View Poll Results: what should happen next after tournament ?

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  • brock and lisa win tournament

    0 0%
  • ash and paul win

    0 0%
  • dawn and gary win

    2 66.67%
  • whoever wins dawn and gary tell feeling 4 each other

    0 0%
  • brock and lisa get together and so do dawn and gary

    0 0%
  • lisa goes 4 more training and leaves brock again

    0 0%
  • paul ash have battle

    1 33.33%
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Thread: first ever shipping fic about cavaliershipping!! rating~ pg, or pg-13

  1. #1
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    Post first ever shipping fic about cavaliershipping!! rating~ pg, or pg-13

    okay so this is my first ever shipping fic and its about cavaliershipping, i hope u guys like it!! ^-^

    Chapter 1~

    It was a beautiful day in Pastoria city, the sun was shining and while ash and co. were walking, Ash found a flier for another tag team battle in Pastoria city. Ash went to tell Dawn and Brock. “I don’t want to enter another double battle tournament.” Says Dawn. “Come on Dawn it was fun last time” complains Ash,
    “ya right you got stuck with Paul, and I got stuck with a freaky geekazoid,” argues Dawn. “Ya and I got paired with a hot girl, and she let me because she thought she was not that good for me!! WHY MEE! *SNIFF* cries out Brock. “Piplup piplup” says piplup. “huu. Fine I’ll do it just because piplup wants to enter again.” Says Dawn
    “alright good job piplup!” Ppiplup!!

    So Ash and co. walk all the way to the arena and enter, many people were there looking around for their partner, like last.

    “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN” cries out Ash. “Hahahahah!” laughs Dawn. “Not Paul again!” cries out Ash “like I’m happy with this I can’t brlive I hot paired up with you, again you idiot.” Said Paul, while cursing in his head.
    While Ash and Paul have their usual fight every time they see each other. Dawn walks off in search of her own partner. “I hope I’m not paired with dork face again” thinks Dawn to herself. “YESSSSSSSS, ITS THE SAME GIRL!!!!,” yelled out Brock “huuu... Brock long time no see guess were partners again, and this time I won’t let you down this time, I’ve trained way harder!!” said Holly. “Great Brock and Ash already found their partner, but where’s my partner. I wonder who’s number is 82.... hu?” said Dawn.

    Dawn felt a tap on her shoulder. When she looked no one was there, then she felt another tap on her other shoulder. Then she that it was GARY!

    “Hey Dawn looks like where partners.” Said Gary, “Huu oh so your number 82?” questioned Dawn. “Yup and guess like your number 48.” Said Gary. Dawn thinks in her head, “YESSS I’m paired up with Gary this is going to be so much fun !!”

    So Gary, Dawn, Brock, Ash, and Holly go get something to eat, except Paul of course.
    “ Your paired up with Gary, Dawn and Brocks paired up Lisa. AND IM PAIRED UP WITH PAUL” cries out Ash. As Ash complained Dawn, Gary, Brock, and Holly laughed. “Ya laugh all you want; at least you Dawn and Brock got paired up with people u guys are friends with or most likely LOVE!! I wish I would have gotten paired up with someone better than Paul. “Huu... Dawn love me!!??” questions Gary in surprise. Dawn’s whole face turns rosy red. “SHUT UP ASH how do you know if I love Gary or not!!!!!! “So u don’t like me?” questions Gary. Instead of Dawn face rosy red, it turned to pure red. “Huuu..... wait no I never said that or meant that........ Sorry!” Dawn says while being embarrassed. “I’m just messing with you, no need to worry. Jokes Gary. “That was a close one, stupid Ash, he almost blurted it all out, and how does he know if I love Gary or not,” thought Dawn to herself.

    *So this is only my first chapter I’m thinking of the next chapter, but tell me what you guys think of this chapter. Ohh and if u guess have any ideas feel free to tell me just not anything over pg or pg-13 and I might or really will use them.*
    Last edited by dawnfan101; 18th October 2008 at 7:10 PM.
    people shouldn't judge!!!!....... me.

    My team and character
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  2. #2
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    Well, I'll be first to review I guess ^^;; Woo, I can't believe actually got internet >O

    Anyway..

    I just wanted to point out a few things like add more description. Just writing "Then they went to the arena" won't help the reader to imagine whats going on. Like, how was it to the arena? How did the arena look? Was it sunny? Was it pretty? Those are the sort of things you should be able to write about so the reader won't have to imagine it, you know? Like instead of...

    Quote Originally Posted by original
    they walk all the way to the arena and enter , and got there partners number. just like the last time they have to look around for their partner.
    First of all, I guess I should mention that you use Microsoft Word or something since you didn't even start this sentence with a capital letter like you're supposed to.

    But see as I change this from that to something a bit more descriptive.

    Quote Originally Posted by revised
    Ash, Brock, Dawn and Pikachu stepped in to the arena in awe. Everywhere you looked, there were pokemon trainers. Trainers who were tall, trainers who were short. Trainers who were nervous and others who looked arrogantly around.

    "So many people!" Dawn cried in surprise. There had never been this many people.

    "Oh wow," Ash said, clenching his fists excitedly. "I can't wait to start battling now! It'll be great training for our next gym battle, right Pikachu?"

    "Pika pi!" Pikachu piped.

    "Well, you're not the only one who's going to score today!" Brock said, equally excited and determined.

    Ash stared over at his tanned friend in surprise. "Really Brock? You think you can beat all of these trainers?"

    Brock smiled, "I wasn't talking about that."

    "Then what-"

    "Ash, look!" Dawn cried, interrupting the young trainer. Ash looked over to where Dawn was pointing to and saw none other than his rival walking towards them, already sulking.

    "Paul!"
    Or something like that. Do you see where I'm getting at? Put more description will not only make your chapter longer but also allow the reader to understand what's going on, you know? ^^;;

    Also, your characters are pretty OOC. Ash and Dawn and Gary don't really act like that. In most cases, Ash's dense-ness would never allow him to see if anyone likes someone else. He never really cares for love. And seeing as how this fic takes place when their traveling together, I'm pretty sure he won't just wake up one day and be a total romantic or something.

    But mostly, I guess I have to complain about the grammar and spelling. The way that you type around serebii and the way that you type in a fanfic should be different. People pretty much expect you to have little grammar/spelling mistakes if any at all. Again, try using microsoft word or anything that has a spelling/grammar correcting thing. And I advise, since it seems to me that you're a new writer, to just keep on reading lots of other fanfics. Especially the ones that are really, oh I don't know, high? lol, I don't know just read a lot. That's how all good writers begin; they read and read and read and just keep on trying to improve their own writing until they get their own, unique writing style =D

    I wish you the best with that
    ~*Uza-chan's Good bye*~

    IS SUPAH FIIIINE

  3. #3
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    thanx ill try to fix it as soon as i can and i just made it up and really didnt care about real thing and i couldnt really focus on it because me studing 4 s.s h.w and my sister has t.v to loud. hehehe
    people shouldn't judge!!!!....... me.

    My team and character
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  4. #4
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    It was a attempt. ^ ^; Uza-chan already gave you a ton of advice. And if you had problems writing it like dealing with homework and your sister then maybe you should have waited until you did have time. Because believe it or not a reader will form opinions about you based on your writing, and they may not be nice opinions either. You don't want that. ^ ^

    The advice I'll give is don't use smilies whe your writing, that's like a big no no. Descibe how their feeling instead. Secondly you need to use quotes when characters talk. And thirdly this is in script format, and unless you're really good at it you porbably want to stay way from scripts.

    What's script format? This:

    Ash: blah blah blah
    Dawn: blah blah blah
    Gary: blah blah blah

    ^ That isn't really good.

    It should be more like:

    Ash said, "Blah blah blah."

    "Blah blah blah," said Dawn.

    Gary asked, "Blah blah blah?"

    ^ You see, try to use this format instead.



    I'm just trying to help you, and Cavaleirshipping needs all the fics it can get. ^ ^ If you have any questions about writing feel free to ask me.
    Finally free til the 17th
    Now if my computer will cooperate...




    My fics


  5. #5
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    Hm. Not bad for a first fic.

    There are some spelling errors, and try not to use smilies in your writing, as Yoshi-Kun said.

    I have no problem with the format you're using, but, as Yoshi-Kun said again, the other format is more story-like. The one you're using is more script-like.

    Using more description and adding a small introduction about why Ash & Co. are at the Arena, and where they are in Sinnoh also would have helped grabbed the reader's attention.

    This fic has lots of potential. I'm sure it will get better soon! ^-^

    I've written shipping fics in the past, so if you ever need help, i'll be tickled pink to give it to you ^-^

    BTW - The girl that Brock gets paired up with in the Anime is named Holly.
    Last edited by Mewluvr200; 16th October 2008 at 7:39 PM.
    Pretty much gone. Bye.

  6. #6
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    thanx 4 telling me and 4 tellling methe girls name. ill fix it as soon as i finish studying 4 a science test to much 2 do today.
    people shouldn't judge!!!!....... me.

    My team and character
        Spoiler:- credit:

  7. #7
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    Chapter 2~

    “Wow I’m tired” said Dawn as she entered her room, the one she was sharing with Holly.”Hey Dawn do you like Gary? ,” asks Holly. “W..what type of question is that?” Asks Dawn feeling red hot. “Well you were blushing like crazy when Ash brought that up. And you’re blushing right now.” Says Holly. “What I’m not blushing,” says Dawn completely embarrassed. “Well okay I was just wondering, good night” says Holly. “Yah good night,” says Dawn. But after a couple of minutes Dawn opens her eyes right away, when she realized that the Pokémon contest and the double battle tournament were both tomorrow. “Ohhh no !” Yells out Dawn. Which suddenly woke Holly up scared. “What’s the matter,” says Holly frighten as if a murderer was in the room. “Tomorrow Pokémon contest and tournament what to do… Not to worry ill think of something.” Says Dawn. After five minutes… “I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING I SHOULD DO WHY ME!!” yells out Dawn. “I know I’ll tell Gary, he might know what to do, like I always say not to worry,” and Dawn runs out the room. “….. Okay...” says Holly then goes back to sleep. As Dawn runs down the hall to Gary’s room, she was worried of what Gary might say. But before Dawn knocked on his door she was thinking to herself, “what if Gary gets disappointed, but if I don’t tell him he might get disappointed in the morning. This is so hard... I’ll just tell him now.” Thinks Dawn to herself. So Dawn knocks on the door. “Go check who’s at the door Gary,” says Ash. “Why me,” complains Gary. “Because your bed is closer to the door, I’m all the way next to the widow,” complains Ash back. “Fine,” says Gary while getting up to get to the door.
    “Maybe I should tell him in the morning,” thinks Dawn to herself. Right when she was about to leave, Gary opens the door half awake, but right when he sees Dawn he’s wide awake. “Dawn what are you doing here?” Asks Gary. “Well I came here to tell you that um that tomorrow is the tournament and... well um,” says Dawn. “Yaa...” says Gary. “ Tomorrow is also my Pokémon contest and I’m not sure what I should do,” says Dawn. And also saying I her head,” not to worry Dawn not to worry.” “Ohhh well then, when’s your contest?” Asks Gary, “huu.. oh in the afternoon,” says Dawn. “Okay then so, the tournament is in the morning, why not we first compete in the tournament, and then you could go to your contest.” Says Gary smiling. “Huu. Why didn’t I think of that says Dawn!?” Says Dawn. “Sorry to come and wake you up so late I was just worried, that I really wasn’t thinking, what I should do . hehehe…”Says Dawn. “Not to worry says Gary I don’t mind, night,” says Gary as he closes the door. “I can’t believe it, I never thought of that, and I bet Gary thinks I’m a complete idiot.” Thinks Dawn to herself. “ Dawn’s cute when she’s confused, I’ll tell her in the morning,” thinks Gary to himself as he gets in bed.

    * done with chapter 2 sorry it took so long*
    people shouldn't judge!!!!....... me.

    My team and character
        Spoiler:- credit:

  8. #8
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    You've got a good beginning to the story; now, just elaborate! Describe! Describe everything, if you want! It helps create a better mental picture

    ^ Don't forget to put spaces in between different people's lines!

    For example...

    Quote Originally Posted by dawnfan101 View Post
    “Wow I’m tired” said Dawn as she entered her room, the one she was sharing with Holly.

    ”Hey Dawn do you like Gary? ,” asks Holly.

    “W..what type of question is that?” Asks Dawn feeling red hot.

    “Well you were blushing like crazy when Ash brought that up. And you’re blushing right now.” Says Holly.
    It makes it easier to read, so people don't get lost in the middle of a paragraph.

    Also, check your punctuation! Put commas where needed, don't capitalize letters that don't need to be capitalized, etc.

    I've noticed your fic is in present-tense: that's great, but just don't use past-tense unless you're doing a flash-back or anything! You've been great at keeping in-tense, so that's just something to keep in mind sometimes.

    Can't wait to see how your fic progresses I get the feeling that the more you write, the better you'll get!
    asdfghjkl; GEN?! <3

    stickwitu(:

  9. #9
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    You may also want to lengthen your chapters, because they're dangerously short. I don't want to close the fic over that.
    If you put more description, as WolfGirl23 suggests, your chapters will lengthen automatically.

    //WARNING
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

    Status: Chaptered | R | Contestshipping | Finished

    Encyclopika:
    Made the banner
    Is a GIRL. >.>;;
    Has a deviantART account and a Tumblr
    Is on Fanfiction.net.
    Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest? PM me!
    Don't reply to my infractions. It's not gonna change anything.

    Random friend requests do nothing. Let's actually talk first. >_<

  10. #10
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    Yeah, like WolfGirl23 said you really should break up the text, because right now it's just one big text block. And remember chapter lenght should never be less than a page. In fact it might be better if you had it at least two or three pages. If you don't know how to check then use print preview. When you bring it up to print it should tell you how many pages there are.

    Because it would be sad if Encyclopika had to close this. I don't think you want that. ^ ^;

    Though this does look better, the characters in the second chapter are closer to being in character than the first.

    Just keep trying, and you'll keep improving.
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  11. #11
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    Yeah, what everyone said. As I was scrolling down, it just looked like a big lump of text. I couldn't really read it that well. Remember to seperate the text when someone else starts talking! ^^;

    Now i'm seeing Dawn and Gary are getting into character. Keep it up!

    Just a bit more description would make the scenes easier to visulize in the readers mind. The more detail, the better. Just make sure not to describe TOO much, or that can be just as bad.

    I can definatly see some improvement! Keep it up, and practice, practice, practice!
    Pretty much gone. Bye.

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