Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Alone (Pokeshipping/ PG-13/ OneShot)

Hybrid View

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    South Dakota? Where's that?!
    Posts
    57

    Default Alone (Pokeshipping/ PG-13/ OneShot)

    My first attempt at writing a fan fic so it still might be a bit shaky.
    Thanks to all the Pokeshippers, such as myself, who still believe that Ash and Misty will get together. It will happen!
    Enjoy!


    ~Alone~

    It..happened..so fast..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    The final battle in the Hoenn Tournament had finally come to an end. It seemed to take forever as both opponents were both equally matched in skill, but in the end only one could win. The crowd was as loud as ever and not a single one was sitting. After an intense beginning, the young raven haired trainer quickly made a decision without questioning it. As he yelled the name, his faithful yellow companion leapt into battle without haste.

    “I’ve trained to hard to lose to you,” the trainer made clear to himself.

    It was true. He had dedicated himself to his training and demanded the best from himself and his Pokemon. Across the way, his opponent found himself wearing a arrogant look on his face. He expected this move. Everyone that has ever heard of the young trainer would have seen this coming. He had the type advantage, though, and he knew he had to use it. The electric mouse could maneuver around the field unlike any Pokemon he has ever seen, but he knew that for him to win, it required patience. And in the end, it paid off.

    Ash Ketchem reminisced about the battle over and over again, pondering what he could have done wrong. He and Pikachu both assumed that they could have done more to turn the tides of the battle. Pikachu’s shriek was still very clear in Ash’s mind. The crowd turned silent after seeing Pikachu flung to the ground. His scream echoed throughout the stadium. Ash hurdled over the railing of his trainers stand and rushed the field. He embraced Pikachu as tears streamed down his face. The fans could understand Ash’s pain. Seeing their idol like that made most of them break out into tears as well. May, Max, and Brock all tried their best to get Pikachu from Ash’s grasp so Nurse Joy could tend to it, but he held firm. After finally making it to the Pokemon Center, Pikachu had to under go a series of major surgeries. Ash did not leave the center, not once. He sat in one of the chairs in the waiting room while all his friends tried to reason with him, telling him to go out side, get something to eat, cheer up. But there was no cheering up for Ash.

    That was one week ago. After the surgeries, Ash, with Pikachu back in his possession, was finally able to bring himself to go outside. Everything seemed so different. Everything just seemed to have changed in his absence. He spent most of his time in his apartment room, thinking. When the day finally came around to head on home, he and his friends packed their things and headed to the boat. May and Max both agreed to see Ash and Brock off but would soon have to depart as they planned to return home with their parents and plan their next move. When they arrived at the dock, Ash didn’t have much to say to his friends. He wished them luck and bid them farewell. Brock knew that he was still down about the tournament, so he didn’t speak to Ash on the boat ride home. When the boat entered Viridian City, Brock got a sudden call from his family, and had to return home to tend to his brothers and sisters.

    Ash was alone. After all that he and his friends had been through, they left him to go on with their own lives. Many a time, Ash thought about continuing his adventure, but he quickly rid himself of the idea. He couldn’t continue his adventure, not this soon. He needed time to think. After all the training he went through for the Hoenn tournament, he wondered if it is all really worth it. All the time he put into it, gone. Wasted. He knew that his friends would go on. Ritchie. Gary. They were probably already getting ready for their next adventure. As much as Ash wanted to, but he couldn’t bring himself to it. Something was holding him back. It wasn’t much but he could feel it.

    He shrugged the feeling off and took the road on home to Pallet Town. Ash seemed to be back-tracking through his memories after every step down this long, forgotten path. Pikachu and himself recollected about their time they spent with their dearest friends. Some of which they were never able to actually acquaint themselves with. But one person came back to mind as the young trainer ventured onward. As he passed a pond, he couldn’t but stop to appreciate something about it. Placing himself on a rock stretching over the glistening water, he began to ponder what was drawing him so close to it. Pikachu took his spot on the top of the trainer, who was still in deep thought. The Magikarp were abundant and the Spearow were cooing.

    “Wait..Spearow!”

    The young trainer shrieked as the significance of the little oasis before him came back to him.

    This was the very pool that a certain red haired gym leader had snagged Ash from. The sapphire water reminded Ash of her eyes, which shinned just as bright, if not brighter. The boy remembered the pool to be much bigger, filled with more water. He quickly realized the fact that he had been on the road for quite some time now and, naturally, Mother Nature did what she does best and aged the small area. The creek near by still ran placidly into the small pool. Ash watched as the Magikarp struggled back up the creek. He found humor in their efforts and pondered what she could have possibly seen in these water-breathing Pokemon. Misty. Her very name shrouded Ash’s thoughts.

    Home. He had to get home to straighten things out. He needed to get his priorities figured out before he did anything irrational. Recovering from the rock, he and the electric mouse continued down the path, the young girl still fresh on their minds. As they reached the top of the ridge, they could see the whole town of Pallet laid before their very eyes. The houses, the trees, the fields.

    Home…

    It seemed so hard for Ash to actually believe that he was back home. This was exactly what he needed. To just get away from it all, and relax. The road has taken its toll on the trainer and being with the ones that he loved is the best thing he could do in a time like this. Love.. Could that be the feeling? No, it couldn’t be. Although she did mean the world to him, it couldn’t be love.

    “I really do need a break if I’m thinking about that kind of stuff, huh Pikachu?”

    The little mouse was struck with question as he had no clue what his friend was talking about. He’s not psychic. He cant read his thoughts.

    “Pika, pi.. Pikachu.”

    “My bad buddy. I didn’t expect you to know what I was talking about. I’ll race you to the house!”

    And the two darted off to the Ketchum residence. As usual, Mr. Mime was outside sweeping away when he saw the two sprinting over the hill.

    “Mr. Mime!!!”

    The foolish clown Pokemon shouted and went to fetch Mrs. Ketchum.

    “MOM!! We are home!!”

    They scurried into the kitchen, dragging mud all over, which infuriated the psychic clown.
    “Mime…,” it said disappointingly, as if all his work was for none.

    “Don’t worry Mr. Mime, we’ll clean it later.”

    “Pikachu?”

    “Yes, we, Pikachu. You got just as much in here as me. Its only fair.”

    That didn’t appeal very well with the little electric type, as it shocked its trainer, leaving him charred and hurting.
    Ring… Ring…Ring.
    The phone was going crazy. They must have not heard it while Ash was screaming in horror. He decided to let the answering machine take it, as he was too busy seeing if all of him worked correctly after the shock.

    “Ash, this is your mother. We are waiting for you here at Professor Oaks lab. As I figured, Mr. Mime forgot to tell you, so just come on over whenever you get this. Love you!”

    “Wait, what does she mean by we?”

    Mom…always planning things…

    “Well little buddy, looks like we are going to the Professor’s!”

    The two ran out the door as if their lives depended on how fast they got to the lab, only tracking more mud throughout the house.

    “Mime!”

    They weren’t going to clean it. He knew it. So he forced himself to grab the mop and bucket…again.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    When they got to the Professors lab, it seemed as though nobody was there. Maybe his mom was just joking around with him. No, why would she want him to get out of the house as soon as he arrived. He decided to investigate.
    Pikachu and himself both walked up to the door and knocked. On the first knock the door creaked open, like they were about to enter a haunted mansion.

    “H..Hello?” Ash barely muttered out.

    “SURPRISE!!” The whole room shook with screams as everyone jumped out from behind their respective hiding places.
    Above them all hung a banner that showed “Welcome Home Ash!”

    “A party? For me?”

    “Of course its for you, Ash!” Mrs. Ketchum yelled as she bolted around the couch to hug her young trainer.

    Ash, as red as ever, called out as his mother caught a hold of him, “MOM! What are you doing?!”

    “We are all glad to see you home.”
    Ash glanced around the room to see his closest friends. There was Gary by the coffee table, Ritchie by the computer, and even Morrison was there, already having his way with the cake.

    “Hey wait…Where is Brock at?” Ash questioned the group.

    They looked around until Professor Oak found him outside, flirting with some girls. Ash got to him right in time, saving the poor girls from an almost certain doom.

    “So you say your still in school? Well I like me a girl with a…” Brock was interrupted abruptly as Ash tackled him into a ditch near by and held him down, giving the girls time to run away.

    “No! Come back! I love you!!!” He shouted, hoping one of the girls would hear and come running back.

    But both he and Ash knew they wouldn’t come back.

    They never did.

    Ash reentered the lab to an applause from everyone there. They all saw his heroic deed through the nearby window and was thankful the young girls got away from both a disturbing and awkward situation.

    “Hey…That was my job…”

    That voice…It was so beautiful…He swiftly turned around to see her…The girl of his dreams, the girl that clouded his thoughts and altered his decisions. She looks so perfect. Her smile, her hair, her body…Her eyes. They stood out more than any other part of her, and he loved staring into them. He grew over his long trip and was now taller than the water-Pokemon trainer, so he had to look down into them. Her eyes. They were so beautifully colored that it appeared as though you were staring into water. He lost himself in those very eyes once before, but that was before he felt this way about her.

    “Misty…”

    That’s all Ash could say. Misty.

    “Its good to see you again, Ash!”

    She wrapped her arms around the young man. Her skin was so soft. Ash felt the warmth from her body. He embraced the young girl and held her tight. He never wanted to let go. He felt as if everything he had ever hoped for came together in this one moment. Ash was happy again.

    After the hug broke off, the group ate their cake and informed Ash of everything that had happened while he was gone. Ash caught himself looking at Misty every now and then. He never wanted to look away, but was afraid Misty would catch him staring. It was late in the night when the group went to their respective rooms in the lab and got prepared for bed. Ash and Mrs. Ketchum told the group goodnight and took the path back to their home. Ash went up to his room and laid in his bed, just thinking about the feeling of seeing Misty again. It was the happiest he had been in the longest time, and was thankful that he was finally able to hold her again. He laid there for hours, doing nothing more than think about Misty. Her eyes. He wanted to be lost in them one more time. He sat up from his bed and glanced at the clock. 2:55 AM, it told him in big, red letters. She was probably asleep right now. Just talk to her tomorrow.

    Ash attempted to go to sleep but it was no use. The thought of Misty kept him awake. Her eyes. They kept him awake. He wasn’t going to get any sleep and he knew it. He threw on his jeans and a shirt and opened the window quietly, so he didn’t wake up Pikachu. When he finally made it to the ground below, he began walking to the lab, which progressively sped up to a jog, and then a full blown sprint. His heart was beating at the thought of being with her.

    When he made it to the lab, he could see the front gate unlocked.
    “That’s not like the Professor to leave his gate open at night,” Ash whispered to himself.
    He eased his way through the gate and made his way to the bedroom window where Misty was at. Her light was still on.
    She was still awake.
    He hid beside the window, pressed up against the side of the house, so she would not see him. He began to get anxious and peeked slowly from his hiding position. He could see her shadow pacing back and forth as if she were nervous or upset at something. Ash was concerned for her and wanted to help her, but as he rotated his body from his spot he could see one more shadow.

    There were two shadows in the room.

    Who else was in the room with her? That’s not like Misty at all. She never liked being in the same room with someone this late, unless she had to stay at a Pokemon Center on their travels. The second shadow was seated in a chair nearby but Ash was unable to get a good look at its face. Curiosity kept him outside the window, waiting to get a good look at the suspicious shadow. Ash glanced at Misty, looking into her eyes, but they weren’t the same ones he saw earlier. They were red and swollen. Was she crying? Ash began to worry even more.

    “I don’t know what I’m going to do…” Misty struggled to say.

    Her voice was hoarse and rough.

    “Well do you love him?”

    It was a man. His voice reminded Ash of someone that he once knew but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

    “Yes…No…I don’t know…I’m with you right now, but seeing him again brings back so many feelings,” she made clear to both herself and the mysterious man.

    Ash felt a rush of feelings overcome him.

    She still had feelings for him.

    “Well you obviously have feelings for me. If you didn’t, you would be with him right now. Listen, Misty. I love you, I really do, and I don’t want to lose you to him. I know how much you liked him but that was years ago. A childhood crush,” the mysterious man said with a confident tone.

    “Its not that easy!” Misty shrieked. “It might have been a childhood crush, but I’ve felt this way for years.”

    “Misty, just let is go. This whole thing isn’t worth risking what we have…Is it?” the deep voice rang out.

    “I want to be with you, yeah, but you will never know how much I love Ash. It just feels right to be with him,” Misty smiled slightly, thinking of her and Ash being together.

    All the while, Ash waited outside, heart beating faster than ever at what Misty just said. The clouds overhead began to get dark. Rain started sprinkling down, but Ash was not moving from his spot. He wanted to hear more from Misty, but he mainly wanted to figure out who this mysterious man was. Him and Misty were apparently together and that angered Ash. He wasn’t one to be selfish, but the girl he has loved ever since he has been a child was on the line and Ash was willing to give everything to be with her.

    “So we are done…?” The deep voice whispered.

    “Yes, we are done, Tracey…”

    Tracey?!?

    Ash let out a gasp and knew that they heard it. He maneuvered around one side of a tree so he could not be seen by Tracey.

    Tracey bolted over to the window, screaming out into the yard, “I know your out there! Who is it?!”

    Tracey’s eye then caught a hold of something beside the tree. A shadow.

    “Come out from behind there!” Tracey demanded.

    He was so furious with not only the fact that Misty just broke up with him, but that someone heard every word of it. He sprung out the window and dashed over to the tree, grabbing Ash on the other side. He threw Ash to the damp ground, and as soon as Tracey caught a good look at him, his rage boiled even more.

    “Ash, what the hell are you doing here?! Were you spying on us?” Tracey screamed, stirring those who were spending the night at the lab.

    “No, I wasn’t spying. I was just checking in on Misty…” Ash shyly stated.

    He caught a quick glimpse of her out of the corner of his eye. She was blushing.

    “You never should have came back. You ruined everything for me! We were supposed to be together forever, and you ruined it!” Tracey continued his screaming.

    More and more people were looking out their windows to see what all the commotion was. They saw Ash and Tracey, figuring that nothing good was going to come out of this.

    “I need her Tracey…” Ash whispered to him.

    He was still not used to this love thing and was not very confident in what to say.

    “You do? What about me?! You could have had any other girl but it had to be Misty. Why?!” The out bursts continued as the on lookers seemed to be getting more concerned for the well being of the boys.

    “Because…” Ash fumbled with his words.

    “Because why?!?” Tracey ferociously question the trainer.

    “Because…I love her!!” Ash finally mustered up the courage to say it aloud.

    As soon as the words left his lips, Misty’s face turned beat red and a smile emerged on her face.

    “You worthless piece of…” Tracey grumbled as he lunged forward towards Ash.

    “Don’t Tracey!” Misty raced forward grabbing Tracey’s arm so that he would not be able to hit Ash.

    “Don’t you touch me!” Tracey screamed as he struck Misty across the face.

    She fell to the ground, her eyes tearing up. As Tracey turned from Misty to continue with Ash, a set of knuckles came crashing into his face. Blood and saliva spewed from Tracey’s mouth, as he careened to the ground. He rolled onto his hands and knees and screamed in pain. His eyes darted around to find Ash, rubbing his knuckles.

    “Don’t you ever touch her again,” Ash commanded Tracey with an angry tone.

    His face was set like a statue, looking upon Tracey. The look in Ash’s eyes were like arrows, piercing through Tracey, leaving him with a dumb struck look on his face. This is not the same trainer he met years ago. Everyone watching knew that. Ash was no longer the thick-headed boy they all once knew.

    “Get out of my sight, right now…” Ash said in a monotone voice. Everyone knew he meant business.

    “Don’t you tell me what to do,” Tracey quickly replied. “Your nothing but a punk b…”

    Before Tracey could even finish the sentence, he found himself flat on his back with Ash on top of him, laying a barrage of punches upon him. Hit after hit, Tracey screamed for him to get off, but he couldn’t. Ash put all of his rage that built up over the years into these strikes. Tracey finally managed to get his body turned over, to avoid Ash from hitting him any further. He scrambled to his feet and took off down the road, leaving nothing but a sketch pad in the room and a trail of blood.

    At this point, everyone staying at the lab was now awake. Misty sat on the ground, looking up at the trainer. His knuckles were bloody and bruised. His face now showed some emotion, as his eyes met Misty’s. Ash stood there, not sure of what he just did.

    “I…I…I’m sorry…It got out of hand…” Ash stammered.

    Misty, just as shocked as Ash, tore off a sleeve of her shirt and wrapped around his hand.

    “You don’t need to be sorry Ash,” she whispered in his ear. “I’ve never had anyone stand up for me like that before.”

    She grabbed the hand that she just wrapped up. Unfortunate for Ash, she grabbed it just a bit too tight, causing him to wince.

    “Oh! I’m sorry! Are you ok?” she asked with a sweet tone in her voice. She kissed him on the cheek, and red rushed over his entire face. Misty giggled at this, which in turn, made Ash snicker a bit.

    “Yeah, I’m doing a whole lot better now,” he said as he looked into her sapphire eyes.

    Her eyes. They almost brought the trainer to tears.

    “Are you doing ok Ash?” Misty asked, concerned about his well being.

    “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this moment…I love you Misty.”

    Ash whispered to her as a tear came down his cheek and a grin cracked on his face.

    “I love you too Ash,” Misty softly said as she reached her arms around her trainer and held tight to him.

    As they embraced each other, the on lookers watched the emotional moment unfold before them. Many people were shocked when they expressed their feelings for each other, but for most, this was a moment that they have been waiting on for years.

    “Nicely done Ashy boy…I knew you had it in ya,” Gary applauded his rival.

    “I knew it…Lets go to bed Sparky,” Ritchie recalled his Pikachu and went back to his bed.

    The rain continued to fall but neither Ash nor Misty cared. They loved each other and that’s all that mattered to them. After a while, Ash leaned back from Misty, so he could look into her eyes again. Everything about her was absolutely perfect. Ash soon realized that Misty was still in her pajama’s and was getting cold, fast. He took off his jacket and put it around her. He embraced her again but only for a short time as she moved away from him. She moved quick and gave him a peck on the lips. It caught Ash off guard so he wasn’t able to kiss her back. She held the trainers hand and was pulling him over to her room, when Ash hugged her from behind, whispering in her ear.

    “Hey Mist, lets try that one more time…” he said with a joking tone.

    She spun around and wrapped her arms around Ash’s neck, pulling herself closer to him. Their lips met and everything was perfect. The two sat outside for a bit longer before working their way into Misty’s room, closing the window behind them.

    “I taught him that one,” Brock bragged to Morrison before they returned to their respective rooms.

    ~The End~
    Last edited by TheKickerOfElves; 6th July 2008 at 4:14 PM.
    Friend Code: 2794-5333-2430

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Switzerland, Europe
    Posts
    1,469

    Default

    I guess I can review this...
    If anything, I owe you that much

    Quote Originally Posted by TheKickerOfElves View Post
    “I’ve trained to hard to lose to you,” the trainer made clear to himself.
    I think there's an "it" missing between the bolded parts...but maybe not. ^^'

    Quote Originally Posted by TheKickerOfElves View Post
    This was the very pool that a certain red haired gym leader had snagged Ash from. The sapphire water reminded Ash of her eyes, which shinned just as bright, if not brighter.
    I believe you meant : shined.
    But in any case, it's shone. To shine is an irregular verb

    Quote Originally Posted by TheKickerOfElves View Post
    They scurried into the kitchen, dragging mud all over, which infuriated the psychic clown.
    “Mime…,” it said disappointingly, as if all his work was for none.

    “Don’t worry Mr. Mime, we’ll clean it later.”

    “Pikachu?”

    “Yes, we, Pikachu. You got just as much in here as me. Its only fair.”
    lol, first time I see Mr.Mime taken into consideration

    Quote Originally Posted by TheKickerOfElves View Post
    Ring… Ring…Ring.
    The phone was going crazy.
    You should avoid stuff like this.
    If you do use it, repeating of sounds or such, you should emphasize either the number of times it rings, or the reaction Ash has to it : curiosity, annoyance ?...

    So either you make it more "deep" or you could just describe the scene !

    "Suddenly, a repetitive, buzzing sound was heard. Ash looked puzzled, as he was searching where it was coming from. But the noise kept on going like crazy, untill Ash eventually figured out it had to be someone calling on the phone, but descided to let the answering machine take it..."

    ...or anything similar xD

    Quote Originally Posted by TheKickerOfElves View Post
    That voice…It was so beautiful…He swiftly turned around to see her…The girl of his dreams, the girl that clouded his thoughts and altered his decisions. She looks so perfect. Her smile, her hair, her body…Her eyes. They stood out more than any other part of her, and he loved staring into them. He grew over his long trip and was now taller than the water-Pokemon trainer, so he had to look down into them. Her eyes. They were so beautifully colored that it appeared as though you were staring into water. He lost himself in those very eyes once before, but that was before he felt this way about her.
    That was a pretty nice description, though you should always keep the same tense during the course of a story/situation.
    I would have put "She looked so perfect"

    Quote Originally Posted by TheKickerOfElves View Post
    “I want to be with you, yeah, but you will never know how much I love Ash. It just feels right to be with him,” Misty smiled slightly, thinking of her and Ash being together.
    So true

    Quote Originally Posted by TheKickerOfElves View Post
    “So we are done…?” The deep voice whispered.

    “Yes, we are done, Tracey…”

    Tracey?!?
    ...If you had put Gary, I might have forgiven you...but this...is wrong *shot*

    And you could have added to the bolded part : "Tracey?!?" Ash's mind screamed so loud only he could hear it.

    Hey, I like how that turned out xDD

    Quote Originally Posted by TheKickerOfElves View Post
    Tracey bolted over to the window, screaming out into the yard, “I know your out there! Who is it?!”
    You're

    Quote Originally Posted by TheKickerOfElves View Post
    Before Tracey could even finish the sentence, he found himself flat on his back with Ash on top of him, laying a barrage of punches upon him. Hit after hit, Tracey screamed for him to get off, but he couldn’t. Ash put all of his rage that built up over the years into these strikes. Tracey finally managed to get his body turned over, to avoid Ash from hitting him any further. He scrambled to his feet and took off down the road, leaving nothing but a sketch pad in the room and a trail of blood.
    Ash beating the hell out of Tracey was a thing I never saw coming tbh


    Yeah, why not ?
    Not bad at all, but neither is it too good. The plot was a bit edgy, the descritpion well at the beginning and the end, but limited all in between, a few grammar mistakes, but nothing that makes it impossible to read...
    So I give it 3 stars. Congrats ^^
    This one-shot is promising, since it's your first work, you can get much better than this

    Good job, and keep it up ! I hope I'll read finer work from you
    Because of serebiiforums, my Life has been put on hold...

    ...wait, that sounds wrong...
    ...yeah, it's the other way around.

    My Works : A, B, C, D, E

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    South Dakota? Where's that?!
    Posts
    57

    Default

    Thanks for the review! I thought the first one would have been a bit harsher.

    Quote Originally Posted by shadow_shipper View Post
    lol, first time I see Mr.Mime taken into consideration
    Yeah, I figured that Mr. Mime never really got enough attention so I figure that I might as well put him in here.

    Quote Originally Posted by shadow_shipper View Post
    Ash beating the hell out of Tracey was a thing I never saw coming tbh
    I'm not a really big fan of Tracey. Well not so much of Tracey but Misty and Tracey being together. Ash has never been seen as a tough guy but I figured that if it came down to it, he would lay the smackdown.

    Quote Originally Posted by shadow_shipper View Post
    Good job, and keep it up ! I hope I'll read finer work from you
    Thanks a ton! I'm thinking about coming out with another story but I'm not sure yet. Need a bit to think it through. Hopefully youll be able to read it as soon as I get it done
    Friend Code: 2794-5333-2430

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    978

    Default

    No more reading and not reviewing so...

    shadow_shipper already pointed out some of the typos and stuff so I'll concentrate on the plot and the writing.

    The plot?

    I think that's probably the main thing dragging this down anyway. I mean that fight went way OOC (out of character) there at the end. Does it really seem like them? Tracey becomes a jerk, and Ash beats the living daylights out of him for love of his girl.

    What I'm trying to say is some people might read this and think it's character bashing (on purpose) against Tracey because of Orangeshipping. I agree that someone like Gary the arrogant rival might have been better for this than the shy quiet artist who suddenly went psycho (you get my point?)

    Or better yet maybe you should have used an OC. You know, just make up character for what you're trying to portray. Replace Tracey's name with David, Marvin, or Johnny in those scenes and suddenly it becomes less (What the...? Why did Tracey...? And why is Ash...?) and more (How could Misty hook up with a jerk like that? Ash kick his butt! Come on! Knock him out!) Instead of the reader questioning Tracey's behavior and their reaction based on his character in the anime, you don't have that same problem with an OC since you made him up and he is what you make him.

    Either way I'm just saying it worked better if chose another character from the anime that's a real jerk (most would believe Harley going psycho on May in a fic involving her for instance) or an OC for that so people wouldn't think that it could be character and ship bashing. I think that this could have more potential otherwise. Because for a first time fic writer, you can actually write.

    Which is my next point.

    I'll give you credit for putting effort into this, I mean for a first fic you did put some description in there. A lot of people seem to forget that and focus on the dialogue. So that's really good. The writing style could use a little polishing, but you do have good basic writing ability.

    The best part of this fic to me was the beginning where you showed your writing strengths (everything before the “I really do need a break if I’m thinking about that kind of stuff, huh Pikachu?” line). That was nice. You explained everything and set up the fic, rather than him just showing up at home and it feeling choppy because we wouldn't know how he felt and why he did. So keep explaining the emotions as to why a character does something. It helps the reader understand what's going on.

    Just make sure the sentences work and flow well together in agreement. That's the only main advice I think I could give there.

    Good luck.
    Finally free til the 17th
    Now if my computer will cooperate...




    My fics


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •