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Thread: Pokemon: The Platinum Journey!

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    Default Pokemon: The Platinum Journey!

    While this is my first fan-fic, I have read alot of others, and the rules obviously, and thought I can write one too, and here it is. Its meant to be (Sort of) based on the Platinum Storyline, so for those who don't have Platinum may want to not read this.
    I am open to all forms of critisism.
    Chapter list(So people can easily get to them):
    Chapter 1: The Start of a Journey!
    Chapter 2: An Egg-Citing Mission!
    Chapter 3: A Fateful Dream

    Prologue

    “At first, there was only a swirling vortex of Chaos, and nothing existed until an Egg fell from a void. From this egg did hatch the Original One. From himself did he create two beings. When one was born, did Time begin to Flow. When one was born, did Space begin to expand and worlds began to form. When did those two start warring, the Original One created a third entity. When this one was born, other dimensions were created. Seeing the other two beings warring, this third took the two to a separate dimension where they could do no further harm. When did this one start to destroy the other two’s creations, the Original One sent him to another dimension where he could do no further harm. As a final act, he created four more beings. When one was born, it was given the power to give and take away knowledge and memories. When one was born, it was given the power to give and take away Emotions. When one was born, it was given the power to give and take away Willpower. When one was born, it was given the arduous task of carrying on the Original One’s Work. Seeing no further need, the Original One took to sleep in his hall, and gave his successor the key to it in the form of an instrument.”

    I still remember it like it was yesterday. My own creator forced me into this place. He thought I wouldn’t mind. Still, it is nice here. This is MY world, but it is also quite different than the one I was born into. Hm. What is this I sense? It feels as though Dialga and Palkia are causing this. Still, this feels different than the last time. Can it be? Have those accursed humans found me after all these long years? Or have they found Dialga and Palkia finally? It feels as if, now, their world and my world are connected in several places. Odd. I must investigate this. Is there a slight possibility that maybe Dialga and Palkia have been freed?! No. It is impossible. I made it so that only the 3 beings that my Creator could have the power to open their dimensions. Perhaps that was a little unwise? Thought a lone Pokémon. If the Humans were to find out of this, it would be a disaster for all worlds. The two are very destructive, and will not stop until the other is destroyed. I wouldn’t be surprised if they still are angry at me for trapping them in those dimensions. Still, my Creator did tell me to do it, so they may be still angry at him, more than they are me. I doubt it though. They will no doubt want to destroy me for all of time. I, too, am angry at them. Our Creator made them first, then me in order to separate them and to bring those who die to the afterlife, and as a result the Humans believe them to be gods, and me a Demon. It looked like a worm with spikes on its tail and sides. It had 6 entrails on its back, and a stripe pattern on its body. The Pokémon started to float around its world looking for the cause of this disturbance. Its world was just boulders floating in the air, and tree-like things that disappeared and reappeared at times. All of this was floating above a swirling vortex. The Vortex’s swirling grew worse as it grew angrier.

    It soon came across a portal in its world. I wonder. Could this lead to the Human’s World? If it does, then I am in danger of discovery. If it does not, then I shouldn't even worry about it. Either way, it would be safe to check it out. Thought the Pokémon as it went through the portal, and came into a large temple. Just as I suspected. The Human World. How odd. It appears to have just gotten colder all of a sudden. Hm. Was that maybe something my Creator’s successor made after imprisoning me? It was flying higher than most anything that would inhabit this planet. The Pokémon then went back to its own world.


    Chapter 1: The Start of a Journey

    “It would seem that there are we are surrounded by Pokémon. In the Four Years I have been gone, it seems as if they just appeared out of nowhere. Still, it feels good being back in my hometown,” Said a middle-aged man while being interviewed on TV, “I must say, things appear different than when I left. It seem as though Sinnoh has gotten colder.” He was in front of a Large building that had small snow piles on it. Around the building were small snow drifts and some of the tall trees were covered with it.

    “We thank you for allowing us to Interview you Professor Rowan. Just one last question, what would you say to all the aspiring trainers out there?” asked the interviewer.

    “Just this: Wherever you come from, it doesn’t matter if whether or not you win or lose, it only matters that you have fun with your Pokémon,” answered Rowan, “Also, you should think carefully on which Pokémon you want to start your journey. Trainers in Sinnoh get to choose from Turtwig, Chimchar, and Piplup, all three of which would be perfect as a first pokemon.”

    “Wow. What great words of wisdom! You heard him future trainers, think carefully as to what Pokémon you want as your first!” The Reporter told the TV viewers, “Now, get out there and start your journeys!”

    “Cool. I wonder which one I want?” said Lucas to himself as he took a bite of a cookie. Lucas was just your average 10 year old. He was moderately tall and wears a Blue Jacket and a Scarf, as Sinnoh has gotten colder all of a sudden. He had a White Backpack, a red shirt, and black jeans. His short black hair was covered by a red Hat.

    “HEY LUCAS!” yelled somebody from down the steps, “C’mon! I’m going to Professor Rowan to get a Pokémon!” The person ran up the steps. He wore a long shirt with Orange and White Stripes and dark brown pants. He had a Brown bag slung over his shoulder and a green Scarf around his neck. He had wild Blonde hair that went well with his wild personality.

    “Can’t you give me a sec Zach?! I’ll be coming with you in a minute. I’ve just got to find where that cookie I dropped when you yelled at me!” replied Lucas, quite annoyed that his friend couldn't even give him a minute to come downstairs.

    “Oh jeez! Can’t you go five minutes without worrying about eating?!” scolded Zach angrily, “I’m going to leave you behind and get my first Pokémon before you do!”

    “Ah-ha! There it is!” said Lucas, ignoring his friend, “Now, what were you saying?” Before Zach could reply, Lucas put the whole cookie in his mouth and swallowed it whole. Hm, what pokemon am I going to choose? Maybe Chimchar. Hm, I don't really know. thought Lucas with a confused expression on his face.

    “Um. You do realize that you are going to choke one these days, right?” inquired Zach with a look of disapproval.

    “I’m sorry, I was wondering which Pokémon I’m going to choose. Could you repeat that?” I think I should get a couple more cookies soon. Thought Lucas.

    Zach just stood there with an angry expression on his face. “Just forget it. C’mon, let’s go get ourselves our First Pokémon!”

    “Right!” agreed Lucas, “You know, I’m might choose Chimchar. I’ve always loved Fire Types! I think it complements my wild personality.”

    “SURE you have a wild personality. And I have already gotten my first pokemon, a Garchomp!" teased Zach with glee, You know, I’m going to be the greatest trainer in the world!”

    “Yeah, SURE you are! And I’m going to jump the moon and have a cookie with a Munchlax in Space!” sniped Lucas with a smile.

    “Oh, be quiet!” replied Zach angrily.

    “Hey Mom! Zach and I are going to see if we can get a Pokémon from Professor Rowan!” yelled Lucas as they walked out the front door.

    “Fine. Just don’t go into the tall grass. Wild Pokémon might jump out!” replied Lucas’s Mother with a hint of worry in her voice.

    “See ya later Mom!”

    “Yeah see ya, Lucas’s Mom!”

    "Sigh. I knew it was only a matter of time that he would become a Trainer," said Lucas's Mom with a look of worry, "He is DEFINITELY his Father's son. Hopefully, Lucas will actually come home once in a while."

    Twinleaf Town was pretty much a Snowdrift in itself. As it is small, there isn't a lot of people to move the snow off the streets. As a result, most people were walking nowadays. The Duo had barely gotten past Zach's snow Covered House when Zach realized he had forgotten something.

    “I'll be back in a sec. I have to go get something from my house," said Zach.

    “Fine, I’ll wait. Though it seems as though you forget a lot of sff.” Replied Lucas, a little disappointed in his friend. A few minutes later Zach returned.

    “Okay, now let’s go to Sandgem town and see Professor Rowan!” said Zach as he started towards the Snow covered street out of Twinleaf.

    "Yeah sure. Just don't fall in the snow like yesterday. You don't want me to be laughing at you, right?" teased Lucas with a look of happiness on his face. He watched his friend slowly move in the snow. Lucas busted up laughing as he saw his friend take a dive into a snowdrift.

    "Oh, be quiet! Just help me up," said Zach exasperated. Lucas helped his friend up after nearly dying of Laughter. The two friends then headed towards Route 201. The Snow Covered trees were slowely getting greener for unkown reasons. The way to Sandgem Town was covered by Tall Grass. As Zach started towards the grass, Lucas stopped him.

    “Um. My mom said we shouldn’t go in tall grass,” advised Lucas, “Perhaps we
    should find a different way to Sandgem?”

    “Oh it won’t be that bad. It’s not like we’re going to be in it long enough for a wild Pokémon to come out!” said Zach as he headed towards the grass, disappointed at his friend for not wanting to go in it.

    “STOP! You shouldn’t go in there without a Pokémon!” yelled someone from behind them. The duo turned to see an old man with a gray moustache. He wore a Blue Vest, a red Tie, a white Shirt, and Black pants. “Now, if you two should want, I will give you each your first Pokémon.”

    “Holy! It’s Professor Rowan! Didn’t see that one coming. We were just on our way to get a Pokémon from you!” said Lucas a little shocked.

    “Well well, it seems as if I was here at a pretty good time then!” replied
    Rowan with a Smile, “now, do you know which one you want?”

    “We sure do!” Zach replied excitedly.

    “Very well then. Dawn! Where are you?”

    “Right here Professor!” replied Dawn as she came running. Dawn was average height, and wore a Red Jacket/Mini Skirt. She had on a White Scarf and a White hat with a Pokeball symbol.

    “Now Dawn, here are two young men who want their first Pokémon,” informed Rowan, “Do you have my Briefcase?”

    “Right here! Now you two, in here are the Pokémon that trainers in Sinnoh are able to have as a first Pokémon; Turtwig, Chimchar, and Piplup. Choose wisely, as whichever one you choose will become one of your closest friends!” Dawn told the duo with a small smile.

    “I want Chimchar!” said Lucas quickly.

    “I want Piplup!” Zach yelled loudly.

    “Okay, I got it, there is NO need to yell! Here is Chimchar and here is Piplup. Take good care of them, or I’ll-“ informed Dawn with a Glare

    “Now Dawn, I’m sure they’ll be great to them. Ah yes. Here are 5 Pokeballs for the both of you! You will need to have these to capture pokemon.”

    “Wow thanks Professor! We’ll put them to good use, right Zach?” Asked Lucas

    “M-m-m-y own P-P-P-Pokémon,” replied Zach, who seemed as if he was going to explode with excitement.

    “Um. Okay. That’s odd even for you,” teased Lucas.

    “Now if you will come to my laboratory sometime in the near future, I’ll give you something,” said Rowan, “Now Dawn, lets head back to the lab.” He then started to head back to Sandgem Town

    “Um. Right,” replied Dawn as she took off behind him.

    “So, now what?” asked Lucas.

    “You wanna go to Lake Verity? We may be able to find some Pokémon there! I'll Need to catch some if I'm going to become the greatest Pokemon Trainer EVER!”

    “Sure why not?” replied Lucas. The duo headed towards Lake Verity, passing by some snow covered trees that gave way to a giant crystal clear pool of water. The Large foliage seemed to cover up the sky around the lake. Upon getting there, they saw a lone person looming by the lake’s edge.

    “Hm. It seems that my sources were mistaken. I see no further use for them. Still, it is disappointing that I was unable to find Mesprit,” muttered the person, “Soon as I get back, they will learn to fear the name Cyrus and all of Team Galactic!” Cyrus then turned and walked away from the lake. He
    walked past the duo and then out of sight.

    “That was…Odd,” commented Lucas with a confused look on his face.

    “Tell me about it,” replied Zach. He turned around confused with look on his face when he heard a strange noise. “What was that?”

    “I didn’t hear anything.”

    “There it is again. Listen!”

    Lucas listened careful and then he heard a strange noise. Hm? What was that?! It sounded like it was a voice of a Pokémon. Thought Lucas as confused as Zach.

    “I’m out of here! I’ve got to go and catch some Pokémon!” said Zach, with a hint of fear in his voice.

    “Hm. Thanks for the good idea!” replied Lucas, as he walked off. He scoured the surroundings searching for Pokemon. When he felt he couldn't find anything around the lake, he decided to search farther away. He scanned the large trees in hopes of finding a wild pokemon. He walked around the route for a while and came across a small Bird. It was Grey and had a large white circle on its forehead. “Oh! I think that’s a Starly! Go Chimchar!”

    “Chimchar,” (Hiya!) said the little fire Monkey. It had a fiery tail and was mostly Orange.

    “Chimchar Scratch!”

    “Starly Star!” (Stupid Monkey!) cried the small bird as it was scraped by Chimchar’s claws.

    “Pokeball Go!” said Lucas as he threw the ball. It hit the wild Starly, and it was sucked in. The ball wiggled a couple times. Then, the Ball opened and Starly was released, "Grr. Chimchar! Scratch!" said Lucas angrily. The small Monkey followed its trainer's command.

    "Star Starly!" (You suck you stupid Monkey!) chirpped Starly.

    "Now, lets try again! Pokeball, GO!" yelled Lucas with an angry look on his face. The ball hit the small bird and sucked it in. The ball wiggled several times, and then clicked shut. "Woo-hoo! It worked! We caught a Starly!"

    “Chim Chimchar!” (Yay! We did it.)

    “C’mon out Starly!”

    “Starly Starly Star!” (Oh I was just about to have a nice nap!)

    “Chimchar?” (No hard feelings about that battle?)

    “Starly Star.” (Oh. Hello there stupid Monkey.)

    “C’mon guys! Lets head off to Sandgem town!” said Lucas with a determined look on his face. He started to run through the snow covered path towards the town.

    “Chimchar!” (Hey wait up!)

    “Star Star!” (At least I’m built for speed!)
    Last edited by Draknir; 26th October 2008 at 10:46 PM. Reason: Changed some of the Prologue and TOTALLY redid Ch.1



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    Important Events of Chapter 1!:
    -Lucas and Zach Receive their first Pokémon(Chimchar and Piplup respectively)!
    -Lucas and Zach meet Cyrus and hear a strange noise at Lake Verity!
    -Lucas Catches his First Pokémon, a Starly!


    Chapter 2: An Egg-citing Mission!


    “Oh man, am I tired!” complained Lucas with a tired look on his face. The trio had only gone a short distance. The scenery hadn't change much. It was just tall trees and tall grass, with the occasional Snowdrift here and there.

    “CHIM Chimchar Chim!,” (OH YOU IDIOT! We only Ran a couple of Feet!) Said Chimchar, disappointed at his trainer.

    “Starly Starly Starly STARLY?!” (You mean THIS is the idiot who captured me? Does that maybe make ME a BIGGER idiot?!) Chirped Starly angrily.

    “Oh come on. I’m pretty sure those were insults,” said Lucas eyeing the two embarrassed Pokémon, “Let’s just rest for now.”

    “Starly Star!” (No I wanna keep going!) piped Starly. The Little bird then started tugging on Lucas’s pant leg trying to get him to keep moving. Lucas reluctantly got up at the small Pokémon’s request, and started walking towards Sandgem Town.

    “Char Chim,” (Show off.) muttered Chimchar annoyed.

    “Starly Starly Star,” (I know. Think you could have done that?) replied Starly beamingly.

    “Chimchar chim,” (It takes a bigger Idiot to motivate an Idiot it seems), sniped Chimchar.

    “Starly!” (Look who’s talking!) said Starly quite steaming at the comment.

    “Um. Guys. You coming?!” asked Lucas, looking back on the arguing Pokémon.

    “Starly Star Starly,” (We’ll continue this when we get to wherever we’re going.) suggested Starly reluctantly. Then the Little Bird took off after his Trainer.

    “Chimchar Chim!” (Hey! Wait up!) yelled the small Monkey as he took off after Lucas and Starly. Unbeknownst to the Trainer and his Pokémon, they were being Watched. A Pokémon entered the snowy clearing from behind a tree. It was mostly Pink, but it had yellow Markings on its Body. It had a thick Tail and a Long Tongue.

    “Licki! Licki!” (Oooh! There gonna go places! I Wanna Go TOO!) Said the Pokémon. It then started to head in the same direction as Lucas did at a moderately slower pace than the Trio was moving. Perhaps I may want to be with this guy FOREVER! Thought the Pokémon.

    After walking for about an Hour (Well, Starly Flew and that is what Lucas estimated), the trio decided to take a rest(Actually, Starly landed and refused to move any further despite the pleas of Chimchar and Lucas).

    “Starly Starly Star!” (I’m not going to move any further with have a short Nap! I’m tired!) cried the little bird.

    “Chimchar Chim,” (And I thought LUCAS was the greatest complainer) muttered Chimchar, quite angry at his new “friend”. The small monkey then went over to Starly and gave him an angry glare. Then he sat down on a nearby stump. If I train a lot and get stronger, will Starly get jealous and start shaping up? Thought Chimchar.

    “Hm. Guys, we will take a short rest, and then we will try to make it to Sandgem Town before mid-afternoon so we will KNOW we can see Professor Rowan,” said the exasperated trainer as he sat down. Hm. I don’t think these two are getting along very well. Oh yeah! I should give each of them a cookie! Cookies make EVERYTHING right! Thought Lucas. “Hey guys! I’ve got something for ya!”

    “Starly Star?” (Ooh, what is it?) asked Starly, now interested in what Lucas had rather than his little nap.

    “CHIMCHAR CHIM!” (GIMME IT NOW!) yelled Chimchar excitedly. The Little Monkey then ran to Lucas, and nearly ran him over in his excitement. He didn’t even know what it was, and yet he couldn’t wait for it.

    “Here you go Chimchar, and here you go Starly!” said Lucas, smiling as he gave the duo a cookie each.

    “Char Chimchar Chim!” (Ooh! A cookie! YUMMY!) Yelled, the now drooling Chimchar.

    “Starly Starly Starly STARLY!” (I, unlike Chimchar, don’t have to yell about a yummy delicious scrumptious COOKIE!) said the also drooling Starly. The Duo took huge bites of their cookies and had them gone in almost a blink of the eye. Starly then started to tug on Lucas’s Jacket, indicating he wanted to continue in hopes of getting more cookies. Chimchar, on the other hand, started to eye Lucas's Backpack thinking that is where he keeps the cookies.

    “Well, that’s that! Now, on to Sandgem Town!” said Lucas as he swallowed his cookie whole. He then got up and started to head in the snow stricken direction of Sandgem Town; the duo close behind him. For the most part the path was just trees and shrubs, with some snowdrifts at times. After a short while, the trio came up on a large, snow-covered field with many wild Starly in it. The wild Starly took off as the trio drew near them, believing them to be a threat naturally.

    “Starly Starly Starly Star!!!” (Hi guys! Guess what, I found myself a trainer! See ya later SUCKERS! Haha!) cried Starly at the rest of his former flock. Then, the small bird sped up and made it to the other side of the field by the time his Trainer and Chimchar were half way through it. “Starly Star!” (C’mon Slowpokes!)

    By the Time the other two made it to Starly, they could see the big bustling town of Sandgem. While they were running towards the small bird, they didn’t notice the Pokémon with a long Tongue following them.
    “Lickitung Licki tung tung,” (Oh! I know where they’re headed! I’m still gonna follow them though!) muttered the Lickitung. Then Lickitung took off running AROUND Sandgem town so as to avoid being seen by people. I’ll wait for him on the other side. I don’t want to get lost in the City!

    “Whoa! This place is huge compared to Twinleaf! Hey, that’s Professor Rowan’s lab. At least, I'm pretty sure its the one I saw in the interview,” commented Lucas, pointing at a large building. Starly then decided to perch himself on Lucas's Head. He walked towards it and noticed that there were some Starly in a nearby tree. I wonder if those belong to Professor Rowan.

    “Ah, Lucas. It’s about time you got here!” exclaimed a voice from behind him. Lucas, a bit startled, jumped when he heard the voice. He turned around to see a girl standing behind him.

    “Hey aren’t you Dawn?” asked Lucas, still a bit startled by her.

    “Yep, that’s me! So how’s Chimchar doing?” inquired Dawn.

    “Why don’t you see for yourself? Chimchar where are you?”

    “Chimchar!” (Right Here!) exclaimed the small monkey. While Dawn and Lucas were talking, Chimchar had climbed onto Lucas's back and was chomping down on a cookie from Lucas's Backpack.

    “Hey! What’re you doing in my Backpack?! MY COOKIES!”

    “Char Chimchar Chim!,” (Burp. They were SO good though!) muttered the full little Monkey.

    “Oh that’s so cute! I forgot to tell you, Chimchar is a little Cookie-Monster!” giggled Dawn.

    “My Cookies,” mourned Lucas with quite a sad look on his face.

    “Ah! Lucas. Just in time!” yelled a voice from behind the two.

    “Professor Rowan! I’m here for what you said you were going to give me!”

    “I know. Come with me if you will.” Motioned Rowan, as he walked into his Lab. Lucas put Chimchar and Starly back into their pokeballs and followed Rowan inside, Dawn Close behind “Now Lucas, I have a request of you. I have here an encyclopedia of Sorts, called a Pokedex. Would you please help me see all the Pokémon in Sinnoh?”

    “Um. Sure. Will I be able to travel all around to do that?” asked Lucas.

    “Why of course! How else would you be able to do such a feat?” laughed Rowan, “Also, I recently received a request from a Pokémon Ranger in the Almia Region. It is to give a trustworthy trainer a Rare Pokémon Egg. Would you please take care of the egg and raise the Pokémon inside?”

    “Yeah, Sure. Just one question, what kind of Pokémon is it?”

    “I believe it to be the Legendary Pokémon, Manaphy. It is quite Rare, so finding an Egg would be even more rare. Dawn, will you please fetch the egg for me?”

    “Yes, Professor,” agreed Dawn as she walked out of the room. When she came back, she held a strange looking Pokémon egg. It was blue with a Red sphere in the middle. Surrounding the Sphere were much smaller Yellow Spheres, “Here you go. PLEASE take good care of it, or I’ll-“

    “Okay, I get it! You don’t have to worry Professor; I’ll take good care of this egg and the Manaphy in it.”

    “Hm! Good Answer! Now, I suggest you go out and head towards Jubilife City. It has a Trainer’s School which would help you tremendously.”

    Lucas left the lab and started to walk towards the edge of snowdrift covered Town. He was shocked when the Egg started to glow Red. Wha-? What’s going on with the egg? Is it maybe HATCHING?!
    Last edited by Draknir; 25th October 2008 at 2:28 AM. Reason: Changed a lot of stuff



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    “Chim!” exclaimed the small monkey.

    “Hey! What’re you doing in my Backpack?! MY COOKIES!”

    “Char,” (Burp. They were SO good though!) muttered the full little Monkey.

    “Oh that’s so cute! I forgot to tell you, Chimchar is a little Cookie-Monster!” giggled Dawn.
    So in one utterance of Char, Chimchar was able to burp, and compliment the quality of the sugary snack it had just eaten?.

    No. Just no.

    There's also the fact you didn't describe Chimchar suddenly assaulting Lucas's backpack, if it was still on him when the thieving monkey did this; or what he did or what Dawn did, outside of looking forlorn or giggling like an idiot.

    It's like you lose the ability to describe or seemingly take time after the text block of prologue you wrote up; from skimming over it I find nothing that makes it seem better than the anime or games. Surely it can't be from the translated pokemon talking. Surely not from the lack of describing anything; from description of people, surroundings and emotion.

    Surely it can't be from the fact it comes off as tacky..

    I suggest you take time out from putting more thought into having translations of poke`speech for us, and more time into writing out interactions, plot points, character evolution, character personality, actions, interactions yet again, emotions, yada yada yada...

    And go read Advice for Aspiring Authors.

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    I should have caught that when I read over my work. I changed a lot of the story to include emotions, settings, and how Chimchar got on Lucas's Backpack. I did look at the Aspiring Author's thread, but I didn't read all of it at first. I still have some stuff to change now(Like where Starly is when they get to Sandgem Town, or where the Pokemon are in the Lab and up until the end). Hopefully, the next chapter will be a LOT better now that I have tons of ideas on what to improve on.



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    Important Events of Chapter 2!:
    -Lucas, Chimchar, and Starly make it to Sandgem Town!
    -Lucas receives a Pokedex from Professor Rowan!
    -Lucas receives an Egg from Professor Rowan!
    -The Egg started to hatch!

    Chapter 3: A Fateful Dream

    Lucas was startled by the Eggs sudden glowing. The egg then turned white and a pair of antennae grew out of it. The Top of the Egg grew a small bit, and the lower part shrunk a little. The egg then stopped glowing, and in its place, there was a small blue Pokémon. It had two long antennae with small balls on the end. Its Long, Club-Like arms were crossed around its small chest.

    “Mana?” (Momma?) asked the small Pokémon, “Phy! Phy!” (Hungy! Hungy!)

    “Uh? Uh?! What am I supposed to do now?!” asked a frantic Lucas. He had no clue what to do with the baby, so naturally he quickly ran back to Rowan’s Laboratory. When he almost slammed into a snow-covered signpost, he decided to walk the rest of the way to the lab. As he was heading towards the lab, the snowy Streetlights turned on, due to it becoming dark out.

    “Lucas?! What are you doing back al-? Wha-? The Egg hatched already?!” asked a very shocked Dawn.

    “Well, the crying baby doesn’t really give that away, does it?” retorted Lucas, “I think that maybe Manaphy is a little hungry.”

    “Jeez, you THINK?!” yelled a now frantic Dawn, “Oh, uh, hi Professor. Eheheh.” Professor Rowan had walked into the room to see Dawn making a mess of the room, and Lucas standing there trying to keep baby Manaphy from crying.

    “Now, are you just going to keep making a bigger mess, or are you going to find some food for Manaphy?” asked Rowan with a shocked expression at the condition of the room.

    “Um. Right, I’ll be right back,” replied Dawn with an embarrassed look on her face as she headed towards another room. Several Minutes Later, she came back with some berries, “Maybe the baby will like these Wacan Berries.” She proceeded to hand the baby one.

    “Manamana?” (Berry?) asked the small baby as it took the Wacan Berry. It took a small bite of it, and then started to eat it ravenously, “Mana! Manaphy!” (Yay! Not Hungy!) Then, Manaphy yawned and quickly fell asleep. All three humans breathed a sigh of relief.

    “As Manaphy is only a baby, it needs its sleep. I suggest that you stay here tonight to make sure that Manaphy is well. There is a room in which you may sleep for tonight. Now, it’s getting a bit late so I suggest you find something to eat and turn in for the night. You probably have had a long day,” offered Rowan.

    “I’m afraid I am going to have to take you up on that offer Professor. I just hope Manaphy sleeps the whole night,” said Lucas reluctantly. He followed Rowan to a room down an adjacent hall. Inside there was a small bed, a large Bookshelf, and a miniature Refrigerator.

    “Dawn sleeps in this room if she has work to do and it gets late. Pretty much anything you could need during the night is in the fridge over there. I will be seeing to Manaphy for a while. Being able to study a rare Pokémon like the baby, that is a rare occurrence for a Pokémon Professor, like myself. Hopefully, Manaphy won’t cause too much trouble tonight,” rambled Rowan. Lucas’s mind wandered after he mentioned that all he needed was in the fridge. He was pre-occupied with figuring out how he was going to take care of baby Manaphy on his journey.

    “Well, I’ll hopefully get SOME sleep while Manaphy is. If only the baby won’t be cranky when it wakes up,” replied Lucas as Rowan walked out of the room. Lucas took off his jacket, scarf, and hat, but not before he grabbed some of his stash of cookies he keeps hidden under it, and climbed into the bed. I seriously don’t get how I am going to take care of Manaphy. My journey just got a WHOLE lot more complicated. He thought as he drifted off to sleep.

    Where am I? What is this place? Thought Lucas as he found himself in a strange world. There was only a swirling red Vortex below him and everything else was just a black void.

    Greetings, Lucas.

    Huh? What was that?! Said Lucas as he was looking around in all directions. Then, a bright 2 blue Eyes appeared out of the Darkness. The Darkness turned to red, and the Pokémon’s entire being was able to be seen. It was pure black and had a red growth on its neck. Protruding from its head was a white substance. It appeared to have a robe where its legs should be. It had thin arms with tatters on its shoulders.

    I? I go by many names. The King of Nightmares. The Pitch-Black Pokémon. But you. You may call me Darkrai.

    Darkrai? What are you? Asked a very confused Lucas

    I am a Pokémon. I am also one who gives beings horrid Nightmares. Replied Darkrai.

    Where am I?

    Lucas, you are in the midst of the limbo between good dreams and bad. This is the only place I can talk to you without worrying about being found by the rest of your kind.

    So, what is it that you want to talk to me about? Asked a now somewhat calmer Lucas.

    I will tell you if you will listen and not interrupt. Your world is in grave danger. I cannot give you the full details, but I will tell you this. The reason your world has gotten colder is because of what will come forth in the near future. Told Darkrai. Soon, very soon in fact, a being will inadvertently contact you in a place where his world is parallel with yours. This being will be the one who will tell you what will happen to your world, but you are the one who must stop this crisis. If your world falls, so will the rest of the worlds in all of existence.

    Do you know what is the cause of my world’s danger is? Asked Lucas, quite confused by this revelation.

    Yes. I do, but I was commanded by my creator’s creator to not reveal it to you.

    Oh that’s reassuring. So, if you want to contact me again to tell me anything, I'll have to come back here again?

    What don’t you like it here? Hehe. Well get used to it kid, you’ll be coming back here a few more times. Replied Darkrai with what seemed to be a smile. Now, it is almost morning in your world. Manaphy will be waking up very soon. Before I let you go, I will give you some advice: Try feeding Manaphy some Oran Berries when it is hungry. Now, I bid you farewell.

    Lucas awoke to find himself in the bed in Rowan’s Lab. What an odd dream? That Pokémon, was it Darkrai? It said that a being would contact me. I wonder what it meant. And, How did it know about Manaphy? Thought Lucas puzzled. He then heard Manaphy start crying.

    “Phy Phy PHY!” (Hungy Hungy HUNGY!) cried the small baby.

    “Wait, didn’t Darkrai say I should feed it Oran Berries if it got hungry?” muttered Lucas to himself. He then went into the room where Dawn got the Wacan Berries from the previous night. He searched through the cupboards and found a crate containing some berries, “These must be Oran Berries!” He went to grab a couple and bring them to the crying baby when Professor Rowan entered the room.

    “Ah, I see Manaphy is up. It looks like it’s a little hungry. Hm, Oran berries, those should be a good enough breakfast for Manaphy!” said Rowan.

    “Well, I heard they were good for Pokémon,” replied Lucas, not mentioning his meeting with Darkrai in his dreams.

    “You heard correctly. Now, I don’t believe Manaphy will be patient much longer, so you should go give it some of the berries.”

    “Yeah, I was just about to do that,” replied Lucas as he left the room. When he got to Manaphy, it was pretty loud and was getting a bit mad. He wasted no time giving the baby an Oran berry.

    “MANA!” (BERRY!) Yelled the now excited Manaphy as it took the berry. It took one bite and then started to take many large bites out of it, “Mana!” (Yay!)

    “Now, Lucas. I suggest you head out soon. Please, take Manaphy with you. Also, take some of the Oran and Wacan Berries for when the baby gets hungry,” suggested Rowan.

    “Thank you Professor. I’ll head out soon, and thanks again for letting me stay here and for watching Manaphy during the night,” replied Lucas, with a smile on his face. He walked back into the room he stayed in with Manaphy in his hands. He put on his hat, Scarf, and Jacket, and called out Chimchar and Starly.

    “Chim,” (Hey) yawned the just woken up small Monkey. Chimchar then rubbed his eyes.

    “Starly Star?” (And who is this?) inquired the Small bird, looking at baby Manaphy.

    “Manaphy” (Hiya) said the already tired baby.

    “Well, Guys. This is the true first step of our Journey. Professor Rowan suggested we head towards Jubilife City, so let’s go!” informed Lucas. The trio walked out, with Manaphy in Lucas’s Arms, and started heading down the snow covered street towards the edge of the Town. Now, on to Jubilife City! Thought Lucas



    3DS Friend Code: 2535-4249-2325
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  6. #6
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    I am no reviewer but I feel I must inform you that though writing a fic is great and all, there is not much here that set it apart from the anime or games.

    Also, you seem to be in far too much of a rush to get to the end of the story or something (for example: in Chapter 1, you had Lucas receive his first Pokemon (Chimchar) and catch his first Pokemon (Starly); and in Chapter 2, you had Zach receive an egg from the professor which started to hatch in the same chapter).

    I would say take more time into writing out plot points, character personality, character evolution, actions, emotions, etc.

  7. #7
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    Hey! I had a good look at your fic and noticed that while you've been given a couple of pointers and suggestions, nothing much has changed. I figured I'd give it a go myself, hoping that yet another person questioning things could provide you with more of an incentive to improve.

    I've decided to review chapter two, since this is the one you wrote after receiving criticism.

    -

    Lucas was startled by the egg's sudden glowing. The egg then turned white and a pair of antennae grew out of it. The top of the egg grew a small bit, and the lower part shrunk a little. The egg then stopped glowing, and in its place there was a small blue Pokémon. It had two long antennae with small balls on the end. Its long, club-like arms were crossed around its small chest.
    There's a lot of unnecessary capitalizing going on here. 'Egg' shouldn't be capitalized unless it's a name, which it isn't here, neither should 'long', 'club', or any of the other words I corrected.

    This is the opening of your chapter, yet there's nothing happening to signify it's a beginning. Openings of any chapter should set up what's going on, where they are, or something significant. Set up their surroundings, perhaps, or mention Lucas' feet hitting the dusty road as he walked, something like that. Don't just dive in describing the pokémon.

    I'm a bit startled by the fact that not only did the egg decide to hatch mere minutes after Lucas had left the lab, but also that it turned out to be a manaphy. A manaphy, of all creatures. Why did you decide that a legendary was a good pokémon to give your trainer? I mean, the odds of anyone finding a manaphy egg are incredibly slim. Slim to none, in fact. The odds of that person sending said egg off to a professor and then informing him to give to the next 'trustworthy' but otherwise inexperienced trainer he saw? Non-existent and frankly ridiculous. Both that ranger and the professor are utter morons for doing so.

    He had no clue what to do with the baby, so naturally he quickly ran back to Rowan’s Laboratory.
    Which is exactly why giving him the egg was a stupid idea.

    “Jeez, you THINK?!” yelled a now frantic Dawn,
    Actually, they have no way of knowing what Manaphy might want. It might just be calling for its mother, or scared of the human boy running around with it.

    Professor Rowan had walked into the room to see Dawn making a mess of the room, and Lucas standing there trying to keep baby Manaphy from crying.
    Dawn was making a mess of the room? You made no mention of this - since you don't describe anything - and we don't really have a clue why she is making such a mess.

    “Now, are you just going to keep making a bigger mess, or are you going to find some food for Manaphy?” asked Rowan with a shocked expression at the condition of the room.
    We would be shocked too, maybe, if we know what that mess looked like. *shrug* Also, why is Rowan blaming Dawn for not finding food when it's clearly Lucas' responsibility to feed the critter?

    “Manamana?” (Berry?) asked the small baby as it took the Wacan Berry. It took a small bite of it, and then started to eat it ravenously, “Mana! Manaphy!” (Yay! Not Hungy!) Then, Manaphy yawned and quickly fell asleep. All three humans breathed a sigh of relief.
    This is your biggest problem. Aside from the legendary and the lack of logic, you rush through things like someone's paying you to get to the end as fast as possible. Instead of showing us what is going on, you get from A to B in under a second.

    "Manaphy was hungry. Manaphy ate a berry. Manaphy was no longer hungry and fell asleep."

    Something happened, then that something stopped happening and was over. Regardless of time-frames or anything else. Please, just slow down and take your time. Eating enough berries to stop being hungry takes time, as does falling asleep. Take your time and describe this. Manaphy is eating a berry? Describe the colour and texture of it, then how the baby nearly dropped it in an attempt to gobble it down as fast as possible. Mention the smell, and the fascination everyone had with watching it, or the drooping eyes of Manaphy when it was about to fall asleep. Do more than just the bare minimum.

    -

    I don't have time to go through the entire thing, but I did read it. The biggest problems you have are the following:

    1. Random capitalization.

    I don't know why you do it, but you randomly capitalize words. Just remember that names, I, and words at the beginning of a sentence get a capital letter, don't just choose whatever words look nice enough and give those one. It's not necessary.

    2. Lack of description and rushing through things.

    We have no idea what is going on, really. You mention things but don't describe them. You say Dawn made a mess, but then forgot to actually indicate why and how she did. I can tell you the sky is green all I want, but it needs to be explained and described for you to actually believe it. This is not a 'fill in your own idea' exercise, it's you telling us a story. Take your time and imagine what we would want to know.

    Imagine this is a movie and you're directing it. If the scene is scary, you would dim the lights and make the wind howl. Without the dimmed lights and howling wind the scene would be bland and cease to be as scary as you wanted it to be. The same goes for writing a story. If you don't describe and set up a scene, then it's going to fall flat. Dawn making a mess? Fell flat because you forgot the 'howling wind' and 'dimming lights'. Understand what I mean?

    This coincides with the 'rushing' part, which has been touched on by others repeatedly. I explained the concept in the first part, so I won't do it here, but it's very important you slow down and stop making things happen in minutes where it should be hours, or seconds where it should be minutes.

    3. Unexplained specialness and appearance of legendaries.

    This is the big one. For some reason Lucas is treated as someone special, even though he has shown nothing except an aptitude for being a bit of a moron. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, he's granted the honour of raising a legendary, catches a pokémon easily, and is given a grand task by yet another legendary. Even though he is inexperienced and basically useless at this point. There is no reason given why they would choose him over actual competent trainers who could do more than possibly starving his pokémon to death because he cannot grasp the concept of 'food'.

    Stus are frowned upon. If a character is so special that nothing can go wrong, then no one is going to like him or be able to relate to him. No one likes people who get things handed to them on a silver platter even though they've done nothing to warrant this. Nor is it realistic in the long run. Be careful.

    All in all, this needs a lot of work. Good luck!
    Last edited by Silawen; 25th October 2008 at 4:16 PM. Reason: Tag issues.

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  8. #8
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    I think this is okay, but it is too based on the game, too rushed little to no description and, in my opinion, boring, lifeless characters. The story needs time to develop.
    nothing lasts forever, but this is getting good now.
    ~I've claimed Turtwig~

  9. #9

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    Meh, it's a bit too rushed, and there's little description. It has potential, but you really need to work on showing emotion. For instance instead of saying something like, 'He looked really mad.' you could say 'His nostrils flaired as he clenched his fists into tight balls, his knuckles turning white. The boy hunched over slightly as his piercing, glaring gaze cut straight through me.' As many have said, you need to put more life into the story. Make it seem too be happening right in front of you as you imagine it in your head. Granted, this is your first Fanfic I believe you said, but you could do so much more with the story, characters, and just overall feel of the story. Good luck with the rest of this, but I don't believe it will attract much positive attention until you improve.

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