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Thread: clanless

  1. #1
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    Default clanless

    i know this is short even for prolouge so im sorry. anyways this is my first fanfic. im open to all criticism that i get and will try and follow any advice u give.

    oh i dont own pokemon or anything in this fic

    PROLOGUE

    From the inside of the clan leaders hut, a girl with short raven black hair was listening as the town elder spoke of the great clans wars. With an interest in the history the girl listened as the Gramen leader told the teenagers of life in the past

    ‘Many a year ago when the world was newly formed pokemon and people lived in harmony. All types of pokemon be they grass, ice, fire or water shared the earth with one another,’ explained the elder ‘peace however was a luxury that would not last.’

    ‘Eventually a war broke out between the people and having pokemon they fought with types that best suited their personalities, thus started the clans.’

    The Elder explained that peace was eventually restored between the clans by the four most powerful clans; Incendia; Gramen: Unda and Desumo. The four clans had joined their powers to end the war and as a result had ensured a place of power.

    This had been the case till the present day.

    The dark haired girl whose name was Eva had sat among her family of sorts. Looking around she knew that she would never be equal to them in anyway and this had been made clear in many ways. The sea of green hair that surrounded her made Eva think of the family that she had lost and the family that she would never know. It made her think of how different she truly was.

    As long as she could remember she had grown up with the Gramen clan but a little of her past had been made clear to her by her adoptive parents, a lower ranking family of the clan.

    As a small child she had been found in the forest by the couple, alone in the middle of winter surrounded by a pack of Mightyena, a large grey and black wolf with a tendency of being aggressive. This would be the start of a new life as the child was rescued and had begun a new life.

    From that day forth she had been a member of the Gramen clan and had been given the name Eva. A name meaning life. A name that would be so greatly linked to her past and future.


    PS the clan names are in latin and relate to the pokemon type obviously
    i didnt know the meaningof Eva until i looked it up.
    Last edited by shadow_wolf; 11th September 2008 at 10:44 PM.

  2. #2
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    Well, it seems pretty interesting, with the clans and all. Though I wished you didn't infodump the first four paragraphs. I think it would have been better idea to let the audience find out about the history of that world and everything through your character's journey. It's better to inject those kind of information by bits instead of a chunk.

    Also, i think it would have been better if you started this chapter with Eva in the present, and then slowly explained how she came to be. But if you were to keep that fifth paragraph, then it could have been better experienced if you wrote it under the Mightyena's point-of-view, instead of third-person omniscient.

    I'm liking what may be coming later on in this story. You have me very interested in reading the next chapter, which a writer should always be capable of, so kudos to you. I hope I'll see more later.
    Burning the Veil - My first pokémon fanfic

  3. #3
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    koffkoffmarykoffsuekoff

    Or in other words with such a short prologue, pretty much one paragraph for the child, you've made her dangerously Mary Sue.

    Then there's the fact you really rushed and vaguely set up the land, and the clans; you could have focused on them more, and then finally, nearing the end of the prologue, set it up to where Eva, the lone survivor of her massacred clan, was found by the Mightyena, though it confuses me.

    You have it many Mightyena are there, yet have it only one was smart enough to seek aid? Why did they only try and rescue the one babe? How was she overlooked? It may be a Prologue but you left it so vapid and up in the air it just screams you're setting yourself up for a Mary Sue.

    I suggest heavily revamping this first, before making a first chapter. And reading Advice for Aspiring Authors, and taking a Sue test, to be sure your character avoids becoming a sue of any sort.

  4. #4
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    well its slightly shorter and has been rewritten so there is much less info given out at the start.

    i might put chap 1 up at the weekend

  5. #5
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    no more reviews never mind tho id appreciate the advice and crit.
    any who heres chapter 1......though as of yet it has no title

    Chapter 1

    Emerging from the tent the black haired girl looked around at her surroundings. Various tents of different heights and shades of green were littered around. Children ran about the camp chased by the multitude of pokemon owned by the clan. Trees of pine and conifer grew around the camp explaining why this was the home of the Gramen clan.

    From behind Eva walked a large green dinosaur whose neck was adorned by a large white and fuchsia flower. The pokemon was the elder’s Meganium.

    What is wrong child asked the pokemon it is a time for celebration. Understanding of the Meganium came from the bond that Eva had formed with the pokemon when she was small.

    Knowing what Meganium meant Eva sighed. For the past two years although she had been eligible to start her journey with her own pokemon, she had been unable to go. Once a year those over the age of 14 had been chosen to journey with a single pokemon or guardian representative of the clan favoured type.

    ‘‘How many guardians are there for this year’s ceremony then Meganium’’ enquired the girl

    There are five guardians for this year. You never know this may be the year that the guardians chose you.

    Before the girl could ask which pokemon were allocated as the guardians she was interrupted by a tall figure blocking the light. The Elder, whose name was Jarrah, emerged from the tent that the younger members of the clan had recently been studying in.

    ‘‘Eva,’’ the Elder said ‘‘I need to speak with you on a matter that is very important to this year’s ceremony.’’

    Not fully understanding what the Elder wanted, Eva hesitated before turning to follow the Elder back into the tent.

    ‘‘Eva the time has come for you to start your own journey. I must apologise that it has been so late in coming.’‘ Jarrah said.

    ‘‘What do you mean Sir?’’ asked Eva feeling slightly puzzled.

    ‘‘There are reasons why the guardians have not chosen you to start you journey and one of those is the fact that you are actually a part of the Umbra clan.’’

    A look of pure confusion flashed upon her startling grey eyes. The Umbra clan had never been mentioned when lessons were taught on the history of the clans. Bewildered she waited for the elder to continue.

    ‘Unfortunately there was an incident just before you third birthday that resulted in the clan being wiped out. As a result of this you were left orphaned. There was a reason that they clan was destroyed but no one is sure why it happened or who was responsible for it.’

    The elder went onto explain about the fire that had destroyed the clans home and the path of destruction that had followed. There was to be no trace that there had ever been a settlement there. He explained how the wolf pokemon Mightyena had brought the child to safety only to return to the camp to die with its partner. All pokemon that had been owned by this clan had been destroyed and so no dark types had been seen since.

    Eva now knew her true identity. As the reality of it sank in she thought to her self, why had she been left alive while her whole family and clan had been killed. What had made her so special?

    ‘‘How does this all affect why I’ve been unable to travel?’’ Eva enquired ‘‘I may be alone without a true clan to care for me but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have a different guardian like your grass types!’’

    Sensing an increase in the girl’s anger the elder decided to speak up.

    “The reason for that is that I have been trying to find a guardian that will draw less attention to you being the sole heir of the Umbra clan. I have only recently acquired such a pokemon.”

    This statement caused Eva to see sense. She could never rightfully control a grass guardian. The elder had been finding a guardian for her, this was why she was unable to go. This meant that maybe she would be able to start her own journey with pokemon and discover the reality of the world around her.

    ***************************************

    As night fell the celebrations fell underway. Ribbons of green and brown hung from trees and across the tents. Lanterns were littered among the trees casting an eerie glow across camp. The clan members, all wearing dresses of green and suits of brown gathered around a large green tent that had been assembled specifically for the event.

    Eva, not normally a timid person, was worried about the proceedings. Fear shone in her eyes as she contemplated the pokemon that had been found to be her guardian. Unsure of the events that were to unfold she found herself pacing the inner ring of the tent.

    ‘‘Will all the candidates step forward’’ called an unrecognisable voice from outside the tent where the five teens were gathered.

    As the four Gramen children left the tent Eva almost reluctantly stayed, feeling that she truly did not deserve to be part of the spectacle. This feeling left her as she saw that the rest of the group had left her.

    Outside the large green tent stood five pokemon, four being the Gramen’s own type of grass, the fifth being an unrecognisable type standing far behind the grass types. The four grass pokemon stepped forward. The first looked like a small green gecko with a red belly and a large green tail, a Treecko. Next in line to it was a pokemon that resembled a small turtle like pokemon with a shell of brown and a dark green body, on its head was a stick with two small green leaves shooting out of it. The last was a pokemon that like the on before stood on four legs. Its green/blue body was speckled with blue. Atop it’s back sat a bulb of leaf green.

    The five teenager waited in silence until there names were called in turn and the pokemon choose who out of the clan they were best suited in both personality and style. Glancing round where she stood, Eva saw a boy who was only just eligible to take part in the event. His short dark hair was almost as black as her own on this starless night. On her other side stood a girl, similar in height to herself and probably feeling as nervous as Eva was. Her green hair seemed to radiate light as she stood in silence.

    The first name called belonged to a boy nearly six feet in height with a mop of dark green hair. His name was Tarragon. As he stepped forward as did one of the guardians. It was similar in size to the Treecko but was a pale green colour with bright intelligent red eyes. On top of its head rested a single green leaf. The pokemon was known as Chikorita the pre evolved form of a Meganium.

    So this went on until all four of the grass starters had chosen their companion whom they shared the journey alone. Finally it was Eva’s turn to step forward to meet her guardian.

    But before she could do so the Elder spoke. ‘‘Although Eva is not one of our own and should not journey with our clan I have made a decision to allow her to travel. Her guardian is not a grass type but a dual type to allow her clan traits to develop.’’

    As this was said the pokemon that was to be Eva’s guardian stepped forward. The small puppy like creature had short black fur, markings of red showedon it muzzle and underbelly. White markings adorned its ankles, a vaguely skull shaped mark could be seen on its forehead. The pokemon was a Houndour a dual type of dark and fire.

    At this the ceremony fell into silence. It was unheard of for a clan to give out a pokemon of a different type, but they all knew that it would have to happen sooner or later. The girl had been with the clan long enough to deserve the chance to free but there was a danger that the pokemon’s typing would be discovered.

    Thus ended the ceremony, all guardians had their partner and all of the chosen had theirs. Eva looked down again at her guardian and knew that life was about to change. This pokemon gave her only link to her clan and her heritage. Eva felt that over time as the bond between them strengthened she might be able to know the truth about her past.

    Deciding to wait until morning to leave Eva turned to return her tent only to turn to see a lone pokemon stood in the clearing. A wolf in appearance its snow white for shone in the lamp like. A dark scythe shape sprung from its face. As if sensing it was being watched the pokemon turned tail and fled into the forest depths. Looking down Eva saw that the little Houndour had not seen the mysterious pokemon. Sighing Eva carried on walking to her tent convinced the pokemon she had seen was merely an illusion.




    well there we go. please crit this somebody.
    Last edited by shadow_wolf; 18th September 2008 at 9:52 PM.

  6. #6
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    Soo... talking pokemon. Or Eva is just, I dunno, Spechul.

    This was.. rushed, short and flat. Any potential you DID have, was left way, way before Go, the same with your still flat and rushed as hell prologue. There was VERY little description, VERY little emotion and very little setting up scenes, characters, or interaction of them. Eva comes off as extremely mary sue when the elder suddenly takes a turn and decides to allow her to travel, but NOT with a grass pokemon even though evidently she can understand them!

    I could not force myself to read much more, this was just horrible and it leads me to think that A: you wrote this up in the reply box, B: you wrote it in under 10 minutes, C: You did not read the Advice for Aspiring Authors and or Rules thread, and D: You really aren't trying.

  7. #7
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    As the four Gramen children left the tent Eva almost reluctantly stayed. After a few moments however she followed suit.
    You didn't explain why she almost reluctantly stayed. Which emotion was holding her back?

    The first looked like a small green gecko with a large green tail, a Treecko. The pokemon looked at the children before turning back to stand besides the rest.
    If you described the first of the four guardians, you must describe the rest of them. It's either all or nothing.

    Umm...this chapter went by very fast without anything in-depth. You're supposed to go more in-depth with your main character, so we can understand her personality and how she interacts with people.

    Also, if you're having a ceremony, you must describe it, especially when it's an important event.

    You had a lot of grammatical errors. You needed commas in a lot of places, and you're suppose to use double quotations for dialogue, and single quotations when you quoting something/someone within the dialogue.

    Ex.

    "Hi, my name is Zero," Zero said.

    "Zero said, 'Hi, my name is Zero' a few seconds ago," Haitian said.

    *******

    You need to give more life to your main characters, otherwise, Yami Ryu will continually tell you that your chapters are short, rushed, flat, and lack substance. Treat Eva as a real character, and let the story be told from her eyes. Let Eva take control of the story (I think this is the best way I can advice you on to how flesh your character out. I'm sure others will have way better advice though.)

    Good luck.
    Burning the Veil - My first pokémon fanfic

  8. #8
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    thanx ill try an edit it on word again and maybe repost as two chapters in alot more detail...
    sorry bout ' marks im so used to putting one in...maybe thats y i got a b at gcse...

    anyways im tired working is too hard. i appriciate all reviews

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