Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: When a Promise Breaks (Rated PG-13)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Times of Grace
    Posts
    194

    Default When a Promise Breaks [Pokeshipping] (Rated PG-13)

    This here folks is a Pokeshipping fanfiction. Some of you might actually recognize this one. My sister and I have written this one a long time ago back when Pokeshipping was the big thing. Being able to write a fanfic kinda felt good, you know? When I looked back at this one, I decided to give it a remixing and remastering. I've been working hard at this for a while and now, I can be able to give you guys a few chapters to read. Some of the stuff has been altered from the original so you may recognize some changes. Back then, it was just making this fic because it's something to do, but now, I wanted this fic to be more serious so it can be appretiated more. There will be more soon, but for now, I will give you two remastered chapters to read. Don't be afraid to ask any questions about this fanfic.

    PG-13 for some violence, crude language, sexual themes.

    Reader discretion advised

    When a Promise Breaks

    Ash/Gary - 16
    Misty - 18
    Brock/Tracey - 21

    Part 1 - Retribution

    It was a nice summer night and Ash, Misty, Brock, and Tracey were sleeping. The breeze is nice and the night sky is bright. Everything is all peace and quiet; that is until this one particular person made the wrong move.

    "What are you doing?!?!?" Misty shouted at Ash as she moved away from him. "Uhhh...." Ash turned red as he was rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. Brock, Tracey, and Pikachu woke up from the noise and noticed what was going on: Ash had given Misty his little surprised he had planned. There was an awkward silence. Then finally Ash broke the silence. "I’m sorry, Misty…I guess I didn't what I was doing..."

    "ASH KETCHUM!!! YOU DID KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING!!!!"

    "Misty wait! I can explain it!!"

    "Explain it to someone who cares!!!!!" And with that, Misty quickly packed up her things and walked away towards Pallet Town. It was now about 6:30 in the morning and everyone was fully awake by now. Brock and Tracey looked at Ash in confusion.

    "Well, at least you got to kiss her..." Tracey said sheepishly.

    "It didn't go as well as I expected it to..."

    "Hey, Ash. Don't feel bad. She'll get over it." said Brock comfortably.

    "Pikachu...(Don't feel guilty...)

    "O.K..."They also packed up their stuff and went to catch up with Misty. The place where they had camped for the night wasn't so far from Pallet so they would get there shortly. They soon have sight of the redhead and was about to run up to her but Ash remembered what he did earlier this morning. They reached Pallet Town and Misty, instead of going to the Ketchum residence, headed for the beach. So Ash, Brock, and Tracey took a quick change in to their bathing shorts and followed Misty without her knowing. She set up her stuff near the water and just lay down on her towel relaxing. Ash, Brock and Tracey set up their stuff not too far from Misty. Ash was still sulking and feeling guilty about what he did. He was drawing figures in the sand and drew the word 'Misty' with a heart around it. He stared at it for a while then broke out of his trance as he heard a way-too-familiar voice. He looked up. It was Gary! And he is talking to Misty.

    "Hey Misty! So where are your loser friends?"

    "I ditched them...I mean Ash did something to make me mad so I kinda left them for now..."

    "Well...since you’re not hanging out with them anymore...wanna join me?"

    Misty thought a while, about how she would look in a cheerleading outfit with pom-poms and all. Then she suddenly noticed Ash, Brock and Tracey in the distance listening to the whole conversation. Misty thought of something quick.

    "Uhhh…I'll go with you!"

    "WAAAAA!!!" Ash said in shock. Brock and Tracey just had their jaws dropped. And Pikachu just cannot believe what is happening.

    "Great! So come on! What are you waiting for?!" said Gary

    "Oh" Misty quickly packed up her stuff and followed Gary to his red Corvette with all his cheerleaders. Ash, Brock, Tracey, and Pikachu watched as Misty drove off with Gary and the rest of his cheerleaders.

    "Come on!! We have to follow Gary!!" said Ash. So they packed up their stuff as quick as they could and followed Gary to an expensive hotel. There were gates in front of the hotel and security guards on each end of the gate. They let Gary and everyone else in. Then they saw Ash, Brock, and Tracey attempt to go through the gates.

    "I’m sorry, young man. You don't have permission to enter," one of the security guards said.

    "But I need to get in!!" Ash shouted.

    "No can do..."

    "Go home now!"

    So the group pretended to head home but instead, hid in the bushes in the parking lot. They snuck through the gates by hiding in the back of a truck while it was getting checked. They had gotten through the gates and went inside the lobby.

    "Welcome! How many rooms will you need?"
    "Uhh…" Ash looked at Brock and Tracey. "One room please..."
    "O.K. Here are your keys, Sir! Have a good night!"
    "Umm...Ash, tell me why we only got one room?"
    "Because the rooms here are really expensive, Tracey!"
    "Oh, right. I knew that."

    "O.K. Here's the room! Room 218." Ash slides the key into the slot and opens the door. There are two beds in the room, one consisting of a water bed. The group drop their stuff down and sat on the beds facing each other. Pikachu felt like taking a nap so he chose the water bed.

    “Look Ash, don’t feel bad about yourself,” said Brock. “I’m sure Misty will learn to forgive you.” “Besides,” adds Tracey, “That kiss you gave her should make her less of a monster towards you.”

    “Yeah…I wish.”

    “Cheer up, old pal. You just need to find her and talk to her. I mean, she is somewhere in this hotel,” Tracey said.

    “Somewhere in this hotel with Gary…” corrected Brock.
    Last edited by The Horizon; 14th November 2008 at 4:53 PM.
    My Music Playlist

    Lost in a sea of sadness
    Blind in this place of darkness
    If I fall, would you be there to raise me up?
    Or will I be the forgotten one?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Times of Grace
    Posts
    194

    Default

    Part 2 - Inveracity

    (In Gary's room with Misty)

    "So Misty, what did Ashy-boy do to make you leave?"

    "...I really don't want to talk about it..."

    "He's a real jerk unlike me, you know?" said Gary.

    Being a narcissistic creep that he is, Misty looked at Gary and sweatdropped. Then she went to the balcony and was looking at the view. Gary then took Misty by the arm and led her to the bedroom. Misty followed anxiously. Gary closed the door behind them and locked it. He sat on the bed and patted the space next to him.

    “Man, she's got a great body...and nice legs…” thought Gary. Misty slowly walked to the bed and sat next to Gary. Then he leans closer to Misty and she was moving away from him, but Gary moves closer and closer and Misty moves farther each time until they both eventually hit the wall. Then Gary leans in to kiss her.

    "Gary, what are you doing?!"

    "What I've always wanted to do!"

    Misty tries to resist, but Gary has hold of her wrists. He started kissing her again and unbuttoned her shorts. Misty was frantically trying to get him off, to pull him away, anything to stop him. But it was no use. She was trapped. All she could do was shout for help. Gary has already taken off her shorts and is now taking off her suspenders. Gary had stopped kissing her to take them off and Misty screamed for help.

    (In Ash's room)

    There was a noise that woke everybody up from across the hall.

    "No Gary!! Stop it you ba-!!!"

    "That sounds like Misty,” said Ash. “Come on guys!"

    The group ran out of their room to the room they heard it from Room 221.

    "Misty?!" Then they heard her voice again.

    "Help somebody!! Get off me you son of a bi-!!!"

    Ash tries to open the door but it was locked.

    "Dammit!" Ash looked around and saw Pikachu. "Pikachu! Try your Thundershock on the lock!"

    “Pikachu“. (You got it.)

    Gary hears Ash's voice and takes Misty in the closet to hide. He hand gags Misty so she doesn’t make a sound. Misty tried to take Gary’s hand off her mouth so she could scream, but his grip was too strong. Pikachu finally gets the door unlocked and the gang gets through.

    "Look. There's Misty's clothes!" Ash ran to the bed. "Holy crap! Gary was raping her!"
    "Why that son of a *****," said Brock. "We've gotta find them, Ash!"

    "They're hiding somewhere. I know it," Ash said confidently. So they looked in the room. The closet Gary hid in is blended with the wall, so it was hard to find them.

    "Did you guys find anything?"

    "Nothing Ash," said Tracey.

    "Nothing…why, Gary?" Ash starts clenching his fist in anger and ponders the fate of his best friend if he is not able to find her. Misty is deep in thought.

    “If I get out of this mess, I have to tell Ash how I feel…even if he doesn't feel the same…”

    They took her clothes and left. The only thing left on Misty was her shirt, and her underwear. Gary waited for a few seconds and came out of the closet.

    "So let's continue now, shall we?"

    "You son of a *****!!" To stop Misty from screaming, Gary quickly kissed her as he was going to take off her shirt when Ash, Brock and Tracey entered the room!

    "Stop right there Gary Oak!!!"

    Gary is quick to stand up and now holds Misty in front of him with his arm around her neck.

    "Well, well, well...decided to come back for your girl, old pal?"
    "What's it to you? Let her go!" said Ash.
    "Not yet! You're gonna have to fight me to get her back!"
    "I said let her go, Gary!!"
    "Take me on a Pokemon battle and you can have her back."
    “A Pokemon battle?”
    "What do you say, pal?”

    Ash and Gary are now staring at each other not moving an inch. Gary still has his arm around Misty’s neck and wearing a smile on his face. He now waits for an answer from Ash.
    My Music Playlist

    Lost in a sea of sadness
    Blind in this place of darkness
    If I fall, would you be there to raise me up?
    Or will I be the forgotten one?

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Where my Dragon Army is...
    Posts
    466

    Default

    It's good.
    No spelling mistakes.
    proper Grammar.
    A nice plot.
    Can't wait till the next chapter.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    At the end of the Rainbow~
    Posts
    242

    Default

    W-Wow.

    Gary is a beast (The bad kind)

    Very good.
    Heart Gold!
    Ho-ohRocks201's PokePet

    Blaze! the level 69 Typhlosion!


    It's you and me, Typhlosion!

    Ho-oh, I'm coming for you!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    1

    Default

    The plot's okay, but I can't help noticing you switching back and forth between present and past tense. Maybe you wanna go through n fix that?

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    GameStop, waiting for HG/SS
    Posts
    82

    Default

    Erm, that was... different. In a good way. Like junh said, you need to work out the difference between past and present tense.

    He said this and she did this. is in past tense. It means something has happened.

    He says this and she does that. is in present tense. It shows something that is happening right now.

    Otherwise, this is pretty good! Keep up the good work!
    Pearl FC:
    4897 3709 5343


    Platinum FC:
    5069 9810 4956


    Click here to join the Dragon Pokémon Fan Club!

    My sprite shop:*salpsprites*



    YAAY!

    This-cat-is-cat-a-cat-good-cat-way-cat-to-cat-keep-cat-an-cat-idiot-cat-busy-cat-for-cat-20-cat-seconds-cat.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    GameStop, waiting for HG/SS
    Posts
    82

    Default

    Erm, that was... different. In a good way. Like junh said, you need to work out the difference between past and present tense.

    He said this and she did this. is in past tense. It means something has happened.

    He says this and she does that. is in present tense. It shows something that is happening right now.

    Otherwise, this is pretty good! Keep up the good work!
    Pearl FC:
    4897 3709 5343


    Platinum FC:
    5069 9810 4956


    Click here to join the Dragon Pokémon Fan Club!

    My sprite shop:*salpsprites*



    YAAY!

    This-cat-is-cat-a-cat-good-cat-way-cat-to-cat-keep-cat-an-cat-idiot-cat-busy-cat-for-cat-20-cat-seconds-cat.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Times of Grace
    Posts
    194

    Default

    To anybody who had already done their feedback here, they really don't help much other than the fact that the story is pretty good. If you're going to rate and review fanfics, I need details. Say what's good and what's bad. Do you know the saying "support your details"? Some of you have said that I made a couple of mistakes, but you never pointed them out. I need your eyes and your words to help me out with this fic so it can come out better.

    As for this fanfic, it will be a while until I release another chapter because I am working on something else for a special event. You're probably gonna have to wait until December.
    My Music Playlist

    Lost in a sea of sadness
    Blind in this place of darkness
    If I fall, would you be there to raise me up?
    Or will I be the forgotten one?

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •