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Thread: E.s.P.a.S. {pG-13}

  1. #1
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    Default E.s.P.a.S. {pG-13}

    Hey.

    Some of you may recognize me from around the forums, dabbling in sprites at the WSC, popping in for a Game or two, from the ASB, my typical hangout, or even as the author of the long-abandoned "Stir Crazy". Well, today, I present you another piece of fan fiction that I've concocted as my third venture into chaptered Pokemon fiction.

    For the one or two of you who are wondering, I've been writing here and there since my stint with Stir Crazy a few years ago, and have been primarily dealing in original works. I've always enjoyed writing Pokemon stories, however, as they give me a base from which to start on and mold as I see fit. I recently decided to make a return to the community on a whim, and have cooked up this idea out of thin air.

    Provided, this is the first time in a long while that I have dealt with legitimate fan fiction, and the first time I've composed a sizable portion of anything, so forgive me if I seem a little ignorant. However, I think I'm experienced enough in general to understand most of the process around here.

    *sticks general fanfiction nessecities in here for later*

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    #Chimecho#

    List of Chapters

    ~Prologue~
    ~Fit 1~
    ~Fit 2~
    ~Fit 3~
    ~Fit 4~

    Without further ado, I give you...


    E.S.P.A.S.

    ~Prologue~

    Henry Silph fell heavily into the oversized cushions of his plush sofa, reaching for the remote buried beneath large, fluffy pillows. After a moment of searching, he managed to locate it, flipping his wide-screen television on.

    “…the captain expects it to be a smooth sailing for the recently christened liner…” the reporter said, as a picture of a rusty boat captain reviewing a series of charts on a table flashed across the screen.

    From the other room, Scamp the Arcanine came bounding in, and swiftly joined his master on the couch, panting happily as he put his shining white mane into Henry’s lap.

    “Hey, buddy,” he greeted his trusted Arcanine affectionately, rubbing his head.

    “Boy, I’ve had a long day…” Henry thought, “That guy from Viridian was quite a character. Acting like he can just waltz in and buy the best Pokéball technology in development. Hell, that thing’ll never be on the market. I don’t know what he’s thinkin’, tryin’ to snatch up that prototype.”

    He turned his attention to the news once again, who had transitioned to their next story, showing a picture of some meeting with a bunch of eccentric-looking characters and two men in suits shaking hands.

    “Talks on the newly developed Johto League about their Champion and Elite Four arrangements began today between the newly formed Johto Gym Leaders Council and Kanto’s Council.” the reporter droned, “Lance, the current champion and former Blackthorn Gym Leader during its short-lived incorporation into the Indigo League, was there, talking with various officials and top trainers to finalize a list of appointments for the Gyms to be instated within the next few months…”

    Suddenly, Scamp’s ears perked up as he raised his head to stare at something in the adjacent hallway.

    “What’s up?” Henry inquired, running a hand through his thick coat.

    Scamp suddenly jumped from the couch, barking wildly as he pealed towards the corridor.

    “Hey, what’s wrong, buddy?” Henry asked as Scamp turned the corner, still barking furiously.

    When the Arcanine didn’t respond, he got to his feet slowly, peering towards the window-lined passageway as the barking echoed loudly through the apartment. After a few seconds, the barking began to die away. Now even more curious, Henry shuffled down the hallway warily, trying to catch a glimpse of Scamp in the distance.

    “Scamp, buddy!” he called as he slowly walked through the passage, his only light coming from the city below.

    As he came towards the end of the hallway, he could see Scamp lying at the front door, curled up on the black marble floor. For a moment, he was assuaged by the image of his faithful companion sleeping peacefully at the doorstep. However, his happy thought faded as he saw the flicker of a human-like form out of the corner of his eye.

    His heart skipped a beat as he realized what was happening.

    A large, bulky arm gripped at his neck, holding him with surprising strength and cutting off his airway. Desperately, his arms flew to meet it, meagerly pulling at the thick limb suffocating him.

    “I-I’ll give you anything you want!” he choked, flailing and writhing under his captor’s grip, “Jus-just don’t hurt me!”

    Henry suddenly felt as if his mind was being invaded. He felt some strange force pull violently at his thoughts, and his oxygen-deprived brain struggled to comprehend what was happening.

    Oh, you’ve already given me everything I need.
    A voice rang ominously inside Henry’s head.

    Confused and gasping for air, Henry thrash and called for Scamp with what little breath he could muster.

    It’s no use. He can’t hear you.


    Another torrent of panic sprung up in his gut.

    Don’t worry, he’s just asleep. I’m afraid that you won’t be as fortunate. I’ll make sure that he’s attended to in your absence.


    Another thick arm drew up to his neck. In the three-fingered hand, a contorted spoon was held tightly, twinkling almost beautifully in the multicolor light from the window. Henry became even more confused; a guy breaks into his house, somehow puts his Arcanine to sleep, and threatens him with silverware? But, what if this wasn’t a guy, but-

    The cold voice bit into his consciousness once again as the spoon began to glow an eerie black.

    Good-bye, Mr. Silph.

    The twisted flatware was swiftly drawn across his neck. Henry Silph collapsed onto the floor, painting the sparkling marble with a splatter of red.
    Last edited by Jerichi; 8th February 2009 at 5:52 AM.

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    [jerichi]

    A new fanfic by yours truly.
    E.S.P.A.S.
    "I hope your mother dies in a silo explosion." ~ The Mozz

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  2. #2
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    The story seems to be interesting. You have a few run on sentences i think they are called? with three commas in them atleast. Might want to check that out, see if you can change it a little bit. Maybe a little more description in the surroundings outside would help, and the transition from the room to the outside (like describe the lighting, weather etc.). That would add to the dark and deary kinda tone you are going for.

    He turned his attention to the news once again, who had transitioned to their next story, showing a picture of some meeting with a bunch of eccentric-looking characters and two men in suits shaking hands.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    When the Arcanine didn’t respond, he got to his feet slowly, peering towards the window-lined passageway as the barking echoed loudly through the apartment.
    The long sentences. Might be better if you broke them apart?

    It seems a little humorous to be killed by a spoon (Alakazam i assume is the murderer? Who knows.. Hopefully well find out ^^)
    Last edited by #Chimecho#; 23rd December 2008 at 4:50 AM.

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    Jeri writing in something other than green? It's a sign of the apocalypse!

    *Dives into apocalypse shelter*

    ...Huh? Oh wait, it's just a fan fic. ^_^; My bad.

    And now for something critical. A very interesting prologue. Doesn't do much in the way of introducing the reader to characters (unless Scamp is one of the main characters), but it does create an interesting backstory for the main plotline. It's pretty obvious who the man from Viridian is. Though am I somewhat surprised by the choice of murder weapon. A spoon? Well, as long as it does the job...

    I am curious about the title though. Not your typical fan fic title. Can't wait to hear the explaination for it.

    And before you ask... *Runs to PASBL to ref*

    Now being reposted!


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    #Chimecho# ~ I appreciate your review. I generally don't expect to receive feedback this quickly.

    Anyways, you are right, I do have a few long sentences that I could probably break up a bit (not run-ons by definition, but I understand what you mean). I have a habit of trying to cram so many words into one sentence and end up sounding a bit too wordy in the process. Thanks for pointing that out.

    And he may or may not be that...[/notspoilingit]

    PokemonHero ~ Yes, I know. It's very rare for me to not post completely in YellowGreen (aside from reffings and updates, of course).

    And, yeah, I understand what you mean, but this isn't as much of a prologue as much as it is setting the mood. I considered sticking this in the first chapter, but upon reviewing it, I thought it would make the chapter way too long, especially for an exposition chapter. I may break it up further, but since all the scenes in it are relatively short and intertwined, I find I have no place to break it up.

    Anyways, enough musing about things I haven't posted yet.

    But, yes, the explanation behind the title will come on a little later in the fic, around Chapter 4, I believe. Once I end up fleshing out the story a bit, it may be changed, but I think I'll be sticking with it for the moment.

    Thanks for the review/reffing. I appreciate it.

    Just a general note, I plan to let the exposition sit by itself for a bit while people absorb it a tad. I already have the first 5 chapters written and I'm currently in the process of reviewing them. I expect to post the first legitimate Chapter in the next few days (maybe even tomorrow if I attract enough readers). Keep an eye peeled.

    Oh, also, feel free to jump on the PM List if you're interested.

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    [jerichi]

    A new fanfic by yours truly.
    E.S.P.A.S.
    "I hope your mother dies in a silo explosion." ~ The Mozz

    It's not easy
    being green.

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    Quote Originally Posted by #Chimecho# View Post
    You have a few run on sentences i think they are called? with three commas in them atleast. Might want to check that out, see if you can change it a little bit.
    There aren't really any run-ons, most of the sentences are just a bit lengthy, which is good for mysteries and the like.

    Anyway, very nice Jeri; it really works well for a Prolouge, sets a nice tone and has some creative description.
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    My, this is excellent. More than plot, description, or anything, what makes a story good is the style that it's told in, and I quite like yours. I believe that's Mewtwo, isn't it? The only vicious pokemon with three fingers and psychic abilities. Of course, that's what makes everyone love the clone.
    My bishie is Grimmjow Jeagerjaques from Bleach.

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    Yea didn't think I should have really commented on the prologue. It generally is just there. I have a nearly opposite problem. Usually i can combine sentences, but instead i go short and choppy.

    It's good though. They weren't really problems. Just wanted to understand a bit better i guess, my bad.

    Thanks TerminatorTotodile, for clearing that up for me. I don't really know the terms to well, but whenever something sounds weird to me i comment to make sense of it for myself. (Maybe i do it to harshly?)

    Can't wait for Chapter One! ^^

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    Mwahaha I know what happens. =D

    Good job, Jim.
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    TerminatorTotodile ~ Thanks, TT, I thought so myself.

    Mawile XD ~ No, I will tell you its not Mewtwo, but he may have some some significance later on. I can't tell you any more than that, though.

    I Am Sciz ~ Yes, I know you do, Sciz. Thanks.

    On a somewhat unrelated note, this song fits perfectly.

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    [jerichi]

    A new fanfic by yours truly.
    E.S.P.A.S.
    "I hope your mother dies in a silo explosion." ~ The Mozz

    It's not easy
    being green.

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    Looks good so far, Jeri, pop me on the PM list please =o

    All I can say is that the sentencing issue is not a big deal. I'm pretty sure I've written sentences longer than that with only commas and they were perfectly legal in my crazy English teacher's class.

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    Tyranidos ~ Popped!

    Anyways, yeah, you can have long sentences like that, it just gets a little wordy. Unfortunately, that's one of my weaknesses when it comes to writing.

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    Interesting.....I think this one should be a good read. Keep up the good work, and throw me onto the PM list.

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    ALTOCHARIZARD55 ~ Thanks ALTO. XP Will do.

    Anyways, I'll probably be putting the first chapter up tomorrow or sometime this weekend, provided I can post it from Florida. Probably will be up sooner than later.

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    Hey, guys, sorry for the wait. Christmas and travel and whatnot has kept me busy.

    Without further ado, here's Chapter 1. It's pretty long because I just couldn't find a good place to break it up.


    Fit One
    “So how’d it go?”

    Weiss ignored the inquiry, simply handing the bloodied spoon to the Slowking as he crossed the dingy hideout.

    “All right, fine, I won’t ask.” the Slowking replied, a little miffed as he adjusted his swirling “crown” idly. With a sigh and a shake of his head, he looked down at the shining utensil and its crimson coating. “Looks like I’ll have to clean this up.”

    Toddling over to a strange contraption resembling a dishwasher on steroids, he dropped Weiss’s twisted spoon into an opening in the top, and punched a couple buttons on the front. The machine began to rumble violently, creating a loud rattling noise that shook the whole room.

    Frowning slightly, the Slowking gave it a smart kick. It responded with a sputter and crack, spouting a few bubbles from its pipes as it shook. Groaning, he shuffled around back, and began to fool with the wires and connections.

    Back at the doorway, another human-like form materialized, this one much more slender and graceful, without the chunky, aproportionate arms and legs of an Alakazam, but with a white, dress-like form, slender limbs, and soft features with a green helmet of sorts resembling hair.

    "Evening, Professor," the Gardevoir spoke telepathically.

    “Good evening, Miss Lilian!” the Professor shouted over the cacophony of clashing metal and fizzing water.

    “Having some trouble there, Professor?” she replied with a light chuckle.

    “Yes, very much so! Would you be a dear and hand me that wrench? It should be on the table to your left!” he yelled, trying to stem the flow from a wild water hose.

    “Of course.” she replied, telekinetically lifting the rusty tool and moving towards the Professor.

    “Thank you, dear!” he yelled, as he distractedly grasped for it with his mitten-shaped hand.

    “Why don’t you just communicate telepathically, Professor?” Lily inquired.

    “I have a mouth and am able to use it. I see no reason to waste perfectly good vocal cords.,” he answered as he continued to switch around hoses, causing a puddle of water to form around the machine.

    “Do you know where Weiss went? He should be back by now.” she asked, looking curiously at the Professor’s machine.

    “I believe he’s right outsi-” The Professor was cut short when the dishwasher gave a squealing moan before spitting a torrent of water from its pipes, throwing the Slowking against the wall.

    Spitting and gagging, the Psychic type tried to control the flow, arching the water into coils with his psychic abilities, but found it difficult to control the exponentially increasing volumes of liquid.

    “Thank you, Professor.” she responded, giggling lightly.

    “No… problem!” the Professor replied distractedly, waving shortly towards Lily as she floated through the room.

    Before she could make it to the door, however, the contraption gave a light ping, and the flow of water stopped. In his surprise, the Professor dropped the water he had been psychically holding, drenching himself and the machine. Sighing, he shuffled over to the dishwasher once again, and withdrew the spoon from within.

    “Here, Lilian, give this to him while you’re at it, will you?” the Professor requested, tossing her the malformed dinnerware.

    “Sure.” she responded, catching the spoon briskly.

    As Lily floated out the door, the Professor sighed and slumped over his invention, adjusting his Shellder crown once more.

    ~-~

    Weiss, perched on a twisting oak overlooking the forest below, gazed out to the sea of dancing leaves. The wind whipped about the treetops of the foothills of Mt. Moon, stirring a resounding chorus that rang through the air. Idly, he spun his remaining spoon in his hand, as Lily floated from the hideout. With a swift jump, she flew into the air, landing gracefully on the sturdy limb, and took a seat next to Weiss.

    “How was it?” she asked.

    “Fine.” he replied shortly.

    “Your spoon is done,” she continued, offering him the other twisted utensil.

    “Thanks,” he responded, taking the flatware as he continued to watch the shifting winds.

    “Have any problems?” prompted Lily, trying to extract some conversation from his sour mood.

    “No, not really. Though the guy did have an Arcanine. I wish someone would tell me things like that in advanced so I don’t get my *** scorched.” Weiss turned to face her, pointing towards a singed bit of hair at the tip of his moustache.

    Lily giggled a little, reaching out to examine the charred portion.

    “I hope you didn’t hurt it,” she replied, turning the hair in her hand, “I’m awfully fond of Arcanine.”

    “No, just put it to sleep and wiped its memory. Don’t want some Hypno extracting its thoughts or anything,” he commented, running a finger over the burnt ends.

    She nodded, smiling slightly. Turning towards him, she looked into his eyes as the followed the winds path across the canopy, and frowned a little.

    “Hey, is something wrong?” Lily inquired.

    “No,” Weiss shook his head shortly, eyes fixated on the trees.

    “Come on, you know you can’t hide it from me,” she replied.

    Weiss sighed. “Well, I guess something has been bothering me…”

    Before he could begin, a piercing voice broke into both of their heads.

    “Hey, lovebirds, you can finish up your conversation later,” came the echoing telepathic tone, with a bit of a homely, almost Southern inflection, “soup’s on!”

    In response, Lily giggled, saying, “Yes, Mama, be down in a second.”

    Weiss simply shook his head and rolled his eyes, saying nothing, and teleported off the branch onto the ground below. Lily quickly followed, and the two proceeded into the hideout once again, making their way to the dining room.

    ~~

    Entering the dining room, the pair casually slipped into their respective seats, Lily sitting upon a rustic lawn chair decorated with faded flowers of formerly brilliant hues, while Weiss took residence upon a particular armchair with a dusty red satin lining and intricate woodcarving eaten at the edges by woodlice. On the far right of the two sat the Professor, the only other to have taken his throne-like seat, locked in persuasive conversation with someone in the next room.

    “But sweetest honeysuckle, I’m only trying to make our lives easier!” he pleaded.

    “Claude, honey, you honestly need to control those contraptions of yours before you blow us all sky high.” the same voice that called them earlier replied, “If you blow our cover, it’ll be your head on my wall.”

    With that, a Mr., or, more appropriately, Mrs. Mime clad in a floral print apron came from the adjoining kitchen, wagging her oversized finger as a slew of serving platters loaded with all variety of steaming delicacies danced about her. She looked almost out of place with her comical features and odd, homegrown mannerisms, and reflected this in her moniker, affectionately referred to as “Mama”.

    “But Muriel, my sugarplum fairy, I’m doing it for your sake, not just my own!” he implored, frowning slightly as he spoke.

    “Keep those experiments of yours under control or we won’t have any sake left to do things for!” she replied, flinging her arms up. A bowl of mashed potatoes flew wildly upwards, spinning crazily as it reached the edge of her telekinetic influence. Reacting quickly, Lily plucked it out of the air, guiding it to rest firmly on the solid dining table.

    “If I don’t experiment, I’ll never make anything; breakthroughs take risk, my darling Delcatty!” he retorted, becoming more desperate.

    “I don’t want you risking our necks for ‘breakthroughs’,” she said, emphasizing her point with air quotes. The gravy rocked uneasily, in danger of spilling its contents, while the water pitcher bobbed perilously. “I’m more concerned about the wellbeing of our orphanage than this little spy team you’ve worked up, Claude.”

    Before anything spilled, Lily grabbed both from the mime’s telekinetic grip, placing them safely on the tabletop.

    “Spy team? But this is the leading espionage organization in the region!” the Professor debated, with a hint of anger rising in his voice.

    “Espionage organization, my ***! While I’m working my tail off keeping up with the lil’uns, ya’ll are runnin’ about, pickin’ off CEO’s for a buck! I don’t even know why I agreed to it to begin with!” she countered, her home-broiled side showing.

    With some effort, Lily managed to save the asparagus, green beans, salad and the meat from their untimely demise.

    “Well, it’s paid the bills, hasn’t it?” the Professor argued, starting to yell slightly.

    “Don’t you raise your voice with me, Mr. Big Britches!” she snapped.

    The collard greens, however, weren’t as lucky as their homemade brethren, careening toward the far doorway as a Grumpig walked in. The plate made firm contact with the pig’s face, knocking him backwards and flinging his headset across the hallway. The yelling from the two Psychics reached a fevered pitch, as both parties began shouting, orally and mentally, clogging the ears and minds of the onlookers with a cacophony of yells.

    Weiss couldn’t stand it any longer.

    “STOP!”

    His telepathic shout rang through the room, silencing both of them.

    “Why don’t we save it for later and eat before the damn food gets cold? You already sacrificed the greens for your argument, so don’t let the rest of the damn dinner go to waste.”

    Angrily, he stabbed a spoon into the potatoes, shoveling a mound of fluffy white goodness onto his plate. Grudgingly, both Mama and the Professor took their seats, glaring daggers at each other from their throne-like chairs.

    The Grumpig slowly rose to his feet, pulling the mess of greasy greens off his face.

    “What’s with those two?” Leinster asked, pulling his headset back to him telekinetically.

    “Oh, just a little bit of a disagreement, that’s all.” replied Lily lightly.

    “A little bit, that’s an understatement.” responded Leinster, pulling up a chair fashioned from old brass gears, rods and pipes. “What do we got on the menu tonight?”

    “Potatoes, asparagus, green beans.” Mama listed as she filled her plate.

    “We would have collard greens if someone wouldn’t lose her temper.” the Professor mumbled.

    “What’d ya say?” Mama interjected, pointing a fork at the Slowking as a mass of green beans plopped messily into her potato mountain.

    “Nothing, Muriel.” the Professor replied with an innocent smile.

    “S’what I thought,” responded Mama bitterly, turning back to her plate, “Oh, and some Spoink chops.”

    A look of horror washed over Leinster’s face. “Sp…spoink chops?” he stuttered in shock.

    “The Tauros steaks looked bad and it’s the only other thing the guy had.”

    “Augh, I think I’m gonna be sick…” Leinster replied, scurrying out of the room with hooves over his mouth.

    “What’s his beef?” a sleek and lanky Gallade asked, avoiding Leinster as he walked into the dining room.

    “More like ‘What’s his pork?’” chuckled Weiss, prompting a swift elbow in the side from Lily.

    “Just a little spooked, is all, Guillermo.” Lily answered.

    “Ooh, Spoink chops!” Guillermo exclaimed, taking a seat in his rusty folding chair as he grabbed one off the plate.

    Mama looked up from her food shortly to see the pile of meat nearly untouched.

    “What’s wrong with you folks? Eat up!” she questioned, glancing at Lily, Weiss and the Professor.

    “Vegetarian.” replied Lily.

    Weiss began to move his hand, but with a cold glare from Lily, he dropped the hold, and gave a what-are-you-looking-at-me-for look. She gave him another swift elbow to his ribs.

    “Uh, not in the mood.” he choked out.

    “On a diet.” the Professor answered confidently, smiling and straightening up a little.

    “Good, you need it.” Mama retorted, going back to her food.

    “What’s that supposed to mean?” the Professor defended, anger flaring again.

    “Ah, ah, ah! Let’s not start this up again.” Weiss interrupted, glaring at the Professor, who turned back to his asparagus in silence.

    As the five of them silently downed their food, (though Guillermo was anything but silent as he shoveled down the contents of his plate) a tiny levitating Pokémon resembling a patterned wind chime floated in from the window, closely followed by a flat, mirror-like Pokémon, who timidly drifted towards Mama.

    “GANGAN!” the Chimecho rang, announcing her arrival jovially.

    “Oh, Gangan!” Mama greeted, her face lighting up. Abandoning her own plate, she prepared one for the chime, piling it up with a little bit of everything. When placing the food in front of her, the Chimecho attacked it like a rabid dog, devouring every bit. Meanwhile, Bronzor slowly floated towards Mama, looking at her innocently as it spoke with a voice that sounded like glass bells.

    “Mama, can I have some too?” asked Quintong.

    “Why of course, Quinny.” she replied, preparing the Bronzor a more conservative platter.

    The little bronze mirror gave a small smile, but ignored the contents of the plate, instead eating the porcelain itself. Mama summoned up another plate which she covered with the leftover vegetables. Glancing over at Weiss, she shoved the plate in his direction.

    “Hey, Houdini, you look like you’re done,” she observed, despite the fact that he had a good deal left on his plate, “go take this up to ‘Tex.”

    The Alakazam sighed and grimaced slightly.

    “Yeah, sure, whatever, Muriel.” he replied coldly, taking the plate.

    “For the last time, call me Mama!” she scolded as Weiss grabbed his spoons from the potatoes and stood. “Wait, lemme wash your spoons, dear. I don’t want Claude flooding the house or something.”

    The Professor shot a nasty glare at Mama as Weiss rolled his eyes, handing over the spoons. Grabbing the plate, he walked out the door rubbing his temple with his free hand.

    “Now what am I going to do with all this meat…?”

    ~~

    The air was considerably cooler than it had been earlier, and the wind whipped at Weiss’s moustache, wisps of burnt hair dancing wildly. The Alakazam slowly trudged up the dark hill, squinting to make out the shape of a totem-like bird sitting on its peak. As he approached, the Xatu made no notice of his appearance, continuing to stare blankly into the distance. Looking into the bird’s stonewall of a face, Weiss mindlessly swapped the full plate with an empty, immaculate one sitting on the rotting wooden stool in front of him. As he turned to leave, the mystic Pokémon raised a wing, blocking his path.

    “You. You are the one who goes by the name of Weiss, yes?” Quetzalcoatl spoke, despite being as motionless as a statue.

    Weiss paused a moment, looking from its rigid façade to its wing to the strange patterns on its chest. “Yes.” he finally replied.

    “I have foreseen things. Terrible things. Horrible things. Unbearably painful things.” it spoke, finally moving its static eyes to rest squarely on his head. “If you do not leave this place, you will endure the greatest pain you have ever felt.”

    The Xatu’s empty eyes began to glow ominously.

    Though something at Weiss’s gut pulled him, beckoning him to leave, he stayed glued to the spot, as stagnant as Quetzalcoatl. Suddenly, every inch of him was filled with an intense, sharp pain. Even the perception of the world outside of him hurt. His thoughts hurt. Like a dead leaf, he crumpled to the ground, curling into a broken mass on the soft, moist ground. Just as suddenly as it arrived, the pain was gone. Weiss practically torn open his eyes, starring fearfully at the glow from the hideout in the distance.

    “You have been warned.” the Xatu stated simply, lowering his wing.

    Heart racing and head pounding, Weiss got to his feet slowly. If he wasn’t so shocked, he would like to have broken the insane bird’s wings in two. Heaving a large sigh, he flickered out of existence momentarily, teleporting away from the foreboding hill.

    ~~

    “Here’s your goddammed plate.” Weiss snapped, throwing the chipped blue disc directly at Mama. With cat-like reflexes, she managed to pluck it from its trajectory, placing it into the soapy water. Just as she did, the pair of contorted silverware flew from the bubbly morass, careening towards Weiss, who effortlessly caught them in both hands.

    Mama frowned, turning towards the Professor, who was downing a slice of Aguave Berry pie.

    “I worry sometimes for him,” she remarked, “I don’t think all that killing’s good for a Pokémon, especially one like him.”

    The Professor finished off his pie, frowning slightly himself.

    “Unfortunately, we require his skill set. What we do is for the greater good. Pick out a few bad apples to save the bunch, you know?” the Professor replied.

    “I know, but I still have my doubts. This kinda thing never ends well.” Mama said, disheartened, sighing as she turned back towards the sink.

    The Professor waddled up behind her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

    “I know, my little Berry Muffin, but it’s what we do. These Rockets are crafty and we have to keep one step ahead of them.” the Professor tried to reassure her, but Mama’s frown simply grew as she plunged her hands into the dishwater once again.
    Last edited by Jerichi; 3rd January 2009 at 4:49 AM.

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    [jerichi]

    A new fanfic by yours truly.
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    Very, very interesting. So we have a sorta Psychic-house here. There were quite a few events here that were pretty amusing, such as the washer malfunctioning or Quinny eating the plate. But the last two parts were certainly ominous. Quetzalcoatl (very good name btw) had a fairly dire warning. And what was this about the Rockets? Hmm...me thinks that there will be some very interesting things coming up.

    One thing though. How is it that you post a preview in the TO discussion and get some people to read, yet when I did that, I got noone? Not that that's a big deal...

    Anyway, good story so far. You've definitely garnered my interest. Go ahead and throw me on the PM list too.

    Now being reposted!


  16. #16
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    Hi Jerichi. I like your fan fic, here's my review.

    First, your story is great! I think it is very creative and thrilling, which is good because that keeps the reader interested. But at the same time it makes the reader curious and think what will happen next. Again, this keeps the reader interested.

    Second, I just love how you personify the pokemon! You describe the pokemon so well, and give each of them such a vivid personality. Each pokemon seems so real because of the description and word images that come from your story. Keep this up, by using even more personification, imagery, and dialogue. It makes your story even more awesome. But, I think you can work on describing their surroundings a bit more though. You do give us some explanation, but without a bit more information on their surroundings the story can get confusing. Maybe you can describe the house a bit more. I mean, is it a big fancy house? Or is it a small, cramped house where the pokemon are hiding? We won't know unless you give us as much information as possible.

    Third and finally, I see a few grammar and spelling mistakes. But I wouldn't worry about it, because overall the grammar and spelling is pretty good.

    Please add me to the PM list. You're doing a great job on this story, keep it up!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerichi View Post
    Evening, Professor, the Gardevoir spoke telepathically.
    Missing quotation marks here.

    Entering the dining room, the pair casually slipped into their respective seats, Lily sitting upon a rustic lawn chair decorated with faded flowers of formerly brilliant hues, while Weiss took residence upon a particular armchair with a dusty red satin lining and intricate woodcarving eaten at the edges by woodlice. On the far right of the two sat the Professor, the only other to have taken his throne-like sea, locked in persuasive conversation with someone in the next room.
    "throne-like sea" should be seat, I assume.

    From a quick look that's all I've noticed in the realm of typos...

    Anyway, very nice, the dialogue seemed to stretch on forever, but you already appologized for the chapter being long, so I'll let that go...

    Also, nice use of Quetzalcoatl as a name, very appropriate for a Xatu, and very different at the same time, as rarely do most people name their characters after Aztec mythological references.
    PASBL Stats
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    PokemonHero ~ Thanks for the comments, PH. I was going for the ominous feeling with Quetzalcotl, but that bit of foreshadowing won't come into play for a long time...

    And I honestly don't know. Connections, I suppose.

    Oh, I also need to give your fic a read to return the favor.

    FlaaffyFan ~ Thanks for the CC; it's hard to get good crit here.

    I'll take that advice to heart, as I've looked back over my next few chapters and I don't explain it too much. I do like to leave some things up to the reader, though, as I feel that it makes them think a bit more.

    TerminatorTotodile ~ Thanks, TT, I'll go fix those soon.

    The dialogue is pretty long, though, but its what helps carry the exposition, so.

    Thanks, though.

    General thing: I'll probably be posting the next chapter once I get another chapter finished (I've got about 6 chapters done already and I'd like to keep a few ahead of the game in case I hit a wall). Expect it before next week or so.

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    [jerichi]

    A new fanfic by yours truly.
    E.S.P.A.S.
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    So, reviewism?

    From fisheh? O ai.

    As it is, pokemon assassins are pretty nice as a concept, and the fact that this house of psychic nutters gets along as well as salt and pepper makes for something very amusing.

    Git my arse on that PM list, Jeri.


    I reject your Nyancats and replace it with my own.
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    fishyfool ~ Thanks for the feedback, fishy. I can guarantee you that it only gets more nutty as things go on. I hope I don't disappoint.

    So, I've pretty much managed to finish another couple chapters in advanced, so I thought there was no point in sitting on Chapter 2. Bare with me here, as it is a bit of a transitional chapter, but I think it's not too bad.


    Fit Two


    Guillermo teleported silently into the cramped, wire-covered room, trying his best to navigate the maze of wires silently. Reaching out his hands, he slowly moved towards the Grumpig sitting in his office chair, but before he could snatch the headset off Leinster's ears, the pig turned around pushing him back with a burst of telekinetic energy. Leinster collapsed amongst a tangle of equipment and chords.

    “I told you never to sneak up on me.” Leinster said, shaking his head as he moved items back into place.

    Guillermo sighed and slouched a bit out of defeat, causing Leinster to chuckle a bit as he turned back towards his screens.

    “So what do we got cookin’ today, Lein?” Guillermo asked as he unsnarled himself.

    “Trying to patch a feed right now. You have no idea how hard it is to find seven good proxies and unoccupied spy satellites…” Leinster remarked offhandedly as his hooves sped across a series of three keyboards, “Where’s everyone else?”

    “Comin’. I just wanted to get a good seat, yanno?” Guillermo replied, chuckling.

    “Lily just turned you down again, didn’t she?” Leinster asked, smirking a bit as he adjusted his headset.

    Guillermo coughed nervously, looking out the window.

    “I thought so.”

    A moment later, the remainder of the team began to file in, first, the Professor, soon followed by Weiss, Lilly and Mama, who cradled a half-awake Mime Jr. in her arms as he suckled a bottle contently. Soon after, Gangan and Quintong floated in through the window, both filling the air with a light tinkle to signal their arrival.

    “Ah, right on time. I just managed to find that patch. Professor, would you do the honors?” Leinster asked, leaning back in his chair.

    “Why of course.” he replied, scooting over to a strange conglomeration of parts fashioned from an old television set, a satellite dish, rabbit-ears, and other miscellaneous coils and wires.

    He flipped a switch on the side, and the machine began to whir as the dish spun, but it soon sputtered and cracked, sending sparks from its wiring. Frustrated, the Professor gave it a quick smack, and the contraption buckled back into place, running smoothly as the sparks subsided.

    “Main screen turn on.” Leinster said robotically, punching a red button in the center of his module.

    The large flatscreen in the center flickered to life, showing a face hidden by a blanket of umbra. From the speaker system surrounding the room came a distorted, variable voice that crackled heavily as it passed through a series of filters and a maze of encrypted channels.

    “Good morning, gentlemen, ladies.” the shaded man greeted, a nod barely visible amongst the black, “My regards to Mama.”

    “And a good day to you as well, sir,” Mama responded, adjusting the sleeping baby in her arms.

    “That’s an awfully cute little one you have there.” the man commented.

    “Why thank you. I just picked him up last week wandering around the city when I was shopping. It seems that his trainer had thrown him away looking for a better Mime.” she replied, rubbing the little mimic’s head.

    “Its good to know our funds are going to a good cause. Anyways, we have a new assignment for you. This one is an investigation.” it stated.

    “I’m out then.” Weiss said, turning to leave.

    “Ah, not so fast, Weiss. We’ll be needing you as well.” the man said before the Alakazam walked out, “It’s not exactly an assassination, but it will require your skills.”

    Weiss stopped, his interest piqued.

    “All right then,” he started, turning back to the screen, “what is it then?”

    “You’ll be going on a cruise.” the man answered.

    Everyone’s faces, save that of Weiss, lit up.

    “Wait, hold on, what’s the catch?” Weiss interrupted.

    “You’ll be investigating one of the guests on the S.S. Anne’s maiden voyage, and possibly capturing him. His name is Bill. I’ve sent a complete file on the target to Leinster.”

    Leinster nodded, typing away momentarily before opening the file and printing off a copy. He handed it to Weiss, who looked at the picture curiously. The man, no older than 25, stood in front of a brick wall, holding a Pokéball with a smirk on his face. A head of messy auburn hair stood out from his indigo-colored shirt.

    “He is an expert in Pokémon storage and evolution. He’s very valuable to us and we don’t want the Rockets to get their dirty paws on him before we can. He’s on the guest list, so we expect him to show up. We want you to get some information from him by any means you see fit and transfer it back to us. Only capture him as a last resort to keep him away from Rockets. We want this to be as covert as possible.

    “You’ll be met by one of our agents in Vermillion. Don’t worry about finding him, he’ll find you. From there, you’ll be given further instructions. I’ve sent you the tickets via Fearow. I believe it should arrive right about now.”

    Just then, a gigantic, almost demonic bird stuck its large beak in through the window, spooking Gangan and Quintong, who both immediately reacted with their respective Extrasensory attack. The bird suddenly went into a confused stupor, dropping the tickets into the web of cords. Guillermo began to fish them from the ensnared jungle of electrical connections, and held up four slips.

    “Why are there only four?” he asked as he pulled himself from the tangle.

    “It will all be explained when you arrive. Good luck.”

    With that, the transmission ended, and the screen went black again. Suddenly, the Professors machine began to sputter and click again, and he gave it a swift kick.

    “Stupid Psychotransmiter. Always crashing like this.” the Professor remarked, swearing under his breath.

    The Fearow, with its head still stuck in the window, came to its senses, and was clearly angry. Squawking and writhing, it began to fling its long beak about, tearing random power cords and connections from the wall. Panicked, Leinster jumped from his chair, frantically plugging them back into their places. The young Mime Jr. awoke, and began to cry loudly. Weiss’s hands flew to his ears as he glared at the bird.

    “Would someone control that damn bird?!” Mama shouted telekinetically over the racket.

    Lily immediately complied, floating over to the demonic avian, trying to calm it.

    “God, I have no idea how we’ll manage to pull this off.” Weiss commented to himself before teleporting out of the room.

    ~~

    “Can we go shopping?” Guillermo pleaded as they looked down upon the city from one of the various cliffs that surrounded the city despite the fact that it was miles away from the nearest significant drop in altitude.

    The trip to Vermillion was short and easy, even if it was a quite a distance from home base in the foothills of Mount Moon. Despite a few squabbles between Mama and the Professor and Guillermo’s continuous advances towards Lily, the trek through the Celadon Forest was not terribly unbearable for the Alakazam. Due to the League’s limiting of trainers to specific areas as not to be liable for any ten-year-olds getting lost in the thicket in the middle of the night, their trips from one place to another were generally uninterrupted aside from the occasional cocky veteran or tenderfoot that strayed from Route 1. In this case, it was no different, and by the next morning, the group had arrived in the port city of Vermillion.

    “No, hun.” Mama replied to the excitable Gallade.

    “But you go out and do it all the time!” Guillermo whined.

    “When you become a Pokémon people actually expect to see ‘round these parts, we’ll talk. Otherwise, you’ll stay out of the public eye.” Mama countered.

    Guillermo crossed his long arms, putting on a dejected look.

    “So, where are we supposed to meet him?” Lily inquired.

    “He said that he’d find us.” Leinster responded.

    “Well, it’s probably best to hang around someplace secluded until we can figure out what to do.” the Professor remarked verbally.

    “For the last time, Claude, use your telepathy on missions. We can’t have you blowing our cover because of your yammering!” Mama snapped.

    “Fine, fine.” the Professor submitted, speaking telepathically, “I know of a construction site not too far from here. A Machop that works there is the son of my good friend.”

    ~~

    The construction site resembled more of a back lot than a legitimate building project, situated behind a few houses and the local Pokémart. Things were scattered everywhere and only the half-completed steel skeleton of a structure stood. A lone Machop stood in the center of it, stomping repeatedly at the ground.

    “Ah, Jimmy, it’s nice to see you again!” the Professor greeted, waving towards the tiny Fighter.

    The Machop turned away from his work, noticing the visitor.

    “Oh, Uncle Claude!” Jimmy exclaimed, running over to the Professor and giving him a big hug, accidently picking him cleanly from the ground in the process.

    “Woah there- boy… you’re choking me!” he gasped.

    Blushing, Jimmy set the Professor down.

    “Looks like you still don’t know your own strength, boy,” the Professor chuckled, “Where’s Hank?”

    “Oh, he’s off somewhere, talking to some ‘fine-answer’ or somethin’.” Jimmy replied nonchalantly, “I’m just here flattenin’ the ground for him.”

    “Jimmy’s father is a Machamp he knew back in his battling days. They were real close friends.” Mama informed the group telepathically.

    “Ah, well, I’ve got a favor to ask of you. Me and my friends here are waiting for someone, you mind if we set up shop here until we can find ‘em?”

    “Oh!” Jimmy interjected, suddenly remembering something, “Someone came by earlier looking for you. They left this.” Jimmy grabbed a piece of letter paper printed with black cursive text. It read:

    Meet at Pokémon Fan Club at 2:00 PM. Boat sails at 3:00 PM.

    Pleasure to work with you.


    The Professor handed the note to Mama, who passed it around the group.

    “It’s almost 1:30. If you wanna meet that guy, you best get goin’.” Jimmy suggested.

    “Will do.” The Professor replied, “Say, could you describe the guy for me?”

    “Well, he was pretty tall, at least in comparison to me. About as tall as that guy.” Jimmy described, pointing at Guillermo, “He wore all black and covered his face. Kinda funny.”

    “Thanks, boy. We’ll drop in to see ya sometime, ya hear?” the Professor said, giving him a slap on the back.

    “You betcha!” Jimmy replied excitedly, doing the same.

    The Professor skidded forward, colliding face-first with a pile of wood.

    “Sorry about that, Uncle Claude…”

    ~~

    “So, we’re supposed to meet him here?” asked Guillermo.

    “It seems like a bit of a weird place to conduct business, especially with all the rare Pokémon fanatics running around.” Leinster pointed out.

    “Especially considering the fact that most of us can’t be found around here. We blow our cover and we’re done for.” remarked Weiss, glaring at Guillermo.

    The group had made their way around the outskirts of town, careful to avoid any centers of population. Despite nearly being discovered when Guillermo tried to “work his magic” on a trainer’s Jynx, the short trek to the strangely large facility, complete with 5 battling arenas and a Pokémon garden, went without a hitch.

    “I wonder what this agent is supposed to look like.” pondered The Professor, reviewing the note once again.

    “Is that him?” inquired Quintong timidly, turning towards a man in a black suit and sleek black hat standing in the center of the middle battlefield who seemed to appear out of nowhere.

    “He looks like he fits Jimmy’s description.” remarked the Professor, squinting to get a better look at him.

    “What are we waiting for?” Guillermo asked enthusiastically before attempting to bound from their cover amongst the bushes.

    Suddenly, he was frozen in place, and began to float above the ground. Slowly, he was pulled back, and dropped from about a foot in the air, landing heavily amongst the foliage.

    “Now, William, we have to stay put until the time is right.” Mama scolded, wagging a finger at the Gallade.

    “The name’s Guillermo.” he scoffed.

    Weiss rolled his eyes and Lily giggled, both amused by the “gallant” Pokémon’s antics.

    “He’s coming this way!” Leinster interrupted, pointing towards the man in the black suit as he began to walk towards the forest.

    The Psychics all took their respective hiding places amongst the bushes and trees, attempting to obscure themselves as well as they could while still keeping the man in their line of sight.

    “What’s he doing? I can’t see!” Guillermo complained, still awkwardly sprawled across a few shrubs.

    “He’s going towards the bench.” Leinster reported.

    “He has big shoes.” Gangan observed randomly.

    “He seems to be just sitting.” Lily commented, “Maybe this isn’t who we’re supposed to be meeting.”

    “Good day to you.” a voice spoke into their heads, “You are Mama and her team, correct?”

    “That’s right.” Mama replied cautiously.

    “I am your contact. You may call me Sigmund.” the voice stated.

    “Wait, you’re a Pokémon?” asked Guillermo as he began to sit up.

    “As much as the sky is blue.” Sigmund responded.

    “So, Mr. Sigmund, what are our orders?” the Professor chimed in.

    “I believe you have your tickets already.” Sigmund said.

    “Yep.” Mama confirmed.

    “You are to board the boat in pairs. Each of you will be assigned a trainer as cover. Do not worry, you will not be required to enter a Pokéball, as you will have complete control over them.” Sigmund explained.

    “So, are they like androids or something?” Leinster asked curiously.

    “No, they are grunts we picked up from the Rockets. Completely disposable.” Sigmund replied.

    “Most of them don’t have IQs over 70 anyways. It’s probably smart to dispose of them.” Weiss joked, receiving an elbow from Lily.

    Sigmund ignored the distasteful joke, continuing. “You’ll enter the boat using them to interact with any one who wishes to impede your assignment. I believe you already know your target?”

    “Yep.” Mama verified.

    “You are also to use your respective ‘trainers’ to interact with him.” Sigmund continued, “He is top priority. If anyone gets in your way, simply try to circumvent him or her. We do not wish to injure any innocent people in this. As I am sure you are aware, you may only capture him if he is in any danger.”

    “Gotcha.” Mama replied.

    “Will you be accompanying us, Mr. Sigmund?” the Professor posed.

    “Yes, but do not attempt to interact with me. I will simply be observing to make sure things go to plan.” Sigmund answered. “If something goes awry, I will do what is in my power to assist.

    “You will need to go in separately to prevent any suspicion. Each of you will be assigned to a certain area of the boat as to maximize our coverage. How will you be configuring your groups?”

    Lily quickly cut in before Guillermo had a chance to speak. “I’ll be going with Weiss.”

    Leinster responded soon after, “I’ll go with Guillermo.”

    “Wait a minute!” interjected Mama, “I’m not leaving Gangan and Quinny by themselves. They’ll have to go with me and the Professor or the deal is off.”

    “Very well,” complied Sigmund, “I will cover the back of the ship personally. Weiss and Lily will take the first floor. Guillermo and Leinster will take the top balcony. Mama and Claude will take the bow. Boarding will begin at 2:30. We will board every five minutes, and Guillermo and Leinster will board first, as they have the most direct view of all the people entering and exiting the boat. Then, Weiss and Lily, Mama and her group, and finally, I will board.”

    “All right then.” Mama replied.

    “The grunts are lounging in the front lot. Each has an amplifier attached to their neck. Use it to control them. I will see you in…” Sigmund checked his watch briefly before standing, “twenty minutes.”

    “Thank ya, sir.” Mama said.

    With that, Sigmund walked back towards the fan club before disappearing abruptly.

    “Huh. I wonder what kind of Pokémon he is.” Leinster pondered.

    Guillermo began to hum an upbeat tune.

    “What are you humming?” asked Lily, the tune sounding strangely familiar.

    “Oh, nothing.” replied Guillermo.

  21. #21
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    I read your next chapter, but I don't have time to review it. So i'll come back later and edit this post with my review.

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    My favorite chapter so far, as I like suspense more than most things.

    I'm assuming Bill is the Pokemaniac. And I'm going to guess that the mysterious Psychic Pokemon is Exeggutor.

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    Jeri, I'm gonna be honest, I didn't read it, but you're still cool.
    PASBL
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    TYRANIDOS KICKS ARCEUS
    Statistics and squad may not be up to date.
    Trainer Level 4 - KOs:104 TP:237.5 SP:15.5 C+ Referee
    38 - 21 - 13

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    I'm back, yet again, as promised. This chapter was certainly interesting. So the Psychic Pokemon are more sophisticated than we believe. I'm now a little suspicious about that Mr. Mime I caught the other day...

    I don't why, but I found the idea of them using captured Rockets as puppets sorta amusing. And for some reason, I suspect that Bill may not leave the ship alive. Perhaps that just me, but I don't know.

    But yeah, it was definitely a good chapter. I'll be sure to keep up with it.

    Now being reposted!


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    One full review, coming up!

    Prologue

    Scamp suddenly jumped from the couch, barking wildly as he pealed towards the corridor.
    Not entirely sure if this is the word you were looking for her, pealed (according to my Word thesaurus anyway) suggested something to do with clamour and noise, like a bell. Perhaps bolted or something else would suit better, but that’s just my suggestion.

    Scamp suddenly jumped from the couch, barking wildly as he pealed towards the corridor.

    “Hey, what’s wrong, buddy?” Henry asked as Scamp turned the corner, still barking furiously.

    When the Arcanine didn’t respond, he got to his feet slowly, peering towards the window-lined passageway as the barking echoed loudly through the apartment. After a few seconds, the barking began to die away. Now even more curious, Henry shuffled down the hallway warily, trying to catch a glimpse of Scamp in the distance.
    Not a problem here, per say, but you could try using different words instead of using barking four times in three paragraphs.

    Confused and gasping for air, Henry thrash and called for Scamp with what little breath he could muster.
    Thrashed.

    Another thick arm drew up to his neck. In the three-fingered hand, a contorted spoon was held tightly, twinkling almost beautifully in the multicolour light from the window. Henry became even more confused; a guy breaks into his house, somehow puts his Arcanine to sleep, and threatens him with silverware? But, what if this wasn’t a guy, but-
    Multi-coloured. I loved this bit, btw. Slain by a spoon, what a pride-shattering way to die.

    The Prologue is intriguing. It does give an idea of timeline, what with the incident at Silph and the forming of the Johto league as almost side-thought. Kudos for you for using Arcanine, btw, and cookies to you for not harming him.

    … *insert unspoken death threat towards unethical treatment of Arcanines*


    Chapter One

    Frowning slightly, the Slowking gave it a smart kick. It responded with a sputter and crack, spouting a few bubbles from its pipes as it shook
    Not sure if that’s supposed to say splutter or sputter, just checking for clarification.

    “I believe he’s right outsi-” The Professor was cut short when the dishwasher gave a squealing moan before spitting a torrent of water from its pipes, throwing the Slowking against the wall.

    Spitting and gagging, the Psychic type tried to control the flow, arching the water into coils with his psychic abilities, but found it difficult to control the exponentially increasing volumes of liquid.
    Impressive imagery, couldn’t help but laugh at that.

    “No, not really. Though the guy did have an Arcanine. I wish someone would tell me things like that in advanced so I don’t get my *** scorched.” Weiss turned to face her, pointing towards a singed bit of hair at the tip of his moustache.

    Lily giggled a little, reaching out to examine the charred portion.

    “I hope you didn’t hurt it,” she replied, turning the hair in her hand, “I’m awfully fond of Arcanine.”
    Weiss’ personality is already growing on me, just from this bit. And Lily = awesome for liking Arcanines.

    Lily sitting upon a rustic lawn chair decorated with faded flowers of formerly brilliant hues, while Weiss took residence upon a particular armchair with a dusty red satin lining and intricate woodcarving eaten at the edges by woodlice
    Woodcarvings, I believe that should say.

    I don’t want you risking our necks for ‘breakthroughs’,” she said, emphasizing her point with air quotes. The gravy rocked uneasily, in danger of spilling its contents, while the water pitcher bobbed perilously.
    Great imagery.

    “GANGAN!” the Chimecho rang, announcing her arrival jovially.
    … GANGAN! Awesome!

    “You. You are the one who goes by the name of Weiss, yes?” Quetzalcoatl spoke, despite being as motionless as a statue.
    Quetzalcoatl is the best name for a Xatu ever. An ominous warning too, I like.

    This chapter certainly sets up a lot of characters, I’m looking forward to seeing more of Guillermo and Lily. I did like the fight between Muriel and the Professor, and I felt so sorry for the Grumpig when he found out what was on the menu.

    Gangan, of course, is pure awesome-ness, and we must see more of him. The last little tidbit at the end of the chapter, about the Rockets, however, is quite a useful bit of info. *stores away in head*


    Chapter Two

    Guillermo teleported silently into the cramped, wire-covered room, trying his best to navigate the maze of wires silently.
    Again, not a big issue, but try not to repeat the same words too often. Silently is a pretty easy word to substitute something for.

    Reaching out his hands, he slowly moved towards the Grumpig sitting in his office chair, but before he could snatch the headset off Leinster's ears, the pig turned around pushing him back with a burst of telekinetic energy. Leinster collapsed amongst a tangle of equipment and chords.
    Are you sure it’s Leinster that’s supposed to collapse here?

    “Why of course.” he replied, scooting over to a strange conglomeration of parts fashioned from an old television set, a satellite dish, rabbit-ears, and other miscellaneous coils and wires.
    Kudos on using the word conglomeration.

    “You’ll be investigating one of the guests on the S.S. Anne’s maiden voyage, and possibly capturing him. His name is Bill. I’ve sent a complete file on the target to Leinster.”
    This is going to be fun, I can already see it happening.

    “Thanks, boy. We’ll drop in to see ya sometime, ya hear?” the Professor said, giving him a slap on the back.

    “You betcha!” Jimmy replied excitedly, doing the same.

    The Professor skidded forward, colliding face-first with a pile of wood.
    XD

    As for this chapter, I’m certainly looking forward to how things play out with Bill. I’m impressed by the idea of the psychics controlling the Rocket Grunts, though I’m curious as to Sigmund’s identity… I’m inclined to think either Hypno or Medicham…

    Looking forward to the next chapter,
    Joshua
    PASBL Stats:
    Level 5 Trainer, 30 Pokemon
    34-22-12, 100 KOs, 253.5TP, 1.25 SP
    Badges: Maelstrom (Flying), Abnormality (Normal)
    2x/4x Reffing System

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