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Thread: Pokemon: The Next Generation

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Team Rocket HQ

    Default Pokemon: The Next Generation

    You might recognize this from a different post. Dylan_Cypher and I decided that we needed to rewrite this, so we decided to start fresh. Credit to Dylan_Cypher for quite a bit of these. He and I will switch between Primary and Secondary writers every so often, but I will be the one who posts these. Anyway...onward to the story.

    Rated: PG to PG 13

    Episode ONE: Taking Flight

    A teenage boy was lying in bed with his white and blue pajamas with green pokeballs patterned on them. When he woke up to the sound of a blaring horn as the local train left the station the red-haired young man thought, “That’s funny I don’t remember waking up and getting on the train.” Suddenly he realized one small detail: he had not awakened before he could board the train.

    “OH CRAP!!!” He shouted leaping from bed. As his foot hit the ground, it happened to snag a corner of one of his slippers and he fell headfirst toward his door. As he slammed against it, to his dismay, it was slightly ajar and flung wide open launching him across the hall and down the stairs where he landed at his mother’s feet.

    “You missed the train,” a middle-aged black-haired woman said as she was holding a dish in her right hand and wiping it with a blue rag in her left. “Bill, what am I going to do with you?”

    “I don’t know,” replied her son as Dawn, the mother, was heading straight for the kitchen.

    “Well, no need to worry; I remember there being another stop that that train must refuel. If you hurry you can make it,” said Dawn. Bill ran up to his room and quickly changed into his every-day clothes, a pair of denim pant’s that may have once been blue torn at one knee, light work-boots, a black T-shirt with a checkerboard of poke-ball logos on the left shoulder and a blue and white hood zip. His mother then yelled, “It’s quicker if you go down the fire escape!” He grabbed his navy-blue backpack and leapt down the coal-black ladder outside his window to the space between his house and the garage. He went in the garage’s side door, brought out his bike, and, moments later, and pedaled down route 0 toward Pallet Town. He whizzed by the landscapes that he would have, until today, taken time to enjoy.


    In a mysterious building located just south of Pewter City, two individuals were sitting around waiting for something special to happen. The first one was a silver-haired man wearing a full black suit and white boots. In the middle of the chest was the letter “R”. He was about 6’2”. The other was a blonde female, wearing a similar attire of clothing, and was about 5’9”. The male one said, “Argh! I am so bored! Even reading a simple 500-page essay about the theory that this world is actually a fanfic doesn’t help me, and I love reading about things that are definitely false!”

    The female replied, “Calm down, Andy.” Soon a door opened in front of the two. “See? Boss Dylan is here now.”

    Entering into the room was a 6-foot tall young man with brown hair. He was wearing a blue bandana with a large white pokeball-shaped symbol on it and two white gloves with black fingertips. He also wore a plain black tank-T with the red R prominent on the front and black jeans with crossed belts, one black and one white, and white running shoes. His shoulder supported a Sneasel. He told the two, “Alex, Andy, I have been placed on a special mission. One that I may need your help in…emphasis on ‘may’. You two have failed me day-in and day-out; this is your chance to redeem yourselves. If you two so much as make one more error, I promise you that you will be miserable for the rest of your life.”

    “Sir, it won’t happen again,” said Alex as she saluted Dylan.

    “She’s right, let’s go!” claimed Andy as he started through the door.

    Dylan was puzzled about Andy’s attitude and asked, “What’s with him?”

    “Oh nothing,” replied Alex as the two walked outside the room.


    In a small house in Pallet Town, a young lady was in bed, when she heard a voice, “Diana, time to wake up.” The girl arose from her bed. She had black hair with a ponytail pointing out to the right. She also was wearing her plain black pajamas. She then changed into her standard clothing, wore a divided skirt that was more grey than black, a blue shirt with a green poke-ball logo printed on the left side that protruded a bit onto the front of the shirt, a pair of goggles, and a pair of regular well-worn hi-top walking shoes. Diana then grabbed a pokeball from the top of her desk on the right of the head of her bed. She ran downstairs to see that her mother, Misty Ketchum, was waiting at the front door.

    She said, “Diana, you know that today is a very great day. I couldn’t be more proud of you.” She then went to and hugged her daughter. Misty then said as she started to cry, “This is also a very sad day for me; I have to say goodbye to my baby. Your father had to leave early this morning, but I bet that he would trade his fame and popularity just to see you leave to become a great Coordinator.”

    “I know, Mom. I will come back someday. Maybe when I do, he won’t be so busy,” replied Diana.

    Misty rubbed her tears from her eyes and said, “You are definitely your father’s daughter. He always saw the bright side of everything too.” The grandfather clock to Misty’s right chimed. She then told Diana, “Well, it looks like it’s time for you to go to Prof. Oak’s lab and get your starter pokemon…well besides your Pichu.”

    “Okay, I’ll call you when I reach Viridian City,” said Diana as she exited the door. “I promise.”

    She started to sprint south to the world famous laboratory ran by Professor Gary S. Oak, grandson of the famous Professor Samuel U. Oak. She neared the lab when she heard a boy say, “Diana!” She turned around to see a boy wearing a blue shirt, a pair of green denim shorts and a pair of white running shoes approach her.

    She, in an obviously annoyed tone, asked him, “What is it, Jerry?”

    The boy replied, “I heard that you are starting off as a trainer today. How about you and I have a battle before you leave?” He pulled out a pokeball. “We’ll give you a goodbye you won’t soon forget. Right, Rattata?” He threw out the pokeball and a laser exited out of the round object. When the laser disappeared, a purple rat with a white underside, long whiskers penetrating from its face, and long white teeth appeared in its place.

    “Fine by me,” smirked Diana as she grabbed a Pokeball from her backpack. “Of course, you won’t exactly have the easiest time against me. Show them what I mean, Pichu!” She tossed the pokeball in the air. After it spun vertically twice, the red and white ball opened up to send out a small, yellow, mouse-like Pokemon with red cheeks and a stubby black tail.

    The pokemon cried, “Pichu!”

    “Pichu, start things off with your Sweet Kiss!” Diana called out.

    The boy commanded, “Rattata, Focus Energy!” The Rat-like pokemon’s eyes started to glow orange. Then the electric mouse went up to the Rattata and gave it a small kiss. The Rattata’s eyes changed from triagle-shaped and glowing orange to swirly and dull black. “Try using bite!” The Rattata then looked around until it saw its own tail. The teeth then grabbed the long skinny tail. The purple Pokemon yelped in pain.

