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Thread: An All New Road (Rated 13+)

  1. #1

    Default An All New Road (Rated 13+)

    Hi, I'm new here so if have any questions just ask.
    This is penguinshipping I won't explain much 'cause I might explain things you don't want to know.

    Chapter 1

    Dawn's POV

    After getting to second place in the Sinnoh Grand Festival I decided to go to the Hoenn."Now dear,don't forget that the rules have slightly changed since the last Hoenn Grand Festival." "Okay Mom!" as I said while waving my hand goodbye as the ferry left.

    After arriving in Slateport City I decided to check out the museum.On the top floor I saw someone familiar.Then I squinted, "Kenny!" I yelled as I got him in a hug.

    Kenny's POV

    OMG.I blush so red that my face looked like an apple."It's so good to see you here!But,why are you here?" "Some guy from Rustboro told me to give this package to Capt.Stern." I replied still blushing.Then a couple strange looking guys came and said "Give that package if you know what's goo for ya'" one of the gangsters yelled at me."You'll have to beat me first!" I replied sternly.I gave the package to Dawn. "Go Prinplup!Breeloom!" "Go Zubat!Numel!" "Prinplup Hydro Pump on Numel!Breeloom use Iron Tail on Zubat!" They were sent flying out of the window and into route 132. "We'll get you next time!" they yelled while leaving.

    At the Pokemon Center

    "Two rooms please" "Sorry but there is only one room left" she gave me the key."Here Dawn I'm gonna camp out" as I gave the key I left.

    Dawn's POV

    I spent all night wondering how Kenny was doing Thats it I thought to myself.I'm going to check on Kenny!

    When I left the Pokemon Center it was freezing!No sign of Kenny Anywhere.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    Well that's the end of chapter one! It has to end here 'cause I'm Going on a ferry trip.Chapter 2 will come soon!

  2. #2

    Default

    i don't mean to sound rude, but you really should take a look at the rules. =/ this looked to be way under a page long, and there are many of the exact same thread.

    Drew
    there's very very little dialouge, and where there is, it's not separated by another paragraph. when he leaves on the boat, all he says is ok mom. it's not exactly heartwarming for saying goodbye before he begins on a long journey.

    to make it longer, some details about his ferry ride would be nice. explain what it was like and how he was feeling. did he have his pokemon with him? or did he leave one or more behind?

    at the museum, he really gets ooc when he hugs kenny. [drew's not a very affectionate guy. ^^;] and how long has he known him? and from where?

    Kenny
    in writing, you typically want to avoid aol dialouge unless you really intend to have the person talk like that. and i'm wondering: why did he blush? does he like drew? when he battles the magma grunt [i'm assuming], he's still in a museum. i doubt the lady at the counter would ignore the rukus upstairs. and i'd imagine kenny and drew would want to protect the displays?

    he's at the pokemon center: ok, i understand that. but then Dawn appears out of nowhere. it was sweet that he went outside to camp while she slept in the bed though. ^^ but she didn't show any kind of reaction towards that gesture of kindness. =/

    Dawn
    no much to say here. it was only two lines long. but the same question arises with her as it did Drew: does she have any pokemon with her? one things that would make her side longer is a brief description of what she's been doing for the past few months. how she met kenny and where. just little things like that. she could just be thinking all that through while she's getting ready for bed... maybe piplup could be there. -^^-

    i see where you're going with this, and it's a good attempt for a first fic. [correct me if i'm wrong. i just haven't seen you around.] and i really don't mean to be mean about this. i know just how it feels when someone slams my writing. =( please take into consideration that i dont' know how old you are too... so i really don't know who i'm judging here. like i said, it's a good start. it just needs a bit of work. i hope i helped, and don't take it harshly... =]

    Tff
    It's been a long time... But it's so good to be back. <3
    Deviantart ID page: TranquilSimplicity
    Life giving you lemons? [Insert witty response here]

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    England
    Posts
    5,440

    Default

    I think that its too soon for you to start this fanfic. A good thing to do is read other fanfics and learn how you want yours to look.

    If you want people to read your fanfic you need to keep chapters at least the size of one page on MS Word.

    You're new here, theres no need to go straight to making a fanfic.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    England
    Posts
    5,440

    Default

    I think that its too soon for you to start this fanfic. A good thing to do is read other fanfics and learn how you want yours to look.

    If you want people to read your fanfic you need to keep chapters at least the size of one page on MS Word.

    You're new here, theres no need to go straight to making a fanfic.

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