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Thread: Pokemon Academy: Dedication Through Light and Darkness

  1. #176
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    I know that Jyharri has the egg, but when is it gonna hatch? He's had it for a few chapters and in the story that is about 2 weeks or so.
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  2. #177
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow XD001 View Post
    Anyway, this was a very good chapter. I'm not surprised Jyharri is going to infiltrate since he got the Card and he's the main Character, anyway.
    Many thanks for the review. Now we just have to wait and see if its successful

    So, Jyharri pretty much broke up with Stacy, correct? Did the egg ever hatch?
    Yes and then no. The egg is still an egg. Want to take a guess as to what is in it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lolitar View Post
    Im quite confused as shadow also, I dont remember reading anything about the egg being transported to Hoenn, and He hasnt used a new pokemon besides duskull, which he said he caught..
    Well it was Gastly and the egg stayed in his room. They were only gone for two weeks. Do you want to be on the PM List
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  3. #178
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    I just read the part in the chapter where he got the egg and I believe I know what Pokemon it is. Is it Shinx? (you could either say it's a good guess and a possibility or PM/VM me if it was right or wrong)
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  4. #179
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow XD001 View Post
    I just read the part in the chapter where he got the egg and I believe I know what Pokemon it is. Is it Shinx? (you could either say it's a good guess and a possibility or PM/VM me if it was right or wrong)
    That is a good guess. I'm not going to answer at all :P Just keep guessing and you'll find out later. The next chapter should be up within the next two weeks. If I work dilligently then it should be up later this week. Unless anyone wants to place a vote for their favorite character then Sydnie and Brandon tie for first place
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  5. #180
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    So can you at least tell us the chapter the egg is gonna hatch in?

    Out of Sydnie and Brandon, I'd say Sydnie just because we've seen more of her and she is on the Black Organization and Jyharri is on Team Lustrous, that's interesting.
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  6. #181
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow XD001 View Post
    So can you at least tell us the chapter the egg is gonna hatch in?
    I'm just going to say soon. I don't know if I want it to hatch in the next chapter or in one of the following ones.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  7. #182
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    Alright dude, we’ll do this in arcs, so that I can at least have some sort of vantage point as to where I am.

    So, the “new students arc” had my attention today- the chapters were relatively short so I was able to get through it fast. I’m going to highlight the things that I saw and what I had a problem with, but before I do, I’d like to acknowledge two things:

    1) I absolutely love the premise. I also enjoy your characters, as well as the OT/Journey fic aspect of it. Once this is done, I’d love to see Jyharri and co embark on an adventure of their own in one of the regions, preferably one that we haven’t seen much of. (Oranges/Almia/Fiorre/Orre anyone?)

    2) I bet you have already improved on most of what I am going to say; but if you consider revising your earlier chapters, take the critique into consideration.

    First Arc
    -The beginning of the fic is clichéd. Yes, we hear about the so called history of Pokémon and we get an anime-esq intro, but you should try for something more original. I mean, I’m one to talk, I have the “In the Beginning…” gospel reading for my fic, but still.

    -What really irks me is I don’t know what region they’re in, some clarity on that would be nice.

    -My biggest issue is that if one attends the academy to become a Pokémon trainer, why do they already have Pokémon? Now I would be alright with them each having one Pokémon each, like a partner that was given to them by their parents, but having three or more seems at odds with the very premise of the story. I would attempt to remedy that, because this really, truly is at odds with your story. A person like Jyharri should not have an all powerful Zangoose and Charizard and then have to go to the Pokémon Academy. If trainers are supposed to go to said academy, they probably wouldn’t be allowed to have such a powerful Pokémon.

    -Also, Jyharri really seems like a gary-stu at this point. I’m going to give you leeway on this, because you probably remedy it later, but him being the “best battler, with the best Pokémon,” is not okay. Again, you probably fix this later, but if you rewrite these chapters, it may be good to make Jyharri have some pretty obvious faults. That’s one of the things I’m trying to do with my rewrites.

    -Cannon seems to be ignored here. I’m not a cannon-Nazi, quite the opposite actually, but I would like to see a reason for the placement of these kids in school. Was there a massive accident involving ten year olds? Did a Pokémon go bat-**** insane way back when and the law now requires a Pokémon Academy

    -Hmm…I’m liking the emerging plot, the whole Damien thing. With all the characters its rather confusing, but that’s fine.

    -The dorm/academy plot makes me nostalgic, as I am about to graduate high school and go to college and experience something like this. (Minus the Pokémon) Props there. My favorite character is probably Brandon because of his rather chill attitude and dense personality. We’ll see what happens as it goes on. ;]

    All in all, very captivating, I really like this. I can’t wait to read more, hopefully I’ll be caught up by the end of this weekend!

    After reading the Training Begins arc...

    While I still throughly enjoyed reading this arc, there are a lot of things I'd like to point out, so lets get to it!

    -The Eevee gender switch through me off, but you can correct it with ease, so no worries.

    -Again, Jyharri seens like a Gary-Stu, especially when he easily teaches Blast burn to Charizard. Again, we're talking about a first year student here. I mean, come on, he has three insanely rare, insanely powerful pokemon. I'm still being bothered by the "he has pokemon and knows full well how to battle and yet he still goes to the academy" buisness.

    -I really had a problem with him beating the Headmisstress but losing to the fourth year. This can be remedied by saying the Hedmistress let him win. Or something along those lines.

    -Its really hard to keep track of your characters...sounds like me dude. ;]

    Now for the good stuff:

    -This romance love triangle/cluster**** is something I really like. Although I'm not going to lie, I am an avid Jyharii/Sydnie shipper, I really want them to end up together. Jessica seems like a *****. She's a character I love to hate, props on that. Your characters are well done, and again I love the plot. As I read each chapter I see an improvement in description, but you should mind that in any potential rewrites.

    -I'm pumped for this tournement, I really am. It should be an entertaining read.

    -The Team Illustrious/Darkness plot is pretty epic. I'm just getting to the beginning of it, and I don't know what the connection is, but I'm really excited for it to come to fruition.

    You have me wanting more, there are just some things you need to work on. Until later, peace. :]

    After Reviewing the School Tournement Arc

    God, that was dense. Literally all battles. My comments for these chapters are rather basic and mundane, but here goes:

    -There was no emotion and little descirption in the arc; you spent too much time on the battles. I would have liked to see the arc cut down a bit and retooled with description and side plots, instead of having to read endless battle after battle. I mean, battles are awesome, but I even get bored writing them if its just a constant, steady slew.

    -Dude. Sydnie and Lustrious. 'Nough said.

    -Jyharri-stu is pissing me off. This may be the intention, but you really need to take him down a couple thousand pegs. He has every damn girl in the country after him, he wins the tournement and the egg, and is excedingly popular. I mean what is he, HARRY POTTER?!

    -I'm liking Stacy. Very interesting character.

    -How long is this intended to be? I mean one can only be at a school so long before it gets boring. We arent exactly at that point yet, but we're getting there. I guess what I'm saying is that I really miss the journeying aspect of an OT/Journey fic. (I realize your fic is clearly not a journey fic, but still.)You need to work on your character development. Might I suggest an arc, having something to do with your evil teams, that really shows us the true colors of our heros/villans? We're in need.

    Should finish this tonight or tomorrow, until then, pc.
    Last edited by Manaphyman; 29th January 2010 at 9:48 PM.

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  8. #183
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manaphyman View Post
    After reading the Training Begins arc...

    While I still throughly enjoyed reading this arc, there are a lot of things I'd like to point out, so lets get to it!
    Let us begin! And many thanks for the review.

    -The Eevee gender switch through me off, but you can correct it with ease, so no worries.
    I switched? I'll find that later and fix it.

    -Again, Jyharri seens like a Gary-Stu, especially when he easily teaches Blast burn to Charizard. Again, we're talking about a first year student here. I mean, come on, he has three insanely rare, insanely powerful pokemon. I'm still being bothered by the "he has pokemon and knows full well how to battle and yet he still goes to the academy" buisness.
    Well if you noticed the whole Blast Burn thing didn't go over well when he tried it out the first few times.

    -I really had a problem with him beating the Headmisstress but losing to the fourth year. This can be remedied by saying the Hedmistress let him win. Or something along those lines.
    Well it was a while since she had battled. I think it was over a decade. That and plothax :P

    -Its really hard to keep track of your characters...sounds like me dude. ;]
    I have a hard time myself sometimes XD That's why I wrote everyone down in a little notebook.

    Now for the good stuff:
    Hooray!

    -This romance love triangle/cluster**** is something I really like. Although I'm not going to lie, I am an avid Jyharii/Sydnie shipper, I really want them to end up together. Jessica seems like a *****. She's a character I love to hate, props on that. Your characters are well done, and again I love the plot. As I read each chapter I see an improvement in description, but you should mind that in any potential rewrites.
    NO! Another one falls to the dark side I'm not good at writing about guys and girls being best friends XD

    -The Team Illustrious/Darkness plot is pretty epic. I'm just getting to the beginning of it, and I don't know what the connection is, but I'm really excited for it to come to fruition.
    This plot wasn't even my original plot. I had something completely different, but once I came around to the plot development I lost the paper I wrote my stuff on and had to make something up.

    -There was no emotion and little descirption in the arc; you spent too much time on the battles. I would have liked to see the arc cut down a bit and retooled with description and side plots, instead of having to read endless battle after battle. I mean, battles are awesome, but I even get bored writing them if its just a constant, steady slew.
    The first time I wrote a tournament I tried to cut away from it for a little character development but that didn't go over so well. That's when I tried this approach. After having my readers wait for so long for this tournament I decided to give them battles and I think I overdid it XD

    -Jyharri-stu is pissing me off. This may be the intention, but you really need to take him down a couple thousand pegs. He has every damn girl in the country after him, he wins the tournement and the egg, and is excedingly popular. I mean what is he, HARRY POTTER?!
    *evil laugh* I have done my job then. I want to break away from what authors usually do. Instead of having you love the main character in the beginning I am trying to make you hate him. His character development is coming soon, don't worry

    -I'm liking Stacy. Very interesting character.
    I try

    -How long is this intended to be? I mean one can only be at a school so long before it gets boring. We arent exactly at that point yet, but we're getting there. I guess what I'm saying is that I really miss the journeying aspect of an OT/Journey fic. (I realize your fic is clearly not a journey fic, but still.)You need to work on your character development. Might I suggest an arc, having something to do with your evil teams, that really shows us the true colors of our heros/villans? We're in need.
    That is what the next arc focuses on. After this arc this installment is over.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  9. #184
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    Double post within three hours XD Anyway, I have brought the 23rd chapter of Dedication Through Light and Darkness. This chapter has some development for one character that desperately needed it and a revelation. I am starting to plan a prequel One-shot so that should be out soon. I have said enough. Now enjoi!



    Dedication Through Light and Darkness

    Chapter 23: Clash! Light vs Dark!

    Going to and from the Team Lustrous became a usual thing for Jyharri over the course of two weeks. Every time he went he was happily greeted by five of the six commanders. Alexander had remained silent with the exception of a few words. While going back and forth between the two, the egg he had received had begun to flash every once in a while. The morning of the planned assault, Aeolus had taken him back to the base, asking about Jyharri’s team. Surprisingly, none of the commanders were in the room.

    “Well I have Charizard, Zangoose, Gastly, Glaceon, and this egg that I won from the tournament,” explained Jyharri.

    “Tomorrow you will only need one Pokémon,” Aeolus told him. “On another note, the egg hasn’t shown any signs of hatching?”

    “It’s flashed a few times in the past few days if that means anything,” Jyharri said.

    Aeolus smiled and began to scrawl something down on a piece of paper. A click sound filled the room, a door at the back opening. The second highest ranked person, Doris, walked in. Taking a seat she watched Aeolus write on the paper.

    “What do you want Doris?” Aeolus asked.

    “I was thinking,” she started, “since I am the top Radiant that I could rank up to Lucent. I’ve been at this spot for too long. I was your best before you brought that cocky Alexander here.”

    “How do you know he’s cocky?” asked Jyharri. “He hardly says anything.”

    “I can feel it,” she replied. “I mean why would you have a boy of nineteen as your right hand person when you can have a beautiful twenty-two year old? I’ve been here way longer than he has anyway.”

    “Alexander has proven to me that he has the ability to accomplish any task I give him,” said Aeolus, continuing to write. “You on the other hand have shown that you can have trouble with the simplest of things.”

    “Well,” Doris scoffed, walking out the same way she came. Before she exited she turned her head towards Jyharri. “Good luck on your infiltration. If you don’t come back then I will miss you.”

    “Bring me that egg,” Aeolus told him, finally looking up from his paper. “While you get ready I will study the egg and try to speed up the hatching process.”

    Pulling the egg case out of his bag that sat in the chair next to him, Jyharri carefully handed it to Aeolus. His boss opened the case, tossing the top aside. Aeolus reached under the table, pushing a small button. A small object popped out of the middle of the table, looking like it was made to hold eggs with three bars inclined towards each other.

    “Now here is the plan,” said Aeolus, handing Jyharri the paper he had been writing on. “Give these to Alexander once Alakazam transports you to the nearest point. Once inside there will probably be dozens of Black Organization operatives. To avoid conflict I am going to provide you with these Black Organization robes.”

    Reaching behind him, Aeolus handed Jyharri robes for both him and Alexander. With one final look at Aeolus and the commander’s room, Jyharri exited. The remaining commanders were standing on the sides of the hallway, all of them smiling. At the end was Alexander, an Alakazam next to him. As he walked towards his partner, the commanders either saluted or gave him a little bow.

    “Don’t get in my way,” Alexander said with a stern look on his face.

    Just like when he came to the base, a blue sphere appeared around the three before they vanished. In the middle of a forest, three figures appeared out of nowhere. The mist of the early morning covered them; the only thing able to be seen was their outlines. Once they appeared Alexander gave Alakazam a nod. When he vanished Alexander began to run forward. Surprised, Jyharri tried to catch up, but Alexander was too fast. Trees flew by them as they ran through the forest. Jumping over large roots, Jyharri tried to read the directions that Aeolus had given him, but every time he tried a branch almost hit him in the face.

    “Alexander,” shouted Jyharri. “Aeolus told me to give you these directions once we got here. If you slow down then maybe we can read them.”

    “I don’t follow directions,” Alexander replied. “I do things my way.”

    With a snap, Alexander’s white robes fell off, revealing a Black Organization robe. Jyharri tugged on a string, his robes falling to the ground as well. Pulling up their hoods, the two began to sprint, a building appearing in the distance. Suddenly, Alexander’s eyes flashed green.

    “The base is about three kilometers away,” he announced. “If we keep up this pace we will reach it in about twenty minutes.”

    “That’s good,” said Jyharri, panting a little.

    “That’s not acceptable,” Alexander said. “We will reach it in six minutes.”

    As soon as he finished his sentence, Alexander bolted off, leaving Jyharri in his dust. Trying to speed up, Jyharri became very tired, his breath even heavier.

    “There’s only one way I can keep up,” Jyharri panted, pulling out a Pokéball.

    I knew that kid wouldn’t be able to keep up, thought Alexander. Looks like one more will die here.

    A blur flew past Alexander, almost throwing him off balance. The Team Lustrous commander looked ahead and saw Jyharri on his Charizard, both of them sticking their tongues out at him. Jyharri turned back around and saw the building come into full view. The building was huge, standing over thirty stories. As expected, the building was completely black. When the shadows hit it, the building seemed to vanish for a while. Once he was a few feet from the base, Jyharri jumped off his Charizard, recalling him as he did so. Soon enough Alexander skidded to a halt right beside him, not panting at all. Slowly they began to approach the front door. Jyharri’s heart began to race, a sickening feeling beginning to bubble in his stomach. Pulling out the key card, Jyharri handed it to Alexander who slid it into the scanner. After a few seconds the doors opened with a hiss. The first hallway was a normal hallway; black walls and a steel floor. Alexander took a step inside, looking down the hall, waiting to see if anything would happen.

    “Let’s go,” whispered Alexander.

    The two began to walk down the hall, their footsteps echoing. As the hall turned left so did Jyharri and Alexander. After taking lefts and rights for about half an hour, Alexander pulled out an ear bud, placing it into his ear.

    “Boss, something’s not right here,” Alexander said quietly. “We’ve been walking around for over thirty minutes and it seems to be that we can only go two ways; left or right. Understood; new kid! Scan the area, quick!”

    “All I see is you, me, and this hallway,” Jyharri said after looking around.

    “Not with your regular eyes,” Alexander angrily whispered.

    Finally understanding what he meant, Jyharri’s eyes turned yellow as he turned around. Besides his usual darkening body heat, he saw Alexander’s bright white heat. Continuing to scan the room, a glimpse of blue caught his eye. Quickly turning around, he saw a large amount of blue heat emanating from a corner.

    “There in the corner,” Jyharri said, his body beginning to shake. “There’s a collection of heat there!”

    Alexander’s eyes quickly turned white as a person began to materialize, laughing. The slender figure was hooded, their face not able to be seen. Auburn hair hung out of the hood, showing that they were obviously well groomed.

    “You Team Lustrous members never cease to amaze me,” said a female voice. “But, just like you Team Lustrous guys, I too have a special ability.”

    “You can place illusions on to people,” said Alexander, his now white eyes looking over her. “You can make it seem like they are running around for hours when they are actually in the same room they started at.”

    “And your ability must be being able to read other’s abilities,” she said with a giggle, pulling down her black hood.

    “I have many abilities,” Alexander said, pulling out a small knife, “but my favorite is being able to kill without any regrets.”

    As the two spoke, Jyharri tried to think of what to do. He wanted to move, but his legs weren’t cooperating. His mouth hung open, his eyes wide as the girl pulled out her own knife.

    “Good thing we aren’t using Pokémon. I was never a good battler,” she said. Turning towards Jyharri, she saw that he began to shake. “Don’t worry honey. This will all be over soon. I will make sure your death is quick and painless.”

    The woman lunged at Jyharri, the latter letting out a small gasp before putting his hands in front of his face. When the pain of the knife piercing his chest never came, he put his hands down to see Alexander standing in front of him.

    “Don’t freeze up again,” Alexander told him. “If you do then I won’t protect you anymore. You will surely die that way.”

    Alexander yanked his arm back, his knife quickly leaving the woman’s body. Blood splattered all over the front of Alexander’s robes. The woman’s body quickly dropped to the floor, her eyes wide open. Standing over his victim, Alexander licked some of her blood off his knife, an evil look on his face.

    “Let’s go,” Alexander said, putting his knife away before walking down the hall.

    The sick feeling in Jyharri’s stomach began to travel up his throat. Soon the acid from his stomach left his mouth, splattering all over the floor.

    “Not easy seeing your first kill is it?” Alexander asked as he stopped. “It’s not easy getting used to it, but you’re going to have to and fast. Now let’s get this done with.”

    After leaving the Black Organization woman, the two finally found a flight of stairs. After taking them they heard voices. Peeking around the corner, Alexander warned Jyharri that there were four Black Organization members ahead.

    “Just act natural,” whispered Alexander.

    Turning the corner, the two began to walk towards the group. As they walked, Jyharri’s body began to shake again. Once they neared the group, the real Black Organization members nodded at them, Alexander nodding back.

    “Nice red stain,” one of them said to Alexander. “Where’d you get it?”

    “I had to take care of some business,” said Alexander.

    “Was it some Team Lustrous scum?” he asked.

    “You can say that,” Alexander replied.

    “Who’s this kid?” another asked.

    Jyharri flinched as the group turned their attention to him. His body began to shake even more. He tried to answer them, but nothing would come out. Alexander went to answer, but one of the other men stopped him.

    “He must be that new recruit,” one of them finally said.

    “Yeah,” said another. “The one Sydnie was talking about.”

    At the mention of Sydnie, Jyharri flinched again. Trying to hold back his anger, he clenched his fists.

    “Are you alright kid?” one of them asked.

    “Where is Sydnie?” he asked quietly, his voice wavering.

    “She’s probably resting up in her bunk,” the man told him. “After all, the boss says we might have found Team Lustrous’ base. He wants to end this war.”

    Pushing through the crowd, Jyharri began to walk down the hall again. His eyes instantly turned yellow as he began to walk away. “Then allow me to end it.”

    Alexander quickly caught up to Jyharri, grabbing him on the shoulder. “What do you think you’re doing?”

    “Aeolus told me I might have to kill Sydnie so I might as well get it over with,” replied Jyharri as he shrugged Alexander’s hand off him.

    Alexander began to laugh. “I like the way you think. You’re not so bad after all.”

    Looking around, Jyharri tried to pinpoint Sydnie, but there were many more people on the second floor. Becoming frustrated, Jyharri remembered something. When he was looking for Sydnie on the ship to Hoenn he only saw her heat. Placing his hand over his right eye, the yellow color vanished. He focused all his energy into his left eye, scanning the floor. A pink aura was visible a few rooms down.

    “There she is,” said Jyharri with a smile.

    As Jyharri began to run towards his target, Alexander smiled, following him closely. Once they reached the room, Jyharri’s heart began racing again. He slowly opened the door, a bed coming into view. On top of the bed lay the slender body of Sydnie. Alexander handed Jyharri his knife. As Jyharri approached her, she rolled over in her bed, letting out a small sigh. His breathing became heavy as he held up the knife.

    “I’m sorry Sydnie, but I have to do this,” said Jyharri as he inched near her.

    Moving slightly to the side, the light from the hallway hit Sydnie’s face. Her lips were slightly parted, her dirty blonde hair covering part of the left side of her face. Jyharri froze the instant he saw her face. Suddenly memories of the past year began to flood into him. Then he remembered the family she had back in Lilycove City. Looking back, he saw that Alexander was gone. Now Jyharri couldn’t bring himself to hurt Sydnie or anyone. A sharp pain suddenly hit Jyharri in the gut. Dropping the knife, he fell to his knees, holding his gut. The same sharp pain hit him in the brain. Falling to the floor, everything around Jyharri turned into black. He had passed out in the enemy’s base.

    “He should be coming to,” said a voice.

    “I didn’t think Sydnie’s defenses would work even if there was no intent to kill,” said another.

    The dark void that surrounded Jyharri slowly began to disappear, another room coming into view. A group of about five people stood in front of and below Jyharri. His arms and legs had been restrained by four different machines, these four machines connecting to an even larger one. There was another person in the back by the door, but their back was to Jyharri, their face not visible.

    “Hello Jyharri,” said the man in the middle. “If you do not remember me then I am Dimitrios, leader of the Black Organization. These four are my top scientists and you know Sydnie.”

    Bewildered, Jyharri looked back to the person in the back. Once she turned around, he saw that it was indeed Sydnie. Tears had started to appear in her eyes, as she glanced at Jyharri.

    “What do you want with me?” Jyharri asked as he tried to move his appendages.

    As soon as he tried to move, an electric shock shot through his body. His body became limp as he gritted his teeth. He was in a bad situation and he didn’t know how to get out of it.

    “If you keep trying to move the shocks will only get worse,” Dimitrios told him. “Now, we need to get some information out of you. Where is the base of Team Lustrous?”

    At first Jyharri was going to tell him that he would never speak to the likes of him, but when he thought about it he never knew where it was. “I don’t know.”

    “Shock him,” Dimitrios said as another shock went through Jyharri’s body. “Don’t give me any crap. As soon as you tell me where the base is the sooner the shocking stops. Now where is it?”

    “I honestly don’t know,” said Jyharri, panting heavily. “I’ve only been teleported there.”

    “Give him another shock,” said Dimitrios, “and don’t stop until he tells me where that base is.”

    As Jyharri’s eyes widened, another shock traveled through his body, but this time it continued. Screams of agony filled the room, tears welling up in Sydnie’s eyes. Not being able to watch any longer, Sydnie turned away, not able to control her tears. Suddenly, the wall of the left side exploded. The six people in the room were pushed back, a circular figure floating into the room with another on top of it. The circular figure sprouted four legs before landing on the floor. As the smoke cleared the room, the figure on top of the machine like creature appeared to be Aeolus. Jumping off the silver creature, he pointed at the machine that held Jyharri. The golden X on the front of its face started to glow before another X flew off of it, destroying the machine. The shocks finally stopped as Jyharri started to fall forward. Aeolus caught Jyharri, pouring a liquid into his mouth.

    “Now it’s time to wake up,” Aeolus said as he began to lightly slap Jyharri in the face.

    Coming to, Jyharri held his head as he pushed himself away from Aeolus. “What’s going on?”

    “Aeolus,” Dimitrios yelled angrily. “I’ve waited a long time for this!”

    “As have I old friend,” Aeolus said as he laughed. “Today is the day this war ends. One of us is not going to be on this Earth tomorrow. Jyharri, flee out of the hole in the wall and join the others on the battlefield.”

    Jyharri nodded and dashed across the room, jumping out of the hole. “Sydnie, don’t let him get away!” Dimitrios said as he pointed at Jyharri.

    Reluctantly, Sydnie stood and followed Jyharri out of the hole, her worst fear coming true. Dimitrios pulled out a Pokéball, a smile on his face. The creature Aeolus used to release Jyharri appeared in front of its trainer, an angry look in its eye.

    “This brings me back,” said Aeolus.

    “All those years ago when Jasmine was alive,” Dimitrios said, “before you killed her!”

    “She was the first of many,” Aeolus said with a laugh. “She was unfit to be a Gym Leader anyway. Now let’s stop dwelling on the past. I will not hold back.”

    “Neither will I old friend. If you let up for even the slightest moment, I will kill you.”

    Aeolus laughed again. “Then let the war begin.”
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  10. #185
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    Yay, the war is almost over! I'm glad Jyharri didn't kill Sydnie, but not really surprised. What Pokemon did Dimitrios send out? Also, what are you gonna do after Chapter 25 since that's when it ends on the chapter list.

    So it seems like Aelous killed Jasmine.....

    Great Chapter as always and I can't wait for more and to see what is in the egg!
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  11. #186
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    O.O

    Alexander was seriously over-the-top there. It was over a little too quickly imo, but i'm guessing that's what you were aiming for. Oh, and how he left Jyharri to be caught and tortured was a b*tch move. Seriously. I know i don't like Jyharri, but it was low. Real low.

    And Aeolus and Dimitros were friends at one point? and just how does a Johton Gym Leader connect them through her death?

    And with Sydnie now entirely aware of Jyharri's alignment, what will become of the two's friendship?

    Just one niggling error that occurred a few times: when writing one's words, don't forget a comma after (if it's the first word mentioned) or before and after (if not) the one who's been spoken to's name. An example:

    “What do you want, Doris?” Aeolus asked.
    it helps show the speaker making a pause as he speaks. that's what a comma does.

    Other than that, it was interesting, not to mention fast-paced. a bit too fast paced when you recounted the two weeks between Jyharri's first briefing and mission. Work on that, it'll help up your length.

    Keep it coming man!

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    Alrighty, my first real chapter review. First, some general comments:

    1) I felt it was really rushed, I mean we covered a span of two weeks in less than a paragraph. You could have expanded that into a section, showing us a cutscene of a few of Jyharri's missions. The rushed aura continued when we delt with Jyharri's mission into the Black Organization's Headquarters, as he was captured, tortured for a few seconds, then we had the beginning of the war. What you could have done was provided a plethora of background to the event, instead of this final battle just appearing out of nowhere.

    2) What really bothered me about this chapter is Jyharri, (and hell, Sydnie for that matter), and their blind acceptance of their respective sides. What I would have liked to see running up to this was the corruption of both, something you alluded too and attempted to do but could have articulated better. Something like Anikan Skywalker and his gradual descent to the darkside, but you know, something not expected and less cliched.

    3) One last negative-ish thing here is that description seemed to be lacking. What you did have was a bit of a list, as identified in this sample of Jyharri's torture:

    As Jyharri’s eyes widened, another shock traveled through his body, but this time it continued. Screams of agony filled the room, tears welling up in Sydnie’s eyes. Not being able to watch any longer, Sydnie turned away, not able to control her tears. Suddenly, the wall of the left side exploded. The six people in the room were pushed back, a circular figure floating into the room with another on top of it. The circular figure sprouted four legs before landing on the floor. As the smoke cleared the room, the figure on top of the machine like creature appeared to be Aeolus. Jumping off the silver creature, he pointed at the machine that held Jyharri. The golden X on the front of its face started to glow before another X flew off of it, destroying the machine. The shocks finally stopped as Jyharri started to fall forward. Aeolus caught Jyharri, pouring a liquid into his mouth.
    You see? You lump all the description of the event right here in this one paragraph. I like the imagery effect, don't get me wrong, but maybe try to space it out? Lengthen the scene, supplement quotations with description and vice versa.

    Now some story comments:

    Jyharri + Sydnie doesnt seem to be happening now. :[ In all seriousness, I like the fact that you have them pitted against each other, something that contrasts nicely with their friendship. The actuall climax is enthralling, I am exicted to read the remainder and was really dissapointed when the chapter ended. I found myself exclaiming "HE STOPPED THERE!?" I commend you on the ability to pull of a good cliffhanger. I do want to remind you not to loose the academy aspect of this completely, I'm beginning to miss it.

    Alexander is a douche bag. I love how you have the inate ability to make me hate your characters. Although Jyharri is beginning to grow on me, I can't help it.

    I'm very excited for the egg hatching and for the battle between Aeolus and Dimitrios, as well as the settlement of the obvious schism between Jyharri and Sydnie. Great chapter, just some things you should work on.

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    Cmon Man!!!!!!! Write the next dang chapter, once i received the pm that a new chatper was up, i came up here rushing faster then a deoxys speed forme mate, MAKE THE NEXT DANG CHAPTER. I want some Charizard Vs. Sceptile action here man!
    P.S.: AWESOME CHAPTER.
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    Loitar, don't rush him. he's writing as fast as he can and he just got one up, so just be patient.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow XD001 View Post
    Loitar, don't rush him. he's writing as fast as he can and he just got one up, so just be patient.
    Thanks Shadow :P And many thanks for all the reviews. I have planned out a prequel one-shot so I don't know if I want to work on that or release a new chapter first. I'll probably release the chapter first and then release the one-shot a few days later. The next two chapters take place over the course of one day. And to address your question from earlier Shadow, I have more chapter titles, but I've been too lazy to put them up :P I'll do that now
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    After a long hiatus I have brought you guys the next chapter. While working on this chapter I was forced to stop because of the confiscation of my laptop. The ideas I originally had were lost, but no worries as I filled them with new ideas. I hope they're better than the originals. Now enjoi the 24th chapter of Dedication Through Light and Darkness!




    Dedication Through Light and Darkness

    Chapter 24: From the Shadow! Sydnie’s Choice

    This is insane! I can’t kill anyone! None of these people have done anything wrong to me!

    After jumping through the hole, Jyharri began to run across the field towards the forest. The only thing he saw were the many flashing colors of battle next to him. The sun had moved to the middle of the sky, signaling the beginning of the afternoon. As he ran through the forest, a group of six Black Organization members formed a line a few dozen feet ahead of him. Skidding to a halt, Jyharri looked them all over, a scared expression written all over his face.

    “Look at the scared little boy,” one of them taunted.

    “This must be the first time he’s seen some action,” another said with a small laugh.

    “What do you guys say we take this baby down and bring his body to the boss?” said the one on the far left.

    Three of the six began to charge at Jyharri, knives in hand. In an attempt to move, Jyharri figured that he was too scared to do anything. His body tensed up, his mind went blank. Just before the Black Organization members reached him, an orange beam hit the group of three, blood splattering everywhere. The remaining three frantically searched through the area, trying to find who had fired the beam.

    Know pain, a voice said in the group’s ears.

    A large shadow appeared over the last three Black Organization members. Looking up, Jyharri saw that an enormous creature, silver and gray in color, dropped onto the Black Organization members, killing them instantly. The creature’s long, thick black tail shook the ground as it smacked against the earth. When two more Black Organization members charged the creature, it bent its head, impaling them with its horns. Blood exploded from their bodies, some of it hitting Jyharri in the face. Another Black Organization member jumped at the creature from a tree only to be batted away by its helmet like head. The member hit another tree, a loud snap echoing in Jyharri’s ears. Once the creature began to approach Jyharri he began to shiver.

    “There is no need to be afraid,” said a voice.

    From behind the creature, Alexander stepped out, his eyes shining bright white. Even though Alexander was there, Jyharri still shook in fear. Alexander pulled out a Pokéball, a red beam pulling the creature into the ball.

    “Aggron won’t hurt you,” Alexander told him, putting the ball away. “You can’t be freezing up here. If you freeze up you will die. Now, this is the last time I will save you. We have to get rid of the rest of the Black Organization scum.”

    The two males began to run back towards the battlefield, Alexander leading the way. As they departed another followed them quietly, just like a shadow.

    -------------------------------------------

    “Lucario, launch an Aura Sphere!”

    “Metagross block it with Iron Defense!”

    A jackal like creature, blue and black in color, placed his paws one over the other. A blue sphere began to form in between them. The silver Metagross began to glow blue as its legs retracted, its body beginning to float. Firing the sphere, the jackal known as Lucario dashed to the side. Just before the sphere connected, Metagross began to spin. The sphere bounced off its silver body, flying back at Lucario. The dual Fighting/Steel type stopped the sphere with his paws, the sphere disappearing almost immediately.

    “Looks like we are evenly matched,” said Aeolus.

    “Indeed old friend,” Dimitrios agreed with a smirk. “Maybe we should take the Pokémon out of the equation. Instead of trying to best each other with our skills in Pokémon battling we should try to best each other with our gun skills.”

    As he spoke the words, Dimitrios reached into his robes and drew a nine millimeter pistol. Aeolus began to laugh as Dimitrios aimed the gun at him. As if saying he was thinking the same thing, Aeolus drew the same pistol, save for the color. After recalling their Pokémon, Aeolus aimed his white revolver at Dimitrios while Dimitrios did the same with his black one.

    “This will end here,” Aeolus shouted. “If I cannot leave here alive, then you will join me in Hell!”

    A silence reigned over the two. Both men stood stock still, neither one wavering in the least. Holding his gun with both hands, Aeolus closed one eye, taking aim at Dimitrios’s heart. Dimitrios held his gun with his left hand, his right at his side. Happening in a flash, Dimitrios pulled the trigger on his gun, a loud bang sounding. Aeolus dove to his right, rolling on the ground. As soon as he got back to his feet, Aeolus pulled the trigger on his gun. Another loud bang sounded, a single bullet flying from the barrel and piercing Dimitrios right above his heart. A loud groan emitted from his mouth as he fell on his back, blood starting to pool beneath him. In about two seconds Dimitrios pointed the gun at Aeolus again, pulling the trigger once more. The bullet from Dimitrios’s gun hit Aeolus right below his heart, knocking him back as well.

    “Damn you,” Aeolus said, trying to stand. “Damn you Dimitrios!”

    “You hit my aorta,” Dimitrios groaned. “I’ll be dying soon, but if my aim is correct then I hit yours as well.”

    “Ha, yes you did,” Aeolus told him, falling onto his back again. “Looks like my goals have been shattered. I’ll be seeing you in Hell old friend.”

    After laughing a little, Aeolus’s laughter stopped. His body stopped moving as well. His heart slowed, stopping soon after. Dimitrios rolled onto his stomach, pain surging through his body. Slowly, he began to drag himself across the floor towards Aeolus’s corpse. As he reached him, a single tear streamed down Aeolus’s cheek. Once he saw this, Dimitrios began to weep, tears streaming down his face and onto the floor. Closing Aeolus’s eyes, Dimitrios rolled onto his back, his head next to his friend’s. Looking up at the ceiling, a light appeared in his eyes.

    I did it for you Jasmine, Dimitrios thought as he stared at the light. It’s over. Now you can rest in peace sister. Dimitrios closed his eyes as his heartbeat began to slow. I’m coming to join you sister, both you and Aeolus. No more fighting for us, right old friend?

    -------------------------------------------

    On the battlefield, Jyharri had been fending off many attackers, but failed to kill any. Hiding behind a tree, Jyharri panted heavily. He peered around the tall oak, looking to see if anyone was coming in his direction. A large shadow passed over him, another shadow appearing in front of him. With a loud thud, Mio landed a few feet in front of Jyharri, a gray flying creature landing next to him.

    “Mio,” Jyharri shouted. “What do you want?”

    The creature next to Mio spread its large wings, letting out a loud roar. As it closed its mouth, Jyharri saw the razor sharp teeth it possessed. The purple skin under his arms rested at its side while it swung its triangular tipped tail from side to side.

    “We do battle here,” Mio yelled. “Choose a Pokémon. Aerodactyl needs a challenge.”

    “You’ll regret it,” Jyharri said with a smirk, drawing a single Pokéball. “Glaceon, standby for battle!”

    Appearing in a burst of sparkles, Glaceon emerged from her Pokéball with several flips. She looked into Mio’s eyes, sensing his hostile nature. She looked at Jyharri confused.

    “This will be an excellent training exercise for Glaceon,” said Jyharri. “Glaceon hit that Aerodactyl with an Ice Beam!”

    Upon hearing the word training Glaceon smiled. A small blue orb appeared in Glaceon’s mouth. Three jagged beams shot off the orb, streaking towards Aerodactyl. The Fossil Pokémon flew straight up, dodging the beams.

    “Go for a Fire Fang,” commanded Mio.

    The razor sharp teeth of Aerodactyl became covered in flames as he dive bombed towards Glaceon. Just before Aerodactyl could latch onto Glaceon, the latter jumped onto the former’s back.

    “Now fire another Ice Beam,” said Jyharri.

    Just like before, a blue orb formed in Glaceon’s mouth before three jagged beams shot off of it. The three beams hit Aerodactyl in the back, freezing a part of it. Aerodactyl let out a screech of pain, the screech echoing through the forest.

    “Follow up with a Blizzard,” ordered Jyharri.

    Jumping off Aerodactyl, Glaceon spun around in the air. Opening her mouth once more, an icy breeze shot out, filled with many snowballs. The wind and snowballs hit Aerodactyl in the back, pushing him to the ground.

    “Aerodactyl,” Mio cried.

    “Looks like Aerodactyl can’t cut it,” Jyharri said tauntingly. “I’ll let Aerodactyl off this time, but confront me again and I won’t hold back.”

    Jyharri recalled Glaceon before turning his back to Mio. He began to walk away, his hands in his pockets, when Mio recalled Aerodactyl. Mio clenched the Pokéball, his teeth gritted.

    “How could you?!” shouted Mio. Jyharri stopped, his head slightly turned to the side. “How could you join them? Sydnie couldn’t believe it when I told her that you were a lost cause. You’ve betrayed Sydnie, me, and everyone else!”

    “This is something I must do,” Jyharri said quietly. “I must do this for the world to know my name!”

    “Fame is what you want?!” Mio asked bewildered. “There’s no way you guys will succeed.” Suddenly a small flame ignited in Jyharri. Those words had come back. “You guys can’t win.”

    “Shut up,” whispered Jyharri.

    “The Black Organization will triumph,” continued Mio. “This war is unwinnable for your side.”

    “Shut up!” yelled Jyharri.

    Anger had filled Jyharri to the top, completely exploding out of him. He quickly looked at Mio, his right eye becoming red. A black energy shot out, hitting Mio in the gut. The energy pushed him back, slamming him into a tree. After sliding down the tree, Mio became limp, none of his muscles moving. Jyharri looked at his shaking hands. The heat that emanated off him had turned black. After taking one last look at Mio, Jyharri fled even deeper into the forest. Jumping out from the shadow, Sydnie ran over to Mio.

    “Mio,” she whispered as she confirmed he was just knocked out. “You should have known you didn’t stand a chance. Dimitrios was right; I’m the only one who can stop him.”

    Sydnie ran in the direction Jyharri headed in, a worried look on her face. The war had been going on for many hours. The casualties on both sides were great. There weren’t many people left on the battlefield. The sun had moved from the middle of the sky to the horizon, just about to dip down behind the mountains in the distance. The sky had turned a shade of orange, the clouds now a shade of pink. Sydnie was leaning against a tree, catching her breath. She jumped out from behind the tree to see Jyharri sitting against a tree, his eyes closed. At first she thought he was dead, but she saw his chest expand and then fall. As Sydnie watched him, she remembered what Jyharri had told her about his life.

    I don’t have any parents,” he had said. “The only family I have left is my brother and I don’t even know where he is right now.” She looked down at the ground, a sad expression on her face. “My only dream right now is to become a renowned trainer. The only way I can do that is beat everyone who challenges me. To do that I need to get better than I am right now.”

    “Don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?” whispered Sydnie. “You’re going about it the wrong way.”

    Inside Jyharri’s mind, images of the woman from his dreams appeared and slowly disappeared. She seemed so familiar, but Jyharri was sure he had never met her in his life. On top of that she had a striking resemblance to Sydnie. Was there something connecting the three? Sydnie slowly approached Jyharri, pulling a knife out of a small pouch on her leg. As she neared him, she held up the knife, her hands shaking uncontrollably. A tear streaked down her face as her nose started to run. Once she was a few feet from Jyharri she saw that his face was relaxed. It was the first time she had seen him so peaceful.

    “You’re always so serious,” commented Sydnie. “Maybe this will ease your pain; rest in peace friend.”

    Sydnie looked away as she brought the knife down. Out of nowhere, a pressure hit her in the gut, pushing her a few feet back. The knife was knocked out of her hand, landing a few yards behind Sydnie. Slowly, Jyharri stood, not looking at Sydnie.

    “I never thought you would have that killer instinct,” Jyharri quietly said, his hair covering his face. “Trying to kill me is a mistake. It doesn’t matter what you try, I can repel your attack as if it were nothing. The downside is I can only use this power every so often. I don’t know how I got this, but it has benefited me.”

    “Jyharri, you can’t believe what they say,” Sydnie said as she pushed herself onto her hands. “They’re lying to you! Team Lustrous wants to rid the world of anyone who doesn’t agree with their ways!”

    “It may be a lie,” Jyharri said, “but if it means my name will become known then so be it. If you disagree then I will not be responsible for what happens to you.”

    Sydnie stood, more tears streaming down her face. “I remember the first day we met.” Jyharri looked up at Sydnie, his eyes widened. “The way you battled was superb. You were one of the best battlers I’ve seen. Then you met up with Aeolus. Your style became even more aggressive than usual. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t you and that you would come back to your sense eventually, but I guess I was wrong.”

    Jyharri looked down to the brown dirt. He too remembered the day he met Sydnie. That was the day he acknowledged someone as a friend. Suddenly, a man appeared in between the two. It was Alexander. Sydnie slowly backed up as he appeared. Once he was face to face with Jyharri, he collapsed onto him.

    “What’s wrong Alexander?” Jyharri asked bewildered.

    Looking at his back he saw that it was covered in burns. “It was that ******* with the Infernape. We went head to head, toe to toe. Neither one of us could gain the upper hand. The minute I changed my strategy up one of his cronies decided to distract me. That’s when he gave me these burns.” Alexander let out a loud groan of pain before sliding down to Jyharri’s knees. “After killing his crony I snapped his neck like a twig.”

    “Felix,” whimpered Sydnie. “No, no way. This can’t be happening.”

    “You have to tell Aeolus that I must speak to him,” Jyharri said. “Somehow I’ve gained a new power.”

    “Looks like you won’t get that talk,” Alexander said, pulling himself up on Jyharri’s robes. “Aeolus is dead, same with the Black Organization leader.”

    Both Jyharri and Sydnie let out a gasp. Sydnie began to cry once more as Jyharri turned away. Alexander limped over to a tree, leaning against it.

    “How do you know this?” questioned Jyharri, still not facing Alexander.

    “I felt his aura disappear,” explained Alexander. “It disappeared a few minutes before Dimitrios’s. On top of that, all of the grunts fled. There are not many people left and I’m slowly fading myself.” Alexander slowly slid down the tree, his eyes not blinking.

    Jyharri put a finger to his neck, feeling his pulse beginning to slow. Alexander slowly turned his neck to Jyharri. For the first time Alexander gave him a smile.

    “You’re our only hope,” Alexander told him. “If you take her down then you’ll have no problem with the others. Do what Aeolus wanted and rid the world of the Black Organization scum.”

    Alexander’s head fell to his chest, his pulse stopping completely. Jyharri looked back at Sydnie, his eyes yellow. Sydnie wiped the tears off her face, trying to seem brave.

    “Looks like we’re the only ones left,” said Jyharri, pulling out a Pokéball.

    “We can avoid this unnecessary violence,” Sydnie whimpered, trying to convince Jyharri to put his Pokéball away. “We can just forget this whole Black Organization and Team Lustrous thing and just go to school.”

    “There’s no way around it,” Jyharri told her. “I feel as though this was destined to happen. Don’t you find it weird that you join the organization opposite to the faction I joined? Don’t you find it strange that my first mission was to follow you to Hoenn and spy on you?”

    So that wasn’t a dream, Sydnie thought. He really was there. Not only that but we had the same first mission. He was to spy on me while I was to spy on him.

    “This is where it ends,” Jyharri shouted. “This is where we do battle!”
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    oh my god. best thing ever. but i swear to god. NOO I MISS ALEXANDER. T.T but oh my god, curse you and your cliff hangers. T.T *random useless tidbit over*
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  18. #193
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    I beat Air Dragon again!

    Well, not much to say that I havent already said about previous chapters. But I think I'll try to highlight the key points:

    1) Jyharri-Stu seems really out of character. In the span of 24 chapters he is a rookie trainer at the academy, innocent, your average-joe type of guy who becomes this twisted, evil, almost killer. And this transition wasn't slow or soft, it was abrupt. I guess that was my main problem, Jyharri and Sydnie seemed out of character in this war. If length of the chapters was increased and aspects of their respective falls were played up a little bit more, (instead of in the previous 6 or so chapters) this would have been fixed.

    2) Again with length and description- these two go hand in hand. You must master description especially if you're going to detail a battle scene! Take this for example:

    After jumping through the hole, Jyharri began to run across the field towards the forest. The only thing he saw were the many flashing colors of battle next to him. The sun had moved to the middle of the sky, signaling the beginning of the afternoon. As he ran through the forest, a group of six Black Organization members formed a line a few dozen feet ahead of him. Skidding to a halt, Jyharri looked them all over, a scared expression written all over his face.
    It could have been expanded immensly. For one, the guns, machines, or pokemon could have been shown to us in depth.What about the smells, sights, and sounds of the battle? The battle lines? Bullets shooting by? The scared look on the faces of the soldiers? What about Jyharri? Besides his reluctance to kill, we know nothing of how he feels about the battle.

    Those were my main issues. It was quite short for a climax chapter, something that could be fixed if you describe more and include more plot/action. The plot itself is very interesting, I find myself on the edge of my seat, curious as to how this could possibly end. Just work on the execution.

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    Wink Only 'cause I let you, Manaphyman! :P

    Well, I am rowing older and my net more suckier (that's not really a word) so it may be time to hand over the mantle of "fastest reviewer" to another... grasshoppa. XD

    On to the chappie. Can't say much more than MM's already said. You need to space your description out more. Link it with action and surroundings eg:

    The small quadruped alighted from the orange-sized orb upon dainty paws that took a a somewhat deep blue hue once the blinding light died down. The breeze fluttering through the air whispered through its fine sky blue body fur and large diamond-shaped ears. The acrid sell of spilt liquid life/blood assailed its small nose as it wrinkled it up in distaste over her master's choice of battle scene. But that was what this was; merely another battle. And if there was one thing Glaceon was known for among her teammates (she thought to herself as a small smirk escaped its feline face) it was giving her all in a battle and putting on a show whilst at it.
    Something like that. You could intersperse the description with lines from the other people on the field (Don't do this, Jyharri. Hasn't enough blood been spilt?!" "I wouldn't know about that, Sydnie. After all, you tried to kill me first," Jyharri replied tonelessly. "This isn;t you, Jyharri Ahmed! This isn't you!" Sydnie half yelled, her voice racked with sobs. "How would you know?" Jyharri shot back softly, his yellow eyes fixing his friend in a deadpan stare that carried a very palpable hint of danger.)

    One more thing MM forgot:

    “Aerodactyl,” Mio cried.
    There's no heat in Mio's words here. It looks like a mere statement. No emotion. An exclamation mark would make a world of difference here and add some more intesity o the etnire battle scene.

    Don't forget, punctuation's important too.

    K, gotta juice! Got a meet later today and a chapter to finish (hopefully) I've spent enough time on my butt, time to kick it into gear!

    L@er!
    The Corei Quest's latest chapter: Chapter Forty Seven: Tricks of the Trade (24 April 2014)
    PROJECT C-SQUARE STATUS = 100.00% Complete (11-12-2010, ca. 2:40pm GMT)
    HEART OF SEVEN STONES IS ON INDEFINITE HIATUS (REAPED) UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
    Butt-ugly Banner by Me
    (Still waiting on the excellent Saffire Persian for another awesome TCQ banner!)

  20. #195
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    Hey there readers. Sorry for the delay of this chapter. I've been grounded off and on for the past few months and my laptop has been taken away on some of those occasions. Nevertheless I have finally finished it! The length is somewhat short, but I blame that on my grandmother for confiscating my laptop when I get a great idea. Hopefully the quality will make up for the quantity. ^^" Anyways, I've thrown something in at the end for you people who don't listen to me. I'm not even going to mention what it is. Read and you'll find out. Enjoi!

    Dedication Through Light and Darkness

    Chapter 25: Falling from the Light…

    Sydnie’s hand shakily reached for one of her Pokéballs, Milotic’s being the first one she touched. As she stared into Jyharri’s yellow eyes she remembered the first day they met. So much had changed over the several months they had known each other. A small bead of sweat trickled down Sydnie’s arm, dropping off and splashing onto the Pokéball.

    “Hurry up and choose your Pokémon!” shouted Jyharri, lowering his Pokéball.

    At the sound of his yelling, Sydnie flinched, a small whimper emitting from her mouth. Another storm of tears began to cover her face. Just before she could take out the ball, a figure in all black emerged from the brush, skidding to a halt in front of Sydnie.

    “Damien,” said Sydnie surprised. “What are you doing here? I heard everyone was dead.”

    “Kelly and I fended off some Lustrous grunts,” Damien told her. “There was hardly any challenge in it.”

    “You there,” Jyharri yelled. “Get out of here! This is between Sydnie and me!”

    Damien chuckled. He pulled out a Pokéball, enlarging it. “You are Jyharri Ahmed aren’t you?”

    “What’s it to you?” asked Jyharri, his tone showing that he was becoming agitated.

    “Around a decade ago a house was set ablaze,” Damien started. “This house was home to a family of four. Everyone in the house perished, all but one.”

    “What does this have to do with me?” Jyharri asked as he crossed his arms.

    Damien chuckled as he slowly approached Jyharri. Damien’s eyes slowly turned red as he looked into Jyharri’s yellow ones. “The one that survived was me and I saw the person who killed my family. It was a man using a Charizard. I’ve done my research on you and I heard your father was a trainer of Charizards.”

    “I never even knew my father,” shouted Jyharri. “I still don’t see what this has to do with me.”

    “I happen to hold a grudge against all trainers with a Charizard so it’s not just you,” Damien explained, his eyes still staring deeply into Jyharri’s. “We will do battle here. Sydnie, you get out of here. Find Kelly and she’ll show you to a safe spot.”

    “But Damien,” whimpered Sydnie, “you don’t know Jyharri like I do. He will continue to attack your Pokémon even when they are almost finished. Even Dimitrios said I’m the only one who can stop him.”

    “Well Dimitrios is dead now,” Damien shouted. “You need to get to safety! Gardevoir and I can handle this!”

    “I won’t let you fight him alone!” Sydnie shouted back.

    “Fine then,” Damien gave in. “It’ll be overkill, but we’ll do this together! Gardevoir, time to fight!”

    “Milotic, let’s show them true beauty!” Sydnie yelled as she threw her own Pokéball.

    Jyharri began to laugh as both of the Pokémon appeared. His laughter soon changed to one filled with malice. “Two on one huh? Let’s see if my training has paid off. Charizard standby for battle!”

    Charizard emerged from his Pokéball airborne, letting out a loud roar. Once he landed, Charizard looked from Milotic to Gardevoir. He turned to Jyharri as if he was asking what they were doing.

    “It’s a handicap,” Jyharri explained to his Pokémon. “It’s time to test ourselves. Start it off with a Flamethrower at Gardevoir then use Wing Attack on Milotic!”

    Charizard nodded and pushed himself into the air. A stream of flames shot out of the Fire type’s mouth, heading straight for the Psychic type. Gardevoir placed her hands in front of her, the flames stopping. A faint blue aura surrounded the flames while Gardevoir’s eyes shined the same blue color. Not stopping in the least, Charizard’s wings began to glow as he headed for Milotic. The snake-like creature gracefully maneuvered around Charizard.

    “Restrain him Milotic!” Sydnie called.

    Milotic slithered behind Charizard, quickly wrapping her body all around Charizard’s. The lower half of the Water Pokémon coiled around Charizard’s torso while the upper half restricted the movement of his arms.

    “Go Gardevoir, just as we planned,” yelled Damien.

    Gardevoir squeezed her hands, the flames disappearing. Dashing straight for Charizard she held her hand out. Just as it did when the flames neared Gardevoir, a faint blue aura appeared around Jyharri. His body began to lift off the ground as Gardevoir raised her hand. Sydnie looked from Jyharri to Damien, a shocked look on her face.

    “What are you doing?!” she asked bewildered.

    “I’m eliminating the threat,” Damien said bluntly. “He needs to be finished once and for all. For Dimitrios, for the Black Organization, for my family! Gardevoir use Fire Punch on him!”

    Slowly Jyharri began to descend as Gardevoir’s fist became surrounded in flames. Charizard began to struggle, the sight of his trainer in danger putting him in a rage. Milotic’s bind tightened the more Charizard resisted. Unable to keep the raging beast under control, Milotic fell to the ground as Charizard flew at Gardevoir, low to the ground. A smile drew itself across Jyharri’s face as he saw his Pokémon freed himself.

    “Hit Gardevoir with Flare Blitz,” Jyharri yelled

    As Charizard rocketed at Gardevoir his entire body became engulfed in flames. Gardevoir turned her attention to Charizard, the blue aura disappearing from Jyharri. The trainer began to fall even faster, hitting the ground from about five feet up.

    “Throw the punch now Gardevoir,” commanded Damien when Charizard was a few feet away from Gardevoir.

    The Psychic type threw her flame covered fist at the burning Pokémon. Much to their surprise, before her fist could connect the flames disappeared from Charizard. The dual Fire/Flying type caught the punch. The flames from Gardevoir’s fist disappear immediately.

    “Go Milotic,” Sydnie cried.

    Milotic quickly slithered towards Charizard, the latter tossing Gardevoir high into the air.

    “Knock Milotic away with your tail,” shouted Jyharri.

    Doing a quick spin, Charizard’s thick tail hit Milotic in the face, knocking her into a tree. The Water type crashed through the tree before hitting another. Milotic’s body slid to the base of the tree, not moving a muscle.

    “Now hit Gardevoir with Flamethrower,” said Jyharri as he pointed to the falling Gardevoir.

    Charizard shook his head as he smiled. He held up his claw as it began to turn light green. Charizard used his short legs to push himself into the air, small cracks left in the ground from where he pushed up.

    “Gardevoir,” called Damien, “try to use Psychic!”

    By the time Gardevoir heard her trainer it was too late. Charizard slashed her across the torso, sending her flying through trees. The Psychic type hit the ground with a hard THUD, her eyes opening as wide as they can go. The pupils slowly disappeared as her eyes rolled back into her head. A red beam hit Gardevoir before sucking her back into the red and white sphere.

    “Looks like Dimitrios was right,” said Damien, his face showing a look of agitation. “You’re the only one who can beat him Sydnie. Take him down!”

    Tears welled up in Sydnie’s eyes as she stared into Jyharri’s yellow ones. Jyharri looked Sydnie over, noticing that her body heat had changed color once more, this time into a bright white. He looked at his hands and torso noticing that his was dark black.

    How cliché, Jyharri thought. She is the light and I am the darkness. This is indeed the final battle. The outcome of this battle decides the outcome of the war.

    “I can’t do it,” Sydnie said between sobs as the tears streamed down her face. “Jyharri, don’t you see that this whole thing is pointless? Why can’t we just go back to the way things were before?”

    “It’s not as simple as that Sydnie,” said Jyharri quietly. “My sins cannot be forgiven that easily. I have embraced the darkness and become it as you have with the light. This will be our final battle. Now come!”

    Sydnie wiped her face, trying to become courageous. Milotic appeared beside Sydnie and nodded. Both understood the stakes and knew they couldn’t lose. Charizard landed in front of Jyharri, giving him a smile. Milotic launched herself forward as Charizard flew straight ahead. The Fire Pokémon slashed at Milotic, narrowly missing her head. Milotic whipped Charizard in the gut with the fins at the end of her tail, sending him into a tree. After regaining composure, Charizard shook himself off, charging back at Milotic. The snake like creature fired a jet of water from her mouth, the water narrowly missing the Fire type. Both of Charizard’s claws began to glow as he held them up. When he slashed at Milotic with the first she had jumped over him, dodging his attack, just like he wanted her to. Before Milotic could land on the other side, Charizard’s claw met her back, dealing a good amount of damage.

    “Please stop,” cried Sydnie, her face drenched with tears. “This battle is pointless! What is this going to prove?”

    “When I win, the world will know my power,” Jyharri replied. “They will know the power of Team Lustrous! Charizard hit Milotic with Wing Attack!”

    “Milotic you’ve got to dodge it,” Sydnie pleaded. “The only way we can get him back is by beating him!”

    Jumping into the air, Charizard’s wings began to glow. As he began to fly at Milotic, Milotic curved her body, waiting for him to get near. Just before contact, Milotic wrapped her body around Charizard’s, binding his body once more.

    “Charizard, use Flare Blitz!” yelled Jyharri.

    When Milotic heard the command, she tried to release Charizard in an attempt to dodge, but the flames that exited Charizard’s body shot out. Even though Milotic was a Water type the attack had dealt a good amount of damage, leaving Milotic with a few burn marks.

    “Heal with Aqua Ring,” cried Sydnie.

    Three rings of water appeared around Milotic as she jumped into the air. Slowly the burn marks began to vanish. Landing gracefully, Milotic looked as if she hadn’t taken any damage at all. Charizard expelled flames from his nose showing that he was ready. Milotic stared Charizard down, her red eyes looking him over.

    “Quick, use Hydro Pump,” shouted Sydnie.

    Slithering forward, Milotic shot a large jet of water from her mouth. Instead of trying to dodge, Charizard simply blocked it with his wing, still taking a lot of damage.

    Charizard couldn’t dodge, thought Jyharri. That Flare Blitz took a lot out of him. Blocking it was the best he could do. Jyharri’s yellow eyes traveled over to Milotic, seeing that she was breathing heavily. Looks like Milotic is worn out too. Even though she used Aqua Ring Milotic is still just about out of energy.

    This is it, Sydnie thought. These next attacks will be our last. I’ve got to win this! I can win this! I will win this!

    Wiping the tears off her face, Sydnie took the courage she had just found and showed it in her expression; a large confident smirk. Jyharri noticed her smile and flashed his own. They both knew the consequences of losing and the rewards of winning; eternal glory for the winner and shame for the loser.

    “Charizard,” Jyharri called.

    “Milotic,” Sydnie said.

    “IRON TAIL!” they yelled in unison.

    Both trainers showed a look of surprise as they called out the same attack. The Pokémon jumped into the air towards each other, both of their tails glowing. Letting out a roar Charizard swung his tail downwards, hitting Milotic in the side. Enduring the hit, Milotic swung her tail around, smacking Charizard in the face. The latter Pokémon fell backwards, crashing to the ground belly up. Milotic landed with her head bent low, breaths deep and heavy. The looks on the trainer’s faces were the same once more; shocked. Jyharri ran over to Charizard, a small tear in his eye while Sydnie ran to Milotic’s side.

    “Charizard!” cried Jyharri, kneeling beside his starter. He picked up Charizard’s head carefully, a small tear falling out his eye. “I’m sorry for not being able to make us win.”

    Opening his mouth, Charizard whispered to Jyharri, <No matter what, you’re my best friend.>

    Pulling out Charizard’s Pokéball, Jyharri recalled him, a sudden pressure on his shoulder. Turning swiftly, he saw Sydnie behind him, tears falling from her face, but a smile on her face. His eyes widening, Jyharri looked into Sydnie’s, tears starting to form around his own. Knocking her hand off, he stood, wiping his face instantly.

    “Jyharri, look at me,” Sydnie cried.

    Hesitant at first, Jyharri turned and looked at Sydnie, his yellow eyes once again focusing on her brown eyes. Slowly, they changed from brown to a light white. Somewhat transfixed, memories of Sydnie began to flood into him.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    As she walked off Jyharri smirked. “Maybe you’ll be good enough to be my rival.”

    Sydnie stopped and turned her head sideways, her dirty blonde hair covering half of her face. She smiled. “Maybe you’ll be good enough to be MY rival.” As Sydnie turned her head she started to walk into the interior of the boat. Jyharri smirked as she disappeared into the boat.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    “Are you ready for a great year Sydnie?” Jyharri asked her.

    “I am, as long as you are.”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Suddenly the tears began to flow from his eyes, the color of them slowly changing back to green. Clutching the top left part of his face, Jyharri began to scream in agony. Somehow the memories stimulated something in the left part of his brain. Once the pain subsided, his left eye remained yellow. Surveying the area, he saw Sydnie’s white aura and Damien’s bright green.

    This is not their body heat, observed Jyharri, breathing heavily. What is it? The shape is different and for Damien the color is as well.

    Out the corner of his eye, Jyharri caught a glimpse of dark purple. Turning quickly, he saw nothing was there. The color remained in the spot it had been in, but nobody had been there. Seemingly out of nowhere a woman appeared, a Pokéball in hand and a blue creature sitting next to her.

    “Doris,” snarled Jyharri, his breath still heavy. “What do you want?”

    “I came to deliver your Pokémon,” replied Doris playfully. “Take it.”

    As she tossed the Pokéball to Jyharri, she quickly appeared beside him. The blue creature lazily walked over on all fours, its mermaid like tail wagging back and forth as it walked. The ear like fins on its head twitched as Jyharri caught the ball.

    “I take it you got here with the help of your Vaporeon,” Jyharri guessed.

    “Vaporeon’s ability to melt into water molecules is very useful,” Doris indirectly answered.

    Damien took a step forward, a scowl covering his face. Sydnie put her hand in front of him, stopping him from approaching Doris. She gave him a look that reminded him that he had no Pokémon left.

    “I’ve also come to inform you that since both Aeolus and Alexander have died that I am the leader,” explained Doris.

    “What does this have to do with me?” Jyharri asked coldly.

    “I intend on making you second in command,” Doris said with a smile. “I was watching you battle and I like it. I need someone like you as my right hand man. Just tell me when you’re ready to leave.”

    “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to refuse,” Jyharri told her. Turning away from her he gripped the Pokéball she tossed him tightly.

    “Excuse me?” she asked in disbelief. “You refuse?”

    Jyharri looked at Sydnie once more. She bore a serious look that was uncommon with her usually cheerful or sad demeanor. Just as he had a few minutes ago, more memories of Sydnie began to appear in his mind. The first time they met, their first battle, their battle in the school tournament. With the memories, sorrow had also started to flow in. He had caused her pain, both physical and emotional.

    “I’m not going to join you,” Jyharri repeated himself as he put the Pokéball away. “I’m retiring from Team Lustrous.”

    “Such a shame,” said Doris. “I hate seeing talent like you go to waste. Where are you going to go? The Black Organization is dead.”

    “I’m going back to school,” Jyharri said as he began to walk away. “If my friends will accept me back then I will be at peace.”

    Tears still rolling down her face, Sydnie nodded. A small huff came from Doris’s mouth as she charged at Jyharri, her eyes changing to a dark blue. Turning his head slightly, Jyharri glared at her, his right eye red. Crossing her arms, Doris was pushed back to her Vaporeon.

    “Tch! I’ll bring you back Jyharri,” Doris said as she put her hand onto Vaporeon’s head. Slowly, they both turned blue and began to disappear. “You’ll come back to the light!”

    Jyharri smirked as the new Team Lustrous boss vanished into thin air. Sydnie ran up to him, throwing her arms around his neck. Surprised, Jyharri hesitantly wrapped his arms around her waist. Damien stood still, watching the two friends embrace.

    “I’m sorry Sydnie,” Jyharri whispered to her.

    “You don’t need to apologize,” Sydnie whispered back. “I should be the one who is sorry. I should have saved you earlier.”

    Slightly breaking apart, the two trainers looked into each other’s eyes once again, both of their eyes their original colors. Jyharri looked over Sydnie’s face, taking it in for the first time. Remembering the dreams he had, the first thing to come to his mind was the woman. They truly looked similar.

    “Sydnie, I hav-” Jyharri began, but Sydnie put a finger to his lips.

    Withdrawing her finger, she placed her hand back around his neck. She closed her eyes, her face drawing near his. Suddenly Jyharri’s heart began to race just as it had when Jessica did the same thing. He knew what was coming next, but this time he didn’t hesitate. Closing his eyes, Jyharri slowly moved towards Sydnie. When their lips touched it was as if a sudden brightness filled Sydnie. The warmth it brought, the feeling of happiness that filled her body, and the sensation she felt. In Jyharri he felt a sinking feeling, but it seemed happy. He could only feel the darkness and the cold it offered.

    They’re crying, Damien observed in his mind. When people kiss isn’t it supposed to be a happy occasion?

    Once their lips finally broke apart they both smiled at each other, their foreheads against one another.

    “Jyharri, you’re my best friend and I don’t ever want to lose you again,” Sydnie said as she sniffled.

    “Heh heh,” Jyharri chuckled. “You won’t have to worry about that. I’ve fallen from the light…”
    --------------------------------------

    I know, I'm mean That was for the shippers, but that's about as far as it goes. You know the drill! Hit me with what you got!
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  21. #196
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    Wow. Great chapter, great ending. I kinda thought Jyharri would win, then try to kill Sydnie, then stop and they would go back to school... but this was amazing.

  22. #197
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    Just realised... The new games, Black + White... Nintendo haven't been reading your fan fic have they? Team Lustrous, Black Organization, it all makes sense.

  23. #198
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    Hello there! I chose a random story to write a review for and yours happened to be the one. Now, I've noticed that you have quite a few chapters, so I'll just have a look at the first couple and then give my reaction. Obviously I'm not going to review everything.

    ~

    Pokemon are very mysterious creatures. They come in all different shapes, sizes, and colors. Each one comes with its own set of unique powers, some that aren’t known yet. Humans have learned to coexist with Pokemon; some have not. There are humans who are afraid of Pokemon and some who use them to get what they want. Some humans, called Pokemon trainers catch Pokemon and pit their creatures against another trainer’s in a battle. Other show off their super powered pals in a contest; these people are called Pokemon Coordinators. To become one of these trainers, one usually goes to a trainer’s school. To get into a trainer’s school, a person must pass the entrance exam or impress the school administration enough that they let them in.
    You don't really have to explain to us what pokémon are. I know this happens in the games, but that's because they're trying to cater to people who might never have heard of a pokémon before. Chances are that if you're on a pokémon forum that you know what they are. So, really, that introduction on what they are and do isn't necessary.

    Second, and this is really the problem I have with the entire premise of the story, is that going to this pokémon school seems like a huge waste of time. I mean, you have characters who've obviously worked with their pokémon - as they're capable enough to defeat these 'proctors' - and yet they still go to this school? If they already have pokémon and they're training them, then they are already trainers and they really wouldn't have to go to such a school.

    Why would you spend time at a school when you could go and be an actual trainer right away? A lot of trainers do this, so it's not like you need the information to be a good trainer. It doesn't make much sense to me. I could understand it being some sort of choice course that someone can take, but use it as entrance exams to becoming a trainer and then expecting them to spend years there doesn't make much sense to me.

    Also, I would say 'pokémon', not 'Pokémon', but that's the whole capitalization versus non-capitalization shtick again. XD

    The boy stood up, looking around. His black over shirt complimented the red undershirt he was wearing. His black jeans seemed to be almost very tight, pressing against his legs. As Jyharri walked towards the field his red sneakers squeaked against the tile floors.
    I tend to say this a lot, but it remains true. We don't need to know what colour t-shirt your character is wearing. Unless it's very vital that his t-shirt is a different colour compared to the others, it's not important. Don't info-dump information on us. Gradually explain things whenever they are relevant. His t-shirt gets snagged in a tree-branch? You can mention its colour. The wind is whipping his hair about? Mention that. Don't feel like you have to tell us everything about the character from the get-go.

    “Yeah, I am,” Jyharri replied.
    When there's a pause you get a comma. I haven't been focusing on grammar and punctuation yet, but this is a mistake you make a lot. Same goes for things ending in 'then' or 'though', or whatever.

    Also, I'm getting a distinct Yu-Gi-OH GX - or whatever that series was called - vibe from the whole 'battle a proctor in an arena' thing.

    “My name’s Brandon, by the way.” The boy held out his hand.
    'Held' is not a speech verb, so you don't get a comma and lowercased word there. Only with speech verbs such as 'said' and 'whispered' does that happen, not with verbs that aren't connected at all to the spoken sentence. You can't 'hold' a sentence 'out', after all, so you get a period and capital. Same goes for other such verbs, such as 'stood' or 'waved'.

    The proctor there wore a blue blazer that stopped at the feet. As Jyharri walked closer, he noticed the proctor was a female. Her black hair covered her face, save for her left eye. Jyharri’s hair parted above his forehead, coming down to his cheeks. As the young boy approached the proctor, she turned around.
    This really isn't relevant. The only relevant bit is that she's a woman. Even then, him realizing she's a woman after he noticed her blazer stopped at her feet seems rather odd. I usually notice people's gender before I check out what they're wearing.

    And, again, all the clothing and hair-style information really isn't necessary.

    “You’re eager, aren’t you?” she asked, chuckling a little.
    If there's a pause, there's a comma. I'm not going to do this for all of them, so I hope you can pick out the mistakes yourself from here.

    As the ball reached its maximum height, it opened, shooting out a white light.
    There really isn't a 'maximum height' for that ball to be thrown. It all depends on a person's strength. Plus, its maximum height sounds more like the ball's actual height, which isn't very tall at all. : P

    “A loudred, huh,” Jyharri said as he chuckled.
    I'd say 'loudred', but... *whistles and walks off*

    “Okay, trainer,” the proctor yelled.
    When used in writing it's 'okay'. Also, there's a comma before 'trainer' because it's a case of direct address. Direct address happens when you're directly addressing a specific someone by using some sort of name or designation. In this case, it's 'trainer'.

    Other examples include, but aren't limited to, the following:

    "Hey, Amy!"

    "What are you doing, kid?"

    "Joy, what are you doing?

    Zangoose smiled and crossed his claws over his head. As Jyharri thought, Loudred landed on Zangoose’s claws, no damage done to Zangoose.

    “Throw it,” Jyharri said as he pointed towards the roof.

    Zangoose pushed Loudred back into the air, higher than before.
    So, basically, the loudred landed on the zangoose's claws, balanced just right so it wouldn't fall off, neglected to then jump off on its own, and as a result was thrown into the air? Okay.

    The Cat Ferret Pokemon jumped into the air, his left claw surrounded by what looked like electricity. The claw turned different shades of purple and pink as Zangoose flew through the air. When Zangoose and Loudred were on the same level, Zangoose brought his claw down onto Loudred’s head, knocking him into the ground.
    So why does a trainer who owns a zangoose with thunderpunch - which must have been taught to it, because it's a tutor move, and thus implies extensive training - need to go to some school? If that even was thunderpunch, because the description isn't clear.

    Jyharri smiled as his Pokemon slammed into the proctor's, bashing and beating it with his claws. As Zangoose jumped back, Jyharri gave it a “good job” pat on the head.
    Proctor's, otherwise he's actually slamming into several proctors standing there. It's a possessive because it's referring to the proctor's pokémon.

    You pat someone on the head, or give them a pat on the head, whereas 'pet' is used to say 'he's petting someone' or 'that's his pet'.

    I do have to wonder why the loudred or its trainer allowed the zangoose to do all that without interfering somehow. The loudred knows moves such as uproar and howl, so surely it could have distracted the zangoose enough to kick it out of balance? Or maybe it could have bitten it/

    It had brown fur, a bushy tail that had a cream-colored tip, and a furry collar that was also cream-colored.
    If you start out your story - and especially sentence - in the past tense, then you should stick to it. 'Had' is past, but 'has' and 'is' not.

    “Eevee, stand by!” Jyharri shouted, tossing his own Pokeball.
    Here you use direct address correctly, but then...

    “Eevee use Quick Attack!” Jyharri told the small Normal type.
    Here you don't. Why is that? It needs a comma after 'eevee'.

    The Normal Pokemon was lucky his trainer had a quick mind. Eevee barely managed to stop right before Kricketune’s sharp arms.
    Not only are you giving props to your character without it being necessary, but you're also making your eevee come across as an idiot. She didn't realize that running into scythes would hurt?

    Don't tell us your character is awesome. It just comes across as self-glorifying, which is never fun. Show us, don't tell us. You could have easily left that bit out and we'd have still gotten the idea that the eevee's trainer did something important.

    Eevee looked up at Kricketune, a mad look on her face. Kricketune smiled as he swatted Eevee back to Jyharri.
    Ehm, swatting implies touch, though barely. I don't think being swatted by knives is going to be a very good thing.

    Eevee jumped back to her feet and opened his mouth wide.
    ???

    The ball was launched from Eevee’s mouth and flew towards Kricketune. Kricketune tried to scuttle out of the way, but the attack was too fast for the bug type.
    Wait, wait, wait. So the kricketune saw the eevee prepare for the attack and still couldn't think of a way to dodge it? Jump up, maybe, or fly? Heck, even slow pokémon can drop to their stomach. It doesn't look at all realistic that this kricketune couldn't manage that at least.

    “You are an amazing trainer yet you don’t know the power of Bide?” the proctor asked.
    Again with the complimenting. Really, you shouldn't have your description or other characters glorify your main character. I'm pretty sure the proctor would have seen people far more skilled than some kid. Especially because this one apparently doesn't know bide. If you don't know bide, then he can't be very skilled.

    As the light hit Eevee, she flew back towards her trainer, hitting the ground hard.
    Spelling error. Typo, I think.

    ~

    Now, you might not like hearing this about your first ever chapter in a long, ongoing story, but I'm not impressed with this. There doesn't seem to be any logic in it. You have a character who owns a zangoose with thunderpunch - or whatever other high-levelled attack that was - and an eevee who knows shadow ball and iron tail. This means he's obviously been training for a while and has managed to teach them moves they don't usually know. And yet he somehow finds it necessary to go to some school to become a trainer? Even though he already is and could easily start travelling on his own?

    Then there's your habit of glorifying your character. It's already slightly annoying that he's apparently so good that he turns the proctor and her pokémon into idiots who just stand there and gawk, but it also turns your character into a borderline Stu. He's so awesome that not even the narrator deems to tell him this repeatedly, but also the characters themselves. And again, if he's so awesome, then why is he there?

    There's also a lot of work to be done regarding your punctuation. Direct address, pauses, speech, it all needs some work. I've pointed out the general rules, so you should be able to edit most of it yourself, but I'd suggest getting a beta to look over your chapters for you.

    Good luck editing and if you have any questions, let me know!

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  24. #199
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

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    Thank you very much for the review Silawen I was very surprised to see my fan fiction with your name in the last post section. Anyway, it's very fun seeing someone comment on the first chapter even though you're well into it. That way you can see all the dumb mistakes you've made and how you've improved on them. This is why I haven't rewritten anything yet. I want people to see how it was originally first and then maybe later I will do an entire revamp.

    Moving on to the entire point of the school setting. The main character was never a gym trainer or a coordinator. He was just a traveler. The school is something of a way to better their skills or sharpen them. Also the proctors are supposed to be kind of easy :P If they weren't then no one would get in, but they're nothing compared to the teachers. I also intended for my character to seem Stu. It's all apart of his character development. He gets set up for a huge fall in the end.

    Once again I thank you for the time you have taken to review and edit my fan fiction. I will take your suggestions in and work harder on the next chapter.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  25. #200
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    The Netherlands
    Posts
    322

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    Anyway, it's very fun seeing someone comment on the first chapter even though you're well into it. That way you can see all the dumb mistakes you've made and how you've improved on them. This is why I haven't rewritten anything yet. I want people to see how it was originally first and then maybe later I will do an entire revamp.
    Why, though? I wouldn't be able to stand the knowledge that there are mistakes in something I've written. Especially mistakes that can be fixed easily. Editing your chapters is part of a writer's experience and it'll make reading a lot more interesting and fun for future readers. What if new readers wanted to read the story but were turned off by the first couple of chapters?

    The main character was never a gym trainer or a coordinator. He was just a traveler. The school is something of a way to better their skills or sharpen them.
    Again, why? Why would a character who has strong enough pokémon to go anywhere he wants go to some academy where entry is apparently very easy? Why wouldn't he simply go train himself, or find someone else - someone who doesn't require an entrance exam - to help him? Also, why then did you state in the story itself that you needed this entrance exam to be an actual trainer?

    I also intended for my character to seem Stu. It's all apart of his character development. He gets set up for a huge fall in the end.
    But why? Why would you set up an unrealistic, annoying and badly written character - Sues and Stus aren't despised for nothing, they're actually bad writing - to then have them fail utterly? Where's the fun in that? And where's the fun in writing up dozens of chapters about how awesome they are to then bring them down in one? Seems utterly pointless to me. In fact, this sounds more like a way to back-pedal than anything else. "Well, he may be a Stu, but that's because...well...I wanted him to be!"

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

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