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Thread: Maggots of Society [Journey Fic - R]

  1. #26
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    Kaizer: It's fine, I'm sure there are some closet readers here already who haven't replied. XD Yeah the hallucination itself has a lot of clues to some plot points relating to Andrew, and yeah I made it a bit confusing on purpose. XD Though maybe I should've made some parts a bit clearer, I'll admit....

    His mom is a bit like that...but not truly. You'll see what I mean.

    Thanks for the review, Kaizer! *gives maggots*
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  2. #27
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    At last It's finally done;I've been anticipating it for a while.Andrew seems like a very interseting character.I liked how you showed his hatred for his mother by refering to her as 'It' or 'That monster' which adds a slight hint of backround.You also as well showed Andrews anticipation for meeteing Professor Oak in large amounts of detail;Thus making the story far easier to imagine,and a bit more realistic.I'm also very glad the story managed to live up to the intiguing preview you left us.The same as the preview it left some disturbing,gross,yet it somehow seems to fit.


    I too would like to be added to the PM list.Theres no way I'm missing a chapter of this great story!
    Please let me suck your blood <3

  3. #28
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    jeremyruano: Andrew is one of my favorite characters to write about since he's such an annoying hypocrite with an evil heart. XD And I'm overjoyed that you thought I wrote all his scenes with detail; I really wanted to be in his shoes and think like him. I usually try to do that with all my characters. :3 Haha, I like writing gross scenes. :P

    Annnnnnnnnnnnd added to the PM List!

    Thanks for your comments. ^^
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  4. #29
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    o.o;;

    *struggles* o.o

    That is what happens when you have a good fanfiction story. I am speechless. o.o;;

    That is one insanely creepy person, that old Andrew. xD This kind of reminds me of a horrifying journey of a typical trainer that just goes mad or insane or something. He gave me goosebumpbs once I started to read, which is relatively a great thing. I liked the entire concept of things; it is everything Ash's first day wasn't. And therefore, it makes it good. Very good. xD The details were on point and very easy to read, which made all the fun to enjoy (even though I am a description monster at heart, and I know a few scenes could have had that magical touch with a bit more detailing). I can't wait to see more of Claire, but now I am interested in this Andrew you have created. Such twisted human beings they are, yumm. :3
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

  5. #30
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    I FINALLY get to read this.

    First expression is this: @_@
    and then jawdrop and facepalms

    You just KO'd all those normal trainer starting their day kind of journeys and it just seems half-creepy with your prologue (Is he dreaming? Hallucination? High on crack/drug?) (wait, 10 years old can't take drugs in Kanto)

    Who is her that is referred to in the prologue?


    Regardless, I like the way you write (your write me leik)
    Your use of description and the way you make your paragraphs and sentences...
    it is like your age and experience has gained 10 levels. (+ 450,000 exp)

    post the first chapters, lol. Don't wait until page 3. xD

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  6. #31
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    Ra: Gah, I really wanted to thank you on AIM but I had to leave. D:

    Andrew is so very, very different from Ash in so many ways. XD Yeah, I know I could've added more description on some things (like Andrew going to Professor Oak's lab) but I guess I just think that readers will get bored by that. But yeah, I'll try harder. :3 Awww, no one's interested in poor Jason (well maybe for Chibi Pika)? Claire will finally appear the next chapter, and you'll get to know Andrew a bit more.

    Thank you so much for reviewing, Ra! <333333

    Kacho: Hahaha, high on drugs. Nah, he hasn't had any crack, I can assure you that. XDDDDDD And you'll see who the 'her' is in the prologue.

    I don't know when I'll post the first chapter. Maybe later this week...?

    I'm glad that you like the way I write, thanks for everything!
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  7. #32
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    Hmm, interesting beginning. Who can know what's real? Besides you, of course :P So many questions unanswered; I'm hooked. I liked the description of the transition from one reality to the next - very dramatic. A certain use of words struck me as awkward at the start - one adjective too many, you could say:

    But most importantly, he craved with an almost sickening and desperate fervor for Professor Oak’s undying approval.
    It seemed out of place, somehow. But in retrospect it seems you were being ironic. That's rather annoying, because now I don't have anything to criticise.

    Add me to the PM list please, and don't go getting writer's block again!

  8. #33
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    Darn you Monique getting all these reviews already! *shakes fist*

    Appearances were everything in this image-driven world, and Andrew was confident that he would make an excellent and long-lasting impression on Professor Oak. He had practiced in front of his mirror religiously each and every day; from the best way to compliment the professor’s pristine lab coat, to the perfect timing on when to laugh at his reused, unfunny jokes. He had cultivated his perfectly hypocritical image with loving care, and had been especially cautious that his true personality wouldn’t crack his beautiful, deceitful mask.
    I love this passage, from the very get-go you're just making this Andrew fellow seem like quite a sycophant annoying jerk. VERY refreshing from the usual average goody two-shoes main character of journey fics. He reminds me a bit of Tracey, except not as grossly obese.


    No matter how many times he saw her, his extreme loathing pumped through his veins, poisoning his very heart. Andrew bit his inner cheek, not wanting to lash out and ruin everything. He focused on his throbbing pain on the inside of his mouth, the metallic taste of his own blood, anything than to see into the eyes of the despicable woman who was beaming fondly at him.
    A certain song from my favorite kids' show Arthur comes to mind. "Crazy bus! Crazy bus! Riding on the crazy bus!"

    he wiped her cheap lipstick marking off his cheek with his napkin.
    Oooh, I don't like the wording of that bolded phrase. I would suggest "wiped off the smudge of her cheap lipstick" but its up to you.

    a Jigglypuff oozing a strong, yellow liquid from its purplish innards,
    Purplish innards. Love it



    Certainly a very....interesting...beginning to what I have no doubt will be a very twisted journey fic. It took me a second glance before I realized that first half of this prologue was some sort of delusional fantasy. And this world is in chaos now. I kept thinking "her" was referring to his meemaw, but for some reason, I just don't think that's who this evil woman is. I do love female bad guys though. I didn't see any grammatical errors, you clearly put a lot of effort into polishing this! Very enjoyable read. It has a different feel than most of your other works, the other ones seemed a bit more dense, but I like this new direction your taking this fic in as well. You still have plenty of horrifying imagery, but it feels more curt and sharp.

    Keep us the excellent work, Latoyah!
    A Championship Battle
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    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

  9. #34
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    Really, is "her" the girl from the Author's Cafe "strawberry cupcake" ? (that, in other word, the thread)

    I think I forget to point out those wickedness of your description...
    (referring to what the previous poster points out, the Jigglypuff)
    (The spearow with head off is common, like a chicken.)
    (the mankey is like... some normal reference)

    I be happy if you do me a favor and kill some of my favorite pokemon.. generally grass and bug type.. hehe... maybe like an Oddish, the grass are pulled forcefully from the head leaving the sculp... all bloody
    Or like those "boned" pokemon, their bones protrude awkwardly from their body, their faces disfigured....
    This story has a good potential. (meanwhile I am subbing this)

    Good job!

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  10. #35
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    Elemental Charizam: Hey ECCCC! =D Some scenes will get a bit more confusing in later chapters. XD

    Yeah, it was supposed to be ironic but I'll delete it. :P

    Added! And don't worry, chapter one is going strong!

    Muchas gracias, EC! *hugs*

    IceKing: (copy and pasting my reply from PC...with some changes) Feniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, it's such a nice surprise to see you here! <3

    LMAOOOOO! I love it when you mention Tracey's supposed obesity. XDDDDDD And yes, Andrew is an ***-kissing idiot. OMG you were also an Arthur fan???!!!!! I LOVED that show! =D

    I already changed it!

    Oh damn, maybe I wrote that scene too fast? I really wanted it make it crystal clear that the first half was some delusion of his little mind. Female bad guys are LOVE.I really tried my hardest to make this as typo-free as possible - I'm glad my effort paid off. :3 Yeah, my writing is a bit different than my one-shots, though I have a feeling that I'll revert back to that in some future chapters. ^^;

    Monique...........Latoyah......................*WH ACKS WITH A FAN* Cut it out, Felipe!

    But still, thank you for the lovely and thorough review. *hugs tightly*

    Kacho: Maybe I can add a dead Oddish reference since there'll be some other bloody scenes in this fic. And I already had a Pokemon with its bones sticking out *points to Mankey* XD

    'Subbing'? What do you mean? Sorry, I'm feeling rather dense today. :P
    Last edited by Burnt Flower; 8th July 2008 at 2:48 AM.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  11. #36
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    ^ No, that was limping for the mankey... probably the nerve tissues got... burned? overused?

    Maybe if you are going for big pokemon death, you can slay a Tropius too. xD

    Can't wait for next chapter! Heh heh.

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  12. #37
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    Kacho: Hah, I don't if I'll slay a Tropius since this fic is focused in Kanto and all. But I can promise you a dead Oddish, though!

    I don't know if anyone will like the next chapter since it'll be set in the past. D:
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  13. #38
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    I read it and I loved it!

    This story is great just as a prologue and I can't wait until we get to the preview part. I can't wait for more!
    Insert Cool FanFic Banner Here.
    Maybe I should start writing one of those...

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  14. #39
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    @BurntFlower: The past is fine with me, I just hope it's not too "sadistic" for my taste. . .I like horror to an extent, not the extent of Touristas (so many mutilated bodies ewww not something to watch during family movie night!). Yes, I just hope you can pull it off to make sure to wrap up the why and how that's going on in my mind right now xD. Even though I think we all know why. . .I predict that Claire needed to kill more organisms to make her feel normal or something like that.

    Edit: did you add me to the pm list yet, if not please please add me with cherries and dead Jigglypuffs on top!
    Last edited by Ventus3; 10th July 2008 at 6:10 AM.


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  15. #40
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    Now that I actually read it and didn't scan through, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. Literally I was in a trance as I was reading it, I couldn't read it fast enough. I'm really looking forward to seeing how he gets his first Pokemon and what exactly they must do.(Though I have a guess to what it might be)

    What can I say, you had me at "Everyone's Dead."

    Also I would like to be added to the PM list as well.

  16. #41
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    Damn, this is good. I'm disappointed in myself that I've put off looking at this for so long.
    I am a huge fan of evilish characters, so this is instant win for me. I loved his hatred for his mother, especially the fantasy of pulling off her nails, though I think it would be nice to know where it came from. It's very mysterious already, and I'm itching for more!

    No real criticism here. I don't go for grammar/spelling unless it distracts me, and it didn't in this.

    Keep up the good (or evil) work!
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  17. #42
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    Yay for more comments!

    Ventus3: Luckily for you, the next chapter is actually pretty damn tame, though I suspect not too many people will like it.... And the questions the prologue left will be answered in time. I'll try to wrap up all loose threads by the time the story ends. :3

    Okay, I shall add you!

    shon_taylor: The next chapter will deal on how he got his first Pokemon, but I hope it's not too dull... Haha, the 'Everyone's dead' line was one of my favorites as well. Thanks for reviewing! =)

    Added as well!

    Irith_Locke: Andrew's motivation will be explained throughout the story, though keep in mind that that part was all a hallucination. But yeah, he's not a very nice person....

    Thanks for commenting! *hugs*
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  18. #43
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    Ah, how fun. Like Pokemon meets Hannibal. The sociopathic boy is so downright evil... His hatreds were displayed quite well, especially with the anti-cliches littered all around there: the Dodrio, the pokeball clock, the earliness... But that has already been said and done.

    The dead pokemon were done very well. I myself always had problems imagining a decapitated Jigglypuff, simply because I always feel as if its body is so rubbery... While the status of the lab was rather horrific, I must admit THAT isn't the part that made me wince. It was the bit about the toenails.

  19. #44
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    Cool Hey there!

    First Apprentice to the sacred art of Serebii Review Ryu, Air Dragon, enters the fray... fair and square!

    GRAMMAR:

    pulled her nails off one by one with a pair of pliers
    With bated breath, he entered the sliding doors,
    Is it just me, or do the works I read get progressively better in this section of my reviews? I can’t give you less than an A+ for the great work, though as this is the prologue, I’d advise you greatly to keep this standard running.

    CAST:

    Andrew: Wow, now this is one hateful (mutters extremely profane expletive here). His entire life seems to be geared towards hating humanity. Does the absence of his father have anything to do with the moulding of this angelic-faced menace? Or is it some deep, psychological disorder? For the protagonist, you threw us quite the evil loon with a macabre sense of hatred.

    I like it.

    Though horror and macabre are the sort of things I’d usually watch, it doesn’t change the fact that this may just add to my reading preferences.

    Too many holes surround Andrew’s psyche for now, and though I reckon you wanted this from the start, it winds up being slightly frustrating.

    Aaaargh. Darnit. I can’t help myself... it’s that good... A

    DESCRIPTION:

    Please... whatever you do... do NOT produce horror movies... you make Alien vs. Predator look like a Nintendogs review... and that’s scary...

    Damn, you’re good at this.

    A.

    PLOT:

    Andrew seems to be intensely angsty or hateful, even to his doting mother. But for what reasons? To what aim does he seek Prof. Oak’s admiration so fervently?

    And with Jason and the mystery woman, who are they? And what the hell is Andrew agreeing to?

    You have me asking so many questions, I’m simply staring at my screen helplessly for the answers.

    You know what i'm gonna give you here, so don't ask any "Where ma grade at?" questions. Got me, cuz?

    LENGTH:

    For a prologue it was well-lengthed. Tome-like, compared to other intros and the minimum requirements. I was definitely kept engaged by this beauty of a horror fic.

    As the rose has its beauty, so does its thorns bear its sting.

    Ah have no idea what ah said, but basically, you scored yerself another A.

    OVERALL:

    As I’d expect from a seasoned horror writer. Though I never really was into the stuff earlier, going by the prologue and the snippets in the Author’s Café, this work may just be in the realms of greatness with EM1, Mix and IceKing.

    As this is just the beginning, I’d feel prudent in letting you have this darling as my final verdict.

    L@er!
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  20. #45
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    Xewtwo: Jigglypuff wasn't decapitated; the Spearow was. :P Haha, the bit of the toenails I added kind of made me wince as well. And Andrew isn't as "evil" as another character that will show up in th next chapter. Thanks for reviewing!

    Air Dragon: I'm glad you reviewed!

    Ughhh, I could've sworn I fixed the baited-bated typo...damn SPPF server. *shakes fist* I'll fix the plier thing too. And yes, I try to proofread as much as I can, though sometimes there are things that escape my notice. XP

    Oooooh, you're the only person who mentioned an absence of a father! VERY GOOD! =D And it's a whole mix of things.

    I see that some people that aren't too into this sort of thing are reading my fic. I really don't know what to say to that...hopefully some readers won't regret it later on. XD You'll see who exactly Jason is in the next chapter (it'll have a focus on him). As to what Andrew is agreeing to...you'll see later on, heh. I don't know if the length of my chapters is adequate enough...chapter one isn't too long, to be honest.

    Thank you! I really like reading thorough reviews such as yours. I hope some people will like reading this, though I know I can't please everyone. :3




    TO ALL: Chapter one is probably coming early next week; I wrote a good chunk of it last night.
    Last edited by Burnt Flower; 12th July 2008 at 9:43 PM.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  21. #46
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    ^ Sometimes I feel like your personality is post one thing at a time, then collect comments, and then post your next chapter...

    I am anticipated! ^^

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  22. #47
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    Okay Patteh. Hit me in the PM list. I need to start reading fics again. ^^; I think I stopped with chibi's fic. *missed too much and not gonna remember anything (glares at chibi)* But I'm gonna pick up Saber's again. *has no idea why he's saying this here*
    Anyway, great stoofs. I'm so glad I'm reading you stuff again. I've always loved the horror and gruesomeness of everything. You're quite an influence on Fenit who seems to have picked up the same kinda of horror stuff.
    Anyway (again) Great prolougue. great description of course. I like Jason too. He seems to be misterious in a way too. *hasn't read the preview you had in the cafe* I may have to go look for it. I was really confused after everything changed to a death scene. I was like what??? I'm just kinda confuzzled as to what happened. ^^;
    No mistakes. (my specialty still!!!!) I like this start and I'm ready to read more.
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  23. #48
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    Kacho: Hahaha, if I had all the chapters written down already, that would be my strategy. XD But since I don't, I'm posting chapters when I'm done writing them.

    jirachiman876: Heya Lewis, long time no see. =O

    And I think I may just adore you for saying I'm an influence on Fenit. That made me laugh soooooo hard. XD

    And you're the only other person who likes Jason, asides from Chbi Pika. :3 Chapter one is focused on him, so he won't be as mysterious anymore (or not too much, at least). Bah, everyone got confused by that...I'm such a crappy writer. :P I guess I need to improve more, since there'll be some more confusing scenes later on.

    Anyway, a million thanks, Lewis! And keep on posting in SPPF!



    TO ALL: I've done even more writing for chapter one. It'll be out definitely in a couple of days.
    Maggots of Society: Chapter One Up!



    Twins with Sike Saner! She loves to stay in the shadows.


  24. #49
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    Awesome Story. All I can say is... can't wait 'till the next chapter. Like many of the Authors here, you have an amazing imagination. Keep it up.

  25. #50
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    You know what?

    I actually didn't skim it I thouroughly read through it and whew...chills.

    But I wonder what must they do. I can't wait to find out and I can't wait for the next chapter

    Travis *gives yet another cookie*

    PS: Also add me to the PM List please! I like this story
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