was directed and approached just as quietly and catlike as his father. Medicham was one of those wild Pokemon who, if sensing danger, was attack first- in its case kick or punch- and run later. The Rowans had to approach purposefully, but not suddenly. They couldn't believe their luck when the Medicham turned calmly and looked up at Alex. He then slowly reached down to pat its forehead which it seemed to like. "It's okay. Don't worry," he assured the Pokemon. Then Professor Rowan reached for his backpack slowly, and grabbed a tag. Alex moved his hand, and his father placed the tag gently on its forehead and strapped it, without any sudden move. The Medicham just stood quietly until the humans were done, and when they were, continued training.

    ----------------------------
    ~Author's Note~
    Sorry if it was too short, but I used an online free spellcheck program.
    So, this sounds interesting. How are the prologue and the first chapter related? I want to see what your predictions are. Well, it looks like the study is starting off pretty well. But what does it have to do with the events that occured in the prologue? It seems it'll take a few chapters to figure it out.
    Man... this series is going to go on for a while.
    -Magnezone2022
    Last edited by Magnezone2022; 30th November 2008 at 6:29 AM.
    proud owner of a gamestop < I have two. Touch them and you'll get blasted by an EMP.
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  2. #2
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    I don't have much time, so I'll be quick.

    You like to describe humans, but leave the majority of Pokemon and scene descriptions in the dark. That was the main thing that I got from your story.

    When writing, apply description to as much as you can, Pokemon or not. Its a good writing skill, extends the story and you are able to convey your ideas to readers.

    Did you really have to write that much about a tracking camera? One paragraph is a bit overkill, especially when compared to other instances where it was needed.

    Alex Rowan, 13 and already a two-time champion - little unbelieve right now (*cough*GaryStu*cough*)- but I guess we'll have to see what happens.

    Please, make proper paragraphs (Hit enter twice) It hurt my eyes in a couple of places.

    I might come back and re-do this when I have more time.

    Thanks. PocketmonMaster.


    ...Far over the hilltops, the Sun may shine, but there is a Storm brewing beyond the sea...

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  3. #3
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    Default Next chapter

    Chapter 2

    The next day.


    It was 8:30 AM. The sweet sound of bird Pokemon singing songs woke Alex up bright and early. He went straight to the dinner table and ate a breakfast of scrambled eggs, milk, bacon, pancakes and sausages. The professor was outside at his lab already, checking up on the new project that they started yesterday. The computer was a Dell laptop, with a 15 inch screen and speakers connected to a USB port and an audio jack. The computer looked smooth and shiny on the outside, but what Professor Rowan was most interested in was the tracking application designed to run with the cameras set up on yesterday’s trip. It was very quick; the Rowans managed to come home before dusk.


    Alex finished up his dinner and wiped his face and hands with a napkin. He went outside of the house and saw a Machoke in front of him with a heavy parcel. There was a trainer next to the Machoke, but not any ordinary trainer. It was one of Sinnoh’s gym leaders, Maylene. Machoke had a muscular build, mostly blue in color, and stood about 4 and a half feet tall when upright. The muscles in its arms were very effective: it could lift about 2 tons. It wore a belt around its waist to suppress otherwise very dangerous strength. Its trainer, Maylene, was about 5 feet tall and was the gym leader of the Veilstone City gym. She had a skinny build, but in battle, she moved in sequence with her Pokemon. Her hair was pink, and she wore a blue, black, and orange outfit with gloves. The outfit was made for gym workouts.


    “For the professor,” she said. Alex took the parcel, carefully, with both hands. It was a challenge making it to the laboratory from the house with its weight. It took almost all of his strength to set it down gently. No wonder she brought along Machoke, he thought. What could be in it? The professor noticed that Alex had taken in quite the load, and went over to the bulky package. He noticed a note on the top of the parcel saying to handle with care and to give it to the nearest archeologist. Apparently, it was a fragile artifact of great interest to the agencies. Rowan heeded the note, and attached a note on the top that said: Forwarded to Miles Mason. Handle with care. Miles Mason was a nearby archeologist with 10 years of experience. “Son, could you wake up your Machamp? I’m sure it’s gotten plenty of sleep,” the professor requested. “I’m on it,” Alex replied. He then went up to his house, then to his storage room.


