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Thread: Kalos Conundrums - League, Lysandre, and Love (Amourshipping)

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    Default Kalos Conundrums - League, Lysandre, and Love (Amourshipping)

    Hey guys, this is my first ever fanfic, I've put a lot of effort into this first chapter and I hope you will enjoy. Please give me your feedback and any recommendations you have for future chapters.

    Summary:
    The Kalos League is coming to a close and Ash has reached the final. But now he faces his toughest challenge yet, Alain. Serena knows what this means for him and strives to do what she can to make sure that Ash achieves his dream. But beneath the shadows, lies an even greater challenge that threatens all of Kalos. With emotions running high, Ash and Serena find themselves in a new situation unlike anything they've faced before.


    Chapter 1: Pre-Game Pressure

    The sun began to set on another beautiful Kalos day. Ash Ketchum stared at Lumiose stadium as he walked back. Behind him, Serena looked on thoughtfully. A massive 6-4 win for Ash over Shota had brought positivity to the group. It was a heard-fought battle and a deserving win for Ash. He and his pokemon has battled well, proving Serena’s confidence in him to be logical. However, the happiness of the win had slightly faded now. Serena and the others knew that Ash now was in the final against an opponent who has arguably been his superior. Alain was going to be a tough opponent and Ash couldn’t get his mind off the battle. How could he? This was his dream.

    “Let’s get to bed now”, Clemont stated as they entered the hotel room, “It’s a big day tomorrow”. Bonnie nodded in approval as she went to brush her teeth and get changed. Ash was still quiet. In some ways, it was a little concerning to Serena. The often energetic Ash was silent, clearly lost in thought. Bonnie quickly noticed and immediately began to question her. “You’re worried about Ash, huh?”. Serena sighed. “How can I not be? It’s not like him to be this quiet”. Obviously, Bonnie knew way more about Serena’s crush than anyone else. She wasn’t surprised about how Serena was feeling. “Are you sure it’s not just because you like him?”. Serena blushed, which caused Bonnie to grin. She did enjoy messing with people, but it was largely for their benefit. “My point is that if you are concerned about him, then why don’t you talk to him and help him?”. Serena thought about that for a moment. “You’re right Bonnie, thanks”. Bonnie smiled. She was happy to help.

    “Where’s Ash?”, Serena walked back into the small room, but he wasn’t there. “I think he stepped outside”, Clemont responded. Sure enough, Ash was sitting along the steps outside their room, Pikachu sitting right next to him. He looked out at Lumiose City. “Here we are. Tomorrow is the Kalos League final. And I’m facing off against Alain”. He knew that this was the battle of his life and yet he still felt conflicted. Alain is a truly impressive trainer whom Ash has never beat. “You ok Ash?”, a soft voice replied behind him. Ash turned around to find Serena standing behind him. “Yeah, I’m ok, what are you up to?, Ash replied. He felt a little different suddenly, but he wasn’t sure what it was or why he felt this way. “I figured you could use some company”, Serena replied with a smile, “You don’t want to be alone do you?” Ash was a little surprised by Serena’s response, but he appreciated it. “Of course, I’d enjoy some company”, Ash felt something still but he still wasn’t sure.

    Serena smiled and sat beside Ash. He was immediately reminded the Master Class, when he had the conversation with Serena. “You’re stressed about the battle tomorrow, right?” Ash wasn’t going to deny it. Serena knew him well. “Yeah, how can I not be”, Ash replied with a sigh. This match was clearly nagging him. “You shouldn’t be so worried”. Ash immediately looked up after the words came out. Serena kept going. “You are an amazing trainer, the best I’ve ever met, your bond with your pokemon is unlike anything any other trainer has. You have things that others, including Alain, don’t have”. Ash was a little stunned. “Serena...”. “You’ll be fine. I know it”. Those words completely snapped Ash out of his trance. Serena was right. He could win this, he was a strong trainer with his best team ever. If he really wasn’t good enough, he wouldn’t have beaten Shota. Then something else came to mind, his mind flashed back to Snowbelle. He remembered when he lost to Wulfric and ran into the forest, it was Serena who ran after him. It was Serena who snapped him out of his depression. There was a reason he admired her so much. “Thank you, Serena”, Ash responded calmly. Serena looked at Ash, who was evidently in a better condition then he was a couple minutes ago. “You’ve always been there for me whenever when I’m in a rough spot”. Serena smiled and moved a little closer to him. “It’s because I care about you, I just want to make sure you’re ok”. Part of her really wanted to say more, but she the thought of it made her blush and she decided not to.

    The two sat on the steps for a while. Eventually Clemont came out and tossed the two a blanket. “If you two are going to stay out here tonight, you best not get a cold”. Serena blushed. Clemont basically suggested the two can spend the night outside together. But Ash didn’t seem to think much of it so Serena grabbed the blanket and rapped it over the two of them. “We best get some sleep, it’s a big day tomorrow” Ash nodded in approval. He found it a little odd that Serena was sleeping right next to him, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he actually kinda liked it. He looked up at the stars. “Serena’s right, I can do this, I’ve come too far. Tomorrow, I will become Kalos champion and take another massive step towards becoming a pokemon master!” He flashed one last glance at Serena who had already fallen asleep beside him and then laid down and quickly dozed off.

  2. #2
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    Let me see-

    - The story is fine. It's basically "Night before big battle". Lonely talk in a moonlit night. Speaking of which, you should have mentioned the moon. 100x times more romantic.

    - The writing style. It needs a lot of work. I'm no way a writing "critic" nor have written anything myself. But I think I can still comment on this. I think the problem is well............it felt too quick reading through. I'll try to explain with an example-

    He knew that this was the battle of his life and yet he still felt conflicted. Alain is a truly impressive trainer whom Ash has never beat. “You ok Ash?”, a soft voice replied behind him. Ash turned around to find Serena standing behind him.
    There are three scenes here-

    1. Ash is feeling conflicted
    2. Serena calls him
    3. Ash looks back at her

    As for the first you gave a short description of what he is feeling and how he is feeling. If somebody feels conflicted, two opposite thoughts play out in one's mind. The two thoughts here are- "I'm strong. I can't lose" and "Alain is powerful. I can't beat him." You should have a line like
    "He knew he was going to be the Kalos league champion. He knew it because he came this far with his friends and pokemon. He can't lose after all the hardships they endured for his dream. Yet there was a small doubt hiding in a corner of his mind. He couldn't shake it off. Alain was powerful. Very powerful. Especially his Charizard. What if he losed? What if he couldn't beat him. All his efforts, all his hardships will turn into smoke."
    This gives a better peek into Ash's mind. How Ash is feeling and all that. The two conflicting thoughts got mentioned here and how they are playing out also got mentioned here.

    The next is Serena calling him. This is a bit of sudden change. The scene went from what Ash's thinking to somebody calling him. So you should put this in a new para rather than on the same line.

    The last scene is good here. So yeah.

    -The last part is too much wish fulfillment. The problem is well.....I mean why would Clemont think they're gonna sleep out that night? It makes sense if he asked if they're gonna sleep cause it's getting late.

    Keep in my mind, all I said what's just my opinion.

    Anyway, keep up the work.
    Last edited by Red Pheonix; 5th August 2016 at 7:07 PM.
    "Why do you smile so much?"
    "Because smiling gives me the strength to live.
    It may not work for you, it obviously won't work for everybody but it definitely works for me."

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Red Pheonix View Post
    Let me see-

    - The story is fine. It's basically "Night before big battle". Lonely talk in a moonlit night. Speaking of which, you should have mentioned the moon. 100x times more romantic.

    - The writing style. It needs a lot of work. I'm no way a writing "critic" nor have written anything myself. But I think I can still comment on this. I think the problem is well............it felt too quick reading through. I'll try to explain with an example-



    There are three scenes here-

    1. Ash is feeling conflicted
    2. Serena calls him
    3. Ash looks back at her

    As for the first you gave a short description of what he is feeling and how he is feeling. If somebody feels conflicted, two opposite thoughts play out in one's mind. The two thoughts here are- "I'm strong. I can't lose" and "Alain is powerful. I can't beat him." You should have a line like

    This gives a better peek into Ash's mind. How Ash is feeling and all that. The two conflicting thoughts got mentioned here and how they are playing out also got mentioned here.

    The next is Serena calling him. This is a bit of sudden change. The scene went from what Ash's thinking to somebody calling him. So you should put this in a new para rather than on the same line.

    The last scene is good here. So yeah.

    -The last part is too much wish fulfillment. The problem is well.....I mean why would Clemont think they're gonna sleep out that night? It makes sense if he asked if they're gonna sleep cause it's getting late.

    Keep in my mind, all I said what's just my opinion.

    Anyway, keep up the work.
    Thanks, obviously, writing isn't my speciality but I like trying to write a scenario on my mind. This chapter was mostly an introduction and set-up to their feelings. The next chapter (whenever I have time to work on it) should be more detailed and much longer. But I appreciate the feedback as that's what I want from readers.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Omegaz View Post
    Thanks, obviously, writing isn't my speciality but I like trying to write a scenario on my mind. This chapter was mostly an introduction and set-up to their feelings. The next chapter (whenever I have time to work on it) should be more detailed and much longer. But I appreciate the feedback as that's what I want from readers.
    Try reading a few novels to improve your writing skills. Just a suggestion. And you might eventually want to put your fic in fanfiction.net. It seems to me that the majority of the fanfic readers lurk there.
    "Why do you smile so much?"
    "Because smiling gives me the strength to live.
    It may not work for you, it obviously won't work for everybody but it definitely works for me."

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Red Pheonix View Post
    Try reading a few novels to improve your writing skills. Just a suggestion. And you might eventually want to put your fic in fanfiction.net. It seems to me that the majority of the fanfic readers lurk there.
    I don't have a lot of time to read novels but at least my school books could work. I might put it on fanfiction.net eventually, but it isn't a necessity to me. I'll probably finish it here and depending on the reception, I'll make edits and put it on fanfiction.net.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Omegaz View Post
    I don't have a lot of time to read novels but at least my school books could work. I might put it on fanfiction.net eventually, but it isn't a necessity to me. I'll probably finish it here and depending on the reception, I'll make edits and put it on fanfiction.net.
    I'd love to review, but busy. Anyway, you'll likely get better feedback and reception on ff.net. I know I certainly do. Sure, you'll get the occasional trash review, but sometimes you'll get genuinely good ones. And the site's pretty easy to use, too.
    Dare to Be Silly!

    Ancienverse AU Fanfiction

    Love in the Time of Teamwork
    Once every seven years there was a tournament celebrating the bonds between people and Pokemon. Of course, Serena expected Ash to want to take part, but she had no idea the ways in which it would change their lives for good or ill. She was confident, however, that by the end of that week, something between herself and Ash would be different. Amourshipping.

    Firsts, Fans and Failures

    A Little Give and Take

    A Starlit Sibling Session About Scientific Sweethearts

    Love in the Time of Turbulence

    Fragmented Figments

    Seconds, Skates and Science; Quietude; Love in the Time of Tribulations (tent.) COMING SOON!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Epicocity View Post
    I'd love to review, but busy. Anyway, you'll likely get better feedback and reception on ff.net. I know I certainly do. Sure, you'll get the occasional trash review, but sometimes you'll get genuinely good ones. And the site's pretty easy to use, too.
    I'll look into it, but personally I'd like write a few more chapters before I post it there.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Omegaz View Post
    I'll look into it, but personally I'd like write a few more chapters before I post it there.
    If you want more pointed reviews, it's better to post them there one at a time, and any loyal readers will come back to you so long as you don't take too long. You really will get much more feedback there than here, though.
    Dare to Be Silly!

    Ancienverse AU Fanfiction

    Love in the Time of Teamwork
    Once every seven years there was a tournament celebrating the bonds between people and Pokemon. Of course, Serena expected Ash to want to take part, but she had no idea the ways in which it would change their lives for good or ill. She was confident, however, that by the end of that week, something between herself and Ash would be different. Amourshipping.

    Firsts, Fans and Failures

    A Little Give and Take

    A Starlit Sibling Session About Scientific Sweethearts

    Love in the Time of Turbulence

    Fragmented Figments

    Seconds, Skates and Science; Quietude; Love in the Time of Tribulations (tent.) COMING SOON!

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Epicocity View Post
    If you want more pointed reviews, it's better to post them there one at a time, and any loyal readers will come back to you so long as you don't take too long. You really will get much more feedback there than here, though.
    Ok, well I need to start writing more often then.

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