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Thread: Pokemon XD: Iternal Darkness(PG13)

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon XD: Iternal Darkness(PG13)

    This fic is rated PG-13 for mild violence, launguage, and a disco afro travling through time.


    Chapter I: Old foe, new threat.



    Michael ran as fast as he could, he couldn’t let this thug catch up to him.

    “Seviper, Poison Tail!” A man yelled.

    The man was very large and muscular. He had a very large jaw, and a blonde Mohawk. He wore a biker’s jacket and torn denim jeans. He was following a large black snake with purple and red markings. It also had two giant red fangs and a bladed tail.

    The scream Michael was a terrifieing, traumatizing, almost like the sound of someone being stabbed, which kinda was because Seviper's tail penitrated his skin. He checked for blood, there was some, but not much. The hit may have hurt, but it wasn't serious. He deciced he would fight this chunk, and no holding back, either!

    “Zook, you better listen up you fat lard!” Michael yelled out with authority, “I’m tired of your crap! I chased you out of Orre four years ago and I’ll do it again! So I challenge you to a Pokémon Battle!”

    Zook smirked, “You’re on kid! I won’t even use Seviper!”

    “Fine, do what ever the hell you want, I don’t care! Ursaring go, teach this guy a lesson!” Michael yelled out.

    “Steelix, destroy him!” Zook cockishly called.

    The two threw a half red, half white ball that opened revealing a white light that took the form of a brown bear with white fur on it’s torso that looked like a ring, Ursaring. The other one was a large metallic snake with a large head, a long body made from steel rock; each one had spikes sticking out on the left and right sides.

    “I’ll let you start, since you’re only a kid,” Zook said mockingly.

    “Bad move, chunky! Ursaring, use Hammer Arm!” Michael called out to his Pokémon.

    Ursaring’s left paw began to glow a bright yellow as he charged towards Steelix.

    “Steelix, use Overheat!” Zook calmly cried out.

    “What?!” Michael yelled out in astonishment.

    “That’s right, Overheat!” Zook’s smirk stretched from one ear to another.

    “But Steelix can’t learn Overheat!”

    “They can now!” Zook replied.

    Steelix glowed a bright red as it let of an extreme amount of heat, burning Ursaring.

    “Ursaring, are you okay?!” Michael yelled

    “Heh, there’s no way that Ursaring’s gonna win this time around, kid!” Zook mocked as Ursaring endured the pain inflicted by the burn wounds on his body.

    Michael smiled and spoke, “You think a little burn will stop me from winning? I don’t just go all out, I strategize. Ursaring, use Hammer Arm!”

    Ursaring did as he was told and raised his arm in the air and ran at Steelix again. When he was within range he trusted his arm down on Steelix’s body, severely damaging it.

    “So you took your Pokémon’s ability into account, you’re a genius now!” Zook mumbled.

    “That’s not all I have in store for you,” Michael held a Poké Ball in his right hand as he said this, “Ursaring, use Hyper Beam!”

    Ursaring placed his hands in front of his chest and a white ball of energy built up inside of the gap between them. Then when the ball grew to about the size of Ursaring’s paws, it shot out a white beam of light that hit Steelix right between the eyes. Steelix then fell to the ground with a loud bang that shoke the land and made an indent in the ground. Zook then pointed a Poké Ball at him and placed it on his belt.

    “Your good kid, but I’ll tell you this, Cipher maybe no more, but I’ve been around; this will not be the last time you see me, the next time you see me well be…” he cut himself off like he wasn’t supposed to say something, but he continued “… Soon. That’s when I’ll strike!” He then ran off towards the south.

    “Soon? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Michael asked him self.

    Michael had been training near the abandoned Outskirt Stand, where he left his bike when Zook attacked him. He has no clue which way he went, but luckily he had a map installed on his PD*A. He hadn’t gone far, but Orre’s desert was hot an unforgiving, making it hard to find your way around with out dying of a heat stroke. After what seemed like an endless amount of time, he finally saw his bike, but it was beat up. He immediately knew Zook was behind this somehow.

    “Idiot!” Michael yelled as he went inside the Outskirt to get some shade.

    He sent an email to Professor Krane to come get him. Krane was like a father to him, ever since his father died. He helped him, his sister Jovi, who was now in her early teens, and his mother, Lily through tough times. He returned the favour eight years ago.

    ~Flashback~

    “Michael, you’re here!” Professor Krane cried.

    “Like, who are you?” Asked a tall skinny, teenage girl with long pink hair.

    “I was about to ask you the same question,” Michael replied.

    Michael was only ten at the time, and he was on a mission, snag and purify all the Shadow Pokémon from the newly revised Cipher.

    “I’m Lovrina, the Cipher Admin. And if you don’t tell me how you are I’m going to be like so mad!” Lovrina replied.

    “Admin? You’re only like a few years older then me! The rumours are true, Cipher is crap!” Michael replied again.

    “You’re cute, but you’re staring to get me mad! We’re battling!”

    “Espeon, you know what to do,” Michael said to his newly evolved Pokémon.

    “Delcatty!” Lovrina yelled.

    Michael’s snag system activated, Delcatty was Shadow.

    “Espeon, use Confusion!”

    “Shadow Rush, Delcatty!” The girl yelled.

    When the smoke cleared Espeon was standing and Delcatty was not.

    “Snag Ball!” Michael yelled as he threw a Poké Ball from the machine on his left arm. The ball shoke a few times, then dinged, conforming the capture.

    “Oh! I hate rotten kids like you!”Lovrina squealed.

    “Tch severs you right!” Michael yelled.

    Lovrina squealed again but mumbled, “But he sure is cute though!”

    Lovrina took off and dropped a Disc.
    Krane grabbed it and he and Michael took off out side.

    ~End Flashback~

    “Heh, I wonder what happened to that girl…” Michael said to him self as he sat down on a seat.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
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    Iternal...

    Do you mean International or Eternal.

    Anyways.

    The scream Michael was a terrifieing,
    So the kid became a terrifying scream?

    which kinda was because Seviper's tail penitrated his skin. He checked for blood, there was some, but not much. The hit may have hurt, but it wasn't serious
    I'm sorry. When did being a stabbing victim of a 2-4 foot long weapon suddenly become Merely a flesh wound. When did something so painful enough to make one scream in agony become something to suddenly laugh off and make you get down to serious buisness?

    Tsk tsk.

    “That’s right, Overheat!” Zook’s smirk stretched from one ear to another.

    “But Steelix can’t learn Overheat!”

    “They can now!” Zook replied.

    Steelix glowed a bright red as it let of an extreme amount of heat, burning Ursaring.
    No.... Steelix really can't. They can learn Explosion... but then again you'd probably describe it the same way..

    Oh and his pokemon is on fire yet miraculously is not roaring in pain?

    I can't force myself to read anymore, this is bad. This is horrible. You barely described anything- and when you did it was either out of place; ie describing poorly, the man and the seviper when an attack was called out.

    Another example; no description of the attacks outside of lulz glowing red Steelix! Or worse, the pokemon having no personality outside of rocks being chucked at one another.

    A third example; the characters having flat personality, thoughts, actions, poorly executed drama, being stabbed yet not being hurt all that much and probably more so if I had managed to get in further.

    Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors, go read some other stories, go read some books. Just listing off and flat out telling us things are not, how a story gets the picture across to people.

    Work on description/detail/depth. Put some heart and soul into it. Put some meat into the bones of this fic, make it come to life, show us the attacks. Show us the reactions.

    And take your time too :/

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