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Thread: The DreamScope Chronicles.

  1. #51
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    *coughsplutter* (Crawls out from under mound of homework and notes)

    Attention readers! [/YGOTASref.]

    As you may tell from bracketed action above, I have been obscenely busy lately and writing (for pleasure anyway) hasn't exactly been teetering on the summit of my agenda if you know what I mean. To make things worse, the workload shows no signs of lessening any time soon. To this end, I declare The DSC on hiatus to be continued when I am not drowning in my own copious notes. It is likely that I will finish Chapter 3 (yes, I have started it) during the Christmas holidays when I shouldn't have so much to do. Further chapters will be written when I have time at weekends and during holidays so don't worry, this is not an abandonment speech (there's no chance of me throwing away what I've got in store for you guys any time soon!) it's just that things'll be rather slow on the churning out chapters front from now on.
    I hope you faithful readers will stick with The DSC even through this phase as I promise it'll get more exciting and less "standard trainer fic"-y just as soon as I catch up with my self, ie: once I get past the point I reached with JAJ.
    See ya next chapter (however far away that may be),
    ~JammyU
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  2. #52
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    It's ok work is more important.
    My Dragons! Click them If you dare.....

  3. #53
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    Well, I suppose I should take this chance (now that Titan's posted so I can't be accused of bumping) to announce my plans.

    Although DSC is already on a tentative hiatus, I would like to ubgrade that to temporary closure. In the summer, once my AS levels are out of the way I may continue (I really did have great plans for this story) but I'm afraid that my school work is just more important at the moment.

    On the plus side, I have an idea for an "original region" fic rapidly developing in my head, so the first chapter or two of that may appear at some point in the future.

    To clarify: I am not rejecting DSC, simply transferring my efforts to school work and possibly this new story until I have enough time to do all three ie: the summer.

    As a side note, votes in the FFAwards may convince me that DSC is worth continuing with sooner rather than later.

    Thanks for all your comments, help, reviews and support since the birth of JAJ (6 months seems like such a long time),
    ~JammyU
    Last edited by Inconspicuosaurus; 8th January 2009 at 11:23 AM.
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  4. #54
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    Oh my, that's about 6 months away! DDD:

    Well, good luck.



  5. #55
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    Well as long as we may see it again in the future i suppose thats ok, but still 6 months!

    Its sad time now

    Anyway good luck with all your school work and exams and things, i know how much fun they can be.

  6. #56
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    Smile

    Edit: O lol, I didn't see that this was on hiatus before I posted. OH WELL. Hope to see it continue soon. ;(


    Not bad, I enjoyed reading this, you have a talent for writing interesting characters, especially. However, it does have its flaws. Review time!




    Chapter 1

    “Dad, your acting like a vampire Golbat.
    Should be 'you're', since it's a contraction of 'you are'.

    a Goldeen who’s fascination ran out
    Should be 'whose', and you make it sound like the Goldeen's fascination ran out. I think it should be 'novelty', instead.

    Another, smaller, but still quite tall, shadow appeared by the figure of the renowned Ash Ketchum. The second figure stepped forward and her red her glinted in the sunlight from the windows high up in the labs ceiling.
    Her red her? I think you mean 'hair'. You don't need a comma after 'another', either.

    Also... is it absolutely necessary that Amber be Ash's daughter? I mean, would it drastically change the storyline? Most of the time I read these things [Ash-daughers are, by the way, almost always named Ashley or Amber, that I can recall], it's just a cheap way to make their character 'special'. If it is crucial to the storyline that her father is Ash, however, I shall eat my words.


    “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
    Multiple exclamation points make my brain esplode with displeasure. Would it be that awful to put "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" instead?

    “Pleasebegood, pleasebegood, pleasebegood.” James hoped
    I think 'chanted' would be better here, hoped seems like an odd verb to describe speaking, and we can already guess that he's hoping.

    “Thus, enabling the wearer to here the thoughts of said pokemon.”
    Should be 'hear'. The homophones are being neglected- NOOOOOO!


    Chapter 2


    Chapter 2: Of Dodgy Data and Inihilated Instalations.
    This should be 'Annihilated', and 'Installations'. A simple spellcheck should have caught these.

    “Yes, yes, it was an ingenious idea,”
    You spelled it 'ingenius' in the last chapter's title, but 'ingenious' here.

    “But will he be able to cope?” asked Oak, “I mean this is an important mission we’re sending him on.”
    Wha? They're sending a thirteen year old out with this machine? What a mean father. "Here you go, it's our latest invention! Sure, it could give you brain tumors or lobotomize you for all we know, and boy were we surprised when the thing actually worked, but you should be able to handle it just fine.

    Another thing- the fact that he gets a super-special item that nobody else has, which enables him to use telepathy, is pretty unappealing. Not only do we have the daughter of 'hero' Ash Ketchum, but now we have a boy with a super special device and super special powers? Hmm.


    “Gary, it’s the Dream Scope, it must be working!” he exclaimed excitedly.
    -TEN SECONDS LATER-

    “James, why are you and Bulbasaur staring at each other?” He asked. “Oh my! Are you talking to each other, is it really working?”
    For amazing scientists who have just created a revolutionary device, they aren't that bright.

    “James, now your staring at me,” said Gary, looking at James strangely.
    That... doesn't sound like something anyone would say. If some dude was just staring at me after I asked him a question, I'd say, "Well?" or something to that effect- not point out the obvious. Be careful not to make dialogue a plot device- read it out loud and ask yourself if it sounds normal. Even characters with an unusual way of speaking should never sound awkward. And again, it should be 'you're', not 'your'. Always use 'you're' when the word can be substituted for 'you are'.

    “I don’t believe it,” said Dad, looking amazed, “it seems that because of the combination with the DreamScope, the pokedex chip has taken on its own telepathic abilities and artificial intelligence.”
    Whaa? I don't even pretend to understand this. It's like an old $2 calculator suddenly being able to surf the internet. How on earth would a simple information-storing device chip SUDDENLY acquire AI and telepathic abilities? I can understand if it's your own quirk to give all 'dexes a sort of personality, but this is pretty out-there.


    “James, calm down,” said Gerald, “as Professor Oak said, we did everything we could to remove the Scope while you were unconscious but it simply won’t budge. Although there is no visible means of attachment it is firmly cemented to the side of your head.”
    So it fused to his head? This I can accept, what with the purple lightning. But... it should be way more painful than that. I mean, it was fused to his SKIN through burning hot LIGHTNING, as far as I understand it. And if I had a kid and some mysterious device suddenly fused to his head, I'd sure as hell get a surgeon of some sort before I went "Oh well, off on your journey you go!" and sent him out there with the thing.

    “Right, first things first, what moves do you know?” he asked.

    <Haven’t a clue, I’ve never even been in a battle.>
    This seems strange to me. Sure, he's never been in a battle, but you don't have to be in a battle to know that you can growl at stuff and tackle it. And how does it make sense that he'd only know how to use it when some trainer shouts it at him? Hrm.


    James concentrated on Bulbasaur and he stared back at him; James felt like he was falling into the pink wells of his over-sized eyes. Down, down, down…

    CRUNCH.

    He’d suddenly over-balanced and actually had fallen in to him.
    I really love this quote.

    those gals are buuut-ugly.
    'Butt' has two T's.

    “A leaf storm?!” James exclaimed in disbelief.
    WHAT. So not only are Ash and Gary in the story, James is now telepathic, Ash's daughter is there too, James' dad is a genius who made an amazing device, but now even James' Bulbasaur is special? I was so hoping for the tiny Bulbasaur to be bad at battling- after all, he's TINY, and this is BATTLING- and cause James to lose- but now there's yet another Sue-ism.


    “What, was his father a budew or something,” she joked.
    This is such a silly insult. In the games and, as far as I know, anime, a Pokemon's father has absolutely no effect on a Pokemon's strength. This was only here to reinforce that his Bulbasaur is special- after all, James can't have a- God forbid- average starter.

    “LEAF STORM!!!” James cried at the top of his voice and with a swoosh and a slash of razor-sharp leaves, Amber’s Krabby received the same vicious fate as James’ wardrobe.
    So James, with no battle experience whatsoever, wins against the daughter of apparently the strongest trainer ever, with the help of his Bulbasaur's super-special move? Aghhh.


    tl;dr

    OKAY. Sorry for the somewhat brutal review- but let me say this, I wouldn't have spent all that time writing this if I didn't like it enough- I WILL continue reading, in fact, put me on the PM list. This 'fic has potential, I like your writing style, and despite the massive amount of Stu in here, I find it entertaining, which is tough for OT 'fics to do. I really do hope to see the next chapter up soon. 'Til then!
    Last edited by Estuary; 18th January 2009 at 10:26 AM. Reason: IT JUST WASN'T BRUTAL ENOUGH- naw, I flubbed grammar




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    A study of the journey 'fic.


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    ~Voltaire



  7. #57
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    *Stumbles out of cave* I see... the LIGHT! Yikes, I seriously need to get on here more often... Anyway, the fan-fic's doing great! Add me in the PM list, if you will.
    DIALKIA
    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon 2: Time
    Team GoGetters - Hyper Rank
    Starter Level 82 PartnerLevel 83 Recruit Level 67
    PMD2 Friend Code: 2578-3442-0643 :If you need a rescue, just PM me! Successful Rescues: 2

    Credit goes to JammyU for this awesome Dialkia!

  8. #58
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    Oh dear, oh dear. One brand new and one returning reader to disapoint.

    NOT!!! Ha-HA! Although The DSC is still kinda dead, my NEW fic (featuring a whole new region, original characters and the occasional fakemon of my own creation) is coming along nicely (and by that I mean the first two paragraphs are quite good). I'm having some trouble with the title at the moment but, whatever it ends up being called, it's going to be a whole lot better than this or any other story I've written. It's got comedy, action, drama and mystery, infact it's sort of in the same genre as DSC, but just better . The prologue'll be up later this evening and chapter one hopefully later this week (fingers crossed!) so I look forward to seeing some of you guys there.
    Thanks for all your comments, help and support with JAJ and The DSC,
    ~JammyU

    BTW, Estuary, thanks for your comments and corrections (although, even though it's now obselete, I did correct all those errors in the first chapter, it just wouldn't let me edit my first post for some reason). I hope to carry all the good things (and as little as possible of the bad things ) over to my new fic, so I hope you'll visit it as your review would really have helped The DSC.
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  9. #59
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    Haha well as much of a bummer as it is to see that this fic is, for the moment, dead...I am awaiting your new fic with high anticipation

    Credit goes to Skiyomi for the banner!

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