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Thread: I Am Deoxys (One-Shot)

  1. #1
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    Default I Am Deoxys (One-Shot)

    Winner of the Dungeons and Starships: Sci-Fi/Fantasy Contest.

    I've been sitting on this one for a while, but now that the contest is over I figured I should share it with everyone. This started as a random idea I had months and months ago while listening to a song, and I stored it away to write at a later date. Once the Sci-Fi contest was announced, I knew it would be perfect for it (especially as I really don't write Sci-Fi at all).

    Huge, huge thanks go out to Bay for betaing this for me and just in general giving me plenty of tips and advice to get it to this point.

    Enjoy, guys.




    i am deoxys
    by duncan
    rated pg





    Thick shafts of light illuminated particles of dust before falling off into shadow. Distant ringing echoed in his ears; the rest of the world had melted away. The slight clink of a bottle as it fell to the floor and shattered made it’s way through the fugue, but he paid it no attention. The strong, almost metallic odor of blood was suddenly apparent, and vaguely he looked down to see a scrape on his hand.

    He blinked, wiping it gently with his sleeve. Everything...it seemed so surreal. He sat back in his chair, his glazed eyes falling onto the television. A frantic looking news anchor was talking rapidly, but it was all white noise to him. Only a few words were going through his mind.

    The apocalypse was coming.

    His breath hitched. Trembling, he looked down at his feet where the bottle had broken. Miniscule shards of glass twinkled in the dull light, shimmering and sparkling as if a vast, far away field of stars. He shook his head. It was all about to end...so much was going to be left unfinished.

    Random, disjointed words floated to the front of his mind...stay in your homes...preparations are being made...don’t panic...it was almost unbearable.

    He took a breath, blinking. Time was wasting, he had two hours left. There were plenty of things he could do, things he had always planned on but for some reason had never gotten around to.

    “I...” The voice rang out in the silence, hoarse and unfamiliar. “I’ll...”

    His mind drew a blank. He had dreams, fantasies, always things he had put off for a later date. Why couldn’t he remember...?

    He stood up shakily, ignoring the untidy apartment that surrounded him. He had to get out, clear his head.


    ~-~-~


    “Grandfather...what's happening?”

    An immensely aged face leaned forward, catching the dim candlelight. “Son. My son, man has finally wrought destruction upon himself and his fellow man. He has committed the worse Sin of all.“

    A young boy sat back in the darkened church pew. “I don’t understand.”

    The old man sighed deeply. “Everything has a beginning and an end. What is born, dies. Man has always been on a path to destruction...this is the culmination of everything.”

    “...Are we really gonna die?” the boy's meek voice whispered.

    Sadness transformed the man's face. “Yes, we are all about to die. But fear not...fear not. The Great God in Heaven will spare those who have remain faithful...fear not...”

    The boy's face screwed up, his eyes glistening with tears. “Then why is he doing this, Grandpa? If he loves us...why?”

    A careful silence fell upon the darkened church. “Come here, do not worry. He has his own mysterious ways, but never let your love for Him waver...do you understand? He will deliver us all to Heaven...rest assured...”

    The boy sniffed, hugging his grandfather. “Okay...thank you, Grandpa...”

    A smile lightened the grim face. “Rest easy, my son, rest easy. It is almost here...let us pray...”


    ~-~-~


    Dull, exhausted eyes stared out the car window at the vast expanse of steel that sat resolutely still. The girl sighed. Everyone was panicked, running around fretfully and trying to find a way to get moving again. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her father yelling angrily at another gridlocked driver, motioning with his arms wildly.

    She looked away, lying her head back on the seat. Her eyes blankly found the roof of the car. Dejectedly, she shut them. Her mother had furiously insisted that the entire family leave as soon as the news had broken in. For what reason, she didn’t know. Did it matter where it happened?

    A tear leaked out of her eye, running down her face and falling gently onto her lap. She was frightened, but more than that...just exhausted. The spirit was sapped from her, there was no reason to do anything but wait and watch.

    She thought back dully. She had been normal, utterly normal. It seemed like days and days ago that her mother had burst in while she was on the telephone, chatting with her best friend about the new boy at school and whether or not he had ever been with anyone before. Within five minutes, she was protesting loudly in the car, while neither her mother nor father would hear any of it.

    Sometime between the desperate pleas of the radio station for people to stay calm and the fury of her parents at the stopped motorists that had frozen up the road for miles in both directions it had sunk in. The details were hazy, something about a mutated space virus? But...seeing the desperation of the peoples’ faces, the sad cries of the children...it really was going to end, wasn’t it?

    She absentmindedly fingered the hem of her skirt, staring out at the trees that were all along the side of the road. Her blue eyes blinked. It...was beautiful. A gentle wind blew the tops of the emerald trees, sending them moving to and fro ever so slightly. Some of the taller trees’ leaves were already turning colors, splotching the green with hints of gold and red.

    It was so clear. A small smile spread itself out on her features. “How...nice.”

    A red faced woman turned around in her seat, affixing a stern gaze upon the teenager. “What?”

    The girl blinked, not turning away from the window. “The...trees are turning...”

    “Trees? Trees! Do you not understand what is going on here?”

    A loud car horn sounded from behind, as an angry motorist flashed a rude hand gesture at the traffic in general. Another man yelled something loudly at him. She shrugged, looking down at the car that sat beside them. A small girl, no more than five, was frowning at all the noise and chaos that was going on outside the cars.

    The girl’s eyes fell upon her, and she smiled and waved happily.

    The teenager paused, then waved back.


    ~-~-~


    “Come on man, go stay with your family. There’s nothing else we can do here.”

    He looked up at the tired, scruffy looking man that stood above him. Dark circles framed his eyes, and sadness was etched into every line of his face.

    “I...I can’t just leave now. I’m the one who...who did this. How can I just leave?”

    The man sighed. “Look...it wasn’t your fault. Every one of us looked at the same data you did, and no one could have foreseen that...this would happen. Just go home to your family...enjoy the time you have left with them, okay?”

    “You go on. I’ll...I want to look at a couple more things and then I’ll leave.”

    With a grave nod, the man turned and left. He heaved a deep sigh. How could he have screwed up so badly? He...he had just ended the world.

    Tired eyes looked up at the vast computer room that surrounded him. Almost all of the monitors were off, only his own screen was left on, displaying the words “Mossdeep Space Exploration Center - Where The Final Frontier Is Explored”. Horrible, gnawing guilt was eating him up; he couldn’t even summon the will to move.

    Blindly his hands skated across the keyboard, almost subconsciously bringing up the files he had spent so many sleepless nights working on. It paused, a quiet whir filled the air until the file opened.

    Masses of equations, hundreds of thousands of them, all appeared. He blinked tiredly, then typed a few more keys in. A 3D model of a creature appeared. It stood tall, a dull red color with a shimmering black gem set in the center of it’s chest. Six long tentacles swung from it’s shoulders, with a triangle shaped head containing a pair of beady black eyes. Thin, tapering legs finished off the design.

    His great project.

    The sight of the creature was sobering. Large, desperate eyes gazed at the screen, willing the...the thing to go away. It merely stared at him, slightly moving with an apathetic look.

    Deoxys. His mouth formed the word silently. It was to be his masterpiece, a creature that was infinitely variable to all habitats, to all realms of space...the perfect traveler to explore the universe.

    He cringed as memories washed over him. How he had overlooked the most important fact of all...it could adapt to any environment, including the one that had been created to contain it.

    A shaking hand wiped the sweat away from his pale face. Was there any reason to stay that still remained? Perhaps he should at least go see his family...

    I do not believe that is in your best interest.

    The man jumped, staring at the computer monitor in horror. “What...?”

    There is no logical reason to move yourself to your home.

    “I...you...are talking...?”

    The 3D animation shifted, still boring holes in the man with it’s gaze.

    I am capable of speech.

    “Why are you doing this?!”

    To explore the Final Frontier...humanity.

    “What?” he asked sharply.

    I am merely doing what you requested of me.

    “You will listen? Then stop it right now, quit attacking the...the world!”

    The screen went dark abruptly. The man paused, frowning. Was...it possible?


    ~-~-~


    I am Man’s Creation.

    I am his last hope.

    I am his savior.

    I am Deoxys.

    Man is fundamentally flawed.

    I must help Man.

    I must destroy Man.

    I am Deoxys.

    Dark, soulless eyes gazed down upon a great blue and green sphere, alone in the infinite depths of darkness. It’s ever changing form drew closer and closer, flashing in the night sky like a lighthouse.

    Warning of impending danger.

    Slowly, deliberately, the long tentacles that stretched out into infinity morphed together into one. The bright glow grew more intense with every second as the very fabric of Space seemed to shudder at the immense power.

    Man is my father.

    My father is ill.

    I will save my father.

    I am Deoxys.







    |||end|||
    Last edited by duncan; 20th December 2008 at 9:48 PM.

  2. #2
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    *standing ovation*

    A Very worthy winner.

    The end was one of those things, where all you can do is make a nonsense scoff of appreciation. Kinda like a 'koh' of wonderment that follows a jolly good read.

    Top ho, dear duncan. Top ho.
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    Quite amazing.

    I can't say that I've ever viewed Deoxys in this manner, but I think its a very compelling view and it makes for a great story.

    Not to mention it that it is very well written. You have apparent talent for this.

    Bravo.

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  4. #4

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    Indeed. I'm trying as hard as I can to review this objectively, rather than just giving it more praise. Anyway, I did see a couple of mistakes so let's get those out of the way:


    i am deoxys
    by duncan
    I don't know if this is intentional but the title is lacking capitalization. This is especially jarring with the first letter. If this is intentional then just ignore this entirely.

    Sadness transformed the man's face. “Yes, we are all about to die. But fear not...fear not. The Great God in Heaven will spare those who have remain faithful...fear not...”
    I think you mean remained.

    ... That's about all I could find.

    I'll also add that I wasn't really into the story until the end. The end was what made the story, for me at least. Well, that and the scene right before it. After reading it again, however, I can see how it all builds up. The one thing I couldn't understand is how Deoxys came to the conclusion that mankind was flawed when it had barely been born (From what I could gather).

    I'll stop now as there really isn't anything useful I can say at this point, just mindless praise.
    Last edited by Rippingthunder; 20th December 2008 at 10:23 PM.

  5. #5
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    You still owe me pastries. XD *gets shot*

    Anyways, I've been comparing the version you gave me and this version, and I say this version is much, much better. For instance, last time I criticized over the scene with the kid and his Grandfather, but this time you conveyed the emotions much better. Can really feel the kid's nervousness and the Grandfather trying to confort him.

    I still loved the ending lines. :3

    There's still one thing that irked me, but very, very, tiny. You still kept a lot of the ellipsis around. Like I said, IMO too much ellipsis can make a story sound too passive and lose the effectiveness of the narration. It's fine though as this is your story, not mine, and if you feel you need those ellipsis then that's fine by me.

    Well, nothing else to say but congrats winning the contest once again and I really enjoyed reading this piece (again)! =)


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    Wow, duncan. This is amazing. One of those stories that makes you sit back and think about your existance for a while. A very worthy winner. Great job!

  7. #7
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    Wow, what a response. Thanks for all your comments, guys.

    Diddy:

    Thanks. The ending definitely made the fic, I know. I probably took half the time writing this on the end, trying to make sure it was good. XD

    I'm surprised you liked it so much, but thanks nonetheless.

    Jerichi:

    Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and I'm very glad you enjoyed it so much. I've got to say, I had a blast writing it. As for the view of Deoxys...I always considered him somewhat like this, so when I had the idea of doing an end-of-the-world fic, I knew he would be perfect for it.

    Rippingthunder:

    Ah yes, the title is intentional. I just thought it looked a bit better in all lowercase.

    And you're entirely right, remained is the word there. Props to you for finding it; I must have read through this twenty times looking for typos and yet I didn't find that one. XD

    Yes, the entire fic is meant as a buildup to the end, so I can understand that you weren't into it all that much until then. As for why Deoxys came to the conclusion the mankind is flawed...it didn't take long for it to get a glimpse of the world, to see the pollution and the crime and everything else that isn't right, then it just decided that the best way was to start anew, I suppose.

    Anyway, thanks for the review and correction.

    Bay:

    Yes I do. XD

    And I reworked it (especially that one scene) quite a bit since you've seen it, yeah.

    Too many ellipses, hmm? I did take quite a few out...perhaps I should have done a few more. I'm a sucker for them, I'll admit. XD

    Thanks for the review, and again thanks for the beta. I definitely need to give you those pastries now.

    chosen_one386:

    Thanks. That's what I wanted, something to make you think a little. Like all those big apocalyptic movies, except a short fic version. XD Thanks so much.

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    I wasn't going to review anything for a while because of the many things I have to do, but the title "I Am Deoxys" begs the story to be read.

    That pokémon is perhaps one of my favourite, and somehow attributing it to a human creation only adds to its appeal. It interests me that Deoxys has such a malformed consciousness; I don't believe that has been done before to such a level with a manmade pokémon. I would like to psychoanalyze it someday.

    There are a few it's/its errors that can be reached by aid of find 'n' replace, There were some sentiments that I felt were a little cliched, such as the boy and his grandfather scene. However, many other scenes I rather liked, and nothing was actually flawed, so it's all good.

    *claps in conclusion* Certainly deserved your win.

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    You know what's funny? I hear "I am Deoxys" and Black Sabbath comes in with that epic song. That would fit here so much because well Deoxys is just that epic. Even if he looks like a 1950s creature feature.

    You won this contest, duncan because this was sheer scifi and we all saw it. We talked about it, discussed it and in the end we said "You know what, this kid deserves the gold star!"

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    Stoc15's Review!

    I've be meaning to review this for a long time, and let me just say that this baby deserved to win the contest! You made this fic seem like a very epic sci-fi film, and then you when you add some amazing descripition to it, it seems like that I am just sitting in the fic! Anyway, combining any metal band to this fic would work out well, and I like how you made Deoxys recite that little 'poem' at the end. And if you plan to make another fic out of this (unlikely), will Deoxys do it's supposed 'job'?

    Stoc15,
    out.

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    Excellent work, congrats on placing first


    i am Legend Deoxys (Y)


    You should make a prequel cuz I'm pretty sure this could easily be expanded upon. Good job!

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    Well...I liked it. That's not saying much, but I like your characterisation of Deoxys as a VIKI-like character.

    I don't think this should have a prequel/sequel/any expansion. The air of mystery is what contains this fic and expansion sort of 'overcomplicates' it.



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    Sucking us in. Creating a climax. Then dropping us dead with ||the end||. Great work. Always the best way to get a message across.

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    More reviews? XD I've never gotten so many reviews so fast in my life.

    Luphinid Silnaek:

    So all I have to do to get you to review is come up with a cool title? Noted.

    Deoxys was always an interesting Pokemon to me as well. I always thought it had something to do with the Mossdeep Space Station for some reason, so it all tied in quite nicely when I went to write it. I guess the idea of it being man-made was the way I've always thought about it.

    Were there? I'll need to go through and look for them, then...I'm honestly terrible with those, to be honest. XD About that one scene...I certainly see where you're coming from. Not a whole lot I can say but to agree with you...I have no idea why I never noticed it. Might fix it in a rewrite of this, perhaps...never know.

    Thanks, and thanks for the review as well.

    Ledian_X:

    All you had to do is mention Black Sabbath and instantly Iron Man is stuck in my head. XD Actually, that probably would work pretty well here.

    Thanks. I'm glad you all enjoyed it enough to place it number one. It was just one of those things where I just happened to have the right idea at the right time.

    Stoc15:

    For a long time? I just posted it yesterday. XD Thanks though, I definitely had a lot of the good Apocalyptic movies in mind as I was writing this. Glad to know it came out the way I planned.

    As for a sequel...I hadn't actually thought about it, to be honest. I certainly could take up where this left off, in the aftermath...something to think about, for sure. Maybe at a later date. TEN keeps me busy and then some. Thanks for the review, and I'm glad you liked.

    Divinity_123:

    Ah, Divy's seal of approval. All is at last right with the world.

    I hadn't even thought of that. XD I just got the title from his last line.

    Thanks. A prequel you say? Plenty of possibilities...I'll be sure to think about it.

    Yonowaru in Chaos:

    Thanks. Honestly, I find Deoxys-type of character easy to write. Just have to think generic, misguided evil and there you go.

    The mystery is much of the fic...you have a point. Anyway, thanks for reading.

    #Chimecho#:

    I had just come to reply when I noticed you slipped in a post without me noticing. XD Thanks. Cliffhangers are the only way to do it, I know. I'm glad you enjoyed.

  15. #15
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    duncan, it has been a while.

    I found this this piece to be well written and congratulations for winning the contest. I think the piece had some genuine emotion. I could feel the man's emotion too. The one shot has some real depth into it. It was a powerful read, I love the ending too. Brilliant chemistry between the mystery and the chemistry. The ending felt perfect and mind provoking.


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    What else can be said!

    I especially liked the scene with the teen in the car. Everyone is frantic, trying to do something about something that can't be stopped and she has, in her own way, embraced the tragedy with a calmness and a sort of understanding of what's happening (symbolized by the turning of the trees, everything must die). I think when you say "the spirit" was sapped from her, it's a description of her inately human tenacity and will to live that's been quieted, which is kind of sad, but understandable. And the adults look at her like she's crazy, but she's "just ahead of the curve."

    Overall, an entertaining look at how different people deal with tragedy, what they feel and do when their days/hours are numbered and death stands at their door. Always interesting.
    Taxonomy of the Heart
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    C.Gholy:

    Well hi there. You're right, it has been a while.

    Thanks. Like I said, it was just the luck of me having the idea at the perfect time for everything to work out the way it did. I really did have fun writing it as well, as I've always wanted to try a Sci-Fi fic like this. Probably because of all the disaster movies I like so much. XD Thanks for the review, and I'm really glad you enjoyed.

    Maze:

    In fact, that scene was the original idea of the fic. The fic evolved more Deoxys-centric as it went, but that scene still was the beginning of it all. I'm glad you picked up on the theme, that sums the entire thing up quite nicely. You're entirely right; she just realizes what's about to happen, and she knows there's no point in spending her last moments frantically when she can relax and enjoy what time she has left.

    Thanks for the review, and nice job picking up on everything I loaded into that scene.

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    >Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and I'm very glad you enjoyed it so much. I've got to say, I had a blast writing it. As for the view of Deoxys...I always considered him somewhat like this, so when I had the idea of doing an end-of-the-world fic, I knew he would be perfect for it.

    I suppose my view of the Pokemon has been somewhat skewed as one of my original projects in Pokemon fanfiction (which was almost 4 years ago now) involved the personification of legendaries, Deoxys in particular. Anyways, kudos to you and congratulations. I hope you continue to write, you definitely have a knack for it.

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  19. #19
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    Heh, good Fan Fiction...
    You really made me feel you were a Space Traveler or Deoxys. One Small Flaw though. Very small flaw, not even in the story...Lol, anyways i am deoxys should be I am Deoxys. Also I am Deoxys is a good name for this. Hmm, some parts really got me confused, is Deoxys a Destroyer or a Savior? How did the people know the "end" is coming? Overrall, the story is a good One-Shot to get First Prize.
    One of the best I read in my days here...weeks...I wonder when I'll make a One-Shot...

  20. #20
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    Fwee for end-of-the-world stories, and fwee especially for the way this one ended. <3 That italicized section at the end... damn. o_o I frelling loved that part, what with the whole "destruction = salvation" subject it had and the way that it was written, especially with regards to this part:

    Man is my father.

    My father is ill.

    I will save my father.
    Much love for that bit there. <3
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  21. #21
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    Jerichi:

    Heh, thanks again. No worries on the writing front; I've been writing for well over six years now. No plans on stopping...ever. :P

    FireTypeLover:

    Thank you. As for the intro...I believe I mentioned it before, but it was intentional. Makes the intro look...cooler, I suppose.

    To answer your questions...as to whether Deoxys is a savior or destroyer, that's up to you to decide. I'd tend to think he's a misguided destroyer, but both ways do make some sense. The people knew the end was coming because Mossdeep let it out, albeit too late.

    Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed.

    Sike Saner:

    I'm with you on loving these types of stories...just can't get enough. :P Thanks, I liked that bit too.

    Glad you enjoyed.

  22. #22
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    Wow. Definitely worthy of winning the contest. I don't normally like sci-fi, but I loved it. You created the perfect atmosphere of panic and urgency, a need to escape even though escape was futile. Stories like this perfectly capture human nature, the desire to create the ultimate survivor and then the desperate rush to escape when it takes its job too far.

    Yes... very well written. There's not much else I can say.
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