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Thread: Pokemon Red Version: Abridged

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Red Version: Abridged

    Hello, I am Morgan Freeman, and I was asked to be the narrator of this story. I hope you all enjoy this novel... and more importantly, I hope you enjoy my narration.


    Everyone wants to be a Pokemon master. Somebody who can “catch em’ all” and beat any trainer they face. Regardless of the fact that this involves enslaving poor creatures into tiny balls and forcing them to fight other creatures, who very well may be their best friends, Pokemon battling is fun. But it doesn’t matter, because the Pokemon seem to care less than the people who work for the organization called PETA. The point is, catching Pokemon is fun and it’s even funner(which is indeed a word) to battle with them. One such person who battled with these creatures is known as Red, who currently is frozen in an ice cube atop Mt.Silver. Although this boy is probably the greatest Pokemon trainer ever... none have heard the absolutely true tale of his miraculous journey through the Kanto region.
    … Until now



    CHAPTER 1
    Red woke up in his room. He stroked his bed. It was cozy. He stroked the bottom of his bed. It was wet. His mother was most likely going to scold him for wetting the bed again.
    What does she expect? There are no bathrooms in the world of Pokemon!

    With a quick glance at his calendar, Red was ecstatic. It was his tenth birthday. The boy jumped out of bed, his clothes already on, and grabbed a potion off of the table next to his computer. Red knew that ten was the age when you set out on a Pokemon journey. The boy had formed a brilliant plan, to escape before his mom could find out he peed himself again.
    Only true adventures are driven by motives like this.

    Before heading downstairs, he put his hat on his head. He needed some sort of trademark symbol, and his red and white hat was the perfect thing to use.
    Suddenly, the boy thought over going downstairs. The window was a better idea.
    Oh yeah, there were no windows in his room.

    So the boy ran downstairs and out the door, leaving his mom shocked.
    But within ten seconds, he poked his head in, grabbed a slice of the birthday cake and headed out the door again. Even when you’re on a Pokemon journey, you cannot resist ice cream cake.
    Red had never done anything so reckless in his life before. But he had been waiting for this day since he was born. Well, babies cannot think, so he had been waiting for this day since he could think.

    Anyway, Red ran straight towards the grass at the edge of Pallet Town, without giving it a second thought. Just as the red-clothed boy was going to speed through the grass on Route 1, a very elderly-sounding voice drove him to a sudden halt.
    “Hey you, don’t you dare step in that tall gr-ow! My hip... somebody carry me back to my house!”
    An old man who had come up behind Red had fallen and hurt his hip.

    Red walked up to the old man who was wearing a labcoat. He was on the ground, crying in agony. Red wasn’t mean enough to leave him there to die, so he tried to carry him back to his house. Unfortunately, the man was too heavy. So Red grabbed him by the arm and dragged him through the dirt around the town.

    After about ten minutes of unnecessary dragging, the old man grew rather impatient.
    “Hey kid, I said take me to my house! Why are you dragging me around the town in circles? I’m in a lot of pain!”
    Red looked at him, “Oh yeah, sorry. Wait, which house is yours?”
    The old man sighed, “The big laboratory!”
    “K.”

    Red dragged him to his house and through the door. Several scientists who were in the lab hoisted the man upright.
    He looked at Red and eyed him curiously, “Thanks for bringing me here, kid! Now let me inform you that I am Professor Oak! But most people just call me the Pokemon professor! Some people train Pokemon, others keep them as pets. As for me? Well, I study the mating habits of Pokemon as a profession! Just kidding, I just study Pokemon in general. Now, tell me a little bit about yourself! First of all, are you a boy or a girl?”

    Red stared at him as if he was a crazy old man who just asked him what his gender was. Wait, that’s exactly what he was. This caused Red to have a panic attack. But it wore off quickly, and Red was able to answer the question of the old man that has lived near him for 10 years.
    “I’m a boy...”
    “And your name?”
    “Red.”

    “Ok!” the professor exclaimed. His tone of voice was happier than a Happiny. For I would assume that Happinies are happy for the majority of the time... I can't really think of any other person or Pokemon that could be used in this instance. Alright, a Happiny payed me to put his name in this story as being the first Pokemon species to be mentioned. Of course, Happiny haven’t been discovered yet in this point in time, so they will not be of importance.

    “Now then,” the man had drawn Red’s attention back towards him from a wall that was painted ivory, “stop looking at the wall and look over here. Red thought this ivory color was odd, compared to the other walls, which were all white. But Oak’s words were good enough to get the boy to focus on Professor Oak’s lab coat instead, which also seemed to be ivory.
    “This is my grandson,” Oak said, stepping to the side to reveal his grandson who was standing behind him the whole time. “You two have been rivals since you were babies! Er... what was his name again?”

    “Gramps, you’re embarrassing me! And my name is Blue! How could you forget my name again!? Just give me my Pokemon so I can get outta this crummy town, I’m tired of waiting!”
    “Now, Drew, you and I both know that I cleaned up every crumb in this town, so it is no longer crummy. Second, patience is a virtue.”
    “A virtue? I’ve never even heard of that Pokemon! And why did you bring my rival here? I don’t like him! And I definitely don’t want him to get a Pokemon too! And for the last time, my name is Blue, not Drew!”

    “Quiet down, Lou! I’ve had enough of your behavior! Red, take one of those Poke Balls off of that table over there! My grandson here needs to learn a lesson."
    Red walked over to the table and looked at the three Poke Balls. Three different Pokemon were inside of them. Red had been waiting his whole life for this moment, and had years to think over which Pokemon he wanted.

    But he couldn’t tell which Pokemon were in which balls, because there were no labels. So he just took the second ball and pressed the button on it.
    In a flash of some sort of red light, an orange dinosaur thing with a flame on its tail materialized. This Pokemon was so cool, that fancy adjectives like ‘bipedal’, ‘reptilian’ and ‘tangerine-colored’ could describe its appearance. It wasn’t the Dragonite Red had hoped for, but he wasn’t complaining.

    “Ah, I see you picked Charmander. Would you like to name it?”
    “I’ll name him... Charmander.”
    “Very creative, Red. Now, Hugh, take your pick!”
    Blue smiled and gave Red a look that was quite menacing.
    “Hah!” the menacing smirker shot at the not-so-menacing observer, “I’m gonna take the Pokemon with the type advantage over your Pokemon!”
    Blue moonwalked over to the table, and grabbed one of the two remaining Poke Balls.
    “This is Squirtle, right?” he asked.
    “No, that’s Bulbasaur. Remind me to label these Poke Balls next year.”
    “Bulbasaur? Nobody likes these things!” Blue remarked, tossing the Poke Ball out the window.

    The red and white ball hit a girl, who was wearing a white hat, in the hat. In a flash of red light, a frog-like creature with a bulb on its back appeared.
    “Cool!” the girl exclaimed, “I just got a Pokemon without having to go into Professor Oak’s lab! Let’s go catch us some Pokemon, Bulby!”
    Professor Oak watched from the window, not sure how to react.

    When he turned around, he saw that Red and Blue were having a Pokemon battle.
    “Squirtle, use Hydro Pump!”
    The blue turtle did nothing.
    “Charmander, use one of your moves!”
    Charmander used Scratch. It was a critical hit and, since it was Saturday, increased the damage by seventy more percent.
    “This isn’t over yet!” Blue shouted.
    But it was. Squirtle fainted. Charmander levelled up.
    “I’ll beat you when I catch more Pokemon and train them all!” Blue barked at Red. This unnecessary barking was followed by what would soon become his annoying catchphrase, “Smell ya’ later!”

    Red and Professor Oak watched as the boy ran out the door. His Squirtle looked at Charmander and waved goodbye, for the poor turtle was now a slave to an idiot's ten year-old desires.. “Um... yeah, go on an adventure with your Pokemon and try not to get hit by a car while you’re on the streets. Bye Red. And if you see Turquoise, or whatever his name is, tell him that I hate my children for giving birth to him.”

    Red nodded and headed out the door. He snuck by his own house, eating the last of his slice of ice cream cake, and gave Pallet Town one last goodbye. red was not aware that he would be returning in about five minutes. As he approached the grassy edge of Route 1, he easily spotted a Rattata gnawing on a Pidgey's skull. To Red, the world of Pokemon looked promising.
    Last edited by pop-tart; 27th January 2013 at 3:26 AM.

  2. #2
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    I thought it was funny that Oak asked Red his gender when he should have known.

    I just posted a story, in case you're interested.

  3. #3
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    Please skip a line between each paragraph. It makes fics ten times easier to read when they're formatted this way, since we can't indent paragraphs as we usually would.

    I skimmed the fic, and it was all right. I can't say I found it especially funny - you did have jokes I haven't seen before, and Oak's parting words were somewhat amusing, but if random slapstick humour really doesn't work very well in fics for most audiences. It tends to be associated with a younger, less experienced/skilled crowd, so you may want to reconsider using it. I definitely see potential, though - the image of a Rattata gnawing on a Pidgey’s skull is pretty good, but sometimes you need to slow down the pace and use slightly more descriptive language to really milk it for what it's worth.

    Your grammar was fine overall, and the only mistake I found worth noting was
    His tone of voice was happier that Happiny.
    Should be "than" instead of "that," but the sentence doesn't really make much sense either way. Is his voice happier than a Happiny's voice or what, exactly? Also the joke that followed this was one of those "random humour" jokes that just doesn't really do anything.

    Anyhow, please space this out, and try to work a little more on the humour. Slow down the story, use some fun/silly description and whatnot, and don't rush yourself. You don't get great work or a hilarious story without spending time working on it. Good luck,

    ~Psychic

  4. #4
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    Thank you for the constructive criticism. First off, I fixed a few mistakes and added some lines. And I'm happy to hear that my spelling and grammar were fine(except for that one mistake that I fixed-and a few others I found). I'm usually good with spelling and grammar, even without spell check. I tend to ignore it most of the time because I noticed it has been wrong-for example, it indicates "snuck" is not a word. It is. As for the spacing, I'm glad you pointed that out because I have trouble identifying WHERE I should put the spacing. I tried, but I still don't think i did it right. The final thing:my humor is understandably lacking. I understand that I rushed this chapter a bit because none of my original ideas, which there are a lot of, were targeted for the first chapter. I'll try to add more to this chapter, but I can assure you the later ones will definitely be better. I hope, anyway. I have all of my ideas for most of the later scenes, but the first few may start off with a lack of any comedy that can actually possibly make someone laugh. So... thanks. And I shall improve.
    And if I do not... whoever feels the need to may throw a considerably large brick at my face.

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