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Thread: The Good Left Undone (PG-13)

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    Default The Good Left Undone (PG-13)

    This fic was originally named "Before I Forget". This particular chapter is rated PG-13 as I prefer to rate each chapter individually rather than the whole story. It's still a bit rough around the edges, but I'm proud of what I've done with this.


    ----

    Chapter I: Burn My Dread



    Chapter I: Burn My Dread


    Rio dashed through the back alley, beads of sweat rolling off his brow. ‘I could've sworn...’

    A wheeze came from behind the corner. The laden clops of the grunt's steps resounded from behind the wall. As the Team Galaxy grunt scurried up the story tall fence, Rio hastened his steps and swerved around the corner. The gap between them was too wide. The goon was getting away.

    Rio took out one of his Poke-Balls, a finger automatically activating and enlarging the module. He threw the capsule at the grunt's head. The blow knocked the man over the fence before he was able to hop down.

    A Skarmory burst out of the capsule with a splitting screech. He hovered over the concrete, his piercing yellow eyes glittering beneath a great beetling brow.

    The grunt wiped the blood from his brow as he glanced at the iron-clad bird. He vaulted from the ground, running frantically for the throng of civilians that were around the next corner.

    ‘He really thinks he'll be safe,’ Rio thought. "Panzer, Drill Peck through the fence. Don't let him go."

    The iron-clad bird rocketed off the ground. His rapidly gyrating body ripped through the wire fence. He swept the grunt from the ground, the sharp teeth of his beak biting through the man's leg.

    Rio made his way through the fence towards the screaming grunt. He watched in amusement as the grunt wiggled around like a worm, kicking and screaming in a fruitless effort to break free. "Hit him again and see what happens," Rio said. The grunt looked up at Rio with flinty eyes, his nails biting into his palms. "Please, you know better than to piss off Panzer. All I have to do is give the order and he'll snap your leg like a twig." Rio leaned over, grabbed the man by his hair, and slammed his face into the pavement.

    "Now, tell me where is Cyrus and the other Commanders are and what they plan to do to Dawn?"

    "Is this how you repay us, Maddox?" the grunt snapped. "You pick that man over your family? After everything we did for you?"

    Beads of sweat coursed down Rio's palms. He lifted his chin. "Family? Sorry, but I never was part of your little cult. Now, are you gonna answer me or do I have to force my way inside your head?"

    The grunt broke into a fit of hysterics, laughing with an edge in his voice. "A cult? Oh, come now! Call is what you want, traitor. Team Galaxy will never die! Do you not see the future that awaits humanity? Were we not the ones who fed you? Were we not the ones who healed those burn marks in your ears? Did you not forget the tears that fell from your face? Oh, how grand was it to see! Oh, how you wept and cried like a baby as he read you like a book! We could've destroyed that man! The leader of AEGIS is an abusive ****! Wouldn't that have made wonderful headlines? We could've raked the corruption out of the corporate world! We could've put that man behind bars and watched him rot for the rest of his life! He gave you hope. He gave us all hope! Were those tears lies? Huh? Were those burns lies as well? Huh? Were they?"

    Rio tightened his fists, his nails biting into his palms. The boy with the glowing hand stood unnaturally still, replaying those words over and over in his mind, standing there with a harried expression. The man lay there with a smile which didn't quite reach the eyes. "Did that get you thinking?" the grunt hollered. A smirk arched across his pursed lips. "You aligned yourself with the man who blighted you? After everything we've been through? The man who stole your childhood? We could've-"

    Rio took out another Poke-Ball and dropped it to the ground. A Heracross with a heart-shaped tip on its horn burst out of the capsule and materialized next to the grunt. "Noleen, pin his arms behind his back. Don't release him 'til I say otherwise." The Heracross complied and bent his arms back far with a hold on his wrists tighter than any handcuff.

    The man shot Rio with a fevering stare. "Always jumpin' the gun, I see. What makes you think I know anything, huh?" he said in a scathing tone.

    Rio grabbed the back of the man's head and yanked it upwards, pulling his thick hair by the roots.

    "Listen to me, Regis," Rio snapped, his eyes glaring into the fearful grunt's, burning like a cigarette's lit end right onto his soul. "Ever since you ****s chose to mess with those Pokemon I realized your 'messiah' was full of ****. Didn't you realize your new world was nothing but a damned lie? Didn't you realize he planned to destroy us all and make himself into a deity and rule over your new world?"

    The man's mouth fell open. He let out several hitched breaths. The sweat on his brow seemed to wash the color from his face.

    "Now, tell me where they are."

    "I...I don't know."

    “You won't tell? Well, there's another way to find out,” Rio retorted with a troubling scowl. He slipped off his mesh glove, revealing his marked hand. The black “markings” emitted an ominous green glow from the edges, pulsating with it's own heartbeat.

    The stricken grunt looked up to see Rio had placed his index and middle fingers in between his drawn-up eyebrows. The grunt’s mouth fell open, his eyes beginning to water. The man looked upat Rio, giving Rio an incredulous stare. “No, no, no, no,” he muttered over and over with trembling lips, his breathing becoming shallower with every puff.

    As Rio placed his two fingers on his own forehead to complete the link, the grunt began shaking his head vigorously as he tried to squirm his way out of his “bonds”, twisting his wrists together to no avail. “Don’t! Don’t do it! No! Stay out of my head!” the man cried in a shrill voice, squeezing his watered eyes shut as the sweat on his brow coursed down his lip. The link between their minds was disrupted. “No...no...please don’t...”

    ‘If you got nothing to hide, why won’t you let me read your mind? Is it that hard? Why not just say where they are?” said Rio in a carefully controlled tone. ”Now, tell me. Where are Cyrus and the others are and what they plan to do to Dawn?”

    As the man’s eyes left his, Rio jolted his head upwards. “Tell me where they are and what they plan to do to Dawn.”

    “I don’t....”

    “Is it that hard?” said Rio in a carefully controlled tone. ”Now, I'll as one more time. Tell me where Cyrus and the others are and what they plan to do to Dawn?”

    No response.

    “Tell me right now, or I swear to God I'll blow your brain out of your ****ing skull!"

    “I do not know where Cyrus and the others are! I do not know what they plan to do to Dawn!” the thug cried in desperation. “I do not know!”

    Rio let go of the back of the man’s head and pressed his chin against the concrete. “Panzer! Over here!” he shouted, gesturing a “come hither” motion with his fingers. The Skarmory coughed out the man’s leg and walked over towards his master with blood coursing down his beak. “Put your foot here,” he ordered, pointing at the neck. The Armor Bird Pokemon complied and pressed down on the grunt’s neck with his foot. Without warning, he pressed his two fingers on his forehead, opening the gate to the thug's mind.

    The grunt's incessant screaming and protests fading into the background as his memories surged into his mind, pounding his head like the whitewater rapids dashing a loaded canoe against the rocks. The days the man used to play with that little Skitty plush his parent’s bought him years ago and carry it around with him in his backpack everyday to school. The man's days of drug use and alcohol abuse. The day the thug realized he was attracted to other men. ‘His memories with...me? Those were important to him?’ Rio shrugged and dived deeper into his mind.

    Nothing. No orders, no clues, no nothing, Rio thought. Cyrus had not contacted any of the grunts since before the Mount Coronet Incident. Not even the Commanders made any contact with the grunts.

    Rio felt a sudden coldness strike him at the core. Another memory bore its way into the forefront of his mind. He remembered...walking to the gay bar that was in the news reports just several blocks away from the Poke-Mart. Rio could feel those mens’ frightened stares burn into his heart. Those...those were the faces of the men who were killed...killed in this very bar!

    “Oh, God no. No, no, no, no. No. No!” Rio skrieked. The boy pulled his hands away in disgust, severing the link to the grunt’s mind, and dug the tips of his fingers into the ridge of his skull. He had enough. There was no way he could bear reliving his murders.

    It was too late.

    He felt the man’s poisonous words that cemeted these men’s fates leapt off the tip of his tongue. He remembered feeding those Pokemon...remembered training with them. Flashes of the Pokemon rending their flesh and spilling their blood...the sight of blood trickling down their blades...those cries for help...those blood-curling shrieks...the tears that coursed down their features as their dearests where ripped apart before their eyes. It was almost...almost if he himself condemned these men to die! It felt like he was right there! So close...he felt so close yet couldn’t do anything!

    Breathing noisily and harshly, he swallowed an uncomfortable swallow with thoughts of wringing this man’s neck pounding in tandem to his racing heartbeat. The thug brought himself up on his hands in knees. Noleen and Panzer scurried away in fright as Rio set his eyes on the man below him.

    “Get up.” Rio spat at the bawling grunt.

    No response.

    “Get up!” Rio roared as he grabbed the man by the collar, forced him up on his feet, and rammed him against a brick wall. As the thug tried to recoup, Rio pounded the back of the man’s head against the wall and bore his fingers into the grunt’s forehead, his “markings” pulsating tempestuously.

    “No, don’t! Let me go! I’m sorry! I’m-”

    Before the man could wrest himself out of his hold, Rio pried into his mind, short-circuiting the thug’s cranial nerve reflexes. The man let out a blood-curling scream as Rio quickly dismantled his consciousness. His arms and legs flailed sickeningly, cracking and bending beyond the joints against his will.

    Rio released his hand. Gravity took hold of the grunt’s numbed body and pulled it asunder, leaving the man brain dead with his upper body lurching to the side. Rio felt no satisfaction or accomplishment. He looked over his shoulder to see Noleen rubbing her forearm, looking away from Rio with forlorn eyes. Panzer just stood there lamenting over the scratches on his armor, spitting out the blood in his beak.

    The fifteen-year-old let out a sigh. ‘It had to be done,’ he thought. No point in calling the "clean-up crew" and have him live on life support indefinitely. The thug most certainly did not deserve the sweet release of death in his eyes. Not immediate death, anyways. He walked away from the body and towards the fire escape, unable to quell the aching in his chest.

    Rio recalled Noleen and Panzer back into their Poke-Balls and clipped the minimized capsules to his belt. He walked up the staircase, leaving his ex-comrade’s vegetative body behind to rot and decay.

    Rio stood over the ledge of the building, eyeing the ghetto of Sunny shore City for the first time. The boy drew out his PC Portable and cycled through his data files. He opened the folder of the person who was his only link to Cyrus and the remnants of Team Galactic. This girl defeated the Team Galactic leader and his Commanders on top of Mount Coronet; she, somehow, surived the onslaught of Giratina as nearly half of AEGIS and their Pokemon laid dead on top of Mount Coronet; she, undoubtebly, knew how Cyrus escaped from them as they flanked every tunnel and passageway in the moutain.

    Her name’s Dawn Berlitz, and she’s only eleven years old.

    She knows what happened, Rio thought. ‘I’m sure of it, but I can’t go up to her. I can’t jeopardize the mission or he’ll never-’

    A loud crash echoed in the distance, and Rio turned his head to see a Jolteon leap onto the garbage lid and vault off in one fell swoop, bounce off the frayed mattress in the narrow alley. The Jolteon ran across the crumbling brick wall, hurdling towards the edge of the rooftop where Rio stood. Her chest collided into a protuberance, quickly slipping over the edge. As the Lightning Pokémon scraped and flailed her hind legs against the brick architecture for support, Rio picked up his lemon yellow-furred friend and wrapped his arms underneath her, holding the Jolteon against his warm body as he gave her a congratulatory scratch behind the ears. The spiky yellow fur unravelled as she retracted the negative ions from her mane, leaving her fur silky-smooth for her master’s touch.

    Rio chuckled. ‘She’s going to kill her poor self being so reckless,’ he thought.

    “How’s my favorite girl in the whole wide world?” Rio said, beaming from having his best friend come back from a job well done. “Were you able to find her?”

    The Jolteon nodded.

    He set the Jolteon down and began to massage her with slow, soothing strokes from head to back, repeating “good girl” tenderly into her ears. Eager for her master’s care, she rolled over on her back. Rio then began to rub the eager Pokemon’s tummy. He beamed as Elyse squirmed about in delight like an infant being adored by her doting parents. He wished Elyse would be this affectionate around others. Maybe then they wouldn’t see her as such a pain in the *** to deal with.

    Rio pulled his hand away. “I’m sorry Elyse, but could you let me see where she went?” Elyse nodded. Rio placed his index and middle fingers between his own eyes.

    The Jolteon knew what was coming and rolled over on her stomach and lifted her muzzle. Rio placed the fingers on his other hand between her luminous scarlet eyes as the modus operandi decreed.

    The slender youth delved deep within the confines of his best friend’s mind, flying straight through the chaotic light show of the neural oscillations and plunged his apparition into Elyse’s memory banks. He didn’t need to perform a transfer. He just needed to search for the most recent of memories.

    Four years of memories, good and bad, rushed by like hordes of cyclists zipping past him with blinding speed, riding on without giving him as much as a passing glance. The day she hatched, the struggles she and her clique endured in the wild. The day he came to her and saved her from certain death: the fate that had already befallen her kith and kin- these memories were already burned deep within his subconscious, experiencing and bearing the pain she suffered. The first day he used the technique and viewed her memories, when he was still just a boy on the cusp of adolescence, he burst into tears. He hugged the little Eevee against his body, swearing to one day to alleviate the pain, to give her the love she so desperately sought.

    His father had merely observed from the distance with bemused eyes. He looked up fleetingly from his newspaper, preoccupied with the daily events of this callous existence. Never did his father praise him for getting A’s on his reports or scold him for misbehaving like other parents did. Every attempt to reach out to his father was ignored as though he were living in his own world. Rio had no mother to nourish him, so his father would have him feed himself. All he ever received from him was either a slap across the face or worse.

    Everyone knew that man was horrrible, no matter how many scars lay bare in his skin. Rio had to block out thoughts of him just to retain his sanity. Thoughts of his father crawled through his mind like cockroaches, leaving babies in his bedspread. No matter what ideals for justice his father claimed to embody, he was no better than Cyrus in his eyes. Allies, human and Pokemon alike, were mere paraphernalia to his father. “Extensions of his own power,” he always said. He demanded absolute obedience, like Cyrus. He manipulated the living like puppets, like Cyrus. He spouted nonsensical claims about building a new world for all and had all the desperate little sheep flock around him interpreting his beatitudes like gospels. ‘Same ****, different *******,’ he thought.

    About eight years ago when the resort administrative assistant at a local sales company came up to Rio as he tried to fix himself a bowl of cereal, his trembling hands dropped the bowl in fright. His were eyes sunken. His arms bone thin. She took one good look at his father, the man civilians deemed their savior. The lady grabbed another bowl from the counter, handed it to him, and wished him good fortune. Those frightened eyes and the sycophantic smile plastered across her face was forever burned into his memory like a red hot-iron.

    She just walked away. No calls made. No charges pressed.

    It wasn’t a good time for a pity party. Rio needed to know where Dawn had gone. The mission objective’s life was in jeopardy and he planned to strike first. He couldn’t meet his contact without knowing someone was keeping an eye on her.

    Rio retracted his hand. “Sorry for the soap opera. I’m going to do it again, this time no messing around. You ready?”

    Elyse nodded.

    Rio started up the ritual again, this time he travelled immediately to Elyse’s memory banks.

    He could see everything that happened from Elyse’s eyes. She didn’t stop by for window shopping despite the amount of stores on the block, which seemed unusual for a little girl. The midnight blue-haired girl strolled forlornly through the corporate streets, dragging her feet across the pavement and unwarily weaving through the hectic throng. Numerous screened advertisements blared in the streets, playing simultaneously, with the faces of white-plastic saints and so-called “experts” selling useless ********. These mere details weren’t giving him the information he needed, though. He saw Dawn parting from the consumerist frenzy and waltz inside the Pokemon Center. Rio sighed in relief. ‘As long as she remains there, she’ll be safe from any attackers,’ Rio thought.

    Using generations of profits engendered from brilliant marketing techniques, seasonal tournaments, and kids shows among other things to represent a Trainer’s life as full of fame and new experiences, they built up the Pokemon Centers to accommodate more doctors, Blissey, hospital beds and even established inns, with decent beds and all of the necessities at an economical price which all certified trainers could easily afford to rent.

    ‘All the shows were full of ****,’ he thought. Being forced to sleep out in the woods infested with wild Pokemon living on the bare minimum allotted by the League and being forced to battle or participate in Contests regularly to meet the expense of food, potions, Poke-chow, Poke-balls and all those little necessities? It wasn’t, by any means, fancy living. Not in the slightest.

    Rio, however, had a consistent winning streak. Seventy-eight percent of all Trainers in the world were just hobbyists, which made it easier to keep a steady income from the Pokemon League for his battles. Everyone possessed Trainer’s IDs to carry Pokemon- for self-protection or to own as pets, but to earn a Pokedex and be admitted into the League you must have at least a “C plus” average and two to four years at an Academy or to have gained certification through passing a Trainer’s test that was near impossible by most standards. The test was always changing both the topics and the format. It could not be predicted.

    Rio, after spending nearly six hours a day studying and through rigorous self-discipline, had barely passed the test. Yet, he had did it all without his father’s capital, tutelage, or authority. At the age of eleven, he began his journey.

    Rio was utterly shocked, embarrassed even, to find out that this Dawn Berlitz had gotten a perfect score. He wanted to know more about this prodigy, but discretion was top priority. He couldn’t put her life in peril. He couldn’t let his father know that he was defying him again, attempting to accomplish something that purist despot had botched. He couldn’t let Cyrus harm Dawn in anyway. To sink his switchblade into the *******’s throat and garrote him as he watched him suffocate on his own blood a thousand times over would not be enough to satisfy Rio.

    The automatic doors closed as Dawn entered the building. She was safe for now, but Rio needed to know if she were to leave the Pokemon Center during his meeting. He broke his cerebral communion with Elyse, imbuing his own mind back into his body, and took a Poke-ball from his belt. Enlarging it with the push of a button, he lobbed it over a short distance. As the capsule cracked open, a glorious burst of warm light shot up into the overcast skies. The unconfined accumulation of energy took shape and, with a burst of light, materialized into a Chatot.

    Rio extended his arm. The Music Note Pokemon gently hovered downwards, resting himself on Rio’s wrist. Rio felt a twinge as Amadeus sank his miniature talons into his bare skin.

    ‘Amadeus should be able to fly through the city without drawing too much attention. ‘They’re fairly common here,’ Rio thought. It was best to be as discrete as possible, for both of our sakes.’

    He wasn’t built for actual combat like virtually all Chatot, but in reconnaissance Amadeus’s results were immaculate.

    Using his index finger, Rio began to massage below the little bird’s beak, rubbing below his beak tenderly. Amadeus cooed joyfully to his gentle touch.

    “Listen, I have a very important mission for you,” Rio said.

    The little bird lifted his beak and looked into Rio’s stern eyes. Rio took the Hand-held PC from his pocket and, using his thumb as a stylus, opened the folder containing all of the information and pictures AEGIS, his father’s paramilitary anti-terrorist and law-enforcement agency, had gathered on Dawn Berlitz. He popped up one of her photos and placed the screen directly in front of Amadeus’ eyes.

    “See this girl? She went inside the Poke-Center on the other side of the city. I want to you wait outside the center and watch where she goes if she leaves. Take this,” said Rio as he wrapped a tracking band around Amadeus’ foot. “With this, I can track you with my PokeNav. Watch her when she leaves. Press this with your beak if she gets in trouble. Understand?”

    Amadeus nodded.

    “If she goes to any other building, come back to me immediately. I’ll be over there by that warehouse,” said Rio as he pointed in the southeast direction, where there were two dilapidated shops, one which appeared to have closed off permanently and the other which was going bankrupt. Although Rio acknowledged that he knew nothing of mercantile, being forced to offer free coffee and twenty to fifty-percent off merchandise did not appear a good sign.

    “I have a meeting to attend over there that is of dire importance, but I will not be able to track Dawn. We cannot let her out of our sights. Do you understand?”

    Amadeus nodded.

    Rio jolted his arm up, giving the Music Note Pokemon plenty of thrust, and off Amadeus went, tearing through the blue skies with a dancer’s elegance, letting the music of the wind chart his itinerary as he soared with ease. Rio envied Amadeus’ free-spirited nature. He too wished to just fly above this failing world, to let them all reap what they had sown.

    “Want to race, Elyse?” Rio murmured to Elyse. The Jolteon hopped up and down in joy like a child who had just received the best Christmas gift that anyone could ever get. The hyped up Elyse transmitted electric discharge throughout her body, both spiking up her fur and strengthening the muscles in her legs as she shook with anticipation. It wouldn’t be an actual “race” race, but apparently the word “race” had more of a psychological kick for competitive types like Elyse.

    He took the headphones around his neck off and donned them on his ears.

    ‘All I need is me and my Pokemon,’ Rio thought.

    The world seemed to come to a standstill, then, and Rio pressed the Play button on his PokeNav, letting the flow of the music wash away the dust in the soul of everyday life and brought soothing relief to the burns inside his ears left behind by his father. The thoughts of his father were pushed back. Rio lost himself in the sounds of the harmonious synthesis of operatic and classical symphonies and pulse-quickening guitars backed by heart-stomping drums. Like the painters who carefully painted their pictures on canvas, the musicians painted their pictures on silence.

    Rio stepped over towards the edge where the Lightning Pokemon was. I’ve got my values. Let them keep theirs. It won’t be my fault if society implodes on itself. The youth took a few steps back, assumed a three-point stance, and began to count.

    “One…”

    ‘I just don’t get people.’

    “Two…”

    ‘Never have, never will.’

    “Three!”

    ‘Soon, I’ll have my life back and everything…’
    Last edited by SaigoKarasu; 15th July 2008 at 4:40 AM.
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  2. #2
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    I so want first reply. I really enjoy this story it is dark and has a lot of mystery behind it keep it up. One thing though It kinda sounded like you transfered part of the story over. It is confusing me is this a new chapter or a new and improved version of the original. I was just wondering that because I think that Chatot part I had already read on Before I Forget.
    But anywho keep it up.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brendan_Birch View Post
    I so want first reply. I really enjoy this story it is dark and has a lot of mystery behind it keep it up. One thing though It kinda sounded like you transfered part of the story over. It is confusing me is this a new chapter or a new and improved version of the original. I was just wondering that because I think that Chatot part I had already read on Before I Forget.
    But anywho keep it up.
    Yeah, this is the revised version of the chapter. I'm taking a bit of a break then I'll finish chapter two. Much of the story is already plotted out in my mind.

    Thank you for your comment and I'm glad you enjoy the story!
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    It's advised to not really advertise, and if you really need reviewers, Saigo there is a reviewer request thread in authors cafe. But I will let it slip, this once. As I don't like to get flooded with review requests.

    I don't have much to say about the chapter; it's not bad but it lacks a flair of something, but that will probably appear in the second chapter. And while it felt a bit cut off suddenly at the end, it was written well enough to make up for that. You've also given the pokemon developed enough personalities, it's just the description for them is a bit bland, but then some pokemon are hard to describe. But for the Chatot, atfirst I thought you had given Rio a Unknown.

    I also advise you to be careful with Rio, to keep him from developing into a Gary Stu.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    It's advised to not really advertise, and if you really need reviewers, Saigo there is a reviewer request thread in authors cafe. But I will let it slip, this once. As I don't like to get flooded with review requests.

    I don't have much to say about the chapter; it's not bad but it lacks a flair of something, but that will probably appear in the second chapter. And while it felt a bit cut off suddenly at the end, it was written well enough to make up for that. You've also given the pokemon developed enough personalities, it's just the description for them is a bit bland, but then some pokemon are hard to describe. But for the Chatot, atfirst I thought you had given Rio a Unknown.

    I also advise you to be careful with Rio, to keep him from developing into a Gary Stu.
    Don't worry. I don't plan on turning him into one. In which aspects does he appear Gary-Stuish? For Rio, I had in mind a misanthrope who only opens up to his Pokemon and is incredibly selective about the people he associate's with. I imagined him to be dictatorial, suffers from an inferiority complex, unable to forgive his and other's weaknesses, obstinate, jealous, and resentful.

    I apologize for the whole "reviewer request" and advertisement thing. What you said in the Author's Cafe had me thinking yet I just don't know what it lacks.
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  6. #6
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    You asked, and here I am.

    Description: Like others have said, there are some bright spots (eg. how well Rio interacts with his Jolteon), but it was hard for me to follow. You may want to clarify what is going on so we're not confused.

    Characters: My other concern is Rio--while I'm not asking you to cut his powers out (he is your character, and you are entitled to do with him as you wish), you need to be very careful with the psychic powers. It would help if you explain how he got them, and if any one of the other heroes (if there are any) have them too.

    Plot: Here's where you really shine: Why is Dawn so important to this mission? (if I'm assuming this is the same Dawn in the show) If you are indeed using the same Dawn in the show, will the boys (Ash and Brock) make an appearance?

    Rating:

    So far, you're doing great, but there's still some kinks to work out. Without the kinks, this could well be a Raichu caliber story.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlamingRuby View Post
    You asked, and here I am.

    Description: Like others have said, there are some bright spots (eg. how well Rio interacts with his Jolteon), but it was hard for me to follow. You may want to clarify what is going on so we're not confused.

    Characters: My other concern is Rio--while I'm not asking you to cut his powers out (he is your character, and you are entitled to do with him as you wish), you need to be very careful with the psychic powers. It would help if you explain how he got them, and if any one of the other heroes (if there are any) have them too.

    Plot: Here's where you really shine: Why is Dawn so important to this mission? (if I'm assuming this is the same Dawn in the show) If you are indeed using the same Dawn in the show, will the boys (Ash and Brock) make an appearance?

    Rating:

    So far, you're doing great, but there's still some kinks to work out. Without the kinks, this could well be a Raichu caliber story.
    Thank you for the rating and yes, i'm trying to buff out the kinks in the story.

    Psychic powers isn't all that rare in the Pokemon Universe as a whole as Sabrina stated that everyone has some degree of psychic potential. His powers can be very destructive but also very limited in certain ways (the glowing "markings", something that will come more clear) and may result in serious side effects (getting stuff in there you do not want). His abilities will be elaborated on soon, but I made it clear that these abilities are not to be "spammed" for lack of a better term.

    This is the Dawn from the games. I am not a fan of the anime by any means.

    I thought I made it clear that she was the one who caused critical havoc against Team Galactic and was the person who "defeated" Mars and Jupiter (with Damion's help, like in the games, and he'll show up in the next chapter along with Lucas and Rowan) and fought Cyrus. I won't go into further detail right now to avoid spoilers, but there are some things that changed for plot purposes.

    Further details will be elaborated upon in Rio's meeting with his contact and Dawn's upcoming scene.
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    Yes but in the games, manga and anime, Sabrina had the most potential and had been training for many, many years >.> the power is what's the iffy factor about Rio, for me. And while I trust you won't be spammy with it, it is still something you must take care with in using. That is what I meant by Gary Stu, yes he has all these wonderful character quirks, but it still won't save him if you slip up and blamo, super man, nahanah.. nah..

    I dun much like superman :s

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    Yes but in the games, manga and anime, Sabrina had the most potential and had been training for many, many years >.> the power is what's the iffy factor about Rio, for me. And while I trust you won't be spammy with it, it is still something you must take care with in using. That is what I meant by Gary Stu, yes he has all these wonderful character quirks, but it still won't save him if you slip up and blamo, super man, nahanah.. nah..

    I dun much like superman :s
    Yes, but 92% of the time it never goes beyond the occasional instance of telekinesis and for those 8% have to go through training if they ever desire to go beyond bending a spoon. Rio will not become Superman as he is limited by touch only and his abilities in how he can use them is also limited.
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    Missing? There's nothing much I've caught. Off? Yeah, there was some that I thought was off.

    Basically I think your format was a bit rushed, could be portrayed better. His murder of the grunt had a slightly noir (or something) tone to it, but adding in Rio's thoughts broke it. In my opinion, the murder could've been a prologue, and then, the scene shifts to when Jolteon meets Rio again, in the first chapter. That way, you can take the murder in the third person perspective and improve the description more.

    Description-wise, the length of the sentences depends on the smoothness and duration of the action. What I mean is, Skarmory jumping and breaking into the fence would be smoother, therefore requiring flowing sentences. Short sentences are for those sharp, jumpy actions. Like Skarmory biting the grunt's leg.

    Something like...

    The iron-clad bird rocketed off the ground, his rapidly gyrating body ripping cleanly through the wire fence. Sharp teeth sank through the man's leg, the grunt faltering.
    Or that's just me.

    Also, shiny adjectives add feelings to things.

    A smirk slid onto his twisted lips.
    Otherwise, I think you just gave us a too much plot. etc. XD I'm slightly interested in this plot... and Rio is an interesting character overall. XD Murder... is quite fun to read. =3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Literate View Post
    Missing? There's nothing much I've caught. Off? Yeah, there was some that I thought was off.

    Basically I think your format was a bit rushed, could be portrayed better. His murder of the grunt had a slightly noir (or something) tone to it, but adding in Rio's thoughts broke it. In my opinion, the murder could've been a prologue, and then, the scene shifts to when Jolteon meets Rio again, in the first chapter. That way, you can take the murder in the third person perspective and improve the description more.

    Description-wise, the length of the sentences depends on the smoothness and duration of the action. What I mean is, Skarmory jumping and breaking into the fence would be smoother, therefore requiring flowing sentences. Short sentences are for those sharp, jumpy actions. Like Skarmory biting the grunt's leg.

    Something like...



    Or that's just me.

    Also, shiny adjectives add feelings to things.



    Otherwise, I think you just gave us a too much plot. etc. XD I'm slightly interested in this plot... and Rio is an interesting character overall. XD Murder... is quite fun to read. =3
    A too much plot? XD

    Anyways, thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.
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    Oooh, I was looking for good fics that were lacking reviews and found this little gem. Very well written and enjoyable to read! Is this your first fic at Serebii or do you have any others? I can't seem to find the "Find all threads by _____" in this new facebookesque format Serebii has taken on.

    I'm going to begin my review by telling you that you can bypass the censors by making the first letter of the swear word verdana (font=verdana)(/font) except replace () with []. I've always found asteriks kind of distracting and annoying. Although if you are going to use swears, try and keep yourself from using them too gratuitously, a lesson I had to learn myself when writing.

    On to the meat of the matter, you have a very engaging writing style and I give you props for that. It flows very well and goes at a nice quick pace most of the time. One thing I would watch out for is sometimes your scenes drag on a bit too long (but coming from me, it's definitely the pot calling the kettle black). It's so hard to cut paragraphs/sentences of your writing because you grow so fond of it because you realize its your creation. I still haven't gotten the hang of condensing my work, personally. But sometimes brevity can be a good thing, but that's your call to make when you reread a chapter and decide what's better in the long run with a stronger focus and what would be better if it just kinda went by quickly, so I can't really pinpoint specific areas I would suggest condensing.

    I'm more of a detail man than a description man and you're good at throwing in lots of good details in your writing that gives it that special feel. Here are a few:

    The days the man used to play with that little Skitty plush his parent’s bought him years ago and carry it around with him in his backpack everyday to school.
    I LOLed. Also I suppose in a more literary sense it shows his innocence before he became evil. Foil or whatever the literary term is.

    The sycophantic smile plastered across her face was burned into his memory like a red hot-iron.
    Sycophant is like the ultimate big word

    off Amadeus went, tearing through the blue skies with a dancer’s elegance, letting the music of the wind chart his itinerary as he soared with ease.
    Really amplifies that care-free feel in which you described the pokemon


    Plot sounds interesting, I love Rio's memory manipulation powers. I don't know if thats an original idea or has some basis in the pokemon world, but does make a cool power and I particularly enjoyed the mind invasion scenes. Nice pokemon as well, you really gave character to that Jolteon! This Dawn chick isn't the same one from the anime, is she? I don't watch it anymore, but I remember there's a Dawn chick now.

    Now I've never played Pokemon Diamond/Pearl and have no clue who Team Galaxy is, do I need more of a solid background of knowledge in those areas to be able to follow along the plot of the fic? I'm not a believer in the "fics should be directed towards general audiences" philosophy, so I have no problem if I wouldn't be able to or would need more background information.

    You gotta good fic going on, keep up the good work!
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    Quote Originally Posted by IceKing View Post

    You gotta good fic going on, keep up the good work!
    Thank you for the constructive comments and yes, this is the Dawn from the games as I detest the anime.

    Yeah, looking up Team Galactic would be a good idea.

    I'll see if that "bypass censorship" thing works. Thank you for the assistance!
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    Quote Originally Posted by IceKing View Post
    I'm going to begin my review by telling you that you can bypass the censors by making the first letter of the swear word verdana (font=verdana)(/font) except replace () with []. I've always found asteriks kind of distracting and annoying. Although if you are going to use swears, try and keep yourself from using them too gratuitously, a lesson I had to learn myself when writing.
    Examples of this would be rather nice. I took a look at the sentence you given me and I saw too many clauses in the sentence. Sometimes a slower pace helps the reader when there isn't immediate action going on.
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    I'm just a tad late huh? Well things are rough, so I dont have the greatest or longest review for ya. However, I did think this fic was quite a nice read. I'm not much for myster/dark fics, but this one was a nice exception. The first chapter did lack a little...well I can't specify it. I think it lacked the neccessary action and 'bang' a first chapter needs. Not to say it didnt have action, but you really didn't 'hit the ground running' so to speak. I also have to agree with the majority of Iceking's and Literate's reviews.

    Basically I think your format was a bit rushed, could be portrayed better. His murder of the grunt had a slightly noir (or something) tone to it, but adding in Rio's thoughts broke it. In my opinion, the murder could've been a prologue, and then, the scene shifts to when Jolteon meets Rio again, in the first chapter. That way, you can take the murder in the third person perspective and improve the description more.
    Pretty much agreed. Things were kinda choppy and hard to follow.

    Either way, I do like Rio and Jolteon, not to mention your interpretation of Dawn from the games. I think this was an intresting read, so throw me on the pm list.

    How did you find me to review this anyway? Or rather, why did you choose me?

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    Guys, I fixed up some parts that seemed a bit too confusing and made some more progress on chapter two. Let me know if there's anything else that needs fixing.
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    Guys, I fixed up some parts that seemed a bit too confusing and made some more progress on chapter two. Let me know if there's anything else that needs fixing.
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  18. #18
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    Cool Hold the presses! Review incoming!

    No use wasting time and words... let's do this!

    GRAMMAR:

    pulsating with its own heartbeat.
    The man looked up at Rio
    Rio could feel those men’s frightened stares burn into his heart.
    Rio shrieked. The boy pulled his hands
    the man’s poisonous words that cemented these men’s fates
    she, somehow, survived the onslaught of Giratina as nearly half of AEGIS and their Pokemon lay dead on top of Mount Coronet; she, undoubtedly, knew how Cyrus escaped from them as they flanked every tunnel and passageway in the mountain.
    Everyone knew that man was horrible
    Hmm... it’s a start. Not a bad start at all... I’m tempted to give you an A and hope that your keyboard cooperates next time. I guess we’ll have to settle for an A- and look to a progressive future.

    CAST:

    Rio, the first protagonist of a review request fic that is a psychic. I’d have thought psychics had an unprecedented level of cool and self-control. Guess I was wrong... Rio has a dark, anti-hero side to him that sends chills of expectancy up my spine. He has less of the superhero protagonist and more of a Dark Batman-like persona. Nice.

    Elyse, Amadeus, Panzer and Noleen also seem devoted to their trainer, after all, he cares for them also. I can sympathize with his outlook on humanity. I gave up understanding people long ago... now I let them try to understand me.

    A great start on the character front, well deserving of an A.

    DESCRIPTION:

    Wow. Everything’s ultra vivid to me, from the mind link to Rio’s otherworldly murderous M.O. What I found to be a little vague was the markings on his palm and what Rio actually looks, sounds and dresses like. But other than that, I can’t find anything to complain about.

    B+.

    PLOT:

    Rio’s past is going to be a major plot device and twister as far as I can tell. Not having the best of dads, only to be replaced by someone like Cyrus must be rough... not to mention intriguing to find out more on.

    His fixation on Dawn is also intriguing, as he doesn’t seem to be your regular vigilante to save a girl without some other motive. There must be more to the connection than meets the eye.

    Arrgh... me expectancy killeth me. A.

    LENGTH:

    Decent. Perfect for this kind of fic. None too compromised for the sake of description and not too long, although I welcome a tome as much as a sketch.

    In the words of my comrade, Divinity_123, A’ tharrr...

    OVERALL:

    In closing, all I feel prudent to advise you on is to work on your description more and run a spell check before posting.

    So, hopefully, we’ve got a good thing going on here. This should let you know how good:

    L@er!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    No use wasting time and words... let's do this!

    DESCRIPTION:

    Wow. Everything’s ultra vivid to me, from the mind link to Rio’s otherworldly murderous M.O. What I found to be a little vague was the markings on his palm and what Rio actually looks, sounds and dresses like. But other than that, I can’t find anything to complain about.

    I appreciate the review and already have made those grammatical changes. I'll be giving more detail towards his appearance soon however there is a time and place for it and it is not now. I prefer to do so through another character's eyes or some other method.

    Your review was indeed most inspiring. Thank you very much.
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    I pretty much scrapped the project. Too much going on.
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