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Thread: Pokemon: The Legends (PG-15)

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon: The Legends (PG-15)

    POKEMON: THE LEGENDS


    Chapter One: On the Edge

    Darkness. That's how anyone could explain it. Darkness, the big black void of space. Darkness, the view of anyone evil. Darkness, what we feel as unexplainable. Probably no one can better explain darkness then Latias. Latias, a rare pokemon to encounter, is now even harder to encounter. In fact, she doesn't want to ever be encountered. It is a crime to encounter Latias without reporting it. She and her brother, Latios, have had a difficult time ever scince the war.

    The War. Many of those who survived it say it was the bloodiest. No other war has ever had more human and pokemon deaths combined then that war. Simply known as 'The War', it all started when a new member of the Elite Four came into power in Sinnoh. His name was Leroy. Leroy had odd and very liberal views on what the Elite Four should do. He started shunning the advice of the others. Eventually, with the backing of several gangs and a few key Gym Leaders, he kicked off the other members and proclaimed himself, "The Elite One".

    He made it a crime to challenge the Elite One, so no one ever could become a Pokemon Master anymore. He made it a crime to talk to other regions outside of Sinnoh. Whats worse, is that he imprisoned people for owning Pokemon he owned. Many citizens were outraged at Leroy's leadership. However, Leroy had a secret police and secret pokemon force that would kill off any opposer, political or civilian.

    Then, Leroy formed an army to take over Hoenn, Jhoto, and Kanto, for their lack of their Elite Four's cooperation in forming one superior country. This war was costly, and hurt the citizens even more. Anyone who criticized the war was arrested or killed. The Pokemon Rangers were forced to disbanned for they promoted "Unethical methods of Pokemon Capturing" and "Thought against the leader".

    A few years into the war, Kanto and Jhotto were loosing rather badly, and Hoenn was in discussion of uniting with Sinnoh. It was up to the Pokemon to save the day. 3 Pokemon, Latios, Latias, and Rayquazah, supported the Jhotto and Kanto armies in over hundreds of battles. It seemed as though Sinnoh would fall.

    However, Leroy found and captured Latios. He tortured Latios and made him a corrupted pawn to Leroy's Sinnoh army. At the final battle on Kanto, in Veridian City, Latias had gotten information that Latios joined Leroy. Against the will of Rayquaza, the Heart broken Latias fled from the battle. Rayquaza was no match for the powerful armies of Leroy and the new power of Latios. He fell in combat, and Kanto fell to Sinnoh. A few days later, Jhotto fell to Sinnoh.

    Now, under the name of the Sinnoh empire, Leroy is the strongest pokemon champion in the world. Many Gym Leaders were arrested for defiance against him. It was up to a group of Pokemon Trainers and Rangers who renamed themselves "The Pokemon Fighters" to fight off Leroy. But their numbers were few, and with Latios on Leroy's side, it seemed all but impossible.

    Latias is the last sentient pokemon who fights Leroy. The others have gone into hiding, and will not show their faces or fight against Leroy if found. Latias flies over the darkened skies of Sinnoh and Hoenn. However, she sometimes disguises as a human girl named Ember in the town of Vermillion city to learn of current news. She hopes that some day, some how, the world will go back to normal, and her brother return...
    Freinds to:
    Beco, Hiro XD, Imperial Flygon, and Haritsuki

  2. #2
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    Mistakes:

    Probably no one can better explain darkness then Latias.
    She and her brother, Latios, have had a difficult time ever scince the war.
    Then, Leroy formed an army to take over Hoenn, Jhoto, and Kanto, for their lack of their Elite Four's cooperation in forming one superior country.

    A few years into the war, Kanto and Jhotto were loosing rather badly, and Hoenn was in discussion of uniting with Sinnoh.
    3 Pokemon, Latios, Latias, and Rayquazah, supported the Jhotto and Kanto armies in over hundreds of battles.
    However, Leroy found and captured Latios. He tortured Latios and made him a corrupted pawn to Leroy's Sinnoh army. At the final battle on Kanto, in Veridian City, Latias had gotten information that Latios joined Leroy.
    Against the will of Rayquaza, the Heart broken Latias fled from the battle.
    He fell in combat, and Kanto fell to Sinnoh. A few days later, Jhotto fell to Sinnoh.

    Latias flies over the darkened skies of Sinnoh and Hoenn. However, she sometimes disguises as a human girl named Ember in the town of Vermillion city to learn of current news.
    She hopes that some day, some how, the world will go back to normal, and her brother return...

  3. #3
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    Elekible's Shock, this would really be much better off as a prologue than a first chapter. Considering the fact that it's more like a summary of events (more like a history textbook than actual prose in a real novel), and the fact that it is legally too short to be considered an actual chapter as per the Fan Fiction Rules, you should probably either make it a prologue or change it so you have actual scenes depicting what's going on instead.

    I see a few problems with the fic itself. The first thing that bothers me is that you start talking all about how darkness is bad and all that, but it’s completely pointless. You say darkness is bad or whatever, then talk about how Latias apparently feels it, but you really don’t explain why. Sure, she’s hard to find, but what does that have to do with anything? If it has to do with the horrible feelings inside her that are similar to a void of darkness, you need to make that connection properly, and explain it. Otherwise you’re just trying to make your story sound deep and failing. You’re really not clear in general that you’re talking about the Latias post-war, because it doesn’t sound like you’re talking about the future, so this should also be clarified.

    Leroy is another problem in itself. Firstly, if you’re going to tell the story in this sort of style, give him a last name. Now, the entire way he got into power seems fairly ridiculous. He defeats all the best Pokémon trainers in the region, including the Elite Four. It may work in the games, but realistically it doesn’t make much sense for him to then immediately become the leader and have the most power of them when he's so new to the job. The doozy, however, is the fact that his position as a top trainer suddenly gives him unlimited, ridiculous, absolute and unquestionable power over the entire region. What the heck? People who train and battle monsters don’t know anything about running a nation, so why would they have so much power in the first place? You mention politicians – what about them? THEY should have the power, because they know how to use it. Logically, if the Pokémon Champion has always been a position of so much power, someone would have become Champion and abused the position AGES ago. People would become trainers just so they could become Champion and rule the world, because apparently nobody even tries to stop them. We know the Pokémon world has a police force at the very least, and they and the Elite Four could easily have taken Leroy down if they started to see he was going mad with power. Simply sitting back to watch is irresponsible, stupid and would never happen. And seriously, where does he get a secret police from all of a sudden? :/ The fact that he had the support of gangs doesn’t mean anything (because there are still police and politicians), and there is no reason for any of the Gym Leaders to suddenly agree with his insane demands, because they ARE insane and have no benefits for them. And really, if the citizens were upset, they could have done any number of things to stop him early on in the game.

    Where did Leroy suddenly get an army from? I’m sure he had to imprison/kill a LOT of citizens since so many would not have agreed with him, and in that case, there would be nobody left to join. Even if they didn’t voice their opinions, they could simply not join him. Why have only three legendaries joined in the battle? There are over twenty more, so where are they? Where these the only ones who gave a damn? Also, did Leroy go out looking for Latios himself? I doubt he had the time between being a dictator and leading an army. Why didn’t he also capture Latias, since they’re usually together?How did he torture Latios? How did this make Latios make him evil? Why would Latios, even if he went crazy, agree to helping the people who captured him instead of fighting them instead? And why, why, WHY, would Latias flee when she saw her brother turned evil? It would make sense if she froze in fear or shock, or even refused to fight him (which I think is what you were really going for, which was actually quite a good idea). Still, wouldn’t she want to fight even harder now so she could get him back? She’s not being very helpful, or smart – running off to cry won’t help anyone. Refusing to fight would make sense, but not THIS. It isn't the same thing.

    Of course, while the twenty other super powerful legendaries all cower in fear like a bunch of little babies, Latias flies around like an idiot in plain sight, just begging to get caught by the secret police. What a bunch of idiots.


    You should also be typing on Microsoft Word or a similar program, and you should check the correct spellings of regions, Pokémon and cities when writing a story. These are silly mistakes that can easily be avoided - they really don't make a story look good.



    PokeLegend, there is one reason your "review" is not very effective: you don't actually say how to correct the mistakes. Pointing out what they are is a great first step, but it's safe to assume that if the writer made those mistakes in the first place, they don't realize that they didn't do it correctly and therefore don't know how to fix it. It's like going swimming with someone who doesn't really know how to swim; if they're drowning and all you say is "that's not how you do it," you're not being very helpful.

    And just for the future, you should also throw in a comment about the storyline itself, at least if you liked it or it interested you or something basic like that, just to add more meat to your review.



    I'll just quickly fix the mistakes pointed out as well as some others I found. The bolded word is what has been corrected.

    Probably no one can better explain darkness than Latias.
    Latias, a rare Pokémon to encounter, is now even harder to encounter.
    She and her brother, Latios, have had a difficult time ever since the war.
    Then, Leroy formed an army to take over Hoenn, Johto, and Kanto, for their lack of their Elite Four's cooperation in forming one superior country.
    No other war has ever had more human and pokemon deaths combined than that war.
    For the first and last mistake, when you say one thing is more something than another thing, it's "than" with an "a." For example,
    -Raichu is stronger than Pichu.
    -I like strawberries more than I like peaches.
    -There are more pencils than pens in my knapsack.

    “Pokémon” is spelled with a capital “p” and an accent on the “e.” To make the “é,” press and hold Alt, then type in 1, 3, 0 on the number pad on the right of your keyboard. Or just copy/paste it every time. Also, instead of repeating the word “encounter,” try to use a different term. Repeating a word is rather annoying to read.
    The third and fourth bolds are silly spelling mistakes you should not have made.


    What’s worse, is that he imprisoned people for owning Pokémon he owned.
    However, Leroy had a secret police and Pokémon force that would kill off any who opposed him, political or civilian.
    The Pokémon Rangers were forced to disband for they promoted "Unethical methods of Pokémon Capturing" and "Thought against the leader".
    Whenever you join two words, such as “what is” here, you need a ‘ in the spot where the letter was taken out (though it should really be "what WAS worse," since it's past tense). Also, it makes absolutely no sense for him to make such a ban. It won’t benefit him in any way, and it’s not something an insane person would do; it’s something a stupid person would do. It's pointless.
    “Opposer” isn’t a word. You have to either use it as a verb as I did, or say “any opposition.” And again, if there are people with actual political power in the world, why did they give him so much power in the first place? Pokémon Masters don’t know anything about how to lead a country, so being able to do so much is pretty ridiculous in the first place.
    “Disbanned” isn’t a word. It’s either “to disband” or, in the past tense, “they disbanded.” And “thoughts against the leader” is a pretty bad way to put it. If Leroy wanted to make them look bad and try to make people think he’s right, he should try to make them look bad by saying something like “plotting against the leader” or “slandering the leader,” like propaganda. He wouldn’t get away with it otherwise. The bit about their capturing methods, however, seems pretty silly and random, though.


    A few years into the war, Kanto and Johto were losing rather badly, and Hoenn was discussing uniting with Sinnoh.
    Three Pokémon, Latios, Latias, and Rayquaza, supported the Johto and Kanto armies in over hundreds of battles.
    It's not "Jhoto" or "Jhotto," and it's spelled "Rayquaza."
    “Loose” is another word for baggy or big, like “the pants were too loose on him.” You want just one “o.”
    Simply saying "supporting" is much less wordy.
    When you have a number under twenty in a story, you should spell the word out, so for instance say two, fourteen and ten instead of 2, 14 and 10.
    Also, when you say they "supported" these regions, it only means they agree with what they did. If they physically helped them by joining in the battles, say so.


    However, Leroy found and captured Latios. He tortured Latios and made him a corrupted pawn to Leroy's Sinnoh army. At the final battle on Kanto, in Viridian City, Latias had gotten information that Latios joined Leroy.
    Against Rayquaza’s will, the heart-broken Latias fled from the battle.
    He fell in combat, and Kanto fell to Sinnoh. A few days later, Jhotto fell to Sinnoh.
    Now, under the name of the Sinnoh Empire, Leroy was the strongest Pokémon champion in the world.
    The first and last are, again, spelling mistakes.
    It’s much simpler and less wordy to simply say “Rayquaza’s will.” You don’t usually say “the tail of Charizard” or “the generosity of Susan;” it’s “Charizard’s tail” and “Susan’s generosity.”
    Words like “heart” shouldn’t be capitalized, and the word is written “heart-broken” with a dash.
    Since the “Sinnoh Empire” is a proper name, both words should be capitalized. And what happened to the other champions and even Gym Leaders - were they all killed, and not a single one survived? Also, you need to decide if you’re sticking to past tense or switching to present at the end, because you got very inconsistent here. You have a good idea, though, because the end would definitely look good in present. It shows the exact time the fic takes place.


    Latias flies over the darkened skies of Sinnoh and Hoenn. However, she sometimes disguises as a human girl named Ember in the town of Vermillion City to learn of current news.
    She hopes that some day, some how, the world will go back to normal, and her brother will return...
    The name of a place should always be capitalized, including if the word “city” or “town” is part of the name. You always say “New York City,” and you’d also say “Pallet Town.” Though why couldn’t Latias simply use her psychic powers to know these things, or listen in from afar?
    You just needed to add the word “will” to the last bit.




    I think you need to seriously consider reworking this. The amount of silly spelling mistakes are rather ridiculous, and there are just so many plotholes and things too ridiculous to make for a good, serious story. I do think what you have here is interesting, and would be made into a really neat fic about a trainer who rises to power to defeat the evil overlord (well, it is fairly obvious), especially with factors like Latios and Latias and this secret police force. You can get in some great drama with all this, but you need to spend a lot more time working on it to make it work properly. However, I think that if you do really put the time and effort into this, you may have a pretty great story on your hands.

    I’m closing this to give you the chance to rework what you have. I would definitely recommend going to the Beta House in the Author’s Café to find someone to help you go over your story as well, just to get the grammar and plot down pat. Don’t give up on it right away; all good stories require time and effort, and while it may be annoying, you can really end up with a great result.

    Good luck!

    ~Psychic

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