    Diana then smirked, “This is too easy. Pichu, finish this with Thundershock!” Something caught the corner of Diana’s eye. It was Bill speeding down the road that the trainers were battling on. He was looking down on the road trying make sure that he missed any and all bumps. Diana yelled, “Kid, look out!” Bill looked up too late as the bolt of electricity arced toward the metallic object on which he sat. He and his bike were instantly fried. The young girl angrily stomped towards from the side of what Bill could now tell was a battlefield. Rather than an apologetic face she wore an angry one. “What do you think you’re doing just riding through a pokemon battle like that!?” She asked him furiously.

    Bill leapt to his feet enraged. “Oh yeah well what’s the big idea of having a pokemon battle in the middle of the road!?” He countered livid now, “What’s more whoever’s electric pokemon that was just crisped my bike like Thermite!”

    “Well then, you should’ve paid more attention. You just came rocketing off the road like a madman and…” her words were cut off by the sound of the train’s whistle and a man shouting.

    “All Aboard! Next stop: Ruinville Station!” Bill’s eyes widened.

    “Sorry, I’ll debate with you later I have a train to catch!” he yelled over his shoulder as he charged into the station and onto the platform all the while yelling, “STOP! WAIT! STOP THE TRAIN!” In a final act of desperation, he leapt from the platform and attempted to grab onto the train’s rail. His finger barely touched cold metal before he fell, face-first, onto the train tracks. He lay there for a few moments writhing in agony. Meanwhile on the platform the wind picked up causing a loosely posted flyer to flutter off and down onto the tracks under Bill’s nose.

    Bill groggily picked himself rubbing his head with his left hand, “That could’ve gone a lot better,” He said. Bill then noticed the paper still wriggling in the wind. He picked it up with his left hand and read aloud, “All ye seeking adventure and fun, please come to the twenty-fifth annual Pokemon Treasure Hunt in pewter city July 10th. Huh that’s three days from now.” He then mumbled the rest of the poster to himself and found himself amazed by the similarity this had to Archaeology. Suddenly, an idea flared inside Bill’s brain and he leapt to his feet, “Astounding!” He shouted in triumph only to find Diana was standing on the platform staring at him.

    “Astounding? You just fell onto the train tracks, genius, and you think that it’s astounding,” she commented as she held out a hand to help him back onto the platform.

    Bill blinked at the offered hand before taking it, “Thanks,” he said a little warily, “Weren’t you livid at me a few moments ago?”

    The girl stared at him, “‘Livid’? ‘a few moments ago’? What are you, some sort of professor?” she asked as she helped him up. Bill looked at his shoes for a moment once back on his feet.

    “Not really,” He replied, “I was studying to be an Archaeologist,” He nodded back at the tracks, “That’s why I was in such a rush. I missed my train from White Town this morning.”

    “An Archaeologist,” the girl said blinking, “Then do I have the journey for you!” She grabbed his arm and dragged him over to the phone pole where the flyer had been tacked up. She began to search for the flyer, “Oh come on, I know it’s here somewhere, it was put up just the other day.”

    Bill held up the pokemon treasure hunt flyer, “Are you talking about this? I noticed it and was just thinking about entering it.”

    “Oh,” she said looking a little dispirited, “So you’re going to enter! Great let me see your pokemon!”

    “Ah, well, you see,” Bill said as he twiddled his thumbs, “I don’t really have a Pokemon to enter.” He then took a close glance at the poster and noticed one of the rules he overlooked “Each Hunter will be accompanied with one of his/her pokemon to help him/her out in sticky situations.” Bill then had a disappointed look. He commented, “I guess I can’t enter after all.” He then started out the train station.

    “Hold up,” said Diana. “There is a way you can enter. Why don’t you just get a starter from Prof. Oak like everyone else? After all, it’s not like you can’t.”

    Bill then looked up toward the sky and told Diana, “Truthfully, I never thought of such a scenario before on obtaining a pokemon. I guess I overlooked that small detail. The only problem is that I do not know the current location of said lab.”

    Diana commented, “Well then, you’re in luck. I’m heading to the lab. I can show you the way.” Bill nodded his head and the duo headed straight for the lab, a large, white building with a sign reading “Pokemon Research Facility”. When the two entered through the glass doors of the edifice, they noticed one certain man looking toward a Squirtle, Charmander, and Bulbasaur. He was approximately 6’3” with brown, spiky hair and wearing a lab coat with an Umbreon logo sewn on the back.

    He then turned toward the two trainers and said, “Ah, yes, you two must be the new starting trainers. Diana, congratulations on waiting this long to start your journey. I know you will become a Top Coordinator if you work hard and train even harder. Bill, I was told to expect your arrival and am glad to see that you’re back. I also had a gut feeling that you would miss the train…seeing that you couldn’t even make it to my classes on time.”

    Bill rubbed the back of his head and said, “Sorry about that.”

    “Well, putting that aside, you two are starting on a wonderful journey and, through experience and a little bit of luck, you can accomplish your dreams. Now that that speech is over, Bill, I remember you telling me that you don’t like Gym Battles too well, are you becoming a coordinator like both of your parents?”

    “No sir, I am becoming a Treasure Hunter,” Bill commented.

    “Well then, come over here please,” said Prof. Oak as he led the duo to the three Kanto starters: a Charmander, which is an orange lizard-like pokemon with a flame at the end of its tail, a Squirtle, which is a light blue turtle-like pokemon, and a Bulbasaur, which is a frog-like pokemon with a large green bulb emitting from its back. Prof. Oak then continued, “The three pokemon are the starters here in Kanto. You two obviously know which ones are which seeing that one of you your father has all three already and the other viewed my class on them, so I hope you two have thought long and hard about whom you are going to start off with.”

    Bill was the first to speak, “Well, both of my parents started off with a water-type Pokemon, so I will continue their legacy. I pick Squirtle.” He grabbed a pokeball. Its top was a royal blue color with the water drop symbol printed on the front, whereas the bottom was a standard white color.

    Prof. Oak then turned his attention to Diana and asked, “What about you?”

    Diana faced the two remaining pokemon. She then said, "I will choose...the Bulbasaur. It's the perfect stater for a coordinator." She then looked at her newly obtained Grass-type pokemon and commented, "I think I will give it a nickname. How about you, Bill?"

    “Fine by me,” he said. He then looked at the Squirtle and commented, “Well, how about the name, Hydro? It’s simple yet effective.” The Squirtle jumped for joy indicating that it liked its new nickname.

    “And I will call mine…Bloom, for someday, that’s what its bulb will do,” said Diana. Just then smoke appeared from then air. In the midst of the smoke was three figures.

    The first one, a female, started out by saying, “A force of entropy encompassing all.”

    The second one was male and he added, “Before our might all others will fall.”

    The third one was also male. He exclaimed, “To protect the world from devastation.”

    “To unite all people within our nation,” replied the female.

    “To dethrone the evil pure of heart,” commented the first male.

    The second male said, “To teach the mastery of our dark art.”

    The smoke then cleared to show Alex, Dylan, and Andy were all three standing in a pose. Alex called out, “Alex.”

    Andy then replied, “Andy.”

    Dylan finished, “Dylan."

    All three of them called out, “Team Rocket 2.0! Prepare for defeat for you are our foe!!!”

    Bill stood in amazement trembling slightly, “A Team Rocket attack, here? Aw man this just isn’t my day.”

    “What are you talking about?” asked Diana as she opened up her backpack. “I’ve heard of these chumps we can take them on. Pichu, let’s go!” A Pichu stumbled out of her backpack and ran up front.

    Dylan scoffed at her, “I think I’ll let you take this one Alex,” he said, “The other kid has a look of a hero about him, let’s wait and see what he does. I might just sick Andy on him.”

    “It’ll be my pleasure boss,” Alex said and retrieved a poke ball, “Come forth! Baltoy!!!”

    Baltoy called out, “Baaaaltoooooy.”

    “Now, Baltoy, crush that little baby Pichu with Mud Slap,” Baltoy raises a hand and it becomes covered in mud. It lunges forward towards Pichu.

    “Pichu! Dodge with quick attack and then attack while it’s vulnerable,” the younger girl yelled.

    “Pi!” the Pichu zipped sideways away from the Mud Slap and then lunged at the Baltoy, “Chu!”

    Bill then looked in fright toward Andy. “Well, you gonna do anything?” Andy asked in Bill’s direction. “If not then I will!” He drew back his arms in a pitcher’s stance and threw out a poke ball, “Up from the ashes, Vulpix!!”

    Vulpix, “Vulpix-vul.”

    “Here goes nothing,” Bill muttered under his breath, “Hydro, make your entrance!” He threw the Pokeball.

    Hydro called out, “Squritle, Squirtle.”

    “That’s all you have?” asked Andy a bit confused. “Come on, Vulpix, Ember!!!”

    Bill wracked his brain for a Squirtle attack and then out of desperation blurted out, “Bubble, Hydro!”

    Hydro, “Squirtle Squirt,” the squirtle breathed in deeply and blew out bubbles that collided with the embers and put them out. The bubbles made it through to the Vulpix hitting it critically and knocking it out of the fight.

    “Vulpix!” exclaimed Andy and ran to its aid.


    “Alright lets finish this Pichu!!!” Diana shouted.

    “Oh ho ho ho ho ho,” Alex laughed, “Your electric attacks are no good against Baltoy my sweet little ground type.”

    “I wasn’t planning on using an electric attack,” The girl replied smartly, “Pichu, IRON TAIL.”

    “What?” exclaimed Alex as Pichu struck Baltoy with Iron Tail knocking it out, “Baltoy return!” Alex recalled Baltoy.

    “You two think you’re lucky but you still have Boss Dylan to deal with,” Andy said with a wicked grin.

    “Really?” asked Bill confident now, “And what does boss Dylan have to say about that?”

    Dylan stepped forward exuding a feeling of deep anger causing Bill to step back a bit, “I say,” said the black-garbed young man, “That YOU TWO ARE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY USELESS!” He directed is fury at Alex and Andy, “Always relying on me to win the battles, never fighting to your fullest, and YOU Andy, you got taken out by this obviously rank amateur in one hit! I wash my hands of the lot of you. SNEASEL! Prepare Kamaitachi!”

    The Sneasel on Dylan’s shoulder leapt down and held its claws in the air. It began to glow a metallic royal blue color. Alex and Andy cowered in fear.

    “W-w-w-wait boss we’ll do better we promise,” Alex begged.

    “Please don’t use that attack,” Andy pleaded.

    Bill thought to himself, “Kamaitachi? Why does that sound familiar?”

    “Too late,” Dylan cried out in anger, “as of now, I quit! Now, Sneasel KaaaaaamaaaiiiiTACHI!!!” Dylan and Sneasel, in complete harmony, held their arms across their chests and swung them wide. The aura around Sneasel funneled into an X-shaped slash that flew forward and hit Alex and Andy sending them flying off into the sky. Dylan then proceeded to rip the red R off the front of his tank-T.

    Bill and the girl stared at him as he held the R in front of him it wobbling back and forth both in unison said, “Masking Tape?” Dylan dropped the R on the ground and turned to them.

    “Dylan Cypher, expert Trainer and Coordinator at your service,” he said with a bow.

    “Oh that’s right,” the girl said and turned to Bill, “I haven’t formally introduced myself. As you heard from Prof. Oak, my name is Diana Ketchum, soon to be top Coordinator,”

    Pichu poked it’s head out of the top of her backpack with an indignant ‘PI’.

    Diana said, “Oh right and this is Pichu my poke-pal for life.”

    Pichu happily called out, “Pichu, pichu.”

    Dylan stared at them, “And your name kid?”

    Bill turned to him, “I’m Bill from White Town. I aspire to be an Archaeologist…er I mean…Treasure Hunter.”

    Dylan, “It’s settled then we’ll all travel together.”

    Bill, “Wait WHAT? Who said anything about that?”

    Diana, “Come on, Bill, it’ll be fun. Besides, I owe you for wrecking your bike.”

    Dylan, “Yeah, c’mon, Bill, it’ll be fun!”

    Bill relented, “Alright then we’ll travel together.”

    Prof. Oak grabbed two watches and said, “Before you go, you’ll need these. These function as your Trainer IDs, Pokedexes and a few other functions including a direct link to your PC boxes. Diana, you’ve seen these before, so you can inform these two on how they work.”

    “Yes sir,” said Diana. The trio then exited out of the laboratory.

    Still in the lab, Prof. Oak grabbed a beaker and started to clean it. He then muttered, “They’re gone you can come out now.” A stranger in a tall gray coat and black shirt stepped out of a closet in the room.

    He then peered outside the window and said with a grin, “And so the Next Generation takes flight. I hope their parents will be proud of them."

    “I still don’t get how you knew that Bill would be late getting on that train,” commented Prof. Oak. “After all, he never missed one archaeology-related thing in his life. I’m just glad that he bought that excuse I gave him.”

    The mysterious man pulled out a Voltorb alarm clock and said, “I might’ve had something to do with that.”

    Last edited by Cyber Robert; 22nd January 2009 at 7:28 PM.

    Cyber's PC
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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Behind you


    Hey CB what's up? Havn't seen you lately.

    OK so this seems like a good beginning to a good fic (how cliche was that?).

    I didn't notice any spelling mistakes but I wasn't really looking for any.

    I did notice however, that the description and the chapter overall seemed a little bit rushed. This problem can be easily remadied and is not really a fic breaker. But fixing it would make the whole story flow better.

    Since I am not a very good writer at all this is purely from a reader's point of view so you might want to get a real review from someone like Air Dragon or another long term writer.

    Oh yeah I was wondering if this is another incarnation of the time travel fic. If so I really can't wait to find out what happens next. If not then I still want to know more about this world.

    Good luck with this fic.

    Einstein: If life is XYZ then X = having fun Y = working hard and Z = knowing when to keep your mouth shut

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Under stars and in silence.


    Hey, good to see a new 'fic here. Time to review:

    A teenage boy was lying in bed with his white and blue pajamas with green pokeballs patterned on them.
    He was lying in bed 'clothed in' his pajamas, not with. Saying 'with' makes it sound like he's laying next to a pair of pajamas rather than wearing them.

    When he woke up to the sound of a blaring horn as the local train left the station the red-haired young man thought,
    Too much clustered information. Try putting it differently, like "The sound of a blaring horn caused a young red-haired man to awake in surprise- a train was leaving the local station" Er, or something like that, you get my point.

    replied her son as Dawn, the mother,
    'HIS' mother.

    I remember there being another stop that that train must refuel.
    The train must refuel the stop? Put an 'at' at the end of the sentence.

    a pair of denim pant’s
    Get rid of the apostrophe in 'pants'.

    were sitting around waiting for something special to happen.
    I think 'sitting around expectantly' or removing the word 'special' would work better. It can't really be something special if it's expected.

    wearing a similar attire of clothing,
    Saying 'an attire of clothing' is like saying 'a trousers of pants', just say 'an attire' or 'wearing a similar outfit'.

    day-in and day-out
    I don't think you need the dashes.

    her mother, Misty Ketchum, was waiting at the front door.
    I've said it before and I'll say it again- unless there's a reason her mother HAS to be Misty, you should never use children of canon characters. If there really is a reason crucial to the plot that her mother has to be Misty and her father Ash, then lol@me. Thanks for not using a name that begins with 'A', though, I can't count all the Ashleys Ash has brought forth into the world.

    a great Coordinator.
    A coordinator is not a proper noun and shouldn't be capitalized. Like 'teacher' shouldn't be capitalized.

    …well besides your Pichu.”
    Big cliche here.

    She started to sprint south to the world famous laboratory ran by Professor Gary S. Oak, grandson of the famous Professor Samuel U. Oak.
    Why is it that Ash and Misty and Gary and everyone from the anime ever always end up living like minutes apart? They DO come from the same town, but still...

    After it spun vertically twice, the red and white ball opened up
    How many times it spun and in what direction seems like an unnecessary detail.

    He and his bike were instantly fried.
    I wouldn't mention this but you seem to be using a LOT of anime cliches here, and this is another addition to the pile. Also, the name Bill confused me, as there's a Bill in the game too, but I don't think they're connected... right?

    Why don’t you just get a starter from Prof. Oak like everyone else? After all, it’s not like you can’t.”
    The last sentence is unnecessary.

    “Team Rocket 2.0!
    Eh? Why 2.0? Have they been upgraded to the latest version? And Professor Oak seems to have no personality here whatsoever.

    “I’ve heard of these chumps we can take them on. Pichu, let’s go!”
    Whaa? What about Gary? He has insanely strong Pokemon- I mean, he was nearly champion. What, is he just standing off to the side twiddling his thumbs?

    “What?” exclaimed Alex as Pichu struck Baltoy with Iron Tail knocking it out,
    So once again, a Ketchum is beating the crap out of pathetically weak Rockets? Try to be more original.

    Pichu poked it’s head
    What, Pichu doesn't have a gender? And why doesn't he/she have a name? She named her Bulbasaur, after all. Or is she going to call it by its species, just like Ash does? *Sigh*

    Prof. Oak grabbed two watches and said, “Before you go, you’ll need these. These function as your Trainer IDs, Pokedexes and a few other functions including a direct link to your PC boxes. Diana, you’ve seen these before, so you can inform these two on how they work.”
    LOOOL, so he just ignores everything that happens and pops up again when it's over? Poor, poor Gary.

    The trio then exited out of the laboratory.
    Should be 'exited the laboratory'. And why'd Dylan join them? If he wasn't a real Rocket, how on earth did he get two real rockets to follow him around and think he was a 'boss', and why'd he get so mad when they lost? That part was rather confusing. I do like the little mystery at the end, though.

    Okay, all in all, you're not a bad writer, you have very good grammar/spelling, though you tend to use very minimal description and over all it's a bit dialogue-intensive. But the biggest problem is all the cliches- there are so many similarities to the anime in this it's mind-boggling. You have someone waking up late, getting a starter from 'Prof. Oak', beating the pants off of Team Rocket, a bike getting fried, and I could go on.

    Minus these things, you have a decent story. I hope to see you update soon.

    { Click above to see my art thread. }

    I also write.
    { Song of the Small }

    A study of the journey 'fic.

    'I should like to lie at your feet and die in your arms.'

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Team Rocket HQ


    Thank you both for reviewing.

    SamuraiDragon1- I realize that it was a bit rushed, but really there wasn't much I could do about it. We decided to rewrite the first two chapters then continue from there. Well actually, it's the prequel to the time-travel fiction.

    Estuary- first of all, I would like to say thanks for giving us a larger review. Now then, for all the grammatical errors, I will say thank you for pointing those out, I will fix them momentarily. Now then, here's some things you should note. In order of your review.
    I've said it before and I'll say it again- unless there's a reason her mother HAS to be Misty, you should never use children of canon characters. If there really is a reason crucial to the plot that her mother has to be Misty and her father Ash, then lol@me. Thanks for not using a name that begins with 'A', though, I can't count all the Ashleys Ash has brought forth into the world.
    Yes, there is a plot reason why she's the daughter of Misty. And you're welcome. I tell you what, I don't like the name Ashley for Ash's daughter anyways.

    The Cliches were put in there on purpose.

    Eh? Why 2.0? Have they been upgraded to the latest version?
    Remember back in the days of Silver and Gold when Team Rocket disbanded? Perhaps that will explain.

    What, Pichu doesn't have a gender? And why doesn't he/she have a name? She named her Bulbasaur, after all. Or is she going to call it by its species, just like Ash does? *Sigh*
    Dylan didn't want to nickname it, or he just didn't assign one. I will see if he and I can agree on a nickname.

    No Bill in the games/anime and this Bill are two different people.

    Whaa? What about Gary? He has insanely strong Pokemon- I mean, he was nearly champion. What, is he just standing off to the side twiddling his thumbs?
    Here's my answer, Gary retired from battling a long time ago, do you see Prof. Oak in the anime still battling?

    Don't worry too much about the cliches. Truthfully, the first chapter is the only total cliche chapter. I will update soon.

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  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Team Rocket HQ


    Well, here's chapter 2. I hope you enjoy it. After this, then we will start the Primary, secondary writer thing. Up till next chapter we were both the primary writers. Okay that's enough CB, let them read the chapter, now.

    Episode Two: The Hounds of Hallows Eve

    When we last left our three intrepid adventurers they had only just decided to begin journeying together. After Bill explained his wishes to enter the Treasure hunt in Pewter, the team has now decided to hike to Viridian where they could catch a bus-ride to Pewter saving them two days; however, on the way to Viridian, Dylan looked down and kicked stones as he walked. The others had grown silent as well. Pretty much all necessary information had been conveyed amongst them. Even Sneasel was quiet having decided to hang over Dylan’s shoulder long ways and take a nap. The black-garbed youth sighed and closed his eyes. He said to himself, bored, “If there’s anything to do on the way to Viridian, let it hit me now.” Suddenly, he collided with what felt like a stiff, wooden figure. With a loud thud, Dylan fell to the ground. “OW, geez, what was that for?” He asked and looked up through a squinted eye.

    In front of him was a sign proclaiming ‘Shade Town one mile northwest’ with an arrow pointing down a fork in the road. Below this sign was a wrinkled bulletin that was tacked to the signpost. Dylan glanced at it, leapt up in excitement, and read it again. By now, the others had caught up to him.

    “What’s up with you Dylan?” asked Bill when he noticed is new companion reading the sign.

    “Hey let’s go visit Shade Town,” Dylan said turning to them and waving his arms at his side. “It’ll be fun, and we can crash at my apartment there. C’mon, what do you say pleeeeaaaase?” Bill and Diana stared at him a moment then looked at each other then back at him.

    After a few moments of awkward silence, “Why?” Diana asked cautiously not entirely trusting the kid who had only earlier today been a member of Team Rocket.

    “C’mon, C’mon, C’mon,” Dylan said in frustration, “We’ve gotta go, we’ve just gotta!” He was frantic now, ran around behind the two, and began pushing them down the road to Shade Town. Bill caught a glimpse of the bulletin as they passed the sign. It read, ‘Please join us this week for our Trick-or-Treat Week Festivities’

    “Trick or Treat Week?” He said quizzically, “It’s the middle of July. Halloween isn’t for three and a half months.”

    Diana read the bulletin herself, and her eyes got all starry. She ran around behind Bill and helped Dylan push, “C’mon, Bill; it’s free candy who can turn that down?”

    Bill stumbled a bit but finally gained his balance and turned to them. “Well, since you put it that way…fine,” he said giving in, “but let us not forget that we have to be in Pewter in three days.”

    “WE WON’T!” Diana and Dylan both exclaimed in happy unison. The three covered the mile in record time and came to what looked like a pure black dome with purple lightning surrounding the hemisphere.

    Diana’s happy expression turned into one of fright. “I will not go in there,” she objected stubbornly. “I refuse; it looks evil!”

    “Come on, Diana,” Dylan disputed. “It’s my hometown, and it’s where the candy is.”

    “Do I look like I care?” Diana protested and dropped on the ground. “You two are welcome to leave me waiting right here and go get some candy. I’m not going.” Dylan and Bill looked at one another, nodded, and then stood at either side of Diana. Bill grabbed her right arm. Dylan grabbed her left. The two of them between themselves lifted her up and began walking toward the surface of the dome. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Diana asked looked at the two of them. She started to squirm around and yell, “NO, PUT ME DOWN! STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP STOOOOOOP!” The two supporting her between them strode through the black barrier. Once inside, the heroes were greeted by a city plunged into an artificial night. There were streetlamps, neon signs, and many other sort of dim artificial illumination. With the Halloween-esque decorations strewn about the place, it looked like a living, breathing Halloween Town. Even the stalls and shops had an eerie abandoned look among them.

    Bill thought to himself, "These decorations are really authentic enough to make me feel a bit scared."

    Diana had the opposite emotion. She stared at the place enchanted she turned to Dylan. “You live here?” she asked in dazzled awe.

    Dylan nodded, “Yeah, well, sort of. I like this place best; although, I didn’t really grow up here. I was born in Hoenn’s Petalburg City. My mom and dad both had jobs that required a lot of hustling around. We’d make it a point to all get together, so we weren’t a broken family, but we had a lot of places. Our typical home was the road, whether I was with Dad, Mom or both. It was an exciting life. Then, when I was sixteen years old, Dad got a job change and he invited me to stay with him here in Shade Town. I stuck it out here. When I got a job and earned enough money, I bought my own place. My dad had to start traveling again shortly after that, but I stayed behind going to the family meetings in Petalburg and LaRousse. Occasionally, Mom and Dad would come visit me here in Shade.”

    “Sounds like a nice life I guess,” Bill said looking around the place. “I don’t think I could have dealt with all the running around the way you did. My mom and dad moved me to White Town shortly after I was born, so that’s really the only hometown I know. I also had a friend who would visit me from a faraway country called Achino. He would tell me stories about his travels in Achino. I was not really interested in travel at the time, but I listened to his stories with the thought of discoveries within the ruins of such places.”

    “I can identify with the traveling,” Diana said. “My mom and dad were and still are traveling fiends. They touch bases with their friends here and there, but I don’t think they really have a set home. We used a mobile home to travel most of the time and didn’t really carry anything that could make us rooted to any particular place. Well, that was until a couple of months ago. We decided to move into a small home in Pallet, Dad’s hometown. Now, Mom and Dad both live there; although you wouldn't be able to tell it with Dad as he always is out of the house.”

    “Well, now, that we’ve had a lesson into each-others family life, what do you say we get our trick-or-treat on?” Dylan said and rushed off into town.

    “Where’re we going?” Bill asked catching up to his eager companion.

    “My place, we’re going to get our trick-or-treat costumes together. I have a well-stocked costume closet,” Dylan called back over his shoulder. The Sneasel resting on Dylan’s shoulder awakened to see the surrounding area. It looked around in awe and moved its body so it was sitting on the shoulder instead of hanging. Diana was the furthest behind due to delay of realization.

    She tried to catch up to them and called out, “Hey you guys wait for…AAAAAAAH!” Her scream was elicited by a swift shadow running between her and her far-ahead companions. A small mob of people were chasing the dark figure, which closer inspection revealed to be a Houndour, a black dog-like pokemon with a white skull on its forehead, white ribs surrounding its main body, and a brown snout. Diana was furious when she saw this. She yelled, while running toward the gang, “HEY! What do you think you’re doing chasing that poor pokemon?”

    “Poor Pokemon?” an elderly woman near the back asked quizzically. She thwacked the young girl upside the head and claimed, “You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew have the trouble him and his lot have been causing us. Now, mind your own business, you little hooligan, or I’ll make you.” Diana clinched her fist but Dylan stopped her from doing anything rash.

    “That’s odd,” Dylan said as he was viewing the assault on the Houndour. “I don’t remember the locals ever having any sort of dispute with the pokemon.”

    Bill studied the mob and the Houndour. Then, he looked around town to notice, for the first time, the abandoned stands, which he had at first pegged as decorations, were actually supposed to be part of the festival. He walked up to one and read a sign tacked to the side. He read aloud, “Closed due to Houndour infestation.” Bill looked puzzled. He thought, “Houndour infestation?” A little confused, he mumbled to himself, “Houndour’s a fire-type not a bug-type. How can Houndour infest?”

    At that very moment, there was a rumbling from further down the street. The three of the friends looked up to see a massive pack of Houndour charging right at them. They stood stunned at the sheer number of them.

    “RUUUUUN!” Diana shouted and the three took off down the street. They ran as fast as they could with the Houndour pack at their heels. From their left they heard a siren and a small flatbed police truck pulled up beside them.

    “Jump in,” a male voice called out to them. It originated from a tall thin man with blue hair. He was wearing a trench coat and a pair of green sunglasses. He motioned for the young adults to leap onto the back of the vehicle. Bill and Dylan bounded onto the backside of the vehicle. Diana, too occupied by running for her life, could not find the coordination to leap onto the location.

    “This isn’t good,” Dylan said to himself. He looked onto his shoulder and commanded, “Sneasel, get ready to hold them back with Shadow Ball!” Sneasel leapt from his shoulder and in front of Dylan. It stood at the ready.

    “Come on, Diana,” Bill yelled, “just jump!” Diana shook her head fiercely. She could not muster the reflex. Finally, Bill held out a hand to her, and she grabbed it. With a little help from Dylan, he managed to hoist their comrade into the back of the truck. The driver hit the accelerator. The vehicle rocketed around a couple of corners toward the Pokemon Center in the middle of town.

    Dylan ordered, “Alright now, Sneasel!” Sneasel built of a ball of dark force and hurled it at the ever nearing pack of hounds. It crashed into their front line, while, at the same time, it stumbled up the rest of the pack, giving the truck a clean getaway.


    “Thank you for saving us back there, James,” Dylan said to the blue-haired driver of the police truck as the group of five strolled up the stairs of the Pokemon Center. At the top was two doors each with its own sign. The first one read, “Town Hall” and the other read “Mayor’s office”.

    “Not a problem, really,” James replied, “You’ve gotten me out of a couple of binds in the past. In fact, I probably still owe you.”

    “MEowth, you better bet you owe this kid, James, if it woin’t fah him you would still be back at dah academy spit-shinin the director’s shoes,” a tan cat with a coin in the middle of its forehead said from James’s right.

    “Say? Aren’t you the Meowth from Team Rocket?” Diana asked the Pokemon skeptically, “cause that’s the only one I’ve ever heard of that could talk all on its own."

    “As a matter of fact,” Bill said getting edgy, “I believe, there was a James in the original Team Rocket. Or was I wrong on that?”

    The two stopped dead in their tracks and turned slowly to face the other two. James spoke first, “Well, yes, you see a couple of years back, Meowth, my partner Jessie, and I got tired of trying to cause mayhem and turned over new leaves. I decided to become a detective so that I could atone for the sins of my past.” James stood fists clenched staring off into space as streams of tears flowed from his eyes.

    Meowth leaned over and whispered to Diana, “Don’t let im fool ya. E just wanted to look good for Gardenia.”

    “I HEARD THAT MEOWTH!!!” James yelled and tackled the feline pokemon down the steps.

    “They’re alright; let's get up to the mayor’s office,” Dylan said over his shoulder and the other two nodded in response. Dylan pushed open the door that was below the second sign. As they entered the office they could see the town’s Officer Jenny, the mayor, which was a portly man with a small mustache and a comb over, a guy dressed in an attire similar to Dylan’s, and a middle-aged woman in a dark-blue business suit that did not at all go with the red bandana she wore.

    “Madame Director May!” James exclaimed as he followed the three youths through the door.

    “What are you doin here? We thought you had piles of paperwoik ta do?” Meowth asked. The middle-aged woman turned to the group who had entered the room.

    “Ah, James, Meowth, about time you two good-for-nothings showed up,” May said her chipper tone belying the cruel words, “As for the paperwork I pulled an all-nighter and plowed through it. How goes the investigation?”

    "There's no way, she plowed through a pile of paperwork in a single night. She’s just here for the candy," Dylan thought staring dubiously at May. Bill and Diana joined him in his stare.

    Bill thought, "This is the May my mom told me about. She’s probably just here for the candy."

    "Just like May to turn up when there’s sweets involved," Diana thought. “She’s almost worse than her Munchlax."

    “Are those malicious thought voice-overs I hear?” May asked in the three’s direction, and Bill and Diana stared at Dylan from either side.

    Dylan grinned and Sneasel, who had been sitting on the floor beside him climbed up his back and onto his shoulder. “Of course not, Mom,” the black-garbed youth replied with a grin.

    Bill gave him a confused look. Diana stood there mouth agape. They both joined in thought, “That’s May’s son?”

    “Good!” May said in the same chipper tone before returning her attention to James and Meowth, “Now, please tell the assembled party about the case, boys,” she said to them.

    “Sure thing, Madame Director,” Meowth said as he and James walked off-screen and pulled a bulletin board back with them. “As far as we knew when we first began investigatin. The Houndour aren’t too jazzed about trick-r-treat week. So a varitable hoid of them has been rampaging across town for weeks.”

    “We’ve tried to capture one so Meowth could interrogate but their numbers are just too big. The Houndour weak enough to capture fall back behind the strong, ready-to-fight ones,” James continued a bit disheartened.

    “That won’t be a problem anymore,” Dylan said as he produced a Pokeball, “While we were driving off, I managed to catch one of the Houndour I hit with Shadow Ball.” Sneasel glared at Dylan. Dylan then realized what he said and told the group, “I mean, that Sneasel hit with Shadow Ball.”

    “Great work!” May exclaimed catching him in a headlock and giving him a noogie, “Just what I’d expect from the Shade Knight, soon to be world famous coordinator.” All others in the room looked on as sweat drops formed behind their heads. After a drawn out interval of time Dylan called out his newly caught Houndour. It looked around the room and immediately cowered. Dylan stooped beside the pup.

    “It’s okay little guy we don’t want to hurt you,” he said trying the comfort it, “Meowth here just needs to ask you something.” The little Houndour looked at the Cat Pokemon and tilted its head quizzically.

    “Here goes nuttin,” Meowth said and stepped up the Houndour. He tried to coax it, “Hey little buddy what’s had you and them other Houndour upset about trick-or-treat week?”

    The Houndour looked down and then up it shook its head. “Houn, Houndour,” it said sounding almost like a whimper.

    “E says e can’t say,” Meowth told Dylan.

    “Why can’t you tell us?” Dylan asked. “Is something wrong? You can tell me, because I’m your trainer now. If it’s a problem you have I can help you fight back against it.” The pup looked up at Dylan and then became excited. It wagged its tale and began yipping incessantly.

    ”E says that some twoip named Timmy fell down a well.” The Houndour started to bark again. “Oh, is that wrong?” After a few moments of irritated sounds from Houndour, Meowth corrected his translation. “E says that if you’re willing to help then e’ll tell ya,” Meowth said. The Houndour turned to Meowth and started to bark. After hearing the story Meowth summarized, “It seems there’s been this Houndoom recently came to where these little guys were hangin’ out and started pushin’ them around. Told um to wreck the human’s celebrations.”

    “Why didn’t they just stand up to the Houndoom?” Diana asked puzzled. “They’ve gotta outnumber it at least a hundred to one.”

    “Houndour, Houn, Dour, Houndour, Dour, Houndour,” The Houndour yipped on in response.

    Meowth translated, “It seems that they’re all too afraid that they’ll lose to the Houndoom. Not even one is brave enough to go against him because he’s evolved. Plus he claims to have more Houndoom backing him up.”

    “This is just horrible!” May exclaimed, “We have to help these poor Houndour get out from under that Houndoom’s paw! James, get the truck ready.”

    “Scratch that,” Bill said overstepping his authority and not caring. “If we go by truck the Houndoom will know we’re coming and will run and hide till we leave. It’s best if only a few of us go by foot. What do you say guys? Should we go?”

    Dylan nodded, “Bill’s right, mom, we’ll take care of the Houndoom. You let the people in town know to get back to work on trick-or-treat week.” May looked a bit disheartened having her moment so thoroughly squashed but she rallied.

    “Alright then, Dylan,” she said, “We’ll have the town swimming in free candy by the time you get back!”

    "That or you’ll have eaten it all," the three youths thought simultaneously.

    “More malicious thoughts?” whined May at the three.

    “Can you lead us to the Houndoom?” Dylan asked the pup and it yipped a yes.

    “I guess I don’t need to translate that much,” Meowth said, “Good luck to ya kids youz gonna need it.”

    “Please save trick-or-treat week for our fair city,” the mayor pleaded with them, “the people of Shade Town work so hard every year to prepare for the many festivals it’s a shame to see their efforts go to waste.”

    “Don’t worry, Bossman,” The black-clad youth, whom at the right of the mayor, said. “If anyone can stop that Houndoom, it’s my little bro.” He wiped his forehead and claimed, “Not to mention, he can bail out his friends if they get themselves into too much trouble.”

    Diana’s Pichu poked it’s head out of her backpack and exclaimed, “PI!”

    “Pichu’s right that was totally rude,” Diana said indignantly. Bill just stood there watching the group act like kids before striding out the office door. Dylan noticed first and followed him the Houndour at his their heels.

    “This is for good luck,” claimed Dylan’s brother as he threw a red rose toward Diana, who admired the flower for a moment. She then took another couple seconds before she turned to chase after them.

    “Hey, you guys, wait up!” Diana called petulantly.

    Meowth turned to May, “Um, boss lady, you sure it’s okay to leave it up to them?” He asked a bit concerned, “They’re newbies right? What if they screw up?”

    “They won’t,” said a voice from the mayor’s window.

    “So you finally show yourself,” May said with a bit of a teasing tone. “This isn’t your style. You’re usually all for the flamboyant entrance. What’s with the change of heart?”

    “I’m watching the kid,” The grey-cloaked stranger replied. “Not yours or the girl, the other kid.”

    “Oh, him, is there anything special about him?” asked the Dylan’s brother.

    “Yeah, he’s got a good head on his shoulders, and he instantly bonds with pokemon,” the stranger replied.

    “Instantly? Are you sure?” James asked puzzled. He thought to himself, “Not even he was able to bond instantly.”

    “Positive,” the stranger insisted, “I want to see where that skill takes him.”

    ~*.At the Houndoom Lair.*~

    “You sure this is the place?” Diana asked looking at the dark spooky cave and practically doubled over in fear.

    “What’s with your fear of the dark?” Bill asked her puzzled that a pokemon trainer could have such an aversion.

    “Don’t you worry about it,” Diana retorted her temper overriding her fear.

    “Now that you’re riled up, we should go in,” Dylan said. “Houndour, lead the way.” The Houndour yipped and strode into the cave. The three youths strode in after it.

    It was some time before they finally came to a wide-open spot in the center of the cavern where there was a large bonfire. In front of it lounged, a rather satisfied looking Houndoom, a large, black, dog-like Pokemon with two curved horns sticking out of its head. Along the walls of the cavern were boxes of decorations, costumes, and candy that the Houndour had been forced to steal. Dylan gritting his teeth stepped through the doorway.

    “Alright, you lazy bum of a crime boss, your reign of terror over the Houndour ends today!” He exclaimed only to be faced moments later by a pack of said Houndour. “…eheh…”

    “Hey, save some fun for us,” Diana said as she stepped through the cave’s entrance. “Pichu, let’s teach them not to mess with other people’s candy!”

    Pichu hopped out of Diana‘s backpack and stood defiantly before the Houndour, “PICHU!”

    “Hydro, let’s dampen their spirits a bit!” Bill said and threw Hydro’s pokeball into the air. The Squirtle jumped with delight as it entered the battle.

    “Thanks, guys,” Dylan said. “Houndour, go for the Houndoom using Howl.” The little Houndour made its way through the pack toward the Houndoom.

    “HOUNDOUR!” it yelped out as it neared the larger dog.

    “Houndoom,” The bigger dog crouched and leered at the smaller Houndour.

    “Ignore the leer, and go for an ember!” Dylan shouted. The Houndour opened its mouth and spewed hot embers at the bigger dog. The bigger dog shook them off and its eyes started to glow another golden Leer.

    Diana exclaimed, “Dylan, you idiot! Houndoom’s ability stops all fire attacks and powers him up!”

    “Oh, I forgot,” replied Dylan as a sweat drop appeared over his head. Dylan commanded, “Return its Leer!” The little pup did so using Leer on the bigger animal. The Houndoom ducked its head again and then let out a Roar. The Houndour ran back to Dylan frightened and leapt up hitting the button on its pokeball.

    “Poor guy,” Dylan said and he stared at the bigger dog. “You’ll pay for that!”

    “Yeah but I’ll make him pay,” said Bill as he stepped in front of his companion, “Hydro, you ready?”

    “Squirtle, Squirt!” Hydro replied both trainer and pokemon were standing, eyes bright with the fire of determination.

    “Now, Hydro, BUBBLE!” Bill yelled. The turtle pokemon leapt at the large dog inhaling deeply and let out a burst of bubbles that flew straight at the larger pokemon. The bubbles seem to catch the light and shimmer, they hit the dog with fierce impact as though they were rapidity hurled rocks.

    “Bill, that’s not Bubble,” Diana said walking up to where the other two were, “That’s Bubble Beam.”

    “Dang, your Squirtle learned Bubble Beam right in the nick of time,” Dylan said excitedly, “That Houndoom’s down for the count.”

    “How is that possible?” asked Bill, “unless…” he reached into his backpack to discover that an old TM that he used as a good luck charm throughout school seemed to have disappeared. “I knew it. My TM is missing.”

    Dylan said, “TM? No TM has Bubblebeam.”

    Bill explained, “One of them used to. Mom had it for quite sometime. She gave it to me for good luck. Neither of us thought that it would work.” The Houndoom decided that it had enough. It ran out of the cave yelping in pain. “It seems that this coward has had enough.”

    “Either way, good job, Mr. Hero,” Dylan said holding up a hand to Bill in the high five gesture. Bill high-fived him and they turned to Diana and they each shared a high five with her as well.

    “Well trick-or-treat week is saved that means we get free candy!” Dylan exclaimed jumping for joy.

    “Sneasel!” Sneasel joined in with his trainer’s merriment.

    “I guess in this case it’s like mother like son,” Diana said as she watched Dylan celebrate their victory.

    Meanwhile from afar the cloaked stranger and May look on to this display. “I see what you mean,” May said, “He befriended Hydro as though it were nothing. I bet you’re jealous. I mean you couldn’t even befriend your Squirtle that fast.”

    “I could sense it to begin with,” the grey-cloaked stranger replied. “These kids are going to go farther than any of the last generation ever dreamed. Of course, there’s still a few more Next Gens before that can happen.”

    “It almost makes me wish I were a kid again,” May said with a sigh as she picked up her coffee cup and a cream-filled doughnut.

    The cloaked stranger walked toward the exit, smiled, and replied, “You’re saying you grew up?”

    “Shut up,” retorted May as she threw the doughnut at him. She grumbled to herself, “What is it with people and negative thoughts about me?”

    End of Episode Two

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  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Behind you


    Ok I like this chapter better than the first one.

    I'm going to get to the mistakes first.

    There was one spelling mistake that I saw but I can't find it again so...

    Quote Originally Posted by CyberBlastoise View Post

    “Do I look like I care?” Diana protested and dropped on the ground. “You two are welcome to leave me waiting right here and go get some candy. I’m not going.” Dylan and Bill looked at one another, nodded, and then stood at either side of Diana. Bill grabbed her right arm. Dylan grabbed her left. The two of them between themselves lifted her up and began walking toward the surface of the dome.
    I don't like the word "themselves" It just seems kind of awkword in this sentance. You could maybe use "Together they picked her up and began walking toward the surface of the dome." or something similar.

    I think, of all the writing you have done, the best part is when the charicters realize they are ina story. Or make references to the fact.

    I liked James and Meowth. They both stuck just close enough to the anime without being knockoffs.

    I wonder where Jessie will come in.

    Anyway, great chapie and I can't wait for more.
    Einstein: If life is XYZ then X = having fun Y = working hard and Z = knowing when to keep your mouth shut

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Invading Pekopon, de arimasu!


    The only 'problem' (If you'd act very anal about writing) would be only the comma use, which for some odd reason, I keep finding it odd that a 'pause' in a sentence is never shown with a comma that comes up in my head while reading.

    Other than that, this isn't that bad a fic. Keep it up, yo.
    3DS FC: 1032 - 1228 - 8506 (Be sure to VM/PM me if you add me)

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