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Thread: Accidentally in Love <3

  1. #1
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    Post Accidentally in Love <3

    Accidentally in Love
    Belleshipping-Drew<3 Dawn
    Rated PG-13 and may escalated to a higher PG-13 lvl, but that will be announced.

    Heyy, this is my first fanfic post on Seribii so I hope it doesn't suck! Lol. Basically the whole story is about Dawn who decides to travel with Drew for awhile because he is supposed to teach her how to be a better coordinator and her mom thinks it’s a good idea. But, as most partnerships go between argumentative people, the two of them share a few quarrels, a few special moments and among other things some interesting experiences. And just to top it all off, Drew thinks he is going to win the Grand Festival for the third year running but Dawn seems to have other plans that balance with a few tricks up her sleeve...

    (References used: Bulbapedia.)

    Yeah, I did use Bulbapedia for some things to make sure that the pokeworld agreed with everything I write.

    Hope it doesn't suck! Reviews (Good or bad) are welcome but no nasty flames please! >.< Enjoy!


    Chapter 1

    So she said what's the problem baby
    What's the problem I don't know
    Well maybe I'm in love (love)
    Think about it every time
    I think about it
    Can't stop thinking 'bout it
    How much longer will it take to cure this
    Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
    Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
    We're accidentally in love
    Accidentally in love

    Drew scowled. Dawn glowered.

    “You don’t have to be such a pushover!” Drew said, flicking his hair out of his eyes.
    “Pushover?!” Dawn exclaimed angrily.
    “Yeah, ever hear the word?” Drew spat.
    “Yes, but the definition doesn’t apply to me as much as it does you!” Dawn snarled.
    “You wish.” Drew smirked egotistically.
    “Why don’t you just skip off to May and leave me alone.”
    “I don’t skip.”
    “Oh right, you strut.”
    “I do not!
    “Sure you don’t!” Dawn smirked.
    “So immature.” Drew rolled his eyes. “Roserade. Come one.” The small rose pokemon followed obediently as its trainer retreated to the pokemon center.
    “At least I don’t overwork my pokemon the way you hurt your poor Absol!” Dawn called. Drew froze. This was a touchy subject and she knew that.
    “It’s none of your business how I train my pokemon. Besides, didn’t your last boyfriend train his like the devil?” If she was going to fight dirty so would he.
    “That’s different!” Dawn snapped.
    “Not really; good treatment of your pokemon is the same for all trainers. That’s a basic rule, Arceus, your worse than May!”
    “…”
    “Nothing to say? Fine, let me go rest my pokemon at the center so we can actually win the Grand Festival tomorrow.” Drew began walking again with Roserade following. Dawn glowered again.
    “You think your all that only because you’re one year older than me! Eighteen isn’t all that great!” she called angrily. Drew rolled his eyes and held up his hand as he continued walking to the pokemon center. “Meanie!” Dawn snarled under her breath and stalked after him into the center.
    “One room please.” Drew’s overly polite voice floated around the room.
    “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. We are all booked up tonight!” Nurse Joy apologized. “You could try the Hotel Grand Lake. It’s the closest thing to Pastoria that may have room. You see the Grand Festival has caused quite a commotion and many trainers have come to support their friends and watch the coordinators battle. The resort is just down route 213 and along Valor Lakefront. Again, I apologize for the inconvenience.”
    Drew smiled and thanked the nurse while Dawn dug for her map.
    “That just sucks.” She said pulling it out of her bag. Drew didn’t reply as he stepped outside and began walking. “Hotel Grand Lake is one of Sinnoh's most popular resorts. Taking up a large stretch of Route 213 and part of Valor Lakefront, the hotel's rooms are actually small bungalows spread out on terraces along the grounds. The hotel is also the home of the Seven Stars Restaurant, an eatery where double battles are held every day between 9 AM and 11 PM. The resort is very close to Pastoria City, and a ways away from Sunyshore.” Dawn read. Suddenly she froze and Drew nearly bumped into her.
    “What?” he asked.
    “The rooms are little cottage-like things.” She said staring at the map.
    “And?” Drew asked, irriated.
    “That means I have to sleep outside!” she groaned.
    “What are you talking about?” Drew snapped in annoyance.
    “I can’t afford to stay at a place like this!” she whined.
    “I still don’t see your point.”
    “I can’t sleep in there if I can’t afford it! We aren’t all Grand Festival winners with tons of money and fans like you!” she snapped.
    “Who said you would be paying for anything? I might be easily irritated by you but I’m not about to make you sleep outside!” Drew scoffed.
    “Oh!” Dawn exclaied in surprise. By now they had reached and were crossing the beach that lead to the front entrance of Hotel Grand Lake of of route 213. When they entered Drew greeted the receptionist with the same polite tone he had used at the pokemon center.
    “One room for two please.” He said. The receptionist was momentarily stunned by his appearance as she fumbled for a form.
    “U-Um…sure.” She gushed.
    Drew patiently filled out the form and gathered the key. He then thanked the receptionist and pulled Dawn along by the sleeve. The seventeen year old coordinator followed quietly still thankful to Drew for this.
    “How about we eat first?” Drew offered.
    “I can’t-”
    “My treat.”he rolled his eyes.
    Dawn nodded thankfully and they walked side by side to the Seven Stars Restaurant right alongside of Lake Valor.
    “Table for two.” Drew insisted on being polite.
    “Yes sir. Inside or outside?” the hostess asked gthering two menus. Drew turned to Dawn.
    “Inside is fine.” She said.
    “By a window please.” Drew added.
    “Right this way.” The hostes smiled and motioned for them to follow. She lead them to a table in the back, left corner and placed the menus down. “Thank you, and have a nice evning.”
    “Thank you.” Drew replied as he pulled out a chair for Dawn. The hostess smiled and dissapeared. Dawn sat awkwardly and held the menu up to her nose scaning it for the cheapest thing. Drew sat and also began to examin his menu.
    The cheapest thing was an appetizer for two consiting of multiple berries and different sushi’s which was still fairly expensive at 20.99 Pokedollars.
    Neither of them spoke throughout the meal except for a few words of thanks on Dawn’s part. When they finished Drew paid the bill and thanked the waitress. As they were leaving he commented on Dawn’s eating habbits.
    “You have a much more manerly eating style than May, as she would guzzle everything down in seconds.”
    Dawn could only nod as her stomach began to bother her when they arrived.
    They had fourth and largest little bungalow at the top of the hill. Right out front it had the pool and out of the widow you could easily see Seven Stars Restaurant down below. Inside, there was a desk along one wall and a refrigerator in the corner. An exotic looking plant stood in the other corner but Dawn noticed none of this. She was staring at the one, king-sized bed along the back wall of the room.
    Drew threw his coat over the back of the chair and pried Dawn’s bag out of her iron grasp, placing it on the desk. Then he returned Roserade to its pokeball and placed his own belongs on the desk.
    “T-there’s only one bed.” Dawn spluttered.
    “Of course. You didn’t think two would fit in here did you?” Drew replied unaffected. Dawn tried to move but her body was frozen. Drew ignored her and began checking the recipt from the dinner. Dawn was about to comment further but her stomach gave a lurch and she sprinted to the bathroom. Dawn vomited in the toliet and her stomach surrendered all the nasty berries she had been trying to keep down. Dawn watched in disgust as a cheri berry spiraled down the drain. Then another wave of nausea hit and she vomted again.
    “Hey. You ok?” Drew asked from the doorway. Dawn shook her head and yet another wave of nausea hit causing the berries to swirl down the drain again. Drew held her hair back and waited until Dawn was finished to flush. Dawn groaned leaned on the sink for support.
    “Can you make it to the bed?” Drew asked. Dawn nodded and tried to walk over but she stubled along the way and Drew caught her. “Maybe not.” He helped her to the bed and then grabbed the trashcan and placed it at the bedside. Dawn sat very still letting her stomach settle. Then it passed as quickly as it had come and Dawn sighed in relief.
    “Thanks.” She mumbled and Drew hid a smile. Dawn stood and grabbed her bag so she could change into her pajamas. She entered the bathroom and closed the door.
    Dawn pulled out her pink pajama pants and slipped them on. She searched through her bag for the tanktop that went with it but it was mising. Dawn growled in annoyance and wrapped a towel around herself, she exited the bathroom and began searching.
    “What are you looking for?” Drew asked looking at the recipt again.
    “My pajama top.” Dawn answered. She searched the desk onehanded and came up with nothing. “Ugh!” Suddenly a cloth covered her face and landed on her head. Dawn pulled it off hopefully but it wasn’t her tanktop she was holding. She stared at the black shirt in puzzlment. “What…?”
    “Use that for now.” Drew replied. Dawn turned and saw he was topless and she blushed. The minute he turned his back on her she slipped it on and and threw the towel back on the rack. Then Dawn brushed her teeth and got ready for bed. She sent out Piplup and settled on the bed with her brush. The Penguin pokemon yawned and fell asleep in her lap as Dawn began brushing. Meanwhile Drew had thrown on a pair of lose shorts to sleep with and tossed his things back onto the desk. Dawn finished brushing and packed all her thigns away and returned Piplup to its pokeball after a goodnight kiss. Then she stood awkwardly looking at the bed while Drew plopped down on it.
    “Are you planing on sleeping standing up?” he asked. Dawn blushed but didn’t move.
    “I-I think…I’ll just…um…” Dawn gulped. “Um…call…May or … Ash first. Yeah, I’m gonna go…call Ash!” Dawn stuttered and turned to look for her pokenav.
    “I don’t think the Pokenav’s work here.” Drew said doubtfully. Dawn’s face fell. Drat! Now she had nothing to delay with!
    “Oh…OK.” She forced a smile.
    “What are you doing? Not trying to avoid getting in bed are you?” Drew asked with a smirk.
    “No!” Dawn blazed.
    “Good. Because in that case I would have had to sleep on the floor if it made you uncomfortable.”
    “You might be on the floor soon.” Dawn mumbled.
    “Come on then.” Drew mocked.
    Dawn hesitated.
    “You know what? I would actaully prefer to sleep on the floor!” Dawn said smiling. Drew smirked victoriously.
    “But I couldn’t possibly let you do that!” he protested mockingly.
    Dawn scowled at him and pulled her blanket onto the floor. She grabbed her pillow and lay down grumbling. Drew sighed and stood. He easily scooped her into his arms and placed her on the bed.
    “Hey! I-”
    “I’ll sleep on the floor.”
    “But Drew-”
    “No buts. Now go to bed, some of us actually have to win tommorrow.”
    Dawn sighed and lay her head back onto Drew’s pillow. In the few seconds he had lay there, the pillow had picked up his scent. It was curt yet floral somehow.
    Eventually Dawn fell asleep because the next thing she new she was opening her eyes. The first thing she saw was impossibly green.
    “Ahiiik!” Dawn’s cry echoed throughout the entire cottage and probably outside as well. Drew woke with a start.
    “What?!” he exclaimed.
    Dawn ignored him as she stood and grabed her pillow. She gave him one big whack on the head before turning and crossing her arms.
    “What?!” Drew asked again.
    “You’re a real retard you know that?” Dawn scowled and then stalked into the bathroom and slammed the door shut leaving a muddled Drew behind.
    ************************************************** ************************************************** ****************
    Sorry it's a little scrunched. If it bugs you, tell me and I'll try my best to fix it! Thanks!
    Last edited by Drew'sBaby; 20th January 2009 at 4:09 PM.
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  2. #2
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    Welcome to the forum, Drew'sbaby.
    Oooh Belleshipping. I must confess, I was expecting Contest but nevertheless I'll read anyway. We don't see many Belleshipping fics here, and I'm quite fond of it too. So this sounds quite fun. I liked the idea a lot, but I think a glance alone, shows it could do with some tweaking. Don't worry, even the best of writers need tweaking and we all make mistakes too. I've been told that 90&#37; of a writer's work is editing and rewriting.

    I think it all looks crunched up and squashed together. Because of that, it looked like it's just lines of waffle. Every time a new person speaks, make a new paragraph; that makes it more tidy (much easier for others to read too). I can still read it pretty well, but not everyone else can. Punctuation seems alright, sorry I can't help more on grammar department there. Another thing I would suggest, although the dialogue sounds cute it looks like it looks like lines of dialogue after another. I think adding a bit more detail outside the dialogue and more description would make this look a lot better. You don't need to go overboard either, less is sometimes more. You could also do a bit more of showing too.

    So onto the story line itself, the plot sounds a bit like a contestshipping fic but instead of May, it's Dawn. That's how I felt when reading it. The little bickering and the teasing is quite funny and cute, that's the huge plus in this chapter. I like your plot idea a lot. I'm a sucker for adventure shippy fics. Love to see how this goes on.

    I hope my review helped.
    Last edited by ChloboShoka; 21st January 2009 at 12:05 AM.


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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    Oooh Belleshipping. I must confess, I was expecting Contest but nevertheless I'll read anyway. I liked the idea a lot, but I think a glance alone, shows it could do with some tweaking. Don't worry, even the best of writers need tweaking and we all make mistakes too. I've been told that 90% of a writer's work is editing and rewriting.
    Lol, yeah. I <3 belleshipping but prefer contestshippping and ikari. This was just a random thought that kinda popped up into a story. I've started my main story which is contestshipping so this will be just a side story.

    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    I think it all looks crunched up and squashed together. Because of that, it looked like it's just lines of waffle. Every time a new person speaks, make a new paragraph; that makes it more tidy (much easier for others to read too). I can still read it pretty well, but not everyone else can.
    Yeah, I was woried about that. My main story is spaced properly, and I will make a point to format this one as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    Another thing I would suggest, although the dialogue sounds cute it looks like it looks like lines of dialogue after another. I think adding a bit more detail outside the dialogue and more description would make this look a lot better. You don't need to go overboard either, less is sometimes more. You could also do a bit more of showing too.
    Thanks, it really helps when reviews add input like that. I'll try to work on it.

    Thanks again!
    -Drew'sBaby Leafeaon

  4. #4

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    hehehe... this is really cute. welcome to the forums. ^^

    i have to agree with C.Gholy here as far as the scrunching. if you just put one extra line between each paragraph, it's a lot easier on the eyes.

    punctuation and grammar: you want to watch out for those nasty little run-on sentances. if a sentance seems like it could survive if it were split, that's probably the best thing to try or could also be properly connected with a conjunction (and, but, or, for, ect...) and a comma.

    i like the way this is turning out. seems to me like you captured the part of Drew that came at the end of his career in the anime department. (*sobs*) and Dawn, well, she's just as shy as ever. ^^

    i'll admit, when i saw the first fic disclaimer at the top, it made me flinch. but you surprised me. i like the description you put in, though a bit more wouldn't hurt. the end just makes me want to read more, so great job. ^^ i'll be keeping a close eye on this.

    Tff
    It's been a long time... But it's so good to be back. <3
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  5. #5
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    For the time being this story is going to be discontinued. I may came back to it at a later time but as of now, I'm closing it. With two other stories, I have quite a bit to juggle! Thanx 4 understanding! and sorry!
    PM list for Jaded Envy
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    Advanceshipping <3 ^^ + Announcement: Spoilers are now up! Link for list is under banner as Jaded Envy Page
        Spoiler:- [tiny]chapter four:


  6. #6
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    Ok, so seeing as you posted three fics here, I guessed I should review them, as I said, you seem to have a lot of energy ^^

    Quote Originally Posted by Drew'sBaby View Post
    (References used: Bulbapedia.)

    Yeah, I did use Bulbapedia for some things to make sure that the pokeworld agreed with everything I write.
    That is very good.
    It's a good thing to try and get your facts right

    Quote Originally Posted by Drew'sBaby View Post
    Drew scowled. Dawn glowered.

    “You don’t have to be such a pushover!” Drew said, flicking his hair out of his eyes.
    “Pushover?!” Dawn exclaimed angrily.
    “Yeah, ever hear the word?” Drew spat.
    “Yes, but the definition doesn’t apply to me as much as it does you!” Dawn snarled.
    “You wish.” Drew smirked egotistically.
    “Why don’t you just skip off to May and leave me alone.”
    “I don’t skip.”
    “Oh right, you strut.”
    “I do not!
    “Sure you don’t!” Dawn smirked.
    “So immature.” Drew rolled his eyes. “Roserade. Come one.”
    "Come on"

    Try spacing the text more.
    Like leaving an empty line between each line of dialogue. It would be more pleasant to look at.
    Then again, if your chapter is nearly all a dialogue, that can be a problem, then we're dealing with more fundamental writing issues...

    Quote Originally Posted by Drew'sBaby View Post
    Suddenly she froze and Drew nearly bumped into her.
    “What?” he asked.
    “The rooms are little cottage-like things.” She said staring at the map.
    “And?” Drew asked, irriated.
    “That means I have to sleep outside!” she groaned.
    “What are you talking about?” Drew snapped in annoyance.
    “I can’t afford to stay at a place like this!” she whined.
    “I still don’t see your point.”
    “I can’t sleep in there if I can’t afford it! We aren’t all Grand Festival winners with tons of money and fans like you!” she snapped.
    “Who said you would be paying for anything? I might be easily irritated by you but I’m not about to make you sleep outside!” Drew scoffed.
    “Oh!” Dawn exclaied in surprise.
    aww, of course ^^
    But very cute how she didn't expect it lol

    Quote Originally Posted by Drew'sBaby View Post
    Eventually Dawn fell asleep because the next thing she new she was opening her eyes. The first thing she saw was impossibly green.
    “Ahiiik!” Dawn’s cry echoed throughout the entire cottage and probably outside as well. Drew woke with a start.
    “What?!” he exclaimed.
    Dawn ignored him as she stood and grabed her pillow. She gave him one big whack on the head before turning and crossing her arms.
    “What?!” Drew asked again.
    “You’re a real retard you know that?” Dawn scowled and then stalked into the bathroom and slammed the door shut leaving a muddled Drew behind.
    haha ^^

    Well, there is some good writing here, no question about it
    Then again, you could maybe add more description and have less dialogue, like for example when Dawn described the resort, you could have used a 3rd person there, saying something along the lines of :

    Dawn read the map concerning Hotel Grand Lake while walking outside. It was one of Sinnoh's most popular resorts. Taking up a large stretch of Route 213 and part of Valor Lakefront, the hotel's rooms are actually small bungalows spread out on terraces along the grounds. [...]
    etc...
    It seems to me that there are just too many lines of dialogue compared to the rest.

    Spelling and grammar are no issue with you, that's good.
    And the list thing on my mind, the events may be unfolding a bit too fast...
    It's already the day before the Grand Festival, and we don't anything that happened with them during their journey.

    Well, I guess I'll take a look at "The Prophecy" and "Jaded Envy" later on

    Bye
    Because of serebiiforums, my Life has been put on hold...

    ...wait, that sounds wrong...
    ...yeah, it's the other way around.

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  7. #7
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    thanx! As I said earlier, I'm closing this post for the time being and everything you have pointed out (the dialogue, the scrunchy lines the descriptions etc.) have been worked on for the other two fanfics. I will eventually re-write this after I finish the other two. Thank you for your input though and I'm glad you like it!

    Of my two other fanfics, Jaded Envy is my priority and probably the most well written. Also, I do have a lot of energy for my age! Everyone is always teasing me about it!


    -Drew’sBaby
    Last edited by Drew'sBaby; 16th April 2009 at 5:47 PM.
    PM list for Jaded Envy
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        Spoiler:- [tiny]chapter four:


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