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Thread: Kowen Path

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    Hello... Yes, welcome to my second fan fic. This is also my first fanfic from first person, my first trainer fan fic, my first fan fic with... Well, lot's of stuff!
    Oh, don't worry, Tali's Aventure readers, I haven't given up on it!
    ...I'm simply taking a break while I work on it's plotline a bit more.

    Anyway, now that that's done... Welcome to Kowen Path! Yes, this is a trainer fakemon fic. Comments and constructive critism is very helpful. Notice I say CONSTRUCTIVE. That means, don't say it sucks, say WHY it sucks... if you think it sucks :P

    Well then, I'm probably boring you out of your mind. You came here to read a fan fic, not random babbling, right? This is a PG to PG-13 rated fan fic, but the rating might be raised a bit here and there... Nothing major.

    One final note. Each Chapter will end with pictures of the Fakemon in the chapter, so tell me how good my description was. Sorry if the quality of the pictures is a bit off. Now, without further ado, onto the story!






    Kowen Path

    Chapter one: My Dawning

    Hi. This is the story of my journey as a Pokemon trainer. My name is... well, come to think of it, you don't really need to know that. Anyway, I'm guessing your probably bored out of your mind by now. Well, you don't need to whine, the story's about to start. It all started, as most trainer's journey's do, on the morn of a birthday...
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    "Murg... Must... get... out... of... bed..." I murmured as I struggled to rise from my tangle of covers that was, apparently, supposed to be a bed. Eventually, after a long battle with the depths of the beast, I managed to get up and stagger towards the door. I walked/fell through it, and continued my slow march down the stairs. I slowly walked to the cupboard and pulled out a bowl of cereal. Blearily, I spotted another life form - my mom. She knew better than to interrupt me when I was in this state, so I walked to the table and pored myself a heaping bowl of Pika Flakes, and proceeded to chow down, my missing brain coming back to me, piece by piece, as I ate. I remembered that, after eating, I must get washed up. Another thought bobbed my mind's surface, just out of reach. I walked back up the steps and to the bathroom, quickly brushing my teeth, washing my face, and doing up my hair. Then I stuck in my lucky hair clip. I slowly turned to the bathroom door, trailing after that lone thought... then, suddenly, I caught it, my eyes opening, wide awake. "Wait... I become a trainer today!" I yelled, bursting through the door and rocketing down the steps, skidding to a halt before my mom, and started talking rapidly; "Mom, why didn't you- and, and- trainer, Pokemon, backpack!" Somehow my mom managed to decipher my mangled sentence, patting me gently on the shoulders.

    "Was wondering when you where going to figure it out!" my mom started, chuckling; "Your bag is right here, and your Pokemon ticket is right there." She continued, pointing in turn to a compact backpack with about a thousand pockets - or, at least, too many for the bag. Two straps hung from the bottom of the bag, each with pockets for even more stuff; then a small ticket with three small silhouettes and a pokeball design on the table. I numbly nodded, picking up the two items, tossing the bag across my back and sticking the ticket in one of the thousand pockets, then rushing towards the door, pausing quickly to turn and wave to my mom before running outside. Once I was out, I glanced around, quickly taking in the scenery - many tall, boring, monochromatic buildings - before running towards the center of town, glancing around as I ran, commenting on the buildings in my mind as I ran; 'That's the school over there... Hmm, I remember all those bullies I stole lunch money from... I wonder if I'll ever see them again, since they moved... who cares. Oh, and that's the park where we went on a field trip in Pokemon class for the How To Catch unit... setting that angry Grovyle on the teacher was fun. Oh, and that's the skyscraper where... wait, I don't remember that skyscraper!' I quickly stopped and stared up at the tremendous building that was mostly comprised of a wooden building structure. Then I got bored, and continued walking towards my destination, the Kowen region's very own Pokemon lab.

    * * *

    By the time I got to the lab, I was bored out of my mind. I quickly walked into the lab, looking around for the professor... no such luck. I quickly strode up to one of the lab assistants and asked politely where the professor was; "Hey, where the heck is Prof. Willow?! I need my first Pokemon!" the assistant numbly pointed towards a tri-colored door - Red, blue, and green - and I ran up to it. A slot in the door displayed a familiar pattern above it - the same one as the one on the ticket. I quickly dug into my bag and pulled out the ticket, sticking it into the slot. The door quickly popped open, and I walked in. Inside was a nice, comforting room, with a couple trees here and there - mostly bamboo - a patterned wallpaper - red - and one of those aromatic waterfalls in the corner of the room. A rather spindly man stood in the center of the room, fiddling with three red-and-white orbs on the table. I cleared my throat as I approached him. He quickly spun around and saw me standing there, rather bored with the whole affair already.

    "Oh... hey there. Glad you came to get your first Pokemon, Lustre!" He called, not actually looking that happy. Oh, by the way, Lustre isn't my real name. It's just... Bad things are known to happen to those who call me by my real name. The nickname came around when someone spotted the shine my lucky hair clip made, and decided to call me that. It's not that bad, but it tends to give people the wrong impression of me. Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes, the professor; He continued to talk "Sorry to tell you, but you came late, and there's only one Pokemon lef- uh..." He broke off, as I fixed one of my signature 'Iron Stares' on him.

    "Sure. And your name is Professor Broken. Now, where are the starters?" I asked him, glancing around. He pointed over to the table with the three 'Pokeballs' on it. He quickly strode over, pressing a button on the underside of the table, causing small mechanisms on the bottom of the the pokeballs to disengage, leaving the pokeballs standing there, glinting softly in the light from the skylight. He picked one up and began to talk... again.

    "As you probably already know, these are pokeballs, and, inside are Pokemon. In this case, the three starting pokemon in Kowen are Wisorb, Cinding, and Leahand." He then put down the pokeball, turning and rummaging around in a closet behind him for a moment, then straightened up, holding a small white device in his hand. "Also, as you probably know, this is a pokedex. It stores info on most pokemon. However, some things about pokemon are not known, and, as you travel, the pokedex will record data from your encounters to create ever more accurate and helpful data to help you. Now, to explain it's workings in detail." He continued, ranting on about the pokedex like it was the most innovative thing since sliced bread. Without his help, I could easily see that it was compact enough to fit in your pocket, and a rounded rectangular prism shape. Then he started talking again: "Anyway, you can see the front is covered by the cover at the moment. You can also see that there are three holes in it, two near the bottom and one in the middle. But, before we get into that, let's look at the back. There are three cameras, two near the bottom, and one in the middle. Most previous models had only one camera, but it was decided that three cameras would, since it provides multiple angles, made it easier to study the anatomy of a pokemon. Now, under this cover..." He continued, flipping the cover from the front to the back, illustrating the point that the holes in the cover lined up with the cameras on the back. "You have two screens. The left is for displaying images, such as the target pokemon, and the right is for displaying text, such as information on the target pokemon. Near the bottom are these two buttons that you could see through the bottom holes in the cover. They serve many purposes, but the best way to describe them is the left one is the 'yes' button, and the right one is the 'no' or 'cancel' button. Also, there are two dials beside the screens which are used for navigating and scrolling through options and information on the screens, though the screens are mostly operated by touch. Now, what color pokedex do you want?" He finished, gesturing towards the cupboard. I quickly walked up and began searching the contents of the drawer. Inside were pokedex of every color of the rainbow, and more. I quickly choose a Black one with Gold and White Colored buttons and dials, then turned back to the professor.

    "I like this one. It's... cool." I said as I turned over the device in my hands. "Now, how do I get it to work?" The professor picked up his white example pokedex, and pointed to the buttons through the holes in the cover.

    "You start by putting your fingers on those. Most pokedex open when one presses these buttons... but, first, the pokedex must run a thumb scan." He answered. I quickly pressed down on the buttons, and there was a small flicker of lime green light, before the cover popped open and around, locking onto the back with a 'click'. The pokedex's screens lit up the same color of green, seemingly waiting for something. I quickly turned questionably to Prof. Willow. "Now you place the rest of your fingers, one by one, on the screens" After a relatively boring session of scanning, the pokedex booted up, and a form popped up on the screen. I quickly filled the blanks in with my personal info - address and stuff like that - Until I came to name. I hesitated for a moment, then glanced at the blank below it, then relaxed. It was Preferred Name. I quickly filled in my real name and Lustre. I quickly finished... then something I didn't expect happened.

    "Hello, mistress Lustre." I glanced around, looking for the source of the voice. "Erm... Mistress Lustre, right here." Suddenly I realized that the voice was coming from... the pokedex? I looked down, and there, on the text screen, it had every single word I had just heard, and, on the image screen was... well... uh... A somewhat rodent-like blue face, with two crystal-like, diamond-shaped 'ears'. I stared rather blankly at it for a while before it's mouth started moving "Yes, right here! Nice to meet you, Mistress Lustre." It said happily. I looked up at Prof. Willow, wondering what the heck was going on. He had quite a bemused look on his face.

    "Oh, that's something you probably don't know. Don't worry, that's the reaction most new trainers have when they discover that the pokedex have artificial intelligence installed. It was decided that the pokedex having intelligence would help it to guide and help the trainer. Of course, there where a few side effects, but... that doesn't really matter" He explained, waving off the subject with his hand. I turned back to the pokedex.

    "So, what am I supposed to call you? Pokedex seems a little lame..." I asked 'it', turning back to my pokedex.

    "That is entirely your decision, Mistress" It started, then it yawned and a dark blue paw reached into the screen and scratched behind it's 'ear' "But, whatever you decide, please do it quickly." It finished, opening it's large yellow eyes. 'You know, I like this thing's attitude. Hmm... let's see... Butler? No, sounds too mysterious. Dexter? Okay, that's just lame. Scratch? No, sounds a bit... patched. Shiny? No, that's too plain... Wait, that's it!'.

    "Would Chrome work?" I asked it, looking at the little critter again.

    "Well, it sounds lovely. Now what, Mistress?" 'Chrome' answered, looking around. I turned back to the Prof., all but asking him the same.

    "Well, now you choose your pokemon." He answered, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You simply point the pokedex at the pokeball you need to check, and press the 'Yes' button." I quickly did that, pointing Chrome at the first pokeball.

    "That's Leahand, the Mini Leaf pokemon." Chrome started, shrinking to a small Icon in the corner of the image screen as the image screen displayed a small, almost human like lime green pokemon, with dark green hands and feet, and leaves growing from it's head like hair, and with a small leaf tail laying on the ground behind it. "It's a grass type, and pulls leaves from it's head, wielding it like a knife. He's rather powerful, both at physical and energy-based attacks." After hearing Chrome's description, I quickly pointed him to the next pokeball. The image was replaced with a small, slightly plump yellow bird with red wings, head and tail feathers, and beak. "Now then, that's Cinding, the Flare pokemon. He's a fire type bird which, although it has wings, is flightless. However, it is rather smart, and often flaps it's wings as it runs to build up speed. He's good at energy based offence and defence." Once again, I turned to the final pokeball. The image was yet again replaced with a pokemon. This one was feline, light blue all over, save the insides of it's legs, which were a dark blue. A large, luminescent blue orb tipped it's tail. Fog slowly pored from the dark blue areas and the tail orb. "And, finally, Wisorb, the wisp pokemon. It's a water type. As you've seen, it produces fog. Also, the tail orb has been known to mysteriously glow. It's a rather speedy pokemon with decent physical strength.

    "Hmm... hard choice." I mumbled as Chrome brought all three up onto the screen. "And the only bad trait among them is they're all cute... I hate cute." I looked over them again, reading their data. "I think I'll go with Cinding. It says he's smart, and that means he can understand instructions, and probably think on the fly" I decided as Chrome chuckled over the use of the word 'fly' about a flightless bird.

    "Good choice." Prof. Willow responded, handing me the pokeball, which I quickly clipped to the waist of my pants.

    "See Ya, Willow!" I called back as I walked out the door... I think I might of heard 'Good Riddance' as I walked out, but it might of been my imagination. Once I was outside in the open, I called out my new pokemon, which appeared in a flash of white energy. He looked just like the picture but... more... alive, I suppose. Anyway, he looked around for a while, then started talking;

    "Cincing? Cin?" He asked, seemingly oblivious to the fact I couldn't understand a word he said. I stared blankly back.

    "Oh, forgot to boot up the translation program!" Chrome exclaimed, tumbling over himself as he scrambled around the screen. Then a clicking noise rang out, and Cinding made sense... kinda.

    "Hi? Are you my new trainer?" It asked, looking up at me.

    "Um... ya, that's me!" I exclaimed, looking back down at him. 'Maybe cute isn't that bad... I suppose'

    "Yay! I got a trainer!" He exclaimed, dancing around. 'Oh, no. Please tell me he isn't crazy, please!' I pleaded mentally. "Well? What's your name? Well? Well?" He continued.

    "Well... You can just call me Lustre, it's what most people call me." I answered.

    "Lustre" He said, trying it out. "That's a pretty name!" He exclaimed, smiling up at me. I found myself somehow smiling back.

    "I just thought of something!" I exclaimed. "Chrome, why don't I introduce you and Hyper here to my mom?"

    "Whatever pleases you, mistress." Chrome answered.

    "Oh! We get to meet Lustre's mom!" Cinding exclaimed happily.

    "Now, I better recall you on the way there. Don't want to make my newest pokemon exhausted before we even have our first battle!" I exclaimed, holding up the pokeball, as a red beam shot out of it, pulling Cinding back into the small sphere. Then I began the long walk home... oh, let's cut to the chase.

    * * *

    I eventually arrived home, walking inside. "Hey, mom. I'm home!" I called, walking into the living room.My mom was there, waiting on the sofa.

    "So, you got your first pokemon?" My mom asked, smiling.

    "Yes. I did. It's rather... smart." I answered, resisting using the 'Cu word'. A long silence ensued.

    "Well? Let's see it!" Mom exclaimed, breaking the quiet. I blanched.

    "Mom! Inside?" I asked, surprised. Mom chuckled.

    "The starters are all rather small, right?"

    "I suppose..."

    "Then let's see!"

    "Fine." I finished, giving in. I tossed Cinding's pokeball up in the air, and it burst open, unleashing the white flash, then Cinding materialised.

    "Aww!" My mom exclaimed, picking up Cinding and starting to stroke his feathers. "It's so soft... Didn't expect you to chose Cinding! Have you given it a nickname yet?" She asked, looking back up at me.

    "Nick... oh, no. But, I would like you to meet Chrome." I continued, holding out my pokedex and flipping it open.

    "Hello Madam. Pleased to meet you." Chrome said, bowing.

    "Ya, he does that. He keeps calling me 'Mistress'." I explained, looking away.

    "No, I find it quite sweet! The pleasure is mine, Monsieur Chrome." Mom answered, doing a quick curtsy. I rolled my eyes at the exchange.

    "Uh, mom, about nicknames?" I asked, turning back to Cinding.

    "Ah yes, nicknames. Well, actually, I'll leave it to you to come up with a nickname. It is your pokemon, after all." She explained.

    "Well, I think I'll name him Tote." I decided. "Because he's smart, like those people who build Totem Poles to channel energy..." I began, before being cut off by mom.

    "Sealics, dear." answering my unspoken question.

    "Ya, Sealics. He's smart like Sealics, who build Totem poles, but... he's not 'all there', If you get my drift." I finished, turning towards Cinding. "Does Tote sound good to you?" I asked.

    "Tote's a nice name. Tote! Tote! My name's Tote!" 'Tote' Exclaimed, running around the room.

    "Okay, we get it! You like it." I exclaimed, quickly recalling him. "So, mom... I guess I'm off now." I said, starting to walk towards the door.

    "Wait! Don't forget your Poketch!" She exclaimed, placing a small black watch into my hand. I remember learning that, apparently, Poketchs used to only be a source of entertainment. Well, these days, they have much more practical programs, such as a map. Also, more programs can be downloaded through a port in the side of the Poketch. I hastily strapped it on.

    "Thanks mom, see ya!" I called back as I opened the door and ran off through the town. I quickly checked my watch for my destination - apartently the main route out of town for trainers was the east exit, towards Route K-1. Well, I'm pretty sure I can handle it. After all, who can't stand up to me - I mean, who can't stand up to me and Tote... oh, and Chrome too.




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    And that's the first chapter! Thank god they leave town in the next... I HATE Writing about being in cities.

    Anyway, the fakemon in this chapter (In Pokedex order):

    Leahand:
    http://i460.photobucket.com/albums/q.../Leahand-1.png

    Cinding:
    http://i460.photobucket.com/albums/q.../Cinding-1.png

    Wisorb:
    http://i460.photobucket.com/albums/q...bcolored-1.png



    See Ya Later!
    "Open your mouth too wide, and your ears close."

    Do you wish you could do things like in the anime?
    Do you wish you could dodge behind a rock to avoid an attack?
    Do you wish that you could use the arena to stop your opponents cold?
    If you answered yes to any of those questions, the Pokemon Anime Style Battling League could be for you!

  2. #2
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    Okay! First the *groan* criticism part: remember, capitalise the word "Pokemon"...

    And in some sentences:
    "Um... ya, that's me!" I exclaimed, looking back down at him. 'Maybe cute isn't that bad... I suppose.'
    Please remember to put punctuations where they're needed.

    On the good side, you've managed to do something that I've been failing to do--write a trainer fic! Lustre's story interests me and Chrome...well...let's just said that someone's been learning French words lately
    sweet_piplup123

    Surfing through the waves, diving deep into the sea,
    playing along the beach, having fun all day long.

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    that was long good
    [adoptable]1180737[/adoptable]

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by sweet piplup123
    Okay! First the *groan* criticism part: remember, capitalise the word "Pokemon"...
    That's personal choice, actually. Depending on your school of thought, people either capitalize "Pokemon" and pokemon names (i.e. Pikachu, Turtwig, Alakazam) since it's trademark. Likewise, some people may choose not to capitalize "pokemon" and pokemon names (pikachu, turtwig, alakazam) outside of proper nouns since you wouldn't necessarily capitalize animal names (mouse, turtle, so on). Though, if you choose to capitalize pokemon names like I noticed, you probably would want to capitalize Pokemon to keep with trademark.

    I digress. Anyway.

    I slowly turned to the bathroom door, trailing after that lone thought... then, suddenly, I caught it, my eyes opening, wide awake. "Wait... I become a trainer today!"
    I find it kind of odd that your narrator is just now realizing that she was a trainer today since it seems like most trainers would be anticipating this day for weeks, if not months. Oh yeah, and apparently it's her birthday (according to the ... odd, bold prologue/summary thing you got going on before the story) so ... what's going on with that?

    Inside was a nice, comforting room, with a couple trees here and there - mostly bamboo - a patterned wallpaper - red - and one of those aromatic waterfalls in the corner of the room.
    While there's nothing wrong with using em dashes (the - ... -), be aware that it does break from thought and flow, especially in such high dosage like that. And in reality, there really is no point in off setting description like that anyway. I recommend you use em dashes sparingly and choose a softer way (commas, for example) to set off information to keep your flow.

    Ex) Inside was a nice, comforting room, with a couple bamboo trees here and there, a red patterned wallpaper, and one of those aromatic waterfalls in the corner of the room.

    What I immediately notice were your huge blocks of text. And not necessarily important ones either. Huge text dumps usually also indicate information dumps which is a pretty tedious read.

    Then he started talking again: "Anyway, you can see the front is covered by the cover at the moment. You can also see that there are three holes in it, two near the bottom and one in the middle. But, before we get into that, let's look at the back. There are three cameras, two near the bottom, and one in the middle. Most previous models had only one camera, but it was decided that three cameras would, since it provides multiple angles, made it easier to study the anatomy of a pokemon. Now, under this cover..." He continued, flipping the cover from the front to the back, illustrating the point that the holes in the cover lined up with the cameras on the back. "You have two screens. The left is for displaying images, such as the target pokemon, and the right is for displaying text, such as information on the target pokemon. Near the bottom are these two buttons that you could see through the bottom holes in the cover. They serve many purposes, but the best way to describe them is the left one is the 'yes' button, and the right one is the 'no' or 'cancel' button. Also, there are two dials beside the screens which are used for navigating and scrolling through options and information on the screens, though the screens are mostly operated by touch. Now, what color pokedex do you want?"
    Heh, no one cares, and it's such a tiring paragraph to get through that you may be turning readers off with it. Is it that important for the reader to know exactly how a pokedex works? Personally, I think you could have ended that entire paragraph with the
    He continued, ranting on about the pokedex like it was the most innovative thing since sliced bread.
    line since it depicts the professor rambling about the unimportant details of the pokedex, and then had some line that snaps the narrator (and reader) back into the story when Lustre needs to pick a pokedex.

    I'm going to focus back on the "info dump" I mentioned earlier because it seems like you're rushing this scene and trying to hide it in said info dump. Take your time and describe a bit more, the emotions running through Lustre's head, her actions, and so on.

    Your characters' personalities aren't too bad, though Lustre is somewhat annoying, and not in the personality sense. Rude in an unrealistic, irking sense, I should say.
    "Sorry to tell you, but you came late, and there's only one Pokemon lef- uh..." He broke off, as I fixed one of my signature 'Iron Stares' on him.

    "Sure. And your name is Professor Broken. Now, where are the starters?"
    I'm not sure if a professor, or any adult for that matter, would take kindly to some kid interrupting him like that, and then proceeding to insult him and demand where the pokemon are. Common sense wise, if you're trying to get something you want from someone, you're more likely to get it if you're polite rather than barking orders and acting rude.

    In terms of grammar, nothing glaringly obvious but still have been repeated too many times for me to not say something.

    I think I might of heard
    A common mistake, since words like might've, should've, could've, when said out loud, sound like could OF, and so on, but this is incorrect. Might've = might have, should've = should have, and could've = could have.

    Same goes with your mix up between "its" and "it's". It's = it is. Its = the neutral form of his or her (i.e its fur, its blanket) in a simple sense. As in "belonging to it" really.

    Like sweet piplup said, you're not thoroughly proofreading (or perhaps you don't know) and missing punctuation, specifically in dialogue:
    "... Of course, there where a few side effects, but... that doesn't really matter[,]" he explained, waving off the subject with his hand.
    Needs a comma, not a period that you keep mixing up with. Punctuation within dialogue is so complex that you eventually learn with practice, but I'll try to explain.

    There are things called "speech tags" after dialogue such as "he said", "she exclaimed" and so on. When you're using a speech tag, you end your dialogue with a comma (not unless you're using a question mark or exclamation mark or ellipses)

    Ex) "I think so," he replied coolly.

    Why isn't it "I think so." He replied coolly you ask? Because "he replied coolly" can't stand alone as its own sentence. Thus you need to connect the dialogue and the speech tag with a connection in order for it to be a proper sentence, that connection being a comma. You also wouldn't capitalize the word after the dialogue since it's a comma, not a period.

    Then there are cases where you have dialogue but no speech tag.

    Ex) "I think so." He shrugged his shoulders.

    In this case, you can use a period and capitalize since the part after the dialogue can stand alone as its own sentence.

    Complex, right? Don't worry yourself over it if you have no idea what I just said. Just remember that sentences need some end stop, whether it's inside or outside of dialogue.

    It wasn't exactly an "original" start. A very cliche trainer story beginning which you're aware of obviously (again, I'm referring to that bold ... statement at the top). It wasn't necessarily bad, of course, but nothing stuck out to me either or interested me. You really do need to slow it down, particularly the beginning and the ending scene (would you really just leave your mom like that?), and spread out your description so it's not so clumped up. It's somewhat disheartening to see you spend more time explaining the unimportant details of a pokedex then the goodbye scene with the mom or the reaction of Tote to its trainer.

    But eh.
    Last edited by Breezy; 16th March 2009 at 10:13 AM.

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    Since Breezy stole everything I was going to say I'll just say this. Your idea is good, but you are dumping information. If you want to explain what the Pokédex does, everything about it, then tell the reader one certain aspect and then Lustre could use it for something and the Professor could tell him another aspect. Don't just tell us everything about it. That was a fatal mistake I used to make but not anymore!

    Reviews are certainly helpful aren't they?

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    Whoa.
    Lot's of reviews... of course, that probably means I made lots of mistakes >.<

    How come I always mess up on the same things? Okay... let me see If I got this all;

    Always end dialogue sentences, whether inside or outside the quotations.
    Don't dump a lot at info at once - Keep the flow going.
    Pay more attention to conversations with high emotional potential.
    Less of these things (-) and more of these things (,).
    Think more realistically of people's reactions (Your right, I don't think the Prof would just brush it off...)
    Maybe get rid of the starting bold thing?


    Okay... now, to answer questions:

    I find it kind of odd that your narrator is just now realizing that she was a trainer today since it seems like most trainers would be anticipating this day for weeks, if not months. Oh yeah, and apparently it's her birthday (according to the ... odd, bold prologue/summary thing you got going on before the story) so ... what's going on with that?
    Well, the original Idea was kinda that the bold text was Luster talking after Everything had happened... But I think that was probably a bad Idea >.<
    Oh, and she was just having a bad case of wake-up blues.


    I shall try very hard to remember everything you guys told me to improve!



    See Ya Later!
    "Open your mouth too wide, and your ears close."

    Do you wish you could do things like in the anime?
    Do you wish you could dodge behind a rock to avoid an attack?
    Do you wish that you could use the arena to stop your opponents cold?
    If you answered yes to any of those questions, the Pokemon Anime Style Battling League could be for you!

  7. #7
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    Always end dialogue sentences, whether inside or outside the quotations.
    Hoo, no. Punctuation always inside the quotations for dialogue. Inside. Not outside. Outside is bad.

    Maybe get rid of the starting bold thing?
    That's really up to you, but it's kind of confusing, and I'm not necessarily what you mean by "[the bold part] happened after everything happened" nor does it really answer my question about why she forgot her birthday. o.O That was the main reason why I brought up the bold part to begin with really.

    Idk, when I was ten, twelve, thirteen, so on (still today really :3), I was pretty excited when my birthday was coming, and it'd take a lot for me to forget about it. Like I said, it was more of a nitpick than a glaring problem though.

  8. #8
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    Great job, Kin! I want to know Lustre's name... :P

    She's so difficult... When I stole those bullies lunch money? Whose the bully here, her or them? Setting an angry Grovyle on the teacher was FUN!? Of all things, it was fun... This girl's nuts...

    To be continued...
    EEVEE RULES!!

    Oh, I LUV CHESSSHIPPING!!


    But I LUV FERRISWHEELSHIPPING TOO!!


    Oh, the decisions of a shipper.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
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    Why are you asking...?
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    Oh, okay. Got it.
    Well, I think she simply forgot her birthday because... well, I suppose it's because she gets bored quickly. She would find out her birthday is soon, get really excited, start waiting, get bored, punch out some random kid, and forget about it.

    OMG! Eevee248! Sis! You made an intelligent crit! Gotta agree with you...
    "Open your mouth too wide, and your ears close."

    Do you wish you could do things like in the anime?
    Do you wish you could dodge behind a rock to avoid an attack?
    Do you wish that you could use the arena to stop your opponents cold?
    If you answered yes to any of those questions, the Pokemon Anime Style Battling League could be for you!

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