Hey! I figured I'd drop in for another review. Because I haven't had the time to follow your story closely, I'll focus in technical writing techniques instead of things such as 'plot' or 'canon'. Hopefully it'll help you out in the long run.
I'm just going to choose random sentences to comment on, but what counts for them counts for quite a few other sentences in your chapter. As far as I've seen your story-telling has improved, but the quality if the writing could still use some work.
There's no need for ellipsis here. You could easily have the 'huh' as a separate sentence entirely.“Huh? Jimmy, who is this guy?” Max questioned, completely forgetting about the decorated box in his trembling hands, which knew themselves what was concealed inside.
There should be a comma after 'Jimmy' because it's a case of direct address. I'm sure I've explained this before, but I'll just go over it again. When you're directly addressing a specific person, you get a comma. In this case it's Jimmy. For instance, it'd be:
"Hey, Amy!" or "Jim, how are you?"
The sentence I underlined isn't quite clear to me. What exactly are you trying to say here, because to me it doesn't make sense. 'Which knew themselves'? What? Since this is the first paragraph of the chapter it's inexcusable that there's such a sentence. You or your beta should have caught this.
It should be 'wildly', because it's referring to the 'spiked'. If you wanted it to be both wild and spiked, then there should be a comma.He gazed at the new guy’s wildly spiked hair that stayed solid and strong even in the gentle wind that fluttered his clothes.
There's two cases of direct address here - 'Jimmy' and 'my M brother' - and whenever there's a pause, there should be a comma. Like with 'now'.“Now, let’s not spoil the surprise, Jimmy! Where would the fun be?” He chuckled, causing the two silver chains dangling on the right hand side of his black jeans to jangle a short melodic tune. “All will be revealed when it is needed to be known, my M brother!”
You still have a bit of a problem writing speech, though. Chuckling isn't a speech verb. You can chuckle while speaking, you can chuckle before or after it, but you don't chuckle a sentence. Much like you can't smile a sentence, or laugh one. Some people may think differently about this, but I would stick to using speech verb. Otherwise you might get confused.
I would say 'short' instead of 'small', as 'small' usually refers to size, not length.
The saying is 'full well', not 'fair well'. Also, if you're going to capitalize 'mysterious', then capitalize his entire name. He's being referred to as 'the mysterious teenager', so if you must have capitals then use them for all the words in his name.Max blurted out, followed by the immediate thought of regret, knowing full well that The Mysterious Teenager now had a motive for crossing the river.
Now, 'replied' is most definitely a speech verb, so you get a lower-cased word following the sentence.“Hah! Is that the best you can do?” he replied.
I think this entire sentence is a bit of a mess. It sounds awkward, even after I changed some things around. Perhaps re-write it so it's not quite as confusing and awkward?Roxanne had
almosthad enough of the infantile bickering, “Alright! Stop this bickering at once!” she cried, “Max, that remark was definitely not needed, for the exact reason that you would cause this…whatever you would call it get further out of hand!”
No need for the almost there, as she's immediately afterwards saying something - which thus shows she's had enough, not 'almost' had enough.
Use 'she' instead of Roxanne. You'd already shown us who you're referring to, so using her name again just seems excessive and repetitive. 'She' will do.
Last example of direct address I'm going to give you, as pointing out every single one isn't really necessary. Finding them yourself will be good practice.“Certainly, Roxanne,” mentioned the teenager who was now wading through the slow rushing water to reach his new friends.
While I said I wouldn't comment on anything except for technical writing parts, I do find it strange that someone who'd been yelling insults - and who had been suffering insults from someone else as well - would suddenly consider them his friends?
So, who is saying what here? Is Max saying he's sorry, or is the mysterious kid saying so? If Max is saying it, then it needs a comma, since 'said' is a speech verb - you should probably use 'said apologetically' instead, which goes for a lot of your writing - and if he's not saying it, then 'Max said' should be a new paragraph and linked to what he is saying.Reaching the other side he wandered up to Max and stared blankly into his face, “I’m sorry for calling you a pompous buffoon, it was unnecessary.” Max apologetically said, realizing that in situations like these; he needs to think before acting.
“That’s okay, I shouldn’t have acted all child like…Friends?”
That's all I have time for right now. So, let me remind you of what we've gone through.
Direct address requires a comma. When you're directly addressing an individual, you put a comma before their name/what you're addressing them with. For instance:
"How are you, Elli?" or "Hey, Mum!"
Speech is written like this:
"Hey," the girl said.
Said is a speech verb. The girl is saying 'hey'. Thus the two are directly related and the sentence after 'hey' is lower-cased and it gets a comma.
"Hey!" John yelled.
This one is related to the first one, but because of the exclamation point and the name - which is always capitalized - the structure changes a bit. Instead there is no comma, but an exclamation point, and the name is capitalized.
"Hey." The girl waved.
The girl here is saying something and then waving. She is not 'waving the sentence', as that's impossible. Thus these are separate sentence and the spoken one gets a period/full-stop while the sentence after it is capitalized.
Whenever there's a pause, you put a comma. If the subject isn't continued on, then a period/full-stop might suffice.
All in all, I haven't spied too much improvement yet. You really need a beta, because there are too many awkward sentences and obvious mistakes that should have been pointed out and edited. Same goes for the things I've pointed out. They should have been mentioned.
So I think it'd be best if you find yourself a beta to help you out with these, as I can see they're troubling you.
Good luck and let me know if you have any questions. ^^