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Thread: Love is a Loss: Hoennshipping

  1. #1
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    Default Love is a Loss: Hoennshipping

    Hey, I thought I'd redo this...Sorry if the prolouge was too short for those of you who read it. But, I'll write the first chapter and make it longer. It'll make more sense too. This story is mainly going to be told in May's point of view, so I'll write which POV it's in in case I change. It's still probably rated around PG, possibly PG-13, I don't know yet. Here's the summary once more if you haven't read the last one:

    Summary:
    May had everything. The perfect boyfriend, loyal friends, life was great. But, what happens when she meets an old childhood friend? Will his bitter past drastically change May herself?

    Chapter 1

    May's POV

    "C'mon May! We're gonna be late!" Dawn called.

    "I'm coming!" I yelled back.
    '
    I looked hurriedly in the mirror, adjusting every little detail. My red shirt fit perfectly to my curves, the black collar covered my collar bone. My black shorts were skin-tight, yet comfortable. I grabbed my green bandanna and tied it around my head, the pokeball logo in front. I ran to the downstairs to get my shoes on.

    "Geez, May, you take forever! Plus, we have to meet Kenny and Drew there! We are so late, and their gonna be so ticked." Dawn towered over me. She had a red and white dress that seemed to fit a more winter-y scene. She would say, 'I get cold often...' Then trail off. The top of her navy blue head was covered with her signature pink and white hat, she had even changed her original golden barrettes for pink ones. A different white scarf was wrapped around her neck. Her boots were also the same high, pink ones.

    I held my hands up in defense. "Hey, I like to spend time on stuff like this. I need to know what Pokemon I'm gonna use, what outfit--"

    She held her hand up to stop me mid-sentence. "Yeah, I get it. I forgive you, I do that all the time."

    I sighed in relief. Dawn, including all my friends, somehow found a way to forgive me for whatever I did. I grabbed Dawn's arm. "Let's go!

    In Hearthome...

    "Wow! They really did do some improvements on this place!" Dawn and I stared in awe at the newly built contest hall. The city was still bustling with people. There were department stores, cafes, and other types of buildings everywhere, also filled with people. To top it off, the scenery just blew you away with the pretty green trees and beautiful, wide-open parks. But the hall had caught everyone's eye. They had redecorated the contest hall in a rainbow of colors and was much, much bigger than last time.

    "You guys are late." We turned around to see both Kenny and Drew. Kenny wore the same outfit as usual; regular green shirt, a pair of gray jeans and some green and white tennies. He still had the same reddish-brown, messy hair. Drew was the same as well. Still the same old black shirt and purple jacket, green pants and black shoes. His hair was still a shiny green.

    "Sorry, 'Mr. I-Love-Being-On-Time', we were busy." Dawn retorted.

    "C'mon, Kenny. Just forgive them for once, they must have a reason." Drew said. Drew...Yeah, he's my boyfriend. We confessed a while ago, and he's so much nicer now. Dawn and Kenny are unsure of themselves, though. That's why they fight so much.

    "Fine..."

    The four of us walked inside to the reception counter to find Ash and Misty greeting us. Ash still had his cap, vest, jeans, and black shirt that he usually wore. Though Misty decided to wear a white t-shirt, light blue shorts, and...Wait, a pink jacket? That's new.

    "Hi guys!" They said cheerfully.

    "Hey!" I replied back.

    "So...Are you excited about this one?"

    Dawn jumped up, "Of course! I love all contests!"

    "You're too hyper, Dee-Dee." Dawn glared at him. He still wouldn't stop using that stupid nickname, 'Dee-Dee'. I ignored the bickering and walked in line. Altough, I accidentally bumped into someone...

    I got up nervously, trying to help the stranger up. "I-I'm so sorry! Are you ok--" Then I saw him. He had white hair and a green band around his head. He wore a short sleeved red and black shirt while a green backpack slung around his shoulder. He also sported black pants and a pair of red and black shoes. Brendan.

    "B-B-B-" I couldn't manage to get it out. He continued for me instead as he got up. Brendan handed me my dropped ribbon case.

    "Brendan. Brendan Birch. Nice to see you again, May." I stared amazed. My childhood friend, who had disappeared when we were 12, is back. I couldn't believe it.

    "Oh my gosh! What are you doing here!" I was so happy. This added so much to my already great life. Brendan could always light up things. I missed that a lot.

    He quirked his eyebrow. "Uh...I'm here to watch. I was around town, thought I'd come and see." He replied with a bored expression.

    This was odd. He was usually so down-to-earth and fun. Now he seemed very...very...different. Although he had only said about two things, his whole aura seemed very dark. Brendan didn't seem to care about what was happening right now. I could tell he was here for a different reason. I just wouldn't mention it.

    "Oh, well, I hope you have fun watching! You like anybody specific here?" I thought I'd change the subject just to get what I just thought out of my mind.

    "Well, no one really--" He stopped, staring behind me. "Oh, um, I guess I'll go." And he walked away.

    "Hey Bre--" Someone put their hand on my shoulder. I whipped around and found Drew with a serious look.

    "Who was that?" His eyes were cold and hard, but with a worried and nervous expression.

    "Oh, that was just Brendan. I've known him since I was a little kid. We were just talking..." He removed his hand and looked to his left.

    "Just...Just don't scare me like that. That guy seemed really sinister, I was afraid he'd do something..." Jealousy. I could tell. Drew was a bit overprotective, but I liked that about him.

    I gave him a reassuring, warm smile. "Don't worry. Brendan is a great person. He wouldn't harm a fly."

    Drew looked at me again, still slightly tense. "Well, if you say so..." I took his hand and lead him to the reception desk. He knew what I meant by that. 'Don't worry. You do that too much' was what I would say, but I got too used to giving him hints for it. After entering, we left backstage.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    I think that made much more sense than the last one. I think it was better too. So, if you really like it, I'll definately write more. The chapters may get gradually longer. Um, please reply and give me your opinion!
    Last edited by xXBlackRoseXx; 10th February 2009 at 2:50 AM.

  2. #2
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    You asked for a reply, so I shall. =3

    Again I repeat from before, a dark, mysterious Brendan makes me feel all giddy inside. ;D His mysterious nature is intriguing, so I'll probably be hanging around to read this. May's reaction to seeing her old childhood friend was done pretty well also.

    Humm ... Some tips.

    Description is something you do need to work on. Besides Brendan, you didn't describe what any of the characters looked like nor what Hearthrome actually looks like. While you don't need to get super detailed, it would be nice for the reader to be able to picture it as they're reading instead of them having to remember what these characters or places look like themselves. Setting is important because it can make the mood surrounding the characters either lighthearted or sinister.

    In short, describe what Hearthrome looked like and the contest hall looked like. You mentioned that it was colorful and bigger. Perhaps you could extend upon this.

    Describing what a character looks like in first person is particularly tricky because it can really stick out and is somewhat unnatural since people never list what they're wearing inside their head in real life. So you want to have some way of describing these character via some sort of action or self evaluation from the character's POV. Your description of Brendan was a pretty good description of Brendan and didn't stick out in your story since May was evaluating his appearance.

    Example:As Dawn kept bugging me to hurry up, I quickly checked my appearance in the mirror. A red shirt clung tightly to my curves ...

    and so on with May's appearance. The way you did Brendan's appearance will probably fit the other characters (Dawn, Drew, and so forth).

    Plotwise is interesting, but you need to extend upon your ideas via description. In return, the description will make the scene more interesting and can portray your character's emotions without them literally saying "I'm happy" or "I'm sad" or whatever.

  3. #3
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    Ah, thank you! That really helps! ^-^ I'll either edit my first chapter, or do a better job with the second. I can see what you mean after I read it. I need to proof read more often. ^-^''

  4. #4
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    Okay...I edited the first chapter. I guess it has more detail than the first one, well, I think. It's better though.

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