Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Equilibria: A Prologue [15?]

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Plymouth, UK, Mars.
    Posts
    702

    Default Equilibria: A Prologue [15?]

    Okey-dokey, a little later than planned, but it's here.

    For those of you who don't know me (and that's probably gonna be a fair proportion of the people that read this) the name's JammyU (or Zan or Agent P in the unlikely event that you may know me from another forum). I've been writing fan-fiction for little under a year now and this is my second chaptered fic. My first, Just Another Journey (re-written as The DreamScope Chronicles) has been abandoned due to the fact that writer's block's a b*tch and I thought the ideas I had could be better put to use in this story.

    So, without further ado, I present to you: Equilibria, well, the prologue anyway. It's basically a short (and I mean short) introduction to the region and it's... political state.

    *** ***

    The Cuaro Region. A dramatic place where towering mountains meet peaceful plains, boiling volcanoes meet sapphire lagoons and scorching deserts meet verdant forests. A place left untouched for millennia and unknown to all but the indigenous peoples of the mountain villages and the roaming tribes of the vast plains.

    But as the years of technical advancement in the regions across the sea have continued and the need for energy has swelled, the black gold of the Ouwahlu Desert and the towering trees of the Serpent Forest have drawn in many outsiders: scientists from the dismantled oil-works of Fiorre, miners from the long-spent quarries of Orre, and money-hungry tycoons from the grand cities of Kanto and Sinnoh.

    These people have profited enormously from the land and its bounty, building sprawling cities on the great, flat, plains; pumping the resources for all they’re worth and spreading there poisons like a plague across the once magnificent region.

    This time is proclaimed as a golden age for the once ‘primitive’ land of Cuaro in the rich cities of the plateau. But elsewhere there are those who would rather see the land returned to its natural glory than drained of its energy and left to crumble like a dry husk when the corporate fat-cats finally move on; those who would sympathise with the locals being forced from their homes and even fight for and with them to right the balance in this land of disgustingly rich and poor, even the scales in this region of the appallingly weak and terribly powerful - in short, those who would reclaim their:

    EQUILIBRIA.

    ***

    And for your reading pleasure (I hope), a small excerpt from the main story that I just had to right down when the idea came to me:

    ***

    In a clearing in one of Cuaro’s many small, isolated forests which dotted the southern edge of the great plains, a heated argument was under way.

    <I tell you, they’re a bunch of stuck-up, Grumpig-headed, bast-> fumed Psymon into his wooden cup of Lum Berry juice.

    The brooding Gardevoir sat in the campfire’s glow on a fallen log, the ends were clean cut; a reminder that the cities’ influence was everywhere.

    <Symon, please! There are children present!> protested Orvel’s rasping voice from within the foliage of the tree opposite the psychic.

    The figure on the log lifted his head and stared with red-rimmed eyes at the tree through the flames. His awesome powers of metal detection told him the annoying reptile was perching about half way up; that, and the two green claws gripping a branch just above head-height clearly visible on the edge of the ring of light.

    <What have I told you about pronouncing my name properly?> said Psymon angrily, <There’s a silent “P” and you know it, Orvel.>

    <If it’s silent then how do you know whether I pronounced it or not?> teased the shadow-cloaked tree-dweller.

    <Brainwaves,> came the indignant reply.

    <Brainwaves? What do they have to do with anything?>

    Orvel swung down onto another log opposite the figure, revealing the rest of his body. His claws, now being scrutinised by his large, yellow eyes where the ends of lithe arms with three dark green leaves sprouting from each wrist. A further two leaves extended from the creatures rump and another, longer one flowed languorously from the top of a raptor-esque head. A crimson belly and hind legs as vicious-looking as the front completed the image of an agile, speedy predator known to the experienced pokemon spotter as a Grovyle.

    <Brainwaves, my dear friend,> answered the humanoid pokemon, <have everything to do with everything when you’re a psychic type.>

    He stood up as if to emphasise his point and attempted to jab an accusing finger at his reptilian companion. The effect would, however, have been more successful if he hadn’t stumbled and almost fallen over before managing to gain some semblance of balance.

    <Yes, I suppose they would,> remarked the reptile absent-mindedly, <I’m starting to think that that juice may have been slightly off after all,> he added to himself.

    Part of the reason that Psymon was being a heavily affected by his slightly fermented beverage was that alcohol has the effect of dampening psychic ability, and the Gardevoir had the misfortune of relying on this ability to support himself during most of his locomotion.

    <Unless of course you one of those b*stard Gallades!> he slurred at an unnecessary volume.

    <Psymon! The child!> warned Orvel again.

    <Child? Oh, the primatoid pipsqueak. What do you have to add to our little discussion, Simantha?>

    <Have you ever actually met a Gallade?> asked the small, orange primate, emerging from the fire where she’d been trying to get to sleep.

    <Met one? I’ve fought one in hand-to-hand-combat!> Psymon proclaimed loudly.

    <That was an arm wrestle,> interrupted Orvel.

    <That’s not the point.>

    <And you lost.>

    <How was I supposed to slam his arm onto the table after he sliced it in two with his blasted elbow-swords!>

    <That was a uncontrollable reflex. Gallade automatically extend there arm-blades in response to a threat.>

    <What threat?>

    <Well, I expect the kick in the balls you gave him may have had something to do with it.>

    <Yeah, well…. bugger it, I didn’t think anybody saw that.>

    “Psymon, what’s all this noise?” Ethar strode out from between the surrounding trees, his arms laden with firewood and Lance following just behind.

    “Garde-” Psymon started to explain, but he was suddenly cut of by Lance leaping from his trainer’s side. He swiped at the Gardevoir’s hand with his ever-present bone club, knocking the juice, cup and all, into the fire. The flames turned visibly green-hued as the liquid vaporised.

    “Orvel, I told you to throw those berries away!” shouted the pokemon’s frustrated trainer, “the Shuckle shell Hermes found them in had been abandoned for months!"

    *** ***


    So yeah, your views, pointers and opinons if you would be so kind, oh fic-savvy Serebiiers.

    Oh, and what should I put as the age rating?
    Last edited by Inconspicuosaurus; 4th February 2009 at 10:48 AM.
        Spoiler:- Friend Safari Information:
    Palaeontologist and proud.
    Soon to become Inconspicuosaurus.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    not quite anywhere
    Posts
    23

    Default

    Well, frankly, I enjoyed it and, if my bathetic and arbitrary whims don’t keep me, I’ll definitely take a stab at reading this when it actually comes out.

    The first part, the introduction the region of Cuaro, was, like you said, a bit small but that’s irrelevant. I always find social politic entering fan fiction rather entertaining; though not always particularly enjoyable however in this case it is so. While there isn’t much to go on I feel that I want to know more about the exploitation of this region. I do have to say that it is a mite bit bland because there is just a lack of content but that it is due to the size rather than anything else. Lastly, relative to the first part, I must say I enjoyed the references to vague objects and places and the very names themselves. The Black gold of Ouwahlu Desert? I chuckled at the desert name.

    The second part, the banter, between Psymon (how exactly is that pronounced, is it like Simon?) and Orvel, is why I will want to read this. If they aren’t major characters then they will have at least contributed in piquing my interest. The description of both what they are and what they are doing is well-written, my favorite being:

    Quote Originally Posted by JammyU
    His claws, now being scrutinised by his large, yellow eyes where the ends of lithe arms with three dark green leaves sprouting from each wrist. A further two leaves extended from the creatures rump and another, longer one flowed languorously from the top of a raptor-esque head. A crimson belly and hind legs as vicious-looking as the front completed the image of an agile, speedy predator . . .
    All in all, it’s interesting to say the least and it doesn’t give me a migraine upon reading. There were a few spelling errors: the switching of ‘s’ and ‘z’ in the words sympathize and scrutinized but they did not detract from reading.

    france gall

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    3,585

    Default

    ^Jammy's an Englishman :p

    Heh, I honestly thought it was going to be a prequel to Dreamscope when you announced it...4-5 months ago (or something). Turns out I was wrong D:

    “Garde-” Psymon started to explain, but he was suddenly cut of by Lance leaping from his trainer’s side. He swiped at the Gardevoir’s hand with his ever-present bone club, knocking the juice, cup and all, into the fire. The flames turned visibly green-hued as the liquid vaporised.
    You should describe Lance (and probably Ethar as well), since this excerpt (from the beginning) is not narrated or told in the point of view of anyone in particular.

    The Cuaro Region. A dramatic place where towering mountains meet peaceful plains, boiling volcanoes meet sapphire lagoons and scorching deserts meet verdant forests. A place left untouched for millennia and unknown to all but the indigenous peoples of the mountain villages and the roaming tribes of the vast plains.

    But as the years of technical advancement in the regions across the sea have continued and the need for energy has swelled, the black gold of the Ouwahlu Desert and the towering trees of the Serpent Forest have drawn in many outsiders: scientists from the dismantled oil-works of Fiorre, miners from the long-spent quarries of Orre, and money-hungry tycoons from the grand cities of Kanto and Sinnoh.
    Sounds like Australia :p

    Some good ol' JammyU humour in the excerpt, that was quite entertaining. Fics that get too serious deter me from updating with a post on the thread. D: Alcoholic Gardevoirs? I'm game :D

    And you can keep the 15+ rating, but from the excerpt, it seems more like 13+ (for it makes all the difference).



  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Plymouth, UK, Mars.
    Posts
    702

    Default

    Thanks for your comments guys.

    Loliboose: I'm glad you enjoyed it. The politics will be kept sensibly uncomplicated and the region will be fully explained as the story progresses. I'm actually thinking of scanning in the map that I've drawn, but that may make me a little lazy with my geographical descriptions, so I think I'll wait for now. And don't worry, Ethar and his team will come into it soon enough.

    Yonowaru: Indeed, I am British, and as such I'm afraid I'll have to spell things the right way for the duration of Equilibria. XD
    No no, this story has nothing to do with The DSC, although I have stolen the name that was planned for the third book and alot of the plot ideas which had been floating around in my head for some time.
    In regards to a description of Ethar and Lance (and Hermes), you'll have to wait. They are not described in the excerpt as they will, if all goes to plan, have been introduced already. Orvel is the only one who won't have and so he gets his own proper intro.

    In regards to names and their pronunciation, here is a brief guide for the time-being:
        Spoiler:- Pronunciation:
        Spoiler:- Friend Safari Information:
    Palaeontologist and proud.
    Soon to become Inconspicuosaurus.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    3,585

    Default

    Just in case you were looking towards a more traditional pronunciation, Hermes is prounounced 'Her-mey' (it's a French name).

    Yonowaru: Indeed, I am British, and as such I'm afraid I'll have to spell things the right way for the duration of Equilibria. XD
    Good on you. Resist the Americans!

    No no, this story has nothing to do with The DSC, although I have stolen the name that was planned for the third book and alot of the plot ideas which had been floating around in my head for some time.
    So Dreamscope's not getting any prequels or sequels in the near/far future? Daw, that sucks.

    In regards to a description of Ethar and Lance (and Hermes), you'll have to wait. They are not described in the excerpt as they will, if all goes to plan, have been introduced already. Orvel is the only one who won't have and so he gets his own proper intro.
    I still don't know who Hermes is (not that I should or anything... >.>), so yeah. Whatever you say, chief ^^



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    The internet is my tree.
    Posts
    1,211

    Default

    You know, I was only planning on skimming this preview because I never usually bother to read them, but then you go and put a Grovyle in it. How could I resist, dammit?

    I have to say, Orvel is looking to have an awesome personality from what we see of him here, as does Psymon. I really liked the "silent P" gag - very amusing and also quite clever. The region sounds interesting too. The one thing I'll say crit-wise is that Orvel's description is rather too listy, considering you're pausing in the middle of a conversation to describe him.

    So, I'm interested. I may well read this when it's out and I eventually get fully back into fanfiction-mode (which unfortunately won't be for a while). I've always been vaguely aware that your writing is quite amusing and worth a read, so I guess this'll be me finally getting around to reading something of yours.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Plymouth, UK, Mars.
    Posts
    702

    Default

    Ah-ha! Hooked at last.

    I'm glad you like Orvel, it took me a while to come up with that name because you took all the good ones XD (it's a combination of Ornithomimus and Velociraptor BTW if you were wondering).

    Yeah, I'll flesh out all the characters more as I write the actual story. I'm concentrating on that more this time because I think a lack of intrest in my own characters was what led to my ideas for JAJ running dry.

    So I have a reputation? Let's hope I can live up to it.
        Spoiler:- Friend Safari Information:
    Palaeontologist and proud.
    Soon to become Inconspicuosaurus.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    The Island
    Posts
    1,231

    Default

    It's a great story, but I'm really sad about what happened to my favorite fan-fic on Serebii.
    This may not be as great as The DSC, but I look forward to reading more about it.


    Join Hachiko's PokeKingdom today!

    *Credit to Lucina Archaelis of Subspace Generate Graphics for banner

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •