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Thread: Return to Cerulean (Pokeshipping, Maybe some Pearlshipping...idk)

  1. #1
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    Default Return to Cerulean (Pokeshipping, Maybe some Pearlshipping...idk)

    Well, a third fan fic. Many of you remember me as the writer of Mountain climbing and The Date. :/ Well, those were still my beggining ones.

    Return to Cerulean
    Chapter 1
    “The grand championships”

    The Sinnoh stadium glew a stunning color as the bright sun shone down to a battle field. On one side was a boy who’s hair was the color of the night sky during a new moon and was messy. In front of him was a yellow rodent who had 2 red circles on it’s cheeks, Pikachu. On the other side was a woman who’s hair was a stunning blonde, who had a darkened dress and two dark pom pom like things in her hair. She was the Sinnoh champion, Cynthia. In front of her was a darker pokemon, with a red chest, and wings coming out of it’s arm, Garchomp.

    “Ok, Pikachu!” The dark haired boy called out to the Pokemon, “use Volt Tackle, now!” The Pokemon started running. Suddenly, an electric blast was surrounding Pikachu, while it was still running.

    “You know, Ash” Cynthia began, “Your Pikachu is well trained”.

    “Thanks!” Ash replied to the champion.
    “But it isn’t enough to beat me” she said. “Now Garchomp! Use Sand Tomb on Pikachu” The Pokemon nodded, and then, sand started springing up around Pikachu.

    “Pikachu!” Ash cried out to his pokemon, as sand started to collide with it.

    “It’s over Ash!” Cynthia cried out to him. Ash could not believe it. He worked really hard to beat Paul. But now.

    “Pikachu try to dodge it!” Ash cried out to his pokemon, as sand kept hitting it. Pikachu weakly got up, and jumped in the sky.

    “What!?” Cynthia cried out, confused. How did Pikachu get the energy to jump up.

    “Now Pikachu, use Thunderbolt!” Ash called out to his Pokemon. A bolt of electricity shot out from the pokemon, and it made contact with the Garchomp.

    “Garchomp!” Cynthia cried out. But her pokemon just got up and focused at the Pikachu.
    “Now Garchomp, use Hyper Beam!” Cynthia called. A big blast shot out of Garchomp’s mouth, and headed to Pikachu.

    “Pikachu, No!” Ash cried out to his Pokemon as the blast made contact, flinging Pikachu down. Ash ran out to it, and picked it up.

    “Well, I have to say Ash. That was a good battle.” Cynthia commented, holding her hand out. Ash took it, and shook it. Ash walked back into a little area inside. In there was two of his friends, Dawn and Brock. Brock was a friend Ash has been with since he can remember. Brock had brown hair, and a brown skin tone. His eyes were never open, and he was an incredible flirt. Dawn, on the other hand, was a person Ash has just started traveling with. She had a hat that, on the front had a Pokeball like icon on it. She also had purple boots.

    “What a tough break” Brock said to Ash. Ash put Pikachu down.

    “Hey Brock, you wouldn’t happen to have Poke Food, would you?” Ash asked him. Brock went to his bag, and pulled out a small bag. He pulled a small dish out and poured the food in. Pikachu seemed to notice this.

    “Pika!” Pikachu cried out happily as Brock put the dish down. Ash pet his Pikachu, as it gulped dpwn the food happily.

    “Well, Brock, I think we should head back to Kanto, since we are done here…” Ash said.

    “I guess…” Brock replied. But then Paul walked up to Ash. Ash quickly turned around.

    “So you lost to her too, eh?” Paul said.
    “What do you want, Paul?” Ash asked him.
    “Nothing.” He said walking away from him.

    “I see he hasn’t changed at all” Ash began.
    “We better get to the dock” Brock said. Ash nodded, still feeling a hatred for Paul. He remembered the way he treated his old Chimchar. He pit it against all of his Pokemon. And then afterwards, he just dubbed it weak, and let it go.

    They ended up at the dock a few hours later. Ash looked around the dock, waiting for the boat back to Kanto. Then, about a half hour later, the boat showed up.

    “Well, I guess this is good-bye” Dawn started.

    “Don’t worry, we will probably meet each other someday.” Ash and Brock replied to her. Ash and Brock climbed on the boat. And as the boat took off, Dawn waved them goodbye. Knowing she wont see them again, and wiped a tear from her eye.

    END OF CHAPTER 1!
    Last edited by Ho-ohRocks201; 31st July 2008 at 10:12 AM.

  2. #2
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    well, Pokeshipping is cute, so that's a nice shipping to have the story on.
    The chapter itself seems too sped up and the whole them splitting up came out of nowhere. But I guess that's all I have to say for now.
    A pretty okay start.


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  3. #3
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    I am a Pokeshipper at heart. lol

    anyways, chapter 2 may be up sometime tommorow

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    For some reason i can't standr eading pokeshipping fic BUT i like this one.

    Anyway it's seems Ash lost but Cynthia is the champ.

    Anyway im looking forward for chapter two.

  5. #5
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    Default Chapter 2

    Well, here it is

    Chapter 2
    Nightmare

    The deck of the ship had a swimming pool, which was now sparkling in the bright sun, just like the ocean was. It was a beautiful sight.

    “Hey Brock, you gotta look at this” Ash said waving Brock over. But there was no response.
    “Brock?” Ash said turning around. Brock was flirting with a girl also on the ship.

    “My name is Brock, and I must say you are beautiful” Brock said to her. Ash sighed. He was always flirting with every girl he saw. But the stranger fact was that there was a few girls who he actually didn’t flirt with. Then there was a flash of light, and Brock’s Croagunk came out of it’s Poke ball. Croagunk gave him a little jab to the side, Making Brock fall over. Croagunk then just pulled Brock away.

    “Eh heh..” Ash began, slightly sweat dropping, then turning back to the water.
    “Wow, this is really beautiful” Ash thought. But then, he froze at beautiful. He kept hearing that word. He just didn’t get why it was so weird for him.

    “Hey, Brock. I’m going to go back to the cabin” Ash told his friend, as he was still numb from Croagunk’s jab.

    The Cabin was just a small simple room. It had 2 beds, a lamp, and a room light. Ash turned the light on and lied down on the bed, and let his thoughts wander. His eyes started to grow heavy. Then, he fell asleep.

    Ash was standing in the Cerulean Gym. He was standing in the doorway, looking out into an endless hallway. He heard footsteps.

    “Who’s there?” Ash cried out, looking closer down the hallway. He noticed orange hair, some of it in a ponytail. It was Misty.

    “Misty!” Ash cried out, happy to see his old friend.

    “Oh, it’s just Ash” a voice replied, as he saw Misty being dragged back.

    “Misty!” Ash cried out, stepping closer. Then, he saw a Gyarados.

    “Now like, Gyarados, use Hyper Beam” A voice said. The blast headed closer and closer to Ash.


    Ash jolted up, panting. He was sweating. He put his head in his hands.

    “I had a nightmare…” Ash muttered under his breath. He quietly got out of his bead, trying not to disturb Pikachu. He silently opened the door and went through, now standing on the deck. He felt a cool sea breeze blow at him. Ash looked out into the night sky, and listened to the silent sea waves.

    “What’s going on with me…” Ash muttered to himself. He looked at his feet. “Why am I thinking about Misty…” he muttered. Misty is Ash’s best friend. She is the Cerulean Gym Leader, and has Orange hair, some of it wrapped into a ponytail sticking right out of the side. He was suddenly feeling something for her. He realized it back in Sinnoh when Dawn wanted to use the Lure Misty gave Ash. Ash silently walked back into the Cabin, and fell asleep.

  6. #6
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    Pretty short.

    Anyway that dream is kinda werid. i wonder why Misty use hyperbeam on her best friend.

    Anyway i'm hoping chapter three would be abit longer. good work so far.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by midnightmoon View Post
    Pretty short.

    Anyway that dream is kinda werid. i wonder why Misty use hyperbeam on her best friend.

    Anyway i'm hoping chapter three would be abit longer. good work so far.
    In the nightmare, Misty was being Dragged back. So it was Misty's Sister calling the command. P.S. Nightmares aren't supposed to make sence.

  8. #8
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    Ok, just a warning, I'm going to be critical... but I'm always like that. I'll give the criticisms first. Ok!

    First of all, "glew" is not a word.
    And this sentence
    On one side was a boy who’s hair was the color of the night sky during a new moon and was messy.
    is too long and clunky. Also, the metaphor is cheesy. I know you're trying to be descriptive, and that's good, but you don't want to make it sound like you're trying. Don't worry too much about it, this is a common, common mistake among fanfic writers. I do it, too.

    Also, here:
    On the other side was a woman who’s hair was a stunning blonde, who had a darkened dress and two dark pom pom like things in her hair.
    I feel like this should really be two sentences, like "On the other side was a woman who's hair was stunning blonde. She had on a darkened dress and pom pom like things in her hair." Although I feel like "pom pom things" isn't really appropriate... unusual hair ornaments... that's still not right. This is a hard sort of thing to do, so it's probably all right as it is.

    If you're going to do a battle scene, it should probably be longer and involve more attacks. I know, this is a shipping fic, and it's not the point. I hate writing them, too, but it does need to feel more like the show. Also, the encounters with Dawn and Paul need to be longer, with more emotion. Remember, they're important people to Ash, so you'll want to convey that to keep him in character. That'll also make it feel more realistic and less rushed.

    Second chapter... I felt like it needed to be longer. There probably needs to be more to Brock's flirting with this girl, and to Ash's introspection. Also, the dream was unnecessarily confusing. It was hard to tell what Ash was seeing and hearing. There needs to be more description involved. At first glance, it appears that Ash and Misty are having a casual conversation, but then I realized that it was one of Misty's sisters, not Misty herself, talking, and that Misty seemed to be in trouble.

    Anyway. I know that's a lot of criticism for one review, and it can be hard to take in. Just think about these things and improve upon them as best you can. I know you really love Pokeshipping, and I understand why you're in a rush to get to the shippy scenes. It can be really hard to build up to it. But it's more rewarding when you do get to it if there's more there. I think you have a good idea, and you should continue working on it. You can always go back and work on previous chapters, too. I think... the best thing for you to do right now is just read a little of some other people's works to get a good idea of pacing before proceeding. And I wouldn't look at the absolute best fics out there. I think it would be best if you could find one that started off a little too fast and got better. That would make a transition easier. I'll look for some like that and get back to you. In the meantime, keep your chin up! If you love Pokeshipping enough to keep working at it, you're sure to improve!
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  9. #9
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    [QUOTE]
    Quote Originally Posted by Hakajin View Post

    First of all, "glew" is not a word.
    Well it should :P

    Anyways, I am working on Chapter 3 still.

  10. #10
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    But the stranger fact was that there was a few girls who he actually didn’t flirt with.
    There were

    And, that's all I picked up right now. Very short chapter D:
    You're getting better at slowing the story down, but still needs more description. The dream was freaky though, I feel bad for Ash ):

    Always waiting for more~


    I've had a really
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    Until next time
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  11. #11
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    Default Chapter 3

    Well, here it is! Sorry if it is a little short.

    Chapter 3
    Back to Pallet

    Ash had climbed groggily out of the cabin at 11. He looked around and smacked his lips. He felt bags under his eyes. He walked over to the pool on the deck, and then scooped some water in his hands. He then splashed his eyes.

    “I wonder where Pikachu and Brock are…” Ash wondered. He then noticed they were in the Pool.

    “Hey Ash, get changed and jump in” Brock said. Ash nodded and ran into the Cabin, and changed. Ash ran out and kept running to the pool. He then jumped, and shifted to a cannonball position.

    “CANNONBALL!” Ash shouted before he hit the water. Water splashed up all around and got Brock and Pikachu. Ash surfaced.

    “That was pretty good, Ash” Brock complemented, still soaked. Pikachu shook it’s self.

    “Pika Pika” Pikachu said, sounding like he was giving him a complement. Ash rubbed the back of his now damp hair, actually making it darker.

    “Hey Brock, lets see who can hold their breath the longest” Ash challenged Brock.

    “I guess…” Brock said, shrugging his shoulders. The two took a deep breath, and Dived.

    Ash’s vision was slurred. He looked around. Bubbles came up as he moved around. He felt his face grow red. He felt himself start to surface. Then, he finally emerged. He gasped for air. He looked around. He saw Brock right next to him.

    “Ha! I win!” Ash said, chuckling. Ash than swam to the ladder, and climbed out. He walked back into the cabin, followed by Brock.

    They were both freezing, as the breeze kept blowing at them. Pikachu just shook itself, and grew fuzzy. Ash and Brock chuckled at the small mouse Pokemon, who in return, gave them a dirty look.

    Ash straightened his hat, and adjusted his jacket. He headed outside the Cabin, and looked. He saw the place he loved, the place he rarely was. Home.

    He, Brock, and Pikachu climbed down the ladders connecting with the dock. He just stood there. There was a strange feeling going through him. He was just happy to be back at Pallet Town. He looked around the dock. The scent was the same as it was on the boat. Ash and Brock started down the bridge in the harbor. Pikachu was sitting on Ash’s shoulder, while Ash would give it some Poke Food.

    A half hour passed, and the cement of the dock turned into a soft dirt road. The buildings of the dock vanished, and were replaced by lush trees and flowers.

    “Hey Pikachu, what do you think Mom is gonna say when we get home.” Ash asked his furry companion.

    “Pika Pika!” Pikachu replied to Ash as it shrugged it’s shoulders. Ash looked forward down the road. He saw a small home, his home. Ash was finally back at home.

    "Mom, I'm home!" Ash shouted as he opened the door to his home.

    Oh btw, I promise chapter 4 will be longer.

  12. #12
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    Hmm good chapter. pretty short once again but it dosen't matter to me.

    I can't wait to see some pearl and pokeshipping. keep up the good work.^_^

  13. #13
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    The pearl was at the begining XD

    When she wipped a tear.

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    Default Chapter 4- Homecoming

    Here it is!

    Chapter 4
    “Homecoming”

    “Mom, I’m home!” Ash had called through the house.

    But there was no answer.

    "Mom? Where are you mom?" Ash called through his home. He walked up the stairs into his room. His room was neater than Ash remembered leaving it. All of his Pokemon books were lined up on his book shelf, and all of the non Pokemon books were under his bed. And he only owned 1 non-Pokemon book, but there was a lot of dust on that book. His Computer was sitting in a corner of the room, and his closet had his past outfits.

    "Wow..." Ash started looking around. He never thought his room could be so clean. He flung his hat down to the floor. Then he heard an angry noise and coughed on dust. It was Mr. Mime.

    “Mr. Mime!” the pokemon said, tripping Ash over to get his footprints out of the floor. Ash snarled at the Pokemon who started to vacuum. Mr. Mime looked over at Ash, and held the vacuum up to him. Ash flailed around. Mr. Mime finally released him. Ash stood up, and patted Mr. Mime on the head, even though he was mad at him. Ash walked out of his room and then paused. He smelled something delicious. Ash turned to Pikachu.

    “That smells like Mom’s roast beef” Ash said rubbing his stomach and licking his lips. Pikachu hopped off Ash’s shoulder and started to dash down the hall. Ash ran after it laughing.

    “I’m going to get it first!” Ash shouted to Pikachu slightly smiling. They both ran down the steps and turned right into the kitchen. His mom, Deliah was making Roast beef. The scent made Ash’s mouth water. His mom turned around, and smiled.

    “Being in Sinnoh must of worked up an appitiet.” His mom asked him. Ash just simply nodded, and continued to gaze at the Roast beef. A few minutes later the oven clock made a ding sound. Ash watched as his mom put it on a plate and threw in some fries. She placed it on a table and Ash automatically sat down. He grabbed a fork and a knife and just started at the Roast Beef. 15 minutes later, the Roast Beef and fries were gone. Ash let out a sigh, the kind that you release after your full. He patted his stomach and then stood up.

    “Hey Mom, I’m going to head to Proffesor Oak’s” Ash told his mom as he walked out the door and on to the dirt road of Pallet Town. Proffesor Oak was an old man who gave starting trainers their Pokemon. Ash looked at Pikachu. That was how they met. Ash got up late, and missed Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle. He opened the gate and climbed up the steps. He opened the door and went through. Proffesor Oak’s lab was more of his home. He had a large green sofa with a tv. Outside his window was a Pokemon ranch. A lot of Ash’s Pokemon were settled there. Including his Muk, who often liked to give Oak hugs. Ash looked around. There was no one there.

    “Hello?” Ash called walking around. Then Tracy popped out and threw confetti at him.

    “Welcome Back, Ash” Tracy shouted. Then Oak sprung up, and soon, he saw a brunette wearing an emerald headband jump out with lush green haired boy in a purple outfit. They all yelled welcome back.

    “May? Drew? What are you guys doing here?” Ash asked his best friends while walking over to them.

    “Well… we heard you were coming back, and we finished the contests in Johto.” May replied, but then leaned to Ash’s ear. “But to tell you the truth, Drew was pretty arrogant to come back here” She then pulled back.

    Drew ran his fingers through his hair and said, “I heard that!” which caused May to blush a slight bit. She then released a nervous chuckle. Ash chuckled slightly at the two. May then turned back to Ash.

    “Oh, did I forget to mention? Drew and I-” May began, before Drew interrupted her.

    “Umm, I don’t think Ash wants to hear this!” Drew said, now blushing slightly. May jumped back into Ash’s point of View, knocking Drew over.

    “Drew and I are going out!” May told Ash, now with no interruption.

    “Hey, Congrats!” Ash replied to the couple. Ash looked to Professor Oak.

    “Hey, Professor?” Ash asked.
    “Yes?” The Professor replied.
    “Can I go out into the ranch and say hi to my Pokemon?” Ash asked.
    “Of course!” The Proffesor Replied. Ash walked down the hall and opened a door leading out to the ranch. Then he heard a noise.

    “Bay Bay!” a voice replied. Then, he saw his Bayleef running toward him. Pikachu hopped off Ash’s shoulder. Bayleef ran to Ash. Ash pet Bayleef.

    “Hey Bayleef!” Ash told his Bayleef. Then he heard a lot of noises. It was all of Ash’s Pokemon, but not his taurous or Snorlax. Ash’s Muk ran up and gave him a hug.

    “Gah! M-Muk?” Ash asked it startled, keeping his head stuck up. Muk just had a smile on it’s face. Muk then pulled away, and Bulbasaur ran up to him. Ash patted him on the head, and then Totodile and Cyndaquil ran to him. Ash patted Cyndaquil on the head with his other arm. Totodile danced happily. Ash stood up. Then, he noticed Mays Munchlax and his Snorlax talking. Ash walked back inside, followed by Pikachu, Bulbasaur, and Totodile, and Cindaquil. Ash looked around, not seeing his best friend who is usually there. Ash went over to Tracy.

    “Hey Tracy, where is Misty?” Ash asked Tracy, who just dropped a bag of Poke food he was holding, and quickly studied his shoes.
    “She had to look after the gym because her sisters went on a shipping spree, and there were a lot of challengers.” Tracy replied, blushing slightly. Ash glared at him.

    “Oh, sorry, I was thinking of Misty’s sister.” Tracy replied, snapping back into focus.

    “Why did Misty’s stuck-up sisters go shopping Today!? …Misty always comes..” Ash thought to himself. He walked back to the Ranch, and layed down in the grass, feeling in a bad mood.

    Oh and, I made Misty not come make it a good story.

  15. #15
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    well here goes my review : D

    Just wanted to quickly point out that you misspelled appetite. I know spelling isn't something that a lot of writers are good with, but maybe if you used Microsoft Word or something, you wouldn't have to deal with misspelled words. ^^;;

    Anyway, so, I see that you're really getting better with your descriptions! That's great and I seriously have to applaud you since a lot of writers I've read from don't improve in the actual story, but would improve in their later stories. So major congrats to you : D

    I'm happy that there was contestshipping XD Thank you for adding that! I absolutely loved your contestshipping parts, as ooc as it was :'D

    Anyway, awesome so far, I can't wait for Misty to come in! Here's to hoping you continue to improve. ^_^


    I've had a really
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    Until next time
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    Did you like how I did the reunion with Ash's pokemon

    P.S. Did you pick up that moment with Tracy when he was thinking about Misty's sister...

    Chapter 5 will come up in a while so...

    what does OOC mean?

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    Ok, third chapter. It's looking better. It was still somewhat rushed... I mean, normally, you'd expect Ash to eat breakfast before getting in the pool... and the transition between that and getting to Pallet town seemed short. It's a pretty fair distance, and it seems like it would take them longer. A little more dialogue might have helped, maybe, with Brock and Ash talking about how good it feels to be going home. My main advice for that is to think of a purpose when you're writing a scene. Basically, you want a scene to move the story along or just give character development. The pool scene... it just seemed kind of thrown in. It's not a bad setting, but there needs to be more happening. It needs to add something to the story. But like I said, it's looking better. It really shouldn't be hard to go back and add some stuff that would make it more meaningful.

    And the fourth chapter was much better. Pokewiz is right, you've gotten a lot better at descriptions. I also liked how you had Ash be confused as to why his room is clean, and showed him eating a lot right when he got home. That tells us something about his character. I thought perhaps there might be a few more greetings between him and his mom, but that's ok. Great job with the Contestshipping! I can totally see Drew being embarrassed about it. It seems like Ash might not get it... but I wonder how they got together... And I liked the scene where Ash greeted all his Pokemon. It could have been a little longer, but what was really important here is that you made Misty's absence conspicuous by showing all Ash's other friends. Cute Handymanshipping hint, by the way.

    I never did post a link to a similar story... but you're coming along, anyway. Keep up the good work! Oh, and OOC means out of character.
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    this is a good story so far can't wait for the next part
    im 100% pokeshipping fan go pokeshiping

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    Default Chapter 5- "Ash's Hidden Feelings"

    Chapter 5
    “Ash’s Hidden Feelings”

    Ash was laying in the grass, still in a bad mood. He was starting to feel something, and now she was still back in Cerulean City. Ash sighed.

    “I am starting to feel something for her…” Ash thought to himself. He started to remember all the times they went through together. He than stood up, and walked back into Professor Oak’s lab. He walked down to the door, with Pikachu in pursuit. Ash walked back to his house, with his thoughts still on Misty. He went up the stairs and into his room, ignoring Mr. Mime. He sat down at his computer, and opened up his E-mail. Maybe Misty may have left one. He booted it up. He noticed an email in his new folder and opened it up.

    Dear Ash,
    Sorry I couldn’t make it back to greet you in person, the gym is getting hectic, and my sisters love themselves, except Daisy, who always talks about Tracy. I don’t know what to do about her. Anyways, I’ll talk to you later. See ya!
    Misty


    Ash hit the Reply message and started to type on the keyboard.

    Dear Misty,
    It’s alright, I understand, being a Gym Leader must be kind of hard at times. Well, I wouldn’t know but, you know what I mean right? Anyways, Tell your sister that Tracy might have a feeling for her. I don’t really know… But, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye!
    Ash


    He then looked over the message, and hit send. He sat on his bed, and then laid down.

    “Ash! Why are you such an idiot! You had the chance when she visited you in Sinnoh, but you didn’t tell her! She may have moved on!” He thought to himself. Then he froze. Moved on? Would Misty move on and leave him behind. He tightened his fist. He was just coming into terms with his feelings for her. But then he realized, there was still a chance that she didn’t move on. He sighed in relief. He then sat up, and looked at Pikachu.

    “You know, Pikachu, Misty always comes back to greet us! Why don’t we go over there!” Ash told his Pikachu. Pikachu just looked at it’s trainer, and shook it’s head. Ash’s smile dropped.
    “What do you mean Pikachu?” Ash said, looking at his pokemon. Pikachu then got up.

    “Pika Pika! Pikachu, Pika Pi, Pika Pikachu!” Pikachu said, with Ash staring at him. Ash then stood up.

    “Well, you have a point there… Maybe Misty is busy right now, but hey, I have a surprise for her!” Ash said, walking over to his closet. He climbed in, and walked out with his old duds he wore during his first journey in Kanto, and Johto, and the Orange Islands. Ash looked at himself in a mirror.

    “I haven’t worn these in a while!” Ash said, moving his arms around. Pikachu hopped on Ash’s shoulder. Ash then swung his hand around, and made a peace sign.

    “Pikachu!” Pikachu cried out, before they ran out of his room. Ash paused in the hallway. Ash’s face was filled with uncomfort.

    “Maybe this is why I haven’t worn it” Ash said walking back into his room and putting on his other clothes we was wearing before. Ash then ran back out. He ran down the stairs, and slipped on the rug.

    “Gah!” Ash shouted as he slid out the door, face first in to the ground. Ash chuckled nervously.

    “You know Ketchum, May was right, you are hard-headed” a voice said. Ash looked up, and saw Drew.

    “Drew?” Ash began, gazing at him. Drew ran his hand through his hair.

    “Get up, Ketchum…” Drew began, offering his hand to help him up. Ash grabbed it, and pushed himself up.

    “So where are you going?” Drew asked the Pokemon trainer, who just studied his shoes.

    “I’m going to Cerulean City…” Ash began, blushing at the thought of Misty. Drew looked at Ash.

    “Well, Why?” Drew asked him, his eyes narrowing.

    “Drew…I…” Ash began, blushing slightly, then sucked in his breath and squeezed his eyes shut. “I am in love with Misty!” He shouted with his eyes shut, now blushing extremely hard. He opened his eyes, and saw Drew looking down at him.

    “Ketchum, I don’t blame you. Heh, she is pretty cute.” Drew said, before receiving a jealous glare by Ash. Drew stated to walk away, while Ash kept looking at him. Ash got up. He headed back into his house and into his room, then collapsed on his bed.

    “Great, now Drew knows my feelings for Misty, and I am still at square 1”
    Ash thought to himself. He then sat up. What was he going to do now? Drew knew how he felt, and he was still struggling with the thought of Misty moving on. He looked at Pikachu. He remembered when Misty fished him out of the pond when he was just starting out. He shuddered at the fact that what could have happened if Misty hadn’t been there. Ash fell back on his bed, and sighed.

    “I love Misty…”

  20. #20
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    This was a pretty good chapter. It had a nice flow to it. I liked the e-mailing, and how Ash decided to go to Cerulean. Just a couple of things to remember- Ash is pretty dense. It's kind of hard to get him to realize that he likes Misty in a fic, and for him to figure out that she may like him/may have liked him. He doesn't notice romance in others... and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't blurt it out to Drew like that. Drew would have to trick him into admitting it, somehow... Drew was in character, by the way, which was good... but you didn't explain why he was at Ash's house, or when he met Misty. But other than those things, it was good. You're still improving!
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  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hakajin View Post
    This was a pretty good chapter. It had a nice flow to it. I liked the e-mailing, and how Ash decided to go to Cerulean. Just a couple of things to remember- Ash is pretty dense. It's kind of hard to get him to realize that he likes Misty in a fic, and for him to figure out that she may like him/may have liked him. He doesn't notice romance in others... and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't blurt it out to Drew like that. Drew would have to trick him into admitting it, somehow... Drew was in character, by the way, which was good... but you didn't explain why he was at Ash's house, or when he met Misty. But other than those things, it was good. You're still improving!
    In this, he is more mature, like idk 15? Anyways, he has finally realized he likes Misty.

    Anyways, do you think it was good when I made Ash be nervous because he thought Misty moved on...
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  22. #22
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    Yes, just like Hakajin said, you're still improving. So again, great job to you! The description in this chapter really does blow your other chapters just out of the water. Another thing I have to applaud you for? The fact that you're actually listening to your readers! Lots of writers tend to ignore what their readers say but I'm very happy that you're actually taking the time to listen to us, so yay for that : D

    Anyways, on to the actual review!

    So, I like at the beginning how he emailed Misty and he was thinking of how he might like her. One approach I might suggest is that instead of Ash flat out saying he loves Misty, let those feelings build up. Let Drew continue to pester him saying things like: "Is it that you like her Ash, is that why?" Or something like that until Ash finally says to Drew and himself that he really does love her. You know? It makes it more believable for your readers and it would be great to just build it up until he finally cracks and realizes that he does love Misty more than a friend.

    But the way you wrote it isn't like completely unbelievable, I could see it like that.

    Again, great chapter! Just, please try to lengthen it a bit more. : D


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  23. #23
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    I rewrote Chapter 5! Made it more believable, well, here it is!

    Chapter 5
    “Ash’s Hidden Feelings”

    Ash was laying in the grass, still in a bad mood. He was starting to feel something, and now she was still back in Cerulean City. Ash sighed.

    “I am starting to feel something for her…” Ash thought to himself. He started to remember all the times they went through together. He than stood up, and walked back into Professor Oak’s lab. He walked down to the door, with Pikachu in pursuit. Ash walked back to his house, with his thoughts still on Misty. He went up the stairs and into his room, ignoring Mr. Mime. He sat down at his computer, and opened up his E-mail. Maybe Misty may have left one. He booted it up. He noticed an email in his new folder and opened it up.

    Dear Ash,
    Sorry I couldn’t make it back to greet you in person, the gym is getting hectic, and my sisters love themselves, except Daisy, who always talks about Tracy. I don’t know what to do about her. Anyways, I’ll talk to you later. See ya!
    Misty


    Ash hit the Reply message and started to type on the keyboard.

    Dear Misty,
    It’s alright, I understand, being a Gym Leader must be kind of hard at times. Well, I wouldn’t know but, you know what I mean right? Anyways, Tell your sister that Tracy might have a feeling for her. I don’t really know… But, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye!
    Ash


    He then looked over the message, and hit send. He sat on his bed, and then laid down.

    “Ash! Why are you such an idiot! You had the chance when she visited you in Sinnoh, but you didn’t tell her! She may have moved on!” He thought to himself. Then he froze. Moved on? Would Misty move on and leave him behind. He tightened his fist. He was just coming into terms with his feelings for her. But then he realized, there was still a chance that she didn’t move on. He sighed in relief. He then sat up, and looked at Pikachu.

    “You know, Pikachu, Misty always comes back to greet us! Why don’t we go over there!” Ash told his Pikachu. Pikachu just looked at it’s trainer, and shook it’s head. Ash’s smile dropped.
    “What do you mean Pikachu?” Ash said, looking at his pokemon. Pikachu then got up.

    “Pika Pika! Pikachu, Pika Pi, Pika Pikachu!” Pikachu said, with Ash staring at him. Ash then stood up.

    “Well, you have a point there… Maybe Misty is busy right now, but hey, I have a surprise for her!” Ash said, walking over to his closet. He climbed in, and walked out with his old duds he wore during his first journey in Kanto, and Johto, and the Orange Islands. Ash looked at himself in a mirror.

    “I haven’t worn these in a while!” Ash said, moving his arms around. Pikachu hopped on Ash’s shoulder. Ash then swung his hand around, and made a peace sign.

    “Pikachu!” Pikachu cried out, before they ran out of his room. Ash paused in the hallway. Ash’s face was filled with uncomfort.

    “Maybe this is why I haven’t worn it” Ash said walking back into his room and putting on his other clothes we was wearing before. Ash then ran back out. He ran down the stairs, and slipped on the rug.

    “Gah!” Ash shouted as he slid out the door, face first in to the ground. Ash chuckled nervously.

    “You know Ketchum, May was right, you are hard-headed” a voice said. Ash looked up, and saw Drew.

    “Drew?” Ash began, gazing at him. Drew ran his hand through his hair.

    “Get up, Ketchum…” Drew began, offering his hand to help him up. Ash grabbed it, and pushed himself up.

    “So where are you going?” Drew asked the Pokemon trainer, who just studied his shoes.

    “I’m going to Cerulean City…” Ash began, blushing at the thought of Misty. Drew looked at Ash.

    “Well, Why?” Drew asked him, his eyes narrowing.

    “I’m going to see my friend, that’s all..” Ash began.

    “Your friend?” Drew teased.

    “Drew… She is NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!” Ash shouted at him, denying he liked Misty.

    “Woah! I didn’t say she was..” Drew said, as Ash just blushed out of embarrassment.

    “So, why are you going?” Drew asked him.

    “Go away Drew..” Ash began.

    “Then why are you going?” Drew continued to tease. Then, Ash shouted something that gave him a shock!

    “Because I love her, Drew!” He shouted, then paused. What did he just say… He didn’t even have feelings for Misty, or well, none he knew about. Ash ran back into his room and laid on his back, so he was staring at the ceiling.

    “Great, now Drew knows my feelings for Misty, and I am still at square 1” Ash thought to himself. He then sat up. What was he going to do now? Drew knew how he felt, and he was still struggling with the thought of Misty moving on. He looked at Pikachu. He remembered when Misty fished him out of the pond when he was just starting out. He shuddered at the fact that what could have happened if Misty hadn’t been there. Ash fell back on his bed, and sighed.

    “I love Misty…”
    Last edited by Ho-ohRocks201; 10th August 2008 at 8:54 PM.
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  24. #24
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    Well your chapters are getting longer which is good but don't make them too long or else my eyes would start to hurt. (lol)

    So Ash finally pops the question that he likes Misty. but why did he tell Drew? their not even close like he is with Brock.

    Also im glad that May is in this story. ^_^

    Anyway i hope Chp6 will be up soon.

  25. #25
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    nice improvements, though you could have just edited your first chapter five, but I won't be nit picky anymore. Very nice.

    Waiting for more


    I've had a really
    good time at SPPF

    but now it's time
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    Until next time
    Pokewiz

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