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Thread: Pokemon Heart Gold: A New Journey

  1. #1
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    Smile Pokemon Heart Gold: A New Journey

    I edited it to fix grammer errors. Sorry fro inconvience!

    In the quaint town of New Bark, the first morning rays illuminated the streets. Hoothoot flew back to thier nests, content that thier night hunt was over. Pidgey rushed out to replace them, singing thier morning tunes, thier beatiful white and brown feathers ruffling and wavy. The Sentret poked thier heads out of thier underground nests, thier curious little faces look around worriedly.

    Amidst all this was a light blue house, with a dark blue roof and a plain white door. A moment later, that door flung open, revealing a boy with an orange and red hat, blue jeans, a yellow and black backpack, and an official Pokemon Jacket. This boy, was Alex. He was average height for a ten year old, but had not lived in New Bark Town for long. Once, he lived in the vivid port of Vermilion City. His Mother had decided to move after thier father was killed by a Rhyhorn gone wild. The event had been tragic for Alex, so they hoped to start again in New Bark. So far, it had been working out well. Alex had entered Pokemon Trainer's school, completing the final exam with flying colors. Yesterday, he had finally gotten his Trainer's License, I major goal in a boys life. Now, Alex stood, ready for adeventure.

    "Good Luck! I hope this adventure does you well!" His Mother had said before he had left.

    Alex did not know what she meant by "I hope this adventure does you well!" But, Alex didn't let that bother him. Today was suposed to be a great day!

    Closing his door, Alex rushed from the doorway, his backpack shaking wildly on his back. His red and black Poke' Gear was firmly strapped in his pants Pocket, while six empty, red and gleaming Poke' Balls hung on his belt. Where would this boy, so early in the morning be rushing off to? Today was a day Alex would remember for the rest of his life: the day his great Pokemon quest began

    So intent on his run, he did not notice a boy about his age, {10} rushing out of New Bark, his black and orange clothes alive with adrenalin. After rushing past multitudes of of plainly colored houses, he finally stopped at the white house that was labled "JOHTO POKEMON EXPERT PROFESSER ELM".

    This is it. My Pokemon Quest is about to begin! Alex thought as he pushed the door open. "I'm here!" He yelled.

    A man with a lab coat on jumped up from his desk. "Ah, Alex! You scared the living daylights out of me!"

    "I'm ready for my Pokemon, Professor Elm!" Alex beamed confidently.

    "Well.... about that...." Prof. Elm said nervously.

    "What? What is it?!" Alex asked, eager to get his Pokemon.

    "My last Pokemon... was stolen this morning." Prof Elm finished.

    The expression on Alex's face turned from eager and excited to sad and disapointed. "All of them?" He asked.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so." Elm said, noticing the boys disapointment.

    Alex started to walk to the doorway when the door bell rang. Elm ran to get it.

    A tall, bearded man with a Pelipper on his shoulder stood there, holding a package. "Package for Professer Elm, from Professer Oak." He said.

    Elm took the package. "Thank you." He shut the door. "I wonder what this is?" He said curiously. He opened the package up, revealing three Poke Balls. "Pokemon?" He said, picking up the Poke' Balls. He threw them, each emitted an intense glare. When the glare subsided, a Charmander, Squirtle, and a Bulbasaur stood there. "Amazing," Elm exclaimed, "Its the Kanto Pokemon I ordered! I didn't expect them to come this early." He turned to Alex. "Now you can have a Pokemon!" He said.

    Alex welled up with Joy. "Thank you sir!" He said, his gaze fixed on the Kanto Starters. Bulbasaur with his bulging, soft bulb, Squirtle, with his polished turtle shell, and Charmander, with his wavy red tail flame. Charmander, he decided, seemed to be the most docile, and still its veins coursed with power. "I pick.... Charmander!" He decided finally.

    "Great!" Elm said happily. He handed Alex Chamrnaders Poke' Ball. "Now, try calling Chamrander into the Poke' Ball, and sending him back out."

    Alex held the Poke Ball out. "Charmander, Return!" He said as Charmander vanished in an intnse red light. "Charmander, Go!" He said as Charmander reapeared in a flash of white light. The Chamrnader ran at Alex, jumping onto him, sending Alex tumbling down. His scaly orange face peered at him curiously.

    "Char, Charmander!" It smiled.

    "Whoa, your're strong!" Alex said.

    Elm laughed. "Looks like you two are getting along already!" Alex climbed back onto his feet. Elm held out a glistening purple Potion. "Here, you should take this, just in case Charmander gets injured. And heres my Poke Gear number."

    "Thanks." Alex said excitedly.

    "Alex, could I ask a favor of you?" Elm asked.

    "Sure." Alex answered.

    "I have a friend, Mr. Pokemon, who claims he discovered the Pokemon Egg. Could you swing by there, and see if its true or not?"

    "Ok, Its on my way to Cherrygrove, so It should be no problem." Alex said, putting Charmander's Poke' Ball in his belt. "Thanks again!" He yelled as he ran out, Chamrander following Close behind."


    How do you like it! Its my Second Topic and post!
    Last edited by Charmander11; 14th January 2010 at 1:00 PM. Reason: Editing

  2. #2
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    this is so awsome

  3. #3
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    It's nice, but you're being to plain when it comes to describing things. Utilize bigger words. It'll make you sound smart.
    LudicoloGuy



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  4. #4
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    Red face OK, may I?

    @vegaxlink:
    this is so awsome
    Ah. We must agree to disagree on that point. Don't get me wrong, I adore journeyfics when they're well-written and constructed. This lacked in the second department more than the first.

    @ludicologuy:
    It's nice, but you're being to plain when it comes to describing things. Utilize bigger words. It'll make you sound smart.
    Ha,ha,ha... oh, you're not joking... Well, using bigger words may make Charmander11 sound smarter, but who said sounding smarter makes you a better writer?

    OK, Charmander11, to keep this post on topic and to be nice, shall I point out your mistakes?

    1. Spacing: It wasn't there. At all. There should be a double space between paragraphs, or everytime a new action is described, thought is revealed or speech made. Even if there's no rule about it (which i doubt), you should consider it anyways. It'll make reading it easier on the eyes.

    2. Description: Scant. Very scant. When I finished paragraph one, i had no idea what a Sentret, Pidgey, or Hoothoot looked like. Hell, I had no idea what you wanted New Bark Town to look like.

    Describing Alex was no better. You were using what is called stringy description (listing points and characteristics) and that never helps. Was Alex tall? Fat? Clumsy? Liked? Your characters were really flat and it made this fic unenjoyable.

    It only gets worse further on:

    Alex rushed from the doorway, his backpack shaking wildly on his back. His Poke' Gear was firmly strapped in his pants Pocket, while six empty Poke' Balls hung on his belt. Where would this boy, so early in the morning be rushing off to? Today was a day Alex would remember for the rest of his life: the day his great Pokemon quest began!
    OK, let's see here what you never told us:
    1, Why'd Alex just run off? Has he heard of the word 'security'?
    2, What's a PokeGear?
    3, What are Poke Balls?
    4, Why's he leaving this morning in particular?
    5, Was no one home to see him off? Why?

    See? You raise more questions that should or could be answered than answers which would raise more questions.

    Professor Elm was hopelessly bland as well. How can your pokemon get stolen and you'd have no idea how? Why didn't Alex care? Why were the Kanto starters sent to Prof. Elm? Where is Kanto? What the hell does a Pelipper look like? And what about Bulbasaur, Squirtle and Charmander? What about Charmander made him look like the better choice?

    You may be wondering now why I'm asking so many questions that i should know the answer to. The reason is this: I'm showing you exactly what a person who is NOT a fan of Pokemon would be thinking if he chanced reading your fic.

    There are no answers, no reasons, no description and no meaningful emotions. It almost looks like you didn't consider these things as you wrote. True, maybe you wanted to expound on them later, but most of these questions needed answers as soon as they were asked.

    When you write a fanfic about any frnachise, do not assume that everyone who will read it is a fan of said franchise. Get in the habit of showing people what you want them to see, not lisitng it.

    Read it over yourself, from the point of view of a reviewer who:

    1. knows what Pokemon are
    2. does not know what Pokemon are

    and see for yourself if it needs work or not. Read some renown fanfiction (we have quite a few here) and see if you can match them or even better, top them.

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  5. #5
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    It's an alright beginning, but I do feel there could be some improvements made to this story, here.

    Firstly, a word of advice on presentation - every new paragraph or time someone else speaks, hit Enter twice so there's a gap in-between the paragraphs. That was, it's easier to read - for with stories on the internet, if there's no spacing in-between it becomes hard to read for people, and that could dissuade people from reading the story. This doesn't take much effort at all to do, so considering editing that aspect first. =)

    The story itself seems rather similar to the GSC (or perhaps now the more recent HG/SS) plot in places, such as Elm telling Alex to go and investigate Mr Pokemon's Pokemon Egg, down to more specifics to Elm giving Alex his PokeGear number. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but there is a danger that if you follow the game's story too much and don't offer anything 'new' to it - not necessarily events, but perhaps a different viewpoint, or a twist, etc, it'll come off as a bit boring for people who have played the game, as they could simply play the same story in game form rather than just read about it. Keep this in mind when you continue writing, I suggest.

    The writing could stand to be expanded upon as well to an extent - more so with description and character reactions, and so forth. But more on that as we go along...

    In the quaint town of New Bark, the first morning rays illuminated the streets. Hoothoot flew back to thier nests, content that thier night hunt was over. Pidgey rushed out to replace them, singing thier morning tunes. The Sentret poked thier heads out of thier underground nests.
    This was a decent beginning, I thought - it set up the scene decently. Note that 'thier' should be 'their' though.
    Amidst all this was a light blue house, with a dark blue roof and a plain white door. A moment later, that door flung open, revealing a boy with an orange and red hat, blue jeans, a yellow and black backpack, and an official Pokemon Jacket. This boy, was Alex.

    Alex rushed from the doorway, his backpack shaking wildly on his back. His Poke' Gear was firmly strapped in his pants Pocket, while six empty Poke' Balls hung on his belt. Where would this boy, so early in the morning be rushing off to? Today was a day Alex would remember for the rest of his life: the day his great Pokemon quest began!
    Firstly, the way you added the accent to the e is a bit awkward - especially when you go without it with 'Pokemon' at the end. I'd suggest to go without it as it looks better that way, or add in the proper accented e in (é) - whatever way you choose though, be consistent with it - don't switch between them but stick to one instead.

    The line I italiced sounds odd as well in that suddenly you addressed us directly as the narrator - broke the fourth wall to ask us something that you answer right away. This can actually bring the reader out of the story and interrupt it somewhat - it's best to stay away from doing that unless it's, say, a comedy fic. Also, light-blue with the hyphen, methinks.

    The description is also a bit listy here - namely about Alex himself. You list what he's wearing one object after the other, which is better than not describing at all, obviously, but it isn't the most enthralling read. What you could do is space it out more, and at the same time give us more of an idea about Alex himself. All we know at the moment is what he is wearing - but nothing about his physical appearance besides clothing, or his personality, and so forth. Adding some more about that would give us more of an idea on what Alex looks like, and what he is like himself.

    If you expand things a bit by, say mixing it with actions (rather than say he has an orange and red hat, have him put the orange and red hat as he walks out the door - that way, we're reading about him doing something at the same time as reading about the hat, which makes the writing more interesting). As for showing more of his personality - what Alex is like - I'd advise showing us rather than telling us.

    A good example of this though is one you made yourself - 'Alex rushed from the doorway, his backpack shaking wildly on his back.' This showed us he was enthusiastic and excited rather nicely, I thought, and makes for much better reading than 'Alex was excited'. Look into keeping that sort of style of writing with any expansions/edits or future chapters you write, and you'll be quite fine, I feel. =)
    He rushed past the multitude of houses, not stopping until he was in front of a tall, white building.
    This is it. My Pokemon Quest is about to begin! Alex thought as he pushed the door open. "I'm here!" He yelled.
    I'd suggest that you italic thoughts or something to distinguish them from everything else that's not thought, but up to you... I'll also add that it makes the previous part I italiced and mentioned was awkward more unnecessary as it's just repeating the fact that Alex's Pokemon Quest' is about to begin.

    With 'He', it should actually be a 'he', as 'he yelled' doesn't stand by itself as a separate sentence. Rather, you should combine it with the dialogue as one sentence, and hence remove the capital letter: '"I'm here!" he yelled.'
    A man with a lab coat on jumped up from his desk. "Ah, Alex! You scared the living daylights out of me!"

    "I'm ready for my Pokemon, Professor Elm!" Alex beamed confidently.
    Some more about what Elm looks nice would be nice, as you're seemingly assuming we know about him and what he looks like - but not all readers would. Describe maybe the setting as well - what is the inside of the lab like? Is it small and cramped, or large and tidy? But again, good that you show us Alex being excited, through stuff like 'beamed confidently', and some of his dialogue. =)
    "Well.... about that...." Prof. Elm said nervously.

    "What? What is it?!" Alex asked, eager to get his Pokemon.

    "My last Pokemon... was stolen this morning." Prof Elm finished.

    The expression on Alex's face turned from eager and excited to sad and disapointed. "All of them?" He asked.
    I wonder if this was Silver at work...XD Maybe showing us some effects of the stealing (such as, say, mayb a broken window Alex suddenly notices, or something) would be something to make this scene more interesting. There's now a bit of 'telling' here rather than showing - you tell us the expression changed to sad and disappointed, when I feel you could have expressed that fact more inventively - his shoulders slumped, smile disappeared, etc would be good beginning points. Also, disappointed, not disapointed.
    "Yes, I'm afraid so." Elm said, noticing the boys disapointment.

    Alex started to walk to the doorway when the door bell rang. Elm ran to get it. A tall, bearded man with a Pelipper on his shoulder stood there, holding a package.
    Another point about the Elm description - this bearded man already got more description than Elm, so consider establishing Elm's appearance some more. But O_O @ the Pelipper on the man's shoulder - I wonder if such a big bird could actually fit there...

    disappointment over disapointment (two p's), boy's over boys, and again, the dialogue and part following it when read should be one sentence rather than two - by itself, 'Elm said, noticing the boy's disappointment.' doesn't work as a sentence, so join them together by changing that full stop to a comma ("Yes, I'm afraid so," Elm said, noticing the boy's disappointment).
    "Package for Professer Elm, from Professer Oak." He said.

    Elm took the package. "Thank you." He shut the door. "I wonder what this is?" He said curiously. He opened the package up, revealing three Poke Balls.
    Same as before - 'He said' doesn't work as a sentence just like that, so join it with the dialogue and hence change the capital H to a small one, and the full stop to a comma: "...from Professor Oak," he said. Same for the second instance - kill off that capital. Also again inconsistency with what you do with the e in Poke - consider this in edits/future chapters. Professor over Professer as well.
    "Pokemon?" He said, picking up the Poke' Balls. He threw them, each emitted an intense glare. When the glare subsided, a Charmander, Squirtle, and a Bulbasaur stood there. "Amazing," Elm exclaimed, "Its the Kanto Pokemon I ordered! I didn't expect them to come this early." He turned to Alex. "Now you can have a Pokemon!" He said.
    the 'He said's' should be 'he said', again. Also the unusual accented e returns right after you went without it the quote above.
    Alex welled up with Joy. "Thank you sir!" He said, his gaze fixed on the Kanto Starters. Bulbasaur with his bulging, soft bulb, Squirtle, with his polished turtle shell, and Charmander, with his wavy red tail flame. Charmander, he decided, seemed to be the most docile, and still its veins coursed with power. "I pick.... Charmander!" He decided finally.
    The two He's should be he's, and the 'still its veins' sounds a bit odd there, to me. =/ (That and if you referred to Charmander as 'his' - a male, then you shouldn't then say 'its'). But nice, brief description here - some more might be nice of Charmander either here or later on in the story, but what is here looks decent.
    "Great!" Elm said happily. He handed Alex Chamrnaders Poke' Ball. "Now, try calling Chamrander into the Poke' Ball, and sending him back out."

    Alex held the Poke Ball out. "Charmander, Return!" He said as Charmander vanished in an intnse red light. "Charmander, Go!" He said as Charmander reapeared in a flash of white light. The Chamrnader ran at Alex, jumping onto him, sending Alex tumbling down.

    "Char, Charmander!" It smiled.

    "Whoa, your're strong!" Alex said.
    Heh, cute. Nice that we saw a lesson on using the Pokeball here as well - nice idea.

    Anyways, more of the not-quite-accented-e's-in-Poke there,when in the same part it then appears without it - again, I suggest just going without it, or use the proper accented e. Be careful with spelling the Pokemon's name correctly all the time, and the 'He said with Charmander...' parts, besides the He being incorrectly capitalised, is somewhat repetitive - I'd suggest replacing one of them with something different, to change it up.

    Suggest rewording 'The Charmander ran at Alex, jumping on him, sending Alex...' to '...ran at Alex and jumped onto him, sending Alex' - seems to sound better - otherwise the commas there as-is create an uncomfortable pause. And 'It' should be 'it' - same deal with the He/he's. Also reappeared, not reapeared.
    And heres my Poke Gear number."
    here's - here is, rather than heres.
    "Thanks." Alex said excitedly.
    Change that full stop into a comma - again, otherwise you'd then be treating the dialogue and 'Alex said excitedly' as two separate sentences, and the latter doesn't work out by itself if you read out loud.
    "Alex, could I ask a favor of you?" Elm asked.

    "Sure." Alex answered.

    "I have a friend, Mr. Pokemon, who claims he discovered the Pokemon Egg. Could you swing by there, and see if its true or not?"

    "Ok, Its on my way to Cherrygrove, so It should be no problem." Alex said, putting Charmander's Poke' Ball in his belt. "Thanks again!" He yelled as he ran out, Chamrander following Close behind."
    it's or it is, over its there, no need for the capital I on It's and It, change the bolded full stops into commas, close doesn't need the capital. That, and some more description of how they say things here would be advised, IMO - it just seems like the last part is tacked on somewhat, so some minor expansions there too could improve the ending.

    Anyways, all in all it's not a bad start - you also have some good instances of description and showing us things rather than saying them. The way that Elm had Kanto starters to give to the protagonist was ok - certainly believable, although a bit lucky for him considering there was a robbing just then. But more or less it's decent, and you show some nice potential there. Have a look at proof-reading some more to catch those small typos and unnecessary capitalisation here and there, along with working at dialogue and the parts following it (he said, etc). Some more description of places or characters or reactions would help improve this too, as I mentioned - if you did that, this could be a really nice read. There's some nice parts where you do good description - the main thing is you just have to apply that to the whole of the story, and getting rid of the mistakes.

    A good beginning thus far though, so I wish you luck with the rest of your fic. =)

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  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    It's an alright beginning, but I do feel there could be some improvements made to this story, here.

    Firstly, a word of advice on presentation - every new paragraph or time someone else speaks, hit Enter twice so there's a gap in-between the paragraphs. That was, it's easier to read - for with stories on the internet, if there's no spacing in-between it becomes hard to read for people, and that could dissuade people from reading the story. This doesn't take much effort at all to do, so considering editing that aspect first. =)

    The story itself seems rather similar to the GSC (or perhaps now the more recent HG/SS) plot in places, such as Elm telling Alex to go and investigate Mr Pokemon's Pokemon Egg, down to more specifics to Elm giving Alex his PokeGear number. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but there is a danger that if you follow the game's story too much and don't offer anything 'new' to it - not necessarily events, but perhaps a different viewpoint, or a twist, etc, it'll come off as a bit boring for people who have played the game, as they could simply play the same story in game form rather than just read about it. Keep this in mind when you continue writing, I suggest.

    The writing could stand to be expanded upon as well to an extent - more so with description and character reactions, and so forth. But more on that as we go along...

    This was a decent beginning, I thought - it set up the scene decently. Note that 'thier' should be 'their' though.

    Firstly, the way you added the accent to the e is a bit awkward - especially when you go without it with 'Pokemon' at the end. I'd suggest to go without it as it looks better that way, or add in the proper accented e in (é) - whatever way you choose though, be consistent with it - don't switch between them but stick to one instead.

    The line I italiced sounds odd as well in that suddenly you addressed us directly as the narrator - broke the fourth wall to ask us something that you answer right away. This can actually bring the reader out of the story and interrupt it somewhat - it's best to stay away from doing that unless it's, say, a comedy fic. Also, light-blue with the hyphen, methinks.

    The description is also a bit listy here - namely about Alex himself. You list what he's wearing one object after the other, which is better than not describing at all, obviously, but it isn't the most enthralling read. What you could do is space it out more, and at the same time give us more of an idea about Alex himself. All we know at the moment is what he is wearing - but nothing about his physical appearance besides clothing, or his personality, and so forth. Adding some more about that would give us more of an idea on what Alex looks like, and what he is like himself.

    If you expand things a bit by, say mixing it with actions (rather than say he has an orange and red hat, have him put the orange and red hat as he walks out the door - that way, we're reading about him doing something at the same time as reading about the hat, which makes the writing more interesting). As for showing more of his personality - what Alex is like - I'd advise showing us rather than telling us.

    A good example of this though is one you made yourself - 'Alex rushed from the doorway, his backpack shaking wildly on his back.' This showed us he was enthusiastic and excited rather nicely, I thought, and makes for much better reading than 'Alex was excited'. Look into keeping that sort of style of writing with any expansions/edits or future chapters you write, and you'll be quite fine, I feel. =)
    I'd suggest that you italic thoughts or something to distinguish them from everything else that's not thought, but up to you... I'll also add that it makes the previous part I italiced and mentioned was awkward more unnecessary as it's just repeating the fact that Alex's Pokemon Quest' is about to begin.

    With 'He', it should actually be a 'he', as 'he yelled' doesn't stand by itself as a separate sentence. Rather, you should combine it with the dialogue as one sentence, and hence remove the capital letter: '"I'm here!" he yelled.'
    Some more about what Elm looks nice would be nice, as you're seemingly assuming we know about him and what he looks like - but not all readers would. Describe maybe the setting as well - what is the inside of the lab like? Is it small and cramped, or large and tidy? But again, good that you show us Alex being excited, through stuff like 'beamed confidently', and some of his dialogue. =)
    I wonder if this was Silver at work...XD Maybe showing us some effects of the stealing (such as, say, mayb a broken window Alex suddenly notices, or something) would be something to make this scene more interesting. There's now a bit of 'telling' here rather than showing - you tell us the expression changed to sad and disappointed, when I feel you could have expressed that fact more inventively - his shoulders slumped, smile disappeared, etc would be good beginning points. Also, disappointed, not disapointed.
    Another point about the Elm description - this bearded man already got more description than Elm, so consider establishing Elm's appearance some more. But O_O @ the Pelipper on the man's shoulder - I wonder if such a big bird could actually fit there...

    disappointment over disapointment (two p's), boy's over boys, and again, the dialogue and part following it when read should be one sentence rather than two - by itself, 'Elm said, noticing the boy's disappointment.' doesn't work as a sentence, so join them together by changing that full stop to a comma ("Yes, I'm afraid so," Elm said, noticing the boy's disappointment).
    Same as before - 'He said' doesn't work as a sentence just like that, so join it with the dialogue and hence change the capital H to a small one, and the full stop to a comma: "...from Professor Oak," he said. Same for the second instance - kill off that capital. Also again inconsistency with what you do with the e in Poke - consider this in edits/future chapters. Professor over Professer as well.
    the 'He said's' should be 'he said', again. Also the unusual accented e returns right after you went without it the quote above.
    The two He's should be he's, and the 'still its veins' sounds a bit odd there, to me. =/ (That and if you referred to Charmander as 'his' - a male, then you shouldn't then say 'its'). But nice, brief description here - some more might be nice of Charmander either here or later on in the story, but what is here looks decent.
    Heh, cute. Nice that we saw a lesson on using the Pokeball here as well - nice idea.

    Anyways, more of the not-quite-accented-e's-in-Poke there,when in the same part it then appears without it - again, I suggest just going without it, or use the proper accented e. Be careful with spelling the Pokemon's name correctly all the time, and the 'He said with Charmander...' parts, besides the He being incorrectly capitalised, is somewhat repetitive - I'd suggest replacing one of them with something different, to change it up.

    Suggest rewording 'The Charmander ran at Alex, jumping on him, sending Alex...' to '...ran at Alex and jumped onto him, sending Alex' - seems to sound better - otherwise the commas there as-is create an uncomfortable pause. And 'It' should be 'it' - same deal with the He/he's. Also reappeared, not reapeared.
    here's - here is, rather than heres.
    Change that full stop into a comma - again, otherwise you'd then be treating the dialogue and 'Alex said excitedly' as two separate sentences, and the latter doesn't work out by itself if you read out loud.
    it's or it is, over its there, no need for the capital I on It's and It, change the bolded full stops into commas, close doesn't need the capital. That, and some more description of how they say things here would be advised, IMO - it just seems like the last part is tacked on somewhat, so some minor expansions there too could improve the ending.

    Anyways, all in all it's not a bad start - you also have some good instances of description and showing us things rather than saying them. The way that Elm had Kanto starters to give to the protagonist was ok - certainly believable, although a bit lucky for him considering there was a robbing just then. But more or less it's decent, and you show some nice potential there. Have a look at proof-reading some more to catch those small typos and unnecessary capitalisation here and there, along with working at dialogue and the parts following it (he said, etc). Some more description of places or characters or reactions would help improve this too, as I mentioned - if you did that, this could be a really nice read. There's some nice parts where you do good description - the main thing is you just have to apply that to the whole of the story, and getting rid of the mistakes.

    A good beginning thus far though, so I wish you luck with the rest of your fic. =)
    Thanks for the sugggestions! I just finished edited Chapter 1!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Ireland
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    So far, you have an alright fic here. Having descriptions of Pokémon would help, and possibly slightly better descriptions of... Well pretty much everything else. Not to say your fic was always badly described, some descriptions were very good, just try keep up that standard for everything else!

    A bit more length suits me, but I guess it's really up to you. I, for one like my chapters a tad longer than you have.

    Overall, you have some good potential, and I wish you the best of luck with this fic. I really do like journey fics, so I'll probably be reading =].
    It appears I cannot think of a good signature.

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