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Thread: Sky Fly ,PaDl, CS, AAML, Shootsdownshipping (G)

  1. #1
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    Default Sky Fly ,PaDl, CS, AAML, Shootsdownshipping (G)

    Okay, this is not my first fanfic, but is the first on serebii. This story contains:
    Ikarishipping, Contestshipping, Pokeshipping, and Shootsdownshipping, and is rated G.
    Any comment is (usually) appreciated!
    By the way, I'm trying to be original. Don't you just hate those stories: Event-confess-kiss. Doesn't that happen wayyyyy toooo often? This story is about when Ash, Misty, Drew, May, Paul and Dawn (my favorite but overrated ships) go to Florida, but this is more of a part one, beacuse there is a cruise ship part as well, but that'll be in a new thread. And, this is also inspired by my love of travel;it's so exciting!
    Here's the first chapter, but it's more of a prolouge.

    All Systems Go! Headed for Florida

    Disclaimer: It’s too bad I can’t think of anything witty to say. But, ask yourself this. Do you think I’d own Pokemon?

    A/N: This story is also posted in FF.net.

    Misty’s Pov

    Yup. Today’s the day. When we go to Florida. Fort Laurdale, to be exact. Why is that? Because we’re cruising on the Princess Caribbean (derived from Caribbean Princess), which is docked in that particular town. All eight of us. But first, the flight there, I can barely keep in my seat. I hope I can confess to Ash while sailing. I mean, seriously. A beautiful luxury liner, gorgeous fixtures, spas, chocolate on our pillows every morning (shhhhhh! Don’t tell May!), Live theatre-
    Honnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk!
    There’s Drew. He offered to drive us all. He’s not so bad once you get to know him.

    I stride confidently to the vehicle, proudly showing off my new outfit. Yes, I know I’m usually not a fashionista but it is a special occasion. I wore pinkwash capri jeans, with capri leggings underneath. My top was cap-sleeved, orange and yellow with a bow belt.

    I board the car, err, van. Inside are Ash, Zoey, Paul, Drew, a sock monkey (what?), Kenny, Dawn and I. Two bags per person. Now all we had to do was pick up May.

    We veered through the streets, twisting and turning. Cows flew by our windowsills; and power lines, hay barrels, wetlands, a Meowth balloon (I think Jessie, James and Meowth quit), and sign that said thanks for visiting, and come again soon. Soon May’s two story was within sight.
    Between the whirring, tension and excitement builds up,even though no one utters a single words.

    Drew parked on the driveway. May’s face peered through the window, soon lit with a bright smile.
    Suddenly the front door bursts open, to reveal May. But she isn’t the same. This May has a short white tennis skort, flaunting her long legs. Her top sported awful cute puff sleeves, colour, a hot pink with blood red doodle hearts. The waist tightly hugged her body, waistline a deep V. A shiny gloss smothered her lips. Gee, for a tomboy, I know a lot of fashion terms. Drew’s mouth hung agape, while I suppressed a light giggle. Dawn and I smile knowingly at each other.

    Zoey’s POV
    I think this van could be mistaken for a zoo. Ash and Misty fighting in their seats, Dawn attempting a civil conversation with Paul, not listening, Drew driving, yet managing to bicker with May all the same.
    At the twenty minute mark, we reach the airport. Grunting under the weight of the suitcases, the boys try to pile all our luggage into one cart. But that’s like trying to divide a pie into ten slices equally without slicing in half first. Impossible. After ten minutes I finally suggest to load it into two luggage carts. The turning doors rotate, it’s mesmerizing, as if inviting us in. As we enter the airport, I feel the excitement beginning…

    That's the end of the beginning (sounds really weird). I hope it's long enough.
    Please tell me what you think and be honest. (Don't say "OMG i lovd it".)
    Last edited by Plusle+Minun; 5th December 2008 at 5:44 AM.
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  2. #2
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    I saw your post in the Shipping Author's Cafe and I felt some sudden impulse to check out your writing. I completely agree that a fic shouldn't be just 'event-confession-kiss-wow, we r so totaly cannon nao!' Anyway, a travelling fic sounds fun.

    Right first off. This is too short. A fic must be at least a page long. Don't be afraid to just expand on all the details. The setting, the mood, the emotions of the characters, their thoguhts and opinions, what they do, how they do it, what they say, how they say it.

    Scenarios can be expanded too. What conversation and stuff was exchanged while they were going around pciking up the gang. It can really boost the mood, you know? Nothing sets you up more for a trip than the excitement that builds around it. The characters could be talking about what they want to do on their holidays, gossip over what coukd possibly happen.

    You could also try to set the scene and the characters with where they're at, their current development (aka character quirks that could do with development throughout the fic and more) and their relationships with the others. Also the fact that Shinji (Paul) is willing to go with the gang on holiday surprises me in itself, actually. XD;

    One more thing to point out is that the POVs while fun, should only be changed when seriously needed. The switch from Kasumi to Nozomi seemed unnecessary as the change didn't bring in any new dimensions, thoughts, feelings or even plots and happenings that only a certain character can see. So yeah, try not to make POV changes too often as it can also be annoying to the reader too.

    Ack, all this criticism, but you seem like a type who's ready to learn so uh, I hope what I said makes sense, and I'll be keeping an eye on this one! 8D

  3. #3
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    good start in my first read-through i only found one mistake

    Because we’re cruising on the Princess Caribbean (deprived from Caribbean Princess)-i think you mean 'derived', not deprived.

    other than that it seemed well written, if not very long. i'll be looking forward to part 2
    and i agree with mel-girl. why is paul there willingly? :P
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    Credit to HikariTajiri - Thank you very much!

    Shadow disappeared off the face of the earth.

    Paired with Sonic Boom, twins with Pearl's Perap

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    Whoopise. Okay, first of all, I PMed this to Encyclopika and she said the length was fine.
    I also do think I could expand more, but I won't edit this one, I'll just add it to the next chapter, which I think I will combine, because I write short chapters.
    Thanks for your comments, but even though I know switching POVs is confusing, I kinda think it is interesting, and I'll try to do it to add more views.
    Yes, I made a mistake in derived. We all make those stupid mistakes (epsecially when I have math tests).
    Oh, and one more thing, Dawn begged Paul to go.
    Thanks.

    EDIT: Here's my new chapter:

        Spoiler:- New Chapter or spoiler:

    Just kidding. What kind of story would that be? I have the REAL next chapter up tomorrow.

    EDIT: A lot sooner than I expected.

    Security
    Disclaimer: No, neither Pokemon nor weird, crazy references from “The Sea of Monsters” or Greek mythology.
    Note: I apologize for the crazy tenses.

    Drew’s POV

    As the gang entered the airport, I knew it was going to be an exciting trip, not without its twists and turns. My stomach just wouldn’t rest, millions of Beautifly flapping around in the intestine playground. We heave through the thick crowds. Finally our group reaches the Northwest airlines counter.
    The receptionist greeted us, and began explaining the precautionary details, and I listen intently, as, who knows? I may need that info later. She started to take our bags, and apply the usual tags with our flight numbers. Then the poor little bags made their way down the super-slow conveyer belt, heading toward the baggage department of the plane. Then we continued along, having already purchased our flight an interesting vacation. The carts were trucking along, pushed by Paul, begged by Dawn, and me. We had purchased our tickets online, so we skipped the ticket purchasing booth. We sauntered through many busybodies. As we neared the flight gates, I heard somebody call,
    “A thousand curses on Nobody!” Naturally, May was her cute, confused, or confuzzled, as she says, self, so I explained it.

    “Polyphemus, a Cyclops, was tricked and stabbed in the eye by a young hero, Oddysseus. He was tricked with the name Nobody. “
    As I finished my explanatory sentence, the voice gleefully called,'
    “Failed! Nobody failed!”
    I smacked my forehead but re-smacked when Ash joined in,

    “Nobody (as in no one) failed! We all passed!” Sometimes you really have no idea as to what others are doing.
    I check the television screens, displaying our fight numbers and gates and such.
    I notice Misty doing the same. Here’s what I find: Fight number 247, Gate E24. Directly to Miami, connection to Fort Laurdale.

    “C’mon, guys!” Misty called. “Our plane leaves in an hour so we best get going!”
    The rest of us nodded heads and I flicked my hair, so we trudged along to the security gates.
    Dawn’s POV
    I inhale deeply to calm my nerves as I draw near the beeping gate. I guess you could say I have some sort of phobia. Securitiphobia, maybe.
    Whenever I hear the beep-beep my heart accelerates and I jump three feet. Okay. We’re drawing near. Loading carry–ons into those bins…backpacks, purses, change. I reluctantly sling off my hot pink kitten peeptoes and toss them in the nearest cream-coloured bin. Let’s get this over with.

    I hesitantly place one foot after the other, until I reach the metallic red laser flashing gate. Sweat pours down by the gallons on my forehead. I push myself through, and start an inner celebration when my turn is silent.

    Just then, the lights flash as if trying to save its life. The beep cues. I frantically search my pockets, coins, keys, anything! I’m a mess! Where! Where is it! This is a nightmare, one I’d never dreamed! Here comes the guard! What is it! Hyperventilating. BREATHE! Calm down, it’s alright. Everything’s fine. Fine. The scanner is doing its job, scanning my body. When he reaches near the cuff of my jeans, on the side, I remember. The beep goes off. My zipper! On this side of my flare-style jeans, a small zipper is there.
    Everyone else passes without incident, so we head off.

    May’s POV
    After the security incident, everything goes smoothly. We travel down the hallways, keeping an eye on the gates. Suddenly I have this weird feeling…

    “AH! I have to go!” I nearly scream.

    “Go where?” Ash ponders aloud.

    “You know where!” I shout back.

    Ash blinks. “I do?”

    “You know the bathroom” Zoey tells him.
    I start to dance around wildly, like at a ritual or something, only with my hands on my jeans. Drew chuckles softly, but I have good hearing. In response, I ‘hmph’.

    “Okay then, go.” Paul simply replies on my jig.

    “But I don’t wanna go alone. The airport is big.” I whine.
    Zoey sighs. “Fine. I’ll go.”
    I jump up and down, partly because of my urge to need to use the latrine.

    “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” My words come out as a jumble
    Zoey and I dash towards the women’s restroom, which was quite a ways away. I enter the airport lavatory, which was quite neat. Automatic paper towel dispenser, auto soap dispenser, motion-detected taps. It was an automated wonderland.
    EXERT
    Diary,
    When May came out, I’m thinking. It’s a long way back, and we start to talk.
    Flashback


    “That’s better!” May exclaimed as she exited the washroom.

    “Okay, let’s go,” Zoey replied.
    They walked in silence, drowned in the light blue of the walls, for about thirty seconds, until May turned around seriously.

    “I-I need some advice, Zoey,” the brunette explained nervously. “I really like Drew, but I have no idea how to let him know. Can you help?”

    “I have yet to get Kenny,” Zoey laughed, “how can I help you?”

    “Don’t you read those stories where people get together? May pointed out.

    “Well, yeah, but those usually involve materials we don’t have on hand.”

    “Like?”

    “Oh, the usual. A radio station, unrecognizable phone number, gym equipment, and a lot of girl and guy friends. Throw in a restaurant of two.”
    May stood there, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

    “Hmm… we could do that…you know, the cruise. There’s bound to be everything we need.”

    “You’re right, a restaurant, we could get Dawn and Misty plus the guys to help. A new number…”

    “They have public phones.”

    End Flashback.
    Misty and Dawn come. A plan is made.
    End Exert.

    End Chapter.

    Okay. That wasn't the longest, and I switch POV's a lot (it was two separate chapters before), but right now, it's 10:00 PM and I have to go, so, I'll revise
    this tomorrow.


    Just to tell you, I updated so fast because the chapter was already typed up.
    Last edited by Plusle+Minun; 6th December 2008 at 4:00 PM.
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  5. #5
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    Okay, sorry to say, but I won't have this chapter up for a loooonnnnngggg time. It'll be kinda lucky if I post this year.
    Christmas leaves everyone so busy.
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  6. #6
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    Yay, I'm the first one to post!

    You really shouldn't change the POV's to much, it makes the storie a little confusing. But otherwise, this is great. I can't wait for the next chapter. I want to know what that plan is, and if May confesses to Drew

    Sooooo exiting.
    Last edited by MayfanxD; 2nd January 2009 at 6:48 AM.
    My very first fanfic: Journey to Almo (Chapter 4 up)
    -A New region
    -New friends
    -New enemies
    -New Pokemon
    and a brand new adventure

  7. #7
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    Yes, I know.
    About the POVs: sorry, that was two chatpers, I didn't bother to change it.
    Anyway, like I said, the chapter will be up in 09. I'm working on a Christmas CS one-shot.
    If you want it:
        Spoiler:- Secret Santa:
    Last edited by Plusle+Minun; 11th December 2008 at 5:03 AM.
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  8. #8
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    Default Enjoy this Fic

    While you wait (and wait and wait and wait) please enjoy this story, typed in the reply box, with absolutley no originality, and no description (I couldn't bear to not have proper grammar and spelling.

    Yay A Contestshipping Story.

    It was a sunny day in Hearthome City. May woke up. She made her bed and brushed her teeth. Today was the contest day. She put on some clothes and went out of the Pokecenter. When she got to the contest hall she looked for Drew and there he was. He was sitting down in a chair and looking at the TV screen and they saw each other and waited in silence and then the MC came out and she said some guy named April was up first. She called out her Jigglypuff and told it to do some moves.
    Then later May was up.
    She called out her Skitty.
    "Take the stage!" she called.
    The judges rated her 8/10 then Drew was up he got rated 10/10.
    After the contest May said to Drew,
    "I need to talk to you," but suddenly Team Rocket came and took all the pokemon and Drew and May saved them from their evil clutches and then May told Drew she loved him and he loved her backand they kissed. The end.

    Wow. That was bad on purpose. I can think of a rewrite up until Team Rocket.
    I could give tons of crit, but this is for amusement. Maybe later I'll post a revised version. And please, don't review this.
    Last edited by Plusle+Minun; 18th December 2008 at 12:16 AM.
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  9. #9
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    Uh, a story and an unrelated drabble in one thread? I kinda believe that's a no-no. You don't have to post all the time just to let us know that we're waiting, cuz we already know that. Trust me, you can just come back to this thread and post when you have a new chapter instead of just coming back and forth saying the same thing when most people would get it the first time.

    Plus, there's a drabble thread starting up. If I were you, I'd post that mini-little thing there when it's up instead of bumping your story thread with that. No offense. Though I will say that the last sentence of that drabbley thing made me chuckle. XD Such rushedness, lol.

    Er, anyway, onto the review. XD

    Whoopise. Okay, first of all, I PMed this to Encyclopika and she said the length was fine.
    I also do think I could expand more, but I won't edit this one, I'll just add it to the next chapter, which I think I will combine, because I write short chapters.
    Thanks for your comments, but even though I know switching POVs is confusing, I kinda think it is interesting, and I'll try to do it to add more views.
    Yes, I made a mistake in derived. We all make those stupid mistakes (epsecially when I have math tests).
    Oh, and one more thing, Dawn begged Paul to go.
    1) Ah k, sorry about that. It just looked kinda short to me and I didn't bother checking just how long it was. XD;
    2) It's okay to switch POVs but try not to do it so regularly. Otherwise you don't really get enough feel for the characters when it's bumped up and changed so often. And it's distracting for the readers too, kinda. It is interesting to switch POVs, I'll agree on that. But yeah, keep this in mind: Not so often. For short chapters, I'd recommend two POVs. That way, you can flesh out and capture the perspective of two characters and not disrupt the focus.
    3) Okay, so Hikari begged him to go. I would've liked to have seen that scene actually XD. And look, that's notable information that could've been answered within the fic. Instead, we learn information by having to ask. Try to fill up plotholes, even ones as minor as why the heck Shinji bothers to go with the gang. Detail is key.

    Oh yeah, another thing to work on is balancing up the dialogue and description. It's okay to have plenty of description but that doesn't mean it has to be separate from the dialogue. I see lots of authors do this. Chunk of description, chunk of dialogue, chunk of description, chunk of dialogue and so on.

    Sorry, I'm such a criticism-type reviewer these days. XD I will note that you have good vocabulary, grammar and spelling, which is a plus. Can you space out of the paragraphs and stuff a bit more too?

    Like um... example:
    The rest of us nodded heads and I flicked my hair, so we trudged along to the security gates.

    Dawn’s POV

    I inhale deeply to calm my nerves as I draw near the beeping gate. I guess you could say I have some sort of phobia. Securitiphobia, maybe. Whenever I hear the beep-beep my heart accelerates and I jump three feet.

    Okay. We’re drawing near. Loading carry–ons into those bins…backpacks, purses, change. I reluctantly sling off my hot pink kitten peeptoes and toss them in the nearest cream-coloured bin. Let’s get this over with.
    Perhaps another thing to highlight those POV changes would be to do something like this: Drew's POV. That way it stands out and so quick readers won't overlook it by accident.

    Otherwise, take your time, good luck with updating and I can't wait to see the improvements!

    Adios!

  10. #10
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    awwwww come on its 2009!!!! pleeeeeez update. i think uve got something good going on here!!! wow that small story thing really waz bad!!! hehehe contstshipping 4eva!!!!!! i like dawn and paul too. im not a big fan of zoey and kenny though!!!! hehehe keep going!!! dont get stressed and keep a level head. try not to get writers block!!!


    peace out love lexie (///__^) <--------- emo dude!!!! (:






    <3 Vampire <3
    I'm black in a world of white.
    I'm death instead of living.
    I'm stabbed by both love and hate.
    My heart is ripped to peices,
    never to love again.
    I believe there is no heaven, only hell.
    There is no good, only perfectly masked evil.

    check out my contestshipping fic: Petalburg Highschool

  11. #11
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    Gak! Lexibee88, I had almost managed to get this banished from existence. I'll change the Fanfiction.net one, okay?

    For the rest of you, don't read, please! It's embarrassing how suckish the story is!
    Last edited by Plusle+Minun; 12th October 2009 at 4:33 PM.
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