    Alex grabbed his backpack, which had his Pokeballs in it. Pokeballs are round objects with a button at a certain spot. There was a line around it, with the design above it being a red color and below, white. He picked the one with Machamp in it and sent it out quietly. “Machamp champ,” the Pokemon said. It was about 6 feet tall, with four arms and two feet. Mostly a light blue in color, it was muscular and could send 1000 punches within a second. It also had enough strength to hurl another of its kind over the horizon. It also wears a belt around its waist. However, it also likes to help out humans with heavy jobs, just like its pre-evolution, Machoke. Alex fed Machamp some Pokefood which it chowed down like a wolf. He let out his other Pokemon and fed them some food as well.


    Alex led Machamp to the laboratory and had it lift up the parcel, which it handled with care. Alex then took the bulky package and led it outside since both Machamp and the parcel could not fit through the door together, but Alex and the parcel barely could. When Machamp got through the door, Alex and his Machamp began their long walk to Miles Mason’s house.


    Meanwhile…
    Professor Oak was sitting on the patio of his house, listening to the chirping bird Pokemon. The patio had been decorated with dinner chairs and a dinner table, a beach chair, a rocking chair, and a comfortable couch. The wood had been polished and there were flowers on the columns that held up the awning. Professor Oak was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and Route 66 jeans, with Sketchers shoes. His hair was brown, and he had a brown beard and blue eyes. His build was average, and he was about 49 years old. He wondered if his package made it to Prof. Rowan’s house. The artifact had to be delivered to an expert in archeology. This could very well be the discovery of a sacred statue belonging to ancient civilizations.



    ~Author’s Note~
    Well, sweet! I finally have Microsoft Word! It’s only a trial though.
    So, an artifact has been delivered to the Rowan estate for delivery to any nearby archeologist. Could this have to do with the events in the prologue? We’ll find out soon enough.
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    Default Next chapter

    Chapter 3

    Later that night…


    Alex and his Machamp arrived at Miles Mason’s estate just at the time dusk settled in. The stars and moon illuminated the countryside, with its rolling green hills and tall mountains, in Floaroma Town. Miles Mason’s home was right next to the Pok&#233;mon center in the town. It was made of red bricks and a white roof with a balcony on the second floor. It was only a two-story home, but it had plenty of room. The door had one window only and was a simple, flat design. It wasn’t the most attractive of homes, but it seemed to have “welcome” written all over it for some reason Alex couldn’t explain.


    Alex stepped forward to the door and knocked on it. “Come in,” a man’s voice replied. Alex opened the door and stepped in. The interior of the house appeared cozy. There was a tan couch in a living room next to brown rocking chairs and a few reading lamps. There was a cozy rug made of wool on the floor in front of the couch, and an HD television on the wall above a DVD player and a satellite receiver. Nothing was turned on except for the reading lamps and a ceiling fan.


    “Mr. Mason, I have a package my dad wants you to look at for a little bit,” Alex said. He motioned for Machamp to set the package down, and it did so. Alex and his Pok&#233;mon companion had been tired from making such a long journey. They needed a rest, and Miles let them lay down in his bedroom upstairs. The bedroom had a two king beds and reading lamps to go with them. The carpet was white, but looked yellow in the lamp’s light. Machamp went into its Pok&#233;ball when Alex held it up. “You deserve a rest, buddy,” he assured. He yawned and then went to bed.


    Meanwhile…


    Team Darkness was assembling at their base tonight for the first time. Their base looked like you could pull it from a sci-fi movie; doors opened by fingerprint identification and kiosks littered the corridors. The security cameras were hidden and could detect the slightest flinch. Some even had infrared vision. Hidden speakers were also placed about. Not only did it protect from intruders, but detect when team members were goofing off. There were guards armed with strong Pok&#233;mon on the outside perimeter and many rooms for the team members. The science laboratories had large tubes that came from the top to the bottom of the room. There were no laptop or desktop computers at the desks; the desks were the computers. They came fully loaded with a monitor, USB ports, a keyboard, and two speakers. There was even a mouse on the pad to the right. The computers had Windows Vista for their operating system. The base was built silently and discreetly in a government site off-limits to the public completely. Team Darkness was careful to put their base underground in the far reaches of the property to avoid detection. But since they were in grounds normally off-limits, they had to walk a long way underground to get out of the base if they needed to.


    The team commander Imsolaci (This name is a pun. Im- is a prefix meaning not, and Solaci comes from solar, thus, the nickname means no sun.) was planning to steal an ancient artifact with mysterious properties that would make it glow in some temples. Imsolaci suspected it would open Giratina’s temple. Giratina is an ancient Pok&#233;mon that lives in another dimension. Not much was known about it at the time. All Team Darkness knew was that it was very powerful and controlling it could very well mean having the ability to rule the world. Imsolaci got on his radio. “Joe. Get the experimental equipment to Lab 115. Thank you.” The message radioed all over the base.




    ~Author’s Note~
    Wow, what is Team Darkness doing? Is Miles Mason going to look at the package? Read the next chapter to find out!

    EDIT: Holy toledo my fiftieth post.
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    Post Next chapter

    -Chapter 4-

    Later that night…


    Alex had only been asleep for three hours when he heard a muffled explosion outside his window. Alex got up from bed and looked through the window to find the silhouette of a tall man walking around with hand grenades! He appeared to be testing them under dense layers of soil, which explained the muffled sound. Alex kept watching quietly, without making a movement. The man set up some kind of equipment near a tree and left hastily with his equipment. What he was doing, Alex did not know. All he knew was that he was someone doing wrong and had to be stopped.

    Meanwhile…


    Night shifts were overkill.
    Jason Andrews walked down the corridors of the first floor of a business building. Jason was wearing a standard business shirt and clip-on tie with Route 66 jeans. He had blue eyes and black hair styled in a short cut. The walls of the building were white, made of tough cement with white wood doors without windows every now and then. The tiles alternated between grey and white in a checkers fashion. The business called itself Silph Co., which were famous for making a variety of products for Pokémon trainers. They recently began making a new product that was supposed to rival the Pokétch. The Pokétch was a digital watch with many applications you could get from other sources, made for Pokémon trainers. It was not made by Silph Co., but it was one of the most popular products in all of Sinnoh.


    Jason Andrews was here for a different reason, however. He wasn’t to help with the new product; Silph Co. agreed to give him information about the location of the Temple of the Ancients, which is supposedly located in Mt. Coronet. They had an agreement for Jason to get his information in exchange for a few days of volunteer work because Silph was low on night workers and needed a few more workers, but a volunteer was better than nothing. Jason thought it wouldn’t be a problem. But since he wasn’t one who maintained good energy levels in the nighttime, night shifts were hard on him. He often fell asleep mid-shift. This job was not his favorite job, but at least no one broke in the whole time he was doing a volunteer hall monitoring job.


    This was his last night, and he already had his information. His shift was almost over, so he decided to go into his office for a brief moment to send his information to the company he truly worked for: Thunderbird Corporation. Thunderbird Corporation was an agency in Sinnoh that was the head of archeology, paleontology, and biology and almost every other field of the sort. They recently took interest in an artifact dug up in the Sinnoh mountain range and sent it to Kanto in hopes that an experienced archeologist would study it. No one took up the offer, so it was sent back to Sinnoh and picked up by a Pokémon professor. Wow, he thought to himself, no one has looked at it yet for almost a month? This could be a difficult project.


    Since his shift was now over, he went to the front office and finished up.


    Meanwhile…


    Mark Jacobson was fishing in Lake Verity from the shores in the night. Lake Verity was a clear lake with a small island in the middle, with shores surrounded by trees. The leaves were changing color for it was autumn. Mark was using an old fishing rod that was still sturdy. It was black with silver rings and an old reel that surprisingly still worked. Mark was fishing for water type Pokémon when he got a big tug on the fishing rod. “Jolene, I’ve got a big one ‘ere! Get ready!”


    ~Author’s Note~
    Hmm. What kind of info has Jason gathered? What did Mark get and what does it have to do with the current problem? Who’s the mysterious man? Find out in the next chapter! (maybe)

    EDIT:Wow, I really need more readers... I'm giving this thread a few weeks before I post a new chapter...
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  6. #6
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    This is a great story, but you have a few errors. Most are just me being technical

    Alex got up from bed
    Pronouns = friendly friends. He got up from bed.

    which explained the muffled sound.
    Muffled sound? First you say it was an explosion, now you say it was muffled. Needs rewording.

    without making a movement.
    Without making the slightest of movements. Again, needs rewording.

    The man set up some kind of equipment near a tree and left hastily with his equipment.
    Um, this is really confusing. He carefully sets up equipment near a tree, and then takes it apart and leaves? Explain.

    All he knew was that he was someone doing wrong and had to be stopped.
    I know what you are trying to say, but when it is written like this, it sounds like:
    All Alex knew was that Alex was doing something wrong and had to be stopped.

    Consider something like:
    All he knew was that the strange man was doing something that wasn't right, and definitely had to be stopped.

    Meanwhile


    Night
    Mm, this should be:
    Meanwhile, someone thought to himself, "Night shifts were overkill.

    wearing a standard business shirt and clip-on tie with Route 66 jeans.
    This says that the clip-on the was wearing jeans. How about:
    ...wearing a standard ______-colored business shirt with a clip on tie, and Route 66 jeans.
    This makes more sense, because it kind of says the shirt is wearing a tie... which it technically is.

    The walls of the building were white, made of tough cement
    Unimportant stuff, nya!

    The business called itself Silph Co., which were
    Confusing. This is like saying "The man called himself Bob, who was..." It doesn't work. How about:
    The corporation--which was known as Silph Co.--was famous for...

    The Pokétch was a digital watch with many applications you could get from other sources, made for Pokémon trainers.
    More unimportant stuff, nyaaaa! You never explained about their product, either.

    volunteer work_because Silph
    _ means insert comma here.

    No one took up the offer, so it was sent back to Sinnoh and picked up by a Pokémon professor.
    Off-topic, unimportant, nya.

    Since his shift was now over, he went to the front office and finished up.
    Remove the "now," add "After a few minutes/hours/______s. Change the comma to a semicolon.

    Meanwhile


    Mark Jacobson
    Meanwhile, Mark...

    Lake Verity was a clear lake with a small island in the middle, with shores surrounded by trees.
    You're saying the island had shores surrounded by trees.



    Overall, I'd say your main problems are that you go off onto unimportant things. Also, remember this:

    We bought a chair from a man with wooden legs.
    The chair had the wooden legs, but... You get the point.


    ~SALP
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    YAAY!

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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by s_a_l_poke View Post
    This is a great story, but you have a few errors. Most are just me being technical



    Pronouns = friendly friends. He got up from bed.



    Muffled sound? First you say it was an explosion, now you say it was muffled. Needs rewording.



    Without making the slightest of movements. Again, needs rewording.



    Um, this is really confusing. He carefully sets up equipment near a tree, and then takes it apart and leaves? Explain.



    I know what you are trying to say, but when it is written like this, it sounds like:
    All Alex knew was that Alex was doing something wrong and had to be stopped.

    Consider something like:
    All he knew was that the strange man was doing something that wasn't right, and definitely had to be stopped.



    Mm, this should be:
    Meanwhile, someone thought to himself, "Night shifts were overkill.



    This says that the clip-on the was wearing jeans. How about:
    ...wearing a standard ______-colored business shirt with a clip on tie, and Route 66 jeans.
    This makes more sense, because it kind of says the shirt is wearing a tie... which it technically is.



    Unimportant stuff, nya!



    Confusing. This is like saying "The man called himself Bob, who was..." It doesn't work. How about:
    The corporation--which was known as Silph Co.--was famous for...



    More unimportant stuff, nyaaaa! You never explained about their product, either.



    _ means insert comma here.



    Off-topic, unimportant, nya.



    Remove the "now," add "After a few minutes/hours/______s. Change the comma to a semicolon.



    Meanwhile, Mark...



    You're saying the island had shores surrounded by trees.



    Overall, I'd say your main problems are that you go off onto unimportant things. Also, remember this:



    The chair had the wooden legs, but... You get the point.


    ~SALP

    Mmk wow I try to describe stuff and it's always something wrong, I take up the suggestion of applying description to as much as I can and then I overdo it. Also, "Since his night shift was now over, he went to the front office and finished up" is okay and with your suggestion it would be good but you misplaced it. It would look like:
    Since his night shift was after a few minutes over, he went to the front office and finished up.
    Where is a semicolon needed? @_@
    Should be:
    After a few minutes, his night shift was over; he went to the front office and finished up.
    NOW your semicolon suggestion makes sense. This what you mean? Sometimes you have to be careful with your wording. Otherwise okay gotcha.
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