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Thread: Max's Hoenn Journey

  1. #201
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    Hey! I figured I'd drop in for another review. Because I haven't had the time to follow your story closely, I'll focus in technical writing techniques instead of things such as 'plot' or 'canon'. Hopefully it'll help you out in the long run.

    I'm just going to choose random sentences to comment on, but what counts for them counts for quite a few other sentences in your chapter. As far as I've seen your story-telling has improved, but the quality if the writing could still use some work.

    -

    Huh? Jimmy, who is this guy?” Max questioned, completely forgetting about the decorated box in his trembling hands, which knew themselves what was concealed inside.
    There's no need for ellipsis here. You could easily have the 'huh' as a separate sentence entirely.

    There should be a comma after 'Jimmy' because it's a case of direct address. I'm sure I've explained this before, but I'll just go over it again. When you're directly addressing a specific person, you get a comma. In this case it's Jimmy. For instance, it'd be:

    "Hey, Amy!" or "Jim, how are you?"

    The sentence I underlined isn't quite clear to me. What exactly are you trying to say here, because to me it doesn't make sense. 'Which knew themselves'? What? Since this is the first paragraph of the chapter it's inexcusable that there's such a sentence. You or your beta should have caught this.

    He gazed at the new guy’s wildly spiked hair that stayed solid and strong even in the gentle wind that fluttered his clothes.
    It should be 'wildly', because it's referring to the 'spiked'. If you wanted it to be both wild and spiked, then there should be a comma.

    “Now, let’s not spoil the surprise, Jimmy! Where would the fun be?” He chuckled, causing the two silver chains dangling on the right hand side of his black jeans to jangle a short melodic tune. “All will be revealed when it is needed to be known, my M brother!”
    There's two cases of direct address here - 'Jimmy' and 'my M brother' - and whenever there's a pause, there should be a comma. Like with 'now'.

    You still have a bit of a problem writing speech, though. Chuckling isn't a speech verb. You can chuckle while speaking, you can chuckle before or after it, but you don't chuckle a sentence. Much like you can't smile a sentence, or laugh one. Some people may think differently about this, but I would stick to using speech verb. Otherwise you might get confused.

    I would say 'short' instead of 'small', as 'small' usually refers to size, not length.

    Max blurted out, followed by the immediate thought of regret, knowing full well that The Mysterious Teenager now had a motive for crossing the river.
    The saying is 'full well', not 'fair well'. Also, if you're going to capitalize 'mysterious', then capitalize his entire name. He's being referred to as 'the mysterious teenager', so if you must have capitals then use them for all the words in his name.

    “Hah! Is that the best you can do?” he replied.
    Now, 'replied' is most definitely a speech verb, so you get a lower-cased word following the sentence.

    Roxanne had almost had enough of the infantile bickering, “Alright! Stop this bickering at once!” she cried, “Max, that remark was definitely not needed, for the exact reason that you would cause this…whatever you would call it get further out of hand!”
    I think this entire sentence is a bit of a mess. It sounds awkward, even after I changed some things around. Perhaps re-write it so it's not quite as confusing and awkward?

    No need for the almost there, as she's immediately afterwards saying something - which thus shows she's had enough, not 'almost' had enough.

    Use 'she' instead of Roxanne. You'd already shown us who you're referring to, so using her name again just seems excessive and repetitive. 'She' will do.

    “Certainly, Roxanne,” mentioned the teenager who was now wading through the slow rushing water to reach his new friends.
    Last example of direct address I'm going to give you, as pointing out every single one isn't really necessary. Finding them yourself will be good practice.

    While I said I wouldn't comment on anything except for technical writing parts, I do find it strange that someone who'd been yelling insults - and who had been suffering insults from someone else as well - would suddenly consider them his friends?

    Reaching the other side he wandered up to Max and stared blankly into his face, “I’m sorry for calling you a pompous buffoon, it was unnecessary.” Max apologetically said, realizing that in situations like these; he needs to think before acting.

    “That’s okay, I shouldn’t have acted all child like…Friends?”
    So, who is saying what here? Is Max saying he's sorry, or is the mysterious kid saying so? If Max is saying it, then it needs a comma, since 'said' is a speech verb - you should probably use 'said apologetically' instead, which goes for a lot of your writing - and if he's not saying it, then 'Max said' should be a new paragraph and linked to what he is saying.

    -

    That's all I have time for right now. So, let me remind you of what we've gone through.

    Direct address requires a comma. When you're directly addressing an individual, you put a comma before their name/what you're addressing them with. For instance:

    "How are you, Elli?" or "Hey, Mum!"

    Speech is written like this:

    "Hey," the girl said.

    Said is a speech verb. The girl is saying 'hey'. Thus the two are directly related and the sentence after 'hey' is lower-cased and it gets a comma.

    "Hey!" John yelled.

    This one is related to the first one, but because of the exclamation point and the name - which is always capitalized - the structure changes a bit. Instead there is no comma, but an exclamation point, and the name is capitalized.

    "Hey." The girl waved.

    The girl here is saying something and then waving. She is not 'waving the sentence', as that's impossible. Thus these are separate sentence and the spoken one gets a period/full-stop while the sentence after it is capitalized.

    Commas.

    Whenever there's a pause, you put a comma. If the subject isn't continued on, then a period/full-stop might suffice.

    -

    All in all, I haven't spied too much improvement yet. You really need a beta, because there are too many awkward sentences and obvious mistakes that should have been pointed out and edited. Same goes for the things I've pointed out. They should have been mentioned.

    So I think it'd be best if you find yourself a beta to help you out with these, as I can see they're troubling you.

    Good luck and let me know if you have any questions. ^^

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  2. #202
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Snover View Post
    Great chapter, as ever.

    Keep up the good work, and i've subscribed to the thread now, so i'll get the updates automatically.

    I can't wait to see what else happens with Mark, he seems like an interesting character.

    10/10
    Mark is a tough character to write, as his plot is rather strange to begin with, but lets hope it begins to fall into place within his next few appearances.

    Quote Originally Posted by zen_master_dude View Post
    Man, harry! You ARE improving! That was pretty darn good
    I never could have guessed Butch and Cassidy would appear :P
    My guess about the cliffhanger was Marina for some reason :P, but Mark is just fine, he'd definitely work as a reccuring rival.
    All in all, I give it a 8.5/10
    Cassidy and Butch are rather like Jessie and James. Apart from I'm going to try and make them more threatening and not appearing all the time, because that would change a mighty number of chapters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Silawen View Post
    All in all, I haven't spied too much improvement yet. You really need a beta, because there are too many awkward sentences and obvious mistakes that should have been pointed out and edited. Same goes for the things I've pointed out. They should have been mentioned.

    So I think it'd be best if you find yourself a beta to help you out with these, as I can see they're troubling you.

    Good luck and let me know if you have any questions. ^^
    Thank you for another review. It's very useful to have those points laid out in more detail, and once the 10th chapter is finished I will have time to edit all the 1st ten chapters!

    Also ManaphyMan is my beta, and a real help as this chapter he looked over so much to edit, as we both prefer him helping by pointing out mistakes rather than changing them completely himself.

    Thank You once again for the review.
    Last edited by harryheart; 15th January 2009 at 2:09 PM.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  3. #203
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    Also ManaphyMan is my beta, and a real help as this chapter he looked over so much to edit, as we both prefer him helping by pointing out mistakes rather than changing them completely himself.

    Thank You once again for the review.
    I'm assuming that's not all he does, though. I mean, just pointing out mistakes doesn't really help if the original writer doesn't know how to fix them.

    What I do is point out the errors, correct them, and then explain why I did so. To me that's the best way to help the person you beta for.

    What does he do? Because in just a couple of paragraphs I pointed out quite a few mistakes, some very general ones too, so I'm just curious whether that is just miscommunication on your part, or what exactly it is.

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  4. #204
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silawen View Post
    I'm assuming that's not all he does, though. I mean, just pointing out mistakes doesn't really help if the original writer doesn't know how to fix them.

    What I do is point out the errors, correct them, and then explain why I did so. To me that's the best way to help the person you beta for.

    What does he do? Because in just a couple of paragraphs I pointed out quite a few mistakes, some very general ones too, so I'm just curious whether that is just miscommunication on your part, or what exactly it is.
    Silawen Answered in a Visitor Message!


    Here are 3 more Chapter titles for you to review if you wish as well!

    Chapter 11: More Force behind the Punch

    Chapter 12: Once More Round the Bend

    Chapter 13: Time to Fly!

    After Chapter 10 is released then I will be editing the last 10 chapters, before posting Chapter 11. So if you have anything you want me to improve on or change slightly then in your reviews about Chapter 9 or 10 add them in and I will try to sort them out.
    Last edited by harryheart; 15th January 2009 at 6:01 PM.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  5. #205
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    Great Chapter! Cool, I liked it. I can't wait for more! I like how you made Jimmy's brother Mark! Wow, Max has a wide assortment of pokemon!

    Ruby: LeafGreen (Nuzlocke):
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    Wii FC: 8945-6722-1722-6586 | Nintendo Network ID: Master_Zach
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  6. #206
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    Quote Originally Posted by Torpoleon View Post
    Great Chapter! Cool, I liked it. I can't wait for more! I like how you made Jimmy's brother Mark! Wow, Max has a wide assortment of pokemon!
    Thank you for reviewing my Chapter, but Jimmy and MArk aren't brothers. I obviously didn't make it clear. Mark was taking the mick out of Max.

    Thank You again and I hope Chapter 10 will be more clear on that front.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  7. #207

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    Chapter 11: More Force behind the Punch

    Now this I like. I can't really explain why, i just like it. I think if Max loses to Norman in "The Right Way to Win" this is where he wins.
    9/10

    Chapter 12: Once More Round the Bend

    Too anime-ish. But otherwise OK.
    7/10

    Chapter 13: Time to Fly!

    As soon as I saw this, i thought of Winona. This is probably when they leave from _______ to ________
    7.5/10

  8. #208
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    Quote Originally Posted by zen_master_dude View Post
    Chapter 11: More Force behind the Punch

    Now this I like. I can't really explain why, i just like it. I think if Max loses to Norman in "The Right Way to Win" this is where he wins.
    9/10

    Chapter 12: Once More Round the Bend

    Too anime-ish. But otherwise OK.
    7/10

    Chapter 13: Time to Fly!

    As soon as I saw this, i thought of Winona. This is probably when they leave from _______ to ________
    7.5/10
    Some intersting ideas! We'll have to wait and see whether they are correct or not, but thank you for reviewing them.

    I will probably release the others when Chapter 10 is released! If not then it will be with Chapter 11.

    Chapter 10 release date - 31st January
    Last edited by harryheart; 17th January 2009 at 5:07 PM.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  9. #209
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    As an anime watcher for years, I have to say that this is what the Pokemon Chronicles episodes would look like if they followed Max after the end of the BF season. Between Butch and Cassidy showing up a few times and the dialogue and battles, this looks too much like the anime for my taste. You need to get more original with the scenes and character's personalities.

    I saw a little bit of improvement in writing, so I say 5/10 for now.

  10. #210
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    Stupid forums.

    Just a pop in, this is a fanfiction thread not a rate my chapter titles thread.

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    I'm pretty busy right now so if you need to get hold of me PLEASE PM. I'll get the email notification a lot faster.

  11. #211
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    100/100

    That was agood chapter, I still can't seen to laugh at Max's and Marks' jokes, Although I'm still confuse, was Mark with Team Rocket.

    As for chapter 13, that title reminds me of this song I heard a few months ago, I hope its good.


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  12. #212
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    100/100

    That was agood chapter, I still can't seen to laugh at Max's and Marks' jokes, Although I'm still confuse, was Mark with Team Rocket.

    As for chapter 13, that title reminds me of this song I heard a few months ago, I hope its good.


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  13. #213
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    Quote Originally Posted by pokeking325 View Post
    100/100

    That was agood chapter, I still can't seen to laugh at Max's and Marks' jokes, Although I'm still confuse, was Mark with Team Rocket.

    As for chapter 13, that title reminds me of this song I heard a few months ago, I hope its good.
    Just to say Thank You for the review, sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. And yes Mark at the moment is with Team Rocket, what he's up to it something completely unknown, but it will all become clear.

    The jokes are a little feeble but I hope I do better on other aspects.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

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    Hey HH i was just wondering, erm, who's running the Rustboro Gym if Roxanne's traveling with Max? If you explained it in a chapter, I'm sorry if I missed it, but I was just wondering.

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    Quote Originally Posted by zen_master_dude View Post
    Hey HH i was just wondering, erm, who's running the Rustboro Gym if Roxanne's traveling with Max? If you explained it in a chapter, I'm sorry if I missed it, but I was just wondering.
    Don't worry it's a fari enough question, and all I can say is it will be revealed in due course, a little hint in Chapter 10 but that's all I'm going to say.

    And Chapter 10 may be delayed slightly by a few days because of the new project I'm starting which has taken most of this past week up for me, but after this upcoming Chapter things should return to normal.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  16. #216
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    Here is Chapter 10, sorry for the delay. Unforunately ManaphyMan is no longer able to Beta this fic so it will be a sad loss to my writing, but he has really helped a lot in the past few chapters

    Chapter 10: The Right Way to Win!

    The decoration was more magnificent than he remembered; as his focus was mainly on gazing upon the hand weight shaped Balance Badge projecting boldly from the front of his Dad’s Gym. It’s positioning was well thought of too, smack bang in the middle of the white spirally adornments that reached to the edge of the old wooden building that Max’s family had lived in since his Grandfathers day. Everything was perfectly in place.

    “We’re here...I can’t quite believe it!” Max hastily spoke, feeling the utter exasperation from just witnessing the outside of the gym as he realized the first badge would be placed in his palm in a matter of hours, “The past two weeks weren’t all for nothing, as at last I’m here to challenge my Dad.”

    “No journey is for nothing Max, cause without it you would have missed out on so much like the capture of Budew...and now you and your team can face their first official challenge, together,” Roxanne informatively suggested, “so you ready?”

    The young kid was raring to burst through the mahogany doors engraved with the most detailed carvings of his Dad’s favourite Pokémon using their signature moves. Without knowing it, Max was hopping on the spot from the amount of excitement that had built up inside him over the last few days. Roxanne could already tell what the words would be flying out of Max’s lips.

    “Am I! I’ve been waiting for this moment since I started travelling with my sister, even before then.”

    Everything was now in place. The time was right and the day couldn’t be any better, as the blossoming trees inspired Max to give an even greater effort than was mortally possible.

    He began his accent up the marbled stairs till he could touch the doors with his fingertips, feeling the cold essence of the wood run all the way into his spine. The nerves were building and causing him to become uneasy, but he knew he had to step through the thresh hold and relinquish himself from the burden of the challenge.

    The creaking hinges on the doors echoed throughout the building as Max pushed them open with great difficulty, but the welcoming sight made him forget about the struggle.

    “Dad!” the young lad spoke, already grasping the PokeBalls on his belt, “I’m ready for our match.” His smile broadening as he gazed into the love of his Father.

    “I’ve been waiting for you to arrive, ever since you walked out of Birch’s lab,” his Dad said with an eager smile lifting Max’s spirit, “All the challenges between then and now have been working up for this one moment, and I can tell you I’m ready. Are you?”

    The spotlight shifted, and was now centred upon Max who was scraping the back of his mind for a seemingly adult response. Was he prepared to face his Father?

    “Let’s get this battle on the road, and it’s a match I intend to win!” Max invitingly proposed, knowing that if he showed any sign of weakness his Dad could just push his way through till he crumbled in defeat.

    “If that’s what you want,” his Dad prudently responded, “It will be a 3 on 3 battle with only the challenger being allowed to make substitutions, our referee for today is none other than your mother, who has recently earned the qualification as an official Gym ref.”

    “Well, if you are both ready then I wouldn’t mind you taking your positions,” Caroline said, while standing on her designated podium on which she viewed the battles at hand.

    “Wow Mum, well don’t be bias for either of us!” he jokingly said, “Now, Dad. If you don’t mind I’d like to choose my Pokémon first.”

    He reached into a pocket in his red shorts, pulling out a purple topped PokeBall, with a star shaped pattern placed where the usual white circle was.

    “Delcatty, you’re up first,” he called, tossing the ball into the centre of the plain field, where, in a blistering shine of golden lights, appeared the friendly beige cat with an astonishing array of stars pouring out of the ball with it. Once they dispersed into the shadows, Delcatty was left, purring with its soft melodic voice.

    “Max, this is a Gym Battle, not a contest,” his father mentioned, “You don’t need to use seals.”

    “I know, I just thought it would be a spectacle for all to see.”

    “Well I hope you’re ready for this! Buneary, show them your power!”

    Out of Normans’ PokeBall appeared a lolloping brown rabbit with extendable ears, able to dish out severe blows that could leave opponents unable to continue fighting.

    “If both contenders are ready, begin!”

    “Delcatty quickly use Assist,” Max yelled as Delcatty’s ears became alerted, and its tail began to glow white. From out of its ears two vines leapt across the field, impounding Buneary and binding its small feet together.

    “Wow. That was Venusaur’s Vine Whip attack. We might as-well use it to inflict more damage, toss it into the air!” With one lunge of her head, Delcatty began to swing the vines in a circular motion, allowing the grip to become loose and send Buneary into a wooden wall.

    “Buneary, no,” the concerned Norman said, reaching for her PokeBall, “You were able to hold out...”

    Buneary couldn’t stand the strain of hearing his trainer worry; he knew he could have a reasonable chance against Delcatty if the right moves were used. Using the spring from his ears he flung himself into the air, performing an elegant roll to give him greater height.

    “Okay then, use your Dizzy Punch and strike Delcatty’s legs, it may give us a slight advantage.”

    The energetic Pokémon curled his ears in a scrunch, before they shone a majestic yellow. Leaping across the floor he suddenly outstretched them, slamming them into Delcatty’s front legs. The poor Cat Pokémon was forced into the air, vulnerable and unable to retaliate from the shock.

    “Now hit it with Jump Kick.”

    Buneary once again flung itself into the air, twisting so that its legs were going to make contact with Delcatty; unfortunately though Buneary’s aiming had been slightly altered with the spin and it narrowly missed impact with the underbelly of Delcatty causing it to crash into the roof of the building. He fell with mighty force against the Gym’s floor and was now unable to continue the battle.

    “Buneary is unable to battle, Delcatty is the winner,” called Caroline from the sidelines, “If you could choose your next Pokémon Norman.”

    “Okay Slakoth, you handle things.”

    A small lazy brown Pokémon appeared out of the ball, standing on its legs with his arms draping over the front of his body. Its movements seemed to indicate that it was hypnotized, as it swayed from side to side while standing in one position.

    “Let’s get our winning streak started with a Blizzard attack.”

    “Delcatty, counter it with yours.”

    The two Pokémon cocked their heads backwards as a spirally blue mist began to form in both their mouths, with little sparkling particles of ice also being produced. With quick reactions they bestowed their attacks upon each other, with the Blizzards colliding in mid air. With equally balanced power from both teams it looked as if neither were going to give in, until Delcatty began to slide backwards along the floor, beginning to lose her power in the attack. Within seconds she was overthrown and hit directly with the chilling attack, freezing her legs to the ground, making her a vulnerable sitting duck.

    “Slakoth, finish it with Scratch.”

    The lazy Pokémon lunged toward Delcatty, scratching her face with his sharpened claws. Delcatty wasn’t able to withstand any more blows, subsequently fainting.

    “Delcatty is unable to battle, Slakoth is the winner,” Max’s mum abruptly said, glancing over at Roxanne who was sitting comfortable on a bench provided for spectators, she found it rather interesting to see a more detailed analysis of the way Max battled, especially within a Gym battle as she was going to be challenged next.

    “Charmander, you’re up!” The playful Fire type appeared in glorious light, hoping to perform to an exceptional standard and impress his trainer.

    “Use your Ember, and make sure you don’t miss,” Max called to the eager Charmander who was ready to win the important battle that would earn him more respect with Max. Producing an initial flame in its mouth, it released subsequent smaller embers that hurled themselves toward Slakoth.

    “Counter it,” Norman calmly suggested, not letting any nerves reach his brain and send him off course.

    An illuminating red light began to glow around the brown patched Pokémon, encasing inside what seemed to be some sort of magic bubble. The Ember struck the outer hull of the light, being instantaneously reflected back towards Charmander, who was now fully taken aback by the sudden course of action. Max had never witnessed a Slakoth use Counter before, nor in any Gym matches that he use to watch when he lived at home, this was uncharted territory and he didn’t know how to respond.

    “Uh...Charmander...uh...DODGE IT!”

    Max’s command came a little too late and the Pokémon was struck with its own powerful attack that still inflicted a lot of pain although it was a same type move. Charmander collapsed on the floor, feeling the burning sensation travelling energetically up his arm, causing him to shiver although he was overwhelmed with heat. The burns on his shoulder felt like they were punching a hole inside of him, trying to allow the pain to reach him inside, but he couldn’t let his friend down, he had to continue. He wrestled himself onto his feet, but portrayed the image of a beaten old man, that couldn’t continue walking, for some reason his back wouldn’t straighten out, all he could do was stand in one place and be struck with multiple attacks, this seemed like a hopeless journey.

    “Charmander, let’s go strong and hit him with a Screech, that way it would be hard for him to counter with a piercing noise in his ear.”

    “Don’t let them do that, strike out with Blizzard once more!”

    The frosty chill blew down the pitch, and caught Charmander in the centre, with nowhere to run. The burns began to feel even more uncomfortable as the cold icicles stung like a bees hive. He knew he couldn’t battle anymore and had to retire. The small Fire Type loosened his tense muscles, allowing him to feel free of a burden; the Blizzard entangled him within its frosty cloud lifting Charmander off his feet and allowing him to fall in grace before it was over.

    “Charmander is unable to battle, Slakoth is victorious again,” called Caroline who held a green flag in the air to symbolise Slakoth’s victory.

    “You’re last up Budew,” cried Max, who was now anxious at his ever nearing defeat; the thought of his few days training for this moment seemed lost now, worthless even, how could he have let the battle come to this? “I know you can do it Budew, from all the work you have shown to me and others, let’s show them what you can do!” He tossed the PokeBall forward with the small bud bursting out with glorious energy flowing through its inner roots, sparking a certain passion that had never been seen before in Budew, it was as if she had become ecstatic, happier, all over night. “Okay little buddy, hit Slakoth with Bullet Seed, that should give us the edge.”

    Cuddly as Budew seemed, she could pack a lot of power, and if it struck Slakoth it may give Max and his team a slight advantage, depending on Norman’s next choice. Budew sprung into the air, floating like a shimmering leaf in the autumn that couldn’t quite land safely on the ground, although this leaf came packed with the ability to send high speed seeds into its enemy, as a sort of defensive mechanism that most leaves lacked. It released these seeds in an endless stream, hopping with everything it had that it could knock Slakoth out and earn more love from her trainer, like Joshua use to when they were travelling through Sinnoh together, during difficult moments like the one presenting itself to her in the Gym Battle, or through times of relaxation. To her, bonding was necessary for growth!

    Slakoth was pummelled by the intensely strong attack unleashed against it, feeling the stinging pain strike up his chest as they scorned him. Norman needed to respond quickly, as Budew didn’t seem to be letting up any time soon, and Slakoth couldn’t withstand much more.

    “Slakoth, I’m going to have to ask you to brave the Bullet Seed I’m afraid and get up close,” Norman called over the whir emitting itself from the air that was being forced to move by a fast moving object.

    Slakoth slowly turned his head, constantly keeping it facing the floor to be on the safe side of the attack as much as he could otherwise it could be all over. He began to hunch himself over, before lazily relaxing to the floor and surprisingly zipping across it as if it was ice. It wasn’t long until he was right underneath Budew and ready to deliver a serious blow that would win them the match, although there was slight sympathy for his friend.

    “Finish it Slakoth with Scratch, and that’s another badge securely kept in our possession!”

    Within a split second Slakoth had slammed his claws into Budew, twisting it as it made contact causing the loving creature to be sent hurtling for the ground, giving an almighty wail before finally hitting the deck. Max ran to the side of his injured Pokémon, collecting her into his arms and stroking her coiled vines at the tip of her head, before returning inside a safe comfort zone, where no-one would be able to harm her anymore. He casually rose to the ground glaring at the ground beneath him, feeling total anger boiling up into a ball inside him, how could he lose to his Father of all people?

    “The Gym Leader Norman is the overrule winner, the challenger loses,” Max’s mum compassionately said, walking over to him and holding him in her arm, trying to comfort her growing baby, “You were great honey, a little bit more training and you could come back and beat your father, then we’ll see who is the better out of you two.”

    “Thanks Mum...but I think I might take a little break from training, and allow my Pokémon to relax before starting another training programme...maybe it will benefit all of us!”

    “Good idea son and then maybe you can realise why you lost.” His father was now lost for words, comforting people in a loss wasn’t always his forte. The only thing he could do was give advice, and then maybe Max would feel better about himself, transparent (though he was) to people’s counsel.

    “Thanks Dad, and be certain that I’ll be back...when we are ready together. First, could I use your telephone?”

    “Of course Max, it’s still yours,” his Mum replied, being slightly taken aback by the remark, her son was leaving the nest for good and now he classified the possessions as belonging to someone else. It was almost too much to accept. Her other child May had left home more than three years ago, and now it was Max’s turn, things were going to be much quieter from this moment on.

    Max headed in the direction of the kitchen, where the green phone was kept hanging on the pale wall, always slightly too high for Max to reach as a young child.

    “Darling, are you okay?” Norman asked, holding his wife close to his chest.

    “Yeah, but I guess it never really struck me that Max was finally leaving, for good. I suppose I secretly hoped that the journey would seem more tedious than a first glance, and he’d decide to stay with us...” her voice trailed off as the break of tears slowly rolled out of her eye; her cheek was trembling from the fear of losing Max for good.

    “Don’t worry, someday he’ll be the one struggling with all this...and I can promise you that he’ll keep on visiting, just like May. And who knows, we may have another little chipper running around our legs.”

    *****

    Max was holding the phone against his ear, dazed, not sure of how his battling techniques went so wrong, they had worked in the past. He pushed the button to access the call directory, typing in the number to the Cherry Grove Pokémon Centre again, knowing that May would have sympathy for him.

    “Hello, this is the Cher...hello again Max, would you like to speak to your sister again?” the nurse asked him politely, still with her robotic charms and passionate voice that he would listen to for hours, he could understand why Brock fell head over heels for them.

    “Yes please Nurse Joy, that would be nice.”

    “Well, lucky for you she’s been sitting here all day, waiting to hear from you. You seem like close siblings.”

    “On the contrary,” the familiar voice said, barging herself onto the screen to gaze onto the face of her disappointed brother, “I take it everything didn’t go too well?”

    “No, I lost marginally, and Delcatty was really helpful, that was the main reason for me calling. I wanted to ask whether I could hold onto her for another few weeks before you want her back out there.”

    “Okay, if you promise me one thing...you won’t lose next time round,” she jokingly said, winking at her younger brother as she use to when he needed cheering up.

    “I can promise you that if you wish, the team and I will be training these next few days, so that we can combat the difficulties Dad throws at us.”

    “Good idea little bro, Drew and Harley are here if you want a word?”

    “God no...no offense to either one of them, but Drew would just gloat and Harley would act immature.”

    “If you wish, well best let you get back to Mum and Dad. Good luck!”

    She switched off the phone at her end and shut down the monitor, Max would now have to face the onslaught that lay ahead of him with himself, he couldn’t let Roxanne interfere, it would just seem like cheating. The only way to win was by training constantly, with hard thought problems to face, but first a few days relaxing didn’t seem like a bad miss.

    He arrived back into the stadium area where all official battles were held, interrupting an important conversation between the three adults left in the room but still not realising as his sole occupation was concentrating on improving.

    “Roxanne, I’ll be heading out to the lake in the centre of town for a little relaxing, you can stay here if you want as I’ll return later for supper and I’m sure Dad can find you a room,” with a whisk of his body he fled out of the front doors, with no possibility of anyone replying to his comments, he needed to escape from reality for a little bit before returning to it for an intense battle that would ensue.

    “Okay then, see you Max,” Roxanne muttered under her breath before returning back to the preliminary conversation they were having just as Max entered the room, all they could do was hope he enjoyed it.

    Max ran down the path from the gym at high speeds, chasing the same flock of Murkrow he had seen when leaving for Birch’s lab, when his entire journey began. He slammed on the breaks as he reached the outskirts of the lake, walking briskly into the hub of activity then constantly progressed throughout the different days, with hustlers on the right of him selling Magikarp and a number of other Pokémon, but now was not the time to dwell on the thieving scams that took place. As he reached to clasp each individual ball, he felt a lump against his leg, his curiosity had forgotten about the box given to him by Jimmy so he leisurely took it out. The presence of the box made the mood become worse, now was not the time to worry about what was contained within it, he just needed to relax. Once obtaining his first Gym Badge he could explore the depths of the intriguing box, right now it was time to pass his fears to one side, so he threw all three PokeBalls into the shimmering light, watching the Pokémon appear before him, this was his cue to chuck his clothes and items on the floor before diving head first into the refreshing water that bestowed him. The Pokémon were left to enjoy themselves in whatever activities they could concoct, it was time for a week of fun!
    Last edited by harryheart; 10th February 2009 at 3:51 PM.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
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  17. #217
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    It was okay, but the battle was way too short. Even to show that Max is inexperienced, it was too short. I'm sure Charmander and Budew could've held out a bit longer. But whatever, it seems okay and I enjoyed the chapter.
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  18. #218
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    Juts like TurtwigFan1 the battle seemed short. Otherwise, it was still good. Too bad ManaphyMan quit!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by TurtwigFan1 View Post
    It was okay, but the battle was way too short. Even to show that Max is inexperienced, it was too short. I'm sure Charmander and Budew could've held out a bit longer. But whatever, it seems okay and I enjoyed the chapter.
    Okay, so in the future battle need to be longer, with this Chapter I felt it would be better to keep it shorter but next time you'll be assured that it will be a lot more detailed and longer. And I'm glad that it didn't detract from the story too much.

    Quote Originally Posted by Torpoleon View Post
    Juts like TurtwigFan1 the battle seemed short. Otherwise, it was still good. Too bad ManaphyMan quit!!
    Like I said to TurtwigFan1 I'll work on that, especially as the next chapter concludes the Petalburg Gym challenge, however that turns.

    And it is a shame that MM can no longer Beta my fic, as his help was appreicated and needed, but he has really turned it around in the last few chapters and I'm glad I was able to work with him in 2/3 chapters

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
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  20. #220

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    I am terribly sorry to have to say this.

    The chapter altogether felt rushed. I would have expected Max greeting his parents a little longer than that. It's Cherrygrove, not Cherry Grove, by the way. The battle, as previously stated, is rushed. I read it halfway through, but I eventually lost will and found myself skipping a couple of paragraphs. I know that you worked hard, but now I see what big help ManaphyMan had been to you. It was disappointing to see you fall after an awesome chapter 9.

    Not being rude, and sincerely hoping you improve,
    zen master dude

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    Quote Originally Posted by zen_master_dude View Post
    I am terribly sorry to have to say this.

    The chapter altogether felt rushed. I would have expected Max greeting his parents a little longer than that. It's Cherrygrove, not Cherry Grove, by the way. The battle, as previously stated, is rushed. I read it halfway through, but I eventually lost will and found myself skipping a couple of paragraphs. I know that you worked hard, but now I see what big help ManaphyMan had been to you. It was disappointing to see you fall after an awesome chapter 9.

    Not being rude, and sincerely hoping you improve,
    zen master dude
    It's not rude don't worry, and I obviously didn't make it at all clear but Max had already been home, greated his parents and all, that's how he got Delcatty. It was just a battle, and yes the battle was probably short but that was also for a reason which didn't work out.

    ManaphyMan will be missed, and I hope the next chapter can be altogether better.

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
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  22. #222
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    Okay, I just want to start out by pointing something out.

    The decoration was more magnificent than he remembered; as his focus was mainly on gazing upon the hand weight shaped Balance Badge projecting boldly from the front of his Dad’s Gym. It’s positioning was well thought of too, smack bang in the middle of the white spirally adornments that reached to the edge of the old wooden building that Max’s family had lived in since his Grandfathers day. Everything was perfectly in place.

    “We’re here...I can’t quite believe it!” Max hastily spoke, feeling the utter exasperation from just witnessing the outside of the gym as he realized the first badge would be placed in his palm in a matter of hours, “The past two weeks weren’t all for nothing, as at last I’m here to challenge my Dad.”
    I know you are writing in first person, but when describing things, you really need to describe them as Max would. When you're writing this kind of third person narrative, you need to put description and view of the events in a sense that the character you are showing the view from would present it. Max is terribly OCC in this two paragraphs. I suggest you look back at some old AG episodes to get a feel for Max's character. Also, look at some of the movies, the 6th movie, especially, since it focused on Max.

    The battle was described much better than former battles, but it was way too short to be a gym battle. Or any battle for that matter.

    Lastly, the little scene between Caroline and Norman nearly made me through up. Maybe it's because I'm allergic to cheesy scenes, but PLEASE keep those scenes to a minimum. Caroline bursting into tears was a little much.

    Overall, 3/10. Yes, Manaphyman will be missed. He did do a good job of helping you.

  23. #223
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    Quote Originally Posted by chosen_one386 View Post
    I know you are writing in first person, but when describing things, you really need to describe them as Max would. When you're writing this kind of third person narrative, you need to put description and view of the events in a sense that the character you are showing the view from would present it. Max is terribly OCC in this two paragraphs. I suggest you look back at some old AG episodes to get a feel for Max's character. Also, look at some of the movies, the 6th movie, especially, since it focused on Max.
    Okay first off I was trying to put emphasis on the fact that he viewed it as change, but that didn't really work so I agree with you there. Not to sure what you mean by being OCC so if you could elaborate that would be handy. I have been watching the Advanced series from the beggining recently and I'm getting a clearer picture on how to develop Max's character.

    Quote Originally Posted by chosen_one386 View Post
    The battle was described much better than former battles, but it was way too short to be a gym battle. Or any battle for that matter.
    The battle was designed to be short to show how much work Max needs to do to improve vastly from the point he was at, so mkaing him lose quickly I thought would help portray that and the fact he was cocky and overconfident. But the next chapters re-match will be totally different!

    Quote Originally Posted by chosen_one386 View Post
    Lastly, the little scene between Caroline and Norman nearly made me through up. Maybe it's because I'm allergic to cheesy scenes, but PLEASE keep those scenes to a minimum. Caroline bursting into tears was a little much.
    Again this was trying to show a different side to a character, and the fact of another baby which will become somewhat major throughout the course of the series, and what could replace that! It also was trying to show how Max was growing up!

    Quote Originally Posted by chosen_one386 View Post
    Overall, 3/10. Yes, Manaphyman will be missed. He did do a good job of helping you.
    And yes he will be, and I hope my future chapters can live up to his standard!

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
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  24. #224
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    I would have to agree about the short battle, but at least when you have the next gym battle, you'll know to make it last longer.

    Apart from that, everything else is fine.




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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Snover View Post
    I would have to agree about the short battle, but at least when you have the next gym battle, you'll know to make it last longer.

    Apart from that, everything else is fine.
    Thank you for reviewing Snovy, and yea the battle was short, but lets hope the future battles won't be as short otherwise that will be a bummer!

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
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    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

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