Results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: Turbulent Waters [Pokéshipping, Handymanshipping; PG-13]

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    352

    Default Turbulent Waters [Pokéshipping, Handymanshipping [kinda]; PG-13]

    Hey, guys. This is my first fanfiction, so I'm still really new to this. Please, by all means, be completely honest in your reviews. I'd love for you all to review my grammar harshly; I really want to improve in that area. Thanks!

    Chapter One: Phone Call

    Fiery cerulean optics scanned the pool inside the Cerulean Gym. The water’s crystal clear appearance was truly breathtaking, and it showed off the hard work the Leader had put in to make the Gym up to par. On the water rested several platforms. They were randomly placed along the surface – some were circles, others were rectangles, some were orange, and some were blue. On one side of the Cerulean pool was the Leader, Misty. She was clothed in a goldenrod colored tank top, and short blue jean shorts with red straps at the top that came to her shoulders and back down again. Her feet were above orange flip flops. Her hair was a light orange color, which was tied sloppily in a pony tail by a blue hair scrunchy. On the opposite side of the pool lay her challenger, Harrison of Littleroot Town, Hoenn. Harrison was clothed in a fuchsia and magenta colored sweater and tanned capri pants. Harrison himself wore no shoes, in case the water from the pool splashed them. The referee for the Gym match was Misty’s sister, Violet.

    “Okay, like, is everyone ready to start the Gym Battle? You all know it’s a three on three Pokémon battle, right? And, like, the challenger, Harrison,” Violet winked at him, “is allowed to change Pokémon, while Misty is not.” Violet said.

    Harrison and Misty nodded in unison, each one of them anxious about the battle.

    “Ok, then! The battle between Misty of the Cerulean City Gym and Harrison of Littleroot Town will now be underway! Unless, like, you guys need more time…” Violet shouted.

    “I won’t lose, Harrison! You may have a lot of Johto and Hoenn Gym badges, but you’ll never beat a water Pokémon master like me!” Misty shouted. She tried to act cool, even though she knew Harrison was a pretty impressive trainer. He managed to defeat Ash…

    I have to win… I need to win… For Ash.

    “Be prepared for the fight of your life, Misty!” Harrison shouted back.

    Misty gritted her teeth; she knew this was a battle she might not win. “Starmie, come on out!”

    Misty threw her Pokéball towards a platform floating on the pool. In a flash of white light, a beautiful purple Starmie emerged, making an alien-like cry. Its central core gleamed as it reflected light coming in from the windows of the Gym. A sense of pride overcame Misty. No way is going to beat my Starmie… She thought to herself.

    “Mantine, make me proud!” Harrison shouted as he threw his own Pokéball into the waters to the pool. In a flash of white light, a dark cloud emerged under the surface of the cerulean colored water.

    “Round one: Starmie vs Mantine. Begin!”

    “Ladies first,” Harrison said with a wink.

    “Starmie, dive underwater and use tackle on Mantine!” On command, Starmie jumped into the water core first, and went spiraling towards Mantine, its body twirling at high speeds.

    “Mantine, get out of the way and use Bubblebeam!” Harrison commanded.

    Mantine swam away from Starmie’s spinning form as fast as it could, and sent a large amount of bubbles its way.

    Recalling her battle with Molly in Johto, Misty decided it was better to defend then launch another attack. “Starmie, counter with Light Screen,”

    With another alien-like cry, Starmie erected a yellowish barrier that protected it from the Bubblebeam, this caused Misty to smirk.

    “Mantine, retaliate with Take Down!” Harrison shouted as he tried to gain the upper hand.
    Mantine started to swim towards Starmie, picking up speed quickly. By now, Starmie destroyed the Light Screen and was wide open to an attack. WHAM! The attack connected, sending Starmie hurtling through the water, eventually causing it to slam into the wall of the pool.

    Misty was shocked, she didn’t know Harrison’s Mantine was so powerful. “Starmie, use Ice Beam on Mantine!” Misty said. She knew that it would freeze Mantine, giving her the round.

    Once the weakened Starmie’s Ice Beam impacted Harrison’s Mantine, it froze.

    “Mantine is unable to battle! Round one to Misty,” Violet said, as she gave her sister a thumbs up.

    “Starmie, you fought well, take a nice long rest.” Misty said sympathetically as she withdrew her Pokémon into its Pokéball.

    “Mantine, you did awesome.” Harrison said as he recalled his Pokémon, his green eyes filled with worry.

    “Go, Corsola!” Misty shouted as she released her Pokémon in a blinding white light. Her cerulean eyes filled with pride.

    “It’s not over yet, Misty! Go, Magneton!” Harrison said confidently as he released his second Pokémon.

    “Round two: Corsola vs Magneton. Begin!”

    “Corsola, use Bubblebeam on Magneton!” Misty shouted. She hoped that her Corsola could take the electric-type.

    Her Corsola spat out countless bubble out of its little pink mouth, and they zoomed towards Magneton at an amazing rate.

    Harrison’s pink lips formed a smile when he knew he would win this round. “Magneton, use Tri Attack, and then Zap Canon.” Harrison said nonchalantly.

    Harrison’s Magneton unleashed its Tri Attack. A blue, red, and yellow beam shot out of the center of the Pokémon and connected with the Bubblebeam, destroying them all.

    “No,” Misty said, gritting her teeth. Her heart started to beat fast, as she knew what was in store for her Corsola. Hey, wait! Doesn’t Corsola know Mirror Coat?! Oh, yeah! It does! Heh, Harrison’s in for a surprise. She thought to herself.

    After the Tri Attack countered the Bubblebeam, Magneton fired a huge ray of electricity directly towards Corsola. The smirk on Harrison’s face got bigger.

    “Corsola, counter with Mirror Coat,” Misty shouted nervously. She didn’t know if Corsola was strong enough to handle an attack that powerful.

    “Corsola! Cors!” Her Pokémon said as it charged up its Mirror Coat. It was too late. Zap Canon had already collided with Corsola before it could use Mirror Coat, instantly knocking it out.

    “Corsola!” Misty shrieked. She was appalled at how fast Magneton’s Zap Canon was.

    “Corsola is not able to battle! Round two to Harrison,” Violet said, winking at Harrison again.

    “Corsola, you deserve a nice, long rest.” Misty said, recalling her Pokémon in a flash of red light.

    “Magneton, you did a fantastic job.” Harrison said as he withdrew his own Pokémon into its Pokéball.

    “C’mon out, Gyarados!” Misty called, confident of victory this round. Her cerulean eyes transfixed on Harrison. Seeing him brought back memories of her journey of Johto with Ash. I wonder what Ash is doing now. Probably another Gym battle in the Hoenn region… God do I miss that boy. She thought to herself.

    “Electabuzz, it’s all you!” Harrison called as he released his last Pokémon from its Pokéball.

    “Round three: Gyarados vs Electabuzz. Begin!”

    “Alright, Electabuzz, Gyarados is really weak to electric-type moves, so let’s use Rain Dance!” Harrison called, sure of victory.

    Rain started to fall inside the Gym, making little ripples in the pool as the collided with the water.

    “My hair!” Violet screeched as she was hit with water droplets.

    Misty was dumbfounded. Why did Harrison just use an attack that strengthens water-type moves? Oh, well. Misty concluded, Might was well take advantage of it!

    “Gyarados, use Hydro Pump!” On Misty’s command, Gyarados shot a jet of aquamarine colored water straight towards Electabuzz. Strengthened by Rain Dance, Hydro Pump could knock out Electabuzz in one hit if it connected. Misty was sure of victory.

    “Electabuzz, Protect, then Thunder.” Harrison said with a smirk.

    “Buzz!” Electabuzz called, and raised a shield the color of granite. Instead of hitting Electabuzz, like Misty had wanted, it connected with Protect. Hydro Pump practically bounced off the barrier and headed down into the depths of the pool. Misty’s last hope had failed. What seemed like victory was really a trick. Once Thunder hit her Gyarados, it was over.

    “Buzz! Electabuzz!” It screeched as it called bolts of lightning from the sky down on Gyarados, each one of them surprisingly large and fierce. With one strike of the Thunder attack, Gyarados was knocked out. Misty lost.

    “Gyarados is unable to battle! Round three to Harrison,” Violet was too preoccupied with her hair to give a flirtatious remark to Harrison.

    Misty recalled her Gyarados without the typical ‘take a nice rest’ remark that she usually made.

    “I failed you, Ash. I-I’m so sorry…” Misty whispered.

    Harrison withdrew his Electabuzz. Joy overcame him. His second Gym Badge in Kanto region was his! “Hey, Misty,” Harrison called, “great battle! You had me worried a few times there!”

    “T-thanks… Congrats on winning the Cascadebadge, you better win the whole Indigo League!” She said, trying to sound happy for him.

    She began to walk towards him, her footsteps echoing rhythmically in the Gym while her flip flops made a squeaking sound when they collided with her foot. As she walked, she could hear Violet fumble with her hair, as it was still messed up from that Rain Dance attack. Upon reaching him, her cerulean eyes met with his for a mere moment. Misty then turned her attention to her pockets, where she was looking for her badge. After what seemed like forever, she finally found it.

    “Ah, here you are. One Cascadebadge,” Misty said with a weak smile as she handed him the tear-shaped badge.

    “Thank you so very much, Misty!” Harrison exclaimed. He happily walked away from her as he tucked his new badge away in a special case that was shaped like a Pokéball and contained eight slots.

    After Harrison exited the Gym, the orange-haired Leader decided she would see how Lily and Daisy were doing. She began to walk towards the door leading to the living area of the Cerulean Gym, her hair bouncing up and down in the loose pony tail as she walked.

    As she battled one of Ash’s old rivals, she couldn’t help but feel depressed. It brought of great memories, laughs, love, and friendship. Those days were over, though, and Misty knew it. Every day she always was wondering how Ash was, and what Ash was doing. Despite them being close friends, she still didn’t keep in touch with him very well. Sure, they still talked… But it wasn’t like old times. Nothing was like old times…

    The sound of her sister Lily’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts about the old times.

    “Misty, you, like, have a message from one of your friends.” She called from the couch.

    “Really?” Misty’s cerulean eyes lit up with hope. “Who?”

    “Uh… your boyfriend, Ash, I think” She called, flipping through the channels on the television.

    “Ugh! He’s not my boyfriend, Lily! We’re just friends, okay?!” Misty called, her temper rising.

    “Yeah, whatever, his message is still on the phone if you’re interested.” Lily said, partially engrossed in one of her soap operas.

    “Oh, Lily, by the way, where’s Daisy? I don’t see her around.” Misty asked quizzically.

    “Last I heard she’s getting something to eat with Tracey. They’ve been spending an awful lot of time together, you know. Do you think they’re a co--?” Lily answered, not looking away from her show.

    Misty was heading towards the phone and didn’t pay much attention to what her sister was saying. Pressing the little message button on their Shelder phone, she listened intently to the message.
    ”Hey, Misty! I haven’t spoken to you in a while. How are you? Anyway, I called because I wanted to tell you that Mossdeep City is holding a water Pokémon competition, and I was wondering you’re going to it. May, Max, and Brock say hi and wish you the best. Oh, and so does Pikachu, hah! Anyway, please call me back, and I hope you’re going. It’d be great to see you again. I’ve missed you, you know. Anyway, gotta go. I’m challenging the Gym Leaders in a few minutes. Bye!”

    “Oh, Ash,” Misty said, her eyes staring at the phone as the message ended.
    Instantly she began debating on whether or not she should go, although, if she had decided to stay, her heart really would not have let her.

    It’s not like I’d be going for nothing… I’d be training for future Gym Battles. She thought to herself.

    “Hey, Lily,” Misty said, glancing over at her sister who was still glued to the television.

    “What?” Lily asked in annoyance.

    “Would you mind looking after the Gym for a few weeks? I have to take care of something in Hoenn.” Misty said, her heart full of hope.
    Last edited by Caelesti; 30th June 2008 at 5:39 PM.
    [IMG]http://i47.*******.com/k4dpxc.gif[/IMG]
    the dancing that captivated my heart;
    your selfishly nice gestures, the breathtaking sexiness you have
    those flashing gestures ;;; it makes me lose my breath -- x . x . x

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,099

    Default

    Really nice. I like how Misty was trying to win for Ash. Harrisom sounds like a pretty good trainer and afterall electric does have an advantage against water.

    And Handymanshipping sounds nice. I'll be eagar to read more.

    “Uh… your boyfriend, Ash, I think” She called, flipping through the channels on the television.

    “Ugh! He’s not my boyfriend, Lily! We’re just friends, okay?!” Misty called, her temper rising.

    “Yeah, whatever, his message is still on the phone if you’re interested.” Lily said, partially engrossed in one of her soap operas.

    “Oh, Lily, by the way, where’s Daisy? I don’t see her around.” Misty asked quizzically.

    “Last I heard she’s getting something to eat with Tracey. They’ve been spending an awful lot of time together, you know. Do you think they’re a co--?” Lily answered, not looking away from her show.
    I like this part of the fic, the characters are very much in character and also it's rather cute at the very same time.


    ☆ Maya Fey: Ace Pokemon Trainer
    Carry On, BlisseyThe Other King☆
    Advancers Tumblr
    Banner by Sworn Metalhead at Dćdric Design ✠

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    352

    Default

    Thanks! Yeah, Harrison did beat Ash in the Johto League, after all.
    -nod- I'll get some hints and stuff about Handymanshipping in my next few chapters.

    Thank again for reviewing. I'll post chapter two later this week.
    [IMG]http://i47.*******.com/k4dpxc.gif[/IMG]
    the dancing that captivated my heart;
    your selfishly nice gestures, the breathtaking sexiness you have
    those flashing gestures ;;; it makes me lose my breath -- x . x . x

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    The Giant Mitten
    Posts
    4,506

    Default

    Damn, it's been ages since I read a Pokeshipping fic - and it has Handymanshipping, too! =D <3

    Ooh, Harrison. I wasn't expecting him at all. It does make sense, though, with the setting and everything. The battle sounded like something would happen in the anime, and I enjoyed reading it. I loled at the part with Violet. Ash's message was really sweet, and Misty's reaction was classic. xD

    I really like where this is going! I can't wait for Misty to meet up with Ash and everyone, and I'm really interested in the Handymanshipping. I don't really see anywhere you could improve, everything sounds just fine to me. So, yeah. Good job! I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
    Currently a little busy. I'll respond to all messages when I can.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    133

    Default

    I like this so far and am interested in seeing where it will go. Pokeshipping is, of course, my favorite ship, but I lvoe Handymanshipping, too, so I'm excited that this story is going to contain both!

    I really like how Misty really wanted to win for Ash; that seems like it would definitely be the case. Violet freaking out about her hair was funny and in character. I also think Ash's message to Misty was cute.

    OK, so you want us to comment on your grammar. I honestly didn't notice a whole lot of errors, but there were a couple of things.

    Misty was shocked, she didn’t know Harrison’s Mantine was so powerful.
    This is a run-on sentence. It can be fixed in a few ways.
    "Misty was shocked; she didn't know Harrison's Mantine was so powerful."
    "Misty was shocked. She didn't know Harrison's Mantine was so powerful."
    "Misty was shocked becuase she didn't know Harrison's Mantine was so powerful."

    “Starmie, you fought well, take a nice long rest.” Misty said sympathetically...
    You should use a comma instead of a period after dialogue. (An exclamation mark is fine, though.) I noticed that you did use a comman sometimes, so you just need to be consistent with that.

    You can describe what the characters are wearing in more clever ways. For example:

    She began to walk towards him, her footsteps echoing rhythmically in the Gym while her flip flops made a squeaking sound when they collided with her foot.
    This could be changed to, "She began to walk towards him, her footsteps echoing rhythmically in the Gym while her orange flip flops made a squeaking sound when they collided with her foot."

    If you do things like this the story flows better and it doesn't seem like you're just listing everything the characters are wearing.

    Those are really the only suggestions I can think of making, since there aren't a lot of errors (and the last thing wasn't even really an error, just a suggestion). I honestly don't know why you're so worried about grammar; you're grammar is good, and certainly much better than what I usually see in fanfiction!

    Anyway, I'll be on the lookout for the next chapter.
    Milotic on fanfiction.net.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    352

    Default

    Thanks for the comments, guys! I'm not sure if I kept Ash in character this chapter, but I guess you'll have to be the judge of that.

    -

    Chapter Two: Defeat

    “The battle between the challenger, Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town, and the Mossdeep Gym Leaders, Tate and Liza, will now commence. It will be a double battle; the challenger will use two Pokémon, and the Gym Leaders will both use one. There is no time limit to the match. If the challenger wins, he will earn the Mind badge.”

    “Heh,” The young trainer from Pallet Town said to himself, his amber eyes staring into the deep blue eyes of one of his opponents, Tate. “This shouldn’t be too tough…”

    “Good luck, Ash!” Called a Pokémon Coordinator from the stands, her own blue eyes filled with anticipation.

    “Go get ‘em, Pikachu, you, too, Grovyle!” Ash called, throwing a red and white ball onto the battlefield. In a blaze of white light, a green serpent-like Pokémon appeared. Ash’s Pikachu, a Pokémon that was previously standing next to his trainer, moved to the left side of the battle field.

    “Pikachu, Pika!”

    “Grove! Grovyle!” It shouted as it maneuvered to get next to its battle partner.

    “Lunatone! Solrock! Come to us!” Liza and her brother shouted in unison, throwing their Pokéballs into the air. In more flashes of white light, the two rock-type Pokémon became visible. One was shaped like the symbol for the moon, the other, like the sun. They both emitted light alien-like screeches from their forms as they took their spots on the battle field.

    “Begin the battle!”

    “You can start it off, Ash,” Tate and Liza said in unison. Their voices mimicked the melody and harmony in a song, as they complimented each other well.

    “Pikachu, use Thunderbolt on Lunatone! Grovyle, use Leaf Blade on Solrock!” Ash shouted, hoping to end the match quickly.

    “Lunatone, counter with Light Screen, shield yourself from the Thunderbolt attack.” Liza said with confidence. “Solrock, dodge the Leaf Blade and try your Sunny Day attack, okay?” Tate commanded.

    On command, Pikachu shot yellow bolts of electricity from its form straight at Lunatone, and Grovyle’s arm turned to a deeper shade of green and extended into a knife-like structure. Grovyle then started to charge towards his enemy, Solrock.

    As its master willed, Lunatone summoned a silver colored barrier that was at least double the size of Lunatone itself. It did it just in time, too. The Thunderbolt collided with the barrier a few seconds after it was created, and it was stopped in its tracks. Solrock, on the other hand, shot upwards towards the sky, dodging the Leaf Blade. The Solrock then began to call upon the power of Sunny Day, making the sun shine even brighter than before. Its rays now penetrated the metal roof that previously shielded the inside of the Gym. A smirk crossed the young Gym Leader’s lips.

    “This isn’t good…” Brock said, his eyes filled with worry.

    “Huh? Why isn’t it good, Brock?” The blue eyed Coordinator asked.

    “Sunny Day powers up the strength of fire-type attacks, and Grovyle, being a grass-type, is weak to fire attacks.” Brock answered.

    “Uh-oh…” The brother of the Coordinator commented, his eyes scanning the field behind his glasses.

    “Pikachu, use Iron Tail on Solrock! Grovyle, try your Bullet Seed on Solrock!” Ash called to his Pokémon, trying to gain the upper hand.

    As soon as Ash was done talking, Pikachu began to run towards the descending Solrock, its tail turning a thick silver color. Grovyle began firing yellow bullets from its mouth at Solrock, each one landing at its target.

    “Solrock!” Tate screamed. “Hey, sis, how about some help over here?!”

    “Uh… okay,” Liza said, her eyes flickering towards Pikachu. “Lunatone,” Liza said as she turned to face her Pokémon, “try an Ice Beam on that rat for me?”

    “Tone!” Lunatone shouted as it fired a ray of sub-zero ice. The ray zoomed towards the electric mouse, connecting with its form after only a few moments of travel.

    “Pika!” Pikachu screeched as it was being frozen solid.

    “Pikachu!” Ash screamed in horror. “Urgh, Grovyle, use Bullet Seed on Lunatone to stop the Ice Beam!”

    On command, Grovyle began firing seeds at the moon Pokémon in desperation.

    “Solrock, use Flamethrower to roast Grovyle!” Tate commanded. A smirk formed on the young Gym Leader’s face.

    “Sol! Solrock!” It screamed as it launched a beam of flames straight at the grass lizard. With the sun shining, Flamethrower’s power was doubled.

    “This doesn’t look good…” Brock commented, turning away from the battle for a second. He couldn’t bear to see what would happen to Grovyle.

    Flamethrower connected with Grovyle a few moments after Brock turned away. Grovyle was blow backwards as it was hit with the flames, knocking it out altogether.

    “Grovyle!” Ash screamed in terror. His heart sank as he knew what was about to happen. He was about to lose a Gym match. Glancing over at Pikachu, he could see that he was completely frozen by Lunatone’s Ice Beam.

    “Both Pikachu and Grovyle are unable to battle! The winners are Tate and Liza!”

    “N-no…” Ash said as his whole body was filled with sadness. If I can’t beat them, I can’t compete in the Hoenn league. Then… I-I can’t be a Pokémon Master… Ash thought to himself. His vision was drawn to his feet; he couldn’t bear to look at the Leaders or his friends.

    “Ash, you did great. I hope you re-challenge us soon…” Tate said as he walked over to Ash. Tate’s cerulean shoes made soft, delicate impacts with the earth as he walked towards the Pokémon Trainer.

    As Ash attempted to shift his gaze to look at Tate’s tanned face, he instead caught a glimpse of his shoes.

    Cerulean… Misty! Wait! I wonder if she got my message! I have to go to the Pokémon Center to find out!

    “Sorry, Tate, but I gotta go for a little bit!” Ash said, his mood lightening.

    Recalling his Grovyle into its Pokéball in a flash of red light, Ash started to run towards the exit. His gaze shifted over to his friends, Max, May, and Brock. “Hey, guys, can you take Pikachu to the Pokémon Center for me? I have something to take care of right away!” He shouted at them as he pushed open the doors leading out of the Gym.

    -

    “Ugh, why would you want to go to Hoenn, Misty? Didn’t you already go there once?” Lily groaned from the couch.

    “Yeah, but I’m going for a water Pokémon competition, like the Whirl Island competition I go to every year.” Misty answered; her heart was pounding with anticipation. What if Lily said no? Surely Misty would go anyway, after all, it would be for the Gym, not her.

    “Like, whatever. Do what you want, just don’t come home broke.” Lily answered.

    Misty fought the urge to scream with happiness as she ran to the couch and hugged her sister. “Thanks,”

    After Misty let go of her sister, the French doors leading to the driveway opened up, in the doorway stood one of the Sensational Sisters, Daisy herself. She was not alone, however. Standing behind her was Tracey, one of Misty’s friends she met in the Orange Islands.

    “So, um,” Tracey said, taking on of Daisy’s baby soft hands in one of his, “I’ll see ya again soon, right?”

    “I’d like that,” Daisy said, winking at Tracey. If Misty didn’t know any better, she’d think Daisy was blushing.

    “Great!” Tracey said, almost screaming. “Goodbye, then,” He said, and kissed her lightly on the cheek. He then raised a hand to wave to Misty and Lily, as he suddenly acknowledging their presence.

    “G-goodbye, Tracey…” Daisy said as her cheeks suddenly changed their coloration from a light tan to beat red.

    “What the heck was that, Daisy?” Misty asked as Daisy stepped inside the house, her pink miniskirt stained with ketchup.

    Ignoring her, Daisy walked slowly towards the staircase that lead to the bedrooms upstairs, her yellow hair swaying right and left as she walked.

    “I think I need a rest…” Daisy whispered.

    As Daisy made her way up the stairs, a high-pitched ring was suddenly made audible. After a few rings, Misty realized it was the phone.

    “I’m guessing you’re not going to get that, Lily…” Misty said, making her way towards the source of the persistent ringing.

    “Got that right, twerp,” Lily said, flinging the remote across the room in anger. “My soap’s over!” She screamed.

    When Misty reached her Shelder phone, she picked up the Pokémon phone and calmly said the usual greeting. “Hello, you’ve reached the Cerulean City Gym. This is the Gym Leader, Misty.”

    “Hey, Misty! It’s Ash.”

    Ash?!

    “Ash! I got your message, and I’m coming!” Misty said. A smile encompassed half her face when thought about traveling with Ash again, even if it was only for a little while.

    “Really?! That’s great! I can’t wait to see you again!”

    “I know… Anyway, how was your Gym match?”

    “It was a double battle, and I lost. They were really strong and outsmarted me… Anyway… there was something I wanted to ask you, Misty.”

    “Really? What is it, Ash?” Misty’s heart jumped into her throat.

    “Yeah… You see, I checked the Pokémon league rule book for double battle Gyms, and it doesn’t say anything about it being against the rules for two people to take the challenge… so, I was wondering if you’d like to battle Tate and Liza with me… for old time’s sake, anyway.”

    “Sure, Ash, I’d love to. Does this mean I’d get a badge if we win, too? Hah.”

    I should’ve known… Besides, he has May now…

    “Great! I’ll tell the Gym Leaders! Oh, by the way, when do you think you’ll be arriving?” Ash asked.

    “Um, probably in the next few days, I’m about to start packing now, and I’ll take the ferry at Vermillion to Mossdeep tomorrow morning…”

    “Okay, great! The sooner the better! I gotta go thought, here comes May. Goodbye, and see you soon!”

    “Okay, bye, Ash!”

    As soon as Misty finished, Ash’s sweet voice was replaced with the dial tone. Misty let out a deep sigh, and whispered into the phone, “I love you...”
    Last edited by Caelesti; 9th July 2008 at 3:49 AM.
    [IMG]http://i47.*******.com/k4dpxc.gif[/IMG]
    the dancing that captivated my heart;
    your selfishly nice gestures, the breathtaking sexiness you have
    those flashing gestures ;;; it makes me lose my breath -- x . x . x

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    133

    Default

    I don't think Ash is too out of character in this chapter. I mean, he might have gotten over his loss to Tate and Liza a little too easily, but I suppose his reason for doing so was believable.

    Do I sense that Misty is jealous of May? That should make for some interesting moments if it's handled right. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with that.

    Did you still want us to comment on your grammar? There were a few more run-on sentences in this chapter. If you want me to list them all out let me know and I will.

    I'm enjoying the Handymanshipping moments. I like how Daisy is acting all shy in front of Tracey, which is so unlike her usual self. I suppose love can make you do strange things, though!

    I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
    Milotic on fanfiction.net.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,099

    Default

    Chapter two is comng along nicely. Although I would have thought he would have gotten over the loss quicker, Ash was still a bit in character. I think Misty is getting jelous of May and I like the ending to this chapter. Kinda sad but sweet at the very same time.

    “Great! I’ll tell the Gym Leaders! Oh, by the way, when do you think you’ll be arriving?” Ash asked.

    “Um, probably in the next few days, I’m about to start packing now, and I’ll take the ferry at Vermillion to Mossdeep tomorrow morning…”

    “Okay, great! The sooner the better! I gotta go thought, here comes May. Goodbye, and see you soon!”

    “Okay, bye, Ash!”

    As soon as Misty finished, Ash’s sweet voice was replaced with the dial tone. Misty let out a deep sigh, and whispered into the phone, “I love you...”
    Other fav parts from the chap
    “So, um,” Tracey said, taking on of Daisy’s baby soft hands in one of his, “I’ll see ya again soon, right?”

    “I’d like that,” Daisy said, winking at Tracey. If Misty didn’t know any better, she’d think Daisy was blushing.

    “Great!” Tracey said, almost screaming. “Goodbye, then,” He said, and kissed her lightly on the cheek. He then raised a hand to wave to Misty and Lily, as he suddenly acknowledging their presence.

    “G-goodbye, Tracey…” Daisy said as her cheeks suddenly changed their coloration from a light tan to beat red.
    As its master willed, Lunatone summoned a silver colored barrier that was at least double the size of Lunatone itself. It did it just in time, too. The Thunderbolt collided with the barrier a few seconds after it was created, and it was stopped in its tracks. Solrock, on the other hand, shot upwards towards the sky, dodging the Leaf Blade. The Solrock then began to call upon the power of Sunny Day, making the sun shine even brighter than before. Its rays now penetrated the metal roof that previously shielded the inside of the Gym. A smirk crossed the young Gym Leader’s lips.
    Nice description here.


    ☆ Maya Fey: Ace Pokemon Trainer
    Carry On, BlisseyThe Other King☆
    Advancers Tumblr
    Banner by Sworn Metalhead at Dćdric Design ✠

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    352

    Default

    Thanks for the comments, guys! You can post the run-on sentences if it's not too much, Milotic17. My Microsoft Word must not be working right. o.o;
    [IMG]http://i47.*******.com/k4dpxc.gif[/IMG]
    the dancing that captivated my heart;
    your selfishly nice gestures, the breathtaking sexiness you have
    those flashing gestures ;;; it makes me lose my breath -- x . x . x

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    New York, baby C:
    Posts
    6

    Default

    Verrrrrry amazing. I'm a big fan of Pokéshipping! This Handymanshipping is very interesting too, I must say. I do kind of find it weird, because Daisy is the oldest of the sisters, I think, and I'm pretty sure Tracey's only a year or two older than Misty. So, I see a big gap in the ages, but I do think it's cute, and pretty legitimate, after seeing a certain Chronicle episode. Can't wait till the next chapters ~
    [img]http://i35.*******.com/nm1f2a.png[/img][img]http://i34.*******.com/erfqs4.png[/img]

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    352

    Default

    This is a Misty-exclusive chapter, basically. So, um, I don't know if I made the shippy moments too cliché and/or stupid. But... I guess you all can judge that. :X And sorry for the wait, guys; this chapter really took a lot of thought and I was planning out the rest of the story while I was writing this chapter. Chapter four should be done real soon. Enjoy... if possible. XD

    Chapter Three: The Voyage


    As the Cerulean Gym Leader rested on her bed, the sun’s crystalline rays seeped through the windows and kissed her tanned face. Her eyelids protected the Gym Leader’s optics from the damaging rays of the golden giant, the sun. The Leader’s stomach rose and fell rhythmically she slept through the morning. The rising and falling of her stomach continued for what seemed like hours. It was occasionally interrupted by the frequent snoring that came from the Gym Leader’s throat. A noise that sounded as thought she was a pig. But she could never really be a pig; not her, not Misty.

    Misty’s slumber was interrupted by a sharp ‘beep’ from her alarm clock that was the shape of a Pokéball. After a few moments, another ‘beep’ was emitted from the clock. Misty groaned, turned over in her sleep. The beeps began to come faster, ‘beep’, ‘beep’, ‘beep’.

    “Ugh, alright! I give up!” Misty shouted, shooting a glare at the beeping clock. Across its shiny metallic surface, Misty could see the time. 8:30 a.m. 8:30?! A quick scream erupted from Misty.

    My boat leaves at 10:00! I hope I can ready and reach Vermillion by then…

    Misty aggressively threw her covers off of her and made her way to her dresser. “What to pack…?” Misty thought aloud as she ran her fingers through her draw that contained her shirts. Her cerulean eyes skimmed through her collection of blouses and shirts, taking ones that she found would keep her cool in the warm Hoenn climate. After making her selection of about seven shirts, one of each day she would stay in Hoenn, she moved onto the next draw; the draw that contained her shorts and skirts. Repeating the scanning process she did with her shirts and blouses, she selected the clothes that would keep her cool.

    “Hm? What’s this?” Misty asked as she came across a particularly shirt skirt that she didn’t remember buying. “Maybe its Violet’s…”

    Eye right eye squinted for a moment, staring at the pink skirt. It had lilies scattered across the pink ocean that was the center of the skirt as the main design. To the top, there was a crisp, white frill. After examining it, she decided to pack it. Her sister’s didn’t know she had found it, and she intended to keep it that way.

    Throwing her seven shirts, blouses, and seven pants and skirts onto her water bed, she began to think aloud again. “Now, what else do I need? I have my undergarments packed…” Moving towards her suitcase, she began to list the things she had, to make she had everything. “Sunscreen, Staryu, Corsola, Gyarados, Starmie, Quagsire, Goldeen, Tanning Oil, Swim Suit, Pokégear, The Tale of Love and Pokémon, and some of Prof. Oak’s best Pokémon food…” Misty said as she pointed her slender finger at each one of the items she listed.

    “If I pack my clothes, I should be good to go!” Misty exclaimed excitedly; she was really looking forward to seeing Ash again… and Brock, too, of course. She just hadn’t seen him in so long, and it was really getting to her. Sure, she knew that she should get over him, but a part of her just couldn’t. She just couldn’t let go.

    As Misty was folding her sister’s skirt and placing it neatly on the top of her pile of skirts, she began to hum. At first, she really didn’t know why or what she was humming. To her, it sounded like some song she was listening to on the radio last night as she was planning her battle strategy for the tournament. The title escaped, though.

    Deep in thought, Misty began to move towards her bed. Her satin nightgown dragged on the pale green carpet. What the Hell was that song called…? She began to hum it again, trying to remember the words. Suddenly it hit her. It was the song she wrote about Ash. She was humming the song she wrote about Ash, not the one she heard on the radio.

    “He drives me crazy…” Misty said, recalling the words. Her cerulean eyes began to gravitate towards the mirror that rested on the wall atop her dresser. It had a standard rectangle design with the image of a big, blue Cascdebadge in the top right corner. Gazing into it, she saw that she was still in her nightgown.

    “Ahh! I have to change and get to Route Five!” Misty screamed, practically throwing off her nightgown and stumbling into her usual attire – a yellow tank top with blue shorts, red suspenders, and red and yellow shoes. “There, all better,” Misty said, snapping her two suspenders against her chest.

    The young Gym Leader walked towards her suitcase and un-zippered it rather quickly with one hand; she then took the Pokéballs containing her Staryu, Corsola, Gyarados, Starmie, Quagsire, and Goldeen, and moved them to her pink bag that was placed on her nightstand. Stringing the bag over her left shoulder, she began to walk back towards her suitcase that sat near her door. It was leaning against a group of water-type Pokémon plushies. Misty began collecting them when she heard her idol, Lorelei, collected plushies, too. Zipping back up her suitcase, she picked it up easily with her right hand, while her left hand hung onto the strap of her pink bag. After Daisy had wrecked Misty’s original red bag in a water show accident, her sisters picked her up a new one – the pink one. It actually grew on Misty, with its considerable size and storage space; it was able to hold her Pokéballs as well as anything else Misty wanted.

    “Well, I’m off!” Misty exclaimed with a tone of sheer joy. It would do her good to get away from the Gym for a while; the last time she managed to get away was when she released her Togetic.

    With that thought, she began to speed-walk out of her room, blowing a kiss at her water Pokémon collection and closing the door behind her. Her body moved quickly and gracefully as she walked into the grand hallway of the south wing of the living part of the Cerulean Gym. Glancing around with her cerulean optics as she walked, she couldn’t seem to find her sisters. “Daisy? Violet? Lily?” Misty called, cupping her hands around the sides of her mouth to strengthen her call.

    No answer.

    As Misty kept walking through the south wing, she came across her sister Violet’s bed room. Peeking in, she saw her older sister sloppily lying down on her messy bed. Her arms pointed in their respective directions; her left arm looked like it was flung to the left side of her, and her right arm looked as though it was thrown to the right. Her legs were seemingly randomly arranged on the bed. Her pale left cheek rested peacefully on the mattress that was supporting her.

    “Should’ve known,” Misty whispered, quietly tip toeing her way along to wing until she came to the office at the very front of the Gym. A wave of a sadness swept over her as she began to walk towards the door. She really was going to miss the Gym, but she needed to improve more as a trainer and this cup would really help. The orange-haired Gym Leader let out a deep sigh before she made her way out of the Cerulean Gym and into the sunshine. Breathing in the fresh air, a smile came across Misty’s face. She hadn’t really felt the crisp Cerulean air a lot lately, since the Indigo League became incredibly popular after her sisters returned from their trip; challengers were sometimes lining up by the dozens, forcing Misty to stay indoors all day.

    Misty then began her journey to Vermillion City, the port of exquisite sunsets by walking through her hometown, Cerulean City, Route Five, Saffron City, and Route Six. A mini-journey that took her roughly a half hour to compete, since she practically ran the whole way to ensure she wouldn’t miss the ferry to Mossdeep. Upon her arrival, she took a moment to sniff the sweet sea air. Her nose tingled with delight when the salty aroma entered her body. “Ah,” Misty said with a sense of relief. Checking her Pokégear, she could see that it was 9:40. “Better get to the ferry…”

    “Ticket?” Said a young, muscular sailor guarding the entrance to the S.S Hoenn, his brown eyes stared down into the Gym Leader’s face.

    “Um, yeah, hold on a second,” Responded the orange-haired Leader as she began to rummage through her bag. Feeling around for what seemed like forever, she finally managed to come across her ticket, which was no more than piece of paper that had a picture of the liner on it. She handed it to the young sailor with a smile painted on her face.

    “Very nice, please board the S.S. Hoenn. We will be departing in about ten minutes or so. Your room is 221, here is your key.”

    “Thank you!” Misty responded as she walked onto the ship’s deck. The sun’s rays were tickling Misty’s face as she walked through the door leading into the living quarters of the S.S Hoenn. Walking through the decorated hallways, Misty couldn’t help but admire the magnificent paintings of the tropical Orange Islands, and an unknown, snowy region. The hallways were a little on the narrow side, but were encased in an elegant carpet that was decorated with lilies of all colors as its design.

    “219, 220… Ah, here we are! Room 221,” Misty exclaimed excitedly as she unlocked and turned the doorknob leading to her room.

    Stepping inside, she saw that the room wasn’t at all like the elegant hallway; this was because Misty was, of course, on a budget and couldn’t afford a fancy ship and a fancy room, so she just took the least expensive room they could offer her.

    Setting her suite cased down near her bed, she turned to walk back towards the deck to play with her Pokémon. Her orange hair swished left and right as she walked.

    Upon arriving at the deck, she heard the captain’s overwhelmingly masculine voice bellow from the speakers that rested on the tops of the many poles on deck.

    “Passengers, we are now departing for Mossdeep City in the Hoenn region; we should arrive by 7:00 tomorrow morning. Please enjoy the voyage.”

    Once again taking in the crisp sea air, Misty closed her eyes. She thought about seeing Ash and Brock again, and of course May and Max. Just the very thought of seeing all of her friends again gave her chills. Sure, she was able to keep in touch with Tracey, but all he ever seemed to talk about lately was Daisy, and that greatly agitated Misty. It would do her a world of good to get away from her sisters and their troubles for a few weeks. Misty’s train of thought was interrupted as she opened her eyes to gaze at the ocean. The waves lapped melodically at the ship, giving Misty a sense of tiredness. After staring at the ocean for what seemed like hours, Misty decided to let her Pokémon move around a little.

    “C’mon out, guys!” Misty called, throwing five Pokéballs and one Lure ball into the air. In a tremendous flash of white light, six Pokémon appeared on the ship’s deck. A Corsola, one of Misty’s favorite Pokémon; a Staryu, one of Misty’s original Pokémon; a Goldeen, another of Misty’s original Pokémon; a Starmie, the last of Misty’s original Pokémon; a Quagsire, a Pokémon Misty captured when she went on a errand in the Johto region; and a Gyarados, one of the strongest of Misty’s Pokémon.

    “Hey, you guys hungry?” Misty asked, rummaging through her pink bag for Pokémon food.

    “Cors! Corsola! Goldeen, Goldeen! Quag!” Her Pokémon responded, bouncing up and down on the wooden deck. Her Staryu, Starmie, and Gyarados were too preoccupied with watching a battle between two trainers that was taking place on the opposite side of the deck.

    “Good, because Professor Oak sent me some more of that Pokémon food that you all love so much! Enjoy!” Misty said, pouring the Pokémon food into two large dishes for Pokémon.

    Deciding that she had nothing better to do until it was time to turn in, Misty decided to watch the ocean lap at the sides of the ship. She did that for hours and hours as her Pokémon played amongst themselves. Misty’s mind wandered from her friends, Hoenn, all of her adventures, water-type Pokémon, and her tag battle with Ash. Her thought train only broke as the voice of the captain boomed yet again.

    “Passengers, dinner is served. Please make your way to the buffet to pick yourself up something to eat. Shortly after dinner is concluded, which will be around 8:00 p.m, we expect all of our passengers will be retiring. Thank you and goodnight.”

    Misty felt her stomach growl; she hadn’t eaten anything and was beginning to feel a little weak. Her eyes drifted towards her Pokémon who were all playing around her.

    “Guys, sorry but it’s time to return. I’ll see you all tomorrow!” Misty called, winking at her Pokémon.

    In an immense burst of red light, each Pokémon returned to their respective Pokéballs. Misty then began to make her way towards the dining room.

    Once she arrived, she picked up a precious china plate and began filling it with all kinds of food. A soft yawn erupted from her form and her dainty left hand rose lazily from the bottom of her china plate to cover her mouth, leaving her right hand to hold the plate. After her somewhat embarrassing yawn, Misty made her way to her room, nibbling at her food all the way.

    When she arrived at her room, she took her left hand away from the plate’s bottom to unlock the door with the bronze key. She stepped inside, her left hand thrusting the door behind her shut.

    Plopping down on the bed, Misty quickly devoured the remainder of her food, wanting to get some reading done before she collapsed from exhaustion. Before she could sink into her favorite book, The Tale of Love and Pokémon, she had to get out of her dirty clothes. The orange-haired Gym Leader quickly changed into her usual silk nightgown and threw her clothes that she worn prior into her suit case. She then grabbed her book and slipped under the white sheets which would keep her body warm throughout the night as the boat traveled through the oceans of Johto to get to Hoenn. Her attention was then redirected to the lamp on the wooden nightstand that stood to the left of her. She turned the plastic knob that turned on the lamp with a soft ‘click’.

    Sinking into the comforter’s soft depths, Misty opened the book to the first page. Her cerulean optics gravitated from word to word, page to page, for what seemed like hours. She had ingested so much romance within the first three chapters that she was even more exhausted. Stopping at chapter four, Misty finally decided to call it a night. Her hand reached towards the lamp, shutting off her only source of light with another soft ‘click’.

    Chuckling to herself as she drifted off into dreamland, Misty thought aloud, “Just think… I’ll be able to see everyone tomorrow! Ah! It’s gonna be so much fun! I hope Ash and Brock have gotten stronger.”

    With that thought, the orange-haired Gym Leader fell asleep with a smile on her face, dreaming of tomorrow.
    Last edited by Caelesti; 18th July 2008 at 5:37 AM.
    [IMG]http://i47.*******.com/k4dpxc.gif[/IMG]
    the dancing that captivated my heart;
    your selfishly nice gestures, the breathtaking sexiness you have
    those flashing gestures ;;; it makes me lose my breath -- x . x . x

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    133

    Default

    I didn't find the shippy moments cliched or stupid, although that's mainly because there really weren't many shippy moments, which is fine. I mean, some people really don't like it when romance stories have chapters that aren't shippy, but I think it's OK if the chapter still advances the plot somehow (and sometimes people add shippy scenes just for the sake of it, and that's not good), which seems to be the case here.

    I do have to raise the cliche flag, though. This is just my opinion, and others might disagree with me, but I think the description is a little cliched and over the top. Why call eyes "optics"? If you're doing things just for the sake of being descriptive, that could be a problem. It seems like you're trying really hard to be descriptive, and it would be better to just write naturally without trying too hard. Of course, it's good to be descriptive, and it's something that I personally tend not to do enough, but you can go overboard, and it seems like you've done that a bit here.

    (By the way, Misty snores? Somehow I can't picture it.)

    Misty never caught a Quagsire in the anime. If you knew that and just added Quagsire to the story for whatever reason that's fine, but you might want to let your readers know so they don't get confused and think that you don't have the canon straight.

    I am enjoying this story, though. The tag battle should be interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing how you develop the dynamic between Misty and May. I know I tend to make a lot of suggestions, but that doesn't mean I don't like the story. (Well, it does sometimes, but not in this case.) Honestly, if I really don't like a story I tend not to say anything at all (although that certainly doesn't mean that if I don't review a story I automatically don't like it--there are plenty of stories I like and don't review). (If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all! )
    Milotic on fanfiction.net.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •