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Thread: Maggots of Society [Journey Fic - R]

  1. #1
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    Exclamation Maggots of Society [Journey Fic - R]

    Author’s Notes: Happy 4th of July, everybody! =D

    Yeah, I tried my hand at writing a journey fic. Hopefully, I didn’t screw up too badly. XD

    Rated R for good reason.
    Violence and extremely disturbing themes abound.

    °Chapter Index°
    Prologue: The Perfect Dream
    Chapter One: The Imperfect Past


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    Now, without further comment...

    Maggots of Society

    Prologue: The Perfect Dream

    Andrew Morton woke up with plenty of time to spare the day he had to get his first Pokemon.

    He was up before the first rays of sunlight penetrated the gloom of night, way up before that awful Dodrio screeched its usual morning greeting, and most definitely up before his annoying Pokeball-shaped alarm clock started beeping.

    Yes, Andrew had meticulously planned to the last insignificant detail for many long weeks beforehand how this glorious day would turn out. After all, he needed to be at top of his game in order to completely destroy everyone’s hopes of ever becoming successful Pokemon trainers. But most importantly, he craved with an almost sickening and desperate fervor for Professor Oak’s approval.

    Appearances were everything in this image-driven world, and Andrew was confident that he would make an excellent and long-lasting impression on Professor Oak. He had practiced in front of his mirror religiously each and every day; from the best way to compliment the professor’s pristine lab coat, to the perfect timing on when to laugh at his reused, unfunny jokes. He had cultivated his perfectly hypocritical image with loving care, and had been especially cautious that his true personality wouldn’t crack his beautiful, deceitful mask.

    Andrew picked up his backpack which he had packed many days ago with all the essentials for his journey, and headed downstairs.

    Hoping against hope that the thing was still sleeping, he tiptoed down the mahogany staircase. With each careful step, he made sure to pause to listen for any suspicious noises. Hearing none, he continued his descent. Just when he thought he was free at last, all his hopes were dashed once he saw it at the foot of the stairs.

    His mother.

    “Hi, sweetie!” she greeted him in an annoyingly high, sing-song voice. She was wearing a loosely fit red dress that practically consumed her small frame and had her hair up in a messy bun. It was a truly nauseating sight.

    No matter how many times he saw her, his extreme loathing pumped through his veins, poisoning his very heart. Andrew bit his inner cheek, not wanting to lash out and ruin everything. He focused on his throbbing pain on the inside of his mouth, the metallic taste of his own blood, anything than to see into the eyes of the despicable woman who was beaming fondly at him. But even as he faced this mental ordeal, a voice at the very back of his mind reproached him harshly. All those long years of carefully honing his guise would utterly go to waste if he couldn’t even deceive this monster into believing he was a normal, little boy who loved her back.

    With this in mind, but cringing inwardly, he answered sweetly, “Hi, Mom!”

    “Come on, I made breakfast!” she said happily, taking his hand.

    Andrew followed her reluctantly, his fake grin still painfully plastered on his face.

    Once they were inside the kitchen, Andrew noted bemusedly the large quantity of food laid out in the table. He sat down, losing all of his appetite on the spot.

    “I know you’ll become a wonderful Pokemon Master. Just be careful out there,” his mother cautioned, frying some bacon.

    Andrew stared at her blankly with his deep, brown eyes but said nothing. Deep down, he knew his mother was a well-meaning, kind person who was proud of him and honestly wanted the best for him.

    And yet that didn’t matter.

    He still wanted her dead.

    She was also a silly, foolish woman who completely underestimated his full potential and never failed to point it out every single day. If she somehow thought that there was a slight possibility that he would fail at becoming a Pokemon Master, then she was far more idiotic than he had imagined.

    Entertaining himself with a fantasy of his mother pleading for mercy as he systematically pulled her nails off one by one with a plier, Andrew was able to keep his composure and smile naturally back at her.

    “I can’t believe you’re already leaving on your Pokemon journey,” she mused out loud, dumping the shriveled bacon on his plate. “I’m sure you’ll do well.”

    Andrew grunted in reply, looking down morosely at his piece of burnt bacon. He was pretty much used to the outpouring of praise from practically everyone he had ever met, thanks to his deceiving persona, so a loving compliment from this devoted individual didn’t mean anything to him by this point. He only sought Professor Oak’s undying admiration; everything and everyone else was merely secondary.

    Lost in his own thoughts, Andrew was completely caught off-guard when his mother wrapped her arms around him, pulling her only son into a warm, tender embrace; Andrew squirmed uncomfortably in her grasp, restraining the urge to savagely stab her with the butter knife.

    “I love you so much,” she said softly, completely oblivious that her blatant display of emotion was only fueling Andrew’s dangerous hatred even more.

    “I… love you, too,” he lied smoothly, fighting down the nausea that was bubbling at the pit of his stomach.

    To his immense relief, she finally let go of her death grip. She ruffled his black hair affectionately and kissed his cheek before turning to open the fridge. Once her back was turned, he wiped her cheap lipstick marking off his cheek with his napkin. Slightly scowling, he resumed eating his breakfast, but not before furiously cursing his mother under his breath. If Professor Oak had seen that ugly thing, his grand entrance would’ve been completely ruined.

    Once he finished, he thanked his mother insincerely for the ‘marvelous breakfast’, and hurried out the front door. Maybe if he was quick enough, he wouldn’t have to say good-bye…

    “Bye, Andy! Take care!” his mother shouted tearfully, waving a white handkerchief in the air.

    “Bye,” Andrew replied with as much sadness as he could inject into his voice, hiding his euphoria at leaving his wretched home forever.

    It was still dark out, but this is exactly what he wanted; he couldn’t let other pathetic ten-year olds beat him in getting the best Pokemon nor greeting Professor Oak first thing in the morning.

    After a long, chilly walk, he finally arrived at the laboratory. With baited breath, he entered the sliding doors, looking expectantly in the crowd for his teacher. Almost immediately, one of the Professor’s aides came up to him, wringing his hands.

    “The Professor is running some important errands, but will be right back. Why don’t you wait for him?” the aide suggested good-naturedly.

    Repressing a shudder once he saw the man’s greasy, pimply complexion and idly wondering why his hero worked with scum, he beamed.

    “I have no problem with that,” he answered politely, knowing full well that he needed to be nice to the Professor’s lackeys.

    Andrew made himself comfortable in one of the chairs; he folded his hands over his lap, and made sure to have his back perfectly straight, preparing to wait for him.

    Every second that passed without Professor Oak by his side seemed like a year that stretched on everlastingly onto the next; his face ached painfully with the effort to keep up his charming smile; but he kept at it, confident that all his effort would pay off in the end.

    When he heard heavy footsteps by the entrance, he turned eagerly.

    “Yes, Professor?” he answered sycophantically, but his happy façade slightly fell once he realized it wasn’t his adored idol that had finally arrived.

    Andrew didn’t recognize the tall, bedraggled teenager slumped over the doorway who stared at him with a terrible mixture of horror and pity. Covered from head to toe in soot, sweat and blood, he was appallingly out of place in the spotless laboratory. His matted, grimy hair partially hid his astonishingly blue eyes, and his nondescript clothing was muddy and ripped in several places.

    When the stranger took a step closer to him, Andrew’s heart began to race.

    “There’s no one here, Andy,” the stranger whispered gravely in a hoarse voice, his pale face aghast.

    Andrew raised his eyebrows in polite skepticism, forgetting his fear for a minute, wondering if the guy was delusional. “What do you mean? The professor’s aides are just right over there.” He pointed straight at the group of scientists who were diligently working in their respective tasks. Once they heard him, they all stopped to mechanically smile in unison; Andrew flashed one of his perfect smiles in return, his erratic heart easing slightly.

    The outsider shook his head, his disheveled brown hair hanging limply over his heavily-scarred face.

    “Andrew…” the teenager began, but his strength seemed to falter mid-sentence. Once he regained his valor, he looked straight at him with startling, sad blue eyes.

    “Everyone’s dead.”

    It took several long seconds for Andrew to fully comprehend his words, and yet, he shook his head defiantly.

    “No… that’s not true,” he remarked off-handedly, laughing it off. “Right, guys?”

    When he turned around, the sight that greeted him was distinctly, and horrifyingly, different from a moment ago. Pieces of broken glass littered all over the floor, reflecting the silvery glow of moonlight that spilled from a broken window high above. Wrecked machinery sparked ominously, now mere scraps of twisted metal contorted in menacing shapes.

    “Guys…?”

    Andrew could make out the unmistakable shapes of Pokemon amongst the carnage; a Spearow’s decapitated head hidden behind an overturned table, a Jigglypuff oozing a strong, yellow liquid from its purplish innards, and what looked like a severely disfigured Mankey, its limbs bent disgustingly as jutted bones poked out in different directions.

    And then Andrew saw him.

    He made his way through the massacre, almost in a trance-like daze, as he approached his old mentor. Professor Oak was sprawled on his back, his body strangely frail and almost childlike in death. His eyes – those same eyes that had always seemed to hold immeasurable wisdom – were now open wide in unimaginable terror, a petrified expression forever etched on his face. His once spotless lab coat was slashed into shreds, revealing numerous crimson orifices underneath. Andrew bent almost reverently over his fallen hero, gently placing his dark hands over the fresh stab wounds; his blood was still warm.

    Andrew screamed – a high, agonizing howl full of pain that seemed wrenched out from the very depths of his soul. He collapsed, his knees buckling beneath him. It was in this very moment – curled up among the grime of the dead, his cry still reverberating off the cracked walls – that Andrew began to remember. His failed, imaginary world soon dissipated only to be replaced with flashing images of the true reality: a pile of fetid bodies rotting below the sweltering glare of the scorching sun, an entire city burning under a crimson sky, the blank gaze of a little boy, and a beautiful, young woman smiling serenely amongst the chaos…

    That woman…

    In his crushing despair, he only managed to choke out one word through his wails.

    Her.”

    This stranger, Jason, nodded somberly, his haunted blue eyes alight with an all-consuming, powerful hatred. “Her.”

    “She was the one to-to-to…” Andrew couldn’t continue; Jason placed a consoling hand on his back and nodded.

    “What do we do?” Andrew said hysterically, his large, brown eyes shining with tears. He grabbed onto his best friend’s tattered collar with shaking, bloodstained hands. “What the fuck do we do now, Jason?” he almost shouted, his thin chest heaving agitatedly with each panicked intake of breath.

    “You know what we have to do,” Jason said incredulously, ignoring Andrew’s strong hold on him. “You’ve known all along.”

    Andrew let go of his ragged shirt, covering his face with his blood-drenched hands, as his lanky frame shook from the force of his sobs.

    In one swift gesture, Jason pulled out a gleaming pistol from his faded coat, and handed it to Andrew, who looked positively terrified. The gun in Andrew’s grasp trembled violently, and his dark face was still wet and glistening with tears, but the next words he spoke to Jason had an astounding determination that he thought would never say.

    “Let’s do it.”

    ***********

    So err, how was it? I hope someone enjoyed it. Regardless of whether you liked it or not, please do review if you have read this. Thank you!
    Last edited by Burnt Flower; 20th July 2008 at 8:13 PM.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  2. #2

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    “Andrew…” the teenager began, but his strength seemed to falter mid-sentence. Once he regained his valor, he looked straight at him with startling, sad blue eyes.

    “Everyone’s dead.”
    At first I thought Andrew said the second part.

    Anyway, how does Andrew know Jason's name if he's a stranger?

  3. #3
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    YES! I've been looking forward to this ever since the preview.
    And it was definitely worth the wait. Everything was perfect! No grammar mistakes, good pacing, good length. I was engrossed from the first sentence. I like how you twisted around the standard "Wakes up late, mom gives breakfast, etc., etc.," and you did the whole hallucination bit quite well, it caught me by surprise. I'm guessing that her is the girl from the preview, right? Andrew seemed to have some problems of his own, too, considering he wanted to stab his mother with a butter knife!
    Very well done, I can't wait for the first chapter!

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    Whoa! That was good, I believe that this following quote described Andrew well.

    He had cultivated his perfectly hypocritical image with loving care, and had been especially cautious that his true personality wouldn’t crack his beautiful, deceitful mask.
    Also, I thought this part was good to show how evil Andrew truly is.

    Andrew was completely caught off-guard when his mother wrapped her arms around him, pulling her only son into a warm, tender embrace; Andrew squirmed uncomfortably in her grasp, restraining the urge to savagely stab her with the butter knife.
    But what I don't get, why is Andrew so evil?

    Also, I liked how you spelled façade with the cedilla because usually people forget that nowadays.

    Also, I'm guessing "her" would be the girl from the preview that was coocoo in the cachoo xD


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  5. #5
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    oRaNgE~1337: Damn, I forgot to add that detail; I'll edit it tomorrow morning. XD They're best friends. Thanks for reminding me.

    FIRST REVIEWER! CONGRATULATIONS!

    Smunkie: Oh yeah, Andrew is just as screwed up as Claire...well, kind of. XD And I'm glad you enjoyed it; I was worried people would be bored halfway through or something. A million thanks for the review! *hugs*

    Ventus3: That was one of my favorite quotes I wrote, and yes, it describes Andrew in a nutshell. :3 And I can't reveal why Andrew is so evil just now...heh, but it'll be revealed later on. Haha, coocoo in the cachoo. Tha made me laugh XDDDDDD Thank you for reviewing Ventus! *huggles*

    Do you guys want to be in the PM list?
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


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    You know your fic is good if it killed PC. I read it over there, and wanted to respond, but the forums exploded. Must you kill everything? XD

    This was a chilling start to a journey fic. You had nothing to worry about. From the line where you called the Pokemon world an "image-driven world", you had me.

    My favorite part definitely has to be when Andrew realizes that Oak is dead, and he cries out. But I also enjoyed when he wanted to stab his mother with a butter knife.

    I can't wait for the next part of this. Excellent job, Burnt Flower.

  7. #7
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    Okay, before I spill my guts out to you, here are some highlights:

    He was up before the first rays of sunlight penetrated the gloom of night, way up before that awful Dodrio screeched its usual morning greeting, and most definitely up before his annoying Pokeball-shaped alarm clock started beeping.
    Everything Ash wasn't. Makes me smile. :3
    Just when he thought he was free at last, all his hopes were dashed once he saw it at the foot of the stairs.

    His mother.
    LOLZ. I love that you refer to her as "it" and "that monster." XD
    No matter how many times he saw her, his extreme loathing pumped through his veins, poisoning his very heart.
    That's how I would describe myself when looking at my own mother sometimes. XD

    Entertaining himself with a fantasy of his mother pleading for mercy as he systematically pulled her nails off one by one with a plier, Andrew was able to keep his composure and smile naturally back at her.
    I am laughing so hard right now. XD This is like a Tarantino movie already.

    He only sought Professor Oak’s undying admiration; everything and everyone else was merely secondary.
    I'm glad there's someone else out there who values Professor Oak as a character. Dx

    Repressing a shudder once he saw the man’s greasy, pimply complexion and idly wondering why his hero worked with scum, he beamed.

    “I have no problem with that,” he answered politely, knowing full well that he needed to be nice to the Professor’s lackeys.
    Professor Oak's assistant "lackeys"? This is a great persona you've created. So vitriolic and scathing.<333

    “Andrew…” the teenager began, but his strength seemed to falter mid-sentence. Once he regained his valor, he looked straight at him with startling, sad blue eyes.

    “Everyone’s dead.”

    It took several long seconds for Andrew to fully comprehend his words, and yet, he shook his head defiantly.

    “No… that’s not true,” he remarked off-handedly, laughing it off. “Right, guys?”

    When he turned around, the sight that greeted him was distinctly, and horrifyingly, different from a moment ago. Pieces of broken glass littered all over the floor, reflecting the silvery glow of moonlight that spilled from a broken window high above. Wrecked machinery sparked ominously, now mere scraps of twisted metal contorted in menacing shapes.

    “Guys…?”

    Andrew could make out the unmistakable shapes of Pokemon amongst the carnage; a Spearow’s decapitated head hidden behind an overturned table, a Jigglypuff oozing a strong, yellow liquid from its purplish innards, and what looked like a severely disfigured Mankey, its limbs bent disgustingly as jutted bones poked out in different directions.

    And then Andrew saw him.

    He made his way through the massacre, almost in a trance-like daze, as he approached his old mentor. Professor Oak was sprawled on his back, his body strangely frail and almost childlike in death. His eyes – those same eyes that had always seemed to hold immeasurable wisdom – were now open wide in unimaginable terror, a petrified expression forever etched on his face. His once spotless lab coat was slashed into shreds, revealing numerous crimson orifices underneath. Andrew bent almost reverently over his fallen hero, gently placing his dark hands over the fresh stab wounds; his blood was still warm.
    Holy ****ing sh*t. Hooooly sh*t.

    Okay, so I'm kind of confused. And astounded. And grossed-out. But loving it all at once. @___@

    Was Andrew revisiting the lab some time after this massacre when it jogged his memory, or was the massacre very recent? The timeline gets screwed up with me there. ><; I just assume that if fresh corpses are everywhere that someone might have noticed some chick come in and slaughter them all. xD

    Holy sh*t, a damn good read. @___@ I am sooo anticipating the next chapter. *subscribes*

  8. #8
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    Oh dear, you have to post this on the greatest day in American history. The horror! =O

    Anyways, quite like this. I love how you actually have the fic start off differently, mainly everyone in the lab massacred. O.o Also, like everyone else, that girl might've been Claire. Maybe Chapter One will put how she came to the lab and killed everyone?

    There's one thing, though. Even though I'm amused of how Andrew didn't like his mom, at the same time I'm wondering what would make him think like that. I think I missed something though? ^^; If I'm right on that though, I assume that explaination will come later.

    Anyways, already to an exciting start and can't wait for the next chappie. ^^


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  9. #9
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    AUTO-WIN!!!!!

    lololololololololololol

    I LOVED it! It chilled my blood. The description was perfect, not too much, not too little.

    A seemingly perfect piece of work.

    But wait. What is this...

    Quote Originally Posted by Burnt Flower
    After a long, chilly walk, he finally arrived at the laboratory. With baited breath, he entered the sliding doors, looking expectantly in the crowd for his teacher. Almost immediately, one of the Professor’s aides came up to him, wringing his hands.
    Shouldn't it be bated?

    Anyways, I loved it. Put me on the PM list please.

    P.S. I suck at giving reviews XD
    Last edited by poke poke; 5th July 2008 at 6:38 PM.

  10. #10
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    Well. This is quite mysterious, to say the very least. I can't say I have much of a clue what really happened - just how much of all of it was Andrew reimagining things how he wished they were (I'm leaning towards everything up to the point where Jason pointed it out, with his 'mother' not actually being his mom at all but 'that woman', in some sort of messed-up attempt to squeeze the tragedy into a mundane everyday setting in his mind), for instance.

    I'm also curious to see how Claire comes into it. I also have the theory that she might be 'that woman', and possibly even the 'mother' too if we go into that although it's a bit of a stretch.

    There were a couple of places where I had to reread a sentence to get it properly; "way up" near the beginning, for instance, I momentarily thought referred to height because I don't generally think that kind of wording is used for time, although I might be mistaken. Otherwise, Andrew's animosity towards his mother seemed quite bizarre if she actually is his mother, but since we don't know just how warped his vision at the beginning was, I don't really know.

    It was definitely an interesting opening, at least. :3

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  11. #11
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    It's been too long.

    But I do believe the common theme of disturbingly entrancing horror-tragedy is coming around again.

    Thei personality of our Andrew made me smile, as did that of Claire in the preview, perhaps even more than the anti-cliché of the fantasized scene. It is difficult to get much out of him given the information we have. The dodrio, the alarum clock, the affectionate mother with the hearty breakfast, the general system of having professors give out starter pokémon, could easily be a representation of a 'perfect memory' fabricated by Andrew so as to relive perhaps some earlier and happier time with more nostalgic joy than the time itself had given him. However, the fact that it is indeed an anti-cliché and that the trivial but possibly dear themes which each of those events are meant to be representing (sleeping late being the comical mistake of an overenthusiastic and inexperienced rookie, the dodrio and the breakfast creating the ambiance of sweet home, the mother of course being a mother, which is all I'll say about her) seem to pass over Andrew, mean nothing to him but possibly impediments and annoyances. This suggests that he is being faithful to the original memory, that his screwed mind if not screwed surroundings were in fact prevalent even back then, and even this not-quite-perfect memory is preferable to the truth. (Of course, each annoyance could simply represent a suffering in the real world, eg. as has been said the mother connected to that "woman".)

    ... This concludes my analysis for today. I was meaning to critique, but the task of finding errors is beyond me.

    EDIT: Oh, and I want in on the PM list.

  12. #12
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    Well, I woke up this morning after having been forced to get off the computer as early as 11 last night because of thunderstorm power outages and me being temporarily without a laptop. So I stumbled to the computer first thing, loaded up the main fanfic page and in scanning the top of the list, was surprised to see that you had posted this.

    So I clicked it and read the first few sentences. Then the last few sentences (Yes, I DO THIS. *_*) and was pleased to see that doing so confused me rather than spoiled me to anything. Then I read the reviews.

    Then I went downstairs, grabbed an egg muffin and a chocolate milk as reading snacks and came back up to dive into the first chapter. :3


    Yes my reviews will always contain a pointless account of the conditions in which I found myself reading said fic. It's not just with when I read your stuff.
    Silverwing: Sigghhhh....just get to, y'know, the actual review?


    Well, I notice this is the prologue, so I'm assuming this Andrew isn't our main character...or maybe he is, and this is just in the past, or similar since it's like a hallucination. But now I'm wondering how the actual chain of events will go in the storyline.

    And while I can't very much say I liked Andrew (I'm never one much for the, uh, sociopathic type of characters x3) I was notably intrigued by him. I liked him a lot at the end part though, and I really wanna know what that whole setting has to say for his past.

    Oh, and I love the fact that you put "[Journey Fic - R]" in the thread title, as if to say "Bwahahaha, fear the cliche-breaking!" >3

    Deep down I've always wanted to try writing horror, but every time I try, it mutates into drama again. xP

    He was pretty much used to the outpouring of praise from practically everyone he had ever met, thanks to his deceiving persona, so a loving compliment from this devoted individual didn’t mean anything to him by this point.
    o_o; Damn it...that paragraph reminded me a lot of this one argument I had with my mom where--ah, er...nevermind. ^^;;;
    Andrew didn’t recognize the tall, bedraggled teenager slumped over the doorway who stared at him with a terrible mixture of horror and pity. Covered from head to toe in soot, sweat and blood, he was appallingly out of place in the spotless laboratory. His matted, grimy hair partially hid his astonishingly blue eyes, and his nondescript clothing was muddy and ripped in several places.
    Humm...so, I notice that Jason is a teenager, which either means that he's just well, older than Andrew, or that the timeline is...either this morning did not exist in reality and was an idealization or dream, or if it did happen, was even further back in the past than the horrific things that happened to them. Or...something.

    Aaaaand...hm...I dunno what else to say...blah, oh well. Take care! xP

    ~Chibi~


    Ever wondered what would happen if humans had the power to overthrow the Legendaries? To either use them for their own ends, or eliminate them altogether? One thing is for certain...the balance between human and Legendary is unstable.

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    8/30/12: CHAPTER 7: “Into the Fire” POSTED!!!
    Chapter 8 progress: 9/12 pages


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    Okay, I've just woken up...and man, the response has been overwhelming. I really love you all. <333333

    Hanako: Heeeeeey! *waves happily* I know, I'm happy that PC received my fic so warmly. :3 Yeah, that scene was also my favorite, though I also greatly enjoyed going into great depths into Andrew's mind. The Pokemon world is very image-driven, no? I loved writing that too. (; THANK YOU!

    CHeSHiRe-CaT: Hiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    YAY, QUOTES! I like it when people quote parts of my stories to see what they liked the most. :3

    Haha yes...Andrew is so VERY different from Ashy-boy. XD Andrew is one very disturbed, angry little boy, I can tell you that. (:

    The massacre was very recent seeing as when he touched Oak's body, he noted that 'his blood was still warm'. As for the witnesses...who knows if the person killed them off as well? *whistles innocently*

    Ack, I fear the next chapter won't be so good. D= I shall try my very best, though! *gives a million hugs*

    Bay: (Copy-pasted my reply from PC!) Yeah, I thought it would be a nice date to post my fic...I'm so weird. XDDD

    Actually, the chapter in which she kills everyone off will be a bit later on since this is the future....though the nice reviews almost convinced me of continuing the action. ^^; Oh no,the reason why he hates his mom so much will be revealed gradually as the fic goes on. :3 Thanks Bay! This means a lot. *gives cookies*

    poke poke: DARN! You caught me with a typo! *shakes fist* XDDD Thanks for the review - EVERY single one of them is very important to me. And you're added!

    Dragonfree: Dragonfree, I LOVE your interpretation! But let me say...you're both right and wrong...but you're pretty close. XD The answer as to why he hates his 'mom', will be explained in future chapters. And Claire has a HUGE role here...but you'll see. Hmm...you're right, I'm going to change 'way up' at the beginning. Do you have any alternative? Thanks for the review! =D

    Luphinid Silnaek: It has been a long time, hasn't it?

    Holy damn...you HIT one very important thing in your analysis. I'm not going to say what, but I'm very impressed. o.o *bows*

    Okay then, I shall add you!

    Chibi Pika: You read the last sentences first?! o_o That...might be a problem seeing as I'm very fond of ending chapters in a cliffhanger. XD This prologue is actually in the present (the future?) while subsequent chapters will explain what happened in the past, and then go back to the present. Or maybe I'm going to change the whole sequence of events. =P If you don't like sociopathic characters...you're going to have a lot of trouble reading Claire's future scenes. ^^; Well, there's always Jason since he isn't evil, but has issues of his own. But yeah, I wouldn't like meeting any of my characters in the street, that's for certain. D: It takes a certain skill to pull off drama, so be proud of your skills!

    Oh that last paragraph in your review was soooo close...you'll see!

    A million thanks, Chibi! And Silverwing!


    One VERY important note: People, if you want to be on the PM list, please say so like Luphinid and poke poke did. Otherwise I don't know who I'll add, and I don't want anyone annoyed that I'll be swarming their PM box! ;_;
    Last edited by Burnt Flower; 5th July 2008 at 9:40 PM.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  14. #14
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    Man, and I thought the preview was creepy. This was hand-and-shoulders above that.

    Andrew is quite the interesting young man. He's ten years-old and he's plotting ways to kill and torture his mother? Yikes. Some parts were slightly confusing, but nothing I couldn't follow. The description of the massacre was...well let's say if I was eating something (thank goodness I wasn't), I probably would've hurled. Normally I'm not into overly gross and disgusting, but for some reason it doesn't seem to bother me. I must have gotten used to it, I guess.

    I'll definitely keep reading. This is definitely gotten ahold of my interest. I'm working on a story (a preview is up in the Author's Cafe) which will include some violence and most likely some gross-out descriptions, so I'm definitely looking at this for ideas for descriptions.
    Last edited by PokemonHero; 5th July 2008 at 8:29 PM.

    Now being reposted!


  15. #15
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    PokemonHero: Could you please tell me which parts were confusing? It'd be a GREAT help for me. Haha, I'm just fond of writing gross and disgusting scenes, but I know some people aren't into that. Good to know that you didn't hurl nor were you bothered by my descriptions. XD

    And I'm glad you'll continue reading.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  16. #16
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    @Burnt Flower: yeah, I tried to write a horrid scene once. . . . I think I made myself wet my pants xD. Seriously though, I was drawn from the beggining, and I can't wait for chapter two to come out!


    Grazie, ci vediamo
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  17. #17
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    Near the beginning, I kept laughing and smiling, thinking 'I didn't know this was a comedy too!' Let's just say that all changed by the end. But I'll save that for the end of the review.

    First off, I lvoe Andrew's description, especially his idolization (is that a word?) of Oak. My favorite part was hwo you described him "religiously" practicing how to laugh at his unfunny jokes. XD

    When you first described "it," the first thought that came to mind was a fat, couch-potato father, so the spunky mother came as a bit of a surprise. Initially, I felt a little bad for her, seeing as how she tries so much and still fails, but by the time he left the house, you had me smiling once again.

    The lab scene... I am still very confused. But, I suppose we'll find out all about that in the next chapter, and I desperately hope that "that woman" isn't Andrew's mom. *glares at CHeSHiRe_CaT* I think I've had enough of that. :P jk

    Well, there's not much I can say that hasn't bee said already (I'm sure my entire review was probably nothing but a collection of other people's), so I'll end this tiny review here. I really look forward to Chapter Two.
    These tickets and passports will lead me home...
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  18. #18
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    Ventus3: Writing horror is lovely, isn't it? =P Actually, this is just the Prologue. What will be posted is Chapter One.

    Umbreon Ruler: Haha, I guess certain aspects can be found funny now that I think about it. XD Actually, what happened in the lab will be explained much later, but yes, eventually it'll be revealed. And congrats, you're the first person to mention Andrew's obsession of Professor Oak! *gives maggot* Oh no, don't feel TOO bad for the mother...that's all I'm saying. XD

    Oh and I'm still working on Chapter One. Thanks for the review! :P
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  19. #19
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    Oh, my God. I knew I was going to like the frelling frell frell out of this...

    First of all, what an awesomely disturbing character Andrew is. Actually, “disturbing” might be a bit of an understatement. X3 Terrific work on him. ^^

    Second, I love the way you handled the twist of everything not actually being the way the beginning of the prologue had led me to believe. I knew that I was in for something nice and twisted even before I first set a figurative foot into this thread, and reading about Andrew fortified my expectations—yet when the scene of what appeared to be (even with Andrew's dark and vicious personality thrown into the mix) a mostly normal trip to the lab to get a starter fell away and revealed all that carnage, it still succeeded in exceeding those expectations and surprising me. Very well done. ^^

    Other highlights:

    After all, he needed to be at top of his game in order to completely destroy everyone’s hopes of ever becoming successful Pokemon trainers.
    XD

    Hoping against hope that the thing was still sleeping, he tiptoed down the mahogany staircase. With each careful step, he made sure to pause to listen for any suspicious noises. Hearing none, he continued his descent. Just when he thought he was free at last, all his hopes were dashed once he saw it at the foot of the stairs.

    His mother.
    Andrew referring to her as a “thing” and as an “it”—wow. What a lovely sentiment on his part that was. X3

    Entertaining himself with a fantasy of his mother pleading for mercy as he systematically pulled her nails off one by one with a plier, Andrew was able to keep his composure and smile naturally back at her.
    WOW. o_o; Holy crap, that was a ****ed-up fantasy he was having there, even by my standards—and that is saying something. X3

    She ruffled his black hair affectionately and kissed his cheek before turning to open the fridge. Once her back was turned, he wiped her cheap lipstick marking off his cheek with his napkin.
    I liked the “cheap lipstick” detail. X3

    Andrew could make out the unmistakable shapes of Pokemon amongst the carnage; a Spearow’s decapitated head hidden behind an overturned table, a Jigglypuff oozing a strong, yellow liquid from its purplish innards, and what looked like a severely disfigured Mankey, its limbs bent disgustingly as jutted bones poked out in different directions.

    And then Andrew saw him.

    He made his way through the massacre, almost in a trance-like daze, as he approached his old mentor. Professor Oak was sprawled on his back, his body strangely frail and almost childlike in death. His eyes – those same eyes that had always seemed to hold immeasurable wisdom – were now open wide in unimaginable terror, a petrified expression forever etched on his face. His once spotless lab coat was slashed into shreds, revealing numerous crimson orifices underneath. Andrew bent almost reverently over his fallen hero, gently placing his dark hands over the fresh stab wounds; his blood was still warm.
    Wow. o_o That is some damned gruesome imagery, especially with regards to that Jigglypuff. Nicely done.


    Well, you've already got me hooked—do put me on that PM list, yes.
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  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Burnt Flower View Post
    If you don't like sociopathic characters...you're going to have a lot of trouble reading Claire's future scenes. ^^; Well, there's always Jason since he isn't evil, but has issues of his own. But yeah, I wouldn't like meeting any of my characters in the street, that's for certain. D:
    Heh, well you see, that's why I liked him in the end part because seeing why people get like that is what really intrigues me, even if I don't end up liking Claire. And it's funny you mentioned Jason because I actually thought to myself "I like him :D" and he was only in what...one page?

    ~Chibi~


    Ever wondered what would happen if humans had the power to overthrow the Legendaries? To either use them for their own ends, or eliminate them altogether? One thing is for certain...the balance between human and Legendary is unstable.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    8/30/12: CHAPTER 7: “Into the Fire” POSTED!!!
    Chapter 8 progress: 9/12 pages


  21. #21
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    When Andrew was first introduced, I was immediately told right there that he must be that boy everyone starts out in the older versions. I could be wrong, but the mother somehow made my opinion final. But this boy is very different from the optimistic, clichéd Trainer we all once were. His thoughts about hating his mother to the bone made me believe that he was going to be like Claire in the preview. Maybe I was wrong.

    The imagery of the mangled laboratory was wonderful. It somehow reminded me of the Cinnabar Island Lab incident for some-odd reason. I must've read wrong about tubes and glass tanks. *checks back* Yeah, I read it wrong. The disfigured Mankey made me think of failed experiments xD.

    My attention is now on this fic ever since I read the preview. I can tell the game series are now having a little twist in the plot. Ooh, macabre and horror...

    I'd like to be on the PMl list, please. I am so ready for the ride!

    *~* Kutie Pie *~*
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  22. #22
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    *jumps on bandwagon*

    I must say, looking at the responses to your fic, the fic's preview, and what-not, and also on other forums to boot, it seems that you are recieving the fanbase someone like, say, Mix had, only very early on it seems it's filled up already.

    And with good reason.

    It's certainly a different look on the ever-so-innocent world of Pokemon, and you did it rather well, using your dark style of writing for this fic. Rather enjoyable, and quite enjoyable to read - and I do like the funny aspects of this as well - dark humour well done indeed.

    Not much to critique thast hasn't already been covered... although I do feel that the last part felt a bit rushed and slightly confusing, but that's the only thing I can really say about this thus far. Otherwise, it's good - well written, nice (or not so nice, if you know what I mean) imagery, and I do look forward to more.

    SUPER-HYPER-MEGA-EDIT: - in repsonse to the review reply - well, firstly it was hinted at a bit too early - before he entered the lab or before the guy told him that they were all dead, I could tell right off that something was wrong - I guess you made it a bit too apparent too early. Could have used less 'hints' towards the event in the lead up to it, and the masacare itself was unexpected when I began to read the fic - maybe too much a contrast from the comedy-like beginning (I admit, he reminded me a bit of Tracey, with his admiration of Oak XD) to the not-so-bright imagery - although that probably is more due to me not reading much horror-type stories anyway though. The thought processes involving 'it's da woman!' and then to pull out a gun and hint towards what they may want to do with it... was too rapid as well after him finding out Oak is dead, IMO, too quick. Maybe extend that part some more, with a less-sudden decision... seemed that they arrived at this decision too easily and all.

    But others may disagree, if they don't like too much waiting around - is an opinion after all, but my two cents, nontheless.

    Here's hoping that the next chapter will be out soon before you drown in a pile of fans.
    Last edited by bobandbill; 6th July 2008 at 3:57 AM.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

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  23. #23

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    Great horror story! I'd like to find out more of Andrew's past to see why he's so evil. And it's a great twist to the typical happy trainer story, the images were disturbing but well created.
    Last edited by Krys; 6th July 2008 at 3:07 AM.

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    Sike Saner: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! Good to see you here!

    Andrew is one of my favorite characters to write about. I truly enjoyed writing his thoughts at the very beginning, especially his thoughts regarding his mother. XD But of course, the part where the hallucination fell away is my definite fave.

    The fantasy of him pulling off his mother's fingernails really emphasizes how damn screwed Andrew is. XP

    I feel kind of bad for that Jiglypuff...man, now I feel guilty. XD

    A THOUSAND THANKS SIKE FOR THE FANTASTIC REVIEW! /capslockforthewin

    Chibi Pika: If that's the case, then you won't be disappointed; I have an explanation as to how they became what they are. ^^

    Yeah Jason got little page...time...but he'll actually be the focus in the first chapter! :3

    Kutie Pie: Heh, Andrew and Claire are VERY different, and yet similar in a way. This is going to be a MAJOR plot point. Oh crap, I just revealed something away. XDDD
    Nah, no failed experiments there, it was just Oak's lab. =P Thanks muchly for your kind review! You'll be added to the PM list!

    bobandbill: Oh damn, now that you say that I've become more nervous, heh. But I must not think negatively about somehow screwing things up. I realllllly hope I live up to everyone's expectations; of course, I'm writing this for fun and I'm having fun, but I want to write coherent, interesting storyline as well. :3

    Oh no...I'll take that in mind to write things more clearly and not to rush so much. I also did this with my other one-shot. x_x Any pointers on how to slow things down?

    Anyway, thank you, bob, for your review! And for your review in my other one-shot as well. *gives cookie*

    Krys: Andrew's past will be explained in great detail, as well as everyone's background. Yeah, I wanted to twist the typical trainer story. XD

    THANKS!
    Last edited by Burnt Flower; 6th July 2008 at 3:27 AM.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  25. #25
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    I don't really know what to say about this but I'll surely be reading (can't promise it won't be a "closet" read however). It confused the hell out of me in a very good way. I know what went on it's just difficult to grasp what actually happened. I'll assume this was intentional as it certainly heightens the "wtf what's going on" sense you're supposed to get from horror stories.

    Of course, I could just be sadistic and love your descriptions of the massacre and torture techniques. I'll leave it for you to decide.

    And one last thing--if Andrew's mom is always like she was this chapter, I'd feel the same way about her Andrew does. Seems like she smothers him.

    Until next time,
    Kaizer
    Is all the innocence of once seen gone? Can it ever truly be recovered? Fighting to the end, will the shadows always overcome? Or will the flames of the past reclaim their lost goals?

    Still here, still a lurker; as always.

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