13th November 2014, 3:52 PM
Pokemon:Attack of the Psuedos
I am a noob here and also a noob to writing.This is my first attempt to write.Do feel free to criticise the story.
-------POKEMON:ATTACK OF THE PSUEDOS------
"NOOOOOO !" Cried Ash in sheer shock.But it was now too late.Arceus has used its Judgment and killed all humans left on earth expect him.Arceus was in a rampage and it had decided to kill all of its creations.Pokemon were to be the next on its agenda.Ash could only weep as he realised he was now the last human left.His allies Red,Gold,Ruby,Diamond,Ethan and X had all died battling but they had succeeded in killing all of the legendary pokemons who were out of control.Many of his own pokemon had also died in the chaos.He now stood there only with his beloved Pikachu,Charizard and Sceptile on the top of Mt.Silver.Alongside them was Mew and his old friend Mewtwo.They the only survivors of the Arceus's destruction.
Then Arceus powered up for another judgment time to kill all the pokemons.Right then,the unexpected happened.Mew,the ancestor of all pokemons made the ultimate sacrifice.It jumped onto Arceus and used an explosion,using all its mighty power.The power of the explosion was so intense that it rocked the face of the earth and caused a short earthquake.The explosion resulted in the demise of both Mew and Arceus.
Neither Ash,the last human or his pokemons could survive the blast.They all were caught in the immense energy of the explosion and death came calling for them.Only Mewtwo had the power to endure the giant explosion.He too was badly injured by it and fainted in an instant.
Sometime later,the injured Mewtwo stood up as tears flowed from his eyes.He left out an agonising cry as he wept on.He then looked from the top of Mt.Silver to the valley of kanto.Sights of injured and frightened pokemon,smoke arising from blazing flames,dead boadies of pokemons and their human trainers.What he saw was unbearable for him.He realised that he had to be strong and that he was now the only hope for pokemon left in the world.
Last edited by Adil7; 13th November 2014 at 4:27 PM.
13th November 2014, 4:24 PM
It was a relatively calm evening in Ferry.The temperature was neither too hot,nor too cold.The vast supply of berries had become a blessing to everyone and especially to the group of Snorlax.The Pidgeottos,Swellows and Staraptors were returning from their hunts.The Baraviaries and Talonflames where seen feeding the young Rufflets and Fletchings.
A Charmander and a Treecko were walking through a small pathway that led to their playground."We are late again.I can't believe it.Its all thanks to you and your slow eating Dracu"Said the angry Treecko."Well,I wasn't the one who got us late from Battle School.If it wasn't for you Draco,I would've finished my berries right on time to get to the playground"."Let's not start a silly argument.Let's get there fast.Last one to the play ground is a rotten Eggxecutor".Draco started dashing the instant he finished the sentence."Oh brother,you constantly have to prove that you are faster than me" Dracu also ran,even when he knew he couldn't beat his fast brother.
Dracu and Draco were twin brothers.Their father was Alex,one of the leaders of Ferry.Their mother was Selena,Another leader of Ferry and a Sceptile.Their parents were a well respected couple.
As darkness approached the brothers headedto their home.They were exhausted from playing football.Dracu was seemingly more happier.He had scored 2 goals today and asissted for 1."Today was a lot of fun.Football is a great game aint it ?" Said Dracu.But Draco wasn't listening to him at all.He was lost in his own thoughts.He was thinking of something else and it pissed off the Young Treecko."Are you even listening ?".Draco suddenly woke up from his thoughts and said"Sorry.I was thinking about our tournament next saturday"."Don't worry brother,we'll win it no matter what.I think you and I will make a great team.Don't overthink about it"."Sure hope your words become true.We should practise for it right from tomorrow morning.We need to think of some battle strategies and work them out.""I sure hope we don't disappoint our parents.We don't want to cause any bad reputation for them"."Yeah.but we should hurry up now.Mom and Dad won't be happy seeing us late again."
Elsewhere a Salamence and a Garachomp were taking hold of the two of the stones on the wall of an ancient Castle.The Garchomp laughed said"Finally we have found the key to unlock our next step of our evolution.Now nothing can stand in our way".The Salamence produced a smile and gave a look to the vast region of Ferry in front of them and said"We have found the final piece to complete our puzzle.Now we will rule them ALL !".
13th November 2014, 11:47 PM
Hate to say this, but this doesn't meet our minimum length requirements. As mentioned in the rules, all chapters need to be at least two pages long. This is to make sure there's a certain level of quality in all our stories here by discouraging people from writing directly on the forums. Right now, neither of these chapters are more than a page long, even if you inserted a lot of line breaks here. (We'll talk about that in just a sec.) For that reason, I'm afraid I'll have to close this.
Before I do, I'd also like to recommend a couple of things. First off, if you're writing your chapters directly on the forums (as I've mentioned just a moment ago—and I mean as in, you're writing your chapters in the Quick Reply box or whatnot), get out of that habit. What you'll want to do instead is find a word processor, such as Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, or Google Drive. The last one is completely online, just in case you're worried about saving your work on a family computer. Write your story on one of those and then copy and paste your chapters after you've spent a lot of time on them into the reply box here.
Second, take your time as well. A lot of your scenes go by very quickly, and you could definitely add a lot more to your chapters to meet that minimum length. For example, when Arceus used Judgment, what did it look like? How did it kill off only the humans? Was there a lot of fire? A lot of cities getting destroyed?
Putting it another way, whenever you write, you picture what you want to write in your head, yeah? Well, your job as a writer is to put what's in your head into words so that someone who isn't you can imagine what you're thinking. So if you're imagining that Ash is standing in a field screaming as he's watching white light rain down and start a bunch of fires everywhere, you'll want to say that, rather than sum it up with "Arceus used Judgment to kill all the humans." Granted, in some cases, sure, you could make it be that simple, but it's worth it to practice writing down what's in your head and then figure out what is and isn't too much, you know?
Third, proofread, definitely. Remember that whenever the speaker changes (as in, whenever a new character speaks), you need to begin a new paragraph, and online, that means hitting the enter key twice. That will also help you hit the minimum chapter length. But more than that, there were a lot of simple errors in terms of punctuation and even spelling of Pokémon's names, so all in all, I'd just recommend being a bit more careful. If you don't know how to spell a name, feel free to look it up, and don't be afraid to look at other people's fics or guides to figure out how things are formatted. (I know this part of the commentary's a bit on the short side, but I don't want to overwhelm you here.)
Point is, you're new, so it's cool to see that you're making an effort. And I really wish I could keep this open so you could keep learning, but hopefully, you'll take the above advice, hook yourself up with the proper writing tools, and start doing a bit of reading to begin piecing things together. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. In the meantime, like I said, I'll have to close this, but feel free to try again once you're ready.