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Thread: Pokémon: A New Generation

  1. #1
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    Default Pokémon: A New Generation

    Okay, this isn't even the fic I was talking about in my 2009 In Writing thread, but I've been working on this for a while, too. Yet another Journey-fic from Iota, I hear you cry? Yes, but...with a slight difference, I suppose.

    Just read and you'll find out.

    ++++

    Chapter One – My Father, The Hero

    “My name isn’t important,” the short girl retorted, looking away from the main desk and at the crowds of people behind her.

    Every single ten-year-old boy and girl in the queue behind her was waiting to receive the creature that would jump-start him or her on his or her journey through the world. Each massive region was filled with mystical creatures called Pokémon.

    “Please, little girl, I just want your name,” the young woman at the desk repeated, her dull, limp brown hair hanging down by her shoulders.

    “I’d rather not give it with everyone here,” the young girl said, swinging her head from side to side in an attempt to rub her cared for hair in the woman’s face.

    There was a creaking sound and then the sound of a door shutting, barely audible over the loud muttering of the other children. They all seemed to know each other, and most probably grew up in the bustling Pallet City.

    She had to travel for three-quarters of an hour on the back of a huge flying-type Pokémon to get to the large laboratory in order to gain her beginning Pokémon, no matter what she had to go through. She would not, however, be revealing her name to a woman sitting in an office full of children all day.

    A hand was placed on her shoulder, and it became apparent that someone had obviously exited through the shutting door. An elderly man stood above her, examining her features. He looked from her brown eyes, to her brunette hair, let hand down to her neck in a bobbed style.

    “Your father told me you’d more than likely be unwilling to reveal your name,” he told her in his wizened voice. “Please, Ashleigh, come through with me.”

    When he placed his hand in front of his body to give her the signal to stop trying to argue and resist him in any way, she reluctantly followed him through the wooden panelled door.

    Inside his office was completely different than the main reception had been. Almost everything was wooden, and Ashleigh couldn’t help but think that if a fire-type Pokémon was present and had a mishap with an attack, the place could go down in smoke.

    “You’d be surprised how many people assume this place would go up in a blaze if there were any fire-type attack’s used here,” he told her with a glint in his eye, as if reading her thoughts. “Your father was one of those. I keep quite a few water-type Pokémon handy.”

    “Why did you bring me straight in here?” Ashleigh asked, wanting to get to the point so she could leave as soon as possible.

    “I have a special treat for you,” Professor Oak told her, ignoring the rolling of her eyes, “and I’m sure you’ll like it.”

    “Can’t wait,” she muttered, urging him to hear it so he would tell her to leave.

    Her father had been an amazingly famous Pokémon Trainer, and still was. There hadn’t been a day yet in her life where she hadn’t wished her mother had been alive and present in her life, to push her in whatever direction she held dear.

    Unfortunately, Ashleigh could only guess what her mother had been interested in, as her father had never wished to divulge that information to her. Her mother had been dead for ten years, dying while giving birth to Ashleigh.

    “As you know, your father no longer leaves his Pokémon here at my lab,” he told her, moving his hands around wildly, as if in an attempt to keep her attention from drifting to the large window overlooking his research fields. “He did, however, leave me a request.”

    “Which would be?”

    He pulled a small sphere from beneath his desk and clicked a button in the centre. There was a mechanical whirring sound and the ball expanded to a much larger size, revealing the thin grey strip running from the button and separating the ball into two separate colours.

    “Inside this Pokéball is a starter Pokémon hand-picked by your father.”

    Many thoughts were racing through Ashleigh’s head, but the main one was troubling her as the most likely reason.

    Please don’t let it be a Pikachu, she thought to herself.

    The Professor who specialised in Pokémon behavioural patterns threw the ball into the air, causing it to almost crack open. The loud cracking noise also released a burst of amazing white energy from the Pokéball, whizzing around the room until it formed into a little blinding shape on the desk.

    Ashleigh covered her eyes from the glare. She was used to it from her father’s many battles as the head of the Kanto Battle Frontier, but it had never been this close to her face.

    The light calmed down enough for her to peer over her hands and she saw yellow fur begin to form. Her heart leapt as pointed black ears sprouted. Small round pink patches of fur on the face began to appear and she became confused. Pikachu had red fur covering the electric sacks in their cheeks, and their ears weren’t so wide.

    The remaining light burst off and the Pokémon left behind jumped into the air.

    “Pichu, this is your new trainer, Ashleigh Ketchum.” Professor Oak said calmly to the Pokémon.

    “Piii! Pichuuuu!” the Pokémon cried in joy as strands of electricity began to ripple around the small black tail and around the pink electric sacks.

    “A Pichu?” Ashleigh was confused as to why her father would give her the pre-evolved form of his own starter.

    “I’m as confused as you are,” the old man said, the wrinkles around his brilliantly fierce green eyes tensing up as if smiling with them, “but I can guess his intentions. Your father wants you to have the same beginnings he had. He didn’t start with a traditional starter, and look where he is now. He’s over in the Sevii Islands running his Battle Dimension.”

    “I’m so proud,” she said, not attempting to hide her sarcasm.

    “I know you probably had your hopes set on a traditional starter like Charmander, or Squirtle,” he apologised, taking her hands with his own rough hands, “but don’t take it out on this Pichu. Your father has taken many measures to ensure you have a safe journey and you can spread your wings. Take advantage.”

    “I will,” she lied, not revealing she would rather hide away from the world than become a trainer of the same fame as her father.

    Professor Oak handed her five shrunken Pokéballs and the enlarged one that held her Pichu.

    “Don’t forget your Pokédex,” he reminded her as she began to stand up. He passed her what looked like a mechanical red handheld game, and she opened it up. “Press the green button.”

    She obeyed his request and clicked the large triangular green button.

    “Pokédex Settings initiated. Voice recording needed.” The voice was female, yet obviously synthetic.

    “My name is Ashleigh Ketchum,” the girl told the device, feeling stupid.

    “Ashleigh Ketchum of Naval Rock, Beginning Trainer under the care of Professor Samuel Oak. Smile, please.”

    Ashleigh feigned a smile as the camera swung around and clicked, storing the image of her in its memory.

    “Now that that’s all over with, aim the camera at Pichu and press the green button once more.”

    She followed the old man’s rules and pressed the triangular button once more. A blue stream of light came from the camera and scanned down the electric-type’s body, making the Pichu curious.

    A picture of Pichu with the exact same expression appeared on the screen inside the device, and the speakers came back on.

    “Pichu, classified as the tiny mouse Pokémon. It is of the electric type. Pichu tend to play with each other by touching tails and sending off small sparks. This seems to be their way of testing the other’s courage. The electric sacks on their cheeks are still quite small, so they cannot hold much electricity without shocking themselves.”

    The screen went blank and the speaker turned off.

    “Wow,” Ashleigh muttered.

    “Take Pichu’s Pokéball for a second while I configure it to your voice pattern,” he told her, and she pulled the larger one from the pile he’d given her. “Now, point the button directly at him, and call out “Return”.”

    “Return!” Ashleigh shouted, as the button was pointed towards the creature that sniffed at a pile of letters on the desk. Four thin beams of red energy shot from the button and strapped themselves around a nonchalant Pichu.

    As the strands enclosed themselves, they began to spread around his body until she could no longer see him anymore. Once his entire body was covered, the red energy was pulled back inside the Pokéball and Pichu was gone.

    “That green button automatically scan’s the Pokémon you’ve aimed the camera at and retrieves locked data on it.” Professor Oak informed, pointing once more at the Pokédex. “The long rectangular blue button underneath it will give you a list of the attacks currently known by the Pokémon you’ve scanned, while the square white one underneath that will contact me so I know you’re wishing to switch your team around through the transporters at a Pokémon Centre.

    “Finally, the square red button next to that is a distress signal.” Ashleigh stared at the deep red button, standing out from the bright red of the Pokédex. “That will call any nearby police to your location.”

    “Will I need that?” she asked.

    “It’s just a precaution. You’ll be given the choice for either police or the nearest Pokémon Centre if you’re unable to get your unconscious Pokémon to one by yourself.”

    “I see,” she said, looking at Pichu’s Pokéball. Why had her father really given her almost the exact same Pokémon he had started with? She had to call him as soon as possible and find out.

    “I know you probably have some misgivings about Pokémon training, since you’ve seen your father gone most of the time,” he said to her, smiling, “but you really must give it a try. It’s ever so exciting.

    “So, it is now your quest to not only become a champion, but to fill the pages of your own Pokédex,” Professor Oak told her, closing a drawer on his desk. “There are many Pokémon throughout the world. Let’s hope you can fill this as I once did whilst creating it and carry on my legacy with your own adventures.”

    “Sure,” she replied quietly. “Goodbye, Professor Oak.”

    “Goodbye, Miss Ketchum.”

    Previously Iota

  2. #2
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    Another Journy Fic by Iota? Ok, cool.

    Hmm... This one has started out differently, and is with Ash's daughter? I like really well-written fics with Ketchum offspring, because so many undeveloped writers write not-so good stories involving them. But I've grown to like your stories, so I'm looking forward to this.

    Plus, Ashleigh is already a good character.
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  3. #3
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    Nice to see another journey 'fic here. Time to review!


    She had to travel for three-quarters
    SHE'D had to. 'She had to' makes it sound like she's about to- tense problem.

    “My name isn’t important,” the short girl retorted,
    You generally don't want to make the very first line a 'retort', or at least describe it as so. It's kind of a confusing way to start off, since you don't see what she's 'retorting' to.

    “Please, Ashleigh, come through with me.”
    Ash-daughers are ALWAYS named Ashley, and choosing a homophone for it isn't any better. It's pretty cornball to choose a name with 'Ash' in it.


    “You’d be surprised how many people assume this place would go up in a blaze if there were any fire-type attack’s used here,”
    'Attacks' shouldn't have an apostrophe here. Also, this seems like a weird thing to say.. How would he even know what people assume, unless they mention it? And that's not exactly a conversation-starter.

    Her father had been an amazingly famous Pokémon Trainer, and still was. There hadn’t been a day yet in her life where she hadn’t wished her mother had been alive and present in her life, to push her in whatever direction she held dear.
    'Where' should be 'when', and the transition here is confusing. Is her father cruel or neglecting? Mentioning him and then suddenly having her yearn for her mother gives that impression. The last part is ambiguous too- in whose direction? Ashleigh's direction, or her mother's?

    Her mother had been dead for ten years, dying while giving birth to Ashleigh.
    Replace 'dying' with 'she had died', tense problem.

    threw the ball into the air, causing it to almost crack open.
    This makes it sound like being in the air causes it to nearly crack open. Should either be 'threw it onto the floor' or add somewhere, 'it landed heavily, nearly cracking open' or something of the sort.

    The loud cracking noise also released a burst of amazing white energy
    The NOISE didn't release anything, the Pokeball did.

    “Now, point the button directly at him, and call out “Return”.”
    If I were speaking to the daughter of an 'amazing, famous' trainer, I'd assume she knew how to recall a Pokemon.

    and strapped themselves around a nonchalant Pichu.
    Should be THE nonchalant Pichu, as there's only one.


    “Finally, the square red button next to that is a distress signal.” Ashleigh stared at the deep red button, standing out from the bright red of the Pokédex. “That will call any nearby police to your location.”

    “Will I need that?” she asked.
    Lol, how would the professor possibly know that? Also, I think saying 'she asked nervously' or the like would work better here, but it's your call.

    “I see,” she said, looking at Pichu’s Pokéball. Why had her father really given her almost the exact same Pokémon he had started with? She had to call him as soon as possible and find out.
    At first she dreads getting a Pikachu, and now she seems surprised rather than crestfallen. If she was dreading it, she was obviously expecting it.


    “I know you probably have some misgivings about Pokémon training, since you’ve seen your father gone most of the time,” he said to her, smiling, “but you really must give it a try. It’s ever so exciting.
    Isn't she there TO start her journey? She has to give it a try, even if she doesn't want to.The last sentence seems odd for a professor to say, but that may just be me.

    “So, it is now your quest to not only become a champion, but to fill the pages of your own Pokédex,”
    I'm sure there are trainers who just want to become a gym leader, or something. Not all trainers are obliged to try to become champion, I'd think.


    Okay! All in all, not bad. I've seen some horrific Progeny of Ash 'fics, but this gives me a bit of hope, though I'm still not a fan. I don't really have any beefs with the plot right now, other than what I mentioned, but your writing style could be more descriptive and emotional. You convey Ashleigh's thoughts well, but not her emotions, which are far more important. Also, it seems like just line after line of dialogue, which isn't all that fun to read- throw in some descriptions. The only description of where she is, for instance, is a 'large laboratory', from what I recall. I can't picture the scene in my head, except for Ashleigh and Oak floating in a white void, because there's no description.

    But all-in-all, a fixable problem. Hope to see the next chapter soon.
    Last edited by Estuary; 17th January 2009 at 10:05 PM. Reason: Grammar flub.




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  4. #4
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    Well, i haven't read it yet, but going by your resume of fanfic work, this should be different from the other works by newbie writers who just want to show how much they like Ash Ketchum.

    I'll land you my feedback a.s.a.p., K?

    ok, feedback time!

    GRAMMAR

    No errrs to report! I'd be impressed, but with your improving track record, it's hard to rave. But it's still worth every bit of this grade: A*

    PLOT

    Hmm. Generic at best. It's happened before, I've sort of done it before, but the concept of a champion's daughter not wanting to train pokemon still raises the old curiousity, despite it's slight unoriginality to me.

    Well, there was certainly some thought put into it, and more surprises on the way, so lets go with a B this time.

    CAST

    the venerable Professor Oak, the rude with an attitude Ashleigh and the adorable Pichu (SQUEEEE....) seem to play central roles in the prologue. That being said, too little is known about them. Still, this is the prologue, which means there'll be miles of character development to come. So I await further installments with gusto...

    C+

    LENGTH

    It's a bleeding prologue, so giving you a grade here wouuld be too critical. Let's chalk this off to prologue standards, shall we?

    A

    DESCRIPTION

    Well, scene description went down well, and character description was stringy in some places (Ashleigh). To avoid the latter, don't lump so many personal characteristcs in one sentence, k?

    But it was a good prologue, and there's plenty of time to work out the kinks a new fic brings, so let's bive you a nice shiny Bfor the great attempt.

    OVERALL

    Well this is based on first impressions only, things could look up. So take these for a starting grade:

    Use it as a baseline to improve upon, OK?

    L@er!
    Last edited by Air Dragon; 19th January 2009 at 4:46 AM.
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  5. #5
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    Thanks a lot! I didn't expect so many reviews, in all fairness. Air Dragon, I await your reply with gusto. Estuary, thanks for all of the grammatical errors you pointed out. I'll edit those through in a second.

    My only argument is with your question about whether it was the dreams Ashleigh's mother held dear or Ashleigh herself. Whilst it was both characters, I did mean her mother, who obviously will stay ambiguous throughout the story.

    Also, with the name, I wanted something similar to Ash's own name, and that spelling of Ashleigh is popular-ish and also realistic. Wait until we hear of the new generation of Oak's.

    Anywho, the next chapter shall be up soonish. Hoping to update once a week.

    Keep reading,

    Iota

    Previously Iota

  6. #6
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    “but you really must give it a try. It’s ever so exciting.
    You forgot the quote at the end. I don't think "It's ever so exciting" is appropriate with Oak and what he had just said. I think "It's really exciting" or something simple like that. But, instead of saying give it a try, she is going on one right? So maybe, "You will really enjoy it. Have fun" or something to that context cause what I just wrote sucked lol

    Otherwise, I like the story concept so far, and Ashlieghs character is becoming evident.
    I agree with Estuary too. Check his post out.

  7. #7
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    This looks interesting....

    I can't wait to see how Ash's daughter will take to being a trainer, when she obviously doesn't really want to be one. It's honestly too early to really see what to make of this, but it seems like it'll be a good one.

    Patiently awaiting the next chapter. Good job!
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  8. #8
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    Thought while I'm writing chapter two I'd point something out, since a lot of you are thinking along the same lines. Ashleigh isn't the daughter of Ash Ketchum from the Animé. She's the daughter of the character from Yellow, who, while based upon Ash, isn't him.

    Thanks a lot for the review, Air Dragon, and to Fisheye and #Chimecho#.

    Shouldn't be too long for a chapter.

    Iota

    Previously Iota

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