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Thread: She Just Smiles [Dungeon and Starships One Shot Entry]

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    Default She Just Smiles [Dungeons and Starships One Shot Entry]

    I was originally thinking about revising this one shot before posting this, but then I decided against it due to me being lazy. XD; Besides that, I also want to focus more on "Nothing, Everything." Why am I posting this anyways? Well, whatever constructive criticism you guys give me for this story I hope to learn from it and to improve my writing. Seriously, this fic does have many flaws. XD;

    To tell you the truth, even though I enjoyed writing this story, I was feel weird writing one about Cyrus...^^; I think I butchered his character. ._.;

    Enough rambling! Hope you guys enjoyed this fic I entered in the Dungeon and Starships Contest, which won fifth place. Also, thanks to duncan, I.C. Ghost, and Blue Angel (from PokeCommunity Forums) for betaing and looking over this story!

    Oh, one thing to make clear: Cynthia in this story is not the same one as Sinnoh Champion Cynthia! XD

    She Just Smiles

    Various robots and machines he had created covered his room. Many of his robotic Pokémon walked slowly and made click clack noises, each one looking exactly like their real counterparts. The digital clock on the wall not only flashed 11:30 am but also said in a calm voice, “Lunch ready in half an hour.” Many unfinished inventions scattered all over the place.

    Two siblings were putting the finishing touches on a robotic Growlithe. A younger girl screwed the last bolt on the leg while the teenage boy did the same on the left side of the jaw. After they finished, the brother bent down and petted his little creation, the Growlithe’s orange fur very soft. He grinned when he heard the dog panting and wagging its fluffy tail.

    “We did it, Cyrus!” the girl cheered and then clapped. “Say a command, say a command!”

    Cyrus grinned, his pearly white teeth showing. “Sit!”

    The robotic dog sat down. The sister clapped again and she saw her brother’s beady eyes twinkle. Cynthia petted its white ruffle, rewarding it for obeying; the Growlithe responded with happy barks.

    “Now, Flamethrower!”

    The robot growled softly and spit out a tiny flame, causing Cynthia to clap again. She then walked closer and messed the boy’s bushy hair. Her hand felt smooth but cold like steel. The boy laughed and stroked her hair. It felt silky, too silky.

    “Glad you like it, Cynthia. We worked very hard on making these Pokémon robots.”

    “I know,” Cynthia said, her voice carrying a slow but sweet tone. She grinned like a Barbie doll.

    Cyrus gazed at his sister’s big eyes and chuckled. He may be able to create Pokémon robots, but he was still dazed and confused that he made Cynthia, his greatest creation yet.

    ***

    Outside at the backyard, two women were at the porch drinking tea. Cynthia and Cyrus were kicking a soccer ball to each other, both laughing and screaming.

    “So Kim, how’s Cyrus doing at school?” the older lady asked after she finished drinking.

    The younger woman’s hands shook while she held her cup. She stared at Cynthia and Cyrus, and saw the boy kicked the ball gently. Cynthia ran and kicked it back, hard. Kim gulped and felt a huge lump inside her throat. She then gazed at her friend Kathy, believed the wrinkles on her face showed maturity and wisdom. She was glad to have a friend by her side, even during her most stressful moments.

    “He’s doing really well, as always,” the mother replied with a fake smile.

    Kathy had her eyebrows furrowed and she moved slightly forward to get a better look at her friend. She saw her friend’s blue hair having some gray roots already.

    “Is something troubling you?” she asked with concern and confusion.

    Kim sighed but managed to keep her smile. Nowadays, any mention of Cyrus made her all tingly inside. Before she spoke, she put her cup down on the table.

    “It’s about Cynthia. I can’t believe he created her so perfectly. And he’s only thirteen, too! ”

    She sighed once again and reflected on her thoughts. Two years ago Cyrus’ younger sister, Cynthia, died from illness at the age of ten. Before her death, the two would always create machines and robots together. When death took her, Cyrus mourned for almost a month and would always yelled, “Why did she have to die?” Kim thought her son would never get over his sister’s death until he proclaimed he would make an artificial version of her, which got her worried.

    “A robot?” Kim asked in distress, her mouth quivering.

    “Why not? That way Cynthia will always be with us!” Cyrus answered with a huge grin.

    Her eyes gazed at the broken vase. She just watered the roses a few minutes ago, but then after she heard the news, her elbow pushed the expensive gift, which dropped on the floor.

    “I don’t know…”

    “Come on! Maybe you’ll love her!”


    Now Kim tried to be supportive though, because she did not want Cyrus to get angry at her.

    He made her so that no illness would invade her body.

    While Kim was silent, Kathy gazed at her with deep concern, eyebrows furrowed. She knew about Cyrus’ creation of Cynthia and was shocked too. In the end though, Kathy was now okay with her, believing that robot was harmless.

    “How was he able to create her?” Kathy asked, breaking the silence.

    Kim screamed and threw her cup up in the air. When she turned around, her heart pounded rapidly. Kathy stared at her with a confused look on her face, seeing Kim’s eyes kept flickering.

    “Are you okay? Sorry that I scared…”

    “It’s fine. Just thinking too much about it,” Kim reassured with a huge sigh. “Anyways, I’m not exactly sure. He most likely got the parts online or something. That’s not my concern, though. I’m worried someone might destroy it. I try telling him that, but he just won’t listen.”

    Both ladies took a quick glance and saw Cyrus waving and screaming. The sister kicked the ball hard and the brother tried to kick it back, but it went past him and he fell down. Despite Cyrus being all dirty, he laughed. The mother shivered while her friend chuckled.

    “I won’t worry too much. True, many people in Sunyshore don’t accept Cynthia, but I’m sure they’re not thinking of destroying her. That would hurt the boy’s feelings.”

    “I hope you’re right,” Kim said with a forced grin and then had her head down.

    The mother tried to be hopeful that she would get used to the robot, but so far she was not able to. Thoughts about the robotic Cynthia alarmed her and it showed. She was never good bottling up emotions inside.

    ***

    Inside his well-lit study room, Rick grinned and laughed while looking at a blueprint of footbridges that connected a few small islands of Sunyshore City together. This was the first time he saw a plan that was a great idea.

    Genius.

    After the man folded the plans in half, he set it aside on his desk next to his books and pens. Rick turned around when he heard footsteps and saw Kathy.

    “Hi, Kathy! How’s the visit with Kim?”

    Kathy sighed. “She’s not herself again. Seriously Rick, I’m worried about her. One day she might go and destroy Cynthia. I keep telling her there’s nothing to fear.”

    Rick nodded but grinned, already thought of a new subject the two could talk about. “Hey honey, Cyrus showed me this.”

    Rick grabbed the blueprint and gave it to his wife. Kathy looked at it and gasped in amazement.

    “By gosh, footbridges that could be used as solar panels?”

    “Indeed. Cyrus wanted me to look at it and make sure everything’s all right. He’s planning to undertake this project once he gets older. I say, he’s a prodigy when it comes to machines and other inventions.”

    “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell her. Cyrus is very intelligent and he can be able to handle that robot fine.”

    Kathy slammed the blueprint down on the desk and then sat on the only couch in the room, her hands on her head. Rick gently touched her shoulders and kissed her cheeks.

    “Well, I think we don’t need to worry about either Cyrus or Kim. They’ll be fine,” he whispered.

    Kathy turned around and gave a slight smile. “You’re always the more optimistic one.”

    Rick chuckled and shook his head. “Well, we’ve always been understanding and helping them since they moved here, right?”

    ***

    Once in a while Cyrus and Cynthia would go out together in public. True, most people knew the real Cynthia passed away and that other Cynthia was a robot. They knew the boy had the talent to make one, but that's what scared them. Cynthia looked and acted like the original one. Perhaps in the future robots would take over human society. However, Cyrus ignored their criticism and worries.

    At the beach in Sunyshore City, both Cyrus and Cynthia walked slowly together, holding hands. His sister’s hand felt cold, but he did not shiver. Cyrus took a deep breath and grinned when the cold air went inside his nose. The robot tried to do the same, but shrugged when she smelled nothing.

    Everyone at the beach stared at them in horror and talked among themselves in hushed whispers.

    “Can’t believe he’s able to make that thing! I tell you, soon there’s going to be more of them!”

    “I know he loves robots and machines, but making one the same as his deceased sister is just creepy!”

    A couple kids saw Cynthia with wide eyes. They screamed and hid behind their parents.

    Cynthia heard the complaints and frowned. This was not the first time she heard people talking about her, but it still hurt Cynthia. Not in a million years would they accept her.

    “Cyrus, I think I’m not welcome here, again,” Cynthia whispered and then looked down towards the sand.

    Cyrus shrugged and laughed. “Don’t worry about them. They’re just jealous, that’s all.”

    Cynthia gave a tiny smile and nodded. “Okay, then.”

    The two halted and gazed at the sparkling ocean, the waves crashing on the sand and the rocks. Some Wingulls flew pass by and chirped. Both Pokémon and people were surfing, swimming or playing water fights.

    “Okay, let’s swim in the ocean right now!”

    Cyrus darted off with a cheerful scream. He halted halfway through though and frowned when he saw Cynthia not moving. “What’s wrong?”

    “I can’t be near water. I’m a robot, remember?” Cynthia answered in a sad but sweet tone.

    Cyrus laughed and his cheeks turned red. It was very embarrassing.

    “Sorry, forgot you’re a robot. Cynthia and I would play together at the beach.”

    Cynthia smiled and nodded. “I understand. Your sister must’ve been a very great person.”

    Cyrus gasped and clenched his fist. This was the first time in a while he thought about the real Cynthia. He enjoyed the robot’s company so much, he got over his sister’s death, and that was a good thing. No more worrying if she might help him with one of his inventions or go to the beach with him. There were some things this Cynthia would not be able to do, like swimming, but that was minor.

    After being quiet for a long time, Cyrus smiled. “Yeah, she is, but I got you.”

    Cynthia smiled and, without warning, hugged Cyrus. The brother looked at her with a stunned face.

    “I can hear your heartbeat,” she cooed. “I wish I can hear my own.”

    Cyrus gasped again and his eyes fluttered. His heart began beating harder and louder. That was another thing the robot Cynthia did not have, a heart. However, he smiled and kissed his sister’s forehead.

    “You don’t need one to live.”

    That was all Cyrus could say and that was all it took for Cynthia to sneak in a grin.

    Not too far from them, two older boys stared at both Cynthia and Cyrus in disgust. They felt their hearts beating in anxiety when they saw Cyrus’ beady eyes shone with glee and how Cynthia just smiled like a mindless drone. One of the boys shook his head.

    “Calvin, I fear more of her will come soon.”

    Calvin gasped and choked. “Really, Brian? Are you sure?”

    Brian glanced at Cynthia and heard her laugh. He shuddered and his eyes became huge.

    “I’m serious. That thing scares me.”

    Calvin stared at the robot and he too felt the chills. His fingers began twitching and he gritted his teeth.

    “Okay, you have a point there. But, what we’re going to do about it?”

    Brian grinned.

    ***

    The next night everyone was inside Kim’s bedroom. Mother and son were getting dressed up for a dinner party while Cynthia was watching and smiling.

    “Why can’t she come to the party?” Cyrus asked and halted trying to tuck in his tie.

    “She’s a robot, remember? I’m glad at least the Mikersons invited us, despite them being a bit fishy about Cynthia,” Kim answered while putting on her earrings.

    Cyrus jumped up and down in rage. “But mommmm!”

    Kim whipped her head the other way and gazed at Cyrus. Her breathing became louder.

    “No buts,” Cyrus’ mother warned as she poked her finger into his chest. “Cynthia’s not coming, and that’s that!”

    Cyrus pouted and continued finishing up by tucking in his tie. Cynthia still watched and smiled. Cyrus smoothed out the creases in his shirt. He looked up to see his mother’s examining eyes and a gentle smile curved below them.

    “My, aren’t you a handsome young man!” She began pinching his cheeks.

    “Mom, stop it!”

    Kim let go and grinned. “Sorry, you’re just so cute.” She took a glance at her watch and gasped. “Oh my, we must go now!”

    Kim grabbed Cyrus and before they were out of the room, the boy waved to Cynthia.

    “Bye, Cynthia! Be good!”

    The door was then slammed shut. Cynthia waved back, closed her eyes, and smiled.

    ***

    Two hours passed, Cyrus and Kim not back home yet. Cynthia was inside the boy’s room and staring at the robotic Growlithe. The little machine barked and wagged its tail. She just smiled and clapped, until…

    CRACK

    Shards of glass rained down on the floor and a rock dropped on the ground. Two boys did not hesitate to barge inside. Brian and Calvin looked around the place and both yelled when they saw a couple robots that looked like turtles beeping and coming towards them. Their eyes blazed red.

    “Grotle! Grotle!

    Both boys stomped on the two machines, causing them to malfunction. After that, Brain plucked out the machines’ bushes from their shells while Calvin took out their huge jaws. Cynthia watched and stared blankly at the two boys.

    “Excuse me, but who are you?”

    Both turned around and snickered.

    ***

    Fifteen minutes later, Kim and Cyrus got back from the dinner party. They walked up the stairs, talking about what happened at the party.

    “So did you like the food over there?” Kim asked while smiling.

    Cyrus shook his head. “Not really. Most of it was too salty. Also, who made the…”

    Kim hushed him and both heard banging noises coming from Cyrus’ room. The two felt their hearts pounding faster and they could not breathe. They tiptoed towards the room and the mother opened the door slowly. Kim screamed.

    All of Cyrus’ small robots and machines scattered everywhere, broken and unrecognizable. His computer and clock had cracks on it. The boys kept laughing while destroying one other robot with their hammers.

    “I’m going to call the police!” Kim yelled to her son as she ran out of the room.

    Cyrus’ eyes went wide and began to glisten. He took slow but deep breathes and his body swayed left and right, forwards and backwards.

    “What the hell are you doing to Cynthia?” Cyrus shouted.

    Both boys just grinned at him. They ignored him and went back destroying Cynthia. Cyrus immediately pulled his hair and roared. He darted towards Brian and punched him, the victim crashing on the floor hard. Calvin gasped and froze when Cyrus came closer towards him, his fist ready to strike.

    “Please don’t hurt me,” he stuttered while closing his eyes and covering his face.

    Cyrus kicked Calvin’s back and he fell to the ground. The boy began crying. Cyrus snickered and moved his right foot forward to kick Calvin again until…

    “Don’t you dare make another move on him!”

    Cyrus turned around and saw Brian got up, blood coming out from his nose. His hard stare made the two think he was ready to punch Cyrus. However, he motioned his hands in a leaving gesture.

    “Come on, Calvin. We don’t want to cause more trouble. We’ve done enough,” Brian told his friend in a calm manner.

    Calvin got up slowly and rubbed his back. Both boys then jumped out of the broken window and dashed away from the house. Calvin still cried.

    Cyrus gazed outside for a few seconds and then at Cynthia. Tiny electric sparks kept flying and making noises. Her body was ripped all over the place, steel and electric wires showing. Cynthia’s eyes did not move. There was still a smile on her face, though.

    Why would they do this? Cyrus thought while he clenched his fist.

    When Cyrus’ mother came inside, she rubbed her forehead. “Okay, I called the police and they’ll come any min...”

    Kim gazed at his son and lowered her eyes. She could tell from Cyrus’ shaking body and whimpering that he was deeply hurt. Despite not being fond of Cynthia, she knew how hard Cyrus worked on that robot.

    “Cyrus, I’m so sorry that your creation got destroyed.”

    “It’ll be impossible to fix her. The parts were one of a kind,” Cyrus just said.

    Wanting to make things better, Kim suggested while twitching her fingers, “How about getting a new one?”

    Cyrus’s shoulders rose up and his nostrils flared. He turned around and stared at his mother with bloodshot eyes.

    “I can’t make a new Cynthia just like that! I can’t replace her with a new robot!”

    Kim’s eyes flickered and her jaws dropped. “Well, you did with your real sister!” she shouted.

    She gasped and her eyes were wide, as she realized her mistake. Cyrus stared blankly at her at first, but not long after turned his back against her. The mother fidgeted her fingers, wondering if she had gone too far. However, she wanted to say that to him for a long time.

    “Cyrus, I’m sorry, but it’s true. Not long after Cynthia died, you made a robotic version of her.”

    “Don’t you love Cynthia, though? Don’t you want to see her again?” Cyrus asked quietly. He then closed his eyes.

    Kim felt she could not breathe, her heart being squeezed. She bit her lips and her shoulders became stiff. Screaming would lead to more arguing. After some time, Kim took a deep breath.

    “Honey, of course I do. However, the robot Cynthia can’t do what the real Cynthia can. She can’t think independently. She can’t even breathe. All she does is either smile or frown! That Cynthia doesn’t have a soul!”

    Cyrus’ eyes snapped open. He could hear his heart beating rapidly.

    “If you truly love Cynthia, then you would’ve been fine with the artificial version of her! You hated Cynthia, both of them!”

    Silence. Both mother and son stared long and hard at one another for quite sometime. No words could describe how much the two despised each other at that moment.

    Knock knock knock

    Kim turned her head for a second and then she glared back at Cyrus. “That’s the police. Wait right here.”

    After his mother left him alone, Cyrus just stood and looked around at his room. Everything he ever created got destroyed, including Cynthia who was in the middle. The way Cynthia was destroyed kept being repeated inside his mind.

    Why, why would they destroy her?

    She did not do anything wrong!

    Everyone hated her, though.

    Brian, Calvin, Kathy, my mother—all hated her.


    Something inside him then cracked.

    Cyrus bent down on his knees, screamed, and then kicked and stomped all of his destroyed inventions while laughing. Many of the Pokémon robots crashed on the walls and he hooted the loudest when he stomped on his sister. After Cyrus destroyed everything, his chest kept moving up and down but no heaving noises came out from him. Cyrus then laughed again. Anger, sadness, and confusion melted together, but the results were not good. His mental state was beyond repair like his creations. Not thinking clearly and with his emotions gone haywire, Cyrus went and jumped out of the window.

    A few seconds later, Kim came back in the room with two policemen behind her. Her eyes went wide when she did not see her son.

    “Cyrus? Cyrus!”

    While the police were out of the room to try to find Cyrus, Kim saw Cynthia’s body, more damaged than before, and then at the broken window. She knew what happened.

    “CYRUS!”

    ***

    Inside the bedroom, Kathy looked outside while her husband Rick read a book. Kim’s hair was a mess and she was talking to herself. She walked back and forth while her fingers twitched. The old lady sighed.

    Four nights passed by since Cyrus went missing. Many people either cheered or did not care. The police and a few kind people worked hard to try to find him, but so far nothing. It was hard for the old lady to see her friend going crazy, always asking someone if they had seen Cyrus. Just a few hours ago, she pinned posters of her son all over the city.

    When Rick saw his wife, he closed his book and took out his glasses. “Honey, something the matter?”

    Kathy turned around and gave a tired smile.

    “I’m just worried about Cyrus, that’s all.”

    Rick gave a toothy grin. “I think he’ll be fine. He’ll come back, trust me.”

    Kathy sighed. She turned to gaze at Kim again, still shaky and alone.

    “It’s just that I feel sorry for her. Now she has lost another child.”

    The husband stared at his wife, speechless. That melted right through him like an icicle that pierced his heart. Poor woman.

    After some time, he whispered, “Maybe you should go comfort her.”

    Kathy smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I should. Thanks.”

    The wife kissed her husband’s cheeks and then went out of the room. Rick sighed and then got out a blueprint from the desk. He felt his heart skip a beat.

    [i]That boy has so much potential. Why did he have to run away?

    ***

    The boy was at a beach at Route 213, gazing at the ocean. He took a deep breath and smelled the cold breeze, no smile on his face.

    It was a good thing Cyrus ran away. He needed to get away from the chaos at Sunyshore City. Some fresh air and a clearer mind would be good. The beach, any beach, was always a favorite place of his to relax and think about anything that stressed him out.

    For four nights Cyrus had been thinking about it. He loved—no, adored— Cynthia deeply, hence why he made an artificial form of her in the first place. That way, she still lived. No one, not even his mother, understood.

    ***

    “Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus…”

    Kim kept pacing back and forth while taking deep breaths. Her hair was a mess, but appearance was the last thing on her mind.

    Where’s Cyrus? I hope my baby’s all right!

    It was her fault her baby ran away. Maybe she should have been more open minded towards the artificial Cynthia. Things might be different if she had gotten to know her better. On the other hand, she knew that was not the real Cynthia.

    Tears welled up in her eyes. She had not been sad and scared since her daughter’s death. Now she was lonely, cold, and confused. Kim halted though when she heard footsteps, so she turned around and saw Kathy gazing at her with a stunned face.
    ***


    Sure, his mother hit it home of how Cynthia could not breathe and think like a human being. That was all right, though. Cyrus still loved how Cynthia’s hair felt like silk, how her voice was sweet like sugar, how she kept asking him questions, and how her smile brightened his day. She was like his younger sister—always happy, always cheerful. However, he began thinking. Sadness got him started into making her. Love got her destroyed.

    Emotions caused all of this.

    Oh how Cyrus wished his emotions were not obvious. He would not have been an easy target. Slowly, he realized how emotions could make people weak, at their worst. If someone saw you happy, you could be shot in an instant. Emotions caused stifle.

    The world would be better without emotions.

    ***

    “Kathy,” Kim stuttered. Her arms began shaking.

    Kathy just smiled and spread her arms wide. Kim did not hesitate to hug her friend tightly. While the mother cried, tears dripped on Kathy’s blouse. The elder woman shivered, her chest getting cold.

    “It’s my fault,” Kim whispered. “It’s my fault Cyrus ran away. Now I lost both of them.”

    Kathy hushed her and stroked her wet and sandy hair. “It’s not your fault. He’ll come back.”

    ***

    Now Cyrus decided emotions were only mere illusions. Things like happiness and sadness were not real. Everyone should discard them, or at least hide them. Only then he would be content towards the world he lived in.

    I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure no one feels pain like me when they lose someone.

    While watching the tides rolled in and out he saw his sister, silky soft hair and gleaming eyes. She smiled.



    He did not.
    Last edited by Bay; 20th December 2008 at 3:08 AM.


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  2. #2
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    This reminds me of the dilemma presented in 2001's A.I. I think this main character never really tried to convince himself that this Cynthia robot could love him, though. After her death, creating the robot was a way for him to completely deny the tragedy without ever having to really think about what he was doing. His emotional state must have always been "on eggshells", about to fall through to this dangerous place he winds up in by the end of the story.

    I thought at first that maybe he loved the robot more than his sister, given his reaction, but that's not it. His breakdown at the end is merely a culmination of pain he's been avoiding for more than two years, the weight of which is unbearable for his young heart. Destroying the robot was destroying his ability to fool himself into being okay with Cynthia's death. And if you don't have to cope, you never learn how.

    His quote at the end about how people should eschew their emotions, and the image of him trying to deny his own are especially sad and creepy. Would he rather a world of people resembling Cynthia or Cynthia v2.0?
    Taxonomy of the Heart
    Another fic - Foresight

    "When you're in your final moment and your life flashes before your eyes, it isn't for your entertainment, it's your subconscious hurling every relevant and pseudo-relevant experience you've ever had up into consciousness. It's saying 'try this! or this! or this! does what we learned here help?! ****!!'. So don't sit back and relax, take your last stand. Take your brain's emergency alarm and do something.

  3. #3
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    Now Cyrus decided emotions were only mere illusions. Things like happiness and sadness were not real. Everyone should discard them, or at least hide them. Only then he would be content towards the world he lived in.

    I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure no one feels pain like me when they lose someone.

    While watching the tides rolled in and out he saw his sister, silky soft hair and gleaming eyes. She smiled.
    and thus he becomes like he is today.
    great story but isn't cynthia the champion or is this a differnet cynthia?


    We have to keep running to the unseen end
    We may have never seen such restful days again
    Bury your despair deep in your heart
    Let your face show nothing but strength
    Ever onwards our tired wings carry us
    They'll never ever beat us down

    ~Credit to Lyniar for the amazing banner
    Lyrics from D. Gray Man Opening~

  4. #4

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    I can easily see why this won fith place. There's still room for improvement so I'll try to be as thorough as possible with the constructive criticism.

    First up is the spelling and grammar. I noticed a couple of things the betas probably missed. Besides that, there's quite a few nit-picking so read at your own risk.

    Various robots and machines he had created covered his room. Many of his robotic Pokémon walked slowly and made click clack noises, each one looking exactly like their real counterparts. The digital clock on the wall not only flashed 11:30 am but also said in a calm voice, “Lunch ready in half an hour.” Many unfinished inventions scatteredall over the place.
    I'll assume that there should be a were in between the two underlined words. Of course, it's also possible that the inventions were dispersing across the room as some of them are robots. It all depends on what you mean, it might just be a misunderstanding on my part.

    Two siblings were putting the finishing touches on a robotic Growlithe. A younger girl screwed the last bolt on the leg while the teenage boy did the same on the left side of the jaw. After they finished, the brother bent down and petted his little creation, the Growlithe’s orange fur very soft. He grinned when he heard the dog panting and wagging its fluffy tail.
    I think there should be a was between the two underlined words.

    Cyrus gazed at his sister’s big eyes and chuckled. He may be able to create Pokémon robots, but he was still dazed and confused that he made Cynthia, his greatest creation yet.
    The first nit-pick (of many). The underlined part makes it sound like the reason why he is dazed and confused is the fact that he even made the robot in the first place. I'd suggest changing made to something along the lines of managed to make as that implies that what he's surprised about is that he completed the process of making the robot, rather than making it seem like he's wondering why he made it in the first place.

    The younger woman’s hands shook while she held her cup. She stared at Cynthia and Cyrus, and saw the boy kicked the ball gently. Cynthia ran and kicked it back, hard. Kim gulped and felt a huge lump inside her throat. She then gazed at her friend Kathy, believed the wrinkles on her face showed maturity and wisdom. She was glad to have a friend by her side, even during her most stressful moments.
    Drop the -ed on the bolded word, kick alone is more grammatically correct in this instance.

    As for the underlined part, I don't know if this is nit-picking or not. The transition from Kathy to believed seems a little weird to me. I'd suggest adding another word after the comma, something like she would work.

    “He’s doing really well, as always,” the mother replied with a fake smile.
    Another nit-pick. A smile is a smile so it's not actually fake, per se. Maybe something like forced would work better?

    “It’s about Cynthia. I can’t believe he created her so perfectly. And he’s only thirteen, too!
    This was probably just an accident but there's an unnecessary space after the exclamation mark.

    She sighed once again and reflected on her thoughts. Two years ago Cyrus’ younger sister, Cynthia, died from illness at the age of ten. Before her death, the two would always create machines and robots together. When death took her, Cyrus mourned for almost a month and would always yelled, “Why did she have to die?” Kim thought her son would never get over his sister’s death until he proclaimed he would make an artificial version of her, which got her worried.
    This is another case whee the word doesn't need the -ed.

    Her eyes gazed at the broken vase. She just watered the roses a few minutes ago, but then after she heard the news, her elbow pushed the expensive gift, which dropped on the floor.
    I find this particular bit to be particularly pointless as the vase hasn't been mentioned earlier, and is never mentioned again. There are other ways to show that she is shocked. Although this is just nit-picking on my part.

    He made her so that no illness would invade her body.
    This part here is much like the above. This piece of information seems kind of redundant as the fact that she's a robot should already make her immune to all kinds of sickness in the first place. It also seems like quite a random thought for tthe mother toothink in such a situation.

    While Kim was silent, Kathy gazed at her with deep concern, eyebrows furrowed. She knew about Cyrus’ creation of Cynthia and was shocked too. In the end though, Kathy was now okay with her, believing that robot was harmless.
    More nit-picking. I'd change was to to be. Using was implies that it is the act of believing the robot what is harmless, rather than the robot itself.

    “I won’t worry too much. True, many people in Sunyshore don’t accept Cynthia, but I’m sure they’re not thinking of destroying her. That would hurt the boy’s feelings.”
    I think you meant wouldn't.

    The mother tried to be hopeful that she would get used to the robot, but so far she was not able to. Thoughts about the robotic Cynthia alarmed her and it showed. She was never good bottling up emotions inside.
    Even more nit-picking. I'd suggest adding at between the two words. It just sounds better. Although this is just an opinion as both are grammatically correct.

    Inside his well-lit study room, Rick grinned and laughed while looking at a blueprint of footbridges that connected a few small islands of Sunyshore City together. This was the first time he saw a plan that was a great idea.
    I don't remember very well but, isn't Sunyshore just one piece of land?

    As for the bolded part, it's just another (you guessed it!) nit-pick. The wording just seems weird in a way. It's not wrong. There's just something about it that I can't explain. (I'll just edit if I find an explanation).

    Rick nodded but grinned, already thought of a new subject the two could talk about. “Hey honey, Cyrus showed me this.”
    There are two possible ways to correct this one. Either change thought for thinking or add something along the lines of he had before already. Given the situation, the latter would be the most suitable.

    “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell her. Cyrus is very intelligent and he can be able to handle that robot fine.”
    Nit-pick. I'm not sure if this is a mistake or not but I don't think the bolded part is actually necessary.

    The two halted and gazed at the sparkling ocean, the waves crashing on the sand and the rocks. Some Wingulls flew pass by and chirped. Both Pokémon and people were surfing, swimming or playing water fights.
    The word in bold isn't needed.

    “I can hear your heartbeat,” she cooed. “I wish I can hear my own.”
    Could.

    “Okay, you have a point there. But, what we’re going to do about it?”
    Are we.

    Cyrus jumped up and down in rage. “But mommmm!”
    This mostly depends on the pronounciation that you're going for but if you're trying for the whiny kind of sound then it should be the o rather than the m that needs repetition.

    Two hours passed, Cyrus and Kim not back home yet. Cynthia was inside the boy’s room and staring at the robotic Growlithe. The little machine barked and wagged its tail. She just smiled and clapped, until…
    I think that the word were needs to be between Kim and not.

    All of Cyrus’ small robots and machines scattered everywhere, broken and unrecognizable. His computer and clock had cracks on it. The boys kept laughing while destroying one other robot with their hammers.
    I've already gone over this issue near the beginning of the review. Just thought I'd point it out for revision purposes.

    Both boys just grinned at him. They ignored him and went back destroying Cynthia. Cyrus immediately pulled his hair and roared. He darted towards Brian and punched him, the victim crashing on the floor hard. Calvin gasped and froze when Cyrus came closer towards him, his fist ready to strike.
    Back to destroying.

    Who's hair?

    Cyrus turned around and saw Brian got up, blood coming out from his nose. His hard stare made the two think he was ready to punch Cyrus. However, he motioned his hands in a leaving gesture.
    Again, there's two solutions for this. You can change it to either saw Brian get up or saw that Brian had gotten up. Based on the context and what comes right after it, the former would be more appropriate.

    Kim felt she could not breathe, her heart being squeezed. She bit her lips and her shoulders became stiff. Screaming would lead to more arguing. After some time, Kim took a deep breath.
    Probably just another nit-pick. It feels like something is missing in the underlined part. It could probably be modified into something along the lines of her heart felt like it was being squeezed if we look for the most simple solution.

    Silence. Both mother and son stared long and hard at one another for quite sometime. No words could describe how much the two despised each other at that moment.
    In this context, the bolded word should be separated into tow words. Sometime refers to a specific point in time while some time would refer to a vaguely defined period of time.

    Why, why would they destroy her?
    Yet another nit-pick. In this situation, following why by a comma sounds like he's stating the why rather than asking it, you can replace the comma with a question mark depending on your intentions. It all depends on what you're going for with this as it works both ways.

    While the police were out of the room to try to find Cyrus, Kim saw Cynthia’s body, more damaged than before, and then at the broken window. She knew what happened.
    Take out the word in bold and the sentence will make more sense. There's an alternate solution but it's more complicated. The other option is to change saw with another verb, like stared, and then alter the sentence accordingly.

    [i]That boy has so much potential. Why did he have to run away?
    I guess this was just a slip but I'll mention it just in case.

    While watching the tides rolled in and out he saw his sister, silky soft hair and gleaming eyes. She smiled.
    This is the last one (That I found, anyway). It's just another place where the -ed isn't needed, nothing too big.

    I think that does it for the spelling and grammar, although I might have missed something as I was a bit tired when I wrote this section. Let's go into the content of the story now.

    I've got to say that I was a bit iffy about Cyrus's characterazation at first. Now, don't get me wrong, the transition to the Cyrus from Diamond and Pearl was handled well and I liked the story overall. In fact, I don't think you actually butchered Cyrus's personality, seeing as it fits with what the old lady in Sunyshore tells the player. So I guess the overall characterization was a job well done.

    As for the other characters. I didn't like the two boys, although I guess that was what you were going for with personalities like those, and I didn't see any logic to their action. They were just so random. The robot had been there for a while so I don't know why'd they pick that precise day to destroy it, you'd think they'd have gotten at least a bit used to it by then. They also had major mood swings while they were in Cyrus's room. First they're just smashing everything, ignoring Cyrus when he questions them. Then one of them is angry and immediately after that the same person who was angry just moments ago becomes calm and decides to leave.

    I didn't have problems with any of the other characters, though. I found the description to be enough to make me understand what was going on, that area could still use a bit of polishing though (Although I'm not really good with description so I'm sorry if I can't help on that). I did find the robotic Grotles to be unintentionally funny, I don't even know why. They did get destroyed a bit too easily, from the red eyes I can gather that they might be guards or something. I don't understand why'd they get beaten by just a quick stomp or two (I guess it's just a universal weakness to Nintendo's turtles).

    I liked the story overall, especially the transiton in Cyrus's personality. I don't know if you'll find the review useful and it's completely up to you wether to use it or ignore it. It's just an opinion, after all.

  5. #5
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    Ineresting story. I like Cyrus here. I haven't played the fourth gen games, so I can't say if you matched him well or not, but just right here, he's an interesting case of being at the edge.

    The other two boys were not that great, as mentioned earlier. It's a random-ish decision, unless they'd been watching B-movies involving crazy robots. I think I might know something that could have made their decision to destroy the robots make more sense, but it would require rearranging the relationships in the story.

    If you don't mind a bit of 'what if?'...

    What if Cynthia were Cyrus' older sister instead of younger? Perhaps she got him interested/taught him mechanics in the first place, and he's a prodigy, better at it than her. Then you could say that Brian was the original Cynthia's boyfriend. He might like the idea of bringing her back to life at first, but then get angry because she's not the same. Other people would tell him that he shouldn't bother Cyrus, because he's just a kid, but then that anger simmers until it bursts here.

    Anyhow, nice job.
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  6. #6
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    This is actually pretty touching and does a good job of explaining Cyrus's character.

    I will be honest, you have trouble with spelling and grammar but not on a critical level. It could use improvement, but it is also not terrible. Just try slowing down a little bit as you type, that should help.

    You excelled in characterization, though. I definitely got a feel for the emotion the characters here felt.

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  7. #7
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    Maze:Heh, that is actually what inspired this fic. Gosh, I love A.I. Poor Teddy (don't remember the teddy bear's name, but I just like to call him that) ;_;

    Heh, you mentioning about Cyrus probably making a world filled with people resembling Cynthia actually gave me the creeps too. XD; The thing is this is just an idea as to why Cyrus is what he is in the games, which is a weird one. ^^;

    #1 Manga Fan: Yep, that last line is to hit home that Cyrus is beginning to change. And I already mention Cynthia in this story is NOT Sinnoh Champion Cynthia. ^^;

    Rippingthunder: I suck at grammar. ._. Actually, this is written a few weeks before the latest chapters of "Nothing, Everything," so I assume I improved grammar a tiny bit. ^^; Anyways though, thanks for the corrections. You mention about Sunyshore just being one lnad instead of strands of it? Actually, in the guide book I have the city is indeed strands of land and that those solar power panels are one way to get around the city.

    Yeah, I suck at teenage characters. Mood swings? XD; Ack, it does seem they came in random. Well, I wanted to come up with a couple of characters that are willing to destory the robot. Ya know, before I consiered Cyrus mother to destory her, but then I thought if Kim destorys Cynthia, she destorys her daughter. ^^; That would have been good, though now I think about it...

    Heh, Nintendo turtles are indeed weak! XD; In all seriousness though, they are small ones...that's the best explination I can give. ._.

    Yellow Ninja Ysavvryl: Heh, they might have been watching those movies. XD; And also, hm, interesting idea actually. If I actually do feel like rewriting this again, I might take that diea.

    The Great Butler: LOTS OF PAGES TO PROOFREAD= MANY GRAMMAR MISTAKES. XD; I don't think I typed fast. However, I would type type type when I already have an idea how I want to write out the emotions and such, heh. Also, glad you got a feel for the characters. ^^

    Again, thanks everyone for the reviews! Will use your guys' advice to improve NE and my other stories. ^^


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