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Thread: Max's Hoenn Journey

  1. #176
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    it's me with my review on chapter 2! I'm doing things one chapter at a time.

    He reached into his Shorts pocket and brought out his Pokédex
    Capital letter or shorts? Why?

    affectionate evening sky
    Nice, possibly slighlty crazy metaphor.

    And about Rhyperior, you've spelt it wrong. You forget the 'h' Bit odd to find a wild Rhyperior in such an early route...

    But other than that, this chapter was very good. Your description is very effective, but maybe emotions could be done in more detail? I am intrigued to find out what will happen with this 'Protector'. After all, we already have a Rhyperior...

  2. #177
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sinnohdragon View Post
    it's me with my review on chapter 2! I'm doing things one chapter at a time.



    Capital letter or shorts? Why?



    Nice, possibly slighlty crazy metaphor.

    And about Rhyperior, you've spelt it wrong. You forget the 'h' Bit odd to find a wild Rhyperior in such an early route...

    But other than that, this chapter was very good. Your description is very effective, but maybe emotions could be done in more detail? I am intrigued to find out what will happen with this 'Protector'. After all, we already have a Rhyperior...
    Hmm! I suppose Shorts didn't need a capital letter! Sorry about the miss spelling of Rhyperior! That is a bumma!

    And the protector last for a few chapters may I say!

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
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    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  3. #178
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    Default Max's Hoenn Journey Chapter 8

    I'm sorry this is so late, but here it is finally. Enjoy it, and may I say a big Thank You to ManaphyMan who is now my Beta.


    Chapter 8: A Blast From The Past

    A wild wind swept through the beaten forest, raising a few Pokemon from a mid morning nap. Next to the rushing river stood Max and Roxanne, in excited postures. Roxanne tossed a red and white PokeBall into the middle of the path, seeming completely relaxed unlike Max. A white light appeared, and escaping from within it came a towering rock snake glaring at Charmander, not once lifting its intimidating gaze. Charmander was interlocked into Onix’s eyes, which seemed to defeat Charmander without attacking him! Max was also feeling the heat; he had encountered Onix’s before but he was never attempting to beat one in a battle, especially with a type disadvantage. All around the raging battle were small chirps from other Pokemon, like the green striped Caterpillar, peaking through the bushes on the other side of the ongoing sapphire river. The Caterpie seemed intensively agitated for an unknown reason.

    “Okay, Charmander, we can do this…” his trail of speech faded, for some reason Max had clammed up.

    “Onix, you ready?” A violent grunt came from the hard Rock Pokemon, “So lets get this party started, use Screech!” Onix rose his head to a further height; with one small movement he blasted a piercing noise toward the cowering Pokemon. The small orangey lizard flew with an immense force along the dusty terrain.

    “Charmander no!” The Fire Pokemon was able to resist the urge to collapse and call defeat, “Charmander fight back with your Screech!” Max called.

    Roxanne was ready, knowing that the inexperienced trainer would probably pull a trick like this, “Onix, retaliate with yours again!” With what seemed like all hell let loose, screeching noises soared like elegant waves of beauty at one another, as if to collapse into each other’s arms. The huge velocities collided with a noticeable difference in force and power, seeing Charmander’s Screech edge back toward him. “Onix, a slight bit more power!” She cried.

    “Charmander you too!” The overall noise was unbearable for both trainers; Max had already resorted to clamping his hands round his ears tightly. Charmander couldn’t hold out any longer, with double the strength it struck his light orange body causing him to topple over. With an aching cry he slumped his head against the coarse ground feeling sharp stabs of small pebbles jab into him. “Charmander! You were great buddy, take a nice long rest.” The red beam of energy jagged its path over to the injured Pokemon and retracted it inside. “Thank you Roxanne, I feel more confident than ever that I will be able to beat my Dad with all this extra training,” Max said, walking over and shaking Roxanne’s hand. He reached across to Onix to feel the roughness of his body, but to his amazement it was as smooth as a marble top, allowing his hands to glide gracefully over the surface without feeling grazed.

    “Anything wrong Max?” Roxanne asked with a puzzled tone.

    “No, I just always though that an Onix would be rough, it came as a rather bewildering surprise you may say!” He chuckled with the faintest of smiles. “Do you think we can get going again, the more time we wait here the more I get excited,” his thrill of battling his Dad reviving in his burning spirit.

    “Sure,” her gentle face soothing the fire alight within Max. “Onix return, we have a long trip ahead.” The gigantic beast flew back inside and caused Max to wonder how something so big could fit into something so small. Roxanne placed the PokeBall back into her handbag; she slung it over her shoulder and proceeded over to Max, “Lets go!”

    *****

    “Jumpluff and Typhlosion let’s show them your power!” A red spiky haired teenager watched as his two beloved Pokemon appeared in front of him, his pair of confident scarlet eyes matching the same fire burning around Typhlosion’s neck. Typhlosion pounded his yellow front body attempting to scare his opponents. The blue floating sphere hovered over her trainer’s head, the three cream cotton balls releasing little threads that blew in the dampened wind. “Typhlosion and Jumpluff, finish this off with one attack each, Flamethrower on Sunflora and Bullet Seed on Geodude.”

    *****

    The sun’s rays reached the top of Max’s head blossoming warmth onto him as he tugged his green and black fleece from his body. He could feel the heat as if it was tickling his sensitive skin relaxing him as he continued walking alongside Roxanne.

    “Roxanne, do you mind if we take a quick lunch stop?” Max asked, wiping sweat from his brow, the sun’s rays becoming more intense.
    Roxanne placed her handbag on the lush grass only a few metres away from the refreshing river. She started rummaging through the items in her bag, taking out ingredients, “Sure thing, I’ll prepare the food while you take a quick dip,” she smiled warmly.

    She grabbed a hold of two PokeBalls in the side Pocket, throwing them high into the air. “Nosepass and Onix; come and take a break!” The towering Snake appeared first and signalled its hunger with a gigantic roar, Nosepass came out without any fuss. “Don’t forget to let your Pokemon out as well!” she called after Max who ran toward the sparkling river, throwing off his t-shirt, which immediately made his body cooler. He plunged straight into the frosty delight where he saw beautifully decorated Pokemon gliding up and down with their majestic fins and tails. The elegance shone as pure beauty to Max, and his amazement captivated his thoughts. For once he felt peaceful and one with nature. He broke through the surface of the water, still with an awe struck face painted on to him. He never knew that Pokemon could be so magnificent and stunning all at once, he could feel what is what like to be with Pokemon.

    *****

    ‘Phlo, Typhlosion,’ the human sized Pokemon roared as it released a jet of fire toward the cowering Sunflora who was immobilized from the fear. The Sunflower Pokemon was struck directly against its cream coloured face causing it to wail in agony as it fell lightly to the floor.

    ‘Pluff,’ cried the cotton Pokemon as hundreds of seeds were released from the cotton spores around its spherical body. The sharp seeds pierced the stony body of the frowning ball of Rock, standing his ground against the oncoming attack. The Bullet Seed started to ricochet from his solid body and strike both Jumpluff and Typhlosion.

    “Argh, I didn’t predict this! Typhlosion and Jumpluff quickly dodge it!” Cried the shady character as he himself ducked out of the way of the repelled attack. Glaring back up he noticed that Geodude was still floating above the ground with only a few injuries received. “Typhlosion and Jumpluff this time we’ll combine our attacks…”

    “I think I’ll get an attack in first mate, Geodude use Rollout on Typhlosion!” Jimmy called out from the opposite side, while his Rock Pokemon starting spinning at a high velocity straight for Typhlosion.

    “Lets react quickly! Both use the same attacks!” The glowing Seeds were released first followed by the warm jet of fire, which started to spiral around the Bullet Seed. Geodude had no time to move out of the way, blundering directly into the intense assault. It swiftly fell against the ground, no longer able to continue the fight!

    *****

    With the sounds of faint ripples crashing over his head Max once again broke the surface of the water, watching Goldeen, Feebas and Mantyke jump into the brisk air. Their movement seemed so stylish as their body’s sparkled in the rays of the sun, and his appreciation of them grew ever fonder.

    He reluctantly swam for the shore, not once averting his gaze from the Pokemon, as he seemed to be learning more and more as he watched their behaviour in their natural habitats.

    “Wow! Aren’t they stunning Roxanne.” Max rhetorically stated with his continuous face of wonder. “I can now understand why and old friend of mine loves to paint them in their natural habitats. You can learn so much from them,” forgetting that he was still sitting in the shallow water of the river.

    Roxanne gave one of her caring smiles as she stared at the back of Max’s head, remembering her time when she felt this way. She returned her attention to the stew that was cooking away while Max began to dry himself down on the towel that Charmander had gracefully given him. Budew was sitting on the patch of grass next to Roxanne, cutting vegetables with her razor like Bullet Seed.

    “Nosepass, wake up! It’s lunch time!” A cry of approval sounded from everyone around. Onix burst through the soil layer of the ground, its surface also glistening in the sun’s rays. Nosepass tottered over to its food bowl immediately slumping down in front of it. Charmander had already dug into his supply and was scoffing the food at a fast rate, while Budew was waiting for her trainer to begin to eat.

    Max had rushed over faster than her had ever done before, grabbing his bowl of stew rapidly out of Roxanne’s delicate grip. Within a matter of seconds his plate was pristine, and he delved in the pan of Vegetable Stew with a super sized ladle.

    “Slow down there Horsea, it ain’t going anywhere!”

    “Dnt quoke me on Potamon jotes,” Max said while spiriting the food in his mouth everywhere. He took a huge gulp and relaxed his face and began to continue, “I just feel the need for more energy, and food gives you lots of it!”

    “But cramming it will only give you stomach cramps or indigestion. You can eat the same amount of food in a longer period of time,” her melodic voice said. Realising that not much conversation was going to be made this mealtime she turned to face the river and its inhabitants playing (as it seemed) softly among the beautiful scenery.

    *****

    “Hah! That’s my win!” The scarlet clear eyes once again piercing Jimmy’s soul as he recalled his Pokemon back to their balls. “I got a tip for you…” he paused, most likely to give an effect to his words following, “Bond with your Pokemon more. If you do that then you will be able to tell what they can do in reaction to an attack. Good Luck!”

    They both clasped the others hand tightly, as if saying that they will meet again. Jimmy parted company, wandering down the track heading towards Oldale Town.

    *****

    Max and Roxanne were moving rather sluggishly after their fattening meal, not really bothering to exert too much energy. Max gazed into the far off distance, hoping to see the sign welcoming them to Petalburg City, but still after six attempts, it wasn’t there. Instead was the silhouette of a young boy heading toward them with a brisk step in his movement, fidgeting around with his yellow and black baseball cap until his positioned it back to front. A quaff of his dark blue hair was sticking out underneath the rim of the hat while he was unfastening the top half of his red fleece.

    “Hey! You!” The young trainer called at Max. “Do you want a Pokemon Battle?” Max was rather taken aback by the unexpected comment thus immediately changing his posture.

    “Sure! I need all the practice I can get!”

    “Okay then! The rules are simple; it’s a double battle, two on two. Whichever team faints first is the looser. Fair rules?”

    “Sounds okay to me!” Completely reverting his dreary attitude, he grabbed Charmander’s and Budew’s PokeBall, “Budew and Charmander lets do our best!”

    “Typhlosion and Beedrill! You too!” Jimmy cried throwing his PokeBalls up high. With a loud crack the four Pokemon stood in front of each other raring to begin the battle, with their eyes interlocking instantly. The Black and White striped wasp clanged its two needles together at the end of its front legs, showing Jimmy that he was ready for a fight. “Beedrill we’ll start this off with your Twineedle attack now! And Typhlosion use your Fire Spin!”

    “Budew and Charmander, doge it!” Max yelled above the humming sound of the Twineedle. The small bud Pokemon swiftly laid herself against the ground, allowing the Fire Spin to wave over her, Charmander however hit back with his ember, which burnt the needles to white ashes floating down upon the surroundings as if they were gentle and elegant snowflakes.

    “Arrgg! We’ll have to take a different approach then. Beedrill up we go and Typhlosion underground!” With a flurry of movement they were gone, nowhere to be seen. This caused minor panic for Max and his Pokemon as they could all be in for a bit of rough and tumble.

    “Charmander, fire your Screech down the hole that Typhlosion dug, Budew sense for his movement underground to determine where he will appear.”

    “You forgot about on crucial thing! Beedril!” With just those words he re-appeared out of the blue, his two razor like needles, shining a metallic silver. With a mighty force he collided with Charmander, stopping his Screech attack straight away, leaving Typhlosion open for an assault on Budew. “Typhlosion, jump out and use your Flame Wheel on Budew!” With warp speed, he darted out of the gaping hole in the ground, too fast for Budew to sense him. He spun into a ball with a flame covering his entire body, quickly lunging straight into Budew. Both Charmander and Budew had fainted from the force of the attacks; they lay there, while Max held their two PokeBalls out to allow them some rest.

    “Charmander and Budew. You deserve a good long rest,” Max said. He clipped them back onto his belt, “Thanks for the practice, I’ve learnt that I can’t just worry about one Pokemon, but I’ve got to keep an eye on both of them.”

    “That’s absolutely correct, but you fought hard Max, and for that you should be proud.” Jimmy replied.

    “Huh? How do you know my name?” Max asked, very surprised by Jimmy’s remark.

    “I’ve met your sister, not that long ago actually, she was training with her Glaceon and Beautifly, they looked magnificent with their appeals. I can see why people love being coordinators so much…” he paused, “We got to know each other a little more, and she showed me a picture of you and you parents, and I then set out looking for you since then!”

    “You’ve been looking for me?” Max seemed very puzzled, wandering what all this was for.

    “Yes, that’s what I just said!” Jimmy laughed, “I went to your house, but your parents said that you were in Oldale Town, so I then trekked down here. Anyway, May gave me this for you, saying you would know what to do with it.” His hand slipped into the pocket of his fleece, drawing out a box, similar to that of a ribbon case. It had red markings all over the black leather, and straightaway Max knew what it was. He reluctantly took a hold of it, fearing what would be inside.

    Before he had a chance to open it and face his fears, a male voice sounded from the opposite side of the river, startling all three “Hey Jimmy, good to see you again!”

    *****
    Last edited by harryheart; 7th December 2008 at 8:51 AM.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  4. #179
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    Great chapter, full of action! Good spelling and grammar and Jimmy appearing was a big shock! Nice cliffhanger, makes me really want to read the next chapter!

    So well done on this chapter and keep up the good work!
    this hope is treacherous, this daydream is dangerous.
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  5. #180
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    Okay, one review, coming up! Bear in mind this is based on my first impressions of the first chapter.

    Description: You have some, but a little more would be nice--pretend we don't know what Max's room looks like, and you are describing it to us. The same for the Pokemon--pretend we're not Pokemon fans and you have to describe them to us.

    Character: Here's where you really need help--why did the Charmander suddenly decide to go with Max? Why is he choosing from two different starter sets when everyone else only has one set?

    Plot: I applaud your effort to fill in what we're not seeing on the show, but it sounds like so many other bad trainer fics (I'm not saying yours is bad, this has some potential with a little work.) You maight want to revise the beginning a bit.

    Rating:

    While not bad, it still needs some work. Keep trying, and you could have a Raichu caliber story.

  6. #181
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    Its Good Very Good.
    We'll frist of all I did love the ending of the cliffhanger which was good for me.
    Jimmy Appearance wouldn't have guest That *Cough* *Cough* :P
    Anyways I liked it Grammer was better than before, storyline hmm ok abit slow and confusing since we have no idea who Jimmy was battleing. But that leads to the suprise and excitment.

    Overall: I'm gonna have to say 7/10 it wasn't exciting as other chapters, but the cliffhanger was good so yep.

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    Quote Originally Posted by TurtwigFan1 View Post
    Great chapter, full of action! Good spelling and grammar and Jimmy appearing was a big shock! Nice cliffhanger, makes me really want to read the next chapter!

    So well done on this chapter and keep up the good work!
    I'm really pleased that you liked this chapter, because you didn't really like the last one. I've spent much longer on this one, both text wise and time wise. This has become my favorite Chapter from no.6!

    Quote Originally Posted by FlamingRuby View Post
    Okay, one review, coming up! Bear in mind this is based on my first impressions of the first chapter.

    Description: You have some, but a little more would be nice--pretend we don't know what Max's room looks like, and you are describing it to us. The same for the Pokemon--pretend we're not Pokemon fans and you have to describe them to us.

    Character: Here's where you really need help--why did the Charmander suddenly decide to go with Max? Why is he choosing from two different starter sets when everyone else only has one set?

    Plot: I applaud your effort to fill in what we're not seeing on the show, but it sounds like so many other bad trainer fics (I'm not saying yours is bad, this has some potential with a little work.) You maight want to revise the beginning a bit.

    Rating:

    While not bad, it still needs some work. Keep trying, and you could have a Raichu caliber story.
    I would love for it to become a Raichu Caliber story. I think that the next few chapters will be better written to the style of the first chapter. And quite a lot of questions will be answered in upcoming chapters to be posted. But I will probably go and re-edit Chapter 1, as you want to capture the reader right from the start!

    Quote Originally Posted by DanChimchar View Post
    Its Good Very Good.
    We'll frist of all I did love the ending of the cliffhanger which was good for me.
    Jimmy Appearance wouldn't have guest That *Cough* *Cough* :P
    Anyways I liked it Grammer was better than before, storyline hmm ok abit slow and confusing since we have no idea who Jimmy was battleing. But that leads to the suprise and excitment.

    Overall: I'm gonna have to say 7/10 it wasn't exciting as other chapters, but the cliffhanger was good so yep.
    Sorry it wasn't as good as expected, but hopefully the next few will be a lot better. The Jimmy appearance was also a shock to me, as he wasn't planned to appear, he just did! LOL! Bit I'm glad he did as this makes the transition from Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 a lot easier!

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  8. #183
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    Yeah, this chapter was a major improvement harry. I'd like the other chapters to be like this, shorter chapters don't grip me because when I get into it it's already finished! Keep up the good work!
    this hope is treacherous, this daydream is dangerous.
    ~I've claimed Turtwig~

  9. #184
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    This seemed like a great chapter. At first, I thought that Max was having an offcial battle against Roxanne. I guess that soon he will.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Torpoleon View Post
    This seemed like a great chapter. At first, I thought that Max was having an offcial battle against Roxanne. I guess that soon he will.
    I'm really pleased that this chapter has been a rather good one, as said in a post before I think it is my favorite, and from all the comments it seems a good choice.

    And yes, Max and Roxanne will have an official battle at some point. But when, we'll have to see!

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
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    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  11. #186
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    It sounds great, i like the fact that there's a new character.

    Keep up the good work.




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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Snover View Post
    It sounds great, i like the fact that there's a new character.

    Keep up the good work.
    Thank You for reviewing my recent chapter! And the new chaaracters will be appearing as regulars, a bit like Paul in the recent series!

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  13. #188

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    Hey harry, I really like your fic. It's very good for a trainer journey fic. Keep up the good work!
    One minor problem - Charmander and Budew are from Kanto and Sinnoh, respectively. I find it strange that Max's first two pokemon are not from Hoenn, but that's really a small issue.
    Last edited by zen_master_dude; 28th December 2008 at 9:54 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by zen_master_dude View Post
    Hey harry, I really like your fic. It's very good for a trainer journey fic. Keep up the good work!
    One minor problem - Charmander and Budew are from Kanto and Sinnoh, respectively. I find it strange that Max's first two pokemon are not from Hoenn, but that's really a small issue.
    Thank You for your review, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. The fic is starting to find its feat you may say, and the next few Chapters will outline more of Max's character in this story. Along with a few others.

    Yes I must say that the reason behind Charmander and Budew were for the exact reasons you said. I didn't want it to be like most trainer fics so I spiced it up a little you may say by having him obtain Pokemon from different regions. Don't worry though he does get Hoenn Pokemon in the future.

    I am really pleased you have taken time to read my story and it pleases me more to know that you enjoy it.

    A note for everybody.

    Chapter 9 will be released on 13th January so come back then to find it, or you can follow a link that I will put in my sig to that one Chapter.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

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    I'm surprised most of you didn't notice the tremendous improvement old HH (harryheart, thats your new nickname) has made here.

    With my 'pain in the ***' prodding, HH has rose to the challenge and improved tenfold. (At least, that is my own humble opinion.)

    Description is improving, plot is finally resembling that of an established fic, and your writing style has improved.

    Just posting here to let you know how proud I am.

    ~MM

    Don't rush the next chapter. From what I've read and corrected, it's coming along good.

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    Quote Originally Posted by harryheart View Post
    Thank You for your review, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. The fic is starting to find its feat you may say, and the next few Chapters will outline more of Max's character in this story. Along with a few others.

    Yes I must say that the reason behind Charmander and Budew were for the exact reasons you said. I didn't want it to be like most trainer fics so I spiced it up a little you may say by having him obtain Pokemon from different regions. Don't worry though he does get Hoenn Pokemon in the future.

    I am really pleased you have taken time to read my story and it pleases me more to know that you enjoy it.

    A note for everybody.

    Chapter 9 will be released on 13th January so come back then to find it, or you can follow a link that I will put in my sig to that one Chapter.
    That's OK! Take your time so your talent isn't rushed. I like that you have it different from most trainer fics by making the trainers have Pokemon not traditionally in that region too!

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  17. #192
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manaphyman View Post
    I'm surprised most of you didn't notice the tremendous improvement old HH (harryheart, thats your new nickname) has made here.

    With my 'pain in the ***' prodding, HH has rose to the challenge and improved tenfold. (At least, that is my own humble opinion.)

    Description is improving, plot is finally resembling that of an established fic, and your writing style has improved.

    Just posting here to let you know how proud I am.

    ~MM

    Don't rush the next chapter. From what I've read and corrected, it's coming along good.
    Thank You MM! Without you the past Chapter wouldn't have been as possible and the upcoming one definetly wouldn't have!

    You have been a great help and you still are, I'm proud to have you as my beta.

    Quote Originally Posted by Torpoleon View Post
    That's OK! Take your time so your talent isn't rushed. I like that you have it different from most trainer fics by making the trainers have Pokemon not traditionally in that region too!
    And yes! I didn't want my trainer fic to be anormal one as I'm not very normal, and I don't think Max is either. So their are many ideas in this which should hopefully keep it far from being a normal trainer fic.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
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    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  18. #193
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    Er...so this is my first review.

    Chapters 1-7
    Wow...how do I put this? Well, after reading all the way through chapters one and two, I just skimmed over the rest of the chapters, picking up on main points and such. Frankly, it was hard for me to get through because of the grammar errors and the writing. I think by far the worst part of the story is the way the characters are portrayed. Max's character from even the anime is practically destroyed. Reading the plot line burned even more. Somehow, these random encounters Max is having grates me the wrong way, though it's mostly just because of the lack of description.

    The part that burns me most is the character's lines and personality. I literally got a headache reading the first few chapters because they seemed to be taken straight out of the anime...gone wrong.

    So, chapters 1-7...2.5 out of 10 at most.

    Now, I saw some improvement in chapter 8. You had various esteemed writers post in this thread (one of which has helped me in the past through their harsh way of reviewing) and their comments really didn't set in until this chapter. I see a bit of improvement with characters and description, but the parts that interrupted the main story with Jimmy and whoever (I'm not saying who it is, but I have a clue) could have used much more description to open them up.

    So far, bringing Jimmy in may help, because you have a good trainer to interact with the sorry mess of characters you have in here so far. Hopefully he brings some brains with him.

    As of chapter 8...uh...I guess 4 out of 10. The current standing. Might go up in the future, hopefully.

    ...

    ...

    That was the longest review I have ever written. o_0

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    Quote Originally Posted by chosen_one386 View Post
    Er...so this is my first review.

    Chapters 1-7
    Wow...how do I put this? Well, after reading all the way through chapters one and two, I just skimmed over the rest of the chapters, picking up on main points and such. Frankly, it was hard for me to get through because of the grammar errors and the writing. I think by far the worst part of the story is the way the characters are portrayed. Max's character from even the anime is practically destroyed. Reading the plot line burned even more. Somehow, these random encounters Max is having grates me the wrong way, though it's mostly just because of the lack of description.

    The part that burns me most is the character's lines and personality. I literally got a headache reading the first few chapters because they seemed to be taken straight out of the anime...gone wrong.

    So, chapters 1-7...2.5 out of 10 at most.

    Now, I saw some improvement in chapter 8. You had various esteemed writers post in this thread (one of which has helped me in the past through their harsh way of reviewing) and their comments really didn't set in until this chapter. I see a bit of improvement with characters and description, but the parts that interrupted the main story with Jimmy and whoever (I'm not saying who it is, but I have a clue) could have used much more description to open them up.

    So far, bringing Jimmy in may help, because you have a good trainer to interact with the sorry mess of characters you have in here so far. Hopefully he brings some brains with him.

    As of chapter 8...uh...I guess 4 out of 10. The current standing. Might go up in the future, hopefully.

    ...

    ...

    That was the longest review I have ever written. o_0
    I must thank you for giving me the review, as it will really help when re-writing those chapters with the help from MananphyMan!

    I must say I saw a vast improvement within Chapter 8 myself, and hopefully Chapter 9 will also show the improvement within the story for the characters, description and so on.

    Thank You again for the review, as your words will be thoroughly thought over as to how I can implement change in the current chapters.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

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    Default Chapter 8 review

    Hey harryheart! I see you have a new chapter up, and you didn't tell me about it?! AND I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!! LOL, I'm just kidding! No harm meant, at least you finally opened up a new chapter, which I have now read, and will now review.

    WOAH, cliffhanger ending! That was really good to the stop at the end of the story like that, it makes me wonder who called out to Jimmy, hmmm. But anyway, like Manaphyman said in most of his post on this chapter, you have DEFINETLY improved your writing, descrition, and plot of the story a lot, I mean, JIMMY?! I didn't expect anyone like him to be there, that really shocked me! There were a lot of spelling mistakes there though, so I'll help you correct those mistakes in later posts. But overall, it was a VERY good chapter, on eof the best in my opinion. I'd give this chapter a 8/10, keep up the good work harryheart, and you too Manaphyman, it's good to see my two friends helping each other out.
    Eevee >>> Your fav pokemon

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    Default Max's Hoenn Journey Chapter 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Me_Love_Eevee! View Post
    Hey harryheart! I see you have a new chapter up, and you didn't tell me about it?! AND I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!! LOL, I'm just kidding! No harm meant, at least you finally opened up a new chapter, which I have now read, and will now review.

    WOAH, cliffhanger ending! That was really good to the stop at the end of the story like that, it makes me wonder who called out to Jimmy, hmmm. But anyway, like Manaphyman said in most of his post on this chapter, you have DEFINETLY improved your writing, descrition, and plot of the story a lot, I mean, JIMMY?! I didn't expect anyone like him to be there, that really shocked me! There were a lot of spelling mistakes there though, so I'll help you correct those mistakes in later posts. But overall, it was a VERY good chapter, on eof the best in my opinion. I'd give this chapter a 8/10, keep up the good work harryheart, and you too Manaphyman, it's good to see my two friends helping each other out.
    The Cliffhanger was very useful for the jump start into Chapter 9, and when the forums finally alows me to post any part of the Chapter you wil be able to find out!

    Got it up now! Sorry about that, and I've now ammened the chapter apart from one sentence which doesn't detact from the Chapter!

    Here it is, unfortunately 2 days late!

    Chapter 9: Typhlosion, Typhlosion, Typhlosion! I love that Pokémon!

    *****

    “Huh…Jimmy who is this guy?” Max questioned, completely forgetting about the decorated box in his trembling hands, which knew themselves what was concealed inside. He gazed at the new guy’s wild spiked hair that stayed solid and strong even in the gentle wind that fluttered his clothes. Max wondered whether it was a normal feature for the boy, or just bed hair from the morning.

    “It’s M…” Jimmy started to say, but was rudely interrupted.

    “Now let’s not spoil the surprise Jimmy! Where would the fun be?” he chuckled, causing the two silver chains dangling on the right hand side of his black jeans to jangle a small melodic tune. “All will be revealed when it is needed to be known my M brother!”

    “Who do you think you are?” Max shouted, inadvertently placing the present from his sister inside a zipped pocket to his Pokémon fleece, “Besides being an arrogant and pompous buffoon!” Max blurted out, with the immediate thought of regret knowing fair well that the Mysterious teenager now had a motive for crossing the river.

    “Hah! Is that the best you can do?” He replied.

    Roxanne had almost had enough of this infantile bickering, “Alright! Stop this bickering at once!” cried Roxanne, “Max, the remark was definitely not needed for the exact reason of making this…whatever you would call it get further out of hand!” She now turned her focus over to the new teenager, who seemed to be fidgeting with his navy blue belt. “Your attitude needs to be changed this instant! It may be all fun and games for you, but for us…it is seriously annoying,” Roxanne said while calming herself down with a slight sigh, “Now, could it be at all possible to start from the beginning again?”

    “Certainly Roxanne,” mentioned the teenager who was now wading through the slow rushing water to reach his new friends.

    Reaching the other side he wandered up to Max and stared blankly into his face, “I’m sorry for calling you a pompous buffoon, it was unnecessary.” Max apologetically said, realizing that in situations like these; he needs to think before acting.

    “That’s okay, I shouldn’t have acted all child like…Friends?”

    “Friends!” They clenched each other’s hands in a tight grip as if still fighting out a war but with simpler means. “Now we’ve got that out of the way, want a battle?”

    “Would I!” the red haired teenager replied with his energetic spark revived back into his voice. “The rules will be a Double battle, if that’s okay with you Max?”

    “That’s absolutely fine, I can try and work on my skills and improve on my abilities and techniques in a Double battle!”

    Roxanne had to interrupt the deranged Max once again, as she knew that he would push his Pokémon to the utter limit, “Max, don’t you think you should let your Pokémon rest for a little bit?” Roxanne quickly intervened, “They’ve just had a long and tiresome battle, and rest would do them some good.”

    “Yeah, think about the battle they’ve just had with my Typhlosion and Beedrill, which would’ve taken a lot out of them!” Jimmy pointed out.

    “They’ll be fine. Trust me, I’m their trainer and I should know!” His voice trailing off and leaving a feeling of guilt in his vigorous personality, as he realised that Roxanne and Jimmy were correct in their judgements. Charmander and Budew shouldn’t have to be put through another tiresome match which could leave them needing attention from a Nurse Joy.

    Max scratched the top of his head as if he was trying to pluck an excuse out of a hat full of ideas, “Actually...umm, my friends are correct, my Pokémon need a rest and I can’t force them into something that could end up seriously injuring them.”

    “Oh...I understand. You don’t want to injure them...or your ego!” A wild smirk proudly sprouted onto the cocky teenagers face feeling the need to fold his arms as if to rejoice in a quiet victory.

    “WHAT!” the anger blossoming back into full grown outburst from the seed still planted in Max’s brain, “I can’t let my Pokémon become badly wounded, you may be able to but most human people can’t!”

    “Are you saying I don’t care about my Pokémon? I love them to bits and I would do anything for them, but battling is what they are good at, and that’s what they’ll do!”

    Max couldn’t bear to watch himself get intimidated any longer. He knew that there was only one answer to the proposing problem, “Roxanne...I can’t battle him right now, but you can,” his face scrunched in anger as he looked into the scarlet clear eyes of the boy, “And I know you’ll win!”

    Roxanne sighed as she realised that Max would work himself up over the simple argument, so she agreed to challenge the teenager to his rules. “So, are you ready?” The reply she received was a simple shrug, as her opponent grasped two PokeBalls from the chains dangling that were hanging from the right pocket of his damp black jeans.

    “Shieldon and Jumpluff, I know you can win it!” He bellowed as he swung his bare arm forward to release the Pokémon inside. In front of him appeared the cotton bud Pokémon floating only slightly above the ground while her companion Shieldon blended into the scenery due to his dusty coloured body that had shield plates dotted around on it.

    “My two are Onix and Sudowoodo!” First emerged the Rock Snake Pokémon that immediately frightened the young Shieldon as it began to dig a small hole to hide within before Onix had a chance to attack, whereas Sudowoodo lazily outstretched its tree like branches and gave the berries at the end of its extended arms a quiet shake. “We’ll make the first move together! Now let’s get this battle started.”

    “Shieldon use Dig to get under ground while Jumpluff you use Poisonpowder,” within a flash Shieldon was nowhere to be seen with only a pile of dirt left in its wake, so all the focus shifted to the vibrating Jumpluff who was producing a violet, magical powder which sparkled in the afternoon light that was shining upon it.

    “Onix counterattack the Poisonpowder with a Screech and try and separate the powder to make a path for you to attack and Sudowoodo you Mimic Shieldon’s attack!”

    Onix drew its head backwards as the sound waves began to blast its way towards the powder, struggling even to stop it spreading toward him and his partner.

    Just as Sudowoodo’s tree like antenna began to glow with an awestruck light that allowed it to copy Shieldon’s last move, a net grouped around Jumpluff and himself, tugging them up to a mystifying Raticate balloon where two shady character’s stood cackling away as if it was a normal thing to do. Their outfits were a deep black with an outstanding Red R written on both of their tops.

    “Do you remember us?” The blonde woman asked feeling the need to cackle some more prior to speaking to her partner, “Butch are you all set to go?”

    “You got my name right again, I feel so proud,” The green haired man at the back of the balloon ecstatically said, weeping a little before realising all eyes were centred on him, “Oh, yeah. Begin!” He said swiftly returning to his usual self.

    “Righty ho Butch! Prepare for Trouble!”
    “And Make It double!”
    “Now here’s our mission so you’d better listen!” They shouted together.
    “To infect the world with devastation!”
    “To blight all people in every nation!”
    “To denounce the goodness of truth and love!”
    “To extend our wrath to the stars above!”
    “Cassidy.”
    “And Butch of course.”
    “We’re Team Rocket circling Earth all day and night!”
    “Surrender to us now or you will surely loose the fight!”

    Butch was now standing next to Cassidy with a PokeBall tightly clenched in his rose coloured fist. He uncurled his arm, prepping himself for an easy battle, “Mightyena out you come,” with a burst of light; a Pokémon resembling a dog emerged, looking very sinister. It was about one metre in height with his underbelly being a lighter shade of grey than its back. He had his fore legs perched on the rim of the balloon scouring at Max and his companions while growling menacingly to establish itself.

    “I’ve never seen them use that Pokémon before,” Jimmy quietly spoke feeling intimidated by Mightyena, and making sure that his Pokémon were safely secured away from the crooks.

    Cassidy had moved to the back of the basket where she was tugging and attempting to move a sleeping Pokémon, “Raticate get up here now and assist Mightyena,” she shouted into its ears at the same time as pushing the large brown rat with colossus white teeth to the front of the green basket.

    After a little bit of tedious work, she was now standing next to Butch with Raticate in her arms, "Both of you use your Hyper Beam, directly on all for of them; we'll see how they like to blast off!" In the mouths of the two Pokemon formed a giant Orange Ball that grew in size the longer it was there until they were ready to be launched. Containing an awesome amount of power they were converted into endless beams that hit the floor in the middle of the group. The power was too strong to resist sending them all flying into opposite directions. Max and Roxanne were lifted off towards Petalburg City being caught in a stream of wind that took them further away from their friends. Max seemed hypnotized by the ground as it became more and more visible through the thick forest of trees. The panic started rising in Max’s body because the dusty terrain below started to enlarge as they began their decent. This wasn’t the only thing that worried him, as he saw the trees acting as Cricket bats ready to send him further away from Roxanne. Within a few seconds of this he came crashing down against the floor causing a dust cloud to rise around him. The sandy colour was all he remembered before everything went black.

    *****

    “Cugh cugh cugh,” Max spluttered wiping the sweaty dust from his face while his eyes tried to focus on the surroundings around him. He realised that his glasses had been cracked in the fall which meant the lenses were no longer able to work correctly; the only other option was to wear the backup contact lenses which were in his yellow backpack, which had conveniently fallen off as he plummeted to the ground.

    “Max! Are you okay?” The faint familiar voice being heard in his delicate ears as he began to attempt to sit up, “Here, let me help you,” Roxanne said. After a little struggle he was finally sat up but with a pounding headache interfering even more with his struggle to focus on everything around him.

    He once again wiped more dust from his body, “Roxanne, I need my backpack. Can you see it at all?”

    “I’m afraid not...I take it you’re looking for your spare contact lenses?”

    “Yeah, my glasses got damaged in the explosion and now I’m finding it hard to focus...so would you be able to help me up?” The whimpering tone that could be subtly heard becoming so ever more aware in his hoarse voice.

    “Sure!” Her hands reached out and grabbed his arms, allowing him all the support he needed to make the final approach to standing straight up. With one mighty push he was able to stand through the help of Roxanne as he swayed a little bit from the dizziness that overwhelmed him.

    “My headache’s getting worse,” he moaned as best he could with the continuing problem of a gruff throat, “Do you happen to have your handbag with you? If so do you still have the aspirin?”

    “Lucky enough for you my handbag stayed on me like a Kid to a Parent,” the humour enlightening the solemn mood that was lingering over both people. Roxanne took a hold of the bottle of aspirin handing it promptly over to Max, making sure he consumed the right amount.

    “Roxanne, do you have Sudowoodo and Onix with you?” Max asked trying to phase the awkward topics out of the conversation.

    “Onix! Luckily yes, I recalled him just before the attacks hit. But as far as I know Sudowoodo and Jumpluff are still in the hands of Team Rocket.”

    *****

    “Jimmy, wake up mate! Can you hear me?” Jimmy’s friend asked kneeling over his body trying vigorously to arouse him. Deciding that Jimmy was a no hope area right now he clambered to his feet marching over to Butch and Cassidy who lay tangled in the Raticate Balloon that had popped on landing.

    “Now you see why you are so much trouble and should have left things to me!” He blatantly said while ripping the net that caged his beloved Jumpluff, “And I don’t remember the part about stealing my Pokémon in our agreement?”

    “We’re sorry,” the young lass quickly responded being sure to tread delicately around such matters while the teenager hugged the cotton Pokémon and put it back into its ball for a rest, “We only intended on capturing the Gym Leaders Pokémon!”

    “Well think yourselves lucky that it wasn’t Typhlosion as he would have struggled with all his might, and that would have been ugly for you two, very ugly! And remember I love that Pokémon, he is my pride and joy and I can’t see any of them hurt...So, where do we stand on...” Before there was a chance to finish that statement Jimmy began to groan, coughing loudly as he rolled onto his back.

    “Mar cugh cugh cugh Mark! Where are you?” Jimmy wearily said trying to go one more step into sitting up.

    “I’m right here mate...Just relax. Everything is going to be okay.”

    “What about Team Rocket? Do they still have Jumpluff?”

    “Team Rocket have been taken care of. Now hold still while we prop you up. We’ve got to make sure you didn’t break anything in the fall.”

    “Hey! Why don’t we get that sort of attention?” Cassidy rudely commented while still trying to detach herself from the ropes of the hot air balloon.

    “You two shut up! It was your arrogance and stupid scheme that got us into this mess, so you will wait your turn.”
    “I didn’t say anything,” Butch quickly added.

    “Mark. We have to get Sudowoodo back to Roxanne before Team Rocket do find a way to escape and take off with him.”

    “Don’t worry...Everything is going to be okay now.”

    *****

    “Roxanne, can you see it yet?” Max endlessly asked whilst walking slowly along the path and making sure he didn’t crash into anything.

    Roxanne was on her hands and knees scouring through bushes and looking high into the tree tops for Max’s yellow bag, “I’m afraid not, it doesn’t seem...Wait! There it is!” She scuttled over to a fork bend where one path branched off to Petalburg City and the other to a small town off the outskirts of the city. She reached into a gaping hole at the centre of the bend, pulling out Max’s backpack, “I have it Max! I have it!” Quickly riffling through the contents she successfully found the contact lenses ushering Max over immediately.

    “Thank you for finding it...Nearly got them in...There we go. I can see again!” He seized his bag instantly, not wasting time as he knew they had to find Roxanne’s Pokémon, “Now we’ve got that sorted we can search for Sudowoodo.”

    “Thank you Max, you are a real help, and talking of such things, I may know something that could be of help to us. Just after the explosion I can remember Team Rocket being propelled away with Jimmy and his ‘friend’ which means, if we can find them, then Sudowoodo won’t be far!”

    “That is useful. The only problem now is trying to find them before Team Rocket gets away with both Pokémon!”

    *****

    “Mark I mean it!” Jimmy’s outrage becoming less controllable and more violent by the minute, “If we don’t take Sudowoodo now then we could be the ones being shipped to the headquarters of Team Rocket!”

    “And why would they do that?” Mark replied, “All I’m doing is making sure that they haven’t badly injured themselves...And don’t tell me they’re used to it as I know that, but I can’t just leave without being absolutely sure that they’ll be fine.”

    “Alright, just hurry up then.” Both teenagers seemed overly adamant about what they should do, causing some stir between them.

    “There, done...Now we can go,” Mark hesitantly said as he began packing everything away and helping the Rock Tree Pokémon out of the net, “Hold still Sudowoodo...I’m just making sure you’re okay...Hold Still!”

    “Don’t shout at it, he’s most likely scared and traumatized from the experience,” Jimmy mentioned helping Mark to his feet, expecting a harsh reaction to come from the young hearty boy.

    “I do know that...Sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted like that,” his voice luckily calming down with his mood, “I just feel agitated about the explosion caused by those worthless wreaks over there.”

    “Aren’t we all,” Jimmy promptly replied while re-attaching his bag belt onto his vibrant yellow shorts, “I think it’s time we left those two to their misery and went to find Roxanne!”

    “Agreed!”

    *****

    Both Max and Roxanne were puzzled about their predicament, realising they needed to decide which way Team Rocket went in the blast in order to save Sudowoodo, “I think they were sent that way,” Max said pointing down the path to Petalburg City.

    “Well...I thought they were sent to the small town down this path,” Roxanne meekly said, “What if we both go down the path we think, that way it evens up our chances of finding Sudowoodo?”

    “Don’t worry about that! There’s no need...Here he comes now,” the joyous tone in Max’s voice lighting up the dull mood yet again. Roxanne’s eyes started to fill with tears as she saw her beloved Pokémon running toward her for an embrace, letting them trickle down her scorched cheeks in pride.

    “You’re back Sudowoodo...You’re back,” their embrace lasted for what seemed like an eternity as they held each other close to themselves, not daring to let go in fear of being separated.

    ‘Sudo, Sudowoodo!” His tearful voice wailed as he rested his hard head on her shoulder.

    Roxanne looked down the path which Sudowoodo had come from, and saw Jimmy and Mark rushing towards them at top speed, safe from Team Rocket.

    “Thanks you two for rescuing my Sudowoodo, I am really grateful for what you’ve done,” Roxanne said while her voice trembled from the happiness that now overwhelmed her.

    “That’s our pleasure,” Mark reassuringly answered as he tweaked his hair with a little more gel while brandishing a faint proud smile.

    “Well...I suppose this is our goodbyes then?” Max said scratching the top of his head for a second time that day, “But just before we head our separate ways, what’s your name?”

    “Ahh, I believe it’s been concealed for long enough, my names Mark, so that’s why I called you my M brother.” They both burst out into hysterical laughing that only they understood the meaning for, while Jimmy and Roxanne took the opportunity to politely say their goodbyes before any fighting between the new rivals broke out.

    Max turned his attention to the path that would lead him to his first Gym Battle as he gazed upon the towering buildings, barely noticeable on the horizon, anticipating an unspeakably grand battle between Father and Son!
    Last edited by harryheart; 15th January 2009 at 10:26 AM.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  22. #197
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    Wow...
    An awesome chapter. Great spellings and grammars. However, I spotted a sentence that doesn't sound...well...right.

    “Now you see why you are so much trouble and should have left things to me!” He blatantly said while ripping the net that caged his beloved Jumpluff, “And I don’t remember the part about stealing my Pokémon in our agreement?”
    Maybe it could be "He said blatantly" or something.

    Hmm...I don't have much else to say, since this chapter looks pretty good to me. And Mark is on Team Rocket's side? Ohh, I wonder what his roll in the fic is

    Surfing through the waves, diving deep into the sea,
    playing along the beach, having fun all day long.

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sweet_piplup123 View Post
    Wow...
    An awesome chapter. Great spellings and grammars. However, I spotted a sentence that doesn't sound...well...right.


    Maybe it could be "He said blatantly" or something.

    Hmm...I don't have much else to say, since this chapter looks pretty good to me. And Mark is on Team Rocket's side? Ohh, I wonder what his roll in the fic is
    Thank You for the quick review! I'm really glad that Chapter 9 proved a hit already, and Mark's role has only be touched on the outside! This Chapter has also started to reveal lots of other slight characteristics about people that will again group together for the main plot of the novel.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  24. #199
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    Great chapter, as ever.

    Keep up the good work, and i've subscribed to the thread now, so i'll get the updates automatically.

    I can't wait to see what else happens with Mark, he seems like an interesting character.

    10/10
    Last edited by Blue Snover; 15th January 2009 at 1:51 PM.




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  25. #200

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    Man, harry! You ARE improving! That was pretty darn good
    I never could have guessed Butch and Cassidy would appear :P
    My guess about the cliffhanger was Marina for some reason :P, but Mark is just fine, he'd definitely work as a reccuring rival.
    All in all, I give it a 8.5/10

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