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Thread: Max's Hoenn Journey

  1. #101
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    Thats another thing. You readers have absolutely no say in his fic. You can't say: "Max should get *insert pokemon here* just a suggestion." That would be writing his fic or him, and is quite immature. If you really want to suggest a pokemon pm him, so that you dont 'undermine' him in the thread.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
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  2. #102
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manaphyman View Post
    Thats another thing. You readers have absolutely no say in his fic. You can't say: "Max should get *insert pokemon here* just a suggestion." That would be writing his fic or him, and is quite immature. If you really want to suggest a pokemon pm him, so that you dont 'undermine' him in the thread.
    I don't really mind it. They can do either thing just as long as they tie it in with their review

    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    Flat: Lacking substance. Nothing is there.

    How can you need FLAT, ELABORATED TO YOU? But oh I forget, you're a person that took four Private Messages, to just start to barely grasp; I read your next chapter, it was NOT improving. But then again I feel you didn't even begin to grasp.

    You only listen to the mindless praise and tack on more crap and filler; you haven't really begun to truly improve, your characters are still flat and unbelievable and out of this world, the situations aren't any better and you still rush and skimp about, and give very little heart or soul to your chapters. It seems you're more focused with filling your thread with spam, from you and your little friends, then actually improving anything.
    If you have read Chapter 5 you will see a great improvement than on Chapter 1. Although I think it's pretty good. And is it possible to say 1 good thing about this?

    The PM's were about how I could improve and they didn't help that much because you didn't really explain. Maybe if you take a sentence from the story and edit it the way you want me to improve that would shed some light.

    Quote Originally Posted by Manaphyman View Post
    Stabberz- I can't understand anything you wrote. Please use proper capitalization and punctuation. Even a drunk monkey can do that.


    Yeah, Yami summed up everything. If you need futher explanation of that...well, lets not go there...
    And maybe you could also take a sentence from my story and edit it the way you want me to improve so it would help me!

    I'm sorry if I seem not to be able to get what you are saying but some people aren't as fast and good at grasping things so you and Yami can't have a go at people for that! A bad review is fine but saying that people should understand it straight away isn't fair.

    Overall Thank You for reviewing

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  3. #103
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    I am going to reply one. Final TIME.

    If you have read Chapter 5 you will see a great improvement than on Chapter 1. Although I think it's pretty good. And is it possible to say 1 good thing about this?
    When I said I looked, I skimmed, I glanced, that I even gave your story a second look, I read the chapter. If I have to read, re-read, and re-re-read, to gleam, any improvement, when I see none at a glance/skim over, then there is no improvement. Yet you claim there is great improvement!

    So did you really want my real opinion and thoughts about things, or just Yami to bow her head in your direction for your self proclaimed greatness, that you did not get.

    The PM's were about how I could improve and they didn't help that much because you didn't really explain. Maybe if you take a sentence from the story and edit it the way you want me to improve that would shed some light.
    I told you how to improve; Read my reviews. Read my reviews. Read my reviews. If my reviews of your past chapters, in my eyes, still fit for your current chapters, then you have not improved! I doubt you also read Advice for Aspiring Authors. And if you are really so helpless;

    Max was a young boy of thirteen, and today was a special day for him; he was about to obtain his first pokemon! And he was excited about this. Sure he was older than the normal trainers, but he didn't let it get him down.

    Smiling to himself as he hurried along the dirt path that was the road of the town, Max couldn't keep himself from thinking about what he and his chosen pokemon, Mudkip, would do. Before chiding himself mentally; 'I won't get Mudkip if I don't get to the professors' in time!' and with that in mind he picked up the pace, not caring if he ended up winded from the sprint. He didn't want anyone to get that water pokemon but himself!


    And now for the part you really,really failed at. but don't use the first or the next. Why? They're examples. Of what you should have been doing.

    Instead of proclaiming you're better when you're not.

    Max beamed at the Mudkip as it appeared, its bright blue skin glistening in the lights of the large room. "Mudkip!" It cried out, jumping about a bit on its short legs, black eyes gleaming in joy at being out while its fins and frill like gills bobbed to and fro from the movement.

    "I'll take-" Max began to speak, his heart set on the small and cute water type, before one of the earlier releases, Charmander, got a look in its eyes. "Charmander char!" It exclaimed, interupting Max and leapt at him. Yelping a bit from surprise, Max stumbled back as he caught the fire lizard instinctively, his dark hazel eyes widening a bit as he recovered his balance and looked down at the Charmander.

    "Chaaar," the pokemon almost purred out, blue eyes bright and innocent looking before nuzzling at Max affectionately, "Er.. wow." Max started, a little stunned. "Do you really want to be my pokemon, that much?" He asked the small lizard, who nodded eagerly, crying out a 'char!'

    Max though, couldn't help but look at the Mudkip, but the water type acted as if it was completely oblivious, not even caring that there was a potential trainer in the room as, while it was cute, it also seemed to be quite simple, and was trying to play with its own shadow.

    As Max looked at the Mudkip though, he never saw the sly gleam that twinkled in the Charmander's eyes. Almost as if it was plotting something..


    And if I remember, you had what. One paragraph for Max getting Charmander and completely forgetting about Mudkip?

    And I still don't really see you taking the time to elaborate or deepen or do anything but skimpily and hurriedly, spew out rushed chapters.

    As I heard someone say before; Oh me oh my.

  4. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    I am going to reply one. Final TIME.



    When I said I looked, I skimmed, I glanced, that I even gave your story a second look, I read the chapter. If I have to read, re-read, and re-re-read, to gleam, any improvement, when I see none at a glance/skim over, then there is no improvement. Yet you claim there is great improvement!

    So did you really want my real opinion and thoughts about things, or just Yami to bow her head in your direction for your self proclaimed greatness, that you did not get.


    I told you how to improve; Read my reviews. Read my reviews. Read my reviews. If my reviews of your past chapters, in my eyes, still fit for your current chapters, then you have not improved! I doubt you also read Advice for Aspiring Authors. And if you are really so helpless;

    Max was a young boy of thirteen, and today was a special day for him; he was about to obtain his first pokemon! And he was excited about this. Sure he was older than the normal trainers, but he didn't let it get him down.

    Smiling to himself as he hurried along the dirt path that was the road of the town, Max couldn't keep himself from thinking about what he and his chosen pokemon, Mudkip, would do. Before chiding himself mentally; 'I won't get Mudkip if I don't get to the professors' in time!' and with that in mind he picked up the pace, not caring if he ended up winded from the sprint. He didn't want anyone to get that water pokemon but himself!


    And now for the part you really,really failed at. but don't use the first or the next. Why? They're examples. Of what you should have been doing.

    Instead of proclaiming you're better when you're not.

    Max beamed at the Mudkip as it appeared, its bright blue skin glistening in the lights of the large room. "Mudkip!" It cried out, jumping about a bit on its short legs, black eyes gleaming in joy at being out while its fins and frill like gills bobbed to and fro from the movement.

    "I'll take-" Max began to speak, his heart set on the small and cute water type, before one of the earlier releases, Charmander, got a look in its eyes. "Charmander char!" It exclaimed, interupting Max and leapt at him. Yelping a bit from surprise, Max stumbled back as he caught the fire lizard instinctively, his dark hazel eyes widening a bit as he recovered his balance and looked down at the Charmander.

    "Chaaar," the pokemon almost purred out, blue eyes bright and innocent looking before nuzzling at Max affectionately, "Er.. wow." Max started, a little stunned. "Do you really want to be my pokemon, that much?" He asked the small lizard, who nodded eagerly, crying out a 'char!'

    Max though, couldn't help but look at the Mudkip, but the water type acted as if it was completely oblivious, not even caring that there was a potential trainer in the room as, while it was cute, it also seemed to be quite simple, and was trying to play with its own shadow.

    As Max looked at the Mudkip though, he never saw the sly gleam that twinkled in the Charmander's eyes. Almost as if it was plotting something..


    And if I remember, you had what. One paragraph for Max getting Charmander and completely forgetting about Mudkip?

    And I still don't really see you taking the time to elaborate or deepen or do anything but skimpily and hurriedly, spew out rushed chapters.

    As I heard someone say before; Oh me oh my.
    Yeah Well Some of us haven't been here for 3 years so we aren't as "Skilled" in Your art of making everything perfect

  5. #105
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    Doesnt matter how long you're here. You need maturity, practice, and just sometimes a bit of skill.

    That said, harryheart, we've explained EVERYTHING to you multiple times. If you dont get it, well, thats your problem.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
        Spoiler:- Review Policy and Image Credit:

  6. #106
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    i have to say with my own oppionion that it couldn't stop reading it! it was thrilling! but what ever happened o theyr pknm i wont to now what they did, while all of this was going on?

    also what happened at the end did officer jenny let them get away or what. i got confused...cause if she did that would have been bad do to the fact that tangrowth could have grabed them...

    i have to saw that you painted a picture for the mind to see...only a couple of scenes whare my mind wondered, but mostly all of the time i was on the end of my seat!

    claimed:

  7. #107
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yami Ryu View Post
    I told you how to improve; Read my reviews. Read my reviews. Read my reviews. If my reviews of your past chapters, in my eyes, still fit for your current chapters, then you have not improved! I doubt you also read Advice for Aspiring Authors. And if you are really so helpless;
    Yes I have read the ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS twice to be precise.

    Quote Originally Posted by OBSESSED WITH PKNM View Post
    i have to say with my own opinion that it couldn't stop reading it! it was thrilling! but what ever happened o theyr pknm i wont to now what they did, while all of this was going on?

    also what happened at the end did officer jenny let them get away or what. i got confused...cause if she did that would have been bad do to the fact that tangrowth could have grabed them...

    i have to saw that you painted a picture for the mind to see...only a couple of scenes whare my mind wondered, but mostly all of the time i was on the end of my seat!
    Thank You for the review

    The whole Officer Jenny thing will be explained in the upcoming Chapter. I'm glad it had you on the end of your seat, thats good to know. And yes Tangwroth could have grabbed them I suppose, but...

    Well the Pokemon will be explained again in the upcoming Chapter. I hope this answers some of your questions!

    Quote Originally Posted by Stabberz View Post
    Yeah Well Some of us haven't been here for 3 years so we aren't as "Skilled" in Your art of making everything perfect
    And yes, I totally agree. But that said I have taken everyones reviews into consideration and now understand what Yami has been trying to say and what Manaphyman has also been saying.

    Thank you 2 for taking the time to help me improve
    Last edited by harryheart; 30th September 2008 at 4:27 PM.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  8. #108
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    Well, I promised you I would start reading your story, and so I have. However, I'm in a rush to leave soon, so I can only review chapter 1.

    Plot-Wise: 8/10. The first chapter was a bit cliche, and I find it unecessary that Max should be allowed to choose Kanto starters as well. However, since I haven't read about Max and Charmander's relationship, I'm a bit biased.

    Spelling and Grammer Wise: 9.5/10. Almost all spelling was correct (there were one or two mistakes, but that was it) and besides a missing comma or apostrophe here or there, grammer was perfect.

    Description Wise: 10/10. I must say I could picture the whole first chapter in my head! As you described the smell of the pancakes, I myself felt as if I could smell them. The description was very clear and left no questions like "what shirt was Max wearing" or "how was his Mom helping him pack?". Everything was answered in a great way.

    Overall: 27.5/30. An amazing first chapter, and I can't wait until I read the rest!
    YOU JUST LOST THE GAME

    Quote Originally Posted by KickAsh View Post
    Guess what Gallade did last night? I don't know. Maybe he was at the bar, having a few drinks with his bros because even though he is so awesome he is also agreeable and a normal guy, just like you and me. Maybe he was with a woman. Maybe he was drag racing HORSES, which is a sport he invented. You know what else Gallade invented? The lightbulb.
    AND LIFE ITSELF.

    Gallade.

  9. #109
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sinnoh Champion View Post
    Well, I promised you I would start reading your story, and so I have. However, I'm in a rush to leave soon, so I can only review chapter 1.

    Plot-Wise: 8/10. The first chapter was a bit cliche, and I find it unecessary that Max should be allowed to choose Kanto starters as well. However, since I haven't read about Max and Charmander's relationship, I'm a bit biased.

    Spelling and Grammer Wise: 9.5/10. Almost all spelling was correct (there were one or two mistakes, but that was it) and besides a missing comma or apostrophe here or there, grammer was perfect.

    Description Wise: 10/10. I must say I could picture the whole first chapter in my head! As you described the smell of the pancakes, I myself felt as if I could smell them. The description was very clear and left no questions like "what shirt was Max wearing" or "how was his Mom helping him pack?". Everything was answered in a great way.

    Overall: 27.5/30. An amazing first chapter, and I can't wait until I read the rest!
    A 27.5/30 is great for Chapter 1, thank you. And if you liked Chapter 1 then I'm hoping that Chapters 2,3,4 and 5 would prove to be better. Yes I must admit that my Grammar is rather shaky here and there you might say but I am constantly working on that. Spelling I will look through and edit the incorrect words.

    And description with a 10/10 is wonderful, I am hoping that that improves throughout the corse of the story. Thank you for a pleasant review.

    A quick note I will be editing my first post with the release dates of upcoming chapters

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  10. #110
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    This is really good, your grammar will improve as you continue with the story.

    I can't wait to read the rest of it.




    Credit to Mr. Joker for the Glee banner
    Credit to Skiyomi for the lovely Blue Snover banner

    If anyone is interested in a custom ribbon for your profile pic, be sure to check out Ayra's sprite thread in the fanart section, if you want to take a look at her work have a look at my profile.

  11. #111
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    Quote Originally Posted by ash101 View Post
    nice story good discripsion and good plot keep it up.
    Thank you, the plot line will take a drastic turn in the upcoming chapter but it may not be visible straight away

    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Snover View Post
    This is really good, your grammar will improve as you continue with the story.

    I can't wait to read the rest of it.
    Yes, grammar is a down fall of mine but I intend to improve on that and hopefully in the next few Chapters that will be visible
    Last edited by harryheart; 7th October 2008 at 4:26 PM.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  12. #112
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    Ive only read the first chapter- but that was really good, i admit i found Max annoying in the anime, but he is ALOT better here, carry on writing, its really good so far 8/10
    SIG UNDER CONSTRUCTION

  13. #113
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    Default Max's Hoenn Journey Chapter 6

    At last, the long awaited Chapter 6 is ready, after being edited twice with more description and longer scenes. ENJOY!

    Chapter 6: Zigzag through the mind!

    Max was thrown harshly against the inside of a metal machine, not being able to see exactly what was taking place as his injury was causing him to become weaker and weaker. He heard a woman speaking to him; unfortunately again this was muffled as his mind was concentrating on the throbbing pain pounding in his chest. His instincts were informing him of friends in need, but just who they were, he couldn’t remember. More voices entered the whirl of vibrations buzzing around Max, intending to penetrate the walls of his secluded mind. He heard the cries of little, unknown voices, not speaking the language he knew, they just seemed to keep on repeating the same word over and over again but with different intonations. Maybe he was just having a bad dream. Creatures just saying one word and only one word seemed really weird and rather crazy. Once all the complaining was over a certain warmth crept over his muscles, seeping into his skin and rested like a layer of mould over his body. Max began to feel sluggish and dozy, wondering what was causing the strange effects on him. More calls were sounding again with a slight electrical buzz in the background. Had he been encased in an electrified cage? Before he had a chance to answer the question posed in his mind, darkness thrust itself into Max’s vision. All lights seemed to switch off!

    Bolting upright and back into his world, Max rubbed his mahogany eyes free of bitterness. It seemed that the previous days experiences had affected him more than he had originally thought. Quietly he wriggled out of the bed that Joshua had kindly allowed him to stay in the night before. He grabbed his warm clothing and stumbled into the bathroom, locking it as he whisked himself in. Dumping everything in his hand to one side he clambered into the shower, not bothering to take his green t-shirt and red shorts off. Max just needed to be woken up, then maybe he could think straight and erase the nightmare from his system. The hum lurched on, chugging away in the background while a cool jet of water lashed over Max, swallowing him into an array of droplets.

    The water continued to splash upon his weary body while he began to recap his nightmare, playing it over and over again in his mind as if it was a remote controlling a DVD. ‘Maybe he was just having a bad dream, creatures just saying one word and only one word seemed really weird and rather crazy.’ How could he have forgotten Pokemon and how they act? Tears swelled in his eyes, Budew and Charmander had needed him and he wasn’t able to help them. All he had done was think that these creatures were crazy!

    Two loud knocks tapped on the door to the blue striped bathroom, “Max, are you all right?” Roxanne had been awoken by the noise of the shower pattering in her ear like a calm rain shower. “Are you feeling better?”

    “Yes, Roxanne! I’m fine. I just wanted a shower to sooth my muscles.” The young boy stretched his tightened muscles, relaxing himself; he switched the shower off stepping onto the fury carpet. Dripping everywhere, he reached for a towel drying himself and his clothes the best he could. Slipping kindly off his damp skin, the clothes were placed in a bag, ready to be hung out to dry in the glistening morning sun. After a rapid change, Max flung himself out of the bathroom door, making sure that his glance didn’t befall that of his Pokemon. He couldn’t face them at the moment; he had to give them space.

    The brisk morning air tickled his fresh skin, causing the hairs to stand on end from a slight chill. Max however was in a mind of his own not feeling the effects, depressing himself with the thoughts of the helicopter. Not realizing he was doing so, he subconsciously pulled his damp clothes from their plastic covering and clipped them to a washing line outside of the thatched hut with the wooden clips already hanging there, swaying a little in the light wind. Shortly after his approach into the clearing, Roxanne followed keeping a watchful eye on his on goings, her apprehensive look indicating her vexed thoughts. She couldn’t understand what was going on with Max, why was he acting so strange?

    Seeing the beautiful shine of the morning dancing on the bright green leaves, spreading a joyous feeling from one plant to the next, Max sullenly lowered himself to the ground, banging his back against the Willow tree positioned behind him. For once he didn’t cry out in pain, as he knew either Joshua or Roxanne would be out of the cabin in no time, to rapidly aid him. Instead tears flourished to his maroon eyes, feverishly containing themselves behind the white seal. Drawing his knees toward his dismayed face, Max couldn’t help burry himself into the lavish comfort of the black trousers, radiating a warm sense of pleasure through his gloomy and murky mind. A calm sense of relaxation multiplied like bacteria in every small section of his skin, acting in a style of meditation!

    “Oy! You!” A brown haired girl stood a mere metre away from Max, her pink mini skirt crinkling in the light breeze. Max vaguely lifted his head to a point of seeing her black fluffy boots, poised as if she was about to do something extreme. “Are you with us?” She appeared to have become a tad less agitated, launching into an uncontrolled babble! “Well actually using the term ‘with us’ could suggest that you weren’t originally in our reality which is possible since know one really knows what reality is but I’m sure they will some day and figure out whether we are just…”

    “Okay, okay, okay, I get it! You don’t need to keep on at me!” Max broke free from his calm, relaxed mental state, arising to his feet and positioning himself into an aggravated stance! “There is no need to ramble on at me!” His persona changed to a bully, causing the girl to react with a fearful reply.

    “I’m sorry,” she cried with a howling wail, “I didn’t want to come across rude.” She retracted away from Max, causing him to revert back to his normal self. “Also, the main reason I came over here was to ask for a battle. Y…you see, I’ve only just got my starter Pokemon and I wanted to test my skills.” She compelled herself back into a cheerful smile, impatient for her first ever battle.

    “Okay then! I accept!” Max whisked his hand to the location of his PokeBalls, realising that his Pokemon were still at the cabin. “Er, sorry to bring your idea to a halt, but er, my Pokemon are just back through there if you still want a battle!” Max stuttered, this time retracting in order to leave unscathed. He indicated to the clearing that he had just escaped from, “There, that’s where we have to go!”

    *****

    They had finally arrived at the wooden hut, proceeding inaudibly inside. To Max’s dismay Roxanne was blocking his clear path to the Pokemon, playing together like Nursery children. His fearful expression revived onto the clean skin, unaware of its presence.

    “Max, what’s wrong? You’ve been acting strange all morning and I need answers!” Roxanne came across as a stern figure deciphering an ancient code.

    “I…I don’t know what your talking about,” his determined ability to prove himself wrong once again overpowering the need for truth, with a sudden need to change the conversation. “Please can you let me take Budew for a battle?”

    “Not until you tell me what is the matter!” The two both seemed to have forgotten the presence of Max’s new friend, witnessing what seemed (from her point of view) to be a ridiculous little feud! She could tell that Max was caving to the idea of coming clean.

    “It’s just that…well erm…something that happened last night!” Twitching as the words escaped his solid grasp. Joshua sauntered into the fire lit room, swiftly stopping at the noticeable silence discharging itself from the three stragglers, who a few seconds ago where in a heated discussion.

    “Am I interrupting?” He questioned with an admirable amount of courage, but just like with the girl he was totally ignored. The silence bellowed it’s noise for more minutes to come, ignoring any possible sign of interruption.

    The four eyes continued to be fixated with one another like they were the mouths doing the talking. At last Roxanne finally stated her thoughts as if she had understood the problem at hand. “Max, you don’t have to worry about dreams, they are just your imaginations view on things. There is no need to worry!”

    “Wow, for a second there you sounded like one of my sisters newest friends, how odd! And I suppose your right! There is no need to worry.” Swivelling around to face his newest friend, Max compellingly started to lighten up his mood, “So, you ready for that battle I promised you!”

    *****

    The glare of the mid-day sun roared in the picturesque sky, providing a glimpse of happiness onto the damned Earth.

    “You can have the first move, being a gentleman and all!” Max grabbed a hold of the small ball containing the petite bud Pokemon, Budew. Pressing the centre white button, it expanded in size signalling that the battle was about to begin. The youngster opposite placed her blue handbag beside her feet; reaching to a PokeBall attached to her miniskirt, she did the exact same motion, throwing her PokeBall into the middle of the battle arena. This Pokemon that appeared, looked like it was a grass type, since it was a whitey colour blended with a light green touch. It was on all fours and had a green dots around its shiny neck, the most amazing thing was the leaf on top of its’ rounded head. Max seized his Pokédex from the pocket that it was now obtained in.

    The device began to recall its' nature, “Chikorita, the dinosaur Pokemon, it uses the leaf to determine the temperature in it’s environment and loves to sunbathe when it posses the chance!” After slipping it neatly back into the pocket of his trousers, he threw the PokeBall in his left hand, out of the white beam emerged Budew, dancing on the spot with the occasional chirp of contentment.

    Open space surrounded the two onlookers, watching the adolescents prepare for a casual battle, with the relatively near past pushed further and further behind them. Max and Budew were rearing to go, a proper battle for them to test their skills and teamwork. “Hm, two grass types against each other, this shall prove to be fascinating, therefore let’s commence!” With a yell of support from the sidelines, the opponents lunged towards each other, waiting for their trainers to relay commandments.

    “Chikorita, given that you’re up there lets use Tackle!” The tiny grass Pokemon tucked her legs into her side bending her head down. With one sharp movement, Chikorita’s slammed into Budew with its’ full body weight as the force. Budew back flipped onto her legs, posing with style.

    “Budew lets use your Bullet Seed attack, followed up with Water Sport!” A yellow shine released miniature seeds in the dozen at a horrific speed, Chikorita had no chance to dodge, but the lass thought on her feet, instructing the Pokemon to counter with Razor Leaf. The leaf upon Chikorita span like a rotor on a Helicopter, creating sharp leaves that cut the oncoming seeds with no trouble at all. Budew quickly reacted by energetically vibrating its’ small body in order to fabricate water. The approaching leaves were splattered, along with Chikorita. At first it didn’t prove to be a significant problem, until the attack began to slow down, dropping dead against the soil. Everyone realised that the move was used defensively to allow Budew a chance to move earlier and let the attacks hit. “It didn’t work as I expected it to, but destroying your attack certainly helped!”

    “The battle isn’t over yet so don’t jump to immediate conclusions Max,” called Roxanne from the bench at the boundary of the arena. “You need to think strategically if you’re going to win this one!”

    “Well we’re not going to mess up from here onwards, Chikorita Leach Seed now!” The green dots around Chikorita’s neck glowed a vibrant red, linking them all together. As a result it released three giant buds, directly hitting Budew. After impact, vines swept from one bulb to the next, connecting together. Zaps of energy constantly hit Budew, draining power out and into Chikorita. Roxanne declared the battle over, saying Budew was unable to continue the battle. Max ran beside his injured Pokemon, tearing the damaging attack from Budew. He cradled her in his loving arms, standing straight up and gleaming at the winner.

    “Well done!” He withdrew one of his arms from Budew, gesturing his appreciation. The girl took his hand into hers’, returning his gleeful smile. “Budew will be alright, and you’ve shown me my errors, thank you.”

    “Really I should be thanking you for giving me and outstanding first battle, and if others are like this then we will have amazing battles in our attempt to wins ribbons!”

    “So you are a Coordinator, good luck in your contests. I hope to see you again some day. One last thing before I forget, what did you say your name was?”

    “Oh, I didn’t mention that, how silly of me! My name’s Harriet, nice to formally greet you!”

    *****
    Last edited by harryheart; 19th October 2008 at 10:49 AM.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
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  14. #114
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    I thought the new chapter is VERY good! I have one thing, Chikorita is not the dinosaur Pokemon, I think it is the leaf pokemon. I rate it as 8/10. Keep doing good!


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  15. #115
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    Hmm it seems confusing ath frist but i GOT it in the end
    Ok hmm well I know what the girl looks like since I made the picture of her :P But Maybe you should describe her to the others reading
    Over all 9/10 no errors it was great

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  16. #116
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    Oh....oh my.

    I think I'm done with this fic. I saw absolutely NO IMPROVEMENT AT ALL. Description was atrocious...or non-existent.

    The brisk morning air tickled his fresh skin, causing the hairs to stand on end from a slight chill. Max however was in a mind of his own not feeling the effects, depressing himself with the thoughts of the helicopter. Not realizing he was doing so, he subconsciously pulled his damp clothes from their plastic covering and clipped them to a washing line outside of the thatched hut with the wooden clips already hanging there, swaying a little in the light wind. Shortly after his approach into the clearing, Roxanne followed keeping a watchful eye on his on goings, her apprehensive look indicating her vexed thoughts. She couldn’t understand what was going on with Max, why was he acting so strange?
    The one spot in the fic with descrption, and it was a list one sentence long! I mean come on. Read other fics so you can grasp how to describe things. (duncan's, Ledian_X's, anyones really.)

    Your grammar/spelling was absolutely atrocious as well. Look, I make tons of mistakes, but yours were just WAY over the top.

    On that subject, the piece does not flow at all! Choppy transitions and rushed action make it corny and unrealistic. The length detracts from the story as well, the chapter is simply too short. Too much happens in a paragraph.

    Your characters are still generic and flat! Make Max your own for godness sake. Everything is so corny. Look, imagine YOU were Max, and write down how you would react and deal with these situations, and what you would say and do. But please dont make Max even MORE of a Gary-stu.

    Now, just as a sarcastic jab at your 'readers': 1.5/10 tops. You other guys need to open your eyes and help this kid...

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    That Was brilliant but i agree with danchimchar i think you should describe Harriet more

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    I would say 8.5/10 and also try to describe Harriet some more?

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    The parts in bold are where I have described a few things about her clothes, but if you want more then I will add it!
    And a small question, when you say describe her more do you mean face?

    “Oy! You!” A brown haired girl stood a mere metre away from Max, her pink mini skirt crinkling in the light breeze. Max vaguely lifted his head to a point of seeing her black fluffy boots, poised as if she was about to do something extreme. “Are you with us?” She appeared to have become a tad less agitated, launching into an uncontrolled babble! “Well actually using the term ‘with us’ could suggest that you weren’t originally in our reality which is possible since know one really knows what reality is but I’m sure they will some day and figure out whether we are just…”
    The youngster opposite placed her blue backpack beside her feet; reaching to a PokeBall attached to her miniskirt, she did the exact same motion, throwing her PokeBall into the middle of the battle arena.

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    I think this was great, introducing Chikorita was what did it for me.

    Harriet sounds like she could turn out to be an interesting character, i noticed that people have said about adding more description for her, but you could do that if she comes back.

    You could describe how she has progressed as a co-ordinator since their 1st battle.

    Overall nice piece of work 9/10




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    *sigh* all the ridiculously high ratings...

    The parts in bold are where I have described a few things about her clothes, but if you want more then I will add it!
    And a small question, when you say describe her more do you mean face?
    You said 'blue' and 'short.' Those are adjectives yes, but NOT DESCRIPTION. I beg you, read another fic on these forums...preferably duncan's or bay's or Dark_Persian479's.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Manaphyman View Post
    *sigh* all the ridiculously high ratings...


    You said 'blue' and 'short.' Those are adjectives yes, but NOT DESCRIPTION. I beg you, read another fic on these forums...preferably duncan's or bay's or Dark_Persian479's.
    I do read quite a lot of fics and I can see where their strong points are. Yes description of Harriet is just, short or blue, but more will be revealed later on in Chapters for a clearer picture. I will be editing this one again with a few pieces here and there!

    Also I would really like it if you could review my Short Story The Life I Once Survived. This does have a lot more descripton

    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Snover View Post
    I think this was great, introducing Chikorita was what did it for me.

    Harriet sounds like she could turn out to be an interesting character, i noticed that people have said about adding more description for her, but you could do that if she comes back.

    You could describe how she has progressed as a co-ordinator since their 1st battle.

    Overall nice piece of work 9/10
    Chikorita is probably my second favourite starter, following the glorious Charmander. So I wanted someone to have that.

    More about Harriet will be revealed in later Chapters, a bit about her background and so on.

    And your last point is a good suggestion, and everyone will see her improvements in a few Chapters time, It's already written but Chapter 7 isn't, how strange.

    Thank You for your review
    Last edited by harryheart; 11th October 2008 at 8:53 AM.

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  23. #123
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    Harryheart, you cant just say 'more in the later chapters' and then think that will suffice. It wont. You've been saying that for a while now, and well...nothings improved. Own up to the fact that you didnt describe her well this chapter, but you will next chapter, not that you did it purposely.

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  24. #124
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manaphyman View Post
    Harryheart, you cant just say 'more in the later chapters' and then think that will suffice. It wont. You've been saying that for a while now, and well...nothings improved. Own up to the fact that you didnt describe her well this chapter, but you will next chapter, not that you did it purposely.
    I'm not saying that I did it purposely and sorry if thats what it sounded like, I was saying that I didn't describe her that much in this Chapter, yes, and I will edit it or add more stuff into later Chapters. I didn't mean for it to sound like that.

    And harriet only appeared in this Chapter so I didn't say I was going to describe her more before.

    Things I said I would describe more were Joshua, who I did on purpose and then described In Chapter 4

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  25. #125
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    I've seen chapter 6 and, WOW! HARRIET!!! YAY! It's great to see her in action! I may have mentioned this in a PM to you, but, Chikorita is the leaf pokemon, not the dinosaur pokemon. LULZ! The start was weird, what was it about? Why was he upset? Besides that, it was a really good chapter. I'd give it a 8.5/10, really good work, keep it up. Oh, also, I hope to see more of Harriet, she seems awesome!
    Last edited by Me_Love_Eevee!; 11th October 2008 at 4:25 PM.